Monday Morning S--t Storm

I know I've been gone for a while, but every shit stormer needs their own walk about as it were. While I was gone I've been doing things like podcasting, analyzing the offensive tendencies of 14-18 year olds, and I've joined a protest or two. Today I'm protesting work, you can follow me on twitter at #occupylattimerscouch

However, I have had some time to pursue my 7th favorite past time which is watching TV. During one of my sessions, I wondered why there weren't more TV shows centered around sports? I kind of felt like some of the humor and drama was already there, and the writers could also address some of the issues facing the sport.

To be sure, we've had shows like that. Playmakers was probably the first I can remember. The show really addressed the dark side of professional football, and it's cancellation coincides with ESPN's transition from a 20 something bachelor into a suit wearing company man.


I'm sure you all know about Friday Night Lights. (the TV show)It was fun and all. Icehouse was an extra, but let's be honest. FNL was essentially Glee for jocks.


As you can see these two great TV shows follow the same path of most sports TV shows and movies. They just blatantly throw stereotypes and issues right in your face and lack an accurate portrayal of the games. The quick and easy solution to this dilemma is fairly clear, but unfortunately David Simon is busy right now.

So our job for the shit storm is to get together and create a sports drama. In the spirit of the shit storm's triumphant return I say we work together on this one. Someone start off with a sport, and we'll just brainstorm from there.

Shit storm begin.

TRIPLE PLAY!

What's the verdict on this? Obviously, the baserunners from the Omaham Storm Chasers (lol) look like doofuses (doofi?). Now, Nashville Sounds (awful name) center fielder Logan Schafer did a great job of tracking the ball down, but he probably should have caught it on the first go-round, and not off of his noggin.

I think the real winner here is the Sounds' manager. Because his name is Don Money.

So you can shit storm if you want about why this play is brilliant/dubious. Or about favorite triple plays. Or whatever.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I don't think we've ever done this before.

Shitstorm is favorite female athlete.


My favorite is obviously, Jackie Joyner Kersee. I met her once, she told me good luck with football, and she won my undying devotion.

Your turn, go.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Yesterday I was running some errands when I saw several kids "planking." Then this morning I wake up and read that "owling" is the new craze. I don't understand it, but if perching like an Owl floats your boat then by all means, Owl away.
http://i2.squidoocdn.com/resize/squidoo_images/-1/lens18141519_1310457159owling-meme.jpg

So for this shit storm we're going to come up with the new photo craze. I nominate "rocking" where you just curl up like a rock or boulder in public spaces. Begin.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

The 4th of July? On a Monday?

Why it's a GRH MIRACLE!!!

I love the 4th so much. I recently interacted with some Brits in the past several weeks. Long story short we got to explaining cultural differences, and the 4th came up. After explaining that we have a holiday celebrating the giant middle finger we gave to their country, I explained that the 4th was Food, Beer, and Explosions.

I live in a pussy firework state that only sells pussy fireworks. To be honest with you it's not even worth shooting the bullshit they sell. So I have to relive my youth through watching youtube videos of people being awesome with fireworks.



The shit storm is to send us awesome firework videos from youtube or something captured on your own.

Godspeed.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Well this happened

(well played Japan)

Obviously this is great, however it begs the question. What other sporting events could we pit professionals and 100 kids against each other?

You would think football, and I'd agree with you, but this is what I'm thinking. We have 100 kids in a skate park trying to skate(all at the same time) against Tony Hawk.

It would be a confined park for comedic purposes, but I just really want to see him plow through 100 kids then do a 900 then do some ollie of their head. That would be fun right?

Shit storm begin

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I have a strong affection for gym class. Some of you may have horrifying stories, or your teacher was a dick, but I've had nothing but positive experiences learning about physical education.

When I was real young it was kind of stupid. We did all that parachute bullshit, but it was still a break from learning cursive.

Then, in 4th grade everything changed. I got a gym teacher who didn't give two shits about actual teaching and let us just ball out of control. I'm talking basketball, pickleball, bombardment, powerball, team hand ball, and floor hockey every day.

