You win this round, Boston.

We all like to hate on Boston sports fans. It's easy and they deserve it. I mean seriously, they call themselves the best fans in the world, but then not a single one shows up at the airport to greet the Red Sox home after they lost to the Rays in the 2008 ALCS. Just a bunch of fucking johnny-come-lately bandwagon douchebags.

Fast forward. After helping Boston win an NBA title in 2008, and bringing them back to the finals in 2010, Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson are shipped out of town to the Thunder for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic. Seriously. Even after that, several people maligned Perkins as out of shape (sort of true) and not a real interior factor (completely untrue). Word has it that Doc Rivers told Kendrick to his face that he sucked and that's why he was traded.

So understandably, there is bad blood between Perkins and the Celtics front office (Nate Robinson, meanwhile, is just happy that he makes enough money to eat at Chipotle. He's a simple man that way). So what happened in Boston when Kendrick Perkins made his return for the first time? The Celtics played that video and the fans gave him a standing O. Pretty classy. Keep up the good work, NBA fans.

Investigating the perils of unemployment

[Gawker Office]

New Reporter: Um, hello? Sir?

Gawker Editor: Whadda you want? Look, for the last time, if you have pictures of athletes' penises, just email them to AJ Daulerio. I don't want to see them anymore.

New Reporter: Um, no sir, I'm... I'm your new writer?

Editor: Hm? Oh, that's right. Have a seat. Let's see here. Graduated summa cum laude from University of Wisconsin Madison, did your graduate work at University of Chicago J-school. Not bad, not bad. What makes you think you have what it takes to make it here?

New Reporter: Well, I curated UW's arts magazine, was the editor of the newspaper there, and have had several pieces published in the Trib and Sun-Times.

Editor: CHILD'S PLAY. This. THIS. Is Gawker. NEW MEDIA. Have some goddamn respect. What we do here changes the way people look at the world. YOU SEE THIS?! MILLIONS OF HITS. We are leading the revolution, my friend, and I don't need any more idealistic mama's boys whining about the days of typewriters and wistfully pondering what it was like to be a newsman back in the day. I need a foot soldier for the front lines of the battle against the traditional forces. Can you be that foot soldier for me?

New Reporter: Yes, sir.

Editor: You're not gonna blow your finger off just to get out of duty, are you?

New Reporter: Um, no sir.

Editor: Good. Now here's what we got. People are all about this Occupy Wall Street business. They're out there, fighting the good fight. But we need the human element. I need you to go out there and show the world the victims. Too long have the unemployed remained faceless. Let's show the fat cats up in their ivory towers the damage that they're causing. Now there's a largely elusive group of people, virtually all unemployed, who are aching for an opportunity to speak up.

New Reporter: Disabled veterans?

Editor: No, you halfwit! If we had paper in this office, I'd roll some up and smack you across the mouth with it. I'm talking, of course, about NBA players. Look at this chart.

Editor: You see, these owners are trying to demonize their employees for falling profits. No matter that they have plenty of extra sources of income elsewhere, through concerts, circuses, TV deals and the like. They just want to squeeze their employees out of every cent they earn for them. IT'S JUST LIKE SLAVERY. Actually, figure out a way to work the word "slavery" into your piece. More controversy, more clicks.

New Reporter: Um, I don't really feel comfortable with--

Editor: Well what would you feel comfortable with, hm? A world where newsboys in their jaunty caps peddle newspapers for nickels apiece and there's no other avenue for people to absorb current events and opinion? Oh, we'd all like that. We'd enjoy the hell out of that. But that's not reality. This world has changed. I've had to adapt to survive. So many of my colleagues have fallen along the way. That's just the way the world is. Someday you'll understand.

New Reporter: Sir, aren't you 25 years old?

Editor: I sure am. Now get out there and bring me some sob stories about these players. And try to work a Hitler reference or two in, also. That always tends to boost traffic.

Later that day...

Reporter: Hi, with whom am I speaking?
Deron Williams: Yeah, this is Deron Williams. That's D-E-R-O-N.

Reporter: Yes sir, I'm aware of the spelling of your name.

Deron: Man, thank goodness. You wouldn't believe how many times they spell my name wrong over here in Turkey.

Reporter: I see. And what is it that you are doing in Turkey?

Deron: My job. I play over here until the NBA comes back.

Reporter: So you're not suffering any hardships of unemployment?

