Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's Opening Day!!!

Via @MattSebek

Albert and Yadi are excited!!!

I don't know why MLB doesn't do this on a Saturday and make a huge deal about it, but hey we'll take it.

Atl@ WAS 1:05
Det @ NYY 1:05
Mil @ Cin 2:10
LAA @ KC 4:10
SD @ STL 4:15
SF @ LAD 8:00

Verlander and C.C along with the prime time slot of Lincecum and Kershaw should be fun.

Thoughts and observations in the comments.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Cavaliers vanquish their most hated opponent

That's right. The Cleveland Cavaliers got their fifteenth win of the season last night, over LeBron. In a related story, the Cavs will stop playing when the season is over, and LeBron's Heat will make a deep run into the playoffs, after which he will go back home to his mansion in a cool city and fornicate on top of his giant pile of money.

The game was worth watching, though. You can watch the highlights here.

First of all, Bron didn't show up for player introductions. He says that he missed it because he was on the can, but we all know that widdle Bwon Bwon's fee fees are to fragile to take the deluge of boos that he knowingly deserves.

Second of all, Luke Harangody balled out of control. As much as Luke Harangody can. He had a funky spin move to fadeaway jumper that he obviously learned by watching Michael Jordan, and that he will never make again. Ever. He followed it up by draining a three. Pretty hilarious sequence of events, really.

The Cavs played hard and won because of it. They also made LeBron work for everything he got, fouling the shit out of him and swatting his shots into the stands even after fouls were called. In true Bron fashion, he finished with a triple double, and is now one of two players to record a triple double AGAINST a team he won the MVP for (Wilt is the other).

LeBron also drained a 60-foot buzzer beater at the end of the third quarter. It shouldn't have counted, because the buzzer expired before the ball left his hands. Upon review, they noticed that the clock started running before the inbounds pass touched his hands, because the clock-keeper is a hometown asshole. They probably shouldn't have counted the shot anyway, but still did, because fuck Cleveland.

The Cavs ended up out-hustling everybody for a well-deserved win. However, Baron Davis summed up the result with the ennui such a dubious victory deserves.
“Beating LeBron and beating the Heat doesn’t really mean anything to me. I’ll take the free beer, though."
Won't we all, Boom-dizzle.

And finally, to put the deflated and bitter cherry on top of the turd cake that this sad and worthless victory is, Dan Gilbert - owner of the Cavs - dropped this gem on twitter:


Monday, March 28, 2011


It's official, the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, Global Warming, Climate Change and now ripping up basketball hoops.

Seriously, this isn't China. There are rules in America. But you know why Blythe put the hit out on the basketball hoop?

1. He hates kids
2. He hates kids
3. He's no dummy, he knows a prime set up when he sees it. A solid hoop at the END of a culdesac? Shit, that is a kid's dream. Oh, I know he's in the PA Hall of Fame for opening sports complexes. I don't care. So maybe - just MAYBE - if the kids can't play in the streets, they have to go to one of your "complexes" where they have to pay a "membership fee" for a low "monthly charge." I see you Blythe, real smooth, game respects game.

When I showed this to Icehouse he pointed out that youth sports prevent Gang activity, drug abuse, and teen pregnancy. FACT!!!

And what's with the sweatshirt lady in the video? What, did you not bust enough balls in 9th grade student council? Stovall said it best when talking about her upcoming performance review.

"Have you ever lied to an individual during your job?"
/puts in video

But really, the main complaint is that kids don't pay attention to traffic? Really? Have you ever met a kid? Nobody cares about traffic, you're invincible at that age. Anyway, these two are my heroes for the day and I can't wait until Oprah picks up on their story and they get a stadium in their front yard.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

You know we've been doing this shit storm for a while and I think it's now come to a point where I simply don't have any more ideas.

Well not really, but it is hard to come up with riveting topics week after week. I mean today I was ready to talk about my fantasy baseball draft and how awesome it is to have Albert Pujols. Oh did I mention I have Albert Pujols? Well I do, and yes I drafted Yadi as well to keep him happy.

So this shit storm is for anything you wanted to talk about at some point. If you're a fan of the shit storm, and I know you are, you know that "topics" are extremely flexible, in fact I'm pretty sure we don't have any "rules." Anyway I'm being honest when I say that I'll just take ideas off of the comments and put them in a post draft. It's almost like a shit storm in a shit storm in a shit storm.

