St. Louis Cardinals (-155) at San Fransisco Giants Over/Under 7.5 runs
PARLAY Nash Keim's Cardinals and the Under 7.5 runs tonight as Chris Carpenter takes the mound against Barry Zito (1-5 4.02 ERA). In 23 innings over four starts, Carpenter has given up one unearned run. He's limiting opponents to a .127 batting average and has 23 strikeouts to four walks. Those stats are RIDICULOUS. Couple that with the fact that Zito has a 2.36 ERA at AT&T Park and slugger Albert Pujols is in a slump, you've got the makings of a low-scoring affair.
Chicago White Sox (-110) at Kansas City Royals
Although the Royals have been playing good baseball as of late, history shows that they struggle against White Sox ace Mark Buehrle (6-1 ERA 2.59). The White Sox are 27-12 when Buehrle takes the mound against the Royals, winning his last three starts against them as he's posted a 2.50 ERA. The left-hander held Kansas City to two runs and six hits over five innings April 11 before the White Sox rallied for a 4-2 victory. Play is on the White Sox money line tonight
Detroit Tigers (-134) at Baltimore Orioles
The play here is clearly on the Tigers with one of the hottest pitchers in the MLB takes the mound in Baltimore tonight. Justin Verlander (5-2 3.55 ERA) is 5-0 with a 0.85 ERA in his last six starts, striking out 60 in 42 1-3 innings. He's 3-0 with a 1.29 ERA in four starts versus the Orioles.
Cleveland Cavaliers at Orlando Magic (-2.5 points) Over/Under point total: 192.5 While the NBA and Nike want a LeBron/Kobe finals, the Orlando Magic clearly have other plans. After struggling against the 76ers and going to a 7-game series with the Celtics, the Magic have embarrassed the team with the league's best record: Cleveland Cavaliers. The Cavs are 0-4 at Amway Arena on the season and it seems that LeBron will have to do his best Jordan impersonation tonight to change that. This series should have already been swept had it not been for a defensive mistake by Magic Coach Ron Jeremy putting Hedo Turkalou to defend James on a last second 3-point shot. Bottom line for tonight's pick: the Cavs have shown no signs of slowing down Big Turk or Rashard Lewis, so why bet that they will tonight? Take Orlando at -2.5. Looking forward to seeing more of those Magic Girls in the Finals
Let's play a little game. Your ex-wife was a shitty cook, smoked in the house, let her froufrou dog shit on the carpet, and on top of that fucked a man of a miscellaneous but altogether different race apart from your own and got pregnant. Kid pops out, you have the marriage annulled. Now let's say you're the the most important man in your state. Lot of media hype, right? It'd be a pretty big deal if The Governator gave Maria Shriver the heave-ho (Ha!), right?
For my people, today has been the inverse of Ice Cube's "Good Day." Rather than a complementary pick me up, the lights of the Good Year Blimp today read: "Current Coach May Be Cheating Liar; Ex Coach to Make Ass of Himself and All Involved."
I'm not going to get into the Calipari disaster because 1) it's a moving target and the NCAA cleared him before UK hired him and 2) I'm too pissed to express my feelings in inteligible English. And to the folks who questioned my fanhood when we hired him, "I told you so, dickhead."
Now the Gillispie thing on the other hand, is just a complete shitshow and I don't really care. Condensed version:
Man hired by UK at a little more than $2MM/yr for X# of years.
Man never signed contract, operating for 2 years under a "Memorandum of Understanding" while his attorneys fought UK over minutia in the contract heretofore undisclosed to the public.
Athletic director publicly upset at lack of signed contract after year 1.
Worst team in 25 years in year 2. Public relations disaster on TV. Pisses off every important booster, media outlet, and administration member.
Fired.
Now he wants to take his ball and go home. And he wants alimony. And he wants to keep the house.
Too fucking late, you Texan piece of shit. UK's selling that bitch, and your buyout is coming via Western Union; just wait outside the Thornton's on Broadway, and they'll call you inside once it clears. You may even earn enough pocket change for a Dr. Pepper if you hold your hat out. It'd do your worthless ass well to sober up. Now go the fuck away and follow Hal Mumme into the sunset where you can coach at some rando' D1AA school out in Odessa where, like space, no one can hear you scream.
Except you have no fucking dignity. You're the knocked up tramp who drags your boyfriend on to Jerry Springer so you can put out a cigarette on the sofa cushion in the green room and "feel like a star." 'Why are they all yelling at me? They must be jealous; I look DAMN good in this spandex moo-moo truckstop hooker overall outfit. Fuck all yall, yall don't know me!'
Billy Clyde, we know you all too well, albeit well too late. You were too drunk or too high or too stupid to sign your contract, and now you're pissed that you aren't getting a buyout.
At issue? Whether they had the right to "break the contract" that bound your employment.
There was no contract.
Beyond #1, the only thing on trial is the just cause UK exercised when they fired you.
Read: It's going to be a months-long indictment of the trainwreck of your tenure, all in the public, all for everyone to see, chew, digest, and excrete into anecdotes about your complete inability to lead a team with an all-american and an all-conference player in your starting 5 to a tournament featuring 64 teams.
If Nolan Richardson is surprised that he hasn't been given a job offer since he went off on Frank Broyles, you can bet your ass that five years from now, Billy Clyde would fuck a cactus for a shot at high school gig in Idaho (because Idaho is our Siberia).
Hope you feel pretty on TV you damn drunk fool, because once it's over, you're over.
I'm not going to lie, I hate goalies. I hate goalies who are 6'6" and suck even more. In yesterday's Champions League Final, Edwin Van der Sar made a case for why no one on his team should ever hang out with him... ever.
