Cavaliers vanquish their most hated opponent

That's right. The Cleveland Cavaliers got their fifteenth win of the season last night, over LeBron. In a related story, the Cavs will stop playing when the season is over, and LeBron's Heat will make a deep run into the playoffs, after which he will go back home to his mansion in a cool city and fornicate on top of his giant pile of money.

The game was worth watching, though. You can watch the highlights here.

First of all, Bron didn't show up for player introductions. He says that he missed it because he was on the can, but we all know that widdle Bwon Bwon's fee fees are to fragile to take the deluge of boos that he knowingly deserves.

Second of all, Luke Harangody balled out of control. As much as Luke Harangody can. He had a funky spin move to fadeaway jumper that he obviously learned by watching Michael Jordan, and that he will never make again. Ever. He followed it up by draining a three. Pretty hilarious sequence of events, really.

The Cavs played hard and won because of it. They also made LeBron work for everything he got, fouling the shit out of him and swatting his shots into the stands even after fouls were called. In true Bron fashion, he finished with a triple double, and is now one of two players to record a triple double AGAINST a team he won the MVP for (Wilt is the other).

LeBron also drained a 60-foot buzzer beater at the end of the third quarter. It shouldn't have counted, because the buzzer expired before the ball left his hands. Upon review, they noticed that the clock started running before the inbounds pass touched his hands, because the clock-keeper is a hometown asshole. They probably shouldn't have counted the shot anyway, but still did, because fuck Cleveland.

The Cavs ended up out-hustling everybody for a well-deserved win. However, Baron Davis summed up the result with the ennui such a dubious victory deserves.

“Beating LeBron and beating the Heat doesn’t really mean anything to me. I’ll take the free beer, though."

Won't we all, Boom-dizzle.

And finally, to put the deflated and bitter cherry on top of the turd cake that this sad and worthless victory is, Dan Gilbert - owner of the Cavs - dropped this gem on twitter:

Fitting.

EVERYBODY CALM THE F*CK DOWN

EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH!

Are we cool? Are we cool? Ok, good.

Now look. Everybody in the world now has an opinion on LeBron James. Most of it has been pretty negative, and rightfully so. We've never seen anything like this, as far as an athlete holding the entire sports media hostage at his (or her. *stifles laughter*) behest. People also now have the perfect foil for his behavior in how Kevin Durant signed his new 5-year deal.

But let's hold on a minute. Are people all up in arms because he has his own hour-long ESPN LeBronathon? I mean, I don't necessarily care for it, but it also doesn't exactly affect me. I won't be watching. I can do any number of productive things with my life OTHER than sit on my couch and tear my hair out wondering where someone is going to play basketball in the fall.

There wasn't this much indignation when Bron was on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 16, or was buying his mom an H2 before he had signed with a team. And what about the Buzz Bissinger book, movie, and accompanying soundtrack? We're used to seeing athletes in shitloads of commercials, so really, how is this all that different? Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson have reality shows. Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh hired a film crew to follow them around throughout the last two weeks. Spike Lee followed around Kobe for "Kobe Doin' Work."

LeBron using media time to announce where he will play next year doesn't make him any different. It's just makes him a planner. Say he did it at a press conference at noon today. Do you really think that every news station wouldn't cut live to is, then ESPN would devote at least an hour to discussing it? Of course they would. Might as well have some sort of control in the operation.

Don't like it? Don't watch it. Don't like LeBron? There are plenty of people like you out there, just look in Boston, D.C., Detroit, Chicago, or any other Eastern Conference city that has seen him torch their team.

I like him because he's good at basketball. I'll devote an hour of my time watching him when he does that.

Stern: Fans To Vote For Outcome of Game 4 of Finals

NEW YORK — Despite being denied the optimal Finals match-up between the Lakers and the Cavaliers, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday to add another fan element to boost ratings fan involvement during the 2009 NBA Finals by letting fans vote the outcome of Game 4.

"Fans will be able to phone, text or email in their votes for who they want to win the fourth game in the series," said Stern. "The votes will be tallied, and whoever wins, will have Game 4 in the record books as a 'W.' It's a win-win for everybody!"

Stern said he selected Game 4 since it has more potential to extend a series.

"If the Lakers are savagely massacring Dwight Howard and his team, perhaps a sympathy vote could propel that blue team to making a run at it," said Stern. "It certainly makes things more interesting from a fan perspective."