Oh we need a you tube video

Oh and what's this bullshit with protesting during the royal wedding? At that point you aren't being an anarchist you're being a dick.


Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

WOOOO Ballin with Chris Brown! I'd like to see Chris Brown get in somebody's face at the Cage (where he is in the photo, West 4th NYC). Basically because I'd like to see him try to fight something that is neither a woman nor a glass window.

That's neither here nor there. WOO! FRIDAY! Let's get bizzzay.

To get you ready for partying, here's Bill Cosby dancing to dubstep.

Here's a bunch of people falling on their bikes in England. Don't laugh, that shit looks hard.

BUCS 2011 X.C Carnage! from Joe Bowman on Vimeo.

Cut that shit out, Japan.

This is a wonderful, wonderful POV skiing video from Jackson Hole, WY. Quoth the guy who posted this on TGR, "Take that, mountain covered in snow."

Mid Wintahhhh 2011 from Andrew Whiteford on Vimeo.

JaVale McGee says no to your funk.

Crazy Euroleague ending, crazier announcing.

Trebek calls a college football game.

36 feet into one foot of water. THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA.

Outstanding. Let's make this happen. Yeeeuh.







Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America


Dogus has been here for too long. In Turkey, he was highly-regarded prospect. Here, he is bionic-legged joke. They mock his shooting. They say he is slow and useless. If Dogus so slow, why is he regarded as defensive specialist? Huh? Dogus ask you that!

The season went well enough. Dogus won more games against the hated 12 than he ever had before. After the disaster of last season, the doubters doubted Dogus and the Longhorns. It felt good to beat expectations instead of failing to live up to them.

But the feeling was fleeting. After being good, suddenly the Longhorns played bad. They lost to the Huskers of Corn, from Nebraska. Dogus chuckled, because "husking your corn" means something TOTALLY different in Turkey. But that's for another time.

The Longhorns limped into the tournament figuratively. Dogus limped in literally and figuratively. The Longhorns always fail in the tournament, Dogus thought. Dogus was right.

People tell Dogus Arizona Wildcats are good. They tell Dogus that the referees were the ones who failed, not the Longhorns. Dogus knows better. He knows the Longhorns are no good in March. This doesn't bother him. Dogus is gone from this place of drunkenness and wanton fellatio.

Dogus will miss this, but he is ready to return to the land that made him a hero. He will pick up where Allen Iverson left off.

U Mad?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sports Writing at its Finest

This is T.J Simmers. T.J Simers is a dick. Always has been and Always will be. On the surface it's not a huge problem, lot's of people are dicks. However, Simers is a dick who gets paid (handsomely) to write about sports.

Simers has this schtick where he acts like an asshole to players/coaches/fans in order to get a rise out of them, THEN he goes all "holy shit (insert individual/group/team) is an asshole"

He did it when he was on ATH and he's become quite good at it.

An example of this is his latest column ripping Marcus Thames.

Here's Simers gripes with Thames

-He's a power hitter (who mauls lefties) with below average fielding skills on balls in front of him. (Essentially Man Ram in the field)

-Thames wants his last name pronounced correctly.

-Thames walked away after Simers walked up to him and said:
"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?'' I asked by way of introduction....When I came back on Tims/Tems, he sat silent. I can see one problem he might have on defense if everyone is relying on him to yell "I got it."

He said he wasn't going to talk to me because I hadn't introduced myself. That would have allowed him to pull out the little card the Dodgers' PR department provides players advising them how to get a running start on Page 2.

So basically his first interaction with a new guy on the team and his introduction is "Hey why do you suck so much on defense?" and he's upset that the guy wouldn't talk to him?

Nevermind the fact that the Dodgers got Thames for a 1 yr $1 mil contract. Nevermind that if he thinks Thames is that bad he should rip the Dodgers front office. Nevermind Thames' only job his entire career has been to pulverize lefties and hit homeruns.

No, here's the main problem is that Thames' mother was in a car accident when he was 5 causing her to be bed ridden for the rest of her life. Thames grew up on Welfare, and while still a junior in high school, joined the National Guard to make more money for his family. He is not an asshole or a stiff.

But enough about T.J Simers. The problem I have is that Simers does a hatchet job on a guy and he's considered a "professional journalist."

Spencer Hall of EDSBS fame was recently on a panel at SXSW dealing with the future of blogging. One of the topics dealt with the respect, and opportunities teams and leagues will grant bloggers.

