Randall Thinks These Two Colts Should Get a Room

"So, is it hard to kick field goals in rollerblades and hot pants?"

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

You know how I know you're gay? You hang out with these guys.

So I don't know who the fuck did what or why, but this week has been just a giant mess of cloudiness, rain, and bullshit. I hobnobbed with some knobslobs, and have basically decided that working for the weekend is like eating vegetables to take healthier dumps. You gotta do the former, but you shouldn't do the latter rarely.

Anyways, let's get on to some weird-ass internet curios.

Lattimer and I like two things: Blood and cute, fluffy animals. Splendid.


So if you say "youtube," Chris Bosh can hear you. That is unless you are the mother to his kid, of course. Anyways, I am a fan of this idea.


Remember: If you wake up in a plane, chug a Red Bull and jump the hell out.


Sometimes, I'm happier than normal that I am related to a six-year-old. All of you are just going to look weird if you go see this movie in the theaters.


In honor of the newest rule established by the NFL, here's a prime example of something you USED to watch football for, and now will never see again.


Ok. Going to be cold this weekend for some damn reason. Whatever, I won't be at work.

NFL CRIME WATCH: Jeff Reed and Marshawn Lynch.

PART ONE: JEFF REED

Jeff Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct at a gas station in Pennsylvania. Why? Because Jeff Reed got loaded the other night and went apeshit on a paper towel dispenser. The towel dispenser received a thrashing at the hands of Mr. Reed for not being filled with paper towels.

At first I could understand his point. The paper towel dispenser's one goddamn goal in existence is to dispense paper towels what good is it if it isn't filled to the top with Brawny? None, that's how much.

But then I realized that it doesn't feel any pain, and wailing on such a useless piece of shit is useless. That, and I'm not a homosexual kicker. This guy is like the Paris Hilton of football. Always showing up doing something stupid while scantily clad and wasted.

[If you've made it this far, then I would just like to say that yes, I'm just as confused as you are about Gilbert Arenas' face]

PART TWO: MARSHAWN LYNCH

Lynch was arrested Wednesday for possession of a concealed handgun. The police in Culver City stopped Lynch and two others in a vehicle, then searched the vehicle, eventually finding a loaded firearm. He was released that night on $35,000 bail.

Culver City police did not immediately return a phone message seeking information about why officers first confronted Lynch and his companions, nor the probable cause for the vehicle search....
Well they didn't...
Just sayin'...

Then again, Lynch's driving record is somewhat questionable.

Exhibit A:


THREAT LEVEL(s):
JEFF REED - Those dudes from the My New Haircut video
MARSHAWN LYNCH - Ted Kennedy

SEC: How Good Do You Really Want Your Coaches To Be?

The SEC is well known for practically breeding some of the biggest, fastest and strongest athletes in the country, and annually present more NFL-caliber players than any other conference in the country. The pedigree of the SEC athletes is renowned, and subsequently, the SEC itself is renowned as well.

If it's all about the players, then why is this coaching carousel getting to be at breakneck speeds, tossing bodies, pride, and egos left, right and every which way? Sure, everyone in the SEC wants that mold of Bear Bryant, or that Steve Spurrier type. In fact, one SEC school is still searching for that Steve Spurrier type even after hiring Steve Spurrier.

But let's face it, folks; those days are gone. With the very notable exception of PSU's Joe Paterno and FSU's Bobby Bowden, there really are very few truly tenured coaches in college football, and even fewer in the SEC. Jim Tressel at Ohio State, Mack Brown at Texas, maybe Pete Carroll in Southern California, if the NFL doesn't eventually lure him away. The SEC's most tenured coach? Bobby Johnson at Vanderbilt in his eighth season. Not to take away from the accomplishments of 2008 for the Commodores, but that leaves the cream of the crop being very fresh.

The most tenured coaches of this past season, Tennessee's Phil Fulmer and Auburn's Tommy Tuberville, with 17 and 10 season's respectively, no longer have jobs. Run out by single-season disappointments, the faces of those organizations are a kid from Oakland and Who Knows for the Tigers?

Success seems to be a dangerous accolade these days. Three notable coaches who had marked success have been shown the door, or made their exit before it was made for them.

Hitting close to home, Houston Dale Nutt excused himself from the University of Arkansas days after upsetting No. 1 LSU, and just one year removed from being the SEC coach of the year, not to mention an SEC Western divisional title.

His new home in Oxford, MS boasts a team with a winning record as well as a Cotton Bowl bid, and had it not been for that show-off in Tuscaloosa, AL, Nutt would've captured his second Coach of the Year award in three years.

