I know I've been gone for a while, but every shit stormer needs their own walk about as it were. While I was gone I've been doing things like podcasting, analyzing the offensive tendencies of 14-18 year olds, and I've joined a protest or two. Today I'm protesting work, you can follow me on twitter at #occupylattimerscouch
However, I have had some time to pursue my 7th favorite past time which is watching TV. During one of my sessions, I wondered why there weren't more TV shows centered around sports? I kind of felt like some of the humor and drama was already there, and the writers could also address some of the issues facing the sport.
To be sure, we've had shows like that. Playmakers was probably the first I can remember. The show really addressed the dark side of professional football, and it's cancellation coincides with ESPN's transition from a 20 something bachelor into a suit wearing company man.
I'm sure you all know about Friday Night Lights. (the TV show)It was fun and all. Icehouse was an extra, but let's be honest. FNL was essentially Glee for jocks.
As you can see these two great TV shows follow the same path of most sports TV shows and movies. They just blatantly throw stereotypes and issues right in your face and lack an accurate portrayal of the games. The quick and easy solution to this dilemma is fairly clear, but unfortunately David Simon is busy right now.
So our job for the shit storm is to get together and create a sports drama. In the spirit of the shit storm's triumphant return I say we work together on this one. Someone start off with a sport, and we'll just brainstorm from there.
Shit storm begin.
Showing posts with label Wire elitism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wire elitism. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Message to the Aspiring College Rap/Pop Artists
I wrote to you previously highlighting the history of college fan/rap videos. I still stand by my suggestion that you should not try to make one. It's kinda like Atreyu in The Neverending Story where he has to pass that gate with the giant wing statue things. You know, the ones that will blast all the warriors with lasers only if they are pure of heart. They all end up dying, and that one guy laughs at him.
Making a fan rap video is kind of like that, only for the pure of heart.
It seems, however that my message is not getting through, so in the interest of the kids, I'll show you some good examples of fan rap videos and why others fail. Think of it about the safe sex education in schools. If you're going to get fucked, use a condom.
First let me start off by showing what I think is the standard for fan/college inspired videos.
Again, when we look at this video we see humor, random scenes (the key dropping) and some pretty funny lines.
And again, it pokes fun at the school while still showing its endearing qualities. Good job Eastern Kentucky.
Here's a fan favorite from BYU. As you can see here these girls are being brutally honest about the situation In Provo. They aren't trying to be hardcore, or explain how cool it is, just singing a catchy tune. That and the machete wielding roller blade girl, she gets me every time.
Finally we have the pinnacle of fan rap videos. As you can tell the key feature in this video is that it's performed by Uncle Luke. An actual rapper. With actual talent. "But Lattimer, what if a rapper won't make a song about my school? What then?" I understand your concern and my advice to you is to make your school rap worthy. How? Ask yourself, do you have machete wielding hatians near your campus? What about major Drug dealers? (ideally cocaine) Does your football team do things depicted in the film above? If the answer is no, then your school is not worthy.
Ok on to the new examples of how not to make a fan rap video.
Anthems
I would put this in what I like to call the "anthem class." It's something that "Notti boy" hopes will be played by all Hawkeye fans and maybe even in Kinnick Stadium before home games. I'll give him credit for the actual performance, and the unintentional comedy. Yet I know Notti Boy truly trying to make Iowa look hardcore, and in the end that loses points in my book. That and rapping on an overpass. Don't do that. Oh and don't look constipated when you make it rain.
Here we have another anthem from tOSU. A lot of things wrong here. I believe the guy is a huge Buckeye fan, and he truly does like the marching band. However, the lyrics/beat are all off.
That just won't cut it. I also have issues with the red Pontiac, as well as the one shot where another cameraman is in the picture. I would also avoid boom boxes.
The Tucker Max/Asher Roth Phenomenon
This comes from probably our worst offender of fan rap videos, The University of Missouri. Or as the cool kids call it, "The Zou." I know tons of kids who attended Mizzou and I swear they aren't all assholes, go ahead and youtube "Mizzou rap" and you'll see more fine examples. It's not their fault though, it's just that Missouri as a state has an inferiority complex (surrounded by 8 others)and they try to be really cool and hip, but sometimes they just try too hard.
Now here's the thing. And to be honest it's a theme in all of these videos. Generally speaking College is fun. And generally speaking there are awesome parties everywhere. Sure, you have your Bob Jones' who cant have TV in their rooms because TV is the Devil. But, we all have stories, we all did stupid things, and there are whore-slayers everywhere. We get it. College is awesome and so are you. Get over it and move on.
(Insert color) and (Insert color)
Update: HERP A DERP LATTIMER DOESN'T KNOW RAP. THE ORIGINAL SONG IS HERE. I still stand by my Canadian argument
Here we have "White and Purple" an anthem from Western Ontario. Here's a response from Guelph. In fact if you youtube that video there seems to be a lot of school song battles our there. I guess the game the same, just got more fierce. Now this video has a nice beat, decent lyrics, but it just won't work out. First, as a hinted to earlier, I understand you love your college and you want people to think its super cool. However, at the end of the day most colleges are super cool. You get to go to a place which is summer camp on steroids. There is little to no adult supervision, and you are surrounded by peers who also want to drink some beers and tell some lies. It's not unique, it's just a process.
Secondly, this is from Canada. Flavor and Canada don't mix. Plus, if you want to throw a football on video at least look like you've done it before. And REALLY, not everyone is good looking at your school.
However, I will give the mustangs credit. It's somewhat funny (flag guy) and the production value is well above other videos. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, and white and purple spawned other college rap songs. Which are literally the same thing.
I personally think this is busch league. I mean, that song is pretty stupid so it says a lot about your character and school to promote a blatant rip off. Plus it's a blatant violation of the various HONOR CODES put forth by prestigious colleges and universities.
Now, this may surprise you but I'm not in the rap game. I decided to ask GRH rap game correspondent, and close friend, Suge Knight about how his industry would react to someone ripping off a song.
Take it away Suge.
Suge Knight: THEY GET GOT
Thanks Suge!!!
/Hugs it out
//Fist bump
///Tells him we'll get the thing he was talking about done.
////Tells him it'll be clean, no loose strings.
Anyway here are the offending parties.
Here's Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks. I mean, I just.....Come on Tom, what the hell happened? At least change SOMETHING!!!
That came out a couple weeks ago, then we had to get another version from the fine people in Lawrence Kansas.
Ahh changing it to red and blue. Very subtle KU That's why KU students are so smart and full of themselves. They take an opus like white and purple and change the colors to match their own. Bravissimo.
/Spits
Really? Ripping a Canadian college rap is what passes for art these days? Say what you want about those shitty Mizzou raps, but at least they are original.
First, It's well documented that all the hot girls at KU come from Missouri, so I think "Those Kansas girls make you say oh my god" is somewhat deceiving.
Second, you don't "put it down on the court" because you aren't on the basketball team, and I just want the KU faithful to realize that lording the basketball team over everyone makes you seem like Duke Midwest.
Finally, I know that every Jayhawk will think that this is super cool and original, while denying that it was blatantly stolen from a Canadian University. Again, Canada. This is what happens when a giant smug cloud covers your campus. Plus rock chalk Jayhawk sounds like a cult ritual.
To summarize, I emplore all the kids out there to think before they rap. If you have to do it, make it funny. Is that too much to ask? Do that or just hire a rapper to do it.
Nobody cares about your school, or your parties, unless their cool. In which case totally tell me about it bro.
(Yes at some point we'll have a rap video from our Alma Matter, and yes I am anticipating the release of black and gold from Mizzou)
Making a fan rap video is kind of like that, only for the pure of heart.
It seems, however that my message is not getting through, so in the interest of the kids, I'll show you some good examples of fan rap videos and why others fail. Think of it about the safe sex education in schools. If you're going to get fucked, use a condom.
First let me start off by showing what I think is the standard for fan/college inspired videos.
Again, when we look at this video we see humor, random scenes (the key dropping) and some pretty funny lines.
(What we got?)
Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet
Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat
We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite
Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat
And again, it pokes fun at the school while still showing its endearing qualities. Good job Eastern Kentucky.
Here's a fan favorite from BYU. As you can see here these girls are being brutally honest about the situation In Provo. They aren't trying to be hardcore, or explain how cool it is, just singing a catchy tune. That and the machete wielding roller blade girl, she gets me every time.
Finally we have the pinnacle of fan rap videos. As you can tell the key feature in this video is that it's performed by Uncle Luke. An actual rapper. With actual talent. "But Lattimer, what if a rapper won't make a song about my school? What then?" I understand your concern and my advice to you is to make your school rap worthy. How? Ask yourself, do you have machete wielding hatians near your campus? What about major Drug dealers? (ideally cocaine) Does your football team do things depicted in the film above? If the answer is no, then your school is not worthy.
Ok on to the new examples of how not to make a fan rap video.
Anthems
I would put this in what I like to call the "anthem class." It's something that "Notti boy" hopes will be played by all Hawkeye fans and maybe even in Kinnick Stadium before home games. I'll give him credit for the actual performance, and the unintentional comedy. Yet I know Notti Boy truly trying to make Iowa look hardcore, and in the end that loses points in my book. That and rapping on an overpass. Don't do that. Oh and don't look constipated when you make it rain.
Here we have another anthem from tOSU. A lot of things wrong here. I believe the guy is a huge Buckeye fan, and he truly does like the marching band. However, the lyrics/beat are all off.
