Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sports Commercials

New spot for Dr. Pepper. Perhaps not technically a sports commercial, but Dr. J is in it, so I think it qualifies. The last line is priceless, but I won't spoil it.

The internet has been very good to us.

All of us.

From tapes of Shaq asking people to tell him how his ass tastes, to animated cartoons about nuclear war, to unicorns stealing another unicorn's kidney, the internet has given us lots of things.

It's brought different cultures together in a way that no other worldly concept ever has. It has revolutionized communications, business, life, and love.

And now it has given us this.

I'm not going to preface this any more, I think that I have piqued curiosities enough.

Thank you, internet. I love you.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

SEC Preview: Haters Unite

The stars have aligned for every other conference in college football; the SEC will be noticeably weaker this season.

The SEC, especially in the western division, won't be able to hold up against the top-tier teams of rival conferences like the Big 12 and Big Ten. It's very likely that they won't be able to withstand mid-major schools, like Tulsa and Boise State. Appalachian State has a season-opener against defending champs LSU, and not that I think there will be such a monumental upset like the one witnessed in the Big House, but it would be a dark omen that would hang over the collective trailer parks of SEC-nation.

The main cause for this has been, of course, recent departures of high-caliber talent that the SEC breeds to the NFL, where they flourish with astonishing numbers. The Champs lost virtually everyone who was worth anything. I think their towel girl even spent all of her eligibility. Now their rolling with a Harvard kid at QB who seems like a genius to the Bayou faithful, like the Computer Wearing Football Cleats or some other kind of Disney-movie-premise. Arkansas running back Darren "We Got That Wood Right Hure" McFadden took his illegitimate-baby-making-show to Oakland, which takes away 87% of the total street cred the SEC had as of last year. Hogs' running back Felix "I Look Like Ashy Larry" Jones was drafted by the Cowboys, where I think he'll perform quite well out of McFadden's shadow. Other notable exits were made by virtually every team in the SEC, with two exceptions, national title contenders Florida and Georgia.

As aforementioned, it pains me to say that my beloved SEC West will be paltry at best, by SEC standards. Still better than most, I'd wager, but paltry. A division champ in the west could very well have a record of 5-3. Ouch. The problems with each are numerous and can be listed on and on (In order):

LSU is still LSU, despite having approximately four snaps of collective playing experience from both sides of the ball on the entire team. They're the best in the West, but this year that's sort of like saying they're the valedictorian of summer school. They're still going to be big, fast, and nearly legally retarded, but not nearly as potent as the year before. New recruits should be getting ample playing time, which is bad news for the rest of the country next year and the following. On another note, Les Miles is an alcoholic (note the final play of the LSU-Auburn game in 2007), but it is yet to be determined whether or not this helps or hurts the Bayou Bengals.

Second place belongs to two teams, but they're used to sharing space. Auburn and Alabama can be two or three, depending on how the season unfolds, but either deserves a pre-season second place nod in the division. On paper, Auburn is strong, returning most of their starters. They have been a strong presence in the country in the Tuberville Era, and made noteworthy marks last year against teams like Florida, who had national title-repeat hopes at that point. They also got beat by Central Florida, so they're kind of up in the air as far as tangible results go. They lost quarterback Brandon Cox due to eligibility, but they also lost him around the beginning of the season last year due to sucking-something-awful. I know I sound stupid saying this, but QB Kodi Burns reminds me a lot of an early Vince Young; remarkably unpolished but a remarkably potential talent. However, right now he's just more talk than walk. And what of Sabanation? Alabama totes what no other team in the west can boast: a senior quarterback. Say what you will, but Nick Saban gets paid a lot of money, and it's really likely that Bama can sneak in a game or two that they shouldn't. Not a lot of depth on either squad, though, but they'll be decent spoilers for the top SEC contenders.

Former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt traded in his faded Dickey's overalls in Fayetteville for a set of starched slacks in Oxford. Having witnessed a Nutt Revolution first hand, Ole Miss can possibly be a contender in the west, since the division is so weak to begin with. Timing is everything, folks. What Houston lacks as a coach he can make up for as a motivator. The Rebs could use some motivation since the Orgeron-Tasmanian Devil Era was stopped in it's drool-covered tracks. Nutt will take them to a .500 team, more than likely. They'll win a division here and there, if he stays long enough, but never an SEC title, and never a BCS game. It's what he's good for, and everyone knows it. He'll have help from former Texas QB Jevan Sneed, a transfer with what has been described as a "sexcannon" arm, while still being a running-oriented QB that Nutt prefers. There's already excitement in the Grove, but it will quickly be doused with Mint Juleps and chandeliers, regardless of how the Rebels fare, good or bad.