The issue I've always had with sports journalism is the fact that nothing really grants you "authority" to be a good sports writer. It's not like being a doctor or lawyer where you have to know certain shit, and pass certain tests in order to practice your profession.

What's that you say? J-School? T.J Simers, Shaughnessy, Jay Mariotti, Mike Lupica, Bill Plashke, and my personal favorite Mitch Albom all went to J-School.

Your argument is invalid.

But honestly, those guys get to go to the biggest sporting events in the world, and write absolute pure shit.

Meanwhile, Free Darko, Matt Hinton, and others are left to be lowly bloggers.

Just food for thought.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

As you can see this is a fan fiction movie based off of Mario Brothers. If you remember, they tried to actually make a real movie out of this.

I know, it was horrible and very depressing as a kid.

But here's what gets me, why have they not made more movies based on video games? I mean look at the first video, that shit is so dark, just imagine if that was an actual movie. Which brings me to the shit storm. Video games you would like to see made into a movie.

I get that video games are sometimes like movies in that they have story lines and what not, but call me old fashion, I just like real live actors as opposed to 3D computer generated ones.

Obviously Mario is number one on a lot of lists, so if you want you can offer ideas for the Mario movie.

My #2 would be any GTA. Preferably I'd like San Andreas, just because that was set in the 90's and it had so much random hilarious shit in it. Plus you could have sex in that video game which my roommates and I had way too much fun with.

Next, and this is somewhat obvious, but there needs to be a Punch Out movie.

As well as a Paper Boy movie.My friends and I always had this theory that paper boy was actually set in another dimension because we had never seen any of the stuff in paper boy on our street. Also, did anyone figure out what the kid on the street was doing? the one kicking his legs in the air?

Finally, we need the entire Metal Gear Solid series because those games were fucking intense to take as a 12-16 year old.

Ok let's hear yours in the comments.

Loading Shit Storm

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hey What's Up

Oooooooo Oooooooo

Gotta wake up gotta go downstairs gotta log on the computer gotta

Fillllll my braaaaaaacket out

gotta look for upsets,

Hey GRH has a poooooooooool.

kickin in the first round

kickin in the final four

Who should I pick

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

It's Madness Madness everyone getting down on madness.

Madness madness









It's 7:45 sittin at my computer gotta fill out my bracket

How do I do thaaaaaaaaaat?

It's easy go to yahoo go to tourney pick em join a group.

What is the group IDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?

Group ID is: 125568

Got to enter a password, what is the password?

Pasword is: metallicarules

Hey now I need a team naaaaaaaaaame.

Gotta pick the teams to win, more correct picks gets you more points, if you have the most points then you win.

/Rap interlude


We so excited, we we we we so excited.

Hurry up games start Thursday and FRIDAY!!! then the second round comes after that but before the final four is the elite 8 and the sweet sixteen, following the final four is the CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!

fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Hey What's Up

Hey, what's up? I'm Seth Greenberg, coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies. You may have heard of this NCAA tournament, whatever that is. I don't care. we didn't make it in. I mean sometimes you wonder if there is a vast conspiracy against us.

Anyway typically people fill out their fancy little brackets to try to predict winners. I just wish there was a more scientific way to do it.

The guys at GRH set up one of their own little brackets. Pffft. It's free and easy to join. I of course won't be participating. in fact I've always been on the bubble for the top three so many years it just sickens me. I mean, I don't want to say there is an agenda against me or Virginia Tech, but it just makes you wonder if someone in the yahoo scoring dept. has it out for me.

Here's what you do. Go to yahoo, make an account if you don't have one.

Go to Tournament Pick' em

Find a league.
League ID=125568

Also be sure to enter a creative bracket name. Because that's really all people care about.

The gang here will give you a prize, typically it's a post telling people how great you are.

Anway, must be nice to play. Just be careful for the "POWERS THAT BE."

The Ballad of Casey

Youtube is gay, watch the video here.

**Update** Reeeeemixxxxxxx

Bullying is a major problem in all schools, especially with the advent of the internet and phone cameras. Usually we see bullies ridiculing a young kid, however sometimes the bullying goes terribly...wrong.

Enter Casey, champion of Wallaby middle school, defender of hope and freedom, and prolific power bomber.

But this video doesn't do our young hero justice. Who is he? Why is he picked on? What pushed him over the edge? Well don't worry dear reader we have our own theories at GRH.

I give you, The Ballad of Casey.


