Sunday, February 28, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

What's up Hobbers. I've been busy lately and I know you've missed my 5,000 word rants so I decided to take this shit storming opportunity to update you on the meaningless things I've been thinking about.

Make no mistake, shit storming is hard. You guys probably think I walk around complaining about shit, which I do, but It really is hard to come up with relevant topics every week.

First up, the Olympics. For some reason this has been my favorite Olympic competition. I don't know if it's the Hockey, USA dominating, or the curling, but for some reason I think the world just needed to chill the F out and kick back for a while. It's fitting that a Canadian held Olympics would end in a great game between the ice crazed host country and their neighbors to the south. That game is going to get blown out of proportion, but it reminded me why I enjoy watching hockey. At it's best you have six guys busting their ass simply because that's the only way they know how to play the game.

The whole Tim Tebow thing has gotten a little too strong for my taste recently, but let's get some things straight. First, the whole "intangible" argument actually holds some weight in football. Sure, it gets boring hearing about how guys are winners, but the game of football is inherently different than any other point. ESPN dumb shits have been saying that Florida, and Urban Meyer in particular, have done Tebow a disservice by running a non NFL offense. I think it's time to put this into perspective. First, Tebow has won a Heisman Trophy, 2 National Championships, and may go down as one of the best College Football players. Not to mention he got his entire education paid for. So he has that going for him, which is nice. Second, while pro potential is always a selling point for college coaches, it is not THEIR job to ensure their players become HOF's. And now that I'm making fun of stupid sports writers I'd like to point out that Tom Brady operated from the shotgun in at least 80% of his snaps last year. So that whole footwork argument goes out the window especially when, you know, THE PRIMARY TOOL FOR A QB IS HIS ARM AND FOOTWORK IS SIMPLY A BI-PRODUCT OF PROPER MECHANICS. To be sure, his motion does need work....ok a lot of work, but that has nothing to do with the offense he ran in college.

I'm sorry. So back to my main point of people trying hate on Tebow. Football is a different game, you need the right kind of mind to play it, and you really can't value players, coaches, teams, etc. statistically like you can in baseball. Don't get me wrong, I love sabermetrics, but football does not provide the controlled environment like baseball. Case in point: Pac Man on paper is one of the best defensive back's we've seen for a while. Athletically he's one of a kind, in terms of football IQ (YES JUST WATCH HIM PLAY) he's up there. However, Pac Man is baby Huey. He has the maturity of a 12 year old. He literally can't handle certain situations. On the flip end you have guys like Ronnie Lott or Walter Payton who were low on the athletic end but became HOF's.

Finally some administrative stuff. We will be having our second annual NCAA bracket pool so be on the look out for that.

Shit storm begin.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!

For Icehouse

The Olympics are almost over, but everyone needs to check out this gem from Stephen Colbert.
The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Olympic International Houses
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorSkate Expectations

Here's a video of Vince Carter hitting an 86 foot shot sitting down which makes total sense because he's too lazy to stand up and shoot.

Last week we had the crazy guy from Oakland, now we have the aftermath. YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!

Thhe NFL combine is this weekend, you're going to want the 40 second mark on this one.

I dare you to tell me you didn't go to college with someone like this. I'd also like to point out that they used a "LAX" player as their character.

Speaking of "LAX" get a load of dis fuggin guy.

Ok gang lets get after it. Rock Flag and Eagle.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bill Walton won't let a strike happen.

You've been warned.

The lockout season in '99 totally blew except for two things:
1) The Spurs won the championship.
2) It was Vince Carter's and Jason Williams' rookie year.

I highly doubt that there will be a lockout. Where Simmons (who gerbils, by the way) is wrong is that the superstars of the league aren't complaining. Players on middling and poor teams get paid more to stick around, and role players who take pay cuts get to play on higher profile teams, and ego-stroking is a supplement to cash.

Not only that, but EVERY team and EVERY big name player is excited for next season. Maybe a lockout would occur if the rapture doesn't actually happen, and everybody stays on their current teams (which I think is much more likely than LeBron and Wade playing for Jay-Z). But I doubt it.

Bill Simmons has been hawking this tired nonsense about the NBA's economics being fucked up for about five years now. Well yeah, Bill, if the only two teams you follow are the Celtics and Clippers, you might have a skewed view of things.

I'm not worried.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

It's a shame the NBA has been so great lately.

Because they're about to trash everything about it with a players' strike in the coming offseason. Silver lining? Plenty more time for scenes like this:

Ordinarily, I hate Bill Simmons, but he put together a fantastic little 10,000 word manifesto on why the current CBA sucks for everyone but role players and provides constructive criticism on how it could be fixed.

The only problem is this: it depends on a collective bargaining agreement between players and owners. So the athletes want protection in long-term deals, high league minimums, and they'd like compensation to scale to league tenure as much if not moreso than talent and productivity. Pop quiz: how much money will Jason Kapono earn this year? Remember him? Over $6MM. Check this out.

