Marlins Grounds Crew Plays Like an Expansion Grounds Crew

Icehouse has always wanted to be a groundskeeper. Maybe because he Rudy too many times and wanted to be a wise old sage who told Sean Astin that he sucked and stuff.

Or maybe it was the Asians in Major League.

Either way, it's a cherry gig. Work 81 days a year, get front row seats to all the games, but the best part has to be when you have to spring into action. You jump up, and run your happy ass across the field in the rain.

In the early days of the Marlins, the grounds crew did not perform that well. You would think they would get a little practice, what with it raining every day in Florida in April and May. But what the hey, this dated video is funny. Enjoy.

via Flip Flop Fly Ball

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Guhhh. Cheer me up, Kareem.


There we go.

So yeah. The Holidays are here. We had a Christmas office party today. It was ok, I guess. I wasn't working, so that was good, but it was just an organized stress-free gathering, not necessarily a Partay, if you know what I'm talking about. There's something so unsettling about trying to be social but still needing to be professional. Fuck that noise. There's no middle ground with Icehouse.

Whatever, let's just get through this so I can drink a daiquiri while driving home.

First, we have the dreaded BUTT DRAG. If this kid serves time, I hope somebody quotes Office Space to him.


Eli Young band is like less successful Rascal Flatts. Or emo Big & Rich. Or something awful. Look, fuck them and their Affliction Ed Hardy bullshit.


The NBA has hit it's stride. Things are starting to shake out, the teams are gelling, and Jamal Crawford is breaking your ass down, chump.
Got 'im, Coach.

Just so you don't forget, Rajon Rondo is bananas.


I like to think that everybody in Montana is like this. Don't spoil it for me.


From what I've heard, this video is uncomfortably accurate.


And finally, Grand Theft Auto come to life. I envy this kid.


Well, that was fun. Give us a little escapism, Alana.



See y'all on the other side.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Man. It's been a while. Sorry to all of our followers who expected more productivity from us. Not really.

Anyway. It's been a time for family and togetherness.

Wooooo! Shirtless drinkin! Ok. Let's get bizzay.

So last night, Icehouse went and saw Love and Other Drugs. The movie a) is a late 90's period piece and b) features a lot of Anne Hathaway naked. Like, a whole lot. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT THIS MOVIE IS ACCEPTABLE TO SEE. The nudity was simply a ploy to make guys be all, "yeah, it was awesome, there was tits." No. The tits merely linked together one unfunny scene to the next. So yeah, go see Faster starring Dwayne Johnston.

Annnnyways.

First and foremost, the year in scandals. Taiwanese animation style.


Last night LeBron went all LEBRON JAMES on the Cavs. He knew he was going to have some animosity coming into the game, but he looks pretty surprised and butthurt from Mo Williams dissing him.


And now, here's a WHOLE LOT OF PUKE.


Downhill mountain biker Brian Lopes makes me want to shit my pants by flying down this course in Whistler, British Columbia.


Here's some super fun ski crashes, in honor of the opening of the season.


This is a new meme. It has immediately endeared itself to Lattimer and myself.


Charles Bronson kills hipsters. Bout fucking time.


So yeah. Fuck this week. Punch it in the face.

Jeopardy! is scared of Icehouse

Icehouse has applied to be on Jeopardy! several times. I've passed the test and everything I just never get chosen. True story. I figured it's just because they don't want me taking all of their money. Which I'd do. And I'd be mean about it. "What is 'Fuck you, pay me,' Alex.

Seriously, there's no way I would play nice with others.




Oh man. If you don't know what's coming next, you must be new here.





...wait for it...

Michael Vick Stars in Movies That Appear Only in Icehouse's Dreams.

A lone masked rider appears on the horizon. He comes from parts unknown, somewhere near the Adirondacks of the mid-Atlantic, maybe.

Haunted by his past, yet manipulated by a higher power, he battles on the side of the just in a struggle for the control of his destiny. Hunted by beasts and demons of all forms, he remains in perpetual motion. His guns are trained on the weak spots of the enemy's defenses. His eyes fixed on a goal seen by all, but whose meaning remains a mystery to all but he, the masked rider.

A wanderer with no home, no peace, no rest, he can only take solace in the sisyphean battle against netherworld evils from epochs past. This internal war provides the fuel needed to destroy the earthly foes.

Will he ever find peace within himself? Will he ever settle old scores? Will he ever defeat those who seek to destroy him?

We'll just have to wait and see.

video via BSO

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Did you know that Natalie Gulbis and Ben Roethlisberger used to date? I hate this world.

SO

It's late on Friday. Let's make this happen quick and dirty, the way Ben likes it.

If you grow a wankster mustache for Movember, I'll make you eat it.


Icehouse says OMG FUNK! This announcer says... something else.


This kid has mad flavor.


Allen Iverson is in Turkey. No, not playing basketball... yet. But, it's gotta be pretty fucking cool to show up in street clothes and get this kind of reception.


Remember, Gilbert Arenas poops in shoes.


That's it. Go to hell.

WE ARE GO FOR THE ASSOCIATION

FUCK YES. THE NBA RETURNS TONIGHT.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

SO! To preview the teams and get people excited, I present NBA Drinking Games: Opening weekend edition!

We got three games tonight. Two on TNT, and one that we probably won't get to see. Let's just dive right in.

-Drink at the beginning of any segment with Charles Barkley. It's the Chuck rule. Get used to it.

