OMG! PLAYOFF CALIBER FUNK!

German Hank Hill Dirk made OKC look silly the other night, knocking down 48 pale and uninspiring points, none of which made while breathing through his nostrils. Last night, Alabaster Jones got his. And how!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Ok, jabronies. Short and sweet. GO OUTSIDE! WINTER IS DONE!

/knocks on wood

Ok, first off, Demar Derozan totally should have kept dunking. No props, son!

If you watched the dunk contest, Blake Griffin missed that dunk. A couple of times.

And now, some freaky stuff. This dude falls off a mountain. OFF. A. MOUNTAIN.

Ager Stefan Stubai drop PTTP from Stefan Ager on Vimeo.

And this... this is just too bad. Probably the second worst thing Phil Simms ever produced. The first being his son, Chris.


OMG! High School Funk!


Ok. I'm done. Get two dollars, y'all.

The Dunk Contest Happened.

Which is important, because it is the one time in the year that it is the funk - and only the funk - which is showcased. Nothing else matters.

The dunk contest can be a little bittersweet, since we will always be reminded of Jordan/Dominique in '88 or the entire 2000 field. Since 2000, few performances have even warranted remembering. Jason Richardson in 2003 and Gerald Green's cupcake dunk in 2008 are the only ones I really give two shits about. No, Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson do not make the list.

What I don't like about Dwight and Nate's performances is they were gimmicky bullshit. There wasn't creativity, it was mostly an Abbott and Costello routine. Sure, they're both athletic freaks, but just jumping as high as you can isn't any more entertaining than watching someone compete in the high jump. IT HAS NO FLAVOR.

Which brings me to the video above. Actually pretty entertaining stuff. There wasn't anybody who could do the things in the air like some of the previous champions, but there was still a great deal of creativity, mostly due to JaVale McGee doing shit that people never even thought of before.

Blake Griffin, for all of his power and athleticism, isn't necessarily an aerial acrobat. Not saying he didn't do some cool shit. The alley-oop Honey Dip was nasty. I also respect the full extension on windmills. However, we all knew this thing was scripted out from the beginning, and we knew that Blake Griffin was going to win, regardless of what happened.

I applaud JaVale for thinking out of the box, I would have liked to have seen Demar's next to dunks and Serge Ibaka is adorable. Blake, Hook Mitchell jumped over an entire VW bug one time, not just the hood. Just saying.

Furthermore, Lil' Wayne sat next to Schwarzenegger's kid and this picture was taken. Your argument is invalid.

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Here's another picture of Harvey Almon Updyke. Again, is anyone surprised? No, no we're not.

Wooooooo weather is getting better, maybe I can go outside and actually do something.
/Checks weather
//Rain

SHIT!

No worries, that's why we're here. To drop youtube magic.

Here's a compilation of Blake Griffin dunks. In the words of Icehouse "OMG FUNK"

Here’s A (Nearly) Exhaustive Video Compilation Of Blake Griffin Dunks from Deadspin on Vimeo.

Continuing on the with the funk here's Vince Carter's 2000 slam dunk contest. Again "OMG Funk"


Finally, someone noticed that the Sarah Maclachlan ASPCA commercial just sucks the life out of you whenever it comes on.

Other Channel
Tags: Atom.com | Funny Videos | Tournament | Upload

I want to say I'm indifferent about Justin Beiber, and I kind of feel bad for him. I mean the only people that like him are 12-15 year old girls and Usher. Anyway, he was on CSI and he got got.


Inevitable


Finally, this was sent in by Don Deleware. It's pertinant because fishing season is right around the corner.


Have a fun weekend everyone.

Icehouse Has Street Cred... on Twitter

That's right. Bask in it. Icehouse has so much twitcred that Hot Sauce, one of the original And 1 ballers, actually follows ME. HAHAHA! Icehouse is important!

For some flavor to take the edge off the bitter taste of Tuesday, here's some of Hot Sauce's finest.