Link:
Nice ups, you Dutch-nosed bastard. Van der Sar's effort here pretty much sums up the overall demeanor of Manchester United yesterday during their 2-0 loss to Barcelona. The Red Devils got off to a strong start, but were silenced in the 10th minute by a goal from Samuel Eto'o. While I would like to blame United defender Vidic for letting Eto'o slide by, I simply can't forgive Van der Sar's poor performance. He simply did not look like an athlete.
Even this guy has a better vertical:
Goalies are always the easiest person to place the blame on. They are the outcasts of every team. They were placed in the goal as a kid because they sucked at every other position. While the rest of the team plays with their feet, the goalie plays with his hands. He doesn't even wear the same uniform as the rest of the team for Christ's sake.
There are some exceptions to the rule. Take Rene Hiquita for example. Unlike our Dutch friend, Hiquita's got gusto. While Van der Sar was learning how to hold a cup with two hands, Hiquita was practicing making saves in ways you couldn't even imagine...
That's the coolest thing any goalie has ever done. That is all.
He kicked your dog yesterday. He spat in the face of the brunette from the Blackberry Storm commercials. He always bet against Mike Vick’s dog. He smokes Newports. He anally raped Marcin Gortat. He’s the one that calls the cops if your music is too loud after 9 pm. His favorite movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He’s Superman’s nemesis. The designated hitter was his idea. He killed Eddie Griffin. That smell? Joey Crawford. His favorite show is Around the Horn. He pisses on the seat. He produced Common’s Universal Mind Control. He shot Tupac. He cancelled Arrested Development. He shot Carl Landry. If it were up to Joey Crawford, the alley-oop would be outlawed. He curses the sun, and shoots songbirds with his bb gun. Anti-alcohol laws are called “blue laws” in the United States and pro-rape laws are called “Joey Crawford laws” in fundamentalist Islamic countries. Joey Crawford hates the Inside the NBA team.
Kobe: Hey Doc! Medic! Pau's sleeping with his eyes open again!
or...
Pau: Just once, I wish that you pass me the ball. Kobe: NEVEEERRRR!
Pau and Jordan Farmar have both recently complained about not getting the rock enough. The Lakeshow are 2-2 against the Sticky Nuggs going back to LA. Have fun with this one.
Now, rules are rules, and the NCAA/institutions do a pretty good job on explaining what you can and cannot take. Typically there are large lists, hell sometimes even pictures of stuff you can't take. Jeremy took it, and now he has to pay the price. But a whole season? Shit, In the NFL you can stick straight up andro in your ass and you'll only miss 6 games. Oh and only 4 games for HGH. MLB? 50 games first offense.
But here's what really gets me, In the NCAA you can smoke crack cocaine, get charged with assault, rape/beat a girl, steal shit, brandish firearms, sell drugs, and still miss maybe 3, 5 games max. But the second you take a weight loss pill, well you are ruining the amateur ideals of the NCAA. Gone for a season.
Hopefully everyone had a wonderful weekend, I know I did. Sorry about the storm yesterday we got a little mixed up but we'll try to make it up to you today.
The topic: Misunderstood athletes.
I'll give you a little example. Icehouse and I were talking about the whole Shockey incident over the weekend. Now personally I think Shockey is a huge asshole, but you can't deny the effort and ability he brings to the field. However, most of the media portrays him as a selfish, over-rated jackass.
So basically what we are looking for is an athlete who has a disconnect between their perceived perception and on field performance.
First example: Ron Artest. Artest will never live down the Rumble in the Palace, and rightfully so. (although nobody really knows how they would react in that situation) However, I always felt like Artest busted his ass on the court and was a vital asset to any team. I'd also like you to look at this video.
In my semi-professional opinion this is a classic case of ADHD. Yeah, we currently over-diagnose this condition, but damn.
Another good example is Mike Vick. I think we all know the public perception of Vick, but the guy has no concern for his body. He just wants to score and win.
The examples I just threw up were guys who were perceived as bad people, but good players. Icehouse pointed out that this could work in the exact opposite way. That is, players who are viewed as gods, but are complete assholes. See Favre, Brett.
Billionaire and BET Founder Robert L. Johnson is selling the Charlotte Bobcats, because vinegar-based barbecue sauce is horrible. Or because North Carolina's a dump. Or he's sick of Duke fans. Or something, I don't know.
Anyways, the Ghost of Roy Hobbs has acquired the erstwhile franchise, as well as the rights to 106 & Park. What are we planning on doing with this scrappy band of up-and-comers? Well, we've got a few ideas.
-Lattimer is given an airhorn rigged to sound like the scream of a bobcat.
-Free admission to all fans wearing cowboy boots, boxers, aviators, and nothing else.
-Emeka Okafor will be player/CFO.
-Pat Summitt is head coach. Reasoning: The one thing every NBA fan can agree on is the importance of solid fundamentals. She will be forced to wear corn rows and show a little chest, after she shaves it. She is also the one woman in the world that can withstand a Ruben Patterson attack.
-Ruben Patterson is assistant coach.
-Blackjack consoles fold out of the seats in front of you; all major credit cards accepted. First five beers free. That'll make a 30pt ass-a-stompin from lebron go down a little easier. If you're gaming you get a free shot every time Emeka gets dunked on. Why has no-one thought of this?
-Your ticket stub of a home win will be redeemable for one tattoo at any area tattoo parlor. The catch is that it must be the same as one of Gerald Wallace's.
-It will be first NBA team headquartered on an Indian reservation or military base. Any tailgating that involves automatic weapon fire is a good idea. The early favorite is Zack Stovall's birthplace, Camp LeJune.
-If DJ Augustine breaks ten assists in a game, everyone gets a free hampster
-Charlotte Bobcats will now be known as the "Naval Air Station Pensacola TurboDawgs.” 18 to enter, 21 to Party.
-Iron Chef-style cooking reality show where Sean May is the judge.