Casey is an 8th grader at Wallaby middle school in Sydney Australia. Known as the smartest kid in his class, Casey devotes most of his time to studying and immersing himslef in arts, music and literature under the watchful eye of his single mother. You see, Casey's mom never wanted him to turn out like his father so they moved to Australia at a young age and she forbade him from playing rough house with other kids, and traditional Aussie sports like football and rugby. As a result of his cultured lifestyle, Casey was constantly picked on by the other boys.

But Casey did have one friend, his next door neighbor Nicole. (girl at the end) Nicole liked Casey because they both had honors classes together, and Casey would usually help Nicole on difficult math problems. Nicole, would tell Casey to not let Ricky (hat) and her on and off again boyfriend A.J (white shirt) bully him so much. Casey would shrug it off saying "I can't." Soon she would learn why.

One night Nicole came over to Casey's house early to get started on their science fair project. Casey's mom wasn't home so she figured he was just sleeping in late on a Saturday. However, when she entered the house she heard strange noises coming from the basement. Being the curious girl she is, Nicole went to investigate. What she saw shocked her. Casey was performing highly skilled martial arts moves, power cleaning bags of cement, and punching holes in the concrete walls. Startled, she made a quiet gasp, which sent Casey across the basement and placing her in a sleeper hold. Realizing what he had done, he apologized and told Nicole his secret.

Casey's father was a government MK-Ultra agent, a secret assassin with super human skills who died in the line of duty. Somehow during Casey's conception, he obtained his father's DNA strands containing those skills. He didn't move to Australia for a change of scenery, it was for his own protection. In kindergarten he jammed a block down a kid's throat, and sat on another's killing him instantly. Unfortunately this alerted his father's old enemies.

During the video, young Casey was explaining Algebra to the two young girls when Ricky and A.J show up. Casey had tried to explain to Nicole that A.J was bad news. (His father was the drug king of Sydney and A.J was his rep for the public schools) Things came to a front when Casey discovered A.J was trying to slip Rufalin into Nicole's Mountain Dew at the valentines dance. Casey threatened A.J, but had to back down. A.J, wanting revenge set his lackey, Ricky to embarrass Casey. As you can see Casey was unphased by the weak punches, however something set him off. Not heard in the video is Ricky whispering "Your father was a pussy." Feeling uncontrollable rage inside him, he picked up Ricky and droped him on the pavement. When A.J intervened, Casey used his years of yoga and meditation to calm himself. Nicole, knowing Casey's power quickly tries to calm A.J, but to no avail. As A.J turns the corner he grabs Casey's backpack. Casey swings the bag, placing the straps around A.J's neck, hanging him from the coat rack, and throwing several blows to the head and torso.

Our scene ends with Casey sitting in ISS. Meanwhile, Sergei Zobakov (An ex KGB) watches the youtube video, and ordering his men to assemble. Miraj Ahman (PLO leader) Clicks a link on his twitter feed and smirks. Juan Montoya (Columbian Revolutionary) sees his troops lauging at a video when he looks his eyes widen. Col. Richard McCrystal (MK-Ultra Handler) is watching a large screen in the command center and says "Get me the President." Finally we see Nicole passing by the ISS room waving to Casey who is in deep meditation, that is until his eyes suddently open.

In a world of chaos, of terrorism, of tsunamis, of hurricanes, and of disaster, it's safe to believe that there are no protectors out there, keeping the world from decending into further turmoil. You'd be wrong.

"We're here to help you. We're here to help."

One global agency has existed since before the inception of recorded history. A selfless legion of protectors who must decide when to avert disaster...and when to let some continue.

"We can't be discovered...if they knew we could make ALL danger go away, the result would be...even more tragic..."

Shrouded in secrecy and devoted to anonymity, this legion would stay intact throughout the ages, carrying on their forefathers' legacies on through their own family lines and generations of children, each taught to keep their powers - powers of great strength, flight, speed, and nigh invulnerability - safely hidden from the rest of mankind.

"We keep even worse things from happening Casey. We can't be discovered. We're here to help."

Until Casey.

"MOM, why can't we keep all bad things from happenin-..."
"NO, there must be some darkness to enjoy the light, and we have the power to..."
"But MY LIFE is nothing but darkness...

One boy who has the power to stop anyone's hurting, including his own, but sworn to protect an vow of secrecy for himself and his family until...


"Do you realize what you've done, son, what you've COMPROMISED?"