OMG! UPDATE! This happened in an Oregon High School rivalry game. North Salem (the white team wasting time) beat West Salem (the black team bringing the funk). But the only thing that matters is that this happened.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Did you know that Natalie Gulbis and Ben Roethlisberger used to date? I hate this world.

SO

It's late on Friday. Let's make this happen quick and dirty, the way Ben likes it.

If you grow a wankster mustache for Movember, I'll make you eat it.


Icehouse says OMG FUNK! This announcer says... something else.


This kid has mad flavor.


Allen Iverson is in Turkey. No, not playing basketball... yet. But, it's gotta be pretty fucking cool to show up in street clothes and get this kind of reception.


Remember, Gilbert Arenas poops in shoes.


That's it. Go to hell.

At least I got basketball to look forward to.

Well, the Cowboys are over for the season. So much so that they even made David Garrard and the Jags look like a dominating force over the weekend.

The longhorns lost to... I can't even say it. The Baptist school in Waco.

And now the Rangers lost in the World Series. So at least I got the Spurs to look forward to. After all, the finals will be played in an odd year, and the Spurs have won championships in the last four of six odd years. I got a good feeling about it.

OMG! LOOK OUT TIM! FUNK!


Man. Glad that's over-- OOOHHHH NO IT ISN'T!





/sobs

vids via The Basketball Jones

And now, a post on women's basketball.

On some level, this is true. There are people out there that prefer to see fundamentals and the plays and everything. I mean, look at how popular college basketball is. Of course, the fundamentals actually AREN'T better in the WNBA or college, the players in each league just aren't good enough to be creative or flashy, therefore there are no distractions.

Personally, I support women's basketball. If/when anybody here has a daughter, you are really going to prefer that she has role models to idolize that don't involve skimpy clothes and sex tapes. As much as I love to watch women's beach volleyball, when I have a daughter (it's inevitable. Karma's a bitch), I'm going to prefer watching Diana Taurasi with her. Trust me on this one, everybody. You don't want a daughter that thinks the only way to make her daddy happy is to have horrible body ideals and to dress slutty. Chicks with daddy issues make the sluttiest strippers.

But back to hoops. Everybody knows that the best thing in basketball is the slam dunk. There's really no question about it. You could go up to anyone who says that they "prefer fundamentals" and ask them if slam dunks are awesome, and they have to be all, "well, yeah." It'd be like asking an anti-war protester if a tactical SEAL team insertion by HALO jump to have a sniper with a Barret .50 cal put a round through an engine block, stopping the truck, and then the team closing in and taking all passengers in the truck prisoner with zero casualties is awesome. They would be all, "well, yeah."

Which is why FIBA is considering lowering the rims for the women's game. That's one very lame jump for women's basketball popularity, one big step backwards for women's equality.

But of course, we all know that women aren't equal anyway, when athletics are concerned (compare all track and field world records and tell me which events women score better in. Don't worry, I'll wait). Here's looking forward to some OMG funks from the chick game. They'll be unimpressive, to be sure, but what the hell. Hopefully it'll at least lead to some sustainability in the women's game. For the sake of future women everywhere. They need better role models.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Woo.

WOOOOOO.

It's the last days of summer, and HOLY SHIT IS IT NICE OUTSIDE. Go get one last sunburn, everybody. You've earned it.

Also don't forget to set your fantasy teams.

ANNNNyway. Let's get to the fun.

Last week when I was bummed for being at work on a beautiful afternoon, Lattimer cheered me up with this. OMG! 50 FUNKS!


If you've been hit by the recession, try working for the New York Mets.


This girl wrecks at flag football.


This just in, eating a live monkey's brain makes you smarter.


Dude, you have no Koran. Dance mix.


YES! OK, let's get this party started. It's going to be the bomb. It's going down like a blimp.

Icehouse is gay for soccer, so I'm taking over.

Heeeeeeeyy there friend. How's it hangin? My name's Jack Nicholson. You may remember me from such films as the one where I was the Joker but didn't kill myself, and the one where I was retarded or something and teamed up with a single mom and a pillowbiter for a roadtrip. I think I won an award for that last one. Whatever. People in Hollywood are stupid. I could go do something else, but it's just so damn easy to live here. Did you know that I haven't paid for these seats sense 1994? Honest to God. I keep getting the bill, but I just tell Ronnie up there at security that I have a lifetime membership. Like this is a goddamn country club or something. Rubes.