Bottom of the barrel now, and like the two fat kids at the back of gym class, it's a tie. I will never ever say that Mississippi State will be a good team. But, I have to admit they were relatively decent last year. Quarterback Wesley Carroll turned some heads as a freshman, and coach Sylvester Croom has a deep voice, but that's about it as far as the Bulldog's achievements go. Don't get too worked up though, Starkville; MSU being somewhere between the ranges of "laughable" and "tear-jerkingly-terrible" often turns heads. And Arkansas? I have Arkansas winning four (4) games this year. They won't beat non-conference opponent Texas, and they could possibly lose to Conference USA flunky Tulsa for former offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn's homecoming. Losing McFadden, Jones, Peyton Hillis, Marcus Monk, half the O-and D-line, replacing an entire secondary, and keeping a quarterback named Casey Dick will devastate the Hogs. Coach Bobby "Snake" Petrino will have a decent grace period though, and should do better in the future with Michigan transfer and Rich-Rodriguez-hater Ryan "Dreamboat" Mallett passing the ball and bringing real Petrino football to the Natural State. And unless Petrino football is looking like an awkward bunch of inbred retards trying to hump a vending machine, it won't be Petrino football this year.

However, I say this with a caveat; these are Jello-sturdy rankings and are subject to flip, flop and everything in the middle come kick off. Alabama could really roll, and I promise you Ole Miss and Sneed are going to be spoiler threats. Now in the East, the rankings are a little more structured from top to bottom, but teams still have room to swap places.

At the top, I have a tie for Florida and Georgia. Neither team lost anybody significant to the draft. Each team will showcase stud running backs, namely USC-transfer Emmanuel Moody and Knowshon "My Name Is Complicated" Moreno, of the Gators and Bulldogs respectively. Each team has a reliable veteran at quarterback, Drew "Fatty Arbuckle" Stafford in Athens and Heisman trophy winner Tim "Corinthians 3:21" Tebow in Gainesville. Moreno could replace McFadden as the SEC's elite back with another standout season, and Tebow will still be pretty good, although with Moody in the backfield, he won't have to will his team into a winning position all of the time (no way he wins the Heisman again, by the by, he won't have over twenty rushing touchdowns ever again in his life). In all seriousness, these two teams could be undefeated by the time they roll into Jacksonville for the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (which is kind of a fanny bandit name) on November 1st, and since Coach Mark Richt's less-than-thug challenge to his team to run out on the field and do a bunny hop after the first touchdown last year, the rivalry is bigger than ever.

Tennessee and Coach Phil "The Blumpkin Pumpkin" Fulmer will play SEC spoiler of the year; just good enough to compete, never good enough to contend. They've had to make a lot of replacements from top to bottom, their entire receiving corps from two years ago and QB Eric Ainge from this year, but current starting QB Jonathon Crompton got plenty of reps last year when Ainge rolled his ankle while dancing for tips, so should be good to go making the Vols potent, but rarely lethal. Coach Steve "Satan" Spurrier won't be able to summon the demons to take a share of the SEC east, like the threatened to do last year. Good ole fashioned South Carolina mediocrity will prevail as it always does, and Satan will go back to his hell-cave near Hilton Head's lovely golfing resorts.

Are Kentucky and Vanderbilt playing this year? I didn't think so. Who cares anyways? Andre "Small Mustache" Woodson was the flavor of the month at the onset of the 2007 season because he threw a really pretty and lofty pass that resembled a basketball shot over a football pass. It would sail high in the air, at a tremendously slow rate, and it would land on top of the receivers. It was quickly handled by defensive backs after he was figured out, and his career landed in the obscure pits of despair along with nearly every other Kentucky quarterback, including Tim Couch but not including Super Bowl Champ, the Hefty-Lefty himself, Jared Lorenzen. Vanderbilt's claim to fame, Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, just got diabetes in the off-season, supposedly after making a charitable visit to his alma mater. At least they're always dependably resting at the bottom, unlike Kentucky last year.