-"Thursday night is amateur night in Club Swamp Rocket, so ladies, work on those moves; First place gets a date with Vladimir Radmanovic.”
-Spitoons.
-Crepe-eating contest against Boris Diaw.
-Sweepstakes contest to re-name Alexis Ajinca to something that sounds less communist. [Ed’s note: I have no idea why this happens to Alexis and not VladRad]
-Five lucky fans take on Raja Bell in those sumo wrestling suits. At the same time.
-Halftime cage matches with the WWF stars of yesteryear.
-Go kart racing around the club level.
-Instead of a blimp dropping coupons for wings at Chili's we'll eliminate the middle man and just drop the wings.
-Jetpack beer vendors.
-After every win (home or away), a pack of bobcats is released onto the court. My plan ends there, which is exactly where the hilarity begins.
-Free nipple piercing on Tier 3.
-Pay $1 to have Nazr Mohammad guess your weight and age.
-Pay $1 to guess Juwan Howard's weight and age.
-Test your paintball accuracy by unloading 50 rounds at the bound and gagged Rhythm Cats.
-The Rally Cats will be fired. As acting CFO, Emeka Okafor will do the firing. Icehouse will be present with a Polaroid camera, so he can shout, “ha! this is how sad you looked! I can't believe this shitty gig is all you had in your life! Now, get your ugly ass off my property." Lattimer gets to fire Rally Cat Joe.
-"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.
-The Rufus Room is about to become a strip club. "Eddie House" will be added to Rufus' Pet Peeves. “Anything by Petey Pablo” will replace all of Rufus’ favorite songs. Rufus will have a giant, inflatable counterpart.
-DeSagana Diop will personally greet every fan that enters the stadium with, “Welcome to the Bobcats game. I love you."
Typically I try to keep the Cards posts to a minimum simply because the homerism would be unbearable, but this is just too cool not to talk about.
Background info: During Mark McGwire's steroid fueled long ball run, the brass in The Lou decided it would be cool to create "Big Mac's land." (Section in left field upper deck) A cool concept, essentially if anyone on the Cardinals hit a homerun into "Big Mac Land" everyone with a ticket stub for the game could get a free Big Mac from McDonalds, good for one week. It was meant to be a way to promote McGwire's thunderous shots into left, because he was the only one who could do it. (Fans also designated "Little Mac Land" in short left, for Joe McEwing, which was about as stupid and pointless as Mcewing was to the Cards)
Fast forward to the present day, the Cards still have "Big Mac Land" and you can still get a free Big Mac. That is, until Albert Pujols had something to say on the matter. I don't know what was running through his mind. Perhaps it was "Mang, dis promotion is contributing to de increased obesity in our country." Or maybe, "In my country people are starving, and dees people are getting free food every time I do something good, we should donate food every time we hit baseball into upper deck." Another idea is, "Who is dis Big Mac, that should say El Hombre Land." He may have viewed the sign as a threat. Then again he was probably just sitting on a changeup. I don't know what he was thinking (Only Yadi will know), and frankly I don't care because Albert can do whatever the hell he wants.
Either way, Albert didn't like that sign.
VIDEO (watch it, 30 seconds of awesome) Once again an awesome moment is ruined by Al Hrabosky. (People ask me why I can't stand The Mad Hungarian. 13 years old I was at an anti-drug leadership thing, it was awesome, we got out of school and learned not to do meth. Anyway Hrabosky was the keynote speaker. There were about 60 kids there so me and my buddy snuck in baseballs to get an autograph. We go up to Al and say, "Mr Hrabosky, can we get your autograph?" His reply, "No, sorry if I sign one for you guys I'll have to sign one for everyone." Gee thanks Al I'll really take to heart that talk about not sticking needles in my arm.....Jackass.)
Whatever I'm over it, and this is really about Albert and how awesome he is. Don't push it away, accept it, and love him.
AMARILLO, Tex. — Former Washington State Has-Been and San Diego Charger QB Ryan Leaf has defied every odd imaginable Thursday, by digging himself well below what many thought was rock bottom, stunning sports analysis experts and geologists alike.
"This is tremendously remarkable," said top geotechtonic researcher Kurt Van Stueden Wang. "There's a previous undiscovered level of solid ground beneath what we previously thought was simply core matter.
"The damnedest thing is I don't even think he was trying to make this discovery. I think he was actually trying to succeed."
Leaf, drafted second overall by the Chargers in the 1998 Draft, and has been considered by many to be one of the biggest NFL Draft busts of all-time, making his fall from grace really more of a slow roll from a slightly elevated mound.
"Ryan Who?" said Draft expert Mel Kiper Jr., from his raven-infested Transylvania hideout in between draft days.
Leaf himself was available for comment, but had nothing intelligible to say that wouldn't damage himself or his career further, and was therefore not recorded by the media.
“Hey, it could have been worse,” said Coach Ozzie Guillen. “It could have been 20, 21, 22 runs, 23, 24, 25 points, 26, 27, 28…”
The White Sox, who had eight whole hits in the game, tried to mount an offensive in the eighth inning, when the score was 20-0, and liked there odds.
“Man, we had ‘em right where we wanted ‘em,” said A.J. Perznejenskidowlakowski, the team catcher. “I really thought we were on the verge of a decent rally there in the eighth, but, alas! Just a little too late.”
“42 runs could have separated us from victory, but it wasn’t 42, it was 19,” continued Guillen. “And it sure as heck wasn’t 43 or 44 runs. 45? Get out. 46 runs? Now that might be something to be upset about, but I think 19 is just about where we want to be. 47, 48 runs, 49…”
P Bartolo Colon says that he’s encouraged by the Twins’ 20-hit game.
“I mean, we held them to double digits, man,” said Colon holding up two fingers, grinning. “That’s like two points!”