Phil Fulmer's team rallied from early disappointments in 2007 to represent the East in the SEC Championship last year. Of course, while many thought Georgia was more deserving (and they probably were), the all-mighty tie-breaker left the Bulldogs in the doghouse and let the Volunteers play. But it seems a national championship and SEC championship honors aren't bulletproof, and Fulmer's dynasty ended in mid-season.

Rocky Top is left with former Oakland Raider coach Lane Kiffin, who despite glitz and glamor being associated with his name, has very little to show for it by way of head coaching victories or experience.

In a yet another strike against convention and a painful strike against the dwindling numbers of the already sparse number of minority coaches, Mississippi State's Sylvester Croom is out after four years as head coach, a position for which he was awarded Coach of the Year by the SEC.

While his overall record may not be as impressive as his contemporaries, last year seems like more of a distant memory than it should be, especially considering the obvious and vast improvements to the football program in Starkville.

If this is the new convention, what do we say of the youngbloods who are currently steering the SEC heavyweights Alabama, Florida, and...LSU? Are we saying that following a scary trend where a coach like Les Miles, who last year won a national championship, may begin the 2009 season on the hot seat following a late-season collapse in 2008?

Are the SEC schools so driven by megalomania that they think they should - and will - find someone better? I haven't seen a houndstooth hat recently, but I've seen a large hat being worn by a successful coach at LSU. If a national title is two whopping years away or two years in the past, does that warrant termination?

The answer may not be yes, but fewer and fewer people would be surprised if the answer were no.

CFB top 10 preview

In the coming weeks I will attempt to offer my analysis of the CFB top 10. These rankings come from a random top 10 list I saw on the internet, so please save me the Regional/Conference bullshit. Thank you

...First up #10 Clemson

Gut reaction- The ACC is so bad this actually makes some sense

Offense-Clemson's spread offense returns the two headed monster at running back of James Davis and C.J spiller with SR Cullen Harper at the wheel. SR's Aaron Kelly and Tyler Grisham return at wideout while the offensive line will need to break in three new starters(two of which are underclassmen)

Defense-The tigers return their entire defensive backfield and three d-linemen where uber-recruit Da'Quan Bowers (DE) will most likely contribute. At linebacker Cortney Vincent (MLB) is the only returning starter.

Special Teams-Mark Buchholz K and Jimmy Manners P are probably standing around drinking Gatorade right now.

Schedule-The big test for Clemson comes in their opener (Aug 30) where they will square of against Alabama in Atlanta which will serve as a litmus test for both teams. The other big tests will be against Wake Forest (Oct. 9) the media hyped Bowden Bowl (Nov. 8th) and of course on Nov. 29 when the SC Spurriers come to town. All are in Death Valley.

Ramblings- Here's the thing. A scary thing to someone who isn't too fond of Clemson. On paper, Clemson is a legitimate National title contender. One could make a very strong argument that Clemson will be undefeated heading into the ACC championship game and if the stars align properly, could sneak into the BCS championship game. Everyone knows the ACC is reloading/weak and Clemson doesn't even play Virgina Tech or Miami from the Coastal division. (Beamer is Tommy Bowden's Kryptonite and given the talent they have I'll still argue Miami can beat any team in the nation on any given day)

The offense will be adequate and most likely improve on last year's performance with the growth of Harper. Both James Davis and Spiller have rockets up their asses and are home run threats on every play. However, even with the offensive strengths I feel the defense will be even better. With the addition of Bowers their D-line, is a SEC line in a weak weak conference. The return of the entire defensive backfield doesn't hurt either.

In review, the key for the Tigers will be...DON'T CHOKE. It seems every year Clemson is always a top 25 team with BCS hopes, however every year they suck it up at the worst possible time. Lets use last year as a quick example. Nov. 17th BC roles into town, all the tigers have to do is beat the whitest QB to ever exist in the big bad Death Valley and they go to the ACC championship game to redeem their 41-23 beatdown they received from Tech . What happened Suckfest thats what happened. Even after Tommy found a way to beat Bowden the elder, he somehow found a way to F it up. If you look at Clemson's schedule, on paper, they are undefeated but I'd be willing to bet there will be one or two fuck ups along the way. It could come in the form of an opening loss to Alabama (Which would ultimately have every fighting elephant lover rambling about National Championships and Bear Bryant....Tommy please don't let this happen Love, The Nation) or the Tigers could easily get flexboned by Johnson and the rambling wreck, even Spurrier's Cocks could give them fits. Either way, as an objective observer its going to happen...sometime...somewhere. In short, look out for Clemson, because again...on paper...Clemson looks solid.