Deron: Hell no. I show up, cross some cats, dunk on people. Win some games, then go home. Easy money, man.

Reporter: Ah ok, well, thank you for your time.

Later...


Carmelo Anthony: Who dis?

Reporter: Hi, I'm with Gawker media.

Carmelo: Not my penis, man.

Reporter: Ha ha! Very good sir, no I'm doing a story on the hardships of unemployment for NBA players.

Carmelo: Ok, well I'm at New York's fashion week and these skinny bitches are making fun of my red pants. Shit's hard, man.

Reporter: Thank you for your time, sir.

Later...


Russell Westbrook: [Whispering] Hello? I really can't talk right now.

Baron Davis, Kevin Love, P. Diddy: SHHHHH!

Baron Davis: Tryin' to learn, cuz.

Russell Westbrook: Gotta go.

[click]

Later...

Reporter: Mr. James, can you give me some examples of how the NBA lockout has affected your life?

LeBron James: Hasn't really, I still play basketball, make commercials and give wedgies. And not necessarily in that order, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYIN? Up top!

Much later...

Reporter: I don't suppose you have a story about hardship related to the lockout do you.

Joakim Noah: Keeeeeyahhhh habbada na na!
Reporter: Fuck this.

Stop the NBA lockout.

This isn't the worst thing that could happen. Amar'e is a pretty fashion forward dude, what with attending fashion shows and shit like that.

But that's him. What happens when other NBAers decide to show off their entrepreneurial skills. Delonte West fragrances, that's what will happen. And fuck that noise.

Zach and Kendrick share a moment.

The following took place between 11:35 and 11:24 of the third quarter in game 4 of the Thunder/Grizzlies series.

Zach: Hey what's up fam?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Hey you like pork chops? I probably smell like pork chops. I had two on the way to the stadium today. Coach Hollins was all, 'yo, you're getting dijon sauce all over my suit' but I was like, 'watch yo ass.'"

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Y'hear how Sam Young got his car jacked? You know who did it?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Say what? Motherfucker if you ain't bein' straight with me, we're gonna have more than words, you feel me?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Word?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Aight cuz. We straight. Hey what's a good casino round here? I went to this one indian cas--

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: My b. I went to this one Native American casino last week. I walked in the door and was immediately covered in smoke. They didn't even have no bar, just cigarettes. I walk around these broke ass machines and was all 'say where's the craps table?' They told me the only games they had was video poker. NOT A GAME, FAM. THAT'S BASICALLY A SLOT MACHINE.

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: For reals. Let's smush our manboobs together.














Carmelo: Whatchu think about this one, Chauncey?

Chauncey: Not his best work.

Carmelo: Word on that.

Mavs Win Championship; Party

The Mavericks finally won the 'chip over the weekend, outpimping everybody.


The Mavs were a better-built team, they are better coached and their best player(s) played very well. Moreover, their owner shut his trap and fans (for the most part) did not complain about the officiating of the game.

After game 6, they partied their asses off, which I think we can all respect. They went to LIV, (where LeBron's mom was arrested a couple of months ago) and owner Mark Cuban spent $300,000 (but the stingy motherfucker only left a 7% tip).

Below are some of my favorite pictures from the party.

Dirk takes $80,000 bottle of Ace straight to the dome. No flutes for the finals MVP.


Your dad was at the party. He's the bald one with the tucked-in shirt.
I'm also curious as to whether or not Ian Mahinmi had to pay for his own drinks. I would have made him buy a round of shots for every airball he had in the finals (that's four rounds of shots, people).

And of course, when someone loses $2 million by betting against you, you might as well be magnanimous and let him drink off your tab.


On the way home...


Then the Mavs did something pretty cool that we can actually relate to: they took the trophy to a local dive bar that has a reputation for serving extremely strong drinks and throwing my friend out when he pukes on himself. It is also the same place Dirk and Nash went on their well-documented excursion.


Brian Cardinal photobomb!


And of course, expelling the booze (note: this isn't at the Loon).


Unfortunately, nobody remembered to tell Deshawn Stevenson that you're supposed to stop drinking after a spell. He was arrested in Irving for public intoxication. Something so sad about seeing Abraham Lincoln in a mug shot.


One thing's for certain. The Mavs had at least one angel on their side.

Oklahoma City plays Dallas in the Western Conference Finals.