“I’d shoot myself if we ever got beat by 114 runs, and I don’t think it’s ever happened before,” said a red-faced Guillen. “115? I’d wake up from killing myself over 114 and wouldn’t be able to believe it. 116, 117 runs…”
“The main thing is that we tried or hardest, and that we’re all still close as a team,” said Bat Boy Timmy Welch.
In a completely unrelated event, Skipper Ozzie Guillen was arrested after beating Welch over the head with a bag of bat-weights, and was also cited for public intoxication.
MADISON, Wis. — The International Association of Discus Tossers has forgone levying a formal complaint with the IOC and gone straight to fist-fighting members of any associations or groups that participate in 'Ultimate Frisbee' or 'Frolf,' also known as 'Frisbee Golf.'
"I've had it up to here (lifts arm to swollen, muscular shoulder but no further) with these hippy, college punks tossing their little Frisbees hither and thither, all willy nilly," said Unger Rwowski, spokesman for the IADT as well a silver medal finalist in the '96 Atlanta games.
"It's bad enough that they don't spin around and around before they chuck," said Rwowski. "It's disgraceful and we're putting an end to it now."
Rwowski said he wouldn't comment further on the IADT's strategy while targeting the mostly college-age players of the Frisbee recreational sport, but a big bulletin board behind him spelled out the organization's plan in an all capital-letter, misspelled and three step plan:
FIND HIPPEEZ, DOOSHBAGS, POSERS ET AL
BEAT UP HIPPEEZ, MAKIN SHURE U SPIN FIST ROUND AND AROUND BEFOR PUNCHNG
TAKE HIPPEES GURLfriENS AND THROW STUFF
Local college campuses everywhere are taking added precautions to insuring the discus tossers are kept off of campus grasses at all times, while security is having a tough time watching the Frisbee games, as they are often spontaneous and prone to avoiding authority types.
BOSTON — Kevin Garnett, whose knee injury kept him from the latter part of the season and most of the playoffs, says that he's ready to defend Boston's crown in the NBA Championship.
"I feel like I'll be ready to go," said Garnett. "Not yet, but by this time next week? Definitely."
Garnett, who won defensive player of the year accolades last year, says that the Championship belongs to the Celtics, with second place going to the Lakers.
"It's a rivalry that runs deep. I'm pretty sure it's in our contract, too," Garnett said in an empty Boston locker room. "I don't know where everyone is..."
When informed that the Celtics had been beaten by the Orlando Magic and would not be advancing in the tournament, KG laughed.
"You're dumb," said the All-Star. "We're going to the Championship, and when we get there, I'm going to play. But really, you're a big dumb, retarded dummy."
Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and every other member of the Boston Celtics organization were unavailable for comment, as they were vacationing elsewhere.
For those of you who know me understand that from time to time crazy nonsensical ideas pop into my head. Typically when these ideas come up others add to them and we end up with some form of undeniable hilarity. I'll be posting these from time to time, and I'm sure the other authors will as well.
This is hilarious. The NCAA is worried about a recruits name being mentioned? Yeah, they need to protect the privacy of those recruits. Because you know, their aren't any websites or anything WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO ANALYZE EVERY MOVE THESE RECRUITS MAKE.
The NCAA is just pathetic.
So here's my idea.
Let's open up College Recruiting. Open Markets. The Wild West.
Yeeefuckinghaw.
I think the SEC is the best place to start.
We have the most competitive conference, filled with hyper-competitive coaches, and a borderline insane fan base. Now imagine this with zero recruiting violations.
Could you imagine Lane Kiffin taking recruits to Knoxville's finest strip club on their visit. We could have Alabama boosters telling prospective running backs "Look we typically pay $100 a yard, but for you we'll pay out $250 and throw in a gift card to Best Buy for every TD." Shit even the recruits could negotiate. "Look coach Miles, I'm yours if you throw in an 8 ball and a stripper after every home game." And it doesn't have to be ALL bad. For example:
Tebow: Hey coach , I really love Florida and you have a lot of tradition. If the University builds me my own ministry I'm yours for four years. Look, other coaches have offered the same, so you know build that ministry and I'm yours.
Coach Meyer: Consider it done.
Now this would all be privately funded, because in my mind it's messed up to use an Auburn fan's money to buy off an Alabama player. This all leads to the best part. Since it would be privately funded the Universities can take allllll that scholarship money and give it to students who actually want to learn. Which is not to say that the athletes would not want an education, hell that may be their demand. "I just want books and tuition coach." Shit, this idea may actually keep kids in school for four years. The great SMU RB Eric Dickerson was once asked what was the difference between the pro's and college. His reply: "The paycut."
Vanderbilt, this is right up your alley. Vanderbilt University 2015 National Champions
Ohhhh and I'm just getting started. Lets look at basketball. The entire state of Kentucky would unite under one common cause. The best players money can buy. Three words to show you how cool this could be. Calipari no rules. I could just see Booker Pogue throwing his children's college savings so UK could land that seven footer with a midrange shot. Hell it may even stimulate the economy. "Honey I'm opening up another tire store chain. We're lookin at this 12 year old, people are sayin he's the next Lebron, he's gonna cost us."
Then again it could bankrupt the entire Southern United States. In fact if I wanted to bankrupt the South, this would be one of my many plans.
"But Lattimer what about competitive balance, what about the schools that cant afford to compete."
Glad I asked myself this question. It's an open market, so everyone can't be bigtime. Schools would have to choose which "sector" they want to do business in.
(Mississippi State Athletic Boosters Banquet)
AD: "Well football didn't go to well, but we did throw all of our money into Jonny Utah who was supposed to be a sure thing. He didn't pan out, turns out the codeine/Jack Daniels cocktail he requested with his pre-game snack wasn't the smartest move on our part, but hey at live and learn. /Clears throat On a much happier note, we are kicking total ass in Women's Swimming and Diving. Turns out Once we showed those Chinese girls a dorm room and blue skies they were putty in our hands. Now smuggling them over cost some money, but overall we saved an estimated $150,000."
