Wednesday, December 30, 2009
First off I don't really want to debate what went down today. Everyone has their opinions, but I will say a couple things. First, Leach wasn't fired for this singular incident. Leach and the administration has had a rocky relationship from the start. This was just a good excuse to get him out of his contract. Second, nobody REALLY knows what went down at TT except the individuals associated with the TT football program so should Leach have done what he did? Probably not. Is Adam James a "my daddy diva?" Most likely. Finally, I find it a little disturbing that the alleged father was an analyst for the most powerful sports media conglomerate in the world and we have him giving exclusive interviews on the matter. Adding on to that we have other analysts (used loosely) saying "Well Craig is my friend and such a good guy, but you have to wonder what Leach is thinking and when serious consequences will come down." But I guess that's what happens when you hire dumb jocks instead of professional journalists. AND if James is such a stand up guy why didn't he go and talk to Leach himself like a real man would do?
Fuck it I'm over it.
I remember many moons ago I started paying attention to an Oklahoma team led by a goober of a QB, Josh Huepel. Yet this goober and this team was putting up some insane offensive numbers. Being the football nerd that I am, I had to find out what this offense was and who was running this anti-thesis of pro-style football. At that point I discovered the offense was the Air-Raid, and the mad bomber at the helm was Mike Leach. At this point I became a fan. Following that season I followed the career of coach Leach which led him to the black hole of college football. A place where coaches go to die. Lubbock Texas.
During his early years his passing stats remained off the charts and he rattled off 9 win seasons in 02, 05, and 07. This was all being done recruiting against OU, UT, OSU, Nebraska, A&M....and once again IN LUBBOCK TEXAS. At this point I started reading about him, which is kinda hard. He doesn't have any fluff piece books like the major suits in CFB. My favorite is No Excuses the book written about Charlie Weiss after his FIRST YEAR at ND. Anyway once you start reading about Leach you realize he's different in every way, shape, and form. He only played High School ball, he loves Pirates, he wakes up at the crack of noon, he graduated from law school, he evidently scored a 1600 on his SAT's. In short he was different.
Then came his heyday where he was talking about pirates beating soldiers, and made fun of pokes. He told us what to do on a first date and the best way to check the weather. He called out officials. He was genuinely excited after a win, and equally disappointed after a loss. He was real, and he was one of the many things that is great about college football. Mike Leach is a departure from the stoic sideline figures and the political program managers.
No offense to great coaches like Mack Brown, but really is there anything interesting about him? He rides horses? His stepson is a dumbass? What about Saban? He eats souls? Truth is there really isn't any kind of depth to them other than the stereotypical football coach. Leach on the other hand was himself. He really didn't care what he said, or what other people thought about him. Unfortunately, this most likely brought about the end at TT.
But all is not lost for our favorite captain. He'll land on his feet. He'll win his lawsuit against TT, get his contract money back. (most likely more) Some other smart university will pick him up and he'll drop bombs on everyone as usual. And when he does land another gig I hope he bans the shit out of ESPN from attending any of his press conferences/interviews.
The only thing that pisses me off is the hypocrisy in the media. They flip out over the concussion issue, but they open broadcasts with brain shattering hits and two helmets exploding. They talk about how players have to be mentally tough and toe the program line, yet shit their pants when one of their own is challenged. University Presidents want exposure for the school, but hate a guy for speaking his mind. The media complains about the cookie cutter demeanor of coaches, but vilify a guy for standing by his principles. Mike Leach is refreshing. ESPN is a cancer.
But like I said, Leach should be fine. So let's end on a happy note. Leach at his finest.
Avid readers will know that GRH is heavy on the Leach love. Above is the newest jam from Kain & Ryze, they of the "Crank That Crabtree" track. All of this is just to fill space until Lattimer offers a proper eulogy.
Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien passed for a pedestrian 260 yards, with 19 so-so completions over 26 unflattering attempts. The pasty Tolzien also threw an interception, which totally figures, and didn't even have the courtesy to throw a touchdown pass.
Meanwhile, Harris was able to pass for an incredibly attractive 188 yards, with 16 glowing completions that looked like they fell out of a J. Crew catalogue. Badger RB John Clay was really trying way too hard, winning Big Ten Player of the Year, rushed for 121 yards and scored two touchdowns in an effort that looked more desperate than anything.
"He really did a lot for us, we just couldn't get the win," said Miami coach Randy Shannon. "But that fro-hawk of his is something precious. It was both heartbreaking and breathtaking to see him come off the field after a three-and-out. Like watching a beautiful quetzal bird sing a sad, sad song."
Analysts at the game are already calling Harris' comeback-ending four-and-out to be 'the hottest failed comeback in the history of omigah I can't even remember.'
Monday, December 28, 2009
Second we have the Colts essentially quitting and nearly costing me an undefeated fantasy season.