This video pretty much sums up this series. Dallas is about as lame and white as Hank, while the new kids from OKC have flavor, like Alabaster Jones.

I think the Grizz would have had a better chance to beat the Mavs. They play a slowed-down game, and pound the rock inside, which are two things the Mavs haven't been great against historically. They also took 3 out of 4 against Dallas this season.

The Thunder play an up-and-down game very similar to the Mavs, and match up pretty evenly against them (until you get to the bench), so get ready for a lot of points.

The real tragedy of this game is that it's on ESPN instead of TNT. FREE CHUCK AND C-WEBB!

Don't worry my darlings. Icehouse is still watching you.

And by "darlings" and "you," Icehouse means the NBA Playoffs. This is Icehouse's favorite time of the sports year. Or maybe the return of football is. I guess the difference is that there is a pertinent and important game EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's so awesome. Everybody steps up their games. Charles drinks extra hard. Kevin McHale is extra self-depricating. And the ball itself is great. Everybody goes hard and plays to the best of their abilities - which, since this is the NBA, is a really high caliber of play.

Here are a few quick thoughts about the playoffs thus far.

First, for some reason, is the Lakers v. Mavs. The Mavs beat the Blazers to get there, and way more handily than anyone anticipated. The Blazers were playing really well. The Lakers beat the Hornets, ending this season's attempts to give two shits about New Orleans. The Bumblebees put up a fight, but since Chris Paul is only 5'10" and there aren't five of him, they lost.

For this series, Tyson Chandler is single-handedly marginalizing Pau and Bynum while Dirk has finally started playing like he owns a set of testicles. He doesn't know where they are, mind you, but at least he owns them. Also, Kobe Bryant is a gigantic asshole and threw his teammates under the bus after Game 1. In his mind, he's transcended into a different galaxy, where everyone is an asshole, and the only way to be understood is to act like an asshole 24/7. It boggles the mind. Sure, Pau sort of sucked, but remember that is was you who lost the ball to Jason Kidd to effectively lose the game.

Grizz v. Thunder: The Grizz beat the Spurs to a) win a playoff game for the first time and b) win a playoff series for the first time. More impressively, they beat the Spurs playing Spurs ball: grind it out down low with a grounded power forward and play team defense. The Thunder knew we all wanted to see one more game of J.R. Smith, so they let them win one game. They're cool like that.

The Grizz have already accomplished the "split on the road" aspect of playoff hoops. But in game 2, Serge and Perkins COMPLETELY shut down Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol. They shot a combined 5-22. YYYYUCK. The only reason they were even in that game was because of Mike Conley's 24 points. Point is, Z-Bo and Marc have to step it up. Or pray that Russell Westbrook stops passing the ball completely (sort of likely).

Heat v. Celtics: The Heat beat the Philadelphia 76ers, which are a real basketball team. I enjoyed watching the 6ers in the playoffs, but they had no single chance to prevail. Celtics beat the Knicks in some sort of non-rivalry that only exists in the minds of sensationalistic homer beat writers. Also, the Knicks sucked total ass.

As you may see above, the Heat are playing prison rules and going all sorts of H*A*M on the C's. The Celtics deserve it though, as they've been doing this to everybody for three years now. This could be a long series, so I'm excited to see if the Heat win one of the games in Boston. Mostly because it would piss off this guy. Also mostly because when LeBron wasn't laying out Rondo, Dwyane Wade was acting like Ben Stiller from Happy Gilmore. Which is to say, torturing old people.

Bulls v. Hawks: The Hawks beat the Magic by failing to suck as much as they did. Dwight Howard is the balls, but why does everybody else on that team just refuse to play well? The Bulls beat the Pacers because the Bulls have Derrick Rose and the Indiana Pacers have a bunch of white goons.

I like the Hawks and all, but they are more likely to suck than the Magic. And as funky as Jamal Crawford is, I don't want to live in a world where Josh Smith is settling for jump shots in the Eastern Conference Finals. Also, Derrick Rose is the MVP and he loves his mother. Fuck you if you don't love this interview (skip to 4:40).

Icehouse is sorry

Icehouse hasn't been around too much. I apologize for this. I've been a little swamped with some stuff, like riding my fucking bike from Houston to Austin.

Anyway.

Here's some pictures to fill in some space here.

The Foo Fighters support the Grizzlies.