Now I would have one rule. Schools have to report everything they give to athletes. Money, narcotics, strippers, PB&J sandwiches with the crust removed, I want it all. In fact that would be my only recruiting violation. You fail to tell the public about that bathtub filled with chocolate chip cookie dough your star Lineman requested. Pay a fine to all the other schools in the conference.
And that's only for one conference.
I can only think of one drawback. If this thing actually spread the University of Oregon Fighting Highlighters would become relevant. Because of this guy. And that would be a real shame.
So go ahead add your additions, critiques, questions, concerns in the comment section. Oh and I encourage you to be as absurd as the idea I just posted.
At the risk of sounding like I've become part of the hype machine, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Kobe and Bron in the finals. I want the Nuggets to beat the Lakers, I really do, but think about what it would deprive us of. This would be the match-up of the century. Abysmal muppet commercials aside, Kobe-Bron would be destined for the same conversation as Wilt-Bill.
They are the two best players in the world. They are the best players on the two best teams in the league. It's been meant to be since before the season started.
Kobe and LeBron are at the top of the games, and yet, are polar opposites. One grew up rich playing hoops with his pro baller dad. One grew up poor and never knew his dad. One's substantially older. One forced a trade from the team that drafted him, while the other has embraced his hometown team and will [most likely] never leave. One's a jokester, one seems aloof and standoffish. One's image is untarnished, the other's is unfortunately synonymous with anal rape. They are their own doppelgangers, the yin to the other's yang.
But look how they've gotten to where they are presently, this season. One rains sixty in the World's Most Famous Arena, the next one shows up and drops a 52-point triple-double. They both flush 40-ft buzzer beaters like they could care less.
Currently, Kobe just put up 40 points over the West's second-best player's 39 to take the 1-0 lead over the Sticky Nuggs (please win, Nuggets. Please?). As I type, Bron is going up against the best Center in the league, and the East's third best player. His last four-possession stretch went like this: Bron blocks Rashard Lewis; Bron thunders home a dunk; Bron blocks Dwight Howard; Bron hits a three.
As far as teams go, I want the Nuggets and Cavs to win.
Michael Vick was released from Federal Prison at 5:00 AM this morning, marking the beginning of what could be one of the greatest comebacks in professional sports, or the continuation of one of the greatest collapses.
Everyone has an opinion on Vick, and why not. Once dogs come into the situation even people who know nothing about football voice their distaste over Vick. I may have a slightly different perspective, but I'm also somewhat biased. (and perhaps I'm even scared of beinghypocritical)
Regardless of how you feel, it's worthwhile to take a look at a piece on Vick by ESPN.com's Lester Munson. Munson paints a picture that dog fighting or not, Vick's life was going downhill fast. The two main vices in Vick's life were not drugs and dog fighting, but rather the individuals he surrounded himself with, "Whoop" and "Woody". "Whoop", a large operation drug dealer in Vick's childhood home of Newport News VA, and "Woody" a lawyer who doesn't help the stereotype.
These two were pitted against perhaps the most positive influences (other than his mom) in Vick's life. Michael Smith, a financial adviser who saw the big picture and Aaron Brooks, former NFL QB and a cousin of Vick. (Suck on that ESPN)
We'll never know whether this decision was based on Michael being ignorant, wanting to keep it real, or to please people. Michael always struck me as an introverted (shy?) person, and I truly doubt if he'll ever spill the beans on his life.
As far as football, nobody can doubt the impact Vick had on the game, and his ability to play quarterback at the highest level. Vick was the first example in the modern version of the game (post option offenses) of a quarterback who can do it all. Maybe I'm reaching but I'll always consider Vick to be the best athlete to ever play. You can argue this point and I'll disagree. Regardless, nobody can argue the impact he had on the game. After Vick's career at Tech we started seeing the likes of Pat White, VY, Reggie McNeal, Tim Tebow, etc. (Even though Vick played in a multiple I offense at Tech) These Qb's were in the mold of old singlewing tailbacks. Sure you could argue that these guys are not directly correlated to Vick, but I'll argue till I'm blue in the face that Vick changed the way the game was played.
Vick also had a significant impact on the NFL. Once Vick was paired up with zone running expert Alex Gibbs, the Falcons started to roll. The bootleg off of the wide/tight zone is the cousin of the NCAA zone read. I'll also add that Vick was running the West Coast offense for a good part of his career and he never really got the chance to settle in (Multiple coaches). Not that Vick is the best passing QB, but it took guys like Montana, McNabb, Hasslebeck, Young, and Favre several years to settle into the system.
Now back to the main issue. Should Vick be able to play in the NFL? Well first off, it's the right of the NFL to decide who can play, but lets get over the "Is Vick remorseful argument". I have no problem with the NFL deciding who can play in their league. However, I do find it funny that Vick finds himself in a situation similar to certain NFL stars here and here (Debatable)
At the end of the day I want Vick to get a second chance, but then again that's not my call.
Go ahead and flame in the comments.
*If you really want to piss me off put something like "I heard on ESPN" or "Colin Cowherd say"
Barack: I keep trying to go a little more to the right, but this jackass keeps going left!
or...
Joe: This is the best thing Eisenhower ever did. Barack: I think you're forgetting about the interstate highway system and leading the allied forces in World War II. Joe: I'm not.
or...
Joe: Hey Barack! Thousand Bucks you miss that putt! Barack: Gambling is illegal here at the White House, sir...
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — At the precipice of his senior and final year at the University of Florida, a wayward QB Tim Tebow is rethinking his decision to stay in and not hang out with the massive throng of inebriates, Jezebels and heathens at Florida, all of whom would gladly think he was the coolest guy ever.