Aaaaaaaannyway, I just had to pop by to explain something to this pussy Icehouse. Explain something with some brass knuckles in his ears if he doesn't pay ol' Jacky boy the proper attention.

Icehouse has been devoting a LOT of time and attention to this "soccer" thing going on half a world away. He seems to have forgotten that the NBA Finals are going on, and you know what? That's just sad on his part. I used to respect him. I really did. I wouldn't go so far as to say "like," but respect fits. Like I respected the Big Chief in the one movie where I was in the loony bin. Yeah, that's it. I wouldn't pal around with the big sumbitch, but if I needed something smashed or a basketball game won, you could call his number and presto! He'd take care of it.

So Icehouse is off pirouetting with some greaseballs in the magical fairy tale land of "Cold-Weather Africa." You can't fool Jacky. The boy's on some goofballs. Like this one time, me and Dennis Hopper... you know what? That's for another time. I went to all this trouble of hacking into Icehouse's account to talk some friggin' hoops!

Didja see my boys put the hurting on those New England jackasses? That was sweet. That was almost as brutal as this one torture-porn I financed back in the '80s. I say "financed" but what I mean is "used my boat to dump her body off San Onofre." As if the 20-point lead going into halftime wasn't enough, Dumbo surprised everyone out of their codpieces with a nice little jam on the walking corpse of Kevin Garnett.

Use those ears to fly there, kid. They've gotta be good for something. Just remember that I sold your mom to a traveling circus and she's probably dead now. HAHA! JACK'S IN CHARGE!

Now if there's something I like, it's kicking a man while he's down. Sure, the knockout punch is pretty sweet, but the crunch of unprotected ribs when I bring down an Academy Award-winning people's elbow? No symphony sounds so majestic. Which is why I like this little munchkin Shannon. Sure, he's named after a girl, but the little tyke can fly! Look at him go!

Good goddamn! Funk!

So with that, I bid you all a good day. Icehouse knows what he can do to get back in my good graces. It ain't pretty, but he knows.

OMG! WELL-TIMED REBOUND AND SUBSEQUENT LAY UP!

THE BALL WENT IN THE CIRCLE AS TIME EXPIRED! GOOD THING KOBE BRYANT MISSED THAT THREE POINT SHOT, SAYS RONALD ARTEST, EH COWORKERS? HUZZAH! I KNEW THE LAKERS WOULD WIN BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TEAM THAT HAS MOST RECENTLY WON A CHAMPIONSHIP AND USED TO EMPLOY THE SERVICES OF MAGIC JOHNSON.


I watched a How I Met Your Mother rerun last night. If you're not watching that show, you're missing out on some good ole fashioned, American, all-Caucasian guffawing.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Happy Birthday to this successful asshole.

Rudy does it better.


Finally. FINALLY. I am JACKED for this weekend. The second season is here: The NBA playoffs. YES.

The ENTIRE WEEKEND is filled with NBA greatness. I recommend drinking heavily all day long. It's gonna rock.

OMG! FUNK!


Now, a spoof of the Google "Parisian Love" ad, with KSK's version of Ben Roethlisberger and his shenanigans in Georgia.


Don't worry. Shaq is still weird.


And in case it's cloudy where you are, these puppies will bring some sunshine.


And now that the whole regular season is done, the NBA has put together their list of the top 10 dunks of the season. In lieu of "OMG! FUNK!" I will take a cue from one of the announcers. ELEVATE AND DETONATE!


If that doesn't get you jacked up for the weekend, you either hate puppies, or you hate fun. Either way, you can stay at work or go to hell.

I'm excited.

Dunkadelic.

Crazy dunks have happened as of late. Let's take a gander.

One, Josh Smith won a game on a dunk. Epic, y'all.

And then Amar'e Stoudemire eats souls. I watch this dunk through my fingers. "Iiiiis iiiiit oooooveeerrrr yeeeeeet?"


