Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a freshman point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.


Dogus is in a daze. Dogus doesn't know what to do. Dogus' friends, his family, what will they say? "You'll always be a goatherder." Dogus can't stand to hear that again. Dogus doesn't know what happened.

Dogus was described as 'scrappy' by the announcers. They praised his effort. Dogus was sure not to let them see him dribble with his left hand. Verne Lundquist would not have been so kind had they seen the evil left hand. They also always brought up the Ricky Rubio. Dogus will kill Ricky Rubio.

Things went ok, and Dogus danced. Danced into the night. Dogus was dancing in the Green borough of Carolina of the North. Dogus liked this land. Trees were everywhere, and there were cigarettes everywhere. Dogus likes trees, they don't have enough in Turkey. Dogus also likes cigarettes, they remind him of home. But then Dogus found out that a great evil lurked in the Northern Carolina...


Dogus' ancestors used to be friends with Hitler's ancestors. No longer. Now Hitler hates Dogus. Hitler orders minions to pressure Dogus' right hand. Hitler's minions set ruthless picks on Dogus. Dogus spends a lot of time on the ground. Dogus' shot selection is poor. Dogus tries, but nothing works. The evil Hitler and his Devils force Dogus to shoot free throws.

Now, Dogus dances no longer. Dogus encounters existential plight.

AAU: Anything But Amatuer, and the Reality of the Longshot

Wiley codger and punching-enthusiast Steve Lattimer tipped me to a certain point about the state of sports among American youth.

In Arkansas, one of many Tim Tebow bills across the country hopes to allow home-schooled children access to public school activities.

Lattimer then introduced an interesting notion, that of a high school athlete, or perhaps, even younger, could possibly stand as a free agent. Within the context of my political article on another site, Lattimer commented that this was in fact a detriment.

But hasn't this always been the case?

By show of anonymous and technologically-voyeured hands, how many of you were awesome at little league sports? Me too. I played baseball until high school and football until college. I was alright in those domains, but little league was my dojo. In baseball, I played every position, save for the wackiness that surrounded second base and shortstop. In football, I played every down, usually with a dominance not unlike that of grizzly bear over a salmon.

Why was I such a force to be reckoned with? Easy, I tried hard. I put out my best effort, and when the physicality is relatively equal in its prepubescent stages, effort is all that matters.

Notice I have no lucrative shoe deals, contracts, or playing time. I'm not even sure that I own a jock strap anymore. That's because there comes a certain point when effort is not all that really matters.

Genes take over and mold men from boys. Not only that, but some people are driven to work hard for that coveted college scholarship or professional opportunities. Combine the two, and voila. The cream of the crop emerges and many go on to productive college and professional careers. Many lack the physicality. Many lack the prioritization of sports over the endeavors of academics, or tomfoolery.

I happened to lack both, by the way.

So you hear about these traveling AAU basketball, baseball, and now it seems, although unofficially, 7-on-7 football teams. The goal of all of these is to develop and showcase individual talents. If you're in my age bracket, you remember the kids selected for these teams. It was a traveling All-Star team, featuring the best players from the little league pool.

I think here is the rub for most people is that adults realize what these children, while playing do not: Of the thousands and thousands of kids playing in these "amateur" sports, with practice regiments and schedules that are anything but, a fraction will actually make it. No matter how good all of these kids get, baseball teams only play nine players at a time. Basketball is a little more than half that.

This notion of taking a child — a child, mind you — and molding them into some sort of longshot superstar seems backward. My neighbor through my developmental years was always groomed to be a world-class pitcher in baseball. He looked the part, tall and athletic, and was provided incentives for hard work: a possibly lucrative career.

But my neighbor would not play. A bad nerve in his throwing arm rendered him nearly disabled after every outing in the infancy of his college career. He couldn't help it.

The notion is simple enough. Responsible parents are worried about kids who are too focused on sports, and not focused enough on being well-rounded, productive members of society. But if a kid like this Allonzo Trier, a 5'5" sixth grade youtube basketball sensation, wants to make 450 shots — make, not take and miss, and oh yeah, take away one from the total if he misses two in a row — to be the best he can be, who's to say 'Stop working so hard to live that dream, boy!"

But a healthy dose of the reality of the long shot wouldn't hurt. What is to come of Trier is he has a degenerative condition and doesn't grow past 5'5"? Bye bye NBA, hello something else.