Anything else you want to bring in is fine with me.
Shit storm begin.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
This week: DOGUS PLAYS BASKETBALL IN FOOTBALL PALACE
Dogus is pleased. The Longhorns of Texas are the second-best team in all of the land. But now he must play the Shitheels from Northern Carolina. Dogus has never had much luck with the Northern Carolina. But this time will be different! This time Dogus brings with him Jordan Hamilton from the same neighborhood as Ice Cube. He also brings with him Avery Bradley, from the land that represents the exact opposite of Dogus's land, Las Vegas. What makes the most difference is that they play in a palace built for football Gods.
It is truly glorious. Dogus is in awe of Texan tower of Babel built for God of oil. Dogus thinks the Oil God must be very pleased indeed.
Dogus spies a television. It... it must be a television. IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.
Dogus imagines his favorite show, American pornography on the television screen. Dogus is now terrified at the prospect of 120-foot tall women crushing him to death. Death by snoo snoo.
Now it is the game time. Dogus does not understand the whiteness of the Shitheel team. They even have two of the same white player! Dogus chuckles. This could never work. Dogus is glad that Coach Barnes would never be sucked into the Tobacco Road White Athlete Arms Race.
The game begins. Dogus is described by the famous bald one as "gritty." Dogus plays hard. Dogus has been working on his left hand. The left hand is no longer treacherous. The crowd loves him. Dogus loves this football palace. Dogus loves America more than ever.
The Longhorns reign supreme! The famous bald one said that the Shitheels would win, and he was wrong! Dogus is still puzzled by the bald one's infant infatuation. Everything is 'baby this' and 'baby that.' Dogus cares not, for glory will be his upon his return to Austin. Dexter Pittman and he will imbibe! Oh, will they imbibe!
Monday, December 21, 2009
"At this point, I just think there's not enough momentum with any organization to have these discussions while teams are still trying to win games," said Holmgren. "And right now, I'm about to pop. I need to get somewhere and stay there for a long, long time. No need in rushing anything."
Holmgren said the timing of the talks being positioned just as he was about to get his 16 weeks of shut-eye wasn't the only thing keeping him from jumping into a helm.
"Frankly, in Seattle, there's just a lot of history there that's making me consider all of my options," Holmgren said. "That consideration is making me burn through a lot more calories than I'm willing to sacrifice right now. That's a lot of time wasted for me."
Holmgren didn't say that was making him lean toward Cleavland, since there already seems to be "a big sucker there taking up the sweet spots," possibly referring to coach and salmon-enthusiast Eric Mangini.
The Super Bowl-winning Coach Holmgren then stuffed his cheeks with an assortment of wild berries and shuffled off into a nearby wilderness, shortly after wiping his rear end with an adjacent pine tree.
And I think I found the perfect topic.
BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE:
Now I know what most people are going to say. "There is only one Christmas Movie, it's Christmas Vacation". But you know what, Christmas Vacation is dare I say overrated. Which is why my selection is none other than Home Alone.
Go ahead I dare you to tell me one bad thing about Home Alone.
Shit Storm Begin. Happy Holidays.
Friday, December 18, 2009
BEST CASE: Big East folds after losing one of 8 football schools
WORST CASE: Big East picks up Temple or... ?
WHY IT WORKS: The BE's biggest problem is that it's two best teams play in the ACC. Take ANY of these remaining schools out of the loop, and... There's practically nothing left. The remainder would be the last BCS besides the Pac10 (with it's own probability of expansion to 12 teams looming) with fewer than 12 schools. FIVE fewer. None of which EVER made a BCS game before Va Tech and Miami left. Let's say you add Temple or some other rotten school. You're no better off. Is basketball worth this much? A dollar earned in basketball is fifty cents to football money. I predict the Big East, 20% of the BCS picture, folds in this scenario.
- MIZZOU/IOWA STATE/OTHER BIG 12 NORTH TEAM
BEST CASE: Big 12 folds, b/c who the hell else would they get for the North?
WORST CASE: They bite the bullet and add TCU/Boise.
WHY IT'D WORK: It's unlikely. Just outright not going to happen. Because seriously... do you add Colorado State? Hell no you don't, not if you want a TV contract. Can you imagine the Big 12 commisioner trying to stiff arm some ESPN off brand into airing Colorado State vs. Baylor? Neither can he. Texas will do everything in its power to NOT have to play TCU or Houston or any other Texas school that could have beaten Colt Shipley this season. This may not break the camel's back like poaching a Big East school would, but it sure as hell pushes this shit toward the cliff, no matter who they got to replace Mizzou.
BEST CASE: BCS immediately folds
WORST CASE: South re-secedes from Union; Kentucky ravaged from within.