So what does this Mass of Mediocrity mean for the rest of the college football universe? I believe that this will be a banner year for other conferences to bookmark in their respective annals of history. The advocates of the Pac-10, Big East and ACC will look at this year and say, "Hey, they're not so good! But hey, we're pretty good! Hooray!" In fact, the SEC on a bad day is still better than those three conferences on a good day, with minor exceptions USC in the Pac-10 and WVU in the Big Easy East and sometimes Virginia Tech. The Big 12 and Ten will also claim the same thing; Kirk Herbstreit will still earn his Buckeye booster money and Mark May will stick his pencil-thin goatee and nose in the air and they will cry that this is the year that proves, once and for all, that the SEC isn't the best in the country year in and year out. Sorry guys, but that's not the case. The SEC routinely wins more bowl games than any other conference, routinely sends more players to NFL than any other conference, and routinely upsets other dominate teams from other conferences. In a given year, certainly, other conference leaders will be better than the SEC leader, whoever that may be in a given year. But from top to bottom? My money is on the SEC. This will be a weird and wacky year for the SEC, but it will have its share of highlights.

The SEC will be boring by SEC standards, but still great football. Game of the Year right now? Florida and Georgia on November 1st could possibly be both in the top five if not #1 and #2. My only request for the season is that someone, please anyone other than Ohio State go to the National Championship. Hopefully, this lull will only mean that the next few years will be great in the SEC.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Junkie-Turned-Slugger Hamilton Picks Up Coveted HGTV Endorsement Deal

Josh Hamilton, the Texas Ranger whose comeback story is more compelling than Rudy and Spaceballs combined, is continuing to turn over new leaves, even leaves that are customarily untouched. Hamilton has picked up one of baseball's newest yet most coveted endorsement deals, the Home and Garden Channel.

The Home and Garden Channel, or HGTV as it's known in the Bingo parlors, is the latest move by Hamilton to clean up his image. The visage of a tattooed and hardened heroin junkie has been lifted and replaced by a the image of a tattooed Sunday-loving-schoolboy. He's kind of like that guy in your local Sunday school who is covered in ink, but is socially acceptable in those circles because they're all about Jesus and His friends. Just like Darren McFadden.

The HGTV endorsement is a tremendous fiscal boost for Hamilton. The Texas slugger lost nearly all of his previous endorsements, such as High Times Magazine, Hairy Harry's Meth Lab (based out of Saline County, Arkansas), Columbia (the country, not the outdoors-wear) and Chef Boyardee. When Jiminy Cricket was welcomed into the picture, those fair-weather sponsors fled, leaving Hamilton with only his mere millions to get by.

However, this landmark endorsement had been put on hold after an investigation following Hamilton's standout silver medal performance in the Home Run Derby this year in New York City. It was rumored that Hamilton had returned to drug life after he was overheard saying in between homers, "Man, this feels so great! I haven't felt this good since the last time I did a lot of meth and heroine at the same time." He was then seen trying to scratch his tattoos off and eat a small child, leading many to believe that he was back on the smack, when in fact he was just really emotional about the crowd chanting his name.

Following a routine drug testing stool sample conducted personally by Commissioner Bud Selig, it was revealed that Hamilton was full of fiber, loosening his stance and subsequently leading to a more smearing blow to the baseball, which is one of the keys to his major-league swing. Plenty of fruits and vegetables were the source, and hence, HGTV came running with a whopping $411.00 contract for the next four years. Hamilton, so incredible enthused by the endorsement, apparently covered all of his tattoos with new tattoos, including helpful tips to increase one's apartment's storage space, and also each appendage featuring one of the four food groups, with this chest revealing the food pyramid. The Guns -N- Roses tattoo on his back remains, partly because both guns and roses can be found in both homes and gardens and also because he really freaking loves Guns -N- Roses.

HGTV deals and not-doing-heroin aren't the only family friendly activities with which Hamilton has been engaging. Some of Hamilton's other ventures include cutting a soft R&B album. While he is already well versed at hosting several compilation album infomercials, Hamilton is planning on collaborating with some of America's softest favorites, including Michael Bolton, Boyz II Men, Lance Bass, an old recording of a Luther Van Dross demo, Sara Bareilles, and Slipknot. His first single "Let Me Stick My (Love) Needle Into Your V(ein)" should be out in time for the Christmas season.

"Charity" is Josh Hamilton's former-favorite-drug-dealer's-alias, and is something very close to his heart. Hamilton is now clear to participate in all MLB sanctioned charities, including the United Way, the Jimmy V Foundation, and so on and so forth. Wouldn't you know it, just like hitting 28 meaningless home runs in the first round of the Home Run Derby, Hamilton went above and beyond, founding his own charity, The Peter Gammons Foundation for Peter Gammons. Major Leaguers and fans alike can now come together to take care of the octogenarian Gammons and aid him with his everyday chores, such as eating pudding, turning on the closed caption on every set in his house, and changing his Depends. Hamilton will hold a press conference immediately prior to the first post-season game (which neither he nor his team will be playing in) and feed Gammons the first ceremonial and neglectful spoonful. Gammons likes tapioca but loves Murder She Wrote.