Fans just can't let Tony forget about Eva.


A little old school, but it bears reminding that Jason Williams wore this shirt to the White House.


Lamar Odom pops bottles.


And finally, Chris Kaman put a suppressor on his .22.

IMPORTANT THINGS INVOLVING RADIO

Ron Artest happened.

After the Rockets beat the Lakers last night, Ron Artest called a radio station, impersonating Luis Scola.







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At least I got basketball to look forward to.

Well, the Cowboys are over for the season. So much so that they even made David Garrard and the Jags look like a dominating force over the weekend.

The longhorns lost to... I can't even say it. The Baptist school in Waco.

And now the Rangers lost in the World Series. So at least I got the Spurs to look forward to. After all, the finals will be played in an odd year, and the Spurs have won championships in the last four of six odd years. I got a good feeling about it.

OMG! LOOK OUT TIM! FUNK!


Man. Glad that's over-- OOOHHHH NO IT ISN'T!





/sobs

vids via The Basketball Jones

WE ARE GO FOR THE ASSOCIATION

FUCK YES. THE NBA RETURNS TONIGHT.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

SO! To preview the teams and get people excited, I present NBA Drinking Games: Opening weekend edition!

We got three games tonight. Two on TNT, and one that we probably won't get to see. Let's just dive right in.

-Drink at the beginning of any segment with Charles Barkley. It's the Chuck rule. Get used to it.

FIRST GAME: Miami at Boston, 7:30pm Eastern, TNT
Obviously the most hyped opening game in ages. No need to mention who's playing in this game, because it's all anyone's been able to talk about since the summer. The interesting subplot that people seem to have forgotten is that the Celtics are what people have lambasted the Heat for. Three superstars chose to play together in hopes of winning a title. Now the Celtics are the reigning championship runners-up, while everyone with a voice criticizes the Heat for representing all that is soulless and wrong in professional sports. Might as well get drunk for this one.
-Drink for any wacky introduction display. With Shaq on one team and Bron on the other, there's bound to be one.
-Floor seats for this game are going for $14,000. If they mention that, buy the most expensive bottle of wine from the nearest corner store, and you chug the whole thing out of your finest crystal.
-Drink when they show the celebrities in attendance. Make yourself throw up if they show Dane Cook.
-Drink for every dunk.
-Drink for every LeBron chase-down block.
-Drink for every Nate Robinson 3-pointer. Drink double if it fails to hit the rim.
-Finish your drink if you see Kendrick Perkins smile.
-Drink for every Rondo assist.
-Drink if they somehow involve Carlos Arroyo in a Hispanic Heritage Month promo.
-Pour a little out for Kevin Garnett. Man does he suck now.

NEXT GAME: Phoenix at Portland, 10:00p.m. Eastern
Steve Nash is going to miss Amar'e Stoudemire, and I'm going to miss seeing them play together. Portland really needs to just cut their losses in the Greg Oden experiment, because he's just not going to be useful.
-Take a bong hit and tell us in the comments section where you saw it, because I don't think it's on TV.

NEXT GAME: Houston at Los Angeles Lakers, 10:30p.m. Eastern, TNT
Despite actually getting a playoff victory last year, this Houston team has been on the way down ever since Ron Artest left. Yao Ming coming back just makes me think they're going to suck more. They're great as no-named underdogs, but once a star hits the court, they start to suck in a hurry. The Lakers will be getting their championship rings tonight.
-Drink for every ring handed out. Trust me, it'll make it go faster.
-Drink when they show Kobe's wife.
-When they show a Kardashian, ash a cigarette into a perfume bottle, drink the contents.
-Drink every time someone says, "China." Doesn't matter if it's on TV or in your living room.
-Drink every time Ron Artest does anything that goes on a stat sheet.
-Drink any time an announcer talks about how great the Pau Gasol/Yao Ming match up is. Finish your drink and throw the receptacle at the TV if someone says, "two of the best centers in the game."
-Drink if Brad Miller shoots a 3.
-Drink if Kyle Lowry dunks.
-Drink if Shannon Brown jumps really high.
-Drink if Chase Budinger touches the ball.

Ok. Load up on the booze, flip on the tube, and get ready to ball. Consider this the open thread for the games. If anyone has a good rule, feel free to let us know.