And then Terrico White for the Ole Miss Rebs punches one. Seriously. Knocked that shit out.


Have fun, wieners!

(Videos via BDL, Slamonline, and my own damn self.)

Mars, Bitches.

Dr. Manhattan from The Watchmen was pretty awesome. I've always aspired to lead the kind of existence where I could roll around Earth naked, saving people, killing people, or saving people's lives just to kill them later. Multitasking like Dr. Manhattan means that you do science and gets freaky deaky at the same time. That's multitasking like a mug, y'all. He's the best of every world, literally.

Every world literally, because if you tick him off, he bounces to Mars to build glass castles. Mars, bitches.

And that's why I think we'll survive the "impending strike." Go ahead, check the comments.

You see, the NBA is great and successful this year because of a few select Dr. Manhattans. These few heroes wield enough power to ensure that we will always see some hoops. If the new collected bargaining agreement never gets agreed upon, the same cagers that we send to represent America can just bounce and go rep the states in a different form. Professionally, in other leagues. The New York Times reiterated my point quite eloquently.

I would really like to see the proliferation of foreign leagues, with one or two superstars per league. I'm talking ballers that would make those leagues both more watchable and more profitable. The idea has been floated before. I'm different, because I would follow these cats anywhere. One thing's for sure, no matter where JR Smith plays, I'm going to pay attention.

OMG! FUNK!


Europe is perfect for this for a couple of reasons. First, they are sports crazy, just like us. Furthermore, basketball has been the fastest growing sport in the world in recent decades, on a pace that will have it rival soccer within our lifetimes. Finally, European hoops leagues have the (potential) fan base and infrastructure set up to handle the globetrotting year-long circus that a stunt like this would require.

I would love to see a world where professional basketball expands so that the Larry O'Brien trophy is a legitimate claim to the title of "World Champion." Maybe a European vacation for some of our best players is the first step on the road to seeing this dream become reality.

OMG! Lazy Thursdays!

So we're not that great at Thursdays. We just aren't. Not that we don't have stuff to say or anything, it's just that none of it ever finds it's way here on Thursdays.

At least we've got some wacky hoops videos to watch.

First, we have Memphis' own Joe Jackson (in the green, playing for White Station) dunking on fellow University of Memphis commit Tariq Black. I sure hope these guys are roommates next year.


Here's something crazy from Europe. I do believe that Tony Skinn kicks a guy in the gut, dunks on him, then grabs his nuts. He crammed more flavor into that one move than I did in my entire career.


And finally, if Brittany Griner's dunking ability didn't convince you that she was a dude, here she is hulking out on a fat white girl.


Yeah, we're going to need the bitchslap picture for that one.


Delicious.

UPDATE: AARON RAMSEY BROKEN LEG VIDEO!
I'm not sure why, But EVERYONE'S reaction is pretty hilarious. And Ryan Shawcross, you should feel bad about breaking a leg and all, but get a grip. Dudes that break legs don't go crying like a bitch about it... fag.


So yeah. Awesome and everything. The writers need to write more.

OMG! NON-FUNK!

If flying LeBron oops aren't getting you excited today, I present you this. It's the simple things in life, y'all. No need for anything other than a pedestrian flying through the air, only to whang his grill on the cup. I somehow knew that even the timeouts of the Blazers/Grizz game were going to be awesome.

(via slamonline)

LeBron makes New Yorkers wet while destroying their dreams.

OMG! FUNK!

Look at Bron's face after the funk. He just thinks it's funny. I mean, it wasn't like there was any sort of defense on him. It wasn't in traffic. And the clutch? I mean, that's alright and all, but it's nothing like Vince Carter's fabled windmill-oop.

I'm just kidding. That oop was absurd.

On the whole LeBron-to-New York thing. Does anybody really believe that this is going to go through? LeBron is allowed to do anything he wants in Cleveland. Absolutely anything. He is deified on a nightly basis there, even when the NBA isn't in season. New York is the opposite of that. The constant media blitz turns even the most carefree of superstars into cynical assholes.