What does the future hold for Hamilton? He says he'd love to do some more charity work, like helping John Kruck find his feet and helping Sammy Sosa learn English. But really what he'd like to do is get back in touch with his family. "I don't really remember a lot about my kids, or my wife, I just remember sometimes they got caught in the crossfire of my fist and their faces. But I'm not here to point fingers, but I think that all of the drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, Big Mac binges, and anti-freeze huffing may have gotten the best of Josh Hamilton." He also stated that he plans to keep on referring to himself in the third person, the only true way to show once repentance while also showing due arrogance.

We here at GRH salute you, Mr. Hamilton.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The lesser of two evils...CFB 10 preview

So for number 8 I decided to make an executive decision. The top ten list I'm going off of is from Athlon Sports. For those of you who don't know, Athlon is quite possibly the worst pre-season magazine publication ever created. When I started this list I couldn't find my Phil Steele magazine. (My dad stole it) and in a state of Yuengling induced trauma I decided to go off of Athlon's list. For this I apologize. Anyway for number 8 Athlon has Auburn. I don't want to cover Auburn for 3 reasons. 1. I hate Auburn. 2. I refuse to do 4 SEC teams in a top ten. 3. Auburn at 8 is a dumb fucking pick.

As a result, I decided to use this number 8 slot as a dark-horse slot for teams I felt needed some recognition. Only one problem. My two dark-horse teams are from Texas. In the end I chose the lesser of two evils and decided to talk about Texas football.

First up Texas Tech...

The first think you have to note about TT is the fact that they have this guy. For further research on Mike Leach look here. here. here. And of course here. Without a doubt the strength of Tech lies within Leach. Any guy who can call a mesh route 25 times a game, and uses a call sheet the size of a napkin is alright with me. You could argue about Graham Harrell's effectiveness, and whether Michael Crabtree will have a sophomore slump, but you're missing the point. TT's offense has been, and will be solid. The real question is whether or not TT's defense can become adequate enough to become major players in the Big 12. The thing is, the defense doesn't have to be lights out, in theory, they just have to stop the opposing teams offense enough to allow TT to run wild. You can debate whether or not Leach's Airraid offense actually hurts a defense, but the fact still remains that the defense, rather than the offense, is the key for Tech this year.

Looking at the schedule, Tech really only has one key stretch in the year. From Oct. 25th to Nov. 22nd they play at Kansas, Texas (H), OK state (H) and at Oklahoma. If they come out of this stretch with at least one loss, they can hope for Big 12 stars to align and a possible Big 12 championship appearance.

Which brings me to my next team... Texas.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel the longhorns are a legitimate Big 12 championship contender and a dark, dark, dark, dark horse NC contender.
The first key is the offense, specifically the maturation of QB Colt McCoy. This is the year McCoy shows whether he will continue last year's plateau in terms of development, or whether he turns into the QB everyone in Texas thought he could become. With the masterful recruiter, Mack Brown, you know the cupboard isn't bare and Texas will have the talent to compete. With two seniors returning at WR and the hopeful impact of RB's Vondrell McGee and Fozzy Whittaker, The weight rests solely on McCoy's shoulders to perform.

The schedule for Texas, however, is not so encouraging. Texas must travel to Colorado, followed with the Red River shootout. The Longhorns must then face the Missouri Tigers in which could turn out to be the most important game in Mizzou's history. (More on this in the Mizzou preview) Follow that up with OK state the following week , a trip to Lubbock, and ending the season with a game at Kansas and the ever dangerous A&M game in Austin.

With that schedule is Texas going to go undefeated? No. will they Fuck somebody's NC world up? Maybe. However, the only hope for Texas to make any type of Big 12 run rests on the shoulders of this guy.

Boom indeed.
As I said before, with Mack attack at the helm, you know the defensive talent will be there. While Texas returns 5 starters on defense, Muschamp will make the difference. The Big 12 is arguably the best offensive conference in FBS football, and the team that wins the Big 12 will have to possess a defense that, at the least, contains the potent offensive schemes and players in the conference. I believe Muschamp can be that guy. He knows how to deal with the wide open, spread, no huddle offenses seen in the Big 12. Which is, let those war daddy's work, send a shitload of firezones, and fuck up the pretty boy Qb's. You see, although Muschamp is a great defensive mind, like most great DC's he realizes the key to great defensive football. He demands all 11 players to play with a borderline psychotic craze. Pursue to the football and kill.