  • The Sixers have played 56 games this year. Kapono has played in 36.
  • He's third on the depth chart behind Rodney Carney at SF.
  • He's making $2,292,605.17 per point scored per game that Philly plays.
  • This isn't shocking news.

That last bullet point? Hardest part to believe. Think of it this way. Larry Hughes is getting paid $13MM this year. He's got a broken finger and is toast for the rest of the season. This shit is so complicated that a team traded for that. His only real value is his expiring contract. And while I'm no expert, that makes no linear, logical sense. Meanwhile, it took Kevin McHale roughly 40 years to get fired from Minnesota. Mike Dunleavy oversaw 600 losses at a 40% win rate. WHO WOULD PAY FOR THAT SERVICE?

The answer probably lies in the fact that team owners are irrational animals. They overpay for physiologically depreciating assets based on past performance. This is how Ken Griffey Jr. made a wheelbarrow full of cash while hurt for God knows what percentage of his time in Cincy. It's how Mike Hampton stole more than $10MM per year for what seemed like a decade on the injured list after one or two decent seasons in Colorado.

The difference is that baseball doesn't have a salary cap; basketball does. Or did. Whatever it is or was, it won't be this time next year. But owners will still be rich, players will still be paid like thieves, and the only people I feel bad for are season ticket holders and fans left weathering the players strike/lockout or whatever winds up going down.

This almost killed pro hockey and it took the Homerun Race Brought to you by Balco to make us forget the cataclysm of the players' strike in baseball. Is basketball immune? Thoughts?

Caption Contest!

Because of the quality amount of comments we got last week, we're going to have three more pictures. Let's get it on!

Elton John: "Higher kicks, boys! Like this! HIGHER!"

Kentucky's cheerleaders are distraught that they are no longer allowed to wear their uniform's hoods.

Iverson: "Should we teach Yao how to clap?"
Nash: "No, just... just ignore it."

So yeah. Any of the pictures are up for grabs. Make with the funny!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Round Rock Express fans show their patriotism

The fans of Houston Astros AAA affiliate, the Round Rock Express (named for their owner, Nolan Ryan) held open tryouts for our proudest tradition: singing our National Anthem before the first pitch of a baseball game.

I've never aspired to sing the Star-Spangled Banner, as I feel I would not do it justice. On the other hand, my lifelong dream has always been to celebrate our second-proudest tradition, which is to say, "This presentation may not be rebroadcast without express written consent from Major League Baseball."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

One thing we aspire to accomplish here at GRH is to know our readers. After may hours of intensive focus groups, polling, and examining spreadsheets that don't mean anything, we've come to one conclusion.

Hobbers get their drank on.

If you look at our mission statement you'll notice that we try to focus upon sports AND culture, so that's what we're gonna do right here.

The shit storm is as follows:

Favorite drink plus favorite bar game.

If you talk to other GRH staff members they'll tell you that I am a beer man, which is true. Nothing beats beats a nice frosty frat soda. I could drink it when it's 97 degrees outside and I'm drinking it now when the temperature is 30. In my opinion beer can get you through anything.

But beer is boring.

So my drink for the shit storm is a good ole vodka tonic. Is it for old people? yes. Is it for alchoholics? Perhaps. Is it delightfully refreshing? Fuck and yes. And know this, the initials for a vodka tonic is VT same as the pussy state of Vermont AND the Virginia Tech Hokies.

I think I'll take my chance with the Hokies.

Now to the bar game.

This is a tough one, the game I'm best at is obviously trivia night, but whenever we win I can't help but walking out of a bar feeling like a huge nerd. I also like darts and I feel that I'm pretty decent, HOWEVAH, that game is way too British for my taste. So the pick here is billiards.

I suck at pool but I can't help from feeling like a badass whenever I chalk up a cue. "The Hustler" was on the other day and I always want to become Minnesota Fats and beat punk ass kids in 24 hour epic pool battles. This will never happen, but it's still fun to think about.

So there's my pick, lets hear your take Hobbers.

Shit Storm Begin.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Dolph and Cookie Monster are ready to party. That's for sure.

We're coming for that ass! WOOOOO!

Ok. Let's just get down to business right now.

First we have a behind-the-scenes look at last weekend's NBA All-Star Game. It's crazy.

This video has been all over the internet this week, so it's worth posting. My favorite part is how the raptor just nonchalantly cruises on out of the arena afterward.

From Squirrel Tactics, we have a clip from BBC's "Top Gear." It's the second time we've had Ken Block on GRH, which is a figure that needs to increase.

Now for a little old school flavor. OMG! FUNK!

This may have been the most overblown thing on the world wide web this week. But you know what? A deserved beat down is always worth seeing a couple times. Oh, and I want the old guy's shirt.