WHY IT'D WORK: Everybody in the SEC thinks they have a good shot (probably for good reason) at a tournament format. If placing in the top 8 is all you needed, the needle doesn't move for Bama, Florida, and until recently, Georgia and LSU. And that's to say nothing of Arkansas, Auburn, Tennessee, ladidadidaida. They're cocky and they'd happily tell everybody else to suck a dick. That's good money they pay those players, and they don't care how many games they have to win to prove it.
- SUPERCONFERENCE W/ BIG EAST
This is what I'd try, because this would get out in front of the prevalent trend. You've got eleven teams. Pull in five more. Two divisions, 8 teams a piece. Grab all the schools that are strong(ish) in both revenue sports - West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Louisville; coin flip between UConn and Syracuse. That sound you heard was the death throes of the ACC, home of the Wake Forest BCS bid. Instantly, you've made a basketball juggernaut and enough chaos at the upper crust to distract America from the 11am kickoff of Purdue-Northwestern.
The bottom line is this, as I posted in the comments section on Lattimer's first thing on the topic. The first Big East team to get an invite TAKES THAT SHIT AND RUNS. There is *NO* TV deal for a 7-team Big East. There probably cannot be a seven team Big East.
So you're now down to four major conferences in the two revenue sports representing ZERO TV markets in New York, Philadelphia, Boston, DC, etc. On top of that, you can add West Virginia, Cincy, and Pittsburgh back to the list of BCS-busters. Would this kill the BCS? I think it would. When the entire Eastern seabord north of the Mason Dixon line is cut off from access to the BCS, I say that the goose is cooked.
But you fuckers are boring, and you'll probably go out and grab Central Michigan or Akron or some shit like that. Best not to rock the boat. Boring shitbags.
You KNOW Birdman is fixin' to party. Heeeeellls yeah.
This week was crazy kinds of long. Completely upsetting, really. I'm ready to BuFu this week. IN THE FACE.
OK, let's get to some vids.
First and foremost, this is some great camera work for some naughtysauce biking in Whistler. I will now point out that the Olympics will be in Whistler, and I'm mad jealous of anybody up there right now.
Bill Walton is gangster. And loves gin, apparently.
Colby West is weird and hilarious.
I've never really watched lost. But man, are their fans some weird fucks.
via Warming Glow
Remember: Tiger Woods fucks bitches.
Time to rock. The final countdown of the week, if you will.
I'm inviting MacGuyver to parties at my house from here on out.
And, because all fan rap videos are horrible, here's this. I do like that they rhyme "Masoli" with "E. Coli" though. I got a kick out of that.
OK. Big bag. I'm liking it. Let's get it y'all. Time to party.
As you might have heard, The Big Ten (11) is looking to expand to a 12 team conference. Ultimately, this would be great for the Big Ten (11) and CFB in general.
First, while a conference championship game has it's benefits. See: State, Ohio The, 2007. The conference is woefully irrelevant the last two big weeks of CFB. This can hurt things like jumping up in the rankings, late Heisman pushes, and most importantly skrilla. The always business minded Big Ten(11) is missing out on some cold hard cash that yes, even the ACC is bringing in with conference championships. Finally, while there are many reasons why I hate conference championship games, it is quite awesome to see significant football for another week. So in short, yes this is good.
Now who the hell are they going to pick up to enter the conference. One individual seems to think that ND, CMU, OU, and....wait for it....Memphis are good fits. Now, anybody who has actually watched CFB, or sports in general, would know that these are terrible choices sans ND. First off The Big Ten does in fact have certain academic requirements, or in other terms they want schools with some prestige. So cross off CMU and yes I'm sorry, Memphis. (OU is pushing it). Point is the Big Ten wants some type of elitist fodder so at dinner parties they can brag about the academic prowess of their institutions. (Have no idea if this is true but as a kid I thought all Big Ten (11) schools had to have a law and medical school?) Secondly, The Big Ten (11) is and always will be a football first conference. So minus ND and the Central Michigan graduating Lefevour's these are just simply insane. My main point is that these choices are for the most part ignorant and contrarian for fucks sake.
Now let's get to some actual possibilities. First lets talk ND. (Yes I know I just said it was stupid). People will initially point out the NBC contract. And yeah, it holds some weight, but not as much as it once did. Literally every team/conference is on TV now and they are all getting paid for it. The second thing is that ND has some pretty kick ass bowl agreements ensuring that they will taste the BCS even if they have a 2-3 loss season. Finally, ND has been courted by the Big Ten (11) before and I doubt they change their tune. Make no mistake, The Big Ten (11) would absolutely love to have ND in the conference and I'm sure they are their number one choice. I just don't think it will happen. Basically I don't think ND will not join over money, but more because they are arrogant assholes.
Syracuse is another name that has been thrown out there. This makes sense in many ways, but I always heard that Boeheim wants to stay in the Big East, and he has the power to block any type of conference transfer. Booker Pogue may be able to shed more light on this, or the basketball impact in general.