I think the status quo is inevitable for developing athletics. Dedication has its dividends. As for developing decent human beings, that is yet to be soundly determined.

And the jury is still out on whether the development of one is indirectly proportional to the development of the other.

Bob Knight Thinks St. Anger Sucked

Here at GRH we have a special place in our heart for sports commercials. and this does not disappoint.

We typically break these down, but what is there to say?

We have Guitar Hero, Metallica, and four legendary college basketball coaches.

Simply Amazing.

I would have been pleased if they just stood there staring at each other.

However, I do have two suggestions.

1. The coaches should have worn their typical game day attire. (Bob=sweater vest, Roy and coach K=suits, Pitino=White Pimp Suit)
2. Coach Knight needed to slap and or choke someone (preferably Lars)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I try check out The Smoking Gun as much as I can, if nothing else the mugshots are entertaining.

But every once and a while, they strike gold.

Yes the Shamwow asshole got into a brawl with a prostitute because she bit his tongue and would not let go.

Made my weekend.

But I need more.

For the Shit Storm, give us the best athlete scandal/arrest/rumor. And this is a blog, so you can just make stuff up if you want.

My pick:

Mark Chmura.

I just loooooved the fact that Chboom-Chboom's was too good to visit President Clinton in 1997 after the whole Monica thing.

Fast forward to 2000. The same man who was disgusted at Clinton was accused of hosting a post prom party....where he played drinking games...in a hot tub....with a 17 year old...who was the babysitter......OF HIS CHILDREN.

Two things happen when you mix vodka and 17 year old girls.
1. Yack city
2. Passout city.

Luckily for Mark it was #2 and he did what any upstanding man would do, take her into the bathroom and..... well those were just allegations.

Either way, great job Chmura I bet that was the best prom party in Waushuka Catholic Memorial High School history!!!


Friday, March 27, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

You know how I know you're gay? You hang out with these guys.

So I don't know who the fuck did what or why, but this week has been just a giant mess of cloudiness, rain, and bullshit. I hobnobbed with some knobslobs, and have basically decided that working for the weekend is like eating vegetables to take healthier dumps. You gotta do the former, but you shouldn't do the latter rarely.

Anyways, let's get on to some weird-ass internet curios.

Lattimer and I like two things: Blood and cute, fluffy animals. Splendid.

So if you say "youtube," Chris Bosh can hear you. That is unless you are the mother to his kid, of course. Anyways, I am a fan of this idea.

Remember: If you wake up in a plane, chug a Red Bull and jump the hell out.

Sometimes, I'm happier than normal that I am related to a six-year-old. All of you are just going to look weird if you go see this movie in the theaters.

In honor of the newest rule established by the NFL, here's a prime example of something you USED to watch football for, and now will never see again.

Ok. Going to be cold this weekend for some damn reason. Whatever, I won't be at work.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Roger Goodell: Trier of Men's Souls

"I think it's clear he's paid a price, but to a large extent he's going to have to demonstrate to the larger community — not just to the NFL community and to me — that he has remorse for what he did and that he recognizes mistakes that he made."

Roger Goodell, the heavy-handed commissioner of the National Football League, is already being asked for his musings on the highest-profile case that he has seen or will likely see in his commissioning tenure.

With Michael Vick set to be released from prison just in time for the opening days of NFL training camps. The Atlanta Falcons, who still retain his rights, are saying he'll be up for grabs. With 31 teams who could not only use a specimen like Michael Vick, but a Michael Vick who has been doing nothing but thinking and lifting weights (pick which one he does better), it's a safe bet that there are more than a handful of teams who would be willing to fork over the extra money to install some fire-hoses to ward of the PeTA protesters who would surely bombard their respective stadium.

They'll be all over that Mike Vick.

But hold those horses! Goodell says that the court ordered paying of debts, both monetary and punitive, may not be enough. Goodell is saying that the single most explosive player isn't going to be able to waltz in like he owns the place anymore. He is going to have to pay even more. He is going to be weighed on a scale more mighty and fearsome than any judicial system known to man.

He's going to have to tell Goodell that he's sorry. And he's going to have to mean it.