Yes. Sweet. Hopefully everybody's dug themselves out of the snow by now. Let's get outside and have some fun.

GRH Exclusive: True, Southern Patriot Congratulates USA's Evan Lysacek

This was found in the GRH Mailroom on our fax machine. We can only assume its veridity enough to publish it, having checked with other media sources who received the same message, and leave it to you, the discerning reader, to determine its genuine authenticity. Read on and thank you.

-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

USA! USA! USA! USA! Hooooooboy! We got us a MASSACRE here, boy I will tell you what! We ain't even half way through these here O-Limpics up there 'round Canadia and already we're moppin' the floor with these other sumbitches! We got more metals [sic.] than Pittsburgh, baby! USA! USA! USA!

And we gotta give credit where credit is due. That belle of a woman Lindsey Vonn sucked it up like a man and skiied on that bad leggahers. That red-headed stepsister won at the halfpipe, like she's done over and over again, and against the menfolk! Well-done and bravo.

But even in the sissiest of "sports" has the flag of our fathers reigned soupreem [sic.]. I'm talking about...

(/accidently swallows mouthful of Skoal)'s figure skating.

I ain't never watched it before. I don't ever plan on watching it. That's for them people who float around and dance around like this right here (/jumps around oddly with wrists unfettered), not for me and not for most Amuricans. We like meat and potatoes. We like our trucks and four-wheelers. We like George Strait and we think that homewreckin' Keith Urban can make out with that Adam Lambert all he wants to in the presence of the Devil in his den in hell. Not for me, thank ye kindly.

But I'll be derned. This Evan Lysacek (I think it's pronounced like Licorice, like Twizzlers) gone and won for the US of A. How 'bout that. Bout time he did something meaningful for his country, I guess. I don't know. I didn't watch it.

I didn't watch one minute of his what-I-heard was a flawless performance; a dextrous combination of athletic prowess and regal grace. Not once was my television tuned to his masterful 6'2" frame, gliding through the air like an angel that done falled from heaven to say hey to us humans on Earth. I didn't see him stick every landing with the authority of a grown man commanding the Earth beneath him.

(/wipes drool off chin)

I think I was watching an episode of 'Reba' or something. Tammy's got a few of them reruns taped, so we watch it most nights.

Not saying I wouldn't have liked to have seen the Twizzler boy whip up on that ole Ruskie. From what I saw heard, he was walking in like the skatin' court the Hotel Del Queero and he was the pro-pry-etor [sic.]. Figures as much. You know what they say about them fairy Russians...gotta keep warm somehow! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHAWWWWWWGawh!

I was just happy to see one of them godless, sinful communist bastards git theirs. Heard he came back just for the gold medal, now safely in Amurica, where it belongs. Got nothing against him, the homo, and I hope he finds Jesus through this tragedy ah-his. Hate the sin, not the sinnin' queer, to quote my mama.

Too bad I didn't watch the whoopin, Lysacek threw down on him.

(/tobacco falls out of mouth, down shirt, to floor, arms fall to his side)

Maybe I would have half-way enjoyed the show. Maybe I could have actually stomached the way he masterfully skated along the ice with the precision of a vernerable brain surgeon; slicing and cutting his patient, the ice, with the tender care of a loving father. Hell, I mighta been able to sit through his routine, as his body moved with both the viscosity and purpose of liquid hot magma spouting from a volcano atop Mount Olympus, gleefully scaring all those who come into its contact with the happy memory of a performance so wonderfully demonstrated with the ease - yet strength - of a world class athlete; a portrait willfully etched into all who purveyed it for all time. Maybe I could sat comfortably instead of with my legs all bunched up, or even stand up knocking over my Dr. Pepper and my Bud Light, as he danced, in the truest form of the word, he danced to Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade, reflecting each note with a concordant move; as if the two were born of the same womb, destined to be paired together. And as the sinews of his quadracepts, torso and mighty shoulders melted together with the rest of his brut frame, losing all sense of individulity, rather becoming one mass, one energy, one synergy in lockstep with the rest of this beautiful thing we call the Universe, climaxing to a point in which every living soul and creature turned toward the rink, which was its epicenter and acknowledged "You are Supreme," maybe...

...uh, maybe I wouldn't have thought it was all THAT bad. Maybe chant "USA!" a coupla times. But I really. Can't stand that sissy crap. Not one bit.

(/adjusts pants, oversized belt-buckle)

So, uh, congrats Mon-sewer [sic: Monsieur] Lick-o-rish. USA? All the way!

I'm not gay.

Warmest Regards,

Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.
Goose Bucket, Alabama

Baby, we need to talk...

Lindsey, hey, how are you? Doing ok? Do you need anything? You sure? Ok. You're looking great. It's really great to see you.

Anyway baby, go ahead and take a seat.