I'm not going to make a bold prediction on either TT or Texas, again these teams were outside of the list I'm going off of, but I felt like they needed some consideration. I also realize TT is the "hot" pick this year. It's funny though, while most people focus on the offenses, in my mind the fate of both these teams rests on the defenses,(Everything is about defense) and maybe once I start talking about Oklahoma and Mizzou these two will become an afterthought. However, I think the Big 12 is easily the second best conference top to bottom. After this year they may overtake the SEC as big boy on the BCS block. Regardless, TT and Texas require some consideration and are much more deserving than Auburn at number 8.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

So youtube has its foot in its dick, and is not posting the videos that I want posted. This means we have quite an unceremonious beginning to a new weekly segment, and that I'll have to do all of this the old-fashioned way. Yes, I referred to embedding links on a blog as old-fashioned.

Anyways, for all of you out there in the blogosphere, I've decided to begin everybody's weekend with a grab bag full of links to sweetness. You may all thank me by submitting ideas in the comments section. Your ideas will be ignored, because there's only one person's taste I trust.

So, to start off, here is the aforementioned Shakira video. It's pretty fabuloso, and I mentioned it once last year in the Taco Odyssey.

Moving on from straight hotness, we also have a comic strip featuring three of the gayest quarterbacks ever. Magnificent, it is.

Tonight, team USA plays team Canada in basketball, which should be must-viewing for everybody. While I was unable to find a clip or even picture of the colossal tea-bagging that LeBron put on Samuel Dalembert last time these two teams played, I can at least leave you with the only team USA facefucking that needs to be remembered. Speaking of Canada, some of you are probably wondering what the hell that picture is at the top of this post. That's a National Lampoon movie called "Going the Distance." It's about some Canadian teens who take a road trip. It's a pretty good way to waste two hours, and contains every single thing I know about Canada. Which is nature, ugly girls, and Avril Lavine. Quality viewing if you're still engrossed by the just-graduated-highschool-guys-take-adventure-involving-sex genre of movies. Way to be original, Canada.

Get hyped for team USA by watching us tonight on ESPN. I promise it'll be better than last night's MLS All-Star game. Enjoy the weekend by going outside.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The WNBA just made my head explode.

I was going to try to write something funny or clever or quip on the absurdity of this, but I can't. You're just going to have to watch it.

Seriously, this is all kinds of wacky.

What is it about Detroit that makes people want to fight?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Chris Andersen and Darius Miles are on the Warpath to freak America out.

That is to say, they are both attempting comebacks to the NBA.

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen got off of his two-year drug suspension mid-season, and his contract was snapped up by his old team, the New Orleans Hornets. Of course, they were in a pretty good groove, and never ended up using him.

The Birdman was ok was a super-athletic big guy, and of course was a white dunk contest participant, so you have to give at least some props. Unfortunately, his performance was highlighted by a moment reminiscent of the end of Tin Cup, or possibly Blue Crush. Unfortunately for Birdman, in real life, people don't like to see you try and fail a hundred times, and then cheer when you succeed. Turns out we hate that sappy bullshit. All it does is look stupid and painful.

Then he was suspended for two years after a one-time positive drug test. Think about that one real hard.

Then there's Darius "Neighbors call the fire station off the blunts I smoke" Miles. A prep stud, and member of Lattimer's fantasy St. Louis Supersonics, Miles came out of high school, with all of the promise in the world, super athleticism, an NBA body, a decent shot, and mad flavor. He played a few good years on the Clippers back when they were the most fun team in the league (consisting of Miles, Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggete, the Kandiman, et al). Then started to get bounced around until he microfractured his knee, and himself into obscurity.

Another problem with Miles getting picked up is that he has to sit out for his first ten games for, you guessed it, a drug suspension.

He was still awesome in "National Lampoon's Van Wilder." His best line was, "yo, Van, did you invite those freak honeys from Mount Holyoke?"

Sunday, July 20, 2008

CFB top 10 preview

...Next up #9 LSU
(Yes I know the video is from 2006. Yes it is that badass)

Gut Reaction-obligatory top ten for the defending champs.

Offense-The Tigers only replace one offensive lineman. However other than Brandon Lafell (WR) The tigers will have some new faces on offense. RB Keiland Williams and human cannon Trindon Holliday should provide some offensive firepower. Neither slated starter at QB has taken meaningful snaps at the 1-a level.