In high school it got even better. Our teacher was so relaxed that during my free periods I'd walk into a freshman class and either hang out or join in a game.

I feel like we need to recognize our favorite games, so for this shit storm select your favorite PE game.

My selection has to be floor hockey. I love that game so much. In fact, now I'm going to start googling local floor hockey leagues.


Shit storm begin

Monday Morning Shit Storm

ALRIGHT JABRONIES, LISTEN UP.

We're going to make this one short and sweet, so I'm only going to say this ONCE.

Pick any sport and give it a new position. Describe how it would affect the sport and give some particulars on said position. Don't be a douche bag about this.

My pick: I want one guy on each soccer team who can pick the ball up and run it, like in rugby. Let's call him the boulder. This man will be allowed to run unfettered, although be heavily padded, as hand ball rules will still be strictly enforced, and he will incur many a-cleats to his person. It will still behoove the rest of the team to kick it around and shit, but adds a wild card element to the whole thing. "LOOGIT THIS CRAZY GUY JUST SNAGGING IT OUT OF THE AIR AND RUNNING LIKE THE SWEATY-TOOTHED MADMAN HE IS!"

It also has an element of the Seeker from Quidditch in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. So that's dope.

Shit storm: COMMENCE.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

In our final segment of Lattimer ran out of ideas writer shit storm we have a submission from Stovall.

I'll keep it simple

Athletes who look like rock stars. No, not the "Albert Pujols looks like a god" type of rockstar, More of the "The catcher from Angels in the Outfield* looks literally like Meatloaf.

My Submission is an oldie but goodie.

Ryan Franklin=James Hetfield.






*Terrible Movie

Commence the storming.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Our first fellow writer commenter suggestion comes from Icehouse. As you can see above Spiderman is competing in an athletic event.

Ok fine, Sports Entertainment. It's still real to me dammit!

Anyway, the clip does bring out an interesting question. How would comic book characters fare in athletic competition?


The answer is that they would obviously be badass and set all sorts of records, but which sport would really fit their outrageous abilities. Obviously there are some natural fits such as Aquaman (Yo Vinny that shit is dope) and The Flash. But I honestly have no clue where I would put the X-Men. They would just kill everyone, right? I know what your thinking, and yes, there is no wrong answer to this shit storm. Spiderman playing golf? I mean...sure, that makes sense.

We already have a precedent with Brian Dawkins/Wolverine/Weapon X

But yeah, any comic book hero or villan, and if you pick a team sport please give a position.

My Selection;
THE HULK at Noseguard for football.


Perfect attitude and size. He can not only soak up, but also defeat double teams to allow my superhero linebackers to roam freely and kill the ball carrier. Literally.

"Oh but Lattimer how will you make him THE HULK and not Bruce Banner?"

Simple, I hire John Henderson as my D-line coach.

Shit Storm ASSEMBLE!!!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Holy balls the Fab Five 30 for 30 was out of this world. It literally had so many themes to it that I can't even tell what I'm thinking about right now. We make fun of ESPN all the time, but the 30 for 30 has been nothing short of outstanding.

Anyway, other than the actual basketball and the cultural impact, it showed how much money Michigan made off of these kids. The most revealing point was that prior to the Fab Five Michigan had 1.6 Million in Merchandise revenue. After their freshman year? 10.6 million. The merchandise sales always get me because they are never factored into the profits for athletic departments.

It seems like the most pertinent topic at this moment, with Cam Newton pay for play, and the tOSU merchandise situation coming out.

So, for the shit storm, should college athletes be able to make money off of their likeness? Should they be paid in general?

I don't know about paying athletes because that just opens up a whole can of worms, but I've really never had a problem with players selling their merchandise or even their likeness. If you look at tOSU somebody didn't want Terrell Pryor's jersey because it was a tOSU jersey, they wanted it because it was a TP tOSU jersey. That is, TP's play on the field made people want that. I also find it funny that if I buy a standard #2 tOSU jersey there is no name on the back, but if a buy a custom #2 with Pryor on the back I have to pay more money.

That's a real basic way to look at it, but we can hash it out in the comments.