Listen, you're a dream. I really do love you. But I just... I just think that what we've had between us has run its course. What? No! Don't be silly. Of course it had nothing to do with that. Baby, if it was... Lindsey, calm down. How could it be about you crashing yesterday, after I've seen you crash dozens of times before?

It's not that, it's just that there's been too much drama. This whole thing, it's taken our lives and turned them upside down. I can't handle the photo shoots, the autograph sessions, the interviews and speculation about your shin, the international travel... actually, scratch that, I like the international travel. But you've become more than just a skier. Do you think I like having some guy ask you to sign your autograph across your cleavage in the swimsuit issue? Do you think I'm comfortable with that? But that wasn't the worst. The worst was when you admitted to me that you don't even go skiing for fun. You've changed, Lindsey. Now it's a business to you, and that breaks my heart.

Like I said, I'll always love you. I will. I just think it's best that we part ways. And...
Yes, there's someone else. How did we-? I met her while you were beefing with Austrians in interviews! While you were getting therapy on your shin! While you were taking pictures in your skivvies! Her name's Julia.

Mancuso, right. How did you guess that? What? You guys know each other?

Oh, right. Well, then you should know. She's more fun. She doesn't take it, or herself, as seriously as you. She still likes skiing for fun, she even went out in the powder that Whistler had a couple of days ago. You work out in the summer, while she goes surfing. She's the one that's going to make me happy, not you.

You'll be fine. I'm sure you'll find someone great. I just hope you find happiness. You're too stern, baby, and that's not what I need in my life. I want to have fun, and you're not giving me that. Now if you'll excuse me, a hot tub is calling my name.

WOOO! Grab Julia's hoots, Chemmy!


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Boogie Cousins to Mississippi: "Then we shall fight in the shade!"

In the awesome movie "300," one guy in a skirt says to another guy in a skirt, "Oh shit, the Persians have like, a million archers. Word on the street is that their arrows block out the sun." This guy is a pussy, obviously. But that other guy, total badass, evidenced by his baller (h/t Icehouse, resident dean of urban slang) retort: "THEN WE SHALL FIGHT IN THE SHADE."

Let's be clear about a couple of things: Boogie Cousins don't wear no skirt, and Starkville is a long walk from Persia. Yet the Wildcats of Kentucky fought under similarly daunting conditions, knocking down improbable jumperz and jamz whilst artfully dodging the slings and bottles of an outrageous drunk student section. Things looked bleak for the heroes in Blue, trailing by 7 without any momentum, the Bulldog faithful frothing at their tobaccostained mouths, and only 3:00 on the clock. Would anyone survive?

The backstory. Mississippi State's unruly band of "students" undoubtedly broke numerous laws concerning intellectual property, privacy, and decency by illegally obtaining DeMarcus "Boogie" Cousins' cell phone number and posting it in the common areas around their nests and lairs. Soon thereafter, Cousins received death threats, racist text messages (how bourgeoisie!), and marriage proposals. All 1,000 MSU students with access to cell phones beleagured the promising student athlete leading up to the Tuesday night showdown on ESPN.

I patched up the tear in my kevlar from the '08 game and made the drive in my Mad-Max like dunebuggy of death. Several days later, I arrived in Starkville. After bartering for a ticket with a shifty-eyed scalper in head to toe camouflage lurking outside the parking lot, I made my way to the entrance. While cold outside, the temperature in their primitive arena, known collocquially as "The Hump" (undoubtedly some pathetic attempt at sexual innuendo) was hovering somewhere around 98.6F.

I knew we were in for a rough time when they brought out a 14 year old paramilitary fiddle prodigy going by the alias of "Ruby Jane Smith" to perform the Star Spangled Banner. Decked out in strange snakeskin boots, the crowd crowed with delight at her blasphemous, unsung, improvisational bastardization of the National Anthem. Ladies and gentlemen, you can't make this stuff up. How would I escape with my life?

The arena had been laid out in advance with color coordinated t-shirts; every other section had either a maroon or white shirt, most likely to accommodate patrons who arrived half nude. The effect was a dizzying pinwheel of snorting throngs, hurling insults and broken teeth at any of the few Kentucky fans within range. Wearing a bright blue hat and parka over my Kevlar, all I could do is hope for a genetic preponderance toward colorblindness in my section. Luck finally smiled upon me as the several towels I brought to mop up the whiskeycokes sure to be thrown in my direction went unused until midway through the first half.

Boogie Cousins was more than a man, he was a warrior. Straddling Kody Augustus in midair on his way to a dunk, he took no pity on his underfed opponents. Pity is for the weak. There was simply no room for compassion on this day. While Eric Bledsoe and DeAndre Liggins sought to test the limits of existential competiton by hitting only one shot apiece between their collective 13 attempts, John Wall and Darius Miller fought on for the Blue, keeping the score close in the worst conditions imaginable.