Defense-The nightmare enducing defense of a year ago will have to replace seven starters, as well as, DC Bo Pelini. With that being said, man eater Tyson Jackson DE, Kirston Pittman DE, and Darry Beckwith MLB should help the reloading process.

Special Teams-I bet Colt David and Brady Dalfrey are really good at making tape balls.

Schedule-OMG OMG APP STATE AUG. 30!!!!!!!! other than that the tigers travel to Auburn Sep. 20, then to Florida Oct. 11 and the Bulldogs come to town Oct. 25

Ramblings-This rambling is somewhat biased. You see. LSU is the only SEC team I like. In my older years I choose which teams I like or dislike not by arbitrary issues such as style of play, geographic location, or head coaches. No, I choose teams I like by their fan base, and LSU fans are by far the most tolerable in the SEC. But enough of that I think everyone knows LSU is in the reloading process, and righfully so. They won their NC and now its time to play the role of spoiler in the SEC.

First lets talk about this reloading. Since Ryan Perriloux didn't know when to hold em or when to fold em, he is now playing ball for Jacksonville State. Way to go Ryan. This situation leaves LSU with two QB choices. Freshman Jarret Lee and JR. (Harvard Transfer) Andrew Hatch. If you want to win a SEC championship the two things you simply cannot have at QB is a Freshman and a nerd. Even with an experienced O-line returning nobody, with a straight face, can say LSU will win the SEC. now challenging for the SEC West is another story.

You have to admit Les Miles has a pretty good track record, and even with all the holes to fill, the current trend in LSU football leaves me to believe that the new faces are probably pretty f-ing good. Whats more, is alot of these guys saw some significant playing time during the NC run last year. (Demetrius Byrd WR, and Ricky Jean-Francois DT) Combine this with the fact that Auburn and Alabama really don't impress me, and i feel that LSU, once again, has a decent shot to make the SEC championship game, and then all bets are off.

Now the best part. With this reloading process, it looks like LSU will be underdogs in three big games, (Auburn, Florida, and Georgia) all of which will have NC implications. And you just know with the way the SEC works, LSU is going to win at least one of these games. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Georgia game in Baton Rouge, but its really irrelevant. Whenever it happens, LSU is going to fuck up somebody's national championship world, and it's going to be great to watch. In fact, Sep. 20th to Nov. 1st is prime fuck up season in the SEC. Now, do the Perrilloux-less tigers have a chance to get Croomed on Sep. 27th, or lose to any other SEC team. Hell yeah they do, its the SEC, shit happens. But if LSU wins the SEC west it's a great season for them, if they shit on some team's birthday cake it's a good season. If they don't do any of that then I'm an idiot.

Sports Commercials

Here is another classic commercial brought to you by Under Armour. While this isn't nearly as cool as the soccer commercial, it is more American. Making it much much better.

Personally, I think the best part is where the entire team is hang cleaning upwards of 350 lbs.

...Thoughts to Consider.

Who exactly is Under Armour University playing?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Another Best Sports Commercial

This one might take the cake.

Seemingly, Guy Ritchie is the world's most famous ad director, because that's all he really does these days.

Nike tapped Ritchie to do this ad (they are essentially a series, but the several different parts make up the whole), a first-person account of the highlights when one makes an astronomical rise in the land of European Soccer. In addition to several famous footballers (Ronaldinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Rafa Marquez, etc.) and one famous coach (Arsenal's Arsene Wenger), by watching this commercial, you get to experience the highs and lows of America's least favorite sport.

A couple of things I like are Cesc Fabregas kissing the viewer, the double thumbs-up at the pool party, the fact that the main character is Dutch, and of course the cyclical nature of the ad in it's entirety.

This commercial is so fucking cool it warrants more than one viewing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

NFL CRIME WATCH: Johnny Jolly, Jr.

In order to keep our readers as safe as possible from the menaces that roam our city streets, warring with rival gangs every weekend, The Ghost of Roy Hobbs will now be keeping you abreast of developments involving NFL players and crime.

Pictured above: Johnny, at his jolliest. Of course, hurting any Clausen brother would make me feel that happy, too.

Johnny Jolly, Jr. was arrested last night in possession of 200 grams of a controlled substance, a second degree felony in the state of Texas. What substance? We don't know. How controlled? We don't know. Johnny Jolly, Jr.? Drafted out of Texas A&M in the sixth round by the Green Bay Packers, Jolly, Jr. played in 10 games last year, recording 21 tackles before tearing his rotator cuff.

Having gotten the particulars out of the way, did I mention that this guy's name is Johnny Jolly, Jr.? Does anybody else find this funny?