Somebody needs to be kicked in the Nenads

I like the initiative here, Sports Illustrated. Let's put some up-and-comers on the cover instead of the Heat, like everyone is expecting. After all, the Thunder took the Lakers to 7 in the last playoffs, and Durant led the league in scoring.

But Thabo Sefolosha and Nenad Krstic? The entire Thunder roster is stocked with flavor. I'll allow Thabo (though he's been pretty uncool as of late) but Nenad should never appear on a cover of Sport Illustrated. First of all, look at him. He's got a face that only a mother can love. A blind mother.

Why didn't you get Russell Westbrook or Jeff Green? You didn't ask them, did you.

Icehouse is gay for soccer, so I'm taking over.

Heeeeeeeyy there friend. How's it hangin? My name's Jack Nicholson. You may remember me from such films as the one where I was the Joker but didn't kill myself, and the one where I was retarded or something and teamed up with a single mom and a pillowbiter for a roadtrip. I think I won an award for that last one. Whatever. People in Hollywood are stupid. I could go do something else, but it's just so damn easy to live here. Did you know that I haven't paid for these seats sense 1994? Honest to God. I keep getting the bill, but I just tell Ronnie up there at security that I have a lifetime membership. Like this is a goddamn country club or something. Rubes.

Aaaaaaaannyway, I just had to pop by to explain something to this pussy Icehouse. Explain something with some brass knuckles in his ears if he doesn't pay ol' Jacky boy the proper attention.

Icehouse has been devoting a LOT of time and attention to this "soccer" thing going on half a world away. He seems to have forgotten that the NBA Finals are going on, and you know what? That's just sad on his part. I used to respect him. I really did. I wouldn't go so far as to say "like," but respect fits. Like I respected the Big Chief in the one movie where I was in the loony bin. Yeah, that's it. I wouldn't pal around with the big sumbitch, but if I needed something smashed or a basketball game won, you could call his number and presto! He'd take care of it.

So Icehouse is off pirouetting with some greaseballs in the magical fairy tale land of "Cold-Weather Africa." You can't fool Jacky. The boy's on some goofballs. Like this one time, me and Dennis Hopper... you know what? That's for another time. I went to all this trouble of hacking into Icehouse's account to talk some friggin' hoops!

Didja see my boys put the hurting on those New England jackasses? That was sweet. That was almost as brutal as this one torture-porn I financed back in the '80s. I say "financed" but what I mean is "used my boat to dump her body off San Onofre." As if the 20-point lead going into halftime wasn't enough, Dumbo surprised everyone out of their codpieces with a nice little jam on the walking corpse of Kevin Garnett.

Use those ears to fly there, kid. They've gotta be good for something. Just remember that I sold your mom to a traveling circus and she's probably dead now. HAHA! JACK'S IN CHARGE!

Now if there's something I like, it's kicking a man while he's down. Sure, the knockout punch is pretty sweet, but the crunch of unprotected ribs when I bring down an Academy Award-winning people's elbow? No symphony sounds so majestic. Which is why I like this little munchkin Shannon. Sure, he's named after a girl, but the little tyke can fly! Look at him go!

Good goddamn! Funk!

So with that, I bid you all a good day. Icehouse knows what he can do to get back in my good graces. It ain't pretty, but he knows.

Fuck you, Joey Crawford

That is all.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

HA HA! We're all friends!


Wa-eeeellllll it's good to be back. Even though Lattimer is off bettering himself, and Stovall and I have our own new blogs that we are maintaining while working, GRH will always be a nice little home that still requires attention.

Anyway, let's get down to the shit storm. Have you been watching the NBA playoffs? No? You like dude butt don't you?

Ok, just kidding. Even someone that walked past a storefront that had Sportscenter on a display TV can participate in this.

What do you think of the playoffs so far? Surprised by anything? Feel vindicated by anything? How about LeBron winning the MVP, you cool with that?

Who do you hope wins the championship? Who do you really NOT want to win the championship? Who do you THINK WILL win the championship?

Anything you got for the NBA playoffs. Stovall and Deafmute, you guys can even say something like, "I don't care any more now that the SEC's best basketball player, Gerald Wallace, is already bounced." For real, I don't care.

Breaking: Kevin Durant Leads League in Scoring

With 31 points in the Thunder's superfluous win over the Grizzlies, Kevin Durant locked up this year's scoring title.