A long time ago back in the day a school was needed to pave the way to show the rest what it means to be great...1870 Ohio State
That just won't cut it. I also have issues with the red Pontiac, as well as the one shot where another cameraman is in the picture. I would also avoid boom boxes.
The Tucker Max/Asher Roth Phenomenon
This comes from probably our worst offender of fan rap videos, The University of Missouri. Or as the cool kids call it, "The Zou." I know tons of kids who attended Mizzou and I swear they aren't all assholes, go ahead and youtube "Mizzou rap" and you'll see more fine examples. It's not their fault though, it's just that Missouri as a state has an inferiority complex (surrounded by 8 others)and they try to be really cool and hip, but sometimes they just try too hard.
Now here's the thing. And to be honest it's a theme in all of these videos. Generally speaking College is fun. And generally speaking there are awesome parties everywhere. Sure, you have your Bob Jones' who cant have TV in their rooms because TV is the Devil. But, we all have stories, we all did stupid things, and there are whore-slayers everywhere. We get it. College is awesome and so are you. Get over it and move on.
(Insert color) and (Insert color)
Update: HERP A DERP LATTIMER DOESN'T KNOW RAP. THE ORIGINAL SONG IS HERE. I still stand by my Canadian argument
Here we have "White and Purple" an anthem from Western Ontario. Here's a response from Guelph. In fact if you youtube that video there seems to be a lot of school song battles our there. I guess the game the same, just got more fierce. Now this video has a nice beat, decent lyrics, but it just won't work out. First, as a hinted to earlier, I understand you love your college and you want people to think its super cool. However, at the end of the day most colleges are super cool. You get to go to a place which is summer camp on steroids. There is little to no adult supervision, and you are surrounded by peers who also want to drink some beers and tell some lies. It's not unique, it's just a process.
Secondly, this is from Canada. Flavor and Canada don't mix. Plus, if you want to throw a football on video at least look like you've done it before. And REALLY, not everyone is good looking at your school.
However, I will give the mustangs credit. It's somewhat funny (flag guy) and the production value is well above other videos. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, and white and purple spawned other college rap songs. Which are literally the same thing.
I personally think this is busch league. I mean, that song is pretty stupid so it says a lot about your character and school to promote a blatant rip off. Plus it's a blatant violation of the various HONOR CODES put forth by prestigious colleges and universities.
Now, this may surprise you but I'm not in the rap game. I decided to ask GRH rap game correspondent, and close friend, Suge Knight about how his industry would react to someone ripping off a song.
Take it away Suge.
Suge Knight: THEY GET GOT
Thanks Suge!!!
/Hugs it out
//Fist bump
///Tells him we'll get the thing he was talking about done.
////Tells him it'll be clean, no loose strings.
Anyway here are the offending parties.
Here's Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks. I mean, I just.....Come on Tom, what the hell happened? At least change SOMETHING!!!
That came out a couple weeks ago, then we had to get another version from the fine people in Lawrence Kansas.
Ahh changing it to red and blue. Very subtle KU That's why KU students are so smart and full of themselves. They take an opus like white and purple and change the colors to match their own. Bravissimo.
/Spits
Really? Ripping a Canadian college rap is what passes for art these days? Say what you want about those shitty Mizzou raps, but at least they are original.
First, It's well documented that all the hot girls at KU come from Missouri, so I think "Those Kansas girls make you say oh my god" is somewhat deceiving.
Second, you don't "put it down on the court" because you aren't on the basketball team, and I just want the KU faithful to realize that lording the basketball team over everyone makes you seem like Duke Midwest.
Finally, I know that every Jayhawk will think that this is super cool and original, while denying that it was blatantly stolen from a Canadian University. Again, Canada. This is what happens when a giant smug cloud covers your campus. Plus rock chalk Jayhawk sounds like a cult ritual.
To summarize, I emplore all the kids out there to think before they rap. If you have to do it, make it funny. Is that too much to ask? Do that or just hire a rapper to do it.
Nobody cares about your school, or your parties, unless their cool. In which case totally tell me about it bro.
(Yes at some point we'll have a rap video from our Alma Matter, and yes I am anticipating the release of black and gold from Mizzou)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!
Last night was the series finale of Lost, or as I like to call it "Gilligans Island on Acid."
I didn't watch it because I could care less about smoke monsters, however it does bring up a nice little shit storm.
What is the best series finale of all time?
Now, for our writers/readers who continually disregard the prompts presented in the shit storm I do want to emphasize that this is best FINALE not the best TV show.
Understood?
As you probably surmised this storm is yet another excuse to talk about the greatest TV show of all time.
The Wire.
This is also an excellent opportunity (For myself and Icehouse) to flex our Wire elitism by showing how our show is better than your show.
Go ahead and challenge us. Everyone who had some sort of emotional experience during Lost, grew up with Friends, or thought Seinfeld is bigger than it actually is have NO FUCKING CLUE.
Let's examine The Wire series finale.
In the final montage we see that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Corner boys will still be slinging, cops drinking, politicians corrupting, newspapers dying, hoppers.....hopping, addicts shooting, and honest people will still climb the uphill battle of doing right in this world.
While the 5th season wasn't the best it did accomplish a lofty goal. The ever cynical Simon did manage to tie up some emotional connection we've had over the years while giving enough information to predict/debate what would come of our favorite characters in the future.
That and Cheese died.
Ok so let's hear it. Best series finale.
It's all in the game.
I didn't watch it because I could care less about smoke monsters, however it does bring up a nice little shit storm.
What is the best series finale of all time?
Now, for our writers/readers who continually disregard the prompts presented in the shit storm I do want to emphasize that this is best FINALE not the best TV show.
Understood?
As you probably surmised this storm is yet another excuse to talk about the greatest TV show of all time.
The Wire.
This is also an excellent opportunity (For myself and Icehouse) to flex our Wire elitism by showing how our show is better than your show.
Go ahead and challenge us. Everyone who had some sort of emotional experience during Lost, grew up with Friends, or thought Seinfeld is bigger than it actually is have NO FUCKING CLUE.
Let's examine The Wire series finale.
In the final montage we see that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Corner boys will still be slinging, cops drinking, politicians corrupting, newspapers dying, hoppers.....hopping, addicts shooting, and honest people will still climb the uphill battle of doing right in this world.
While the 5th season wasn't the best it did accomplish a lofty goal. The ever cynical Simon did manage to tie up some emotional connection we've had over the years while giving enough information to predict/debate what would come of our favorite characters in the future.
That and Cheese died.
Ok so let's hear it. Best series finale.
It's all in the game.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
CFB Notes
Alright, we are T-minus 6 hours until the return of real, live, meaningful football. But first let's address some issues.
Michigan- So the free press comes out claiming that Michigan is going over the allotted amount of time for NCAA workouts. Well color me surprised. You're telling me playing football at an extremely high level involves a significant amount of time commitment? Here's the first thing, we really need to examine the terms mandatory and voluntary. From personal experience on a Sunday (for example) after a game once you combine the training room, workouts, film, training table, and more film, I could see how these "mandatory" hours pile up. As they say, these things are not mandatory, but neither is playing time. Which brings me to my rage filled point. You're a division I football player at one of the most storied programs in American football. Meaning, you have your education paid for IN FULL, and you are typically afforded conveniences not seen by the general student population. So spare me the pity party. If you don't like it, quit. Truth be told I think this goes on at any major CFB program.
Ok, now on to the fun part
Several sleeper teams, I'll keep it brief.
Georgia Tech- 10 returners on offense and 8 on the Defense, plus they still have Dwyer and Nesbit. The other thing you have to realize that PJ had about 40% of his offense installed. Again, I encourage you to look at what he was doing at Georgia Southern. (here is O-line coach Mike Sewak's version) Long story short, a better grasp of the offense plus the cluster F known as the ACC, and it's easy to see GT challenging for a conference title. Did I mention the flexbone?
LSU- I honestly don't know what to think about the Bayou Bengals. On one hand they are a sleeper, on the other they are overrated. I still think they are a year or two away from being MNC contenders Seven returners on offense, and the defense is going to be nasty, Cajun nasty. In the end I think F-ing some shit up for other SEC teams mainly because they are a premiere program in the country. (Miles is...dare I say...underrated). Perhaps that Oct. 10th game against the Florida Tebows in Baton Rouge is more than we think? The QB situation is the thing holding them back, but who knows if that Shepard kid steps up and fulfills the hype. Either way they have a center named T-bob, and a Tackle with the last name of Barksdale. These are things not to be overlooked.
Arkansas- Just a gut feeling, they have a lot of guys coming back. I think Mallet is one of the better, QB's in the country, (BEST pro prospect) and although he's a dickhead, Petrino is a good coach. They won't win anything of significance because their SEC schedule is criminal, but it will be interesting to see how they play.
Rutgers-Schedule
ND-Schedule. But to be fair, ND has had a rough go in terms of schedules in past years.
Mid majors- BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall recently claimed "BYU would be competitive week in and week out in the Pac-10 Big 10 (11)" Agreed Bronco, but you know who else is competitive? Purdue, Cal, Iowa, and Arizona State. We have Boise, BYU, TCU....and ok fine, Southern Miss as threats to become BCS busters this year. The only problem is that being competitive isn't enough, there is a reason those conferences have auto bids. Now, I was on the Boise bandwagon before anyone else, the mid majors have done extremely well in BCS games, but I wonder if they end up in BCS bowls if they had to play a major conference schedule? I don't know. I mean if Boise wins tonight they have a straight shot to going undefeated this year, but again when the fighting highlighters is your premiere game something is wrong. Basically this is a roundabout way of saying I hate the BCS.