The Green Bay Packers have expressed concern that this may lead to Jolly Junior's being suspended for violating the NFL conduct policy. Of course, I'm sure old J3 is probably more concerned with not going to jail than anything Roger Goodell is going to say to him.

Threat level: Nate Newton. If controlled substance is crack: Lil' Wayne.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

CFB top 10 preview

In the coming weeks I will attempt to offer my analysis of the CFB top 10. These rankings come from a random top 10 list I saw on the internet, so please save me the Regional/Conference bullshit. Thank you

First up #10 Clemson

Gut reaction- The ACC is so bad this actually makes some sense

Offense-Clemson's spread offense returns the two headed monster at running back of James Davis and C.J spiller with SR Cullen Harper at the wheel. SR's Aaron Kelly and Tyler Grisham return at wideout while the offensive line will need to break in three new starters(two of which are underclassmen)

Defense-The tigers return their entire defensive backfield and three d-linemen where uber-recruit Da'Quan Bowers (DE) will most likely contribute. At linebacker Cortney Vincent (MLB) is the only returning starter.

Special Teams-Mark Buchholz K and Jimmy Manners P are probably standing around drinking Gatorade right now.

Schedule-The big test for Clemson comes in their opener (Aug 30) where they will square of against Alabama in Atlanta which will serve as a litmus test for both teams. The other big tests will be against Wake Forest (Oct. 9) the media hyped Bowden Bowl (Nov. 8th) and of course on Nov. 29 when the SC Spurriers come to town. All are in Death Valley.

Ramblings- Here's the thing. A scary thing to someone who isn't too fond of Clemson. On paper, Clemson is a legitimate National title contender. One could make a very strong argument that Clemson will be undefeated heading into the ACC championship game and if the stars align properly, could sneak into the BCS championship game. Everyone knows the ACC is reloading/weak and Clemson doesn't even play Virgina Tech or Miami from the Coastal division. (Beamer is Tommy Bowden's Kryptonite and given the talent they have I'll still argue Miami can beat any team in the nation on any given day)

The offense will be adequate and most likely improve on last year's performance with the growth of Harper. Both James Davis and Spiller have rockets up their asses and are home run threats on every play. However, even with the offensive strengths I feel the defense will be even better. With the addition of Bowers their D-line, is a SEC line in a weak weak conference. The return of the entire defensive backfield doesn't hurt either.

In review, the key for the Tigers will be...DON'T CHOKE. It seems every year Clemson is always a top 25 team with BCS hopes, however every year they suck it up at the worst possible time. Lets use last year as a quick example. Nov. 17th BC roles into town, all the tigers have to do is beat the whitest QB to ever exist in the big bad Death Valley and they go to the ACC championship game to redeem their 41-23 beatdown they received from Tech . What happened Suckfest thats what happened. Even after Tommy found a way to beat Bowden the elder, he somehow found a way to F it up. If you look at Clemson's schedule, on paper, they are undefeated but I'd be willing to bet there will be one or two fuck ups along the way. It could come in the form of an opening loss to Alabama (Which would ultimately have every fighting elephant lover rambling about National Championships and Bear Bryant....Tommy please don't let this happen Love, The Nation) or the Tigers could easily get flexboned by Johnson and the rambling wreck, even Spurrier's Cocks could give them fits. Either way, as an objective observer its going to happen...sometime...somewhere. In short, look out for Clemson, because again...on paper...Clemson looks solid.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Matt Jones Busted for Booger Sugar

Well no wonder this kid was so fast. Matt Jones, formerly of the Arkansas Razorbacks and soon-to-be-formerly of the Jacksonville Jaguars, was busted around 12:45am on Thursday, July 10 behind a bar in Fayetteville chopping up what was admittedly cocaine with his credit card. Jones was apparently baffled that the blow wouldn’t take credit or debit.

Jones is best known for being the all-time leading rusher among quarterbacks in the SEC and for his screw-this-I’d-rather-play-Halo attitude during his days at Arkansas. Blessed with a mediocre arm but incredible Caucasian dexterity and speed, Jones was taken 21st in the 2005 draft as one of the first true ATH’s, and made into a receiver. But this prodigal son of Northwest Arkansas is, by most accounts, screwed at this point.