From the producers of 'Jumper' and 'Independence Day,'...


Comes the story of a young boy...

"We can't do this any more Casey, you're either with us or against us..."

Who had all of the power in the world...

"You made me a target for bullies...on purpose?!"

To help himself...

"Who would suspect you have the ability to hold up dams, or tackle tornadoes?"

And others...

"It's my LIFE."

Just like him...

"I saw what you did in was...brave..."
"Thanks...and thanks for stopping them from doing anything else..

and just like her...

"IT'S. YOUR. do you think this is going to end, Casey?"

"I saw what you did in was...brave..."

"I don't know...but I have to try..."

(slow mo)Casey lifts the ground to curb an oncoming lava wave
(slow mo) Casey standing in front of family being shot by a gang
(fast motion) Casey flies directly into tsunami wave, reversing its direction with a BOOM


"You can't help all of them. No matter how many you save, they'll hate you for it. You'll still be bullied, or worse, my son."

Casey, flying in mid air, holds hand up to oncoming commercial airliner heading directly for the White House

"That doesn't matter anymore."


...July 4, 2012...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Holy balls the Fab Five 30 for 30 was out of this world. It literally had so many themes to it that I can't even tell what I'm thinking about right now. We make fun of ESPN all the time, but the 30 for 30 has been nothing short of outstanding.

Anyway, other than the actual basketball and the cultural impact, it showed how much money Michigan made off of these kids. The most revealing point was that prior to the Fab Five Michigan had 1.6 Million in Merchandise revenue. After their freshman year? 10.6 million. The merchandise sales always get me because they are never factored into the profits for athletic departments.

It seems like the most pertinent topic at this moment, with Cam Newton pay for play, and the tOSU merchandise situation coming out.

So, for the shit storm, should college athletes be able to make money off of their likeness? Should they be paid in general?

I don't know about paying athletes because that just opens up a whole can of worms, but I've really never had a problem with players selling their merchandise or even their likeness. If you look at tOSU somebody didn't want Terrell Pryor's jersey because it was a tOSU jersey, they wanted it because it was a TP tOSU jersey. That is, TP's play on the field made people want that. I also find it funny that if I buy a standard #2 tOSU jersey there is no name on the back, but if a buy a custom #2 with Pryor on the back I have to pay more money.

That's a real basic way to look at it, but we can hash it out in the comments.

Shit storm begin.

Stan Van Gundy's posse is crazy than yours.

Icehouse is watching the Orlando Magic and Phoenix Suns play the ABC Sunday game. A couple of things have occurred to me. These are the unorganized thoughts that have popped into my head.

-Time Warner Cable is really bad. Like, really bad.

-Vince Carter is a hobo.

-Marcin Gortat wishes he still played on the same team as Dwight Howard.

-Aaron Brooks should be forced to stay within ten feet of Robin Lopez, because they look hilarious next to each other.

-Aaron Brooks should learn how to pass.

-Dwight Howard loves his job.

-Stan Van Gundy is gangster (see photo above).

-I saw a commercial advertising chicken and waffles. My cable cut out towards the end, because Time Warner is really shitty, so if somebody could let me know who is selling chicken and waffles, that would be a big help.

-The Clippers mascot is a rabbit. I am baffled.

-Mike Wilbon is a putz.

-Robin Lopez does nothing except for hack Dwight Howard, which makes him Sideshow Bob, except I hate seeing him on tv.

-Time Warner sucks.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Eric Gordon knows what's up.

Yes. YES. Not a cloud in the sky and Dallas's version of St. Patrick's day is tomorrow. Icehouse gon drank. Icehouse is ready.

Are you? Probably. Let's get to the videos.

First of all, here's the trailer for "Where the Trail Ends."

Somebody took all of Gareth Bale's highlights from his game against defending European Champion Inter Milan and made it into a dope-ass animated video. It's purty.

You like cricket? Do you?

Trailer for the new Travis Rice film, The Art of FLIGHT. They use the same camera technology as Planet Earth and the best snowboarders in the world to make this gorgeousness.

WINNING at Call of Duty. (Warning: Lead-in ad)

Cheerleaders freak out over anything.

Jacob Tucker. Dunk highlight reel. Worth your time.