FIRST GAME: Miami at Boston, 7:30pm Eastern, TNT
Obviously the most hyped opening game in ages. No need to mention who's playing in this game, because it's all anyone's been able to talk about since the summer. The interesting subplot that people seem to have forgotten is that the Celtics are what people have lambasted the Heat for. Three superstars chose to play together in hopes of winning a title. Now the Celtics are the reigning championship runners-up, while everyone with a voice criticizes the Heat for representing all that is soulless and wrong in professional sports. Might as well get drunk for this one.
-Drink for any wacky introduction display. With Shaq on one team and Bron on the other, there's bound to be one.
-Floor seats for this game are going for $14,000. If they mention that, buy the most expensive bottle of wine from the nearest corner store, and you chug the whole thing out of your finest crystal.
-Drink when they show the celebrities in attendance. Make yourself throw up if they show Dane Cook.
-Drink for every dunk.
-Drink for every LeBron chase-down block.
-Drink for every Nate Robinson 3-pointer. Drink double if it fails to hit the rim.
-Finish your drink if you see Kendrick Perkins smile.
-Drink for every Rondo assist.
-Drink if they somehow involve Carlos Arroyo in a Hispanic Heritage Month promo.
-Pour a little out for Kevin Garnett. Man does he suck now.

NEXT GAME: Phoenix at Portland, 10:00p.m. Eastern
Steve Nash is going to miss Amar'e Stoudemire, and I'm going to miss seeing them play together. Portland really needs to just cut their losses in the Greg Oden experiment, because he's just not going to be useful.
-Take a bong hit and tell us in the comments section where you saw it, because I don't think it's on TV.

NEXT GAME: Houston at Los Angeles Lakers, 10:30p.m. Eastern, TNT
Despite actually getting a playoff victory last year, this Houston team has been on the way down ever since Ron Artest left. Yao Ming coming back just makes me think they're going to suck more. They're great as no-named underdogs, but once a star hits the court, they start to suck in a hurry. The Lakers will be getting their championship rings tonight.
-Drink for every ring handed out. Trust me, it'll make it go faster.
-Drink when they show Kobe's wife.
-When they show a Kardashian, ash a cigarette into a perfume bottle, drink the contents.
-Drink every time someone says, "China." Doesn't matter if it's on TV or in your living room.
-Drink every time Ron Artest does anything that goes on a stat sheet.
-Drink any time an announcer talks about how great the Pau Gasol/Yao Ming match up is. Finish your drink and throw the receptacle at the TV if someone says, "two of the best centers in the game."
-Drink if Brad Miller shoots a 3.
-Drink if Kyle Lowry dunks.
-Drink if Shannon Brown jumps really high.
-Drink if Chase Budinger touches the ball.

Ok. Load up on the booze, flip on the tube, and get ready to ball. Consider this the open thread for the games. If anyone has a good rule, feel free to let us know.

Last night, international basketball was more hood than the NBA

Exhibit A: Kevin Garnett got ejected from a preseason game last night after telling a ref that he got elbowed in the throat (first technical foul), then laughing about getting a technical foul (second technical foul). Up yours, new Tech rules.


Exhibit G: This insanity between China and Brazil.


Could this be a sign of the apocalypse? In Icehouse's view, almost certainly yes.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Good morning bumblefucks. Summer is winding down, like it or not. The good part is, we've finally gotten to see some football, and they start playing for real. We had our private fantasy draft over the weekend, which Stovall missed due to a "kickball playoff game" whatever the fuck that means. I guess fantasy football was too mainstream for our budding hipster.

Just kidding. He was outside running around and we were inside at our computers. But considering he now has to deal with an auto-drafted team, we'll call it a push.

But yeah, back to summer winding down. Summer is generally a heightened travel time because of kids not being in school and warm weather making everything more fun. So, this shit storm is vacation-related.

Specifically, what sports-related vacation would you most like to take? Want to go to an awesome event? I know a couple of people who traveled to South Africa for the World Cup. That's pretty badass. But yeah, go nuts. Fly somewhere for the World Series or Super Bowl. You can also go somewhere to participate in your own sport. Go to China to train in martial arts. Go cliff diving in Acapulco. Go heli-skiing in Banff, Canada. Go to the moon to play golf like Alan Shepherd.

What is Icehouse's choice? It's pretty simple.

Yes, you've seen that video before in these pages.

Icehouse is eurotrash? Sounds pretty silly, huh? Pfft. I'm the boss on this boat, you can call me skipper. No soy marinero, soy capitan, bishes. I'm in charge and I order around the eurotrash. YES!

So what sports related vacation would you go on? Seriously, be creative. I want my mind blown.

Caption Contest!

Ok, everybody shut up. Here's this thing. Gotta do it quick.

First of all, the Texans are having fun at camp.


Next up, Tiger Woods loses his grip.


And finally, Keith Hernandez and Rodney Dangerfield.


Have fun!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hi motherfuckers. We're partying with models like Wesley Sniejder this weekend. Into the pool, bitch.

Icehouse is also not wearing underwear. Let's get it on.

First up in this funbag, we gots probably the one video that blew up the internet the most this week. Enjoy, probably again.


And of course, the other biggest video of the week. If your registered in Tennessee, please vote for him.


I think that all Hobbers need to step up their game. Not that I don't love each and every one of you, I'm just saying that this brochacho has a little more steez than what I'm seeing here. Catch the beer, Hobbers. Catch the beer.


Eeek! Spiders!


Chris Kaman has got to be one of the only NBA players that I don't want to hang out with. Because he's ugly, you see, and Icehouse has a reputation to uphold. However, we do share a lot of the same tastes. Fireworks and Sleigh Bells, to be specific.


Hipsters. Ron Artest. Dodgeball. Family 1st. Queensbridge.


That's it. Icehouse is out of here. If you're near the ocean, come find me.