During his tenure at Jacksonville, Jones reportedly keeps locking horns with Coach and all-around-BAMF Jack Del Rio. Jones’ attitude, marked by some as “cool-under-pressure” but by others as “lazy,” frustrated coaches and fans alike. Usually, in high school or college, Jones would just bust a 90-yard run for touchdown to shut everyone up, or he could just beat Houston Nutt into the ground. Unfortunately for young Matthew, Jack Del Rio both doesn’t care for his Sean-Penn-in-Fast-Times-at-Ridgemont-High demeanor and could devour Jones in one to two sittings. The Jags have drafted other receivers and brought in two former first-rounders Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson as well, clearly leaving the beginnings of a trail of breadcrumbs (or crack rocks) for Jones to follow to the door. Luckily for them, now they don’t have to pay the kid to release him.

According to my sources on the Hill, Jones and two other former players who aren’t and never were important enough to reference were caught white-handed behind a bar on Dickson Street in Fayetteville. Dickson is a popular hang out and bar-sight where cops who need a break can go to easily bust underage kids and public intoxicants. This makes the bust on Jones even sweeter; not only was he a tremendous waste of God-given talent, but he is also as dumb as a burlap bag filled with mayonnaise. Everyone knew cops are littered in that area, but Jones and his merry idiots were chopping powder in what boils down to a high-school hangout. Think about how quickly the cops would have shown up to The Max if Screech and Tyrone Biggums rolled in six grams of the snow. That’s how stupid Matt Jones is.

Being a professional-caliber athlete usually takes a lifetime of dedication and the work ethic of a Budweiser Clydesdale, but Jones made due with God-given abilities, and by “made due,” I mean “made millions.” It sucks because I loved watching the guy give teams fits (he really is a freakish physical specimen…definitely the whitest guy to ever run a 4.32) because his speed was so deceptive due to his long stride. But that was pre-booger sugar. It really is too bad he had to go down like this; another product of South Florida devouring some country bumpkin’s soul. I guess Jerry Jones will give him a spot on the Cowboys, though. Maybe there’s a Dallas-silver-lining in all of this.

Monday, July 7, 2008

McWuncler's All-Americans: Brandon Jennings

To kick off this new monthly installment, we choose Brandon Jennings in honor of his challenging of convention, sticking it to the man, and overt commission to the cause of paper-stacking.
How does one 18-year-old do such a thing? Well, he goes from high school to the pros, of course. The latest Oak Hill Academy (VA) and University of Arizona signee says he is entertaining the prospect of going overseas to play next year instead of Arizona.
This is extremely interesting, as Jennings would be the first American to do this. Currently, the NBA has a very silly rule about players needing to be one year removed from their high school’s graduating class to be eligible for the NBA draft. This move, David Stern thought, would make American players go to college, and cease the influx of high schoolers making the jump to the league.
I have several issues with this rule. To begin with, why is it necessary? There are for sure a few players who will fall through the cracks and never amount to anything except for a flash-in-the-pan pipe dream, but since when do we actually care? Furthermore, it’s not like the NCAA needs help, college basketball is just as popular as it always was, and always will be. They continue to make money hand over fist, and the NCAA Tournament continues to be one of the most watched events in America every year (despite the god-awful broadcasting of CBS). As far as the NBA is concerned, high school kids making the jump weren’t exactly hurting their product either. The three most marketable NBA athletes are Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Kevin Garnett. If you forgot, not a one of these guys took a single class of college. That is to say nothing of Dwight Howard, Monta Ellis, Tyson Chandler, Tracy McGrady, etc.
As far as the college game is concerned, the college option has always existed to serve as a training ground for kids to hone their games, and if the NBA becomes not a realistic option, then a chance to earn a degree and better one’s social status by that avenue. The one-and-done rule creates an environment where schools compete with lucrative options, all the while ignoring the essence of what college hoops used to be about. O.J. Mayo snubbed traditional schools like UNC and Duke, because he wanted to go play ball in Hollywood. The more fun the school, the more apt they are to attain a high class recruit that will only be playing in college for one year. Think about it: Kevin Durant, Texas; Greg Oden, Ohio State; Derrick Rose, Memphis; Kevin Love, UCLA; Michael Beasley, Kansas State; the aforementioned Mayo, USC. All party schools, and with the exception of UCLA, all schools that don’t have the established basketball traditions of the UNCs, Dukes, and Kansases of the world.
So Brandon Jennings, visionary, enlightened, international man of mystery, has figured out a way to prove that the rule is not only unnecessary and possibly hurtful, but also pointless, since there is a clear path around it. Granted, Jennings has established a few qualifiers in a coach who can work with him, a fellow American on the team, etc., but the mere thought of balling overseas instead of wasting a year is pretty outstanding. Just because he’s thinking about it this year means that if he doesn’t go out of the country, soon someone will.