Greg Oden, on the other hand, ended the season tied for first with Dorrell Wright in number of penises that ended up on the Internet. Both useless sacks of shit had one penis each show up on the Internet for the 2009-2010 season.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank the Blazers for jerking off yet another #1 draft pick. I wish them the best, but thoughts of what might have been only serve to infuriate.

Oh, and see you next year Toronto Raptors.

More playoff previews and coverage coming soon.

Mars, Bitches.

Dr. Manhattan from The Watchmen was pretty awesome. I've always aspired to lead the kind of existence where I could roll around Earth naked, saving people, killing people, or saving people's lives just to kill them later. Multitasking like Dr. Manhattan means that you do science and gets freaky deaky at the same time. That's multitasking like a mug, y'all. He's the best of every world, literally.

Every world literally, because if you tick him off, he bounces to Mars to build glass castles. Mars, bitches.

And that's why I think we'll survive the "impending strike." Go ahead, check the comments.

You see, the NBA is great and successful this year because of a few select Dr. Manhattans. These few heroes wield enough power to ensure that we will always see some hoops. If the new collected bargaining agreement never gets agreed upon, the same cagers that we send to represent America can just bounce and go rep the states in a different form. Professionally, in other leagues. The New York Times reiterated my point quite eloquently.

I would really like to see the proliferation of foreign leagues, with one or two superstars per league. I'm talking ballers that would make those leagues both more watchable and more profitable. The idea has been floated before. I'm different, because I would follow these cats anywhere. One thing's for sure, no matter where JR Smith plays, I'm going to pay attention.

OMG! FUNK!


Europe is perfect for this for a couple of reasons. First, they are sports crazy, just like us. Furthermore, basketball has been the fastest growing sport in the world in recent decades, on a pace that will have it rival soccer within our lifetimes. Finally, European hoops leagues have the (potential) fan base and infrastructure set up to handle the globetrotting year-long circus that a stunt like this would require.

I would love to see a world where professional basketball expands so that the Larry O'Brien trophy is a legitimate claim to the title of "World Champion." Maybe a European vacation for some of our best players is the first step on the road to seeing this dream become reality.

Bill Walton won't let a strike happen.

You've been warned.

The lockout season in '99 totally blew except for two things:
1) The Spurs won the championship.
2) It was Vince Carter's and Jason Williams' rookie year.

I highly doubt that there will be a lockout. Where Simmons (who gerbils, by the way) is wrong is that the superstars of the league aren't complaining. Players on middling and poor teams get paid more to stick around, and role players who take pay cuts get to play on higher profile teams, and ego-stroking is a supplement to cash.

Not only that, but EVERY team and EVERY big name player is excited for next season. Maybe a lockout would occur if the rapture doesn't actually happen, and everybody stays on their current teams (which I think is much more likely than LeBron and Wade playing for Jay-Z). But I doubt it.

Bill Simmons has been hawking this tired nonsense about the NBA's economics being fucked up for about five years now. Well yeah, Bill, if the only two teams you follow are the Celtics and Clippers, you might have a skewed view of things.

I'm not worried.

Grizzly Men

HOLY SHIT! RUN! THE GRIZZ ARE A WINNING TEAM!

Crank it up, baby. It's going down in Bluff City. Nobody wants to go and play in the Forum anymore. It used to be the place to go, since the game was easy, and the parties were bomb-ass. Now it's different. Now you have to run your ass off when you play the Grizz, and chances are you aren't going to win. Then when you get to go get drunk, nobody with any self-respect wants to blow a loser like you. Ain't that some shit?

Some people thought that this crazy little experiment would never work. These people thought that the personalities were all wrong for any sort of success. Heck, even we were skeptical.

All of this success flies in the face of reason, to be sure. The front office shitbags draft and trade like they want to lose. Actually, they do. You see, there are two ways to run a team. Spending a dickload of money to win, or playing it cheap and throwing any dude with talent to the wind. Remember when they traded Pau Gasol for his brother? Who trades a family member for a family member and gets the worse end of the deal? Man, that infuriated me, and I don't even like Pau. And seriously, Hasheem Thabeet? Hasheem Thabeet's fat ass? When Tyreke Evans, Brandon Jennings and the Loveseat Dejuan Blair were all still on the board? Was I the only person watching the Loveseat beat Thabeet like an orphan in several games in college? God damn. Shitheads.

And then this crazy-ass experiment.