The game itself was frought with lead changes and intense competition. The brave but mentally challenged referees struggled to keep up with the action, frequently blowing their whistles when startled by the inhumane atrocities taking place in the booster section. Not wanting to look as though they blew their whistle in self defense, they relied instead on statistical tendencies moreso than observation of the game, awarding several bizarre calls to the Wildcats.

Smelling blood in the water, the frenzied Maroons dug their teeth into the poor bastard zebras; a hunter myself, it was all I could do to keep from putting the poor creatures out of their misery. It was like watching a blind mink in a snare, surrounded by wolves; dancing, flailing in a vain attempt at intimidation. I feared we may share a common fate.

As the second half drew to a close, I nearly prayed for defeat - perhaps that would calm these people down enough to permit my deliverance back to civilization. The man they call Black Kool Aid was immune to my cowardice, and drained a jaw-dropping baseline jumper with just seconds remaining, leveling the score. At the other end of the court, someone named Barry Stewart, probably in the witness protection program, attempted to lean into his defender as he attempted a three, twisting in the air and impressing all with his agility. The shot was an airball, and the game headed toward overtime.

With their "techno" and "hip hop" anthems deafening overhead, Jimmy Dykes and the ESPN crew courageously worked late into the night, here in this gallery of death off Highway 45. MSU's emaciated shot blocker, Jarvis Varnado, fouled out at the inept hands of the ref in regulation, nearly ensuring a Kentucky victory. As a sportsman, this saddened me as we all wanted State's best shot (figuratively).

Now things were really getting out of hand. A referee was nearly hit by a full bottle of fluid flung from the rafters, thumping on the floor and cratering the parquet as it ricocheted to the side. Several more cups, crags of ice, and stinking booze laden beverages followed; thank goodness these people forgot their hatchets and tomahawks. The bloodbath would have been unimaginable. Seconds ticked off the clock. Victory was in hand. Death was most certainly near.

Friends, I know now that I cannot call myself a man. I could feel the collective heartbeat of the mob through the concrete floor. All around me, my bretheren were in peril. In a panic, I threw on the maroon shirt laid in my chair before tip off, lit my program on fire, and joined the torchlit masses of State fans in the march to the parking lot. As they beat their drums and sharpened their knives, I slipped off into the night, cold sweat pouring off my shaking limbs. I return to you a traitor, a coward.

But I can say one thing. I went to Starkville, and I survived. In the words of Brother Icehouse, ball don't lie.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Why in the holy hell do I like curling so much?

That's USA skip, John Shuster.

I've been watching curling as much as I can and I am absolutely glued to the TV. First off it's one of those sports that requires little commitment. What I mean is that you can be doing something else, like blogging, while you watch it and with the pace of the game you won't miss anything. Second it has huge strategy. "OMG is he going for that inside draw or is he going to kiss off the red in the house?AHHHHH There are two high yellow guards!!!! Furthermore, everyone on the team plays every role, no weak links in curling.

The second thing is that curling is surprisingly compelling. As Im watching right now USA was down 4-0 and the end of 3 THEN scored 6 CONSECUTIVE to make the score 6-4 AND SHIT AS I SPEAK THE DIRTY SWISS HAVE JUST MADE A PERFECT CURL TO TAKE A POINT AND MAKE IT 6-5 AT THE END OF 10!!!! OHHHHHH man here comes the measuring stick!!!

I think another thing has to do with the coverage of curling. You get great commentary and in the abomination known as NBC sports you get to watch, you know, THE ENTIRE EVENT!!!

Last thing, have you seen the women's curling teams? They just contribute to the depth of the hotness in the Winter Olympics.

Shuster has a chance for a wide open draw to win.

-He curls.

-Needs to pick up.



-Shit it's close measuring stick/sonar comes out. (I think the Swiss have it)

-Damn Swiss got it by a big margin. EXTRA CURLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caption Contest!

This week, you get a hodgepodge to choose from. Which ever pictures tickle your fancy, just go nuts.

First, we have Chris Mullin showering with his dog.

"Who likes cleaning balls? Who does? Yes you do! Yes you do!"

Next, John Wall doesn't get a jersey that's spelled correctly.

Calipari: "The hell do you care? You're only here til March."

Bill. Fucking. Parcells.

There's really not any quotes that can do this one justice. Bill Parcells, and a Falcon. In your face.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Champion's League Open Thread

Some sweet ass UEFA action today. So if you need to break up the monotony of curling, switch it over to Fox Soccer. Although I will say, as absurd of a sport as curling is, and despite the fact that I know nothing about it, it's pretty engrossing.

Regardless. The sport that I wanted to see today, downhill skiing, has been either postponed (men's super combined) or canceled (women's downhill training). The women's 10K Biathalon is currently underway, just not on TV.