Stern said that the regular sixty minute game would be replaced with a thirty minute exhibition from each team, similar to the All-Star game, complete with a dunking contest, trick shot competition, and mid-court dance off, followed by a thirty minute Slamball contest, with celebrity judges Kelli Clarkson and Jim Belushi.

Stern said he's confident the addition will add the appeal that the Kobe-LeBron match up would have proffered, had the Cavs won.

"You gotta wonder where those Ohio votes are going to go," said Stern. "I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. James made a surprise appearance during the Slamball segment," Stern hinted sheepishly.

Fans who vote by texting with Verizon Wireless phones get a free text message from LeBron James or Kobe Bryant.

NBA Playoffs: Conference Finals

Dwight: I can haz?
Kobe and LeBron: No.

At the risk of sounding like I've become part of the hype machine, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Kobe and Bron in the finals. I want the Nuggets to beat the Lakers, I really do, but think about what it would deprive us of. This would be the match-up of the century. Abysmal muppet commercials aside, Kobe-Bron would be destined for the same conversation as Wilt-Bill.

They are the two best players in the world. They are the best players on the two best teams in the league. It's been meant to be since before the season started.

Kobe and LeBron are at the top of the games, and yet, are polar opposites. One grew up rich playing hoops with his pro baller dad. One grew up poor and never knew his dad. One's substantially older. One forced a trade from the team that drafted him, while the other has embraced his hometown team and will [most likely] never leave. One's a jokester, one seems aloof and standoffish. One's image is untarnished, the other's is unfortunately synonymous with anal rape. They are their own doppelgangers, the yin to the other's yang.

But look how they've gotten to where they are presently, this season. One rains sixty in the World's Most Famous Arena, the next one shows up and drops a 52-point triple-double. They both flush 40-ft buzzer beaters like they could care less.

Currently, Kobe just put up 40 points over the West's second-best player's 39 to take the 1-0 lead over the Sticky Nuggs (please win, Nuggets. Please?). As I type, Bron is going up against the best Center in the league, and the East's third best player. His last four-possession stretch went like this: Bron blocks Rashard Lewis; Bron thunders home a dunk; Bron blocks Dwight Howard; Bron hits a three.

As far as teams go, I want the Nuggets and Cavs to win.

But as a fan...

Join me or Die. Can you do any less?

NBA Playoffs: Round 2

They're coming, they're coming, they're coming.

Yes infuckingdeed, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Lots of fun. Lots of dunks, lots of great games. This is seriously the best time of the year. Even TNT stepped up their game by adding Chris Webber to what was already the best talking head crew in television.

Anyways, despite the fact that most of the teams I wanted to win ended up losing, I'm still having a great time. I could really do without another viewing Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and Julius Erving in that one T-Mobile commercial, though.

SO

More of what I want to happen, less of what is going to happen:

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

(3)Orlando Magic v. (2)Boston Celtics
-Magic. It was nice to give Jesus, PP, and the Kid a ring. It really felt ok to give them one, they earned it. But they have theirs now. They don't really deserve a second one. Individually, sure, but this? It just feels dirty. The Magic have been the dark horse for plenty of time now. As a fan, I deserve to see a few more games of Dwight and Shard.

(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (1)Cleveland Cavaliers
-Normally I'll root for the underdog. Normally I'll root for Josh "J-Smoove" Smith and Joe Johnson. But normally, they're not in the second round of the playoffs playing against a newly minted MVP in LeBron James. Sorry Hawks. Hope you can snake one, but I doubt it. I don't see the Cavs losing too many games before the finals. Better luck next year.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:
(6)Dallas Mavericks v. (2)Denver Nuggets
-Nuggets. Because Mark Cuban should never have talked shit to JR Smith in the first place. Some people don't like seeing JR pop 28 ft. shots when the Sticky Nuggs are blowing out a team, but I'm going to relish seeing him do it this series. If the Mavs can somehow call "backsies" on the Kidd trade, have Dirk be the 6th man coming off the bench, and burn Erica Dampier down for the insurance money, I'll be a Mavs fan.