Shit storm begin.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Oscars happened last night so it only seems proper to address our specialty.

Sports Movies

We've debated the greatest movies of all time, the shitiness of "The Replacements" as well as some of our favorite characters. Today we face one of the toughest tasks known to mankind.

Creating a baseball roster from fictional movie characters.

I'll be honest, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done on the shit storm. Knowing baseball movies there are sure to be some strong disagreements.

First some ground rules.

Only fictional characters. It would be too easy to pick Ozzie Smith in "The Scout" or Ken Griffey Jr. in Little big league. Also important to note that you can't have an actor playing a character. So Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Shoe less Joe, Lou Gherig, and Marris are all out.

We're looking at actual performance in the movie, however the shiftiness of the movie will also come into play.

Do your best to keep positions true to their movies, however, you can make some changes with a proper defense of your position change.

The Lineup:

1. CF Willie Mays Hayes "Major League"
-Prototypical lead off man with above average defensive skills.

2. LF Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez "The Sandlot"
-As you know Benny played every position so we can put him anywhere. That versatility combined with his 5 tool skills is perfect for a dangerous 2 hole player
3. RF Roy Hobbs "The Natural"
-Goes without saying, but the best natural hitter in the game. He's the type of guy we want to come up in the first inning every game. Will probably post an OPS above 1.10

4. 1B Casey "Casey at he Bat"
-A surprise here, I know. But I'm not the best baseball movie GM for nothing. Casey brings power, pure raw power. I don't have official stats in front of me, but I'm assuming he can also hit for a decent average. Their are concerns about his ability to hit in the clutch, but I have a plan for that.

(At this point I'll have you notice that I have a L,R,S,R 1-4)

5. C Dottie Hinson "A league of Their Own"
-This was probably the hardest position to pick. I'll justify myself here. Crash Davis is a power hitter, but he's really past his prime. Ham "The Great Hambino" Porter is still a young prospect, and Jack Parkman is simple too much of a cancer. Dottie brings the solid leadership to the table, as well as being an above average hitter.

6. 3B Roger Dorn "Major League"
-Tough call here. Dorn is most likely that average vet I'll be replacing soon.

7. SS Yeah Yeah "The Sandlot"
-More of a defensive value here. Concerns about performance enhancing drugs.

8. Pitcher
-Using the LaRussa style to put a lead off hitter in the 9 spot. Plus the DH is gay.

9. 2B Mickey Scales "Little Big League"
-Much more of a defensive value, but can add some valued speed to the bottom of the lineup.

Pitching Staff:
1. Ebby "Nuke" LaLoosh "Bull Durham"
-Young prospect, solid 3 pitches, has matured in recent years.

2.Steve Nebraska "The Scout"
-Fastball tops out over 100, provides added value at the plate for a NL team.

3. Henry Baumgartner "Rookie of the Year"
-Again, fastball tops out at over 100. Arm/Elbow troubles are an issue.

4. Kenny DeNunez "The Sandlot'
-Above Average fastball, tends to hang off speed pitches.

5. Amanda Wurlitzer "The Bad News Bears"
-Great command, ability to throw 100 plus innings.

Swing starters/Long Relief:

Mel Clark "Angels in the outfield"
-Worthless swing starter

Eddie Harris "Major League"
-Crafty Veteran

Middle Relief:

Carlton "Doc" Windgate "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Junk ball specialist

Kit Keller "A league of Their Own"
-Has good tools, needs to show more command of her pitches

Montgomery Brewster "Brewsters Millions"
-Could also fill in as swing starter/Long relief

Late Relief:
Setup: John Blackout Gatling "Little Big League"
-Powerful late inning guy

Closer
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn "Major League"
-Premiere closer in the game

Bench:

OF Taka Tanaka "Major League 2"
-late inning defensive sub/Spot starter

Util Kelly Leak "Bad News Bears"
-Originally drafted as an OF, his athleticism allows him to project to any position. His above average bat has him challenging yeah yeah for the SS position

1B/OF Pedro Cerano "Major League"
-LH power hitter, who can replace Casey in late inning situations

OF Downtown Anderson "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Line drive hitting prospect

1B/3B Lou Collins "Little Big League"
-Looks to change positions and challenge Dorn for the starting 3B job.