So quit sliding rock and brushing ice, fuckwads, and watch the Champion's League. The two games today are Olympique Lyon v. Real Madrid, and AC Milan v. Manchester United. A couple of notes:

-Lyon is Squirrel Tactics' dark horse for this tourney while Real Madrid is in a crazy amount of debt so that you can watch Kak√°, Xavi Alonso and Cristiano Ronaldo on the same team (you ungrateful cocks).
-This will be David Beckham's first game against Manchester United since leaving the club seven years ago.

Let's get it on. If you have anything to say on either Champion's League game or the Olympics, come on in and say hi. To the comments section!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

This little gem gave me some inspiration for today's shit storm topic. What is the greatest image change in sports. I think the best example is Muhammad Ali going from the brash champion to the most beloved athlete in the world.

But here's another example. Lou Holtz. I realize most of you hate Holtz because of ESPN and that's fine. But before his tenure at the WWL Holtz was a master motivator, firecracker on the sideline, defensive specialist, and had enough allegations surrounding him that would even impress Lane Kiffin.

What scandal do you want first, the blatant support of anabolic steroids? The lack of institutional control? Perhaps just flat out giving cash to players?

Now this isn't a hate fest on Holtz because I actually like the guy. These "allegations" are just to show you how much Lou has changed in the public eye. Now instead of being the hard line motivator he has become ESPN's bumbling clown for College football. (note: they need at least one clown per division)

There are many many more examples, Holtz was just to highlight one that most don't think about.

Ok Storm away.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Watch the Dunk Contest.

Or I'll rip your nuts off.

If you are anywhere near a TV and NOT watching the Dunk Contest, you are most assuredly gay. I hope you like the ballet, or whatever the fuck it is that you're watching.

Gerald Wallace is favored, which is weird, because the dunk contest doesn't involve committing turnovers. Nate Robinson is in the field. I really hope he doesn't do anything gimmicky. DeMar DeRozan gets to dunk after winning the dunk-in. My money's on Shannon Brown. Little man has some skies.

You either better be getting seriously funky, or watching the dunk contest.

Hey the Olympics are on!!!!

Yep the Olympics are underway and the torch is.....

/waits two awkward minutes


Since GRH is dedicated to serving the Hobbers out there I have navigated the labyrinth known as in order to provide you with today's schedule.

All times will be repping East Coast.

10:00 HBO 2 Real Sports.
The best sports show on TV will have it's Olympic feature including a profile of the flamboyant faux fur wearing figure skater Johhny Weir. You know what they say about Johnny Weir? Johnny Weir is a.......
Really good figure skater and our best chance at medaling in the event.

2:00 NBC Ski Jumping.
Ski Jumping is one of my favorite events. It has a certain amount of drama and potential for disaster, but the best thing is seeing a jump distance and screaming "holy shit that guy just jumped a football field."

3:00/8:00 CNBC Women's Hockey.
Sweeden takes on Switzerland in the opening game, while host country Canada takes on Slovokia in the prime time game.
Women's Hockey, CATCH THE FEVER!!!

8:00 NBC Men's 1500 m short track
Men's Downhill, Women's Moguls.
The Men's downhill has been postponed due to slush, but fear not. If you were looking for over hyped athletes Apolo Ohno will look to become leading winter medalist/soul patch connoisseur in the short track event. I don't know anything about Moguls other than it's awesome, and I hate them when I'm on a snowboard.

Thoughts, observations, Olympic spirit in the comments.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The NCAA has sex with their socks on

Here's the latest addition of the NC double assholes chronicles.

Two rulings coming out from the NCAA

1st players should get a doctor's clearance before resuming practice following a concussion.


This reaks of "no shit" but as a former member of the "I feel piss ass drunk right now, better not tell coach" crowd it is a step in the right direction.

But then we get this fucking gem.

"Taunting and prolonged individual acts have no place in our game, and our officials have generally handled these rules well," said former Oregon coach Mike Bellotti, the committee chair. "This is just another step in maintaining our game's image and reflecting the ideals of the NCAA overall."
So now the NCAA is afraid of hurting the fragile little ego's of the players they knowingly inflate during recruiting, bowl week, and the various ESPN segments.

Most importantly we'll never see anything like this again.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Graham Watanabe fantasizes about unicorn porn.

Graham Watanabe (in the red jersey, kicking ass) is an elder statesman in the land of snowboard cross. At almost 28, he's far older than his main competition, fans, or even some coaches. In spite of not being, well... successful (31st in the Turin games, best finish in FIS competition is 6th), he's one of the bigger names, and a leader on the team.

But the Sun Valley native can still freak your ass out. It sounds like he gets weird with himself on a daily basis. He described his second Olympic appearance as, "Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth I somehow tame it and ride it to the sky and clouds and sunshine and rainbows."

Shyeah, brah!

If Bode Miller or Speedy Peterson said something like this, there would be media uproar about them being on something. Poppycock. If America learns one thing from Michael Phelps, it should be that recreational drugs make our Olympic athletes better. So keep kicking ass, Graham. We'll be watching this upcoming week. Hopefully in a similar state of mind as you.