(5)Houston Rockets v. (1)Los Angeles Lakers
-I'd love to see the Rockets win. In my mind, they match up pretty well, too. Nobody stops Kobe, but Ron Artest is one hell of a speed bump, plus he's been playing great. Yao eats Pau's lunch for fun, and I don't have enough respect for Andrew Bynum to say that he'll bother Yao much, now that Yao has discovered his mean streak. Couple that with lightning-quick Aaron Brooks, Kyle Lowry flying in for fun, and the kaleidoscope of forwards the Rockets can throw at them, it's feasible. Not likely, but what the hell.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yeah. It's time to do it dirty. Muhfuck it all.

So yeah. Draft this weekend. The NBA playoff train keeps rolling. There's the ever-present shitload of baseball available. Good stuff all around.

So first and foremost, spring and summer is prime grilling time.


New rule: The Suns are never allowed to make the playoffs ever again. Sorry, but their time is just more useful to all of us doing other stuff. Everything's great in the video, but listen to how they describe Robin Lopez.


The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the Eighth Dimension. Yep.


Few teams have as much fun as the Cavs have. Seriously. Well, maybe the Suns. But the Cavs have fun playing basketball, so it's different.


And finally, a CollegeHumor original, perfect for bloggers, and set to a rocking tune.


Thanks everybody for your love and support. Now let's go to rumland.

PLAYOFFS ARE NIGH!!

Here's hoping that this happens again, for some reason.

YES! The second season is upon us! GODDAMN RIGHT! I've decided that this year, I'm going to give what I want to have happen, series by series.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers v. (8)Detroit Pistons
-Cavs. Because of Bron. Sorry, Sheed.

(2)Boston Celtics v. (7)Chicago Bulls
-Bulls. If KG isn't playing, then I have literally no incentive to give a fuck about this Boston team. Suck shit.

(3)Orlando Magic v. (6)Philadelphia 76ers
-Magic. Because Rashard Lewis is what Andre Iguodala will be.

(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (5)Miami Heat
-Hawks. Because Miami are some smarmy fucks ever since winning the championship. Also, the Hawks are fucking badass.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:
(1)Los Angeles Lakers v. (8)Utah Jazz
/sighs
//takes pull of whiskey
-Jazz. I never thought I'd ever pull for the Jazz for any reason, but here it is. Deron Williams is awesome, Ronnie Brewer is VERY fun to watch, and Carlos Boozer has a hilarious habit of shouting obscenities where microphones can hear him.

(2)Denver Nuggets v. (7)New Orleans Hornets
-Push. The most "QUIEN ES MAS GANGSTER" matchup I've ever seen. This is the fucking tits. Tyson Chandler, JR Smith, Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey "Gorzo the Mighty" Billups, Chris "Birdman" Andersen, AND the best point guard in the league all going at each other? Break out the bottle of Tanqueray, put on some soul music and let the flavor happen. If I have to decide, Nuggets, because of Homerism.

(3)San Antonio Spurs v. (6)Dallas Mavericks
-Spurs. Because Robots > Nazis. And Homerism.

(4)Houston Rockets v. (5)Portland Trailblazers
-Blazers. This one was really tough. I'd love to see the Rockets make it out of the first round, just to spite T-Mac (and because Ron Artest, Luis Scola, and Kyle Lowry are awesome), but I've always loved the Blazers. I can't explain it. However, LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw, Grandpa Greg Oden, and the Spanish Mafiosos speak for themselves.

OK. Phew. That was tougher than expected. We'll see how these turnout, hopefully I won't be that sad.

Also, it's Lattimer's birthday. Wish him a happy one in our comment sections, because he's probably on his fourth Vodka and Whey Protein drink at this point, and will be out of commission until we have more information.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

My two heroes. Together. I didn't get the invite, I guess.

So after having a lot of the country get puked on in the form of tons of late-winter snow, it is now HOTT! HOT IN HERRE! And it's Friday. It is time to go to the fuck outside.

But anyways, for today's fun bag, something really, really weird. I didn't even know that they had handicapped hockey, but apparently it suffers from the same idiocy that regular hockey does: bloodlust.


Furthermore, who doesn't love demolition derbies? They're pretty much what cars were made for. Now this video, being some fucking cowards, won't let me embed here, but seriously. Click on it. I would totally watch Nascar if it were more like this.

We've pretty much had every Bron commercial on this site, so we might as well have this one, too. Notice Weezy not being too happy about someone dirtying up his sneaks.


Chances are, everybody's seen this. I don't particularly care, since it is still Digger Phelps getting down and dirty with some UCLA cheerleaders. Digger has all the moves.


Starbury is back with the Kid. That's pretty much all I'm going to say.


Yes. YES! No more flourescent lights or staring at a computer, reading boring ass shit all day. It's the goddamn weekend.

Saturday Morning Fun Bag!

Yeehaw. We know that Bode Miller likes booze. That is all.

And finally, to end our winter sports kick, here is the funniest ski accident that I could find.

There are new NBA commercials. They are still under the "Where Amazing Happens" slogan, but deviate from the old ones (which I really liked). Either way, here is the funniest one, featuring (you guessed it) LeBron James.

Speaking of LeBron commercials, have you seen the one where he dances while hyping State Farm Insurance? Weird. Moving on, I would like to point out that LeBron did NOT invent the whole throw-the-chalk-before-tip-off thing. Kevin Garnett did. Regardless, there is a commercial featuring LeBron doing this gig. The only reason I like this commercial is Lil' Wayne. And Weezy isn't too pleased that somebody got junk on his kicks.

More commercials, that's what you get today. This one comes from a Spike Lee-starring Jordan brand commercial. It gives the saga of Jordan, with Spike reading from a wacky doodle. Anyways, the reason I like this one so much is an appearance from Namond Brice. Booyah!

So I went to a New Year's party, like most people in my age bracket. The best part was that most of the people at this party resembled our good friend Corey Delaney. Which got me thinking, does anybody else want these glasses off?

Ok, tonight, I'm going to a Nuggets game in Denver. Vanilla Ice is performing at halftime. I'm gonna get mine in '09.

Mama Drama!

If anyone has ever played any level of organized athletics, you know who your biggest fan, biggest cheerleader, and most ardent supporter in the face of adversity is: your own mother.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, it’s one of the things that most athletes are most proud of. Mothers are enormous influences, but it seems as though if one is paid to play a game, a mother may be a little more present than say, if one were a CEO.

The following is an examination of instances when mothers have made headlines on the sports page, and what lessons we can learn from them.

LeBron James buys his mother an H2.

The first thing many athletes say they’re going to do is buy their mothers a house, a car, something to show their thanks for all the years of putting ice on ankles, bringing orange slices to games, waking up at 5 a.m. to drive to a tournament, etc. Let’s face it, the moms deserve it.

Now, what happens if someone jumps the gun a little, and buys a $60,000 ride before one graduates high school? Eyebrows raise, and the doubters claim that there is something rotten in Akron.

Did Bron do anything wrong? No. He applied for a loan, went through the proper channels of putting up collateral and convincing the loan officer that he was worthy of a car loan. Of course, it was a little easy, as all he really had to do was say, “Nike is going to give me $90 million before I play a single game in Cleveland.”

The lesson: Make sure your paperwork is in order when giving back to mom.

Vince Young’s mom calls 911.

Of course, moms are worriers. When you are supporting the entire family, have been slightly aloof, and disappear for a while, they are most likely going to lose their shit.

It’s no secret the Vince is a mama’s boy. He always talks about how the biggest influences in his life are his grandmother, his mother, and his older sister. They sheltered him throughout his entire youth, keeping his nose clean, and making sure he ended up in Austin instead of on the streets.

So, to revisit. You have a hard day, you want some time to yourself, and maybe just kick it with a friend instead of being around the fam. Nothing wrong with this. Just make sure they know what you’re up to.

The lesson: Call mom, tell her what you’re up to (specifically, tell her that you’re not going to kill yourself).

Most recently, Tommy Tuberville’s mom talks to the Opelika/Auburn newspaper.

Tommy Tuberville was let go as head coach of Auburn. His mom lived nearby, as she ended up talking to the local news (which has literally nothing better to do than write anything about Auburn).

Mrs. Tuberville said something to the extent of “My son didn’t resign on his own, he was fired.”

Now, Tommy Tuberville didn’t voluntarily leave his post. Of course, officially he resigned, but we all know that some sort of backroom deal existed. This allowed Tuberville to take his $5.1 million separation pay, and still have plenty of friends among the Auburn faithful, highly complimentary job recommendations, etc. He got all of this by going quietly, and not forcing the powers that be to fire him.

Backroom deals belong in the backroom, not in the minds of mothers that live within earshot of the local daily.

The lesson: Call mom, but don’t tell her everything (a little misinformation never hurt anyone when millions of dollars are on the line).

The Campbell’s Chunk Soup Commercials.
You didn’t honestly think that all those women were actually the real mothers of Donovan McNabb, DeMarcus Ware, LaDanian Tomlinson, et al did you?

The lesson: When in doubt, let the soup company tell you who your mom is!

Aggregated Assault: The Izzy Mandelbaum Award

Aggregated Assault is a collective group post by the three primary writers of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs.

Ah, November. By now you're probably resting on your laurels of nearly a year's worth of solid work contributed to be betterment of society. Maybe checking a Christmas list for that special someone. Maybe you're sitting shirtless in a papasan chair eating tuna fish right out of the can. Either way, with the holiday season nigh and the year's end in sight, you're probably ready to relax.

Not us. We're just now gearing up for a year's end extravaganza that is going to award the best of the best of the best of 2008. The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards will cap off this, the eighth (or seventh?) year of the new millennium, by recognizing the marked achievements by those in the athletic society we affectionately call the Wide, Wide World of Sports.

The first award is the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens. Izzy Mandelbaum, the famed fitness enthusiast of Del Boca Vista, Florida, known for making men out of butterballs by inviting trips aboard the pain train, would be proud were he not busy somewhere else kicking it up a notch.

The issue of senior citizens in sports is very important for a variety of reasons. Senior citizens are hands down the best age group to watch a sporting event with. They have the best insight on games such as: "These players today don't have the HEART that we had" or "You're telling me we are paying this bum millions of dollars to miss 20 foot f'ing jump shots." or "Get a load of this bum" or "I hate the Iggles and you should too" and our favorite "Back in my day we had a way to deal with these endzone celebrations, it was called knocking your teeth out."

And the nominees are:

Zach Thomas, 35: Long considered to have his career ended, Zach Thomas came back with a fury. Well, a fury and a well-documented (thanks, HBO's Hard Knocks!) stretching program. Apparently stretching cures concussions and neck problems. Either way, you can't watch a Cowboys game without hearing his name several times a series, always flying around a play, or dragging down a runner by himself. He's currently four tackles away from the 1700 career milestone; which puts this no-necked sonuvabitch at the top of my list. Well, that and homerism.

Nancy Lieberman, 50: I mean, look at the age. Adding to the fact that she signed a week long contract this year to play for the team that she previously coached, the Detroit Shock, she also won a silver medal representing the United States in the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal. Not only is this chick old, and still played professional hoops this year, we must look at one more fact. In 1998, while head coach general manager of the Detroit Shock, she was forced to step down after having a (what I am assuming is a semi-hot) sexual relationship with one of the rookies on the team. BOOYAH!

Jamie Moyer, 45 (turned 46 on Tuesday!): We heard enough about this cat during the NLCS and World Series, but it still bears mentioning. As far as pro athletes in 2008, we have to mention Moyer. The dude was playing for real before anybody on this blog was born. He set records as the oldest to do several innocuous things, such as pitch in an NLCS game. But still, he ended up with a ring, after pitching a pretty darn good six innings – with a stomach virus no less – in the World Series.
-Icehouse

Kurt Warner, 37: Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, what do I even say about you? Kurt, much like many other senior citizens, has a crazy ass wife. Her name is Brenda Warner and she looks like a goblin. Kurt, however, represents so much more than a mush-head QB. He represents the majority of senior citizens in the U.S: Religion, check. Wife with gray hair, check. Flat-top, double check. But you know what Kurt is just too damn nice. He literally kills opponents with kindness...and his gloves.

Jamie Moyer, 46: Jamie Moyer is also old, in fact if these awards were serious, he'd win hands down. The problem with Moyer is that you always hear him "helping" the younger pitchers, or "mentoring" rookies. What the hell? Old people don't roll that way, Jamie. No, I'm all about stereotypes for these awards and who fits the old person stereotype better than...

Kerry Collins, 36: Oh my God, we have a winner. Think about it. Kerry Collins is 1.) Racist. 2.) Alcoholic. 3.) Fights Jim Kelly. Hell, Kerry Collins is originally from PA where we cling to our guns and religion because we are bitter. Well, you know what BHO? The K.C. is bitter about something. He's bitter that people over look his skills simply because every time he's been successful he's had a lights out defense, and a extraordinary running game. Well you know what K.C., I'm going to acknowledge you right here on GRH. You're always a winner in my book.
- Steve Lattimer

Joe Paterno, 122: Everyone should be well aware of my disdain for weak conferences such as the Big Ten, but let's face it: JoePa deserves to be on this list. Paterno has coached for the better part of two centuries, won numerous bowl games and currently adds more games to his record of most winningest college coach of all time. And he's still good. Prior to an unforeseen upset at the hands of Iowa, Paterno had his team National Championship bound - albeit undeservedly so - and still has a top ten team. This is all from coaching in the box with a bad hip. Way to go, Pops. You're aces in my book.

Brett Favre, 39: Admit it. You love this guy. There's something in the hearts of men everywhere that aches for the days of adolescence and youth and vigor and Brett "The Tease" Favre is the epitome of all of those feelings. Like a kid out in the rain, Brett Favre has still got it. He has taken a lack-luster team like the Jets and made them legitimate contenders for the AFC East. Sure, the heavyweight Patriots are in a rehabilitating year, but give the man credit: they're much better than they were without him. Overrated he may be, and while not in the upper-upper echelon of QB's, he is still one of the best. Put it this way; were it not for Tom Brady, who would've been the league MVP last year? That's right. Father Time Brett Favre.

John McCain, 156: I have contended for a long time that politics is the ultimate sport, mainly because it's the only one where overtime can be settled by nukes. But in political discourse, no elder statesman stood out so elderishly as GOP Senator and Presidential-hopeful John McCain. Johnnie Mac ran very well in a race in which he was never supposed to be close. The new hotness, Barack Obama, came in and Ba-Rocked the Vote. But McCain's septuagenarian shoulders carried the banner for a country that, despite the mandate from towards a more-left movement, is still a center-right country. Oh yeah, and he's killed more commies than cancer, and he's beaten cancer a couple of times, too. Despite your loss at the hands of democracy, I salute you, Old Man River.
-Zack Stovall

Who do you think deserves the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

YEEUH! The end of the week gets me so jacked up I feel like it's time to jump off of a balcony like Tyler Hansborough! Shit yeah!

Yes in-fucking-deed we are back! Woo!

Ok, the Seattle Supersonics are undoubtedly dead, due to their gay-hating (while probably gay himself) owner, Clay Bennet. Anyways, while they were there, they made some amazing commercials starring a one Predrag Drobnjak. Seriously, are y'all seeing this shit?

Ok. Ok. Deep breaths. Alright, on another Eurotrash NBAer note, Sasha Vujacic is known as "The Machine." Apparently, he was not programmed to properly do the chest bump.

Here is something truly bizarre and unsafe from Europe.

Not sure why, but I decided to give you the best clip from "Strange Wilderness." Can't really stop laughing at this for some reason.

LeBron James listens to Barry Manilow.

Also, everybody loves puppies.

Pretty awesome Funbag if I do say so myself. Highfives around!

Mahalo, bitches!

ELECTION RESULTS: LeBron is President!

The Executive Branch is about to get a new fresh African-American face in the Oval Office, but not the one that it was expecting.

In a startling chain of events, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers has won the Presidential Race of 2008 in a landslide. Previously thought to be running as a gimmick candidate for the Fly Party, a secret underground campaign, coupled with some pretty decent season-opening numbers, have clinched the Race for the formerly monarchical but currently democratic King James.

"I mean, it's a big honor," said James. "It's not every day you can be the first and second most powerful person in the world. I'll holla at that. How many people can say they can keep their NBA Championship Trophy in their Lincoln bedroom? I'll be saying that come June."

Apparently the do-it-all small forward plans to literally do it all, shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a team kicking and screaming into the Finals and shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a nation kicking and screaming into prosperity all at the same time. But James says he has no reservations for pulling off both at the same time.

"I mean, I played high school football and basketball at the same time," James said, spinning a globe on his ring and index finger. "I think I got this."

James' platform includes free health care for everyone, flying cars for those over 18, the repealing of the one-year out of high school rule, and the creation of an eighth day of the week in between Sunday and Monday, known as Bronday, where no work only play will take place. He also wants to replace the entirety of CSPAN's staff with ESPN staff citing "irreconcilable differences."

But just how did James surmount such a tremendous upset over not only typical party candidates like Barack Obama and John McCain, but even less than conventional candidates like Bob Barr and Chuck Baldwin and...what's that guy's name?....oh yeah, Ralph "Guess Who's Back?" Nader?

"With style," James replied, as the threw a cross-court three-pointer in for a swish. Actually, James later admitted, the process was much more convoluted than the 23 year old had reckoned.

Taking notes from Obama rather than McCain, James first went about selecting a running mate that nobody could remember or care about. The LeBron James-Manute Bol ticket was formed, although none of the campaign materials were changed to include Bol's name.

"He's going to help my international relations and s**t," said James.

"Uh huh," replied Bol.

Next James went about garnering campaign finances. With Tiger Woods out of the picture, Nike was willing to throw millions into the campaign, including running an ad with the LeBrons, young and old, beating the ever-loving piss out of some Revolutionary-era Torries. One ad also included a video of LeBron dunking over the Detroit Pistons two years ago with LeBron breaking the fourth wall, looking into the camera and saying, "Voting for me? That's a slam dunk!" and then he game his trademark grin and soon-to-be-trademarked thumbs up.

Support also came from Hollywood. Jay-Z was more than willing to throw down his m-to-the-Oney towards James' campaign. Not fully understanding the democratic process, Jay-Z even let James sleep with his precious Beyonce (now known as Sascha Fierce...yikes) so that he would have some sort of blood ties toward what he called the "White House Throne," stating "I wanna sit where Lincoln sit."

Other financial backers included Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, James Earl Jones, John Stockton and even Will "Fresh Prince" Smith, while DJ Jazzy Jeff, an ardent Republican, sided with McCain. The two apparently are no longer on speaking terms.

Having the necessary resources, LeBron quickly had the law banning people under 35 from being elected earmarked for amendment to exclude people who play in the NBA and "have sweet ink." Following the amendment, the rest fell into place as easily as it did silently.

James naturally swept his home state of Ohio, where he not only plays for the Cavaliers, but also played in his high school days. Known for wearing Yankee hats for no apparent reason was enough to carry New York and even New Jersey's half of an electoral vote. Sweeping both the coveted blue collar vote and the glitz and glamor vote, it was no wonder LeBron won as handedly as he did.

"That's just what I do," said LeBron. "I win."

LeBron said his inauguration suit will be made of a recycled solid gold H2 Hummer and the after-party will be "extra-crunk" because his first order of business will be to repeal the amendment restricting more than two term presidents.

King James, indeed.

Caption Contest!

"Hey dog, when are you gonna get me out of Cleveland?"

or...

Jay-Z = LeBron > PDiddy = Knicks

or...

"Keep working on the handshake, Bron, or we can't let you into the Roc-a-Fella clubhouse."

This picture should be caption gold. Prove your worth!

Charles Barkley on Barack

From CNN comes a pretty interesting little blurb from Wolf Blitzer interviewing Charles Barkley. Personally, I just assumed that I wouldn't get to see Barkley for a few more months, and was just plain happy to see him.

However, there were a few interesting points brought up. I especially like the infographic concerning the new tax plans. The first thing I thought was, "I'm getting screwed! My bracket isn't anywhere near that!" The next thing I heard was Barkley claiming that he makes a lot more than $2.9 Million a year (this can't possibly be true, I don't care how well TNT pays). But then Barkley goes into a whole discussion of being rich, and saying how he doesn't mind throwing around "a few hundred thousand here and there." Love it. Barkley's viewpoint on higher taxes essentially boils down to him tipping America more.

Another thing that's interesting is that Barkley has long claimed to be a Republican. He even boasts about it openly to Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson on TNT with such bravado as, "when I was growing up I wasn't rich enough to be a Republican." The Round Mound has apparently switched sides. Not sure if that's good or bad, or for which party it's good or bad. Time will tell.

Finally, I'm glad that Chuck hasn't backed off of his aspirations to be governor of Alabama. Sure, that whole gambling thing might come back during the mudslinging, but that's really not that big of a deal. Of course, if they really wanted to get dirty, they could roll footage of Barkley bloodying up David Robinson's face with a sinister voice-over saying, "just look at how he treats our veterans." But I digress. Moving along, for the first time in my life, I heard the guy who originated "I am not a role model" say something insightful and pertinent about the condition of American society today, opining on the growing gap between rich and poor. Is Charles grooming himself for a run? One can only hope.