Rutgers is another choice. Not too strong on any points, however one thing that is appealing is that it will tap into that coveted NYC market. (That doesn't really watch CFB anyway)
Cincy? Shit why not, lets throw them in there as well. Now, I'm not to aware of the academic standing, but I think this is just average fans looking at which teams are currently performing well in football and decide that they are top choices simply for geographic reasons. True, Cincy has done very well over Kelly's tenure, but before that they were the equivalent of a MAC team. Another factor going against Cincy is that the Cincinnati name doesn't really have the same pop as a large state school, or a prestigious private school. Just sayin.
Mizzou has been thrown around as well. It's interesting. The Zou would make a logical fit in terms of geography, size, academics, athletics, etc. Furthermore, Mizzou is starting to get pissed off that they are getting overlooked in the bigger Big 12 bowl bids. The one major question is if Mizzou will want to leave or if the Big 12 will let one of their teams go....OR LET MIZZOU GO AND TRY TO PICK UP TCU.
Pitt seems to be the totally logical answer. In fact its almost too obvious. But honestly Pitt has everything the Big Ten (11) is looking for. Another added bonus to this would reignite the PSU Pitt rivalry, which I don't think Joe Pa wants, but other fans do. Ultimately this would be the best choice for the Big Ten (11)
Finally, Punte of KSK and Withleather fame makes an interesting case for adding Vandy to the Big Ten (11). Another odd ball choice could be a school like UConn.
All in all, it should be interesting to see if The Big Ten (11) actually goes through with this and who they decide on. The Pac-10 (10) Big East response will also be interesting because they would be left as the only BCS conferences without a championship game. Either way, I have my theories, and College football is a changin.
Ron: Ok Carlos, on three. 1... 2... 3... BREAKDANCE!
Ron: Now is when I ninja kick the shit out of you. I'm hood!
Carlos: Not if I kick you first!
Carlos and Ron have successfully hypnotized Joe Alexander.
Holy shit, what is happening here? Image via Team Flight Allstars
Thursday, December 17, 2009
-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs
These players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought. Like they got anything like a brain up between their ears, these players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace panties so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought.
I got one word for them...
I dunno, maybe it's the generation of fanny bandits Oprah's been raisin' up, sharin' their books of that time of the month and their feelin's and their books of the month. It's not enough that stupid sumsabitches gotta call a tow truck to fix a flat tire, but these nancies are just nickelin' and dimein', rippin' and rompin', not doin' no good for nobody in the world but themselves.
I've eaten enough pudding to know when a bell gettin' rung is a big deal. In high school, I was paintin' the walls on the Smith-Caldwell Pharmacy in the hail storm of some year that specifically escapes me. I ran for fifty-hundred eleven yards next week against our arch rival Opposum Grape, too. Ran like a sumbitch gettin' his somewhere where the gettin's gone been got. I drooled then and I drool now, case closed, and I looked pretty good doin' it.
I went on a date with Lucille Ball in the mid-80's. Got me a thing for red heads and people who can run pretty fast. Shirley and I been married about 40, 30 years. I make her sandwiches and gravy, she makes me gravy.
An' another thing, where do these uppity sumsbeeee... Where do these uppity ignoramuses get off complainin' when they wearin' a mircowave oven with a facemask on they heads? First off, that ain't no way to run the ball, with your heads up, not out in front of ya like that, ya gotta use your head like a batterin' ram, pow! Right up the middle! And first off, your head is the densest part of your body. If you can't use that as something to really ring someone's bell, you might as well hang it up and go sellin' Avon door to door like some kinda girl who goes door to door sellin' Avon and stuff like, like Avon or something.
That blood ain't supposed to hang out in your ear in that helmet by your ear. You gotta get it out and make sure it's out, otherwise we're gonna miss M*A*S*H. That Alan Alda is a real smooth one. I hate that Alan Alda though, he's the worst guy on that show. An' you know he's good, and he ain't wearin' no helmets.
I was an electrician in Italy. And we had a sayin' for the fairies like these sissies...
Now comes these pansies sayin' they're worried about getting their bell rung. These players these days. Sheesh! Let me tell you what I think about about them players and their mushy-headed ways. They're scared of bein' what they is. Football is a football is a football is a great game. Football is a great, great game and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we dont' want football, which is a great, great game of golf everynow and then. We don't want football to be a panzy sport where the women are on the field dancin' around like they're a bunch of women.
It's time for us to call a spade a playing card. These concussions are not these concussions are these concussions are not the end of the world. If we want to make something happen, then yeah, it should happen, but I don't think a helmet is going to do anything about wearing helmets.
I just got one word for you if you disagree.
No helmets cuz they're no fun.
