Sunday, February 27, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Oscars happened last night so it only seems proper to address our specialty.

Sports Movies

We've debated the greatest movies of all time, the shitiness of "The Replacements" as well as some of our favorite characters. Today we face one of the toughest tasks known to mankind.

Creating a baseball roster from fictional movie characters.

I'll be honest, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done on the shit storm. Knowing baseball movies there are sure to be some strong disagreements.

First some ground rules.

Only fictional characters. It would be too easy to pick Ozzie Smith in "The Scout" or Ken Griffey Jr. in Little big league. Also important to note that you can't have an actor playing a character. So Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Shoe less Joe, Lou Gherig, and Marris are all out.

We're looking at actual performance in the movie, however the shiftiness of the movie will also come into play.

Do your best to keep positions true to their movies, however, you can make some changes with a proper defense of your position change.

The Lineup:

1. CF Willie Mays Hayes "Major League"
-Prototypical lead off man with above average defensive skills.

2. LF Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez "The Sandlot"
-As you know Benny played every position so we can put him anywhere. That versatility combined with his 5 tool skills is perfect for a dangerous 2 hole player
3. RF Roy Hobbs "The Natural"
-Goes without saying, but the best natural hitter in the game. He's the type of guy we want to come up in the first inning every game. Will probably post an OPS above 1.10

4. 1B Casey "Casey at he Bat"
-A surprise here, I know. But I'm not the best baseball movie GM for nothing. Casey brings power, pure raw power. I don't have official stats in front of me, but I'm assuming he can also hit for a decent average. Their are concerns about his ability to hit in the clutch, but I have a plan for that.

(At this point I'll have you notice that I have a L,R,S,R 1-4)

5. C Dottie Hinson "A league of Their Own"
-This was probably the hardest position to pick. I'll justify myself here. Crash Davis is a power hitter, but he's really past his prime. Ham "The Great Hambino" Porter is still a young prospect, and Jack Parkman is simple too much of a cancer. Dottie brings the solid leadership to the table, as well as being an above average hitter.

6. 3B Roger Dorn "Major League"
-Tough call here. Dorn is most likely that average vet I'll be replacing soon.

7. SS Yeah Yeah "The Sandlot"
-More of a defensive value here. Concerns about performance enhancing drugs.

8. Pitcher
-Using the LaRussa style to put a lead off hitter in the 9 spot. Plus the DH is gay.

9. 2B Mickey Scales "Little Big League"
-Much more of a defensive value, but can add some valued speed to the bottom of the lineup.

Pitching Staff:
1. Ebby "Nuke" LaLoosh "Bull Durham"
-Young prospect, solid 3 pitches, has matured in recent years.

2.Steve Nebraska "The Scout"
-Fastball tops out over 100, provides added value at the plate for a NL team.

3. Henry Baumgartner "Rookie of the Year"
-Again, fastball tops out at over 100. Arm/Elbow troubles are an issue.

4. Kenny DeNunez "The Sandlot'
-Above Average fastball, tends to hang off speed pitches.

5. Amanda Wurlitzer "The Bad News Bears"
-Great command, ability to throw 100 plus innings.

Swing starters/Long Relief:

Mel Clark "Angels in the outfield"
-Worthless swing starter

Eddie Harris "Major League"
-Crafty Veteran

Middle Relief:

Carlton "Doc" Windgate "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Junk ball specialist

Kit Keller "A league of Their Own"
-Has good tools, needs to show more command of her pitches

Montgomery Brewster "Brewsters Millions"
-Could also fill in as swing starter/Long relief

Late Relief:
Setup: John Blackout Gatling "Little Big League"
-Powerful late inning guy

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn "Major League"
-Premiere closer in the game


OF Taka Tanaka "Major League 2"
-late inning defensive sub/Spot starter

Util Kelly Leak "Bad News Bears"
-Originally drafted as an OF, his athleticism allows him to project to any position. His above average bat has him challenging yeah yeah for the SS position

1B/OF Pedro Cerano "Major League"
-LH power hitter, who can replace Casey in late inning situations

OF Downtown Anderson "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Line drive hitting prospect

1B/3B Lou Collins "Little Big League"
-Looks to change positions and challenge Dorn for the starting 3B job.

C Ham Porter "The Sandlot"
-Power hitting, shit talking back up.

Manager Lou Brown "Major League"
-Strong skipper who can handle the various personalities

Bench Coach Billy Heywood "Little Big League"
-Sabermetric expert will compliment Brown's weaknesses

1B coach Phil Brickman "Rookie of the Year"
-High Energy motivator

3B Larry Hockett "Bull Durham"

Hitting Crash Davis "Bull Durham"
-Past his prime, but still knows the physical and mental aspects of hitting

Pitching Chet Steadman "Rookie of the Year"
-Crafty vet, with valuable insight for young pitchers

Bull Pen Jake Taylor
-Smart vet who knows what to tell pitchers in certain game situations

So there's my list, include your lineup/critiques in the comments.



  1. Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn as our closer.


  2. Kenny "La Flama Blanca" Powers as our closer.


  3. Mel Clark's the only representative from "Angels in the Outfield?" FALSE. At least get George Knox in there to coach up some catchers and make sure everyone's minding the fundamentals and watching their language.

  4. I thought I was being nice including at least one player from the worse baseball movie to ever grace the big screen.

    But If you like Illegal performance enhancement for your players, by all means choose some of those clowns.

  5. Jose from Bull Durham. He turns a great double play when his glove isn't cursed by an ex-girlfriend. The curses demand a live rooster be sacrificed to lift them.

    Not really sure where he fits into this lineup, I just don't think we have enough ritual animal sacrifices on this team.

  6. Yeah I had thought about Jose and Valderamma from Summer catch. My reasoning was that Jose didnt have the base running skills of scales and summer catch is a gay movie.

    Oh, and we'll have James Earl Jones as our beat writer.

  7. What do you guys think about the douchey rich kid from The Sandlot?

    I have a feeling that every good team needs one asshole pitcher.


  8. I was thinking about the asshole pitcher rule. But on the other hand, we decided not to have Jake Parkman because he's an asshole, plus we already do have Rick Vaughn and Kenny Powers. That's a lot of assholery.

  9. The Third Baseman from Brewster's Millions is pretty lockdown on the hot corner.

    /he has a diving catch
    //yes, you only see him for 2 seconds

  10. If you really want more of Angels in the Outfield (for whatever reason), we should put Whitt Bass in our bullpen. Because he's played by Neal McDonough, and I can't choose Buck Compton, because that's a real person.

  11. Here's what we'll do. We can't have two AITO players so we'll drop Mel Clark and add Whitt Bass.

    Also, the manager was probably the second toughest. It came down to Lou and Jimmy Dugan from A league of their own. Both personalities were too big to have them both.

  12. "The Whammer" from The natural was also in contention for the 1B/4 hitter spot.

  13. No Clu Haywood from Major League? He does, after all, lead the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair.

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