I hate February

Well, looks like ole Lattimer is going to be hunkered down in Ft. Lattimer because mother nature just took a giant snow shit on my area. What better way to pass the time than drinking and blogging.

Football is over, and I really don't want to talk about it but February has to be the most depressing month of the year. Football is over, the forecast is always gray with chance of depression, and at least for me baseball is still weeks away. Situated in the middle of this month is Valentines day, the most pointless holiday in the world. Regardless of whether you're single, in a relationship, or married it will ruin your shit. Single=OOOOOOOHHHHH I'M SO ALONE. Relationship=Shit I have to find some fucking gift, set up a reservation, and order flowers on top of all the other shit I have going on. Married=Uhhhh I guess we have to talk to each other. Or you could be like me and not give two shits either way.

But back to football, it figures the bastard child of a month (28 days?) would produce this news. When asked by OCNN (Ocho Cinco news network) NFLPA chief DeMaurice Smith said on a scale of 1-10 the likelehood of a lockout in 2011 was "14" I'll let that sink in.

Am I the only one freaking out about this, a season without NFL football?!?! Natually this would blow to no end, but think about the impact it would have on American culture. Honestly, think about all of the things tied up in the National football league. I'll wait.

Now from what I know about Smith he may just be puffing up, but it's freaking me out right now.

Last bit of news, February also just brought us this gem. My St. Louis Rams have indeed found an owner who is willing, nay committed to keeping the team in the gateway city. His name? Shahid Khan. I hope you clicked on that last link because I'll be using it any time I talk about the Rams. Along with this.

For the first time since 2003 I am proud to be a Rams fan. Look at that fucking stache. Honk if you're Horny.

Now usually February sucks because of the dead sports time, but now we have the Olympics. I'm one of those who always gets into the Olympics, and especially the Winter version. I'm trying to think of something, but I want to say that there isn't one event that I simply won't watch. Maybe ice dancing or something? Anyway to me it's nice to see events that you only see every 4 years. My personal favorite is the Norwegian drive by, also known as the biathlon. I also think the athletes are more interesting. Take the snowboarders for example, the lovable high as hell, snowboarders. U.S snowboarder Graham Watanabe recently told reporters about his Olympic experience.
Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth I somehow tame it and ride it to the sky and clouds and sunshine and rainbows
USA all the way.

If you need more motivation I think Icehouse has shown you the hotness that comes with being a female skier.

Yes I know she's injured, but still

A final note, February also brings with it insane snow storms. My region just got shit on yesterday and while I do appreciate getting off work, I hate and I mean hate shoveling snow. My neighborhood is now a series of snow trenches, tunnels, and passages rivaling the Somme. However there is one cool thing about snow, and that is driving a snow plow. When I was a kid I always wanted to drive one just blasting snow out of my way, and covering cars all within the comfort of a climate controlled cab.

So yeah, while I still hate February this one is shaking out pretty well, especially when you get a pictorial on European fire festivals.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Athletes in the age of the Internet.

If you want to lose faith in the certainty of human evolution, go read the comments under virtually any Youtube video, newspaper column, or ESPN article. Frankly, it restores my belief in a higher power. It would take the intervention of a heavenly power to keep our idiot species alive. On aggregate, humanity is all too eager to publicly demonstrate its own ignorance, and the anonymity of the internet has only provided a wider reaching forum of terrifying disambiguation. Whether you're looking at old men stalking high school recruits before they even set foot on campus, opining on Tiger Woods' moral virtue, or filming their own youtube editorials on the officiating in college football, social media is enough to convince this old codger that the time for democracy has long since passed.

Enter poor, misguided Pierre Henderson-Niles. Let's start off by stating the obvious and work from that given: There is zero reason for a D1, revenue sport, major college athlete to have a Twitter, Facebook, or whatever else that isn't administered by their athletic department. But for sane veterans (and we're looking askance at you Ma-Bu-Li), the same rule really applies to professional athletes as well. Your respective organizations have the resources to manage your electronic image and 'by-line.' Let them.