"I mean, you only go to college once, right?..." said an obviously uncomfortable Tebow. "They can't ALL be THAT bad?"
Tebow claims that his devotion to the craft of circumcision prohibits him from delving into the ranks of the godless sodomites that routinely give him high fives and ask to hang out with him. However, as of late, Tebow has been expressing what many consider to be a change of heart on the matter, especially with regard to drunken frivolity with members of the opposite gender.
Rodney "Two Hole" Branski, a 6-year business or history junior at Gainesville, says that he's "totally stoked" Tebow may be starting to loosen up, and would gladly buy him a shot or nine.
"Dude, he's the best," said Branski. "WHO'S BETTER THAN TEBOW?! NOBODY!!" Branski then ended the interview by throwing up everywhere.
I realize everyone hates Paulus along with Duke, but I actually think this is kind of cool. At the very least Mentos in Coke cool.
Furthermore, it seems that Paulus paid attention at Duke because this is a pretty smart move on his part. He's from Syracuse. If he clears the waiver he'll start at QB, and nobody really expects him to do anything because...well...it's Syracuse. Plus he'll get a year to show scouts what he can do, and if he does fall flat on his face at least he'll get a masters degree. Education first, right NCAA?
For those of you that think this is a pipe dream, remember that Paulus was a high school All-American and Gatorade player of the year in high school.
But those are just awards, lets take a look at some film shall we?
Meh.
The eye in the sky don't lie, and it seems that Paulus has some moves. (he'll need it Cuse ranked 98th in sacks given last year) Passing looks shaky. He's a slinger.
So now the wedge is outlawed. Sweet. Great. Thanks. The one, ONE play in football games where I was guaranteed to see some hits is now pussified. Thanks for nothing.
What is the deal with this? The NFL now has more rules and gray areas than Sexual Harassment laws. It's absurd to think that at the highest level of a sport where men have been grinding and battling for a decade, we're going to all of a sudden remove all violence. In what universe does this make sense?
Fellow Americans (and assorted cool foreigners), we are witnessing the destruction of our greatest contribution to the human race. Tackling quarterbacks now more resembles playing Operation, what with the extra care you have to take to not collide with any of the forbidden zones (anything not covered by a vest). Virtually any hit resulting in a decleating or snotbubbles is outlawed. Catching passes over the middle is now the fancy of the weak and lazy, as opposed to be the least fun thing in the world.
Why don't you go ahead and kill Santa Claus too, Goodell?
And now. Now we're outlawing the wedge. First developed by the Romans as a tactic to punch a hole in the hearts of a defensive breach, a couple of millenia later, we're removing the last semblance of the rape and pillage history that made football great to begin with.
"Wedge" used to be a cool word, too. But now it's only going to be used in contexts referring to cheese, shoes, sex pillows and this guy.
As you might have heard, our favorite all natural pitcher, Roger Clemens went on Mike and Mike this morning. During the show, Roger denied all steroid allegations, going so far as to cite his step father's heart problems as a reason he did not use steroids or HGH. Because as everyone knows, once you marry into a family you automatically assume their DNA and medical history. It's fairly clear that Roger believes he did not take steroids, and I guess in Roger's mind as long as you believe something, it's not a lie.
Being the hardworking bloggers that we are, GRH decided to investigate this a little further and find out what else Roger believes to be true.
The following are some hard hitting facts straight from the Rocket himself.
Icehouse: The Morlocks have invaded.
Houston is a mighty fine place to live.
Vampires can survive outside with just 25 SPF sunblock, but everywhere that sells it closes before dusk.
Fog is just a hug from a cloud. Smog on the other hand is juiced fog, and WAY MORE RIGHTEOUS.
My son Koby has a bright future in the Astros organization.
Country singers always sing better after I plow them.
The only way to eat a breakfast burrito is to dunk it in strawberry wine prior to each bite.
Because the conscience is the only tangible proof of existence, the only thing that can truly be proven to exist is the self, so fuck off, all you figments of my imagination.
Franz Ferdinand ROX!!
Stovall:
Buttermilk > All other milks.
His endorsement deal from Axe body spray is just around the corner.
Agrees it's kind of ironic that he nicknamed A-Rod "bitch tits."
Shaving, common courtesy, and normal-sized testicles are overrated, while back-acne, uncontrollable rage and Paul Blart: Mall Cop are all remarkably underrated.
If Texas is going to secede, they ought to give him at least part of Houston, and therefore refer to him as 'The Baron.'
That people should just go ahead and call him 'The Baron,' with or without secession.
That Ron Pearlman isn't that weird looking.
Ironing shirts is about as cumbersome as trying to ball up the shirt and hurling it into the dryer, which he just can't help himself to do every time he throws something into the dryer.
Ron Artest is a perfectly balanced and well-adapted individual. Not to mention handsome.
Skoal + Copenhagen + sleep = Bliss, but quite a mess for the old lady in the morning.
Limiting Roger Clemens to the normal amount of entries is a fool's game.
Lattimer:
Clouds are made from giant cotton balls pasted on to a giant piece of blue construction paper, this creates our sky.
Wrestling is real.
The pink unicorn behind home plate tells him which pitches to throw.
Beer before liquor is always the way to go.
This whole Scientology thing makes a lot of sense.
Every night the moon god consumes our sun god and spits him out in the morning, this is how we get day and night.
Santa Clause is not real, The Easter Bunny? Totally different story.
Paris Hilton is a good Christian girl.
O.J is innocent.
MTV has gotten better over the years.
Cheating on your wife is ok, as long as it's with a teenage girl.
Entourage is a groundbreaking show.
Frosted tips look great!!!
Old Booker Pogue:
"The only way to settle this is for you to see my testicles, but then you press charges. What gives?"