The most omniscient Goodell will try the man's soul. He will look into his very heart and determine the sincerity of his words. All will hail his magnanimous judgment for it will be good. It will be just. It will be politically correct. This man who has been living behind bars had better be grateful for the millions he may or may not get back, and he had better not be lying about it.

Because this is the NFL. We don't take kindly to people who lie and get caught.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Caption Contest!

Roy: Give her my number! GIVE HER MY NUMBER!


Roy: I know this is a bad time, but have you given any thought to what can be offered to you through the Jehovah's Witnesses?



It's a funny picture. Props to Lattimer for the find.

Hey What's Up

Hey guys, I'm Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. I'm writing you guys to try to win your respect and admiration, especially you Lattimer. See, Lattimer used to kinda like me. Even with all that Boston hate inside his heart, Lattimer would still defend me. He thought I was a great quarterback, a great leader, and will eventually consider me in the top 10 in history. But last night I received a disturbing message from the shit stormer himself. It reads: WTF BRADY WHAT A PSSY I H8 U SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!

I think it has something to do with this rule. Look, I'm not on the rules committee, Shit Gisele is driving me up the wall, I've got zero free time. Lattimer, I know you hate what my boss said
"I think all the quarterbacks in this league are critical to what the game is about," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "It's like if Peyton Manning were gone for a season, I think the whole NFL suffers, the same way the NFL suffered with Tommy out. So whatever we can do to protect quarterbacks and to minimize the opportunity of them being taken out with a year-ending injury I would support.

"It's not good for the league. What makes it special is special players. It's like going to see a great movie and the star isn't in the movie. It's the same principle."

I mean he's my boss, I bet your boss says ignorant things from time to time. (Latt note-Anger Rising) Look you can sympathize with me, you used to climb into giant crushers to clear out two tons worth of limestone, one slip and you could end up taking a 50 foot elevator ride. (Latt note- We wore harnesses and it's something called OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD)

I guess I could wear some type of safety device, I see the o-line wearing those, probably because their knees are in a vulnerable position. But you know, it just doesn't look as cool.

It's not my fault that the rule essentially limits a defender to hit me here
/points to shoulders.

To here
/points to waist.

It kinda sucks for the defense because even if they do hit me and slide down to my knee they can still get penalized.

I guess eventually nobody will be able to hit us anymore, which will be sweet because I can just stand back there like 7 on 7 and fire rockets all over the field.

And those other rules...totally not my fault.

I just can't help it if people love me so much. I think it's obvious that they come to see me, Pey Pey and.....

Lattimer: Just stop talking...Just stop.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I was going to do something serious, but I'm just having so much fun right now.

Icehouse's point/counterpoint had me rolling this weekend and I feel like we need to explore this topic a little more.

What's the topic you ask?

Goofy and gooberific athletes.

You know the ones that make you laugh, and question why are they playing.

My Pick:
Ok this took a long time, there are just so many choices, and believe me I'm still questioning myself right now.

"What's that you say Mrs. Robinson? Joltin Joe has left and gone away? (hey hey hey)

The reasons for Dimaggio?

Well Joe batted .325 over his career, banged out 361 homers (and probably would've had more if not for the war in the middle of his career and the large vacuum that was Yankee stadium's left field.) He was also considered the best 5 tool player, and he still holds the hitting steak record at 56, which I'm afraid to say, will not be broken in our lifetime.

Ohhhhh and he married Marilyn Monroe.

So for all you young hobbers out there remember this: As long as you can ball and make lots of money, nobody will care about anything else.

let's light this fire.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sh*t! We lost!

Seth Coy: Shit! We lost!

Man... bounced in the first round.

But spring break is still going on, right? I can probably make it back to that secluded lake and murder a few scantily-clad sexy vacationers before Monday.

That'll be sweet.

Ryan Rossiter: ALRIGHT! We get to keep playing!

Check me out, Linus! You better put that 22-sided die away and forget about me coming to play D&D tonight, because this level eight wizard is still dancing!

When this magical dream finally ends, I'll be the biggest man on campus. If the door to the girl's substance-free dorm back in upstate New York isn't frozen shut, you better believe I'll be hanging outside of it with some chocolates and my collection of Franz Ferdinand CDs, just waiting for some girl to slip up and make eye contact with me.

This is the best weekend of my life.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Shit. What is this? A blog? Hmm. Ghost of Roy Hooooooobbbs. Mmm, don't really remember it, sorry.