Philadellia Eagles (1954-1980)
Auburn Tigers (1948-1954)
Bauxite High Skoo Bobcats (1941-1948)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Ron Artest has been vilified for almost a decade now. Most casual fans will only remember the Malice at the Palace. To those people, you all should just listen to what the man has to say. He keeps it real. Sometimes too real.
He has an opinion on Tiger Woods, and has decided to write an open letter to him. It is published in it's entirety below.
In reading the statements you have made, I can tell you are a stand up guy. Please remember only Jesus is perfect. You made a mistake and you admitted your infidelity.
I have made the same mistakes. Before I got married to my wife, I had a baby with another young lady, after I already had two by my girlfriend who is now my wife. We also had another baby which makes three for us and four for me. Two boys and two girls.
My wife is a much better wife than I am a husband. We still argue and disagree after being together 16 years. and I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife.
I want to be home every night, but with traveling I can't, and sometimes I might want to go to a bar or club and be one of the fellas. Most of the time I stay in, because I have my kids and wife.
I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could.
I have known my wife for 16 years- since I was 14 years old.
She was my first.
On the way to 2010 we had many ups and downs on the way, mostly my fault. But I really choose to work hard and play ball to support her and my kids. The same reason you are building your legacy.
I have been disturbed by this because there are many people who are happy that this bad news has come out.
There are a lot of sports announcers and regular reporters who are not perfect in their own homes, yet they want to bring you down.
You have done so much for people, the sport of golf, and your family and you gave your wife a life that people can't even dream of.
I thought you were 36 or 37 until I read the news today. A 33-year-old man who has been a model citizen with so much at stake. This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes.
You have been the perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known.
With the exception of a few legends.
As your fan, I can't wait to see you golf again.
And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.
This is just a fan mail letter to Tiger Woods fans and indirectly to Tiger himself.
Please, everyone support Tiger in these tough times for his family.
Also if you are a sports announcer or regular everyday reporter or blogger please step up like Tiger and tell your wife or husband if you have any skeletons in your closet. Especially if you were one of the few attacking TIGER!!
One Love People
Ron Artest articulated my feelings on the matter better than I've been able to. Hopefully this is not the last time this happens.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Fine. OK? Fine.
I don't hate the Mavericks anymore. Now before you start gloating and being all pompous assholes about it, let me just say that I don't hate you. That doesn't mean that I like you. It means that I don't hate you. Essentially, I realized that hating on your game doesn't make me or my teams better.
I would like to take this opportunity to mention what I do hate. Everything about Dirk besides his absurd game. There. I said it. Dirk's game is baffling, but... shit. He's good. He's really stepped it up this season, too. Not so much in terms of stats, he's just been all over the court. It's fun to watch. He's actually trying to earn wins and awards. I would like to mention here that while he is good, he is NOT the best player in the league, and wasn't in the '06-'07 team. He was simply the best player on the best team. He's also white, which will increase your chances of winning any NBA award (see: Rick Barry's Dunk Contest victory). But yeah. I hate Dirk's appearance, his personality, his voice, his taste in women, and his style.
I also hate Mark Cuban. Don't get me fucking started on Cuban. I like that he likes his players, and will do anything for him. But that really comes with the territory with douchebag owners of any kind. And I swear to Christ, I will end him I will FUCKING end him if he brings up Net Neutrality within earshot of me.
Shawn Marion, I used to like you. But you suck now. You can redeem yourself by killing yourself dunking. DANCE FOR MY PLEASURE.
Kris Humphries, you look like one of the Twilight kids... fag.
Erick Dampier. I will burn you down for the insurance money. You aren't worth shit.
That felt right. Now on to what makes the Mavs awesome.
First and foremost, Jason Kidd is wrecking shop. He's had a wildly successful career, but has just become an enormous problem for any opposing team now. He actually has fixed pretty much the only hole in his game, which was the outside shot. For real. Ason has finally gained his 'J' and is raining these days. It's silly. Furthermore, he's good for one mind-boggling highlight pass a game. Also, having him and JJ Barea on the court at the same time just makes me think of Dr. Evil and Minime running around, fucking peoples' worlds up.
Jason Terry. No hate here, bruh. Not now, not in the past, not ever.
Rodrigue Beaubois. For those of you who think using French pronunciation is for pompous pointy-headed liberal elites and other forms of homosexuals, you can call him Roddy Buckets. When I first saw this cat before the draft, I figured there was some sort of optical illusion with the grainy third-world footage I was seeing. He was just too fast. Now he's in the L, balling for the Mavs. He's rusty, for sure, but he's fast as a muhfucka and can hop. He's like TJ Ford was back in the day.
OK. That felt good to get off my chest. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be rooting for the away team whenever the Spurs, Blazers, Grizzlies, Hawks, Magic, BETcats, Celtics, Warriors, Clippers, Thunder, Raptors, Cavaliers, Bucks, Heat, Knicks, 76ers, or Wizards come to town. It's just that, if I have to watch one team more than any other, due to geographical reasons, I'm comfortable with it being the Mavs.