"People make all kinds of assumptions when they hear I drink my own breastmilk. ... What? No, I was finished."
"Whoa whoa whoa... I never pinstriped my dog while I played for New York. It was a cat, and it was her idea."
"Laughter isn't just the best medicine, it's the ONLY medicine."
"An apple a day boosts anabolic metabolization of whey in lab mice at a rate of 325% over the control group. Rocknroll."
"Is it just me, or is Bobby Cox actually Emmylou Harris' twin brother? He's been looking good."
"The ironic thing is that nobody ever caught me corking my mitt."
"Reba? Yeah, just once or twice. But surprisingly agile and - dare i say? - fearless."
"Yes, I injected Rickey Henderson with absinthe, but it was just to trip out."
"Whitesnake sold out just when they were learning how to rock."
If eight-times-golden Michael Phelps had his way, he'd have all European media bombed and destroyed forever.
News from across the pond is saying the Phelpthsie, distraught after the tremendous backlash from a photo surfacing of him smoking the reefer, got some hookers (plural).
I'm reticent to go on a tear about this: He should've known better, He should be better, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. It's all just noise.
Frankly, I'm just tired of hearing about it. The nature of news these days is that if you hold the microscope on someone long enough, you'll catch something. Given the type who seems to be prone to kicking himself in the rear — which is true, despite if these stripper stories are true or not — that just makes it all the more painful to watch.
Again, I'm just tired of hearing about it. And I think we can all do in the comment section more than I would hope to do by expounding on it further.
Last week we talked about sports cliches, and I'd like to go ahead and piggyback off of that idea.
Usually we have to listen to experts talk about absolutes in sports. You could almost call them myths. "You always need an Ace pitcher" "teams that pass are soft" you get the idea.
My old favorite was "you need to set up the run to pass." Which is funny because this one guy BILL WALSH had the exact opposite philosophy.
However, this weekend I picked up my new favorite myth. I was talking to a guy about that whole dodge ball thing, And I thought that schools should hire strength and conditioning coaches instead of normal PE teachers. They could bring some legitimacy to physical education, but they could also overlook S&C for every sports team.
This is what I got in reply: "Well that would work for the football team, but strength work will screw up your jump shot and do terrible things to your throwing motion."
Let's go with Basketball first. I could go to the NSCA archives and cite studies, but I'm busy. So let's just go to the pros.
But surely the greatest of all time never lifted weights...
Oh.
As for baseball. There must be SOME reason all of these great players inject steroids in their ass. Maybe it has to do with strength and conditioning. I don't know, that's just me.
For the shit storm give us your favorite sports myths. You can argue for or against them, and maybe we can debate a few while we're at it.
Bout time. Man. Look at Delonte. That's what I looked like yesterday. Just sad.
But no more! No it's time to go and rock! Yes! Not only that, but I'm going to go rock with one of the biggest haters this side of the Mississippi.
So anyways. Let's get to the funbagging.
Not all black people are great at dancing. That is all.
If you get sent a link that involves the words "Flutebox" and "Beardyman," you click on it.
So Wolverine looks pretty good. I probably won't see it, since it seems like I don't see movies in theaters anymore, but this guy helped me out.
Holy ass. I like to look back at how wack we thought "the NBA: Where Amazing Happens" was going to be. Man was I wrong. Turns out these guys were on to something. Not only have the commercials been great, they keep getting better. Example 1:
And in case you missed it last night, this happened.
Sweet. It's gonna be a good weekend. I can feel it.
The first problem we have is the time difference. In the U.S.A the Superbowl is held at roughly 6:00 EST. This time slot allows American fans to have a day of clebration, drinking, appetizers, drinking, and drinking.
According to Icehouse's calculations, in order to keep this time slot the Superbowl would have to be held at midnight in London. Naturally this fucks with us, the English, and most importantly the players.
Next issue is the fans. If your a Pittsburgh/Arizona fan, It's not too bad to get a flight into Tampa, but getting a flight to London? Sure, fans will make the trip, but not all the fans.
The final issue is spreading Football throughout the world. Look we already have a regular season game in London, and I kinda like the idea. I almost feel that the one (maybe more) game (s) should move throughout Europe, maybe even Mexico city. Spreading football is great, and I love to see it. Shit, I may be one of the few that follows the IFAF World Cup. But allow me to get neo-con for a second. THIS IS OUR GAME. It's a significant part of American culture. Don't like football? That's fine, but I bet your ass watches the Superbowl. Shit Imagine if the UEFA Championship was held in New York City. I'd hate that, because I would feel that the European fans were getting screwed over for the sake of exposure.
I wonder if Kobe really knows who he's messing with. I highly doubt that anything like that ever happened at Kobe's private school in Italy.
And just because Rafer was mentioned in the video above, and because I've always wanted to bitchslap Eddie House, here it is again for you viewing pleasure.
SUNNYVILLE, Fla. — Alex Rodriguez, the beguiled and admittedly juiced Yankees 3B, had no comment to allegation that Manny Ramirez had indeed tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, which is undoubtedly the fault of A-Rod, who is currently rehabbing in Florida from an injury incurred while dog fighting.
A-Rod cowardly denied any involvement with the former Red Sox slugger, despite a number of allegations that he is in fact to blame.
"I have no f***ing idea what you're talking about," said a tear-soaked and obviously guilty Rodriguez.
The reporter, disgusted with the Yankee's obvious disdain and irreverence toward the game of baseball, turned away to vomit.
The hapless and down-right-happy-go-lucky Manny Ramirez said he believes A-Rod betrayed him and the game itself when he himself tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.
"Is just Manny being Manny," the slugger said through a bright and wide grin, causing all of the reporters to chuckle, guffaw, and get autographs.