Which is my way of saying yes, I know it's been forever since I've produced something, for which I am terribly sorry. But anyways, on with the fun!

So the Hornets have yet to perfect the whole "Entertain fans while the game is going on" thing. In fact, due to their spectacular failures in this field, they have earned quite the reputation to the tune of getting fined tens of thousands of dollars on the regular. But they sure try, don't they?

You've probably already seen this, but it's phenomenal. Best dunk of March, by far.

I sure hope no crazy hos accuse Kobe of doing stuff he didn't do anytime soon, because I'm really starting to love his personality.

Speaking of personality from perennially hated NBAers, here's this.


And on that note, even more. God bless H.E.B. for making these.

Shit yes! High of eighty and not a cloud in the sky, not even protesters can stop me today.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

We interupt this blog for an important announcement

My fellow Hobbers.

Today we face an a period of uncertainty,


period of anger, a period of hate.

However this day can



joy, happiness, hope

and most importantly


My fellow Hobbers, today is the start of the NCAA tournament.




(Standing ovation)


People before you have said, do NOT watch the games today.

Your friends have said a 16





They've said UNC










who knows nothing about basketball

can look like a genius

You ask.

how do we make this change?

well you sign up for the GRH bracket pool

Yahoo (tourney pick'em 09)
ID# 85273
Password: grh

seriously you only have about 4-5 hours so hurry up.

My fellow Hobbers, I filled out my own bracket,

And I implore you to do the same.

Thank you,

and God bless GRH.
(Standing ovation)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Caption Contest!

Hobbers, it's an uncharted day today: RICKY RANDOM CAPTION CONTEST!

No celebrity athletes today, folks. This picture, I thought was too good to pass up. For added pleasure, just think about what these two goons are probably doing today: Working at Enterprise Rent-a-car and living at home, still keeping in touch with Ty Willingham.

Jersey: So that pretty much ruins 90% of your activities for your weekend, eh?
Sweatshirt: No, I'm a switch hitter.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: You should see the other guy.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: I found my Dad's Atari, and it's got a joy stick like this.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: There's a better chance of me playing with this cast than of you playing at 100%.
Jersey: Wow....I mean, yeah...

I implore you. Please do better than I did.

Hey what's up

I'm Le Anne Schreiber, ombudsman (ombudswoman?) for ESPN. many of you may not have heard of me because the WWL constantly pushed my columns down the page, I eventually settled between NHRA and BASSMASTERS. There are positives and negatives to this job. One positive is that I get to hate on ESPN for a living. Not once did I have writers block. The negaative is the fact that I have to watch and read as much ESPN material as possible, torture to say the least. After two years of nobody f-ing listening to me I finally decided to leave, however I did pen a final eloquent smack down on all of those d-bags at ESPN. Thank you, and good night.

Ohhhh and one more thing, GRH is having a bracket challenge.
Yahoo (suck it ESPN)
ID# 85273
Password: grh

And GRH if I may. Who the hell is this talking liquor bottle and why is he relevant?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's day S--t Storm







Hey What's Up

Hey Hobbers I'm Chief Kickingstallionsims, well that's a lie. My real name is Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims, Jr. I'm a 7'1 center for the Alabama State University hornets, and I'm here to remind you that we play against Morehead State tonight for the right to go to the tournament and get stomped by Louisville. I'm really excited.

Lattimer also wanted me to remind you about the GRH bracket pool. It's totally free, and totally awesome.

ID # 85273
Password: grh

I already see there is a bracket called "Alabama St. all the way"


Monday, March 16, 2009

On the Go: Matt Jones, Pudge, and Cutler

The off-season is often wrought with players on the go to new locales, be it by their own volition or otherwise. Here's a brief of some notable names who are the latest to get the respective boot.

Matt Jones - WR, Jax Jags: Released.

Matt "Booger Sugar" Jones was mercifully let go by the Jacksonville Jack Del Rio's this morning. Jones, who was a star in his native land of Arkansas, has been a devastating disappointment, even in 2008, his "best" statistical year, hauling in a little under 800 yards.

Jones was sent to the pokey after admitting to drinking a few beers while playing golf a few days before his drug and alcohol test. What's even dumber than this is that it is reported that Jones was drinking Milwaukee's Best while golfing. So not only was Jones flushing his career down the pooper, but he was doing so with poorly-crafted brew.

