FUCK YES. THE NBA RETURNS TONIGHT.
Play it cool. Play it cool.
SO! To preview the teams and get people excited, I present NBA Drinking Games: Opening weekend edition!
We got three games tonight. Two on TNT, and one that we probably won't get to see. Let's just dive right in.
-Drink at the beginning of any segment with Charles Barkley. It's the Chuck rule. Get used to it.
FIRST GAME: Miami at Boston, 7:30pm Eastern, TNT
Obviously the most hyped opening game in ages. No need to mention who's playing in this game, because it's all anyone's been able to talk about since the summer. The interesting subplot that people seem to have forgotten is that the Celtics are what people have lambasted the Heat for. Three superstars chose to play together in hopes of winning a title. Now the Celtics are the reigning championship runners-up, while everyone with a voice criticizes the Heat for representing all that is soulless and wrong in professional sports. Might as well get drunk for this one.
-Drink for any wacky introduction display. With Shaq on one team and Bron on the other, there's bound to be one.
-Floor seats for this game are going for $14,000. If they mention that, buy the most expensive bottle of wine from the nearest corner store, and you chug the whole thing out of your finest crystal.
-Drink when they show the celebrities in attendance. Make yourself throw up if they show Dane Cook.
-Drink for every dunk.
-Drink for every LeBron chase-down block.
-Drink for every Nate Robinson 3-pointer. Drink double if it fails to hit the rim.
-Finish your drink if you see Kendrick Perkins smile.
-Drink for every Rondo assist.
-Drink if they somehow involve Carlos Arroyo in a Hispanic Heritage Month promo.
-Pour a little out for Kevin Garnett. Man does he suck now.
NEXT GAME: Phoenix at Portland, 10:00p.m. Eastern
Steve Nash is going to miss Amar'e Stoudemire, and I'm going to miss seeing them play together. Portland really needs to just cut their losses in the Greg Oden experiment, because he's just not going to be useful.
-Take a bong hit and tell us in the comments section where you saw it, because I don't think it's on TV.
NEXT GAME: Houston at Los Angeles Lakers, 10:30p.m. Eastern, TNT
Despite actually getting a playoff victory last year, this Houston team has been on the way down ever since Ron Artest left. Yao Ming coming back just makes me think they're going to suck more. They're great as no-named underdogs, but once a star hits the court, they start to suck in a hurry. The Lakers will be getting their championship rings tonight.
-Drink for every ring handed out. Trust me, it'll make it go faster.
-Drink when they show Kobe's wife.
-When they show a Kardashian, ash a cigarette into a perfume bottle, drink the contents.
-Drink every time someone says, "China." Doesn't matter if it's on TV or in your living room.
-Drink every time Ron Artest does anything that goes on a stat sheet.
-Drink any time an announcer talks about how great the Pau Gasol/Yao Ming match up is. Finish your drink and throw the receptacle at the TV if someone says, "two of the best centers in the game."
-Drink if Brad Miller shoots a 3.
-Drink if Kyle Lowry dunks.
-Drink if Shannon Brown jumps really high.
-Drink if Chase Budinger touches the ball.
Ok. Load up on the booze, flip on the tube, and get ready to ball. Consider this the open thread for the games. If anyone has a good rule, feel free to let us know.