SEC- On Saturday the SEC will defend it's crown of resident CFB ass-kickers. I called them out, and it's time for me to pay the fiddler. I'm pretty sure Bama and UGA will win both games, and we'll all get to hear about it. Maybe, UGA is overrated and maybe VT completes a pass, but I just have a bad feeling. My main point in this is that think for a second if we had a playoff system and conference schedules took precedence. We might see more traditional match ups of conferences. Big 12 south vs. SEC west? ACC Vs. SEC? Big 12 North vs. Big 10 (11)Pac-10 USC Vs. whoever. THAT would be a mindblowing opening weekend. Too bad it will never happen.
The "spread"- Once you get over how you actually define spread (ranging from Florida's single wing flavor, Michigan/Oregon's option sauce, Texas Tech's modern West Coast deal, and the last bastion of the run n' shoot SMU) it's an interesting dynamic to look at. trotting out 4wr's used to be reserved for the likes of Kentucky, Purdue, and Texas Tech in order to compensate for personnel deficiencies. Now everyone runs some form of it, hell even tOSU is blaspheming in the house of Woody. It seems that the spread has moved from a talent equalizer to a talent maximizer.
Football history tells us that DC's will figure it out and the offenses will evolve again. The only question is where it will head. Some argue that the game will become more spread. I tend to disagree. Football is the ultimate chess match more than any other game, well except for chess. The one thing about football is that while there is room for a great amount of creativity, one is handcuffed by certain limitations. Teams can only have a certain amount of eligible receivers (6) vertical threats (5, leaving you with one runner) certain ways to receive a snap (physics) and men on the LOS (7). At some point the laws and doctrines of defensive fronts and coverages become apparent and the defense will simply stop spreading with you, at this point the defense WILL have a numbers advantage at the point of the snap, and the offense better have a war daddy back there in order to make things go.
In order to see these trends we all need to disregard the USC's tOSU's and ND's of the world. No we have to look at teams who are perennial bottom dwellers and need to compensate for a lack of recruiting. My prediction is that at some point some coach will see those 6 DB type players trotting on the field and raise them the old buck/belly series. (although it will most likely be the cooler, sexier Jet/fly series...look at what Oregon State and Wake Forest are doing) Watch out if PJ has some success at GT, the veer may make a huge comeback. (hoping for the split back variety) We have to deal with this on a weekly basis in high school, but at some point some OC is going to look at all these bastardized fronts/coverages and figure out how to smoke them. Point is I don't know, and neither does anyone else. That's the great thing about football (ON TONIGHT!!!) We can have a beer...ok several....fine, like six....ok starting at 10 am.. and enjoy everything that is good in life.
/single tear
Michigan- So the free press comes out claiming that Michigan is going over the allotted amount of time for NCAA workouts. Well color me surprised. You're telling me playing football at an extremely high level involves a significant amount of time commitment? Here's the first thing, we really need to examine the terms mandatory and voluntary. From personal experience on a Sunday (for example) after a game once you combine the training room, workouts, film, training table, and more film, I could see how these "mandatory" hours pile up. As they say, these things are not mandatory, but neither is playing time. Which brings me to my rage filled point. You're a division I football player at one of the most storied programs in American football. Meaning, you have your education paid for IN FULL, and you are typically afforded conveniences not seen by the general student population. So spare me the pity party. If you don't like it, quit. Truth be told I think this goes on at any major CFB program.
Ok, now on to the fun part
Several sleeper teams, I'll keep it brief.
Georgia Tech- 10 returners on offense and 8 on the Defense, plus they still have Dwyer and Nesbit. The other thing you have to realize that PJ had about 40% of his offense installed. Again, I encourage you to look at what he was doing at Georgia Southern. (here is O-line coach Mike Sewak's version) Long story short, a better grasp of the offense plus the cluster F known as the ACC, and it's easy to see GT challenging for a conference title. Did I mention the flexbone?
LSU- I honestly don't know what to think about the Bayou Bengals. On one hand they are a sleeper, on the other they are overrated. I still think they are a year or two away from being MNC contenders Seven returners on offense, and the defense is going to be nasty, Cajun nasty. In the end I think F-ing some shit up for other SEC teams mainly because they are a premiere program in the country. (Miles is...dare I say...underrated). Perhaps that Oct. 10th game against the Florida Tebows in Baton Rouge is more than we think? The QB situation is the thing holding them back, but who knows if that Shepard kid steps up and fulfills the hype. Either way they have a center named T-bob, and a Tackle with the last name of Barksdale. These are things not to be overlooked.
Arkansas- Just a gut feeling, they have a lot of guys coming back. I think Mallet is one of the better, QB's in the country, (BEST pro prospect) and although he's a dickhead, Petrino is a good coach. They won't win anything of significance because their SEC schedule is criminal, but it will be interesting to see how they play.
Rutgers-Schedule
ND-Schedule. But to be fair, ND has had a rough go in terms of schedules in past years.
Mid majors- BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall recently claimed "BYU would be competitive week in and week out in the Pac-10 Big 10 (11)" Agreed Bronco, but you know who else is competitive? Purdue, Cal, Iowa, and Arizona State. We have Boise, BYU, TCU....and ok fine, Southern Miss as threats to become BCS busters this year. The only problem is that being competitive isn't enough, there is a reason those conferences have auto bids. Now, I was on the Boise bandwagon before anyone else, the mid majors have done extremely well in BCS games, but I wonder if they end up in BCS bowls if they had to play a major conference schedule? I don't know. I mean if Boise wins tonight they have a straight shot to going undefeated this year, but again when the fighting highlighters is your premiere game something is wrong. Basically this is a roundabout way of saying I hate the BCS.
SEC- On Saturday the SEC will defend it's crown of resident CFB ass-kickers. I called them out, and it's time for me to pay the fiddler. I'm pretty sure Bama and UGA will win both games, and we'll all get to hear about it. Maybe, UGA is overrated and maybe VT completes a pass, but I just have a bad feeling. My main point in this is that think for a second if we had a playoff system and conference schedules took precedence. We might see more traditional match ups of conferences. Big 12 south vs. SEC west? ACC Vs. SEC? Big 12 North vs. Big 10 (11)
The "spread"- Once you get over how you actually define spread (ranging from Florida's single wing flavor, Michigan/Oregon's option sauce, Texas Tech's modern West Coast deal, and the last bastion of the run n' shoot SMU) it's an interesting dynamic to look at. trotting out 4wr's used to be reserved for the likes of Kentucky, Purdue, and Texas Tech in order to compensate for personnel deficiencies. Now everyone runs some form of it, hell even tOSU is blaspheming in the house of Woody. It seems that the spread has moved from a talent equalizer to a talent maximizer.
Football history tells us that DC's will figure it out and the offenses will evolve again. The only question is where it will head. Some argue that the game will become more spread. I tend to disagree. Football is the ultimate chess match more than any other game, well except for chess. The one thing about football is that while there is room for a great amount of creativity, one is handcuffed by certain limitations. Teams can only have a certain amount of eligible receivers (6) vertical threats (5, leaving you with one runner) certain ways to receive a snap (physics) and men on the LOS (7). At some point the laws and doctrines of defensive fronts and coverages become apparent and the defense will simply stop spreading with you, at this point the defense WILL have a numbers advantage at the point of the snap, and the offense better have a war daddy back there in order to make things go.
In order to see these trends we all need to disregard the USC's tOSU's and ND's of the world. No we have to look at teams who are perennial bottom dwellers and need to compensate for a lack of recruiting. My prediction is that at some point some coach will see those 6 DB type players trotting on the field and raise them the old buck/belly series. (although it will most likely be the cooler, sexier Jet/fly series...look at what Oregon State and Wake Forest are doing) Watch out if PJ has some success at GT, the veer may make a huge comeback. (hoping for the split back variety) We have to deal with this on a weekly basis in high school, but at some point some OC is going to look at all these bastardized fronts/coverages and figure out how to smoke them. Point is I don't know, and neither does anyone else. That's the great thing about football (ON TONIGHT!!!) We can have a beer...ok several....fine, like six....ok starting at 10 am.. and enjoy everything that is good in life.
/single tear
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday Morning S--t Storm
Shit.
We had a fantasy draft this week, played some golf, and football is right around the corner. Nothing could get me down right now. Right?
Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.
We all know this blows.
I apologize for that.
I also spoke on it earlier.
I had come to terms with this and concluded that much like Musberger it was just one of those things I had to put up with in order to enjoy college football.
But now ESPN has found a way to turn one of even the most dedicated of fan into a giant ball of hate.
Now instead of getting flim flam in our zim zam we have to listen to Kenny Chesney.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Kenny Chesney? That asshat? THAT is the guy who screams college football? Shit, what's wrong with the simple jingle from CBS that announces the coming of awesome?
It's Iconic, and I'm fairly sure it's been around since I have been breathing.
Before ABC merged with the devils from ESPN/Disney we had this theme
Whenever I heard it I was all ZOMFG!!! BIG GAME BIG GAME!!!!