Commissioner Bud Selig applauded the effort of the investigative team that followed the bread crumbs from Ramirez's positive testing back to A-Rod.
"I was honestly a little worried back there for a bit," said Selig. "I didn't think that we had enough evidence to connect the dots and pin the guy (A-Rod) down, that a-hole.
"I'm just glad justice is being served."
Manny was erroneously suspended for 50 games instead of A-Rod, yet tragically, as soon as he was cleared of the suspension, he pulled a hammy and will sit for the next 50 games anyway. Reports that Mark McGuire may be behind the injury are still pending.
People are always trying to convince me that Dirk is an elite player in the league, potentially the world's best.
It's not going to work.
I see him hit threes, I see him make free throws. I don't see him play defense or rebound often.
Furthermore, to be one of the best, you need to be able to create your own shot. This is what happens when that task falls to the German:
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why I do not consider him an elite player. He is nothing more than a cog in a machine, just an option, not a player.
Although I think George Carlin said it better when he called it the "pussification of America"
If you don't already know, Real Sports on HBO is one of the best sports shows in America. They are not afraid of the tough topics, and they ask the hard questions. The best part is the analytical, neutral presentation of stories. but enough about them, on to the videos.
Real Sports reporter Bernard Goldberg recently updated a story he did several years ago about the movement in schools to ban dodge ball. That's right, DODGE BALL. You will also see that individuals not only want to ban dodge ball, but all competitive sports from physical education classes on the grounds that it hurts and humiliates young children. However, you will see that this issue is much more bigger than dodge ball.
Let's just take this down Fire Joe Morgan style. After that I'll offer some of my opinions.
1:15 Neil Williams: Great, so we bring in the academics to fix the educational system (pet peeve). For the record, we called the game bombardment. But Neil, lets get real for a second. We are talking about the same kids who go home and play video games where they can take a chainsaw to pedestrians and blow off the heads of aliens. Do you really think bombardment is going to ruin their fragile little minds.
1:50 Paul Zantarsky: Awesome, we receive the infinite wisdom of a P.E teacher. On a certain level I agree with him. I wouldn't FIRE teachers who include dodge ball, but I do think that physical education should progress beyond the "roll out the ball approach." He also claims that it "creates bullies because you go after the smaller, weaker players." 1. Well I don't know if ole Paul has ever been a good dodge ball player, but everyone knows you wait for the other team to waste their balls, gather them up, and use teamwork to attack the better players, THEN you go after everyone else. 2. If you think about it, how is dodgeball any different than any other sport? Shit in football we look for the weak link in a defense to attack. Basketball? Shoot if I'm manned up against Icehouse, and all other players are equal, guess who gets the ball? (Hint: Icehouse) So Paul, by your logic we should eliminate all competitive sports from the lives of children? (more on this later)
2:45 Matt Labash: Ahhh yes, enter the meathead who is opposed to eliminating dodge ball. Although I think this issue shouldn't be politicized, it doesn't help that he writes for The Weekly Standard. And there it is: "The wussification of America" Smart move playing to your base.
Aggression begets more aggression? Big word for a P.E teacher, but no, you're right, we should just suppress any type of aggressive feeling and let it build up inside of us. Aggression isn't natural or anything, we weren't wired that way through years of evolution. so yeah, suppress that shit.
Part 2
05: always check your 9 and 3 after throwing a ball. ALWAYS.
15: New PE, sounds cool....wait they want to move away from competitive games? Seriously?
26: Square dancing and balloon tossing. Yep they are pretty damn serious.
45: Such a badass.
55: Overlooking the fact that musical chairs is largely based on luck, perhaps those children should pay attention. Just a thought.
1:21 Hey Mr. Badass, humiliation isn't a good thing. Furthermore its dependent upon how children perceive their actions. Meaning if I'm a D-bag teacher I could theoretically make everyone feel like shit, but what would that accomplish? I agree with the idea that competition is a good idea, but humiliation is simply the wrong word. In regards to the lessons we are trying to teach. Humiliation, no. Failure, maybe. Working hard but not being the best, yes.
1:57: Ok now we're just getting silly. The point of skipping rope is to develop hand eye coordination along with agility. Now I jump this "rope" fairly often. And you know what? Sometimes I screw up. When I do screw up I know what I did wrong. Furthermore, the "rope" forces me to make sure my jumps are high enough and coordinated. You know...as oppose to just jumping up and down like a jackass. This has to be the dumbest idea I've ever hear of.....
Wait, that was only the second worse idea.
3:28-end: /Vomit
Hopefully you'll realize this is not a left or right issue. I'll agree with Labash on a couple of points. First, this is much more than dodgeball, or sports for that matter. Look at the Spelling Bee. Those kids study their ass off. Most of them "fail" at their goal of winning. Are they upset? Hell yeah they are. But guess what? Those kids are going to be fine and grow from this experience. Which brings me to Labash. Using the word humiliation is probably the wrong thing. The best thing about sports, or life in general is that sometimes we fail, but we all learn from those experiences. And I totally agree that this whole dodgeball thing is screwing kids up for the rest of their life. I mean what happens when they are faced with adversity. Something like...oh I don't know AN ECONOMIC CRISIS.
The new PE thing is fine on the surface. Like I said I think schools should move beyond the whole roll out the ball approach to PE, but shit, no competition? The other thing I'll mention is that if you notice two of the schools have rock climbing walls. I'm sure that type of shit is on the top of the list for most school districts who are facing multi-million dollar deficits.
Finally, Principal Hollingsworth. Barf.
Shit I don't know how we all made it through grade school with bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, bloody noses, fights, dead legs, quarters, bloody knuckles, tackle football, smear the queer, buts up, high fives, girls, pats on the back, ass slaps, piggy back rides, video games, biology class, high powered vehicles, alcohol, fireworks, homemade bombs, school, sports.
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