After burning down their roster for the insurance money time and again, it seems to be all for naught. Good luck with the draft, Knicks fans. It's probably your best bet at landing a superstar.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Dolph and Cookie Monster are ready to party. That's for sure.


We're coming for that ass! WOOOOO!

Ok. Let's just get down to business right now.

First we have a behind-the-scenes look at last weekend's NBA All-Star Game. It's crazy.


This video has been all over the internet this week, so it's worth posting. My favorite part is how the raptor just nonchalantly cruises on out of the arena afterward.


From Squirrel Tactics, we have a clip from BBC's "Top Gear." It's the second time we've had Ken Block on GRH, which is a figure that needs to increase.


Now for a little old school flavor. OMG! FUNK!


This may have been the most overblown thing on the world wide web this week. But you know what? A deserved beat down is always worth seeing a couple times. Oh, and I want the old guy's shirt.


Yes. Sweet. Hopefully everybody's dug themselves out of the snow by now. Let's get outside and have some fun.

America's Forgotten Athletes Finally Get Their Due

Everybody has already heard about this absurdity, but it bears mentioning here. The All-American Basketball Alliance, an all-naturally born Caucasian basketball league has been formed. As much of a juxtaposition as anything, these people are really serious about taking any and all fun out of one of the most organic sports that exists.

I would also like to point out that Augusta, GA is the only confirmed home city thus far. If you encounter a resident of Augusta that wonders what they did to deserve this plight, please remind them of their golf course and slap them.

For your reading pleasure, commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis' arguments in favor of the league, FJM-styled.

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."
No ruffians like ZaZa Pachulia!

"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing,"
Grammatically incorrect lying.

"I don't hate anyone of color."
Just lying.

"But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now."
Grammatically incorrect, and untrue.

"Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."
Grayson Boucher begs to differ.

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?"
Players attacking fans in the stands (with one exception) is strictly a hockey phenomenon, and is limited to white players. The flipping off of fans is strictly a football phenomenon, and it crosses race lines. Until I was 14, I thought that they kept crotchgrabbing stats in baseball.

"That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."
"Better" means segregation here, apparently. From my research, any time that races mix, something good happens.

"We need a local person ingrained into the community to make this successful."
Ask Hootie Johnson. If he says no, then it turns out you need a time machine.

"People will come out and support a product they can identify with."
Such a product exists. It's called the WNBA, and is well-known for having financial troubles linked to pitiful attendance.

"I'm the spoken minority right now..."
Still grammatically incorrect, and still untrue.

"...but if people will give us a chance, it'll work."
Here is where I would like to point out that this league's goal is not to create a financially solvent, respected enterprise, but rather to incite anger and division between people. In this regard, this statement is factually correct.

"The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."
Joe Johnson is one of the most fundamentally-sound players in the world. He plays in Atlanta, and is not white.

But yeah, you're right. Georgians are aching for something more fun to watch than this.

OMG! 100 FUNKS!

This clownish travesty made headlines this week, purely because of how absurd it is. Everybody had a good laugh, since that's all you can really do with something this sad.

Luckily for everyone, this will probably be the last we hear of it.

Andrew Bogut kindly asks that you not wear bling

OMG! BOGUTFUNK!


I used to hate Andrew Bogut. I really did. Besides being the NBA player who most resembles Ashlee Simpson, he seemed to revel in the fact that he plays on the most boring team in the League (boring level changed once Brandon Jennings arrived). For instance, he once voiced an opposition to players flaunting their wealth. GUHHHHH This dipshit still says "Bling Bling!" What fucking year is this?! What a shitstain.

Sorry. I tend to lose it when I read that. Anyway. Enter Cartier Martin.

/Googles "Cartier Martin"

Mr. Martin here is apparently named after a bejeweled watch. No wonder Bogut felt it necessary to not only buttfuck him in front of an audience of DOZENS, but to also include a bitchslap in the process.

Cartier, if your NBA profile still has you in your D-League uniform, and your face smells of Australian sheep sex, you may want to consider grad school. Just some advice.