But no, we get ESPN's 20th lame attempt to recreate "Are you ready for some football." I bet some lame ass marketing dickhead looked at Kenny Chesney concert ticket sales, assumed CFB fans were all rednecks, put 2 and 2 together and we get this shit.
And some of you might be saying "ohhhhh Lattimer chill out, just mute the TV" Well if I know ESPN, and I do, this is going to be on 50 billion times every Saturday. And what the hell, I shouldn't have to mute a TV in order to enjoy a football game. It may be surprising, but I actually get up and do shit so the remote isn't always readily available.
The worst part is that I'll still watch, I can't turn away, I got that pandemic inside of me. Now I know what a meth head feels like. Minus the Notable weight loss Insomnia Formication (A false crawling sensation on the skin) Bruxism (jaw-grinding) Trismus (jaw-clenching) Tweaking (intense preoccupation with repetitive tasks) Increased sex drive Poor hygiene (in particular dental hygiene)
Well actually now that I think about it....
We had a fantasy draft this week, played some golf, and football is right around the corner. Nothing could get me down right now. Right?
Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.
We all know this blows.
I apologize for that.
I also spoke on it earlier.
Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.
However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.
I had come to terms with this and concluded that much like Musberger it was just one of those things I had to put up with in order to enjoy college football.
But now ESPN has found a way to turn one of even the most dedicated of fan into a giant ball of hate.
Now instead of getting flim flam in our zim zam we have to listen to Kenny Chesney.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Kenny Chesney? That asshat? THAT is the guy who screams college football? Shit, what's wrong with the simple jingle from CBS that announces the coming of awesome?
It's Iconic, and I'm fairly sure it's been around since I have been breathing.
Before ABC merged with the devils from ESPN/Disney we had this theme
Whenever I heard it I was all ZOMFG!!! BIG GAME BIG GAME!!!!
But no, we get ESPN's 20th lame attempt to recreate "Are you ready for some football." I bet some lame ass marketing dickhead looked at Kenny Chesney concert ticket sales, assumed CFB fans were all rednecks, put 2 and 2 together and we get this shit.
And some of you might be saying "ohhhhh Lattimer chill out, just mute the TV" Well if I know ESPN, and I do, this is going to be on 50 billion times every Saturday. And what the hell, I shouldn't have to mute a TV in order to enjoy a football game. It may be surprising, but I actually get up and do shit so the remote isn't always readily available.
The worst part is that I'll still watch, I can't turn away, I got that pandemic inside of me. Now I know what a meth head feels like. Minus the Notable weight loss Insomnia Formication (A false crawling sensation on the skin) Bruxism (jaw-grinding) Trismus (jaw-clenching) Tweaking (intense preoccupation with repetitive tasks) Increased sex drive Poor hygiene (in particular dental hygiene)
Well actually now that I think about it....
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
All-Star Break
Well it's that time of year in the MLB season. Yes the time where some veterans show up and go through the motions, and others soak in every second because it may be the only time they will be introduced as an All Star. Personally I think the MLB version is the best out of them all. It's probably a combination of the fact that it's in the middle of the season, you have a home run derby, and July may be the slowest month in American sports.
Last night was the home run derby, which is still one of my favorite novelties and pro sports. It was also special to me because it was in the STL and it's always fun to watch taters in a stadium you've sat in. Prince Fielder ended up winning in the end, showing surprisingly great stamina for a guy who is a vegetarian. Fielder didn't put up an insane number like Hamilton or Abreu, but his total of 23 will go overlooked.
Chris Berman has pushed me to the breaking point. When I was younger he was only slightly annoying with his back back back schtick, and his name/nickname/name deal was never funny and it never will be. Later he was just too over the top. "That ball is on it's way to Latrobe!!!" Way to look at google maps jackass. But last night it was all about Boomer. I don't know what happened, at least when he was over the top the coverage actually focused on the derby. Last night it was just sick. Nelson Cruz hit some effing shots in the first round. One of which landed above Big Mac land, and personally it was the longest I've seen in that stadium. But while Cruz is on a tear, Berman is just bumbling on. It was the first time I actually muted an event and put on my headphones.
As a Cardinals fan El Hombre is awesome even when he loses. In fact he was perfect. He didn't hurt himself, or change his swing and he lasted long enough to keep the fans happy. Well done Albert.
Before I get on the rambling I'll talk very briefly about the actual game tonight. I still don't understand why MLB needs to "make these count." I could go on about how stupid it is to let an all star game decide home field advantage, but Hobbers are smarter than that. I actually think since the game matters it takes away from the entertainment. Imagine this. First inning, and Ichiro gets on base. Yadi, the best defensive catcher in the league is behind the plate. Jeter is up to bat with no outs. Normally you don't steal in this situation, but Ichiro decides he's going to go for it. Badass. Yes? it would only be better if Crawford led off, but you get my point. I think watching Lincecum pitch to Mauer in the first is good enough for me. I really don't need things to "matter."
Now on to a typical Lattimer rant. Icehouse made an interesting observation last night. We have a home run derby in STL and we only get two mentions of McGwire. Naturally this has to do with steroids, and more recently the righteous indignation of certain ass hats that think they are the moral compass for all fans. Hey Plaschke I think more people can't stand you over Manny because you are trying to tell them how the hell they should act. People don't want to hear it, but steroids saved baseball. Oh yes I cheered during the race of 98 and guys like Plaschke soaked it all in. And you know what? I loved it. I loved Mark and Sammy, and I still do because as a fan that summer may be one of the best. I still remember everyone having a 62 markdown calender in their house and calling to notify that Sammy was coming up to bat. Sure we want everyone to be the best. We cheer them when knock balls out of the park, and we curse TV's when they hit into a double play. So what now when they take something to hit it out of the park? Boo? What about all the "greats" who popped greenies all these years. Should I start hating every player from the 1950's on? And better yet, who exactly did these drugs hurt? As opposed to Stallworth's car?
I'll ask some questions. Who has ever used something to enhance their performance? Who has used some ADD drug to nail that research paper? Who intentionally held in football? Fake a foul in basketball? Would you take a drug to make you one of the best in your industry, especially if it meant millions of dollars? And just for you Plaschke. Tweek that quote just a bit to make that Sunday column really hit home?
I don't know the answers, and I really don't care. Not my business. All I'm saying is that in American sports we ask literally everyone who participates to be the best they can be. To win. Yet we're supposed to hate them when they don't do it the right way?
Trust me, I see all sides of this. I get the "play by the rules", I get the "what about the kids" and I really get the "what about the guy who played by the rules." However, I don't get some guy telling me, the fan, the guy who shells out hundreds of dollars each year to watch/support my team, telling me how to act. Guess what. When Mike Vick comes back I'm going to cheer my ass off, I like Mike, and that's my right. MLB, get over yourself, celebrate the past right or wrong.
Last night was the home run derby, which is still one of my favorite novelties and pro sports. It was also special to me because it was in the STL and it's always fun to watch taters in a stadium you've sat in. Prince Fielder ended up winning in the end, showing surprisingly great stamina for a guy who is a vegetarian. Fielder didn't put up an insane number like Hamilton or Abreu, but his total of 23 will go overlooked.
Chris Berman has pushed me to the breaking point. When I was younger he was only slightly annoying with his back back back schtick, and his name/nickname/name deal was never funny and it never will be. Later he was just too over the top. "That ball is on it's way to Latrobe!!!" Way to look at google maps jackass. But last night it was all about Boomer. I don't know what happened, at least when he was over the top the coverage actually focused on the derby. Last night it was just sick. Nelson Cruz hit some effing shots in the first round. One of which landed above Big Mac land, and personally it was the longest I've seen in that stadium. But while Cruz is on a tear, Berman is just bumbling on. It was the first time I actually muted an event and put on my headphones.As a Cardinals fan El Hombre is awesome even when he loses. In fact he was perfect. He didn't hurt himself, or change his swing and he lasted long enough to keep the fans happy. Well done Albert.
Before I get on the rambling I'll talk very briefly about the actual game tonight. I still don't understand why MLB needs to "make these count." I could go on about how stupid it is to let an all star game decide home field advantage, but Hobbers are smarter than that. I actually think since the game matters it takes away from the entertainment. Imagine this. First inning, and Ichiro gets on base. Yadi, the best defensive catcher in the league is behind the plate. Jeter is up to bat with no outs. Normally you don't steal in this situation, but Ichiro decides he's going to go for it. Badass. Yes? it would only be better if Crawford led off, but you get my point. I think watching Lincecum pitch to Mauer in the first is good enough for me. I really don't need things to "matter."Now on to a typical Lattimer rant. Icehouse made an interesting observation last night. We have a home run derby in STL and we only get two mentions of McGwire. Naturally this has to do with steroids, and more recently the righteous indignation of certain ass hats that think they are the moral compass for all fans. Hey Plaschke I think more people can't stand you over Manny because you are trying to tell them how the hell they should act. People don't want to hear it, but steroids saved baseball. Oh yes I cheered during the race of 98 and guys like Plaschke soaked it all in. And you know what? I loved it. I loved Mark and Sammy, and I still do because as a fan that summer may be one of the best. I still remember everyone having a 62 markdown calender in their house and calling to notify that Sammy was coming up to bat. Sure we want everyone to be the best. We cheer them when knock balls out of the park, and we curse TV's when they hit into a double play. So what now when they take something to hit it out of the park? Boo? What about all the "greats" who popped greenies all these years. Should I start hating every player from the 1950's on? And better yet, who exactly did these drugs hurt? As opposed to Stallworth's car?