C Ham Porter "The Sandlot"
-Power hitting, shit talking back up.

Coaches:
Manager Lou Brown "Major League"
-Strong skipper who can handle the various personalities

Bench Coach Billy Heywood "Little Big League"
-Sabermetric expert will compliment Brown's weaknesses

1B coach Phil Brickman "Rookie of the Year"
-High Energy motivator


3B Larry Hockett "Bull Durham"
-Obligatory


Hitting Crash Davis "Bull Durham"
-Past his prime, but still knows the physical and mental aspects of hitting

Pitching Chet Steadman "Rookie of the Year"
-Crafty vet, with valuable insight for young pitchers

Bull Pen Jake Taylor
-Smart vet who knows what to tell pitchers in certain game situations

So there's my list, include your lineup/critiques in the comments.

Begin

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

So the Super Bowl happened and it was a really good game. You had a big lead, some key injuries, dropped passes, a comeback, intrigue, guts, all that crap. It was good stuff.

But of course, this isn't what you're lead to believe you need to be talking about today.

Did you HEAR Christina Aguilera's butchering of the National Anthem? That Vader commercial I saw online last week was UPROARIOUS! THAT MOVIE LOOKS PRETTY OKAY! I didn't know the Black Eyed Peas could sing and dance?! THAT WAS PRETTY OKAY TOO!

The Super Bowl is remarkable in that if there weren't a football game going on, you'd still get about half the viewing audience. People who don't care about football - AND THERE ARE SEVERAL - still watch it, and tell the same tired "Why is this football game getting in the way of my commercials? Oh, Carol in the office and I are JUST A HOOT! WE SAID THAT LIKE EIGHT TIMES THIS WEEK IN THE OFFICE! YEAH, CAROL WORKS WITH ME!"

So this is a free range poopscapade today: Best/Most Agreeable Football Distraction, Worst/Least Agreeable Football Distraction, best off the field moment, worst off the field moment, etc. etc. Basically, what was your least or most favorite part of yesterday other than the football.

Because if you're reading this website, I likely already know what you thought of the game, as most of it is due to empirical facts, like completion percentages and turnover margins.

Mine? This joke: "Brett Favre's penis is rolling over in its cave right now." Thank you, Fabrice Fabrice.

Silver Medal: Casey Matthews having a Championship Belt made for Rodgers before the game. Most would've called that a jinx.

Bronze Medal: People flipping out about the Kardashian Sketchers ShapeUps commercial. I say "people" but I mean the uberconservative Bible Belt types I grew up with and have somehow become Facebook friends with. To them I say HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit storm! Commence!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Via

It seems that some witty bar made a LOL on the behalf of Lindsay Lohan, which got me thinking.

Athletes need their own cocktails. It almost makes too much sense. So for this shit storm, we're going to make our own little athlete coacktail menu. I'll kick it off with the signature drink.

The Lawrence Taylor.

12 ounce tumbler
12 ounces Jack Daniels whiskey.
Rim glass with Cocaine.
Serve.

Note: Can be served on the rocks, if the rocks are crack rocks.

God this is awesome, I can't wait to open my athlete themed cocktail bar.

Who's with me? Cmon hoooo!

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Wooo! Icehouse is at work, and nobody else is, meaning I'm going to post something that only I will read. Hope everybody's having fun today. At noon, I'm going to put the Grizz game on the TV in our office. I give it 8 minutes before the boss makes me change it back to Fox News. Super.

Anyway. Shit storm time. You probably watched the Pats/Jets game last night. It was great. One thing about it, though, was the fans. Sure, the Foxborough faithful had their normal assortment of ugly chicks and guys in brightly-colored tricorner hats, but there was a much more douchier brand of asshat last night.



Yep. Those guys. The kind of fan that mocks something complete peripheral to the game. "Hey! You've got a foot fetish! That makes me better than you!" People talk about the lack of class the Jets fans have, with good reason. But I didn't see any Jets fans in any of the three meeting this year with a sign that said "Bill Belichick is an adulterous asshole" or "Tom Brady is an absent father" or "Brandon Spikes does steroids and makes sex tapes."

