Champion's League Funzone!

SOOOOooooo today begins the second leg of the quarterfinals. Last week, Rooney scored the only goal in Manchester 1-0 Chelsea. Chelsea can advance, they'll just need to score 2 and keep Man U out of their net. This will be quite difficult, however, as they are playing at Old Trafford and have Torres up front who totally sucks these days.

Elsewhere in the universe, Shakhtar Donetsk will continue to act like a lamb being sacrificed in reverence to FC Barcelona. Their pathetic offering will not slake Barca's bloodlust.

So anyway, watch the game today, use the comments as an open thread. WHEEEE.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Fix your beer goggles, Shawn Marion. Slumpbusters won't get you out of the first round.

WOOO! BOUT FUCKING TIME IT'S FRIDAY! This week has fucking draaaaaaaaged.

First up, some fake-ass dudes shoot hoops from airplanes.


Next up, remember to not fuck with deer if you're a fat tub of goo.


Chelsea FC won the Premier League and the FA Cup. They celebrated. Someone threw John Terry a beer, so he could slam it.


Well, I'm a Simpsons nerd, so this was pretty cool to me.


And for no real reason, here's one of my favorite commercials of all time. Too dope.


Get amped, bitches. Champions League Final is tomorrow. Boom.


It's not like we needed more reason to like Rasheed Wallace, but here he is doing the Carlton dance from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.


50 Cent found the new hottest rapper. Here he is introducing him.


I know this has blown shit up on the Internet, but it's worth putting up here. Dale Peterson and his chief-of-staff Winchester are going straight to the top.


Here's something to freak you out and ruin your afternoon.


OK! THAT'S IT FOR TODAY, CHUMPSTYLES! I'M THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GET YOUR ASSES OUTSIDE! WOOOO! CAPSLOCK WEEKEND! ENGAGE!

Mars, Bitches.

Dr. Manhattan from The Watchmen was pretty awesome. I've always aspired to lead the kind of existence where I could roll around Earth naked, saving people, killing people, or saving people's lives just to kill them later. Multitasking like Dr. Manhattan means that you do science and gets freaky deaky at the same time. That's multitasking like a mug, y'all. He's the best of every world, literally.

Every world literally, because if you tick him off, he bounces to Mars to build glass castles. Mars, bitches.

And that's why I think we'll survive the "impending strike." Go ahead, check the comments.

You see, the NBA is great and successful this year because of a few select Dr. Manhattans. These few heroes wield enough power to ensure that we will always see some hoops. If the new collected bargaining agreement never gets agreed upon, the same cagers that we send to represent America can just bounce and go rep the states in a different form. Professionally, in other leagues. The New York Times reiterated my point quite eloquently.

I would really like to see the proliferation of foreign leagues, with one or two superstars per league. I'm talking ballers that would make those leagues both more watchable and more profitable. The idea has been floated before. I'm different, because I would follow these cats anywhere. One thing's for sure, no matter where JR Smith plays, I'm going to pay attention.

OMG! FUNK!


Europe is perfect for this for a couple of reasons. First, they are sports crazy, just like us. Furthermore, basketball has been the fastest growing sport in the world in recent decades, on a pace that will have it rival soccer within our lifetimes. Finally, European hoops leagues have the (potential) fan base and infrastructure set up to handle the globetrotting year-long circus that a stunt like this would require.

I would love to see a world where professional basketball expands so that the Larry O'Brien trophy is a legitimate claim to the title of "World Champion." Maybe a European vacation for some of our best players is the first step on the road to seeing this dream become reality.

Champion's League Open Thread

Some sweet ass UEFA action today. So if you need to break up the monotony of curling, switch it over to Fox Soccer. Although I will say, as absurd of a sport as curling is, and despite the fact that I know nothing about it, it's pretty engrossing.

Regardless. The sport that I wanted to see today, downhill skiing, has been either postponed (men's super combined) or canceled (women's downhill training). The women's 10K Biathalon is currently underway, just not on TV.

So quit sliding rock and brushing ice, fuckwads, and watch the Champion's League. The two games today are Olympique Lyon v. Real Madrid, and AC Milan v. Manchester United. A couple of notes:

-Lyon is Squirrel Tactics' dark horse for this tourney while Real Madrid is in a crazy amount of debt so that you can watch Kaká, Xavi Alonso and Cristiano Ronaldo on the same team (you ungrateful cocks).
-This will be David Beckham's first game against Manchester United since leaving the club seven years ago.

Let's get it on. If you have anything to say on either Champion's League game or the Olympics, come on in and say hi. To the comments section!

Blame the Goalie

I'm not going to lie, I hate goalies. I hate goalies who are 6'6" and suck even more. In yesterday's Champions League Final, Edwin Van der Sar made a case for why no one on his team should ever hang out with him... ever.

Link:

Nice ups, you Dutch-nosed bastard. Van der Sar's effort here pretty much sums up the overall demeanor of Manchester United yesterday during their 2-0 loss to Barcelona. The Red Devils got off to a strong start, but were silenced in the 10th minute by a goal from Samuel Eto'o. While I would like to blame United defender Vidic for letting Eto'o slide by, I simply can't forgive Van der Sar's poor performance. He simply did not look like an athlete.

Even this guy has a better vertical:



Goalies are always the easiest person to place the blame on. They are the outcasts of every team. They were placed in the goal as a kid because they sucked at every other position. While the rest of the team plays with their feet, the goalie plays with his hands. He doesn't even wear the same uniform as the rest of the team for Christ's sake.

There are some exceptions to the rule. Take Rene Hiquita for example. Unlike our Dutch friend, Hiquita's got gusto. While Van der Sar was learning how to hold a cup with two hands, Hiquita was practicing making saves in ways you couldn't even imagine...



That's the coolest thing any goalie has ever done. That is all.