I'll ask some questions. Who has ever used something to enhance their performance? Who has used some ADD drug to nail that research paper? Who intentionally held in football? Fake a foul in basketball? Would you take a drug to make you one of the best in your industry, especially if it meant millions of dollars? And just for you Plaschke. Tweek that quote just a bit to make that Sunday column really hit home?
I don't know the answers, and I really don't care. Not my business. All I'm saying is that in American sports we ask literally everyone who participates to be the best they can be. To win. Yet we're supposed to hate them when they don't do it the right way?
Trust me, I see all sides of this. I get the "play by the rules", I get the "what about the kids" and I really get the "what about the guy who played by the rules." However, I don't get some guy telling me, the fan, the guy who shells out hundreds of dollars each year to watch/support my team, telling me how to act. Guess what. When Mike Vick comes back I'm going to cheer my ass off, I like Mike, and that's my right. MLB, get over yourself, celebrate the past right or wrong.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Joey Crawford Hates America.
He kicked your dog yesterday. He spat in the face of the brunette from the Blackberry Storm commercials. He always bet against Mike Vick’s dog. He smokes Newports. He anally raped Marcin Gortat. He’s the one that calls the cops if your music is too loud after 9 pm. His favorite movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He’s Superman’s nemesis. The designated hitter was his idea. He killed Eddie Griffin. That smell? Joey Crawford. His favorite show is Around the Horn. He pisses on the seat. He produced Common’s Universal Mind Control. He shot Tupac. He cancelled Arrested Development. He shot Carl Landry. If it were up to Joey Crawford, the alley-oop would be outlawed. He curses the sun, and shoots songbirds with his bb gun. Anti-alcohol laws are called “blue laws” in the United States and pro-rape laws are called “Joey Crawford laws” in fundamentalist Islamic countries. Joey Crawford hates the Inside the NBA team.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!
Not an athlete nor drunk, but whatever.
Could be drunk.
Anyways, this was the longest week in the world, and now I'm rewarded with a weekend full of bullshit rain. Thank God all I have to do is stay inside and do nothing but watch hoops. That'll be sweet.
Ever wonder how Chris Bosh got ready for the Olympics? Wonder no more.
Wire Elitism. To the max.
I still find it impressive that Willis McGahee still gets paid to play sports.
This guy shows you how to paint, exercise, and blend drinks, all at the same time. Apparently, it's exactly how you imagine it.
And yes, it's getting warmer.
Ok. NBA playoffs. Let's do this.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
St. Patrick's day S--t Storm
AYE KISS DE BLARNEY STONE!!!
IT'S ST. PATTY'S DAY WHERE DE LUCK O' DE EYRUSH HAS COMPELLED US TO PRESENT A SPECIAL SHIT STORM FOR THIS FINE FINE TUESDAY MORN'
/TAKES 3 SHOTS O' JAMESON
FAR DE SHIT STORM PRESENT YAR FAVRITE EYERUSH ATOLETES.
/GETS IN FIGHT
MY SELECTION FAR DE COMPETITION: WHOEE'R THE HELL DES GUY ES.
TODAY EVERYONE ES EYRUSH, SO LITERALLY EVERY ATOLETE IS IN PLAY FAR DE FIELD.
/BEATS SOMEONE WITH A SHILLELAGH
ERIN GO BRAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!
IT'S ST. PATTY'S DAY WHERE DE LUCK O' DE EYRUSH HAS COMPELLED US TO PRESENT A SPECIAL SHIT STORM FOR THIS FINE FINE TUESDAY MORN'
/TAKES 3 SHOTS O' JAMESON
FAR DE SHIT STORM PRESENT YAR FAVRITE EYERUSH ATOLETES.
/GETS IN FIGHT
MY SELECTION FAR DE COMPETITION: WHOEE'R THE HELL DES GUY ES.
TODAY EVERYONE ES EYRUSH, SO LITERALLY EVERY ATOLETE IS IN PLAY FAR DE FIELD.
/BEATS SOMEONE WITH A SHILLELAGH
ERIN GO BRAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!
Monday, March 9, 2009
“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”
“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”
-Det. Jimmy McNulty
Well, now you’re a Bill. Great. I hope it works out for you. I really and truly do. I was personally holding out hope that the Titans would bring you back home, and add the one thing they’ve been missing. But you know, you gotta do right by you.
A lot of folks have been saying things like “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” That’s not me. I watched you on virtually every play. I saw what you did. I saw what you gave, and you earned your keep, as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m the only person that saw it. You see, people here in Dallas tend to read tabloids and the like. Because of this, most people remember 2007 like this.
Not me, Terrell. I actually watched the games. You blocked your ass off. Felix Jones probably owes half his touchdowns to you, and those were some sweet touchdowns. On the best days, you could finish someone off and beat whoever had the ball to the end zone. Those were the good days. Jason Witten owes half of his touchdowns to you, also. Most defenses were freaking out about how to stop you from doing anything.
Mostly, as a Cowboys fan, I’ll remember that you put an end to Drew Bledsoe’s reign of terror. You know what it’s like watching Drew Bledsoe play football? It’s like watching paint dry. Then age. Then crack. Then fall leafily to the ground. As a fan of the game, I’ll remember you the way you deserve to be remembered, as the best player on the field for my team.
Most people only see the “I love me some me” side of you. They even mock the sensitive, team player side of you.
That’s because people are haters, T.O. You just have to shake haters off.
But that’s neither here nor there.
I’m really looking forward to some good stuff coming from you being teamed up with Marshawn Lynch. Hopefully you hit it off with him. I don’t know why, but I think you guys might see eye to eye on some issues.
Have fun up there, man. If you need me to drive up there and whoop Trent Edward’s ass, just holla. I’ll do it. For you, Terrell. For you.
-Det. Jimmy McNulty
Well, now you’re a Bill. Great. I hope it works out for you. I really and truly do. I was personally holding out hope that the Titans would bring you back home, and add the one thing they’ve been missing. But you know, you gotta do right by you.
A lot of folks have been saying things like “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” That’s not me. I watched you on virtually every play. I saw what you did. I saw what you gave, and you earned your keep, as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m the only person that saw it. You see, people here in Dallas tend to read tabloids and the like. Because of this, most people remember 2007 like this.
Not me, Terrell. I actually watched the games. You blocked your ass off. Felix Jones probably owes half his touchdowns to you, and those were some sweet touchdowns. On the best days, you could finish someone off and beat whoever had the ball to the end zone. Those were the good days. Jason Witten owes half of his touchdowns to you, also. Most defenses were freaking out about how to stop you from doing anything.
Mostly, as a Cowboys fan, I’ll remember that you put an end to Drew Bledsoe’s reign of terror. You know what it’s like watching Drew Bledsoe play football? It’s like watching paint dry. Then age. Then crack. Then fall leafily to the ground. As a fan of the game, I’ll remember you the way you deserve to be remembered, as the best player on the field for my team.
Most people only see the “I love me some me” side of you. They even mock the sensitive, team player side of you.
That’s because people are haters, T.O. You just have to shake haters off.
But that’s neither here nor there.
I’m really looking forward to some good stuff coming from you being teamed up with Marshawn Lynch. Hopefully you hit it off with him. I don’t know why, but I think you guys might see eye to eye on some issues.
Have fun up there, man. If you need me to drive up there and whoop Trent Edward’s ass, just holla. I’ll do it. For you, Terrell. For you.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
We're men...Men in tights
Ahh yes the NFL combine, the only time you can view 20 something’s in tight spandex and not feel completely prop 8.
First thing about the Combine. It’s just a measuring stick. An insurance policy if you will. I always like to relate the combine to ACT/SAT scores, but Icehouse made a great point suggesting that the draft is essentially the college application process.
Let me explain. As a player you have a body of work. (High School…GPA) however, the pro teams still want to make sure you are legit. (ACT/SAT) That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Now some people get all extreme on me. Some say OHHHHH snap he just ran a 4.3 he’s lets draft his ass. Others claim that the combine is a total overhyped waste. When in reality it’s somewhere in the middle.
I’d also just like to point out that the combine is not all about crazy ass exercises. There are interviews, (examining various things) the infamous wonderlic, and other intangibles. Those other intangibles coaches look at are: how do players compete in a drill? How do they deal with the media? Did they prepare? (personally I think this is huge)
So going back to our little college analogy. Imagine you’re Harvard, you have a bunch of kids with high GPA’s, Some participated in many extra-curricular activities (intangibles) but at the end of the day you’ll still look at that SAT score to make sure what you read on that application (film) is legit.
Now that we got that out of the way let’s examine those standardized tests. (All 40’s laser timed…which means they’re legit)
“The SAT was easy”
Pat White- How can you not love White. The guy seems like just a happy go lucky QB, who happens to be a great athlete. The evolution of White began this season, proving that could throw the ball on a consistent basis. The next step occurred during the Senior Bowl where White showed incredible accuracy under center. (a major concern for shotgun QB’s) Finally, White proved he was an athlete running a 4.55 40, and a 35 inch vertical. During the receiver/QB drills he again showcased his touch. He doesn’t have that perfect Peyton release, but you know what, neither does Romo or Warner. However, the wise Dr. Saturday made an excellent point about White. He’s not really a lights out QB, and he’s not really a lights out receiver. He’s in Football purgatory. Regardless, I’m still rooting for him.