Blake Griffin makes a Mars Blackmon tape for USC Tight End Jordan Cameron. Except they miss the crucial line. For shame.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

On Professional Basketball Players Playing Worse Than I Would Play Professional Basketball

When I watch a professional athlete perform, I usually have to stand in awe and silent acknowledgement that I could never do what he does. When I see Mr. Pujols drive a ball into the upperdecks, I remember how not far my longest homer ever sailed. The same is true for Peyton Manning flinging a ball 60 yards with a flick of his wrist into a hole the size of a basket.

This acknowledgement is never as profound as it is when I watch NBA basketball. I could practice hitting, or passing, but you can't practice being tall. Even "little" guys like Steve Nash are 6'3" or so. THAT'S TALL, YO.

So you can't imagine my utter disappointment when I see some overgrown sliltish oaf playing basketball at a level under my own. Enter Brad Miller. Enter Disappointment.

Anyone who touches the ball thrice, each time to subsequent disastrous effect, is worse than I am. Even I know when to NOT touch the ball. His time was right after he gave it to Nash. The first time. I can only imagine the diasappointment of those he was also playing with:

Kyle Lowry: "What the hell, BRAD."
Miller: (low grumbling) "Man, I dunno...I just hard...tough loss....guurrrhhhh...tough play."
Aaron Brooks: (slapping Miller's hand away) "No, Brad. The postgame spread is for people who aren't made of fuckup."
Miller: "Real tough los-..."
Chase Buddinger: "Thanks a lot, BRAAAAD."
Miller: "You're welcome? Err...Anyone want to go clubbing?"
Luis Scola: "No, BRAAAAAD."
Miller: "Tough loss."
Again, tough loss. But then again, it could've been less tough if, you know, he hadn't blow the game all single handedly and whatnot.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A word on Heat players crying in the locker room:

Sayeth Black Mamba:

If guys are crying in the locker room, guys are crying in the locker room. That doesn’t mean they’re chumps. That doesn’t mean they’re soft. It doesn’t mean anything.
That's right, everybody. Kobe Bryant is the single rational voice we've heard this week.

Monday, March 7, 2011

A heart to heart with your rival

Hey Cav Man come on in.

Hey can I take your...cape? I know you like wine and cheese so I put a plate out...

Oh, sorry. You know don't worry about it, I trip over that perfectly smooth surface all the time. It's like momma said "You're an idiot if you fuck up something so easy that..."

Well forget that, here let me pour you a glass of a 2006 Artezin Dry Creek Zinfandel.

Yes it's under $20, is that a problem?

It is?

Well here let me offer you some cheese and crackers.

/unwraps Ritz and Laughing Cow packages

Yes uhhhh the cheese is from France.

Anyway Cav Man I wanted to talk to you. I was looking at the internet today and I found something that belongs to you.

Yeah, here's the thing. First off the video does a great job of depicting UVA. The mountain hard weare, the khakis, preppy brunettes drinking out of solo cups, the inability to connect on a high five. That is UVA, great job on the accuracy. It's just that...

Yes, people think this is stupid. You know a lot of people have this problem. A rap video always seems like a good idea but it never...

Well this wasn't your first time. I've seen a pattern.

You know, addiction is a problem we all face. For example I love beating the shit out of you in football every year and making fun of Lacrosse. You love making videos that make you look like cake eaters.

Well that's the problem, you don't think it affects anyone else, but it really does. I...I just can't make fun of you right now. I know we've had our good times. I mean, we beat you in football every year, you do well in other sports like lacrosse and soccer, which are super cool by the way. You screw up our chances of making the NCAA tournament, and your team doctors try to trip our players.

Don't worry about that dent in your BMW, you know daddy will pay for it.

But now? It's just not the same. Look, you have a great University. You're smart, you're well prepared for any type of mountaineering. You exit games at appropriate times to avoid traffic congestion. Your University was founded by Thomas Jefferson. You have a Rotunda...which is cool.

Oh, don't cry, hey it's ok we all have tough times in our life. Hey pick yourself up and get out there. I know deep down inside you have what it takes to be respectable. Got get em!

/Smack on the ass
//WVU Mountaineer appears from closet.

Mountaineer They aren't going to make it are they?

Lattimer: I've never seen them this low.

Mountaineer: So same agreement?

Lattimer: (Sigh) Yeah, go fuck yourself

Mountaineer: Eat shit
/sets couch on fire

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This has been floating around the internet for a while now, but I felt like it needed some air time on GRH. I love everything about this kid, from his bushwacker strut all the way to his leg craddling ability. Reminds me of my prestigious pee wee wrestling career.