Now if we can only ban faux-hawks and Affliction shirts from the AAC, that would be something. Seriously, Uptown is like Jersey Shore sometimes.
Monday, December 14, 2009
This shit storm is the worst feeling a fan can feel in sports.
My selection is when you're team gets upset by a vastly inferior opponent. To me there is nothing like that, just staring blankly at the TV after it's all done. "How did this happen?" "I just can't imag....I can't see my hands, everything is dark I"M BLIND I CANT SEE!!!!"
So yeah that sucks a lot, but now it's your turn to share in the misery.
Friday, December 11, 2009
GD Christmas, quit stalling and come around already.
Ok gang, nobody likes work, I need a drink, and knots need to be tied. It's Funbag time.
Have you heard of this Tiger Woods thing? Me too. Anyway between Whitlock sitting in his ivory tower, Rick Reilly handing out advice, and Herm Edwards auditioning for the job of Tiger's life coach I'm getting a little tired of Tigergate. Anyway it's always nice to make viral videos making fun of others misfortunes. This site also has an interesting perspective.
EMBED-Leaked Tiger Woods Mistress Sex Tape - Watch more free videos
How many times do I have to say this. STOP MAKING FAN RAP VIDEOS. They never turn out well.
Jared Allen....That is all.
My name is Suh. How do you do? NOW YOU GONNA DIE!!!
I don't think we've even hinted at NCAABB this year, so I'll post this video as a tribute to our own Booker Pogue. Cue Icehouse: "OMG FUNK!!!"
It's almost championship time in Texas which means we need to relive John Tyler-Plano East
Ok everyone, have a good weekend.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
"PEW PEW PEW"
The Mavericks team-building exercise revealed what everybody already knew: That Dirk is not gangster.
Dirk trains to avenge Mark Cuban being thrown through a picnic table. Nobody has told him that WWE is staged.
These sucked. Dirk is a wiener. Please make me proud with better captions.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
DENVER, Co. - While at a Denny's on Monday afternoon, Broncos reserve quarterback Chris Simms was recognized by another patron of the restuarant without Simms having to explain his role on the team, or his college and professional history.
"He was like 'You're Chris Simms, right?' and I was like 'Sure am,'" Simms told reporters. "He wasn't my waiter; he couldn't have seen my ID or debit card or anything. He just knew who I was.
"Pretty awesome if you ask me, which he did, by the way."
The recognizer, Bill Daniels, 41, stated that he recognized the quarterback, but couldn't figure out why.
"I think it was because of his dad?," said Daniels. "I lived in Austin for awhile, but that was when Major Applewhite was there. Speaking of, you know he's a coach now, right? I bet he's great."
Police records obtained by GRH later verified that Daniels had gotten into a fender bender with the erstwhile journeyman Simms in August.
Monday, December 7, 2009
- What's the best bowl game?
- Who got blown (the bad kind)?
- Who got blown (the good kind!)?
- Do you love/hate Tebow?
- Cinncy/TCU/Boise: Winners or Whiners?
- I took a dump the size of my thigh this morning: Call the doctor in fear or brag to my co-workers?
- Mack Brown or Nick Saban?
- Who's going to win the Papajohns.com bowl AND WHY?
It's bowl season, which means there's plenty a-goin' on. DEBATE.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Big Baby's bringing the girls. Now it's up to us to make the party happen.
Yes. YES. I've been out of commission for far too long, y'all. But I'm not sorry. No remorse over here.
First and foremost, we have James Lipton, telling us not to send text pictures of our junk. You got it, boss.
In keeping with the PSA-style theme, Alando Tucker and Steve Nash want you to keep your hands clean this season.
This is just outlandish nonsense. Shit just keeps getting crazier.
I hope Lamar Odom sends Hilton Armstrong a Christmas card of himself and his whole family. With Reggie Bush. And sign it, STAY OUT OF THE RESTRICTED AREA, BITCH. OMG FUNK!
This is a bit old, but worth revisiting. This is the only thing Jimmy Fallon has ever done to ever make me happy. Thank you.
The Cavs are way more intent on being on TV than they are winning games. Surprisingly enough, that's totally cool with me.
Magnificent. Stay warm and dry out there. Party.
In light of the recent firing of head coach Charlie Weis, fans of Notre Dame football, being one of a handful of vaunted programs with a national fanbase, all over the U.S. are struggling to come up with a consensus on who should be the next head coach of the winningest program in the history of college football.