For shame, Matthew.

I've waxed somewhat poetically on the disappointment of Jones' once bright future, and conclude again that he'll get picked up by Arkansas alum Jerry Jones. There he will try a little bit, catch one or two passes that will make some people go, "Hey, this guy is a professional football player," and nonchalantly chop up some more nose candy, this time in the finer company of Michael Irvin et al.

Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez - C, New York Yankees: Signed with Astros.

The Pudge Train stops for no man, not even a Steinbrenner. Pudge has been traded to Houston for $1.5 large, with los opportunistas for $1.5 again.

Pudge is commonly known as the biggest whore in baseball, having played for nearly every team that has ever existed at one point or another. His latest Golden Glove was in 2007 when he happened to be playing for the Detroit Tigers when they happened to go to the World Series, meaning that the rest of the world would have to put up with him for at least another few years.

Pudge is a definite Hall of Famer, and has one of the neatest monikers in basebol. That's not to say he doesn't have a little bit of Farve in him. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Icehouse, translate all this for Pudge.

Jay Cutler - QB, Denver Broncos: Asking to be traded following afternoon nap.

Pshh. This guy. This guy and his pouting.

At first, I have to say that I kind of sided with Cutler. I mean, who wants to play for a guy who actively tried to ship you somewhere else before even meeting you.

Then I realized that this wasn't Pop Warner football, nor was it a charitable Powderpuff League. It's the NFL, where once-great players are kicked out the door without so much as a thank you once their talents wane to become "only better than average."

Steve McNair was the face of the franchise in Tennessee, and lead his team to a Super Bowl. And while perhaps management thought he was dumb enough to not notice or remember that he played for the Titans (and believe me, he's dumb enough to actually think that), the organization jobbed him good, and he landed on his neck in Baltimore.

I have much more respect for McNair than Cutler, and I just called the former nearly retarded. Quit whining. It's not like Denver is a gridiron haven. You're tremendously overrated right now, and maybe you're just trying to get yours before you get gone. But do there have to be so many tears? Your teenage angst does not serve you well, Mr. Sulkface.

Get over it. Scramble in the pocket. Make decent passes. And thank God you made it out of the Vanderbilt athletic department with a career in professional athletics.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Hobbers are in luck today, as we will have TWO yes TWO shit storms, and one of them will last about three weeks.

That's right GRH will host its first bracket pool.

The Vitals:
Group ID=The Ghost of Roy Hobbs
ID #= 85273

If you've never done yahoo before, you'll need to make a free account before you sign in. I encourage everyone to use their Hobbs handle.

Search the ID# and then enter the password.

It's totally free, and I really have no idea what we'll do for a prize. (maybe that's next week's shit storm) This also means that we really don't care who you are sign up for that shit.

Are you from Russia? Did you randomly find the GRH? Sign the fuck up comrade.

Or should I say, Войти ебешь деятельности товарища!!!!

Ok On to the real shit storm.

I recommend you look at my previous post for hilarity.

Spring is upon us which can only mean one thing. REC LEAGUE SPORTS!!!

What better way to prove that coach who cut you in the 9th grade was wrong!!!!

So, for the Shit Storm, pick your favorite rec league sport.

My pick is Indoor Soccer.

In high school The KODIAK BEARS had a four year reign of terror on Vetta sports complex (Concord)

The best thing about our team was the simple fact that we could care less if we won.

We had two objectives:
1. Flavor
2. Penalties (the ultimate goal was to get kicked out of the game and pull a Rodman)

Our team was half really good soccer players, half enforcers.

our rap sheet includes, but is not limited to:
-going high on tackles
-excessive flopping
-constantly arguing with the ref
-excessive celebration
-drunken fan base (Kodiak Krew)
-a 21 year old head coach
-the "Flying V"
-constantly blocking for our golie to go coast to coast
-You go high on headers? We go low
-Excessive "flair"
-Trying to score a half line goal at least once per game
-Clearing the benches at the slightest sign of trouble
-Running up the score on 40 year olds

This ultimately resulted in the banning of the BEARS, and several team members are "technically" not allowed to enter the facility ever again.

Whatever I'm over it.