I was pretty damn happy when this happened. But... well... it didn't work. And... you know... I just... Fuck Allen Iverson.

/cries
//vomits

OK. Insanity over. But once AI was bounced, this team went bonkers in a good way. Z-Bo is playing like a man possessed. He eats 30 and 20 games like Shaq in his prime. He deserves to be an All-Star. Too bad Tracy McGrady is going to be a starter in that game. Oh well.

Don't ever forget that Rudy Gay is the man. Ever. I really don't want him to ever leave the Grizz. It's inevitable, for sure, but he's been wonderful for them.

And Orange Juice Mayonnaise. Pimp. Muhfuckin. Tastic. He wins games. By scoring baskets and passing to people that score baskets for him. I can't even fathom how people didn't think that he and Rudy (who I'm gay for) couldn't play together. They are like Jordan and Pippen. If... you know... they were both Jordan. Or something. Look that was retarded, but fuck it. They're awesome.

They're still not a playoff team, due to the Oklahoma City Flavor Explosions and the New Orleans Assmouth Bugs. But we'll see. Heck, they might even win a playoff game for once, if they make it.

So hopefully we'll have some more in depth stuff on the Grizz, as Don Delaware is going to both of their games this weekend. Booker Pogue on the other hand? Probably beating it to John Wall.

You win, shitstains

Fine. OK? Fine.

GUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't hate the Mavericks anymore. Now before you start gloating and being all pompous assholes about it, let me just say that I don't hate you. That doesn't mean that I like you. It means that I don't hate you. Essentially, I realized that hating on your game doesn't make me or my teams better.

I would like to take this opportunity to mention what I do hate. Everything about Dirk besides his absurd game. There. I said it. Dirk's game is baffling, but... shit. He's good. He's really stepped it up this season, too. Not so much in terms of stats, he's just been all over the court. It's fun to watch. He's actually trying to earn wins and awards. I would like to mention here that while he is good, he is NOT the best player in the league, and wasn't in the '06-'07 team. He was simply the best player on the best team. He's also white, which will increase your chances of winning any NBA award (see: Rick Barry's Dunk Contest victory). But yeah. I hate Dirk's appearance, his personality, his voice, his taste in women, and his style.

I also hate Mark Cuban. Don't get me fucking started on Cuban. I like that he likes his players, and will do anything for him. But that really comes with the territory with douchebag owners of any kind. And I swear to Christ, I will end him I will FUCKING end him if he brings up Net Neutrality within earshot of me.

Shawn Marion, I used to like you. But you suck now. You can redeem yourself by killing yourself dunking. DANCE FOR MY PLEASURE.

Kris Humphries, you look like one of the Twilight kids... fag.

Erick Dampier. I will burn you down for the insurance money. You aren't worth shit.

Ok...

That felt right. Now on to what makes the Mavs awesome.

First and foremost, Jason Kidd is wrecking shop. He's had a wildly successful career, but has just become an enormous problem for any opposing team now. He actually has fixed pretty much the only hole in his game, which was the outside shot. For real. Ason has finally gained his 'J' and is raining these days. It's silly. Furthermore, he's good for one mind-boggling highlight pass a game. Also, having him and JJ Barea on the court at the same time just makes me think of Dr. Evil and Minime running around, fucking peoples' worlds up.

Jason Terry. No hate here, bruh. Not now, not in the past, not ever.

And finally...

Rodrigue Beaubois. For those of you who think using French pronunciation is for pompous pointy-headed liberal elites and other forms of homosexuals, you can call him Roddy Buckets. When I first saw this cat before the draft, I figured there was some sort of optical illusion with the grainy third-world footage I was seeing. He was just too fast. Now he's in the L, balling for the Mavs. He's rusty, for sure, but he's fast as a muhfucka and can hop. He's like TJ Ford was back in the day.

OK. That felt good to get off my chest. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be rooting for the away team whenever the Spurs, Blazers, Grizzlies, Hawks, Magic, BETcats, Celtics, Warriors, Clippers, Thunder, Raptors, Cavaliers, Bucks, Heat, Knicks, 76ers, or Wizards come to town. It's just that, if I have to watch one team more than any other, due to geographical reasons, I'm comfortable with it being the Mavs.

Now if we can only ban faux-hawks and Affliction shirts from the AAC, that would be something. Seriously, Uptown is like Jersey Shore sometimes.