I find it extremely lame when fans resort to off-the-field issues for their smack talk. "I'm going to knock you out" just resonates more with me than "your marriage is in trouble." Furthermore, it's always the stupidest loudmouth fuckwads that resort to it, probably because they don't know shit about sports in the first place.

So my question is, what is your least favorite famous fan or fan activity? Hate Fireman Ed? Cool. Hate the Saints' Moses? Ok, kinda weird, but whatever. My least favorite is the celebrities that use games as a way to get noticed. Jack Nicholson is a big-time fan, and a million kinds of awesome, so he's not the kind of person I'm talking about. Spike Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, they're all OK. I hate Dane Cook and Billy Crystal's guts, but they're still big fans, and are always supporting their teams. No, it's the fucking wieners that only show up when there's cameras around.


Personally, I'm a little baffled the Staples Center management lets farm animals into the arena.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Tonight is the BCS Mythical National Championship, you may have heard about this.

Instead of making predictions on who will win, today we'll pick teams and present an argument on WHY that team SHOULD win.

I'm picking Auburn. Why? Well first of all we have the whole Under Armour Vs. Nike thing.


BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHM (SYMBOLISM) BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHM

But honestly with the insane amount of money Phil Knight has given to Oregon, I want the world to know that you can't buy a championsh.....Oh wait.

That's the next reason I wan't Auburn to win. I wan't the hypocrisy of the NCAA on full display to the world. Furthermore, seeing Auburn win would cause a moral and ethical dilemma for everyone in the SEC. Do you want to Chant SEC (west) SEC (west) knowing full well Cam was signed sealed and delivered. Do you hope for the vacated wins later on so you can still use the "we beat you on the field" argument? Can you handle a year of Auburn Fans gloating every chance they get?

watching this would be like watching a sick psych experiment.

Ok, let's hear your reasoning.


Begin.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This isn't a particularly interesting video, however the narrator/filmer makes it so so awesome.

The guy does a great job of filming all the action and telling us exactly how "fucking" stupid people are for trying to drive up this hill.

Yet, he never once helps ANYBODY in this situation, even though he knows exactly what to do. Which got me wondering. How would you react in a low level crisis?

I know that I love bailing out people in snow storms. "Oh you're stuck at the library, sure I'll ride over with my 4X4 and shovel of freedom...the complimentary hot chocolate is on me" However, the sheer stupidity and chaos of this situation is oh so intriguing.

So what do you do? Captain America? Steven SpeilberG? Or the crazy lady who stares out her window and calls the police in anything is remotely out of order?

Alternate option. Best thing to do during a snowpocolypse. My choice is driving. Anywhere. That or snow forts, snow forts rule.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Pretty cool huh?

Well it was, however this just goes to show why special teams in football is the most underrated aspect of the game.

Honestly, I think 75% of the time something awesome happens on special teams.

Just this play alone we have a fumble, turbo boost, punter flop, a kill shot, and a returner with developmental delays running out of real estate before he can decide on a proper celebration.

ALL WITHIN THE SPAN OF 15-20 SECONDS!!!

So for the shit storm, give us the most underrated aspect of sports.

GO GO GO

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Today we are going to examine athlete/celebrity look a likes.

I realize that athletes ARE technically celebrities, but play along with me.

This has been bothering me for weeks, but I can't get over the fact that Brent Celek looks like an athletic Napoleon Dynamite.







Just listen to him.



Gahhhhhhhhh.

So for the shit storm let's get some athlete look alike's.

Begin.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I'm sure you've all seen this.


Evidently, some Norwegians do this show about old stars who affected some young Norwegian. I especially like the Alberto Tomba appearance.


/hand gestures

Anyway for this shit storm let's remember some of the one hit wonder sports stars of the world.
My first selection is Tommy Frazier.

I hate Nebraska, but Tommy Frazier was amazing, especially as a 12 year old kid. After his college career all I knew was that he played a couple years in the CFL, similar to all other Nebraska QB's

Shit storm begin