I love youth sports. Main reason is that there is always some kid who is just head and shoulders better than everyone else and dominates the scene. Most of these kids just develop faster than everyone else, but you also have that rare kid who's an athletic freak who also possess skill not seen at that age. Like this kid.

I played with one of those types growing up. Let's call him Nate. In 7th and 8th grade I played in a private junior football program who played all of the big St. Louis city schools. We had three teams and I was drafted to play on Nate's team, the Vikings. Now, Nate played in our program because he was not "allowed" to play for his school due to some legal issues. However Nate was easily the best player in the league.

He was our running back and middle linebacker. If you want to make comparisons to famous players he was like St. Louis' Marcus Dupree. In 8th grade he was 5'9 195 with a guesstimated body fat percentage of 7. Even better, he had an attitude to go with his skills.

Nate had a lot of stories, but the one I remember best was when we had to weigh in. All the teams in the league were there and it was basically a big cattle call. Two teams, Hazelwood East and West were some of the favorites to win the city title, so naturally they were talking trash the whole time. It was their turn to get weighed and when the first guy from Hazelwood stepped up, Nate stripped down, walked up in his compression shorts and Timberlands, stepped on the scale, and got weighed in. For an 8th grader it was the most bad ass thing I ever saw.

Here are some other highlights from his career.

-Breaking a helmet from someone too hard.

-Giving the middle finger to a ref.

-Middle school Ho train at games

-Middle school Ho train at practice

-Bringing fist packs to the awards banquet in case other teams "said shit"

-Wearing John Randle face paint.

-Getting kicked out of the championship game after the first play because he started a fight with the entire sideline and gave the opposing coach the cutthroat sign.

As you can tell, nate was awesome. Coming home from a game my dad told me "You know Nate only touched the ball 5 times...I don't think he ever got tackled" We then came to the conclusion that we'd read about Nate someday. It would either be in the sports page or the police blotter.

Anyway for the shit storm, best pee wee stories, or other impressive highlight videos.


Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

The combine is sadly more useless than usual.


Ok. Got that out of the system. Woo. WOO. It's March. Spring has sprung. It's time to get down. First things first, update the old voicemail.

Secondly, watch some Internet videos.

Seriously, Americans should learn other languages.

Jetpack + skis = one more reason cross-country skiing is gay.

In soccer, if a player on the other team gets hurt for real, you kick the ball out of bounds so that guy can get help. It is considered common courtesy to give the ball back afterwards, and extremely bad form if you don't. In Italy, it is cause for a match-ending sissy fight.

Chamillionaire has a story about Michael Jordan. It behooves us to listen.

Icehouse likes riding his bike. This guy totally sucks and it's a good thing that the cops caught him. Nobody wants to go to jail in Brazil. NOBODY.

And of course, the NFL's most modern tradition: Rich Eisen's 40 yard dash.

Ok. Go outside. Eat, drink and be merry.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Charlie Sheen Will Get You Amped

Ok, quick recap:

Image via Warming Glow
By now, Charlie Sheen an his antics have been crammed into your brain because a famous person going on tv and flipping their shit in a drug-addled haze is somehow different than the guy at the bus stop around the corner flipping his shit in a drug-addled haze. Then again, the guy on the street corner hates on clouds instead of bedding porn stars. So Charlie's got him there.

Icehouse would like to take this opportunity to state that Platoon, Wall Street, the Major League Series and the Hot Shots! series were all vital to his upbringing, and remain essential to any home video collection and discussion of fine cinema, regardless of how much bunghole his current show eats.

So while there have been many memes with his quotes, the GRH team gives you: Charlie Sheen, SPORTS.

Pete Carroll's was easy enough to get started with.

Phil Jackson.

And on with the show...

That was fun. Good work, team.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A Disturbing Trend in Higher Education

I recently attempted to give advice to the college students in America concerning the topic of college rap/pop videos.

apparently nobody listens to me, however there is another, perhaps more severe, issue facing higher education in America.

The Lip Dub

/rubs temples

Evidently the latest craze is to essentially lip sync a song, while walking through an environment. The goal is for the video to seem spontaneous, yet it is highly choreographed and organized.

An example from Xavier University.

I'll give credit, I like the Rabbi on a Catholic campus, however it seems that everyone at Xavier has failed walking backward 101, coolness 202, and Freshman seminar: When not to make it rain.