So let's hear the best rec league sports, stories are more than welcome.


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Required Viewing

Everyone needs to watch these videos in order to truly appreciate tomorrow's S--t Storm:
This is the great part about writing for GRH, every once and a while, you look for material, and you come across a gold mine of comedy.
The following three videos are one of the many reasons I only play in co-ed softball leagues.

Part 1.

Almost too much to say here but:
1. Fast pitch? really?
3. Lou Pinella is impressed.
5. Why in the hell would you want to ump a male softball game?

Part 2.

2. Ohhhhh no, it's worth it George, THIS IS THE COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
3. Chavon's market knows that "coors light" didn't beat them.

Part 3.

1. Nice lip meat
2. This is the risk you run by playing in 5 competitive leagues. Softball schedule...full.

upon further research I found out that Joe Sports Fan chronicled these series of events far better than I ever could.

They also took it one step further.

Softball guy:

Simply. Amazing.

And to finish it off, here is our friend George earlier in the game.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

T.W. On Spring Break: Part Deux

(Night Club)

/Douche Crew Enters 10:16 PM

T.W: Shit is BANGIN

Matt: I need a drink

Phelps: Theriousthly

T.W: It's on me Dude....Everything on the company tonight.

Matt: Shit yes T.W...Hey little lady 3 tequilas!!!

(10:55 PM)

Matt: hey, yo yo yo is that J.J Redick?


J.J: What's up Homo's?

T.W: hey...

J.J: T.W, what the hell happened to you, looks like you finally finished college, still living on daddy's money I see.

Oh hey Phelps, good job this summer, 8 gold medals...that would be impressive if swimming wasn't so gay.

Matt, Superbowl huh, so uhhhh how many passing yards did you have this year?

Matt: I...

J.J: Oh that's right you lost your job to a religious freak with a goblin for a wife.

Matt: Well...

J.J: What exactly do you do for that team? Chart plays? Signal them in? Wear those gay ass NFL hats?


J.J: Well hey at least you made some money and didn't lose a shitload like that dude Andre Smith.

Phelps: Stho J.J what exactly are you doing here, like sthouldn't you be playing basthketball right now.

/Tilts orioles cap to the side

J.J: Well, I'm not actually 'playing basketball' these days, so Coach Van Gundy said I could just leave. But other than that I've pretty much been shocking people.

That's what I do, I shock.
Shock the ladies.
Shock the fans.
Shock the dudes.
Shock the rock.
Shock the magic.
Shock the air.
Shock the booze.
Shock the sea.

It's what I do, I shock.


Bar patron: That shit was never cool in the first place.

J.J: T.W Get me a Malibu rum.


J.J: NOW!!!

/all four take a shot of Malibu Rum
//J.J runs behind a Phelps screen, sets up and shoots the shot glass into the bar sink
///runs out of Bar flapping arms up and down, taunting other bar patrons

(12:30 AM)

T.W: Ahhhhhhh I'm sooooooooo wasted, to this point I've had:
7.5 beers
3 Jagerbombs
2 Rum and cokes
3 shots of tequilla
1 Malibu shot
1 Long island Ice Tea



Phelps: Stheriosthly man I can drink stho much

Matt: BRO'S I'M SO WASTED!!!!!!!

oh shit.

T.W: What?

Phelps: Papelbon

Matt: That dude kinda creeps me out.

Papelbon: BOSTON!!!
/Cranks "Shipping up to Boston"
//Does Irish Jig
///Panders to Boston fans

T.W: That guy is weird but I do love this song.

Matt: I know right, THAT SHIT IS SO IRISH!!!

(2:33 AM)

Matt: YO YO YO sonar contact at 250 yards out...battle stations.

Phelps: I'm going to need sthome liquid courage for thisth missthion

T.W: 3 Wise men on me.

/all three take a shot of the most soul crushing drink known to man

Phelps: Bwwwwwwwww.......BWWWWWWWWWWW.....
/ pukes molten gold

Matt: Ohh shi... bwwwww........bww..bww...bwww...bwww...bww....BWAAHHHHHHH...BWAHHHHHHH.....

/pukes into faces of sorority girls, revealing a used condom in the vomit

T.W: Ohhhh my go...

/Slips in molten gold puke knocking sorority girls into molten vomit


/slumps over in alley
//pukes on self

(5 minutes later)

/Vomits down shirt

(3 minutes later)

/projectile vomits on couple a newly wed couple

(3:30 AM, Talking to girls in club)

Phelps: Stheriousthly guysth we need to rally letsth stheal the flippin deal

Matt: Just use the gold line, and I'll finish with the Heisman.

T.W you can pay for the cab.

Phelps: Ok letsth do it.
/turn hat backwards

Matt: OHHHH SHIT!!!!

Brynn: Matt, maybe instead of chasing tail, you could spend some time with your child...


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Caption Contest!

Demon Deacon: "Thanks for riding bitch, Muggsy. I look Huge!"
Muggsy Bogues: "Maybe, but it also looks like I'm the pitcher and you're the catcher. Who's the bitch now?!"


Muggsy: Whose motorcycle is this?
Deacon: It's not a motorcycle, it's a chopper, baby.
Muggsy: Whose chopper is this?
Deacon: It's Zed's, baby.
Muggsy: Who's Zed?
Deacon: Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.


Woman in foreground: I got it! I got it! We are playing softball, right?

Weird picture, weird examples, let's kick this thing's ass.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

T.W goes on spring break

(MTV show "Real Life: I'm a Spring Breaker")

/Techno Music blaring

Narrator: Every spring thousands of coeds descend on Daytona Beach to experience the sand, the booze, and of course the skin. Some view this as a release from their daily lives, others view it as a lifestyle.

This is their story.

(Hotel room)

Narrator: This is T.W and he is a spring breaker. T.W views Daytona beach as his Mecca. Every March he takes a pilgrimage to pray to the god of partying. T.W views spring break as a lifestyle, but as we'll find out being a spring breaker also has it's difficulties.

T.W: Yeah so this is my setup, I went ahead and rented five connecting rooms, so you know we can probably fit 50-75 people in here. I named each of them, this one is mine, I call it the thunderdome, you know cause I bring the thunder. you can look at the set up here. I got the beers taking an ice bath in the tub, took that top drawer made it into a 50 bottle bar, threw up some lights on the balcony. You know I wanted this room to be classy, really wanted to make it pop.

Having this type of set up takes a lot of work, so some of my bro's rented rooms on this floor we basically have the entire floor to ourselves, so tonight we're gonna have a shot party and every room is gonna have a different shot. You know real classy, ladies like classy.

Matt: Yeah I got 10 rooms across the hall you see the one in the middle with the fathead of me on the front? Yeah we call that one "Heisman" were gonna have jello shots tonight.

T.W: Classy, that fathead really pops.

Matt: Yo Phelpsie What are you gonna have in your room tonight.

Phelps: What do you think? Goldsthlager all the way dudesth.

Matt: Nice, I like the theme there only one drink for the "Gold Room" that's hot.

Yo T.W what's the thunder dome gonna have tonight.

T.W: That's for me to know...AND THE LADIES TO FIND OUT!!! AM I RIGHT!!!

/all three hi-five and chest bump.

(Next Day at the Beach)

/all three take off affliction shirts

T.W: Last night was crazy right.

Phelps: Dudesth I was swimming in it lasth night, gave out some sthilver medalsth if you know what I mean.
/tilts trucker hat to the side

Matt: RIGHT!!!

So hey T.W how did you convince your dad to front you the money to come down here?

T.W: Told him I was doing market research analysis for the distillery.

Phelps: Niceth

T.W: I also told some of my bro's I'd do some spring training updates for their website.

Matt: so.... shouldn't you be going to some games?

T.W: Well what the hell do you want me to talk about. Ok A-Rod did roids, then he f'd up his hip. The AL east looks like a grinder. Because of Manny the Dodgers are now legit again. Both Central divisions are wide open, and the WBC is woefully irrelevant.

Matt: And your favorite team?

T.W: Ohh I don't have one, I typically wear Cubs and Red Sox hats depending on which team has more hardships. I identify with both fan bases.

/drinks self

(three hours later)

Matt: Check it out T.W is passed out!!!

Phelps: letsth bury him in the sthand

/buries T.W in sand

Matt: Phelpsie check out those fly honey nut cheerios!!!

Phelpsie, you want to do the 1500 meter medley?


(3 hours later)

T.W: OH what the hell.

To be continued...maybe