What's the harm in cutting your electronic shit loose? Please observe. This excerpt comes from a column in the Commercial Appeal noting the electronic papertrail left by Henderson-Niles, who left the Memphis Tigers basketball team midseason:
  • May 30, 2009: Da way I’m feeling rite now ,I jus wana say (expletive) everything women ,fam ,ball ,just leave it all … dis (expletive) aint cool..
    June 18, 2009: Jus had to kic dis (expletive) out my crib… Get da (expletive) out (expletive). Finna go to da gym..
    Aug. 28, 2009: already dis liking sum ppl n da uofm family..
    Aug. 31, 2009: Doin 1 of my favorite hobbies …getting inked up.. Then off to da gym 4 da 3rd time today.. Eat ,sleep ,and (expletive) basketball..I love dis game
    Sept. 2, 2009: Is in class it gne b a great day .. 2nd day of workouts with the coaches … we have some cool coaches real talk .. slice happy they came
    Sept. 4, 2009: In class tryin to pay attention but dis (expletive) jus aint 4 me
    Dec. 1, 2009: Y r these ppl so worry bout tigers woods . When he aint hurt no 1 nore kill no 1. Hate da media always blow things up bigger than it is
    Dec. 27, 2009: Sitting on da bus talkin to 2 of my teammates about woman.. I have a ? Why do woman put men on child support wen the dude take care of his baby? Dnt understand
    Dec. 29, 2009: (expletive) da Vols.
    Jan. 27, 2010: Tricc (expletive) refs I’m glad dis game ova.. bac to da m town.. it feels so gud to b a tiger. I’ll ride for any (expletive) n my clicc. I’ll go ham.
    Feb. 2, 2010: Its a lot of fake (expletive) tigers fan out there. Boi I tell u.. but I love da tru tiger fans..
    Feb. 4, 2010: Da mo hawk is bac
    Feb. 5, 2010: In math class paying attention n still dnt understand dis stuff.. who invented dis (expletive)
As Scott Cacciola points out in the article, the thesis here isn't, "damn he's an idiot." Look, all college dudes are idiots; some manage this reality better than others, but they (read: we) all are capable of mindnumbing stupidity. If anyone had access to my inner monologue, I'd be imprisoned or killed on principle. If anything, the lesson here is to destroy the internet.

Ask Michael Phelps. Some asshole shows up to a party in South Carolina - quickly becoming the land of ruined public reputation - and his all fancy aquatic achievements are reduced to a swimming-in-bongwater punchline. But seriously, this is another reason to fire the Memphis AD: on top of letting their best basketball and football coaches in program history leave within a year, he has zero control over his student athletes. It's simple. If you aren't on top of how your organization is broadcast to the public, it'll get out of hand quickly.

As for his plans now that Memphis basketball is a thing of the past, Henderson-Niles notes in the article that he begins work at Wendy's on Monday.

At the risk of overextending causality in his case, you can rest assured that we're all a few embarassing tweets/facebook pics/etc away from the very same. There's far too much at stake to "be yourself" in a visible forum.

Caption Contest!

To continue with our veritable retching of posts, I give you an old school clip. Mike Tyson is here, joking around with Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden.

An odd picture, to say the least. Well, odd now. Back then it was three athletes at their peak. But then the fall began. Oh, how they fell. Tyson beat the crap out of Robin Givens, spent some time in jail, bit some guy's ear off, got a face tat, and now is just a fat, inarticulate shell of a man who trades off of our society's love of self-mocking celebrity cameos.

Strawberry and Gooden on the other hand? They're just your average recovering cocaine addicts. Well, average in the sense that Gooden seems to be doing alright, but Strawberry is in and out of jail/rehab, and has a son who played a season for the Suns.

So yeah. Go nuts.

"I'm gonna eat your children, and put Strawberries on top of them. You know, for the irony."

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Olympics.

Well it doesn't.

And Julia Mancuso is still way hotter. Believe you me. She's just not as big of a name, even though she's medaled in the Olympics and Vonn hasn't (Yes, Vonn is better. Yes, she's more successful in the World Cup circuit).

Regardless. This has absolutely nothing to do with the Olympics.

Rick Barnes: Highest Paid Moron in NCAA BB

Seems like a nice guy and all, which is good. He'd better be. He's a horrible basketball coach. Please observe:
TJ Ford (2003, 1st Rd, 8th Pick)
LaMarcus Aldridge (2006, 1stRd, 2nd Pick)
Kevin Durant (2007, 1stRd, 2nd Pick)
DJ Augustine (2008, 1st Rd, 9th Pick)
Damion James (Proj 2010 13th Pick)*
Avery Bradley (Proj 2010 15th Pick)*
Dexter Pitman (Proj 2010 27th Pick)*
Dogus Balbay (Proj 2010 Pasha of Turkish BB)*
WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED RICK BARNES? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FAILING? It's like every year the guy buys a new Ferrari but runs it into a lake before he can get it home from the dealer. Last night's game was pretty tough to watch, mostly because I wanted Kansas to lose. How is Texas this bad? What has he done?
2003: 1 seed, lost to 3 seed
2004: 3 seed, lost to 7 seed
2005: 8 seed, lost to 9 seed
2006: 2 seed, lost to 4 seed
2007: 4 seed, lost to 5 seed
2008: 2 seed, lost to 1 seed
2009: 7 seed, lost to 2 seed

Now, there's no shame in losing to Carmelo in '03, or to Big Baby/Tyrus Thomas/Temple etc in '06, or to DRose and CDR in '09. But with all that talent, