Caption Contest: Young LeBron Cracks Wise

This picture should spawn a whole lot of better comments besides this one. I hope that many of you come up with some of them.

WOO!

Stern: Fans To Vote For Outcome of Game 4 of Finals

NEW YORK — Despite being denied the optimal Finals match-up between the Lakers and the Cavaliers, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday to add another fan element to boost ratings fan involvement during the 2009 NBA Finals by letting fans vote the outcome of Game 4.

"Fans will be able to phone, text or email in their votes for who they want to win the fourth game in the series," said Stern. "The votes will be tallied, and whoever wins, will have Game 4 in the record books as a 'W.' It's a win-win for everybody!"

Stern said he selected Game 4 since it has more potential to extend a series.

"If the Lakers are savagely massacring Dwight Howard and his team, perhaps a sympathy vote could propel that blue team to making a run at it," said Stern. "It certainly makes things more interesting from a fan perspective."

Stern said that the regular sixty minute game would be replaced with a thirty minute exhibition from each team, similar to the All-Star game, complete with a dunking contest, trick shot competition, and mid-court dance off, followed by a thirty minute Slamball contest, with celebrity judges Kelli Clarkson and Jim Belushi.

Stern said he's confident the addition will add the appeal that the Kobe-LeBron match up would have proffered, had the Cavs won.

"You gotta wonder where those Ohio votes are going to go," said Stern. "I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. James made a surprise appearance during the Slamball segment," Stern hinted sheepishly.

Fans who vote by texting with Verizon Wireless phones get a free text message from LeBron James or Kobe Bryant.

This is why everyone sucks.

I mean, you're not a werewolf. And everyone knows werewolves can ball.

Saturday Morning Fun Bag!

Yeehaw. We know that Bode Miller likes booze. That is all.

And finally, to end our winter sports kick, here is the funniest ski accident that I could find.

There are new NBA commercials. They are still under the "Where Amazing Happens" slogan, but deviate from the old ones (which I really liked). Either way, here is the funniest one, featuring (you guessed it) LeBron James.

Speaking of LeBron commercials, have you seen the one where he dances while hyping State Farm Insurance? Weird. Moving on, I would like to point out that LeBron did NOT invent the whole throw-the-chalk-before-tip-off thing. Kevin Garnett did. Regardless, there is a commercial featuring LeBron doing this gig. The only reason I like this commercial is Lil' Wayne. And Weezy isn't too pleased that somebody got junk on his kicks.

More commercials, that's what you get today. This one comes from a Spike Lee-starring Jordan brand commercial. It gives the saga of Jordan, with Spike reading from a wacky doodle. Anyways, the reason I like this one so much is an appearance from Namond Brice. Booyah!

So I went to a New Year's party, like most people in my age bracket. The best part was that most of the people at this party resembled our good friend Corey Delaney. Which got me thinking, does anybody else want these glasses off?

Ok, tonight, I'm going to a Nuggets game in Denver. Vanilla Ice is performing at halftime. I'm gonna get mine in '09.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

YEEUH! The end of the week gets me so jacked up I feel like it's time to jump off of a balcony like Tyler Hansborough! Shit yeah!

Yes in-fucking-deed we are back! Woo!

Ok, the Seattle Supersonics are undoubtedly dead, due to their gay-hating (while probably gay himself) owner, Clay Bennet. Anyways, while they were there, they made some amazing commercials starring a one Predrag Drobnjak. Seriously, are y'all seeing this shit?

Ok. Ok. Deep breaths. Alright, on another Eurotrash NBAer note, Sasha Vujacic is known as "The Machine." Apparently, he was not programmed to properly do the chest bump.

Here is something truly bizarre and unsafe from Europe.

Not sure why, but I decided to give you the best clip from "Strange Wilderness." Can't really stop laughing at this for some reason.

LeBron James listens to Barry Manilow.

Also, everybody loves puppies.

Pretty awesome Funbag if I do say so myself. Highfives around!

Mahalo, bitches!

ELECTION RESULTS: LeBron is President!

The Executive Branch is about to get a new fresh African-American face in the Oval Office, but not the one that it was expecting.

In a startling chain of events, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers has won the Presidential Race of 2008 in a landslide. Previously thought to be running as a gimmick candidate for the Fly Party, a secret underground campaign, coupled with some pretty decent season-opening numbers, have clinched the Race for the formerly monarchical but currently democratic King James.

"I mean, it's a big honor," said James. "It's not every day you can be the first and second most powerful person in the world. I'll holla at that. How many people can say they can keep their NBA Championship Trophy in their Lincoln bedroom? I'll be saying that come June."

Apparently the do-it-all small forward plans to literally do it all, shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a team kicking and screaming into the Finals and shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a nation kicking and screaming into prosperity all at the same time. But James says he has no reservations for pulling off both at the same time.

"I mean, I played high school football and basketball at the same time," James said, spinning a globe on his ring and index finger. "I think I got this."

James' platform includes free health care for everyone, flying cars for those over 18, the repealing of the one-year out of high school rule, and the creation of an eighth day of the week in between Sunday and Monday, known as Bronday, where no work only play will take place. He also wants to replace the entirety of CSPAN's staff with ESPN staff citing "irreconcilable differences."

But just how did James surmount such a tremendous upset over not only typical party candidates like Barack Obama and John McCain, but even less than conventional candidates like Bob Barr and Chuck Baldwin and...what's that guy's name?....oh yeah, Ralph "Guess Who's Back?" Nader?

"With style," James replied, as the threw a cross-court three-pointer in for a swish. Actually, James later admitted, the process was much more convoluted than the 23 year old had reckoned.

Taking notes from Obama rather than McCain, James first went about selecting a running mate that nobody could remember or care about. The LeBron James-Manute Bol ticket was formed, although none of the campaign materials were changed to include Bol's name.

"He's going to help my international relations and s**t," said James.

"Uh huh," replied Bol.

Next James went about garnering campaign finances. With Tiger Woods out of the picture, Nike was willing to throw millions into the campaign, including running an ad with the LeBrons, young and old, beating the ever-loving piss out of some Revolutionary-era Torries. One ad also included a video of LeBron dunking over the Detroit Pistons two years ago with LeBron breaking the fourth wall, looking into the camera and saying, "Voting for me? That's a slam dunk!" and then he game his trademark grin and soon-to-be-trademarked thumbs up.

Support also came from Hollywood. Jay-Z was more than willing to throw down his m-to-the-Oney towards James' campaign. Not fully understanding the democratic process, Jay-Z even let James sleep with his precious Beyonce (now known as Sascha Fierce...yikes) so that he would have some sort of blood ties toward what he called the "White House Throne," stating "I wanna sit where Lincoln sit."

Other financial backers included Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, James Earl Jones, John Stockton and even Will "Fresh Prince" Smith, while DJ Jazzy Jeff, an ardent Republican, sided with McCain. The two apparently are no longer on speaking terms.

Having the necessary resources, LeBron quickly had the law banning people under 35 from being elected earmarked for amendment to exclude people who play in the NBA and "have sweet ink." Following the amendment, the rest fell into place as easily as it did silently.

James naturally swept his home state of Ohio, where he not only plays for the Cavaliers, but also played in his high school days. Known for wearing Yankee hats for no apparent reason was enough to carry New York and even New Jersey's half of an electoral vote. Sweeping both the coveted blue collar vote and the glitz and glamor vote, it was no wonder LeBron won as handedly as he did.

"That's just what I do," said LeBron. "I win."

LeBron said his inauguration suit will be made of a recycled solid gold H2 Hummer and the after-party will be "extra-crunk" because his first order of business will be to repeal the amendment restricting more than two term presidents.

King James, indeed.

Sports Commercials

Last month we had a 50 post surge, however to start off November I feel like we need to go back to our roots.

Small posts about sports commercials.

Here is Bron's latest.


Things I learned:
1. Lebron continues to impress me.
2. His new shoe is "After Six." Interesting.
3. He may, or may not, have a piranha named "Sir Charles."
4. I have no idea who Nicole Scherzinger is.
4a. I might be a loser because of this.
4b. A quick wikipedia search reveals that she was in the Pussycat dolls, so I'd argue I am in fact not a loser.
5. They need to make the clapper for fireplaces.

The Strength of the Euro

In case you haven't noticed, NBA players are fleeing their middling teams and wack salaries for the richer pastures of Europe. This was bound to happen eventually, what with the improvement of international basketball over the last decade or so. Also, if you are familiar with this blog, you will also remember that one of our authors made th prophetic vision that people will follow the footsteps of Brandon Jennings should he decide to hop the pond. Prophetic, I am.

Anyways, the list does include some NBA notables, but mostly middle of the road dudes that are little more than role players on their teams. Some already have international experience (Nenad "Nads" Krstic, Jorge "Garbage" Garbajosa, Carlos Arroyo). Others just felt like escaping.

While Jennings was the most original and notable (being a high school player making the exodus so he could get paid instead of go to school), Josh Childress was probably where the dam broke. Childress, a young athlete that played a fair amount on a fair, young, athletic team, signed a three-year $30 Million contract with Olimpiacos (Greece). Childress isn't even the first American to play for this team, but he is the first NBA-established player to go across in the peak of his career. Most people usually wait until they are too old for the NBA, or they go overseas if they can't make the NBA. When people saw how much Childress was going to get paid ($10mil a year is starter money on playoff teams), others thought to themselves, 'hey, I could make that money.'

There are other factors to realize with this deal. Going overseas doesn't just mean more money. Well, it does, but in different ways. What most people don't realize is that when you get paid with most pro teams in Europe, you keep all your money. Most pro clubs in Europe, regardless of the sport, pick up the tab on taxes, housing, cars, pretty much all living necessities. That means that ALL of that $30 million is Josh's (Jennings is looking smarter than any other Arizona Wildcat right about now). Furthermore, the teams that can afford to lure players away (Olimpiacos, CSKA Moscow, Barcelona) are generally all contenders. Anyone can tell you that it is way more fun to win than lose, regardless of the league. Finally, look at where you get to play! Josh Childress left Atlanta for Athens, Greece. If you were wondering, Athens is nicer than Atlanta. By a lot. Seriously, look at NBA cities (New Jersey, Milwaukee, Oklahoma City, Toronto). Compare those with the nicest cities in Europe (and then Moscow), fuck a language barrier, those places are great.

Now the average fan doesn't care much about the people that have already gone across the pond. In fact, several of you probably have never even heard the name "Earl Boykins" before. Most people won't even miss the ones that are gone (I, for one, will miss Carlos Arroyo's pimp ass shoes). But in the last few days, Kobe Bryant and [sources close to] LeBron James said that they would go if the money was right. The money being astronomical (Kobe says $40 million a year, Bron's bro says fitty). That's a heck of a lot of money. Money that NBA teams can't compete with due to the salary cap. It's one thing for lesser known albeit decent players to go, but when you talk about two of the main faces of the NBA, it probably sends a shiver up David Stern's spine.

I discussed the intangible merits of playing hoops in Europe, and so I must point out the main perk of hooping in the USA: sponsorship dollars. LeBron doesn't make most of his money playing basketball. He makes most of his money being a face to slap on a Coke can, a Nike billboard, even a pack of Bubble Gum (Yes, there is a LeBron Bubblicious flavor of gum). While that $50 million figure would be about double what he makes from the Cavs, he would stand to lose a fair amount of money in sponsorships (yes, Nike and Coke exist everywhere, but he wouldn't be moving the same amount of goods, therefore he would take a pay cut. Think how many Beckham commercials you see in the USA these days). Will LeBron go overseas? Probably, but not before he wins a couple of rings in the NBA first. Maybe in about fifteen years he'll go.

The European basketball leagues have long been a sort of retirement program for aging hoopsters. Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins (the only NBA player to ever claim he was an alien from the planet Luvtron) played in Italy for a spell, as did Magic Johnson, Julius Erving, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, World B. Free, et al. Stephon Marbury even announced his plan last summer to go play in Europe after his contract expires. Not just in Europe, either. Sonny Alvarado played in a Korean league, and God Shammgod still plays in China. One of the most important twists, however, is that Joe "Jellybean" Bryant played in Italy for a long time.

Which, of course, brings me to Kobe. Kobe was raised in Italy when his pops (the aforementioned Bryant) played there. Kobe speaks Italian, and loves to jetset to all the happening places in Europe. For all the reasons that LeBron has to stay, Kobe has to go. Kobe's already accomplished everything one can in the NBA. Three rings, MVP, Scoring champ, etc. All checked off the list. Furthermore, Kobe doesn't have hardly any sponsorships anymore after his Colorado naked party (also, Euro chicks don't sue you when you bang them. Another good reason, Kobe!), therefore, if he's gotta live off of his hoops playing, playing somewhere with no taxes or salary caps is probably a wise move. Considering that he's already comfortable with the life on an expatriate, and that he already plays with a bunch of bricklaying Eurotrash on the Lakers, Kobe is probably the only superstar that might make the jump while still in their prime.

Would this hurt the NBA? Maybe. It would definitely help basketball on a global scale, and bring us one step closer to my dream of having a basketball champion's league (which would be sweet).

The Euro phenomenon has made this offseason pretty interesting, and is a perfect build up for the Olympics (which will showcase all of the best talent, NBA or otherwise). One way or another, there are definitely more basketball leagues than just the NBA, and those leagues aren't for hasbeens and neverwas's anymore.