Also. Only 5 from the dance squad? Were the other 10 screwing the basketball team?

Next UVA

That's so typical. Why doesn't this surprise me? Where do I even begin? The execution was off, nothing inherently funny about it, not even in an ironic way.

Bias aside, this was just horrible.

It was so bad that I'm not even going to send it to VT friends. Part of a rivalry is having some semblance of competition between two schools. This...this would just be too devastating to overcome. Trust me, it's best if we keep this our little secret.

Here's more examples from Boston, Seton Hall, and Lehigh there's probably a lot more, but quite frankly I can't stand to watch them.

Look I get these are all about school spirit. Fine. I'm not against it. But we all have school spirit. I think most people enjoyed their college experience, so I'm sorry, your school isn't any better than mine or anyone else's. Your school may be unique in some way, but again every school is unique. That's why kids go to them, they fit their needs. So while you may love your wonderful family atmosphere, someone else may want to get ripped and not go to class. To each their own.

However, I fear these videos a false impression of what college is like. Sure, these videos have some truth to them. Girls will walk around in uggs and galoshes. Many will rep their frat or sorority. And yes, you will have guys walking around in ironic shirts or banana costumes in order to draw attention to themselves. But not everyone is like that. I swear. College can be fun without making lip dub videos. And that's the thing. Colleges have a club or organization for everything. EVERYTHING. You'll find your niche, whether it's heavy drinking, chess, or saving the world. If you're into lip dubbing? Well, they obviously have that for you too.

Now, I'm not all negative. I'm here to help you. I'll give you an example of a decent lip dub.

First off, this is From Emmerson. Emmerson is a four year Performing arts college, which is a trump card in this situation. If you are a drama/performing arts kid disregard everything I've just said. Why? Performing arts kids are typically pretty cool, and this is also their job.

you can see the professionalism in this video. It has a story line with the girl trying to find her way and seeing all the wonders of Emmerson. (I appreciate the creativity in an otherwise bland genre). The cinematography is second to none, and the choreography and acting is to be respected.(Note: The drama trump card is in play for the quidditch portion as well)

But like I said, this is what they do. I don't roll into the Science building and start performing experiments and shit. Science kids do that.

Anyway, if you MUST make a video about your college. May I suggest using a simple montage? Sports teams have been using this for years to great effect. It shows ACTUAL things that ACTUALLY happen. Second, use a cool song. I get Dynamite is appealing to you, but there are a lot of people who hate that song. And as always make it funny or creative on some level.

My biggest fear is that at some point my alma mater will make a stupid music video or even worse I'll be in one. On some level I know it's going to happen. And in that moment all my respect and my reputation that I had worked on for some many years will go up in flames. Like dynamite.

GRH Art Gallery: Wolfpack Edition

[Click to set mood]

Good evening. Tonight's enterlightenment comes from a young man in North Carolina with the wit of Wilde and boner of Emily Dickinson. I'm sorry, I should have said the "libido of Emily Dickinson."

What's that? She was a shut in?

Well she probably... you know... hey, YOU'RE GROSS. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is an Art Gallery for pete's sake!

Sorry to lose my cool there, everyone. May I improve the mood with some wine and cheese?

[Icehouse snaps fingers]

[Lattimer produces box of Franzia and can of EZ Cheez]

Moving on. The prose of this young man is magnificent. It is like looking into the brain of Hawthorne and thinking to yourself, "shit yeah sew that letter on my clothes, this is some straight naughtysauce."

Which of course is how Hawthorne really spoke. Don't believe me? Fine, Bing that shit, see if I care.

Anyway, allow me to quote from the latest to join our pantheon of artists. Open your brain to the words of young CJ Leslie, forward for North Carolina State.

"She Finally Came"

she was hesitant...
about the lack of time we spent.
she said, "i barely know you,
i'm kinda sick."
i said "calm down
... only as friends."
i waited it out,
and tried it again.
this time only to find out
that we had work til 10!
where did I go wrong?
just tryna find a beneficial friend...
i'm starting to think these excuses
other men...
the next time she cancelled,
it was for an emergency.
this chick is really avoiding me...
then i got a text.
she finally came.
and over, and over, and over...
Splendid. Magnificent. Beautiful. These lyrics are breathtaking. Note the use of colloquialisms, the alternation in capitalization practices. The references to modern technology in a pursuit as primal as a hobo caveman fighting a sabre-toothed tiger for the rights to chill in a cave.