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs has collected samples of testimonies from this diverse fan base:
Dom Manetti, Bratwurst Vendor, Chicago, IL: I think dey should get should get somebuhday with values we gots here in the Midwest. Yous bozos may or may not be aware of a certain coach whose dedication to da storied Midwestern values a beerah, brahts, and morbid obesity took an oistwhile (sic: erstwhile) Kansas Jayhawak team to da Orahnge Bowl and onward to vicory. Weis was good, but dat batched heart surgery took a lot out of him, made him lose about farty pounds a so. But Mangino da Hero? He's da typeaguy who can push through bout fitty pounds a prime braht on a game day. And with are recruits? Day gonna call day Orahnge Bowl da Braht Bowl come 2012.
Delmer Q. Lawnmower, Ditch Attendent, Latham, MS: WOOO! WE GOT US A NASHUNAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN HOTLANTA! S-E-C! S-E-C! YOU KNOW IT, BOY YOU KNOW! Nevermind my Rebels and my Irish didn't make it to the SEC Championship, we got that fish-eatin' sumbitch URBAN MEYER cummin to Notre Dame next year! He done already said was his dream job! His favorite Jesus boy Timmy Tebow, God love him, is gon be smashin' faces in the NFL next year, an if he's the upstandin, Chrissean he don spossa be, he gon convince URBAN MEYER to be our coach next year! Gaw-lee, with our recruits we gon win a bunch a dem SEC championships in a row! S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! SUCK MY BUTT OHIO STATE!
Anders Higgenbotham, CFO, Boston, MA: I believe the only coaching official worthy of coaching the much-ballyhooed and adept Fighting Irishmen of Notre Dame Our Mother is someone who has already proven his ability and worth to uphold the lofty standards therein. It should be Louis Holtz, for sure. He has already won national titles with the Irish and, from his deft and cogent and audible analysis on my ESPNHD, seems to still be sharp as a tack. He will bring with him a mass of faithful recruits, coupled with the already staunchly loaded classes the fine University already summons at will, our beloved alma mater will be simply tyrannical in their onslaught of the rest of the collegiate football dullards. Notre Dame deserves no less than the best.
Manetti: I have jus been informed by one Mangino da hero dat he, if he accepts da position, saints willing, would love to sponser Manetti's Brahts pending his taste approval! I have sent him a pallet of our best hahlliday brahts for his consumption, and am confident of his approval. You are welcome, Irish faithful.
Jack Swarbrick, Jr., student, South Bend, IN: My daddy is coaching Nottre Dame. He would be a good coach for Notter Dame. He thinks Notter Dame is good so i think Notter dame is good. The old coach has to be
Delmer: You no whut? I'm not so sure we oughta be puttin all our eggs into this URBAN MEYER basket. Why on earth would he leave un S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C team like them Florida Gators? I think we oughta get us somebody who ain't doin' nothing. That Tommy Tuberville might be pretty awesome! Went undefeated! Won him some SEC Championships! I bet he can get em there again.
Anthony "Tony" Lattendresse, Movie Critic, Dayton, OH: I've known about Notre Dame for most of my life, but have loved them since 1993. It's the ultimate place where dreams can come true. I mean, even if you're undersized, somewhat dim-witted, and don't have the backing/respect of your friends and family, you can still get lifted onto the shoulders of your teammates, but not since 1975. All you need is one friend, a black guy to let you sleep in the Notre Dame locker room, and a friend to die in a violent and firey explosion to motivate you. Notre Dame is awesome for all of those things. They should get Rudy to do it. Rudy would be good. Not Rudy Guliani, but the other Rudy.
Higgenbotham: I was just told that, medically speaking anyway, Lou Holtz is braindead, almost completely paralyzed from the waist down, and suffers from a lisp and tourette's syndrome. Assuredly, the vaunted coach Ara Parsegian could be convinced of the necessity of a triumphant homecoming? Surely he must see the err of his ways, leaving his beloved University in the hands of a capable, yet un-Parsegian Dan Devine. Greatness awaits in the hallows of antiquity, eh chums?
Ron Jaworski and Mike Turico, Football Analysts, Bristol, CT: Jon Gruden. Get Jon Gruden to South Bend right now. Seriously, he needs to be there because...he's a good coach. And he DOES not have rabid body odor. If you can get past the hair cut, the lack of originality, and the way he sits on stools with his knees as far apart as is geometrically possible, with his junk just hanging out there, he'll be one of the best coaches Holy Cross, I mean, Notre Dame ever had. Seriously, get this guy out of here. Get him to wherever you're proposing he go. I'm sure he'll do great, whatever. Just go.
Lattendresse: You know, the movie Rudy was the debut of actor Vince Vaughn? He'd be pretty good. He's already a big fan, and I'm sure would do well. He's a smooth talker who's quick on his feet. Maybe he and Jon Favreau, who played Rudy's friend, D-Bob, could collaborate, with Favreau directing the game plan and Vaughn executing it to perfection. Those three guys, real Rudy, Vaughn, and Favreau, would be awesome. But not Sean Astin. He's all yuppy since Lord of the Rings.