Connor Barwin- Who’s this guy? He’s a 6’4 256 lb defensive end from Cincinnati. This past season he recorded 11 sacks and 15.5 TFL’s. This was his first year playing the position. Prior to the season Barwin played TE, but was evidently moved to the dark side because of the Natti’s spread. So the production is there, but what about them skillz? 4.66 40, A vertical jump of 40.5, and was a top performer in several other agility drills. I became of fan of Barwin when I saw him play against Tech in the Orange bowl. One of the sports cliché’s that actually exists is a motor. Mario Williams has it, Julius Peppers has it, Chris Long has it, and so does Barwin. The greatest thing about this guy is that he’s essentially a poor man’s Chris Long. Where do you want to put him? DE? Fine. OLB in either a 3-4 or a 4-3 under front? Go for it. A third TE? He’s your guy.
Ian Johnson- Ahh yes America’s favorite running back/knitter combo. Johnson stood out in what was a lackluster RB weekend. Now to be sure, Johnson’s performance last weekend may have ensured that he actually got drafted in the first place.What? You think GRH is always big ballin. Ian Johnson said F-that noise while he was running his 4.46 40. He told you to check yourself when he ran a 4.18 pro agility run. Finally, during his 26 rep bench press he was whistling “ farmer in the dell.”
Is Ian Johnson going on the second day? Probably. Did he run a scheme at Boise that is similar to the Broncos, Colts, Falcons, and Packers, Yep. Is he really just a cooler, faster version of Mike Hart. I think so. But you know what screw it. I’m making Ian a friend of GRH. I hope he gets a nice paycheck to buy some stuff for that sweet ass wife of his.
Rhett Bomar- The prodigal son has returned. After leaving Boomer Sooner, Bomar took a giant shit on 1-AA competition while playing at Sam Houston State. Bomar has always had a good arm, and he impressed during his freshman year at OK, but still there isn’t a hell of a lot of film with him against elite competition. Now, not that these combine drills are all that important for QB’s but the one thing I look at is footwork. That is, the ability to sidestep a rusher and fire it. Bradford ran a 4.06 pro agility run which would make him the Best QB, RB, and WR. Does that translate to an NFL QB? Not really. But Bomar’s performance in the tests and throwing drills, really helped him last weekend. At the end of the day, Don’t fret for Rhett, because he always has a sweet fallback gig as a car salesman.
Brian Robiske (Honorable Mention)
“Oh I’m a terrible test taker”
Andre Smith- All tests= N/A. Yeah so Andre basically cost himself $25 mil by claiming “I’m not in shape.” And then goes AWOL on the combine. Great job, you may have dropped to the #4 tackle.
Running Backs- This year’s class wasn’t really great, but the Big three, Moreno, McCoy and Wells didn’t really impress. Don’t get me wrong these guys will be 1st/2nd round picks, and I think they will all be serviceable pro’s. However, they didn’t do anything to help/separate themselves in the combine.
“My dad’s on the board of Trustees so it’s no big deal”
Aaron Curry-My main man Mike Mayock calls Curry the safest pick in the draft, and I’d have to agree with him. Curry has everything you want in a Linebacker. Size, speed, and tackling. Curry at 6’2 254 running a 4.56 40 and busting out 25 reps on the bench has all the athletic tools. However, it’s the diversity of the guy that really gives scouts a boner. At Wake (A program I highly respect) Curry played the Sam in an under front. In other situations he was either playing the Mike or Will in the same scheme. Finally, sometimes they would set that under front to the field/bench and Curry would cover down Receivers in 11 and 10 personnel settings. I’d especially look at the 2X2 sets where curry was set to the field and acted in the same way as a nickel back. In short, Curry is the #1 linebacker and he didn’t disappoint. He can play every linebacker position in any scheme, and it really depends how teams will utilize him.
Brian Orakpo- If curry is the safest pick, Orakpo is a close second. Orakpo has the ability to play an end in a 4-3 or a OLB in a 3-4. He ran a 4.7 40 which would put him in the top ten linebacker times. I may be biased because he went to the same high school as my former roommates, however Orakpo can play, and will be a great addition to any team.
Jason Smith- By default Jason Smith became the #1 tackle during the combine. Smith (Andre) went AWOL and no one else really established themselves. Congrats, Jason. You may have earned yourself $25 mil by not sucking.
QB’s- Sanchez and Stafford did not disappoint during the combine. Meaning they didn’t F up. They both put up good numbers, and they'll both throw the ball well. That’s about it. It’s your move Detroit.
So there’s my take on the combine. Who knows what Crabtree will run at his pro-day, or if Andre Smith will develop a brain. All I know is that it’s an excuse to talk about football in February.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Monday Morning Sh*t Storm
Fuck, shit, cock, balls, taint, gooch, and finally the field dress.
You know how I know you're gay?
So hey, did you guys watch the Grammy's last night?
haha, I didn't even watch that shit, sorry Vitus Tinnitus, this was a total cock tease, this shit storm has nothing to do with music.
(Unless you connect A-Rod to Madonna)
Ok now time to get serious.
Last week was very positive if you get my drift. We had Phelps, Glenn, A-Rod. etc. so I think it's time to visit that age old question.
I was just thinking of leaving it at that, but I have to set some ground rules.
1. All the kids in America are not going to start smoking weed and get on that pandemic just because they saw a picture of Phelpsie sucking on a bong.
2. Steroids are a bigger issue than you probably think.
3. Let's not make this a drug legality issue.
So, The Shit Storm: Do athletes (especially in today's TMZ style media) have a responsibility to be strong role models, or is it ok to just say fuck it.
I know what I think, but this is a shit storm, so I need to hear from the Hobbers.
You know how I know you're gay?
So hey, did you guys watch the Grammy's last night?
haha, I didn't even watch that shit, sorry Vitus Tinnitus, this was a total cock tease, this shit storm has nothing to do with music.
(Unless you connect A-Rod to Madonna)
Ok now time to get serious.
Last week was very positive if you get my drift. We had Phelps, Glenn, A-Rod. etc. so I think it's time to visit that age old question.
I was just thinking of leaving it at that, but I have to set some ground rules.
1. All the kids in America are not going to start smoking weed and get on that pandemic just because they saw a picture of Phelpsie sucking on a bong.
2. Steroids are a bigger issue than you probably think.
3. Let's not make this a drug legality issue.
So, The Shit Storm: Do athletes (especially in today's TMZ style media) have a responsibility to be strong role models, or is it ok to just say fuck it.
I know what I think, but this is a shit storm, so I need to hear from the Hobbers.
Monday, February 2, 2009
T.W at the Super Bowl.
Many of the writers on this blog were friends with this one guy in college. His name is T.W Samuels. While we all had some great memories many of us have moved on with our Lives. T.W, however, likes the college lifestyle, and travels around the country crashing at various homes. Last night at 3:00 am I received a phone call from an unknown number. My phone was silent so a message was left. (apparently the result of an accidental dial) The following is a transcript of that message.
Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.
/Beep
/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)
Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.
Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.
Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.
T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!
Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.
T.W: Haha open wide!!!
/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.
Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.
T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.
Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.
T.W: Matt...how did you watch the telecast?
Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.
T.W: ...
Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?
T.W: Losing the game?
Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.
T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...
Matt: Another drink!!!
/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.
Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...
/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.
T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...
/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.
Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!
(In a soft insightful voice)
Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?
Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.
Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...
Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.
Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.
/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.
Matt: DAMN YOU TROY!!!!
/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.
T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.
/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.
T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!
Matt: Phelpsie!!!
Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths
T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!
Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.
T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.
Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.
Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.
T.W: So Michael wha....
Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.
T.W: Yeah lets get the...
Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.
T.W: Haha yeah lets...
Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.
/Random Steelers fan enters.
Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974
T.W: More like '05 but whatever.
Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.
Phelps: I got your sixth bra.
T.W: Guys?
Dudes?
Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.
I'm going to go blackout now.
Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....
/presses 7
Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.
/Beep
/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)
Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.
Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.
Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.
T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!
Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.
T.W: Haha open wide!!!
/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.
Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.
T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.
Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.
T.W: Matt...how did you watch the telecast?
Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.
T.W: ...
Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?
T.W: Losing the game?
Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.
T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...
Matt: Another drink!!!
/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.
Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...
/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.
T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...
/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.
Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!
(In a soft insightful voice)
Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?
Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.
Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...
Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.
Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.
/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.
Matt: DAMN YOU TROY!!!!
/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.
T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.
/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.
T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!
Matt: Phelpsie!!!
Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths
T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!
Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.
T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.
Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.
Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.
T.W: So Michael wha....
Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.
T.W: Yeah lets get the...
Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.
T.W: Haha yeah lets...
Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.
/Random Steelers fan enters.
Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974
T.W: More like '05 but whatever.
Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.
Phelps: I got your sixth bra.
T.W: Guys?
Dudes?
Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.
I'm going to go blackout now.
Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....
/presses 7
Thursday, January 29, 2009
If you thought Earl Clark didn't like flattops...
Andre Iguodala apparently hates Yao's flattop more.
For the past three summers, Andre Iguodala has been the leader of the USA Select Team. This job entails several things. One, being athletic. A huge part of being on USA Select is that you have to run. All the time. It is up to you to give something the Kobes and LeBrons need to keep up with. You are the goddamn rabbit on the dog track.
Being a leader and also a 2 on the Select team also means one big thing. You get to guard Kobe. Day in, day out. You on Kobe. It's the worst job in sports. Worse than Gus Triandos trying to catch Hoyt Wilhelm's knuckleball. Can you imagine how bad chasing Kobe Bryant around all day would be? And you don't get any calls? And when you finally get to be on offense you can only do fast breaks?
Fuck that shit.
What was Andre Iguodala's reward? Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Everybody else gets to go to Beijing and put on a spectacular show and get feted and adored by the entire world. And Iggy Pop gets a pat on the back, and sent back to Philadelphia.
So now. Half a world and half a year later, he sees this fucking Chinese flattop looking at him. Iguodala's response? Please see above. Air-to-hoop Iggy Pop.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Monday Morning Shit Storm
This has nothing to do with the Storm, I just thought it was funny.
Soooooo, After Sunday we won't see any football for a while.
Sure we have some NCAA/Pro basketball, The Premiership, and baseball is on the horizon, but they still don't provide me an entire weekend of laziness.
I'll watch that stuff but I won't devote my entire day to it. Furthermore, I really can't justify going to a sports bar Sunday evening and some beer/wings to watch Kobe and Bron. It's the Economy stupid.
For the shit storm provide the best weekend activity. This could be sports related or not. I'll also allow both lazy and "active" activities.
My first selection is on the short term:
(NSFW language)
Watching entire seasons of TV shows.
Waiting what happens next week is for suckers. I don't know why I didn't discover this earlier, just Netflix that shit and waste upwards of 12 hours in a two day span!!!
Sure I could go fishing, skiing, mountain biking, and solve the world's energy crisis, but it is balls ass cold here.
Going out and doing stuff? SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday Morning Shit Storm
GET OFF MY PLANE!!!
Lots going on this week, first off I just wanted to wish everyone a happy MLK day. We also have the inauguration tomorrow, which is always fun.
These things are important, however in today's age of divisive politics, a struggling economy, global poverty, and violence in the Middle East I think we here at GRH need to divert our attention...
And determine which politician is the best baller.
Today's shit storm will be the best athlete/politician combo.
Now, we have a couple ways to do this.
First we can choose legitimate athletes turned politicians. Such as Bill Bradley.
Pride of Crystal City MO, Princeton Grad, Rhodes Scholar, NBA Hall of Famer, Senator, Presidential candidate, all around American hero.
But reality gets boring.
So you can also bring something out of you ass.
Observe:
King Henry VIII, hailing from the house of Tudor. I feel he could be a legitimate two-gapper at nose guard.
So there we go, lets have some fun with this.
...Oh and as always here at GRH if you start a political flame war you'll end up just like Bodie.
(Assist from Icehouse)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday Morning Shit Storm
Did you see the pac-man thing?
I did, and I couldn't help but wonder, were athletes like this all the time? Does the increased money/exposure/entitlement from a young age create these incidents? Or do we hear about it more because of the modern media machine.
I conversed with our very own Icehouse about this same matter and initially I thought the modern day athlete was a bigger, faster, stronger form of dumbass.
But I was wrong. Lets go on a little trip through time.
If you haven't read this book basically...Mickey Mantle popped greenies and chased skirts. Naturally, Bouton got blackballed.
... I can't wait to read this, but basically. Michael Irvin tries to kill somebody with scissors, Nate Newton whipped out his junk...a lot. He also masturbated in a team meeting. Jerry Jones=Mile High Club. Switzer got his drink on.
I wanna be like Mike.
Pro's have been human for a long time.
Look we all do stupid things. Some of us more than others. Right now I want to say we just hear about it more often because of our TMZ society. On the flip side, most of us would not order a hit on someone because they looked at us the wrong way.
So what is it? Modern athletes get into more trouble? We see it more because of the media? Some other argument?
In my mind. "All in the game yo, all in the game."
I did, and I couldn't help but wonder, were athletes like this all the time? Does the increased money/exposure/entitlement from a young age create these incidents? Or do we hear about it more because of the modern media machine.
I conversed with our very own Icehouse about this same matter and initially I thought the modern day athlete was a bigger, faster, stronger form of dumbass.
But I was wrong. Lets go on a little trip through time.
If you haven't read this book basically...Mickey Mantle popped greenies and chased skirts. Naturally, Bouton got blackballed.
... I can't wait to read this, but basically. Michael Irvin tries to kill somebody with scissors, Nate Newton whipped out his junk...a lot. He also masturbated in a team meeting. Jerry Jones=Mile High Club. Switzer got his drink on.
I wanna be like Mike.
Pro's have been human for a long time.
Look we all do stupid things. Some of us more than others. Right now I want to say we just hear about it more often because of our TMZ society. On the flip side, most of us would not order a hit on someone because they looked at us the wrong way.
So what is it? Modern athletes get into more trouble? We see it more because of the media? Some other argument?
In my mind. "All in the game yo, all in the game."
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Saturday Morning Fun Bag!
Yeehaw. We know that Bode Miller likes booze. That is all.
And finally, to end our winter sports kick, here is the funniest ski accident that I could find.
There are new NBA commercials. They are still under the "Where Amazing Happens" slogan, but deviate from the old ones (which I really liked). Either way, here is the funniest one, featuring (you guessed it) LeBron James.
Speaking of LeBron commercials, have you seen the one where he dances while hyping State Farm Insurance? Weird. Moving on, I would like to point out that LeBron did NOT invent the whole throw-the-chalk-before-tip-off thing. Kevin Garnett did. Regardless, there is a commercial featuring LeBron doing this gig. The only reason I like this commercial is Lil' Wayne. And Weezy isn't too pleased that somebody got junk on his kicks.
More commercials, that's what you get today. This one comes from a Spike Lee-starring Jordan brand commercial. It gives the saga of Jordan, with Spike reading from a wacky doodle. Anyways, the reason I like this one so much is an appearance from Namond Brice. Booyah!
So I went to a New Year's party, like most people in my age bracket. The best part was that most of the people at this party resembled our good friend Corey Delaney. Which got me thinking, does anybody else want these glasses off?
Ok, tonight, I'm going to a Nuggets game in Denver. Vanilla Ice is performing at halftime. I'm gonna get mine in '09.
Monday, December 15, 2008
GRH Book Club: He Got Game
"Basketball is like poetry in motion, cross the guy to the left, take him back to the right, he's fallin' back, then just J right in his face. Then you look at him and say, 'What?'"
-Jesus Shuttlesworth
Anybody who has been around me for an extended period of time knows that this is my favorite movie of all time. While I could talk for hours about it, I'll try to break down for you, dear reader, as concisely as possible, a few reasons why this movie endears itself to me.
The movie starts with a montage of basketball being played all over America by everybody. Young, old, black, white, in urban playgrounds and Midwestern cornfields. Simply by stating that, one could make a convincing argument that basketball is the most American of sports. It's a simple enough concept, and all you need is a ball and a hoop. You can dribble and shoot by yourself, play one-on-one with a friend or stranger, anything.
The cast is phenomenal. Of course Denzel Washington is something of a living legend these days, and he brings his A game to this movie. Normally pro athletes aren't great actors, regardless of how often they try, but there are several in this movie that are extremely convincing of their roles. Obviously the main character, Jesus Shuttlesworth, is played by Ray Allen (who, at the time, was a heralded UConn product in his second year with the Milwaukee Bucks). His character is of the utmost complexity, and he pulls it off. The whole movie hinges on his doing this, as the central conflict in the movie is Jake (Denzel) reconnecting with his son, Jesus, trying to earn his forgiveness. The real difficulty is that along the way, Jesus must navigate his way through all of the pitfalls that come with living in poverty and being the best high school basketball player in the country.
The list doesn't end there. Travis Best is great as Sip Rogers, Jim Brown plays quite the menacing Parole Officer Spivey, and of course, Rick Fox plays the wackiest guy in the world as Chick Deagan. I would have partied with him every night if I went to Big State.
Not to mention dozens of cameos ranging from announcers, coaches, current and former players, guys that never made it, and Michael Jordan's three words: "He got game."
As far as sports being played in the movie, there is an assortment of the best hoops being played in a fictional movie. It's well-shot, well-edited, and performed by people that are professionals at doing it. No stunt doubles needed. My one gripe is, and always is, that Denzel has no game. I'm not sure why movies about basketball somehow always feature a central character with a broke-ass shot (see: Snipes, Wesley and Harrelson, Woody in White Men Can't Jump).
The soundtrack is mostly an original Public Enemy album. The title track, "He Got Game" is a fantastic song about life in general, set over a sample of Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth," and belongs in every iTunes library. That said, when the basketball is being played, the London Symphony Orchestra takes over, which works out magnificently. The pick-up game in a housing project playground is set to Aaron Copland's "Hoe-down" (of Beef, It's What's For Dinner fame). It might be the music, it might be the hoops being played, it might be John Wallace proclaiming, "I got hops! I got hops!" while raising the roof, but the scene is among my favorites of all time.
Finally, there's Jesus and Booger's ride in Big Time Willy's Mercedes convertible. Of course, it's one of the most memorable scenes, being three minutes of Spike Lee lunacy. It includes a couple of homicides, heroin injected, crack smoked, craps played, and hardcore pornography. BUT! In my most recent viewing, during Big Time's discussion on 'bloodsucking leeches,' I noticed a younger Jamie Hector (Marlo Stanfield in The Wire) with one line, asking for money so he can get some new Nikes and a Hilfiger sweater. My mind exploded. I guess I was always laughing so hard at the puertoriqueño sister saying, "I need some pampers for my baby. I need some Dolce and Gabanna for me. I need some Chanel (pronounced, 'Channel')."
Don't put this movie on your Netflix queue, don't rent it. Buy it. Today.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Aggregated Assault: The Avon Barksdale Award
The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 was a despicable display of angst and fury, although well-documented and masterfully scribed. Brent Musburger seems to be the clear winner, as more ink (well, pixels...) was spent on him than on anyone else. And while Dick Vitale made a strong comeback, from the comment section no less, the Jeff Albertson must go to the chief douche himself, Musburger. His prize will be a swift kick to the gooch from Icehouse's boot.
You've gotta wonder how he'll feel about that.
The Ghost is a big ole gravy train with biscuit-capped wheels, and we'll keep on keepin' on. The Avon Barksdale Award for Management goes annually to the best coach, manager, or even agent for the year. Avon embodied all the great things of leadership. He was loyal to his family, but also expected loyalty. He gave back to the community when he had the opportunity. He put careful thought into when, and how, to snatch a life. He had a good sense of humor, he enjoyed his downtime, and tried as hard as possible not to take his business too seriously. That said, he built one of the most profitable organizations to grace the city by the bay, and at the time of his most recent incarceration, held quite a bit of downtown real estate. Even on the inside, though, his word was his bond. Something of an authority figure, he is trusted with problems and advice.
He is a born leader. An executive. He runs this shit.
That being said, the nominees in this category are as compelling as they are competitive. And they are:
Icehouse's Pick:
Jerry Buss, owner, Los Angeles Lakers: So yeah, dude is a septuagenarian, doesn't really do a whole lot anymore with the team, but he still pimps out when need be. Kobe is a cantankerous sort, and when he gets fed up with Phil Jackson, Mitch Kupchak, Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, etc., he calls Jerry. And Jerry makes all things right in the world.
This year, Buss had a hand in getting the Grizzlies to trade Gasols with the Lakers, sending Pau to Los Angeles and Marc to Memphis. That is straight dirty pimping, as Pau is much better than Marc.
Buss pimped his own daughter, first to Playboy (where she was a centerfold), and secondly to Phil Jackson (with whom she is currently romantically involved).
Buss is also a famed poker player, continuously taking part in extremely high-stakes poker games. Sometimes they're televised, sometimes people lose fingers (I think).
Last summer, Buss was arrested for DUI along with a 23-year-old female accomplice. He is a well-known partier that can regularly be seen at the Playboy Mansion (where he had been the night of the arrest), and counts among his drinking buddies the late Wilt Chamberlain (nobody more baller), Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jerry Jones. Yes, that Jerry Jones.
I understand that much of this is bland, and without commentary, but just look at that rap sheet. If I played for anybody, anybody, I'd hope it'd be someone like Jerry Buss.
Dude is untouchable.
HONORABLE MENTION: Sir Alec Ferguson, Manager, Manchester United. He loves his players. They win championships. Fuck the rest.
Lattimer's Pick:
Paul Johnson, coach, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Ah yes, the Avon Barksdale award. After many years of watching this wonderful show I have learned many things about Avon. He is a complex character. However, the one constant with Avon is he gives credit where credit is due. Heaven and Here put it best stating: "Gangster recognizes Gangster".
With that in mind, I think Avon would be proud to have Paul Johnson win the award with his namesake.Johnson is not a Gangster in the traditional sense, that much I realize, however Johnson is most certainly a gangster in the football world. Prior to this season, I read article upon article stating that Johnson needed to change his offensive attack against BCS defenses and, dare I say, SEC SPEEEEED!!!!! OMG OMG OMG.
Johnson quietly pushed the doubters aside and stuck to his guns. What resulted was a 9-3 record, barely missing out on an ACC championship game appearance (They lost to VT in a tiebreaker) and flexboned interstate rival UGA to the tune of 45 points and 409 on the ground. The thing you have to understand about Johnson is that this is his first year with Tech, running a radically different offense, with players who were recruited for a pro style attack. Furthermore, look at some other first year coaches, such as this guy, this guy, and of course this guy.
I'll stop now or else I'll go on forever.
HONORABLE MENTION: Saban's season, the Entire Tampa Bay Rays organization and Coach ARRRRRRRRRRRR.
Don Delaware's Pick:
Barry Melrose, coach/analyst, Numerous Hockey Teams: Barry Melrose wins my award for best coach. It's not because he is the best coach, but because he is the best coach to ever cross-over into the sports analyst role. 
Not only did Melrose lead Gretzky's L.A. Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals in '93, but he lead me to pay attention to hockey highlights on Sportscenter. Melrose's tone and demeanor demanded you to at least acknowledge the NHL playoffs. Not to mention he has a bad-ass haircut. He recognized that the rest of the sports world does not give a shit about hockey (especially during football season), so he broke his analysis down in a way so that everyone could understand what the fuck was going on. And in turn, I gave a shit. Here's my thanks to you Coach Melrose, the Avon Barksdale Award for best coach, owner, or agent.
Not only did Melrose lead Gretzky's L.A. Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals in '93, but he lead me to pay attention to hockey highlights on Sportscenter. Melrose's tone and demeanor demanded you to at least acknowledge the NHL playoffs. Not to mention he has a bad-ass haircut. He recognized that the rest of the sports world does not give a shit about hockey (especially during football season), so he broke his analysis down in a way so that everyone could understand what the fuck was going on. And in turn, I gave a shit. Here's my thanks to you Coach Melrose, the Avon Barksdale Award for best coach, owner, or agent.HONORABLE MENTION:
- Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian: Won 1990 Nat'l Title by the widest margin of victory in NCAA history at UNLV with the best, dirtiest team ever
- Temple Hoops Coach John Chaney: Threatened to kill and assaulted then UMASS Coach John Calipari in 1994, and in 1995 "I'm going to send in what we used to do years ago, send in the goons." Chaney sent in Forward Nehemiah Ingram to "ruff up" a St. Josephs player. Ingram fracture the kids arm in one of the greatest college hoops plays ever.
- Browns-Raven Owner Art Modell: Moved the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore after promising to never move the team as he felt betrayed as a Brooklynite when the Dodgers moved to L.A.
Stovall's Pick:
Lane Kiffin, coach, Oakland Raiders: In my opinion, this guy's name has to come into the conversation at some point for the 2008 season. Anybody who can get out of the worthless, Godless, hopeless black hole that is the Oakland Raider organization gets props in my book.
His tenure was less than a year and a half, amassing an impressive (for Oakland) record of 5-15. But one stat that isn't as well known is Old Codger Wrangling, and he was locking it up with one of the wiliest coots in the Northern Hemisphere in owner Al Davis. Davis' strength lies in his slickness and senility.
His shirtless windsuits, combined with his Dapper Dan and FOP'ed hairpiece, would make any foe cumbersome. But match that with the plain old vanilla craziness that is the psyche of Al "Father Time" Davis, and you've got yourself an achin' for a breakin'. Then try to coach a bunch of professional egomaniacs who are chemically-induced giants. That'll show 'em.But Kiffin was run out on a rail, as they say, in a very up-yours sort of way that was very reminiscent of the good old Mike Shannahan days. Now Kiffin will coach the Tennessee Volunteers, a once prominent football program in arguably the best conference in college football. But this isn't necessarily the dream job that many thought it was during the heyday. You're too far north to recruit the talent that your state has never and likely will never provide. You're stuck in one of the most vicious and cut-throat conferences in the country and let's just say the cupboard might be a little sparse upon your arrival.
Kiffin may very well be in the running of my "best" coach of the year in 2009.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jolly Charlie Weiss and his Band of Merry Gingers.
Old Booker Pogue's Pick:
Tommy Tuberville, coach, Auburn University: Clearly the winner here is Tommy Tuberville. The Man with the Golden Ears is a walking tribute to battered wives throughout history, being forced to resign last night. The man wins 8.85 games over a trailing 10yr period. He goes undefeated in 2004, and should have played for a national championship. Does he get shafted? Yes. How many other SEC coaches won successfully over a 10 yr. period? I don't know; it's not worth arguing, but it's not many.
Auburn fans, he was your rock. He may not have had a quarterback, but he had heart. He may not have charisma, but he coached the dumbest animals on earth - 18 y.o. males - to excellence (or near excellence) almost every year.
Sure, he knew you were pissy about his offensive production. Hell, how couldn't he? You went and flew in an old hooker to interview for his job - Bobby Petrino, of course - while the ole' Riverboat Gambler was still winning games. Then that blew up on ESPN. You might as well fuck your call girls in the guest room during Grey's Anatomy; Tommy'll never notice, right? But, ungrateful though you were, he soldiered on.
You kept whining, and he went for the Viagra - which is of course the spread offense. Ask Rich Rodriguez how well that works in a place built on vertical running. Every guy has a hard time getting it up every once in a while. Right? All he wants is for you to be happy. Beside, this happens to everybody. Remember the good times? The six years of domination over your unquestionably superior cousin? Bama? That ring a bell?
No? Well sure then. Kick the old bastard down the stairs and send him to the unemployment line. Tommy Tuberville, next round is on Roy Hobbs. But please, for the love of all that is holy, remember your pride: DON'T TAKE THE CLEMSON JOB. You deserve better than a lifetime of the Bowden Boys' sloppy seconds.
Who do you think deserves The Avon Barksdale Award for Management? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.
Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs
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