Manetti: Mangino just had a heart attack when I was on da horn widhim and guess what. He ain't dead. He's still kickin' and told me about an awesome play he thought up while his eyes were closed in pain. It's a double-end around with a third-guy in a wildcat who just cuts up the middle like a wreckin' ball. BRILLIANT? BRILLIANT. Who wants some more brahts?
Delmer: If we're goin' for big ole boys who ain't doin nothin, why not Phil Fulmer? Wouldn't even have to get him new clothes, just wash the gravy stains off Weis' sweatshirts and boom! SEC Champion Notre Dame Fightin' Irish! That's got a rang to it.
Higgenbotham: Despite my numerous fiduciary advances to coach Parsegian, he is unwilling to acquiece to my request. Therefore I am proposing to ask the vaunted Notre Dame biology department to unearth the chared and mangled remains of Knute Rockne and recessitate him, post haste! There isn't much time, he was after all in a plane crash in the early 20th century, but he's Notre Dame's last hope. I would love to see the look on that playboy Peter Carroll's face at the sight of that!
Swarbrick, Jr.: i like jesus and he shud be coach if my daddy can't. Jesus, can you get me some wii games.
Jaworski and Turico: We're each seriously going to shoot ourselves in the face if you guys don't hire Jon Gruden.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs
Ladies and Gentlemen of the far-reaching, vast and all-consuming media:
I'm sorry, but I have to come clean: Tiger Woods and I have been having an intimate affair for roughly three years. All of these were years in which he was married and I was aware of it. I'm so ashamed - and trust me, I consider it disgraceful to have sex with a married billionaire - but I cannot hide behind my convenient anonymity any longer.
We had us a lot of sex. He also talked dirty to me from his cell phone to mine.
I know. It's hard to believe. I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not been involved. Him being the most prestigious, well-recognized, and wealthiest professional athlete of all-time and...me. Me being a portly, balding, Caucasian male who makes less than $15K per year and will hold off going to the restroom to avoid climbing those taxing stairs. It all happened so fast. He waltzed into my place of business, a McDonald's in Portageville, Missouri, like he owned the place. Sparks flew, numbers were exchanged and a lot of sex was had in the middle. Now you know the rest of the story.
One time he told me to go to the bathroom and send him a picture of myself doing something sexy, which I did without hesitation and am willing to speak about it with even less hesitation. Woe is me and my shame.
The real irony comes into play around this weekend. I had been mustering up the courage and emotional fortitude to come out to the deserve-to-know public for about a month. Really, about a month. Give or take. I just couldn't believe it when I heard that Tiger (or as I called him "Tigre") got into a violent car accident by backing into a fire hydrant on his property. It looks like he beat me to the punch. He was obviously clearing the air and confessing his love for me, again, the Costanza with the fast-food vocation and lateral lisp, which I'm certain was much to the dismay of his 5'10", perfectly bossomed, beautiful, smiling Swedish model/wife, Elin. All of those things are proven to be crystal clear by the simple, somewhat benign act of dinging up not just any car, but an Escalade.
We're like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, lovers forbidden and shamed from the public arena where we belong. Just like Twilight. Only nothing rated PG-13. Definitely Rated-R bangage.
And just because accredited news sources such as E! News, TMZ.com, CornholeBangers.net and Golf Weekly keep asking me, this isn't about money or fame. This is about truth. And the truth is that Tigre and I were together before he became history's first billion dollar athlete. This started three years ago, before all that billion dollar business and he was just Tiger, the humble, affable, multi-($998)millionaire who stole my heart and me, a person who's only brush with fame was when I made the front page of the Portageville Post for eating 11 live frogs and only bush with opulence was when I won a free apple pie from the Monopoly game at my office.
Opposites must attract, because he carved me like a jack-o-lantern. He also sent me a text with a photo of his can-of-biscuits-sized dingdong.
It'd be silly to say that I'm just one of several who happen to be coming forward. The difference is the truth. I can only speak for myself, and not for those other clearly impoverished and schizophrenic trailer dwellers who claim to have been sexed and sexted by my Tiger. I'm not sure about compensation, it'd be so awful to talk about money at a time when he is so clearly on the verge of breaking down - you know, due to all the clandestine intercourse we've been engaging in behind the globe's back - it just seems wrong. But when that time comes, I'm sure Tiger and I can work out something simple, something that can give me some piece of mind. And by "piece of mind" I mean, a blank check that will grant me the prestige, honor and respect befitting someone with millions and millions of dollars of disposable income.
I'm sorry it all had to come out like this. It seems sordid, but really, it's about love. And not about this being my only shot at making something somewhat meaningful out of what has become the underloved, oversexed, vomit-filled, meth-singed, cross-eyed, rusty abortion that is my day-to-day existence. Not at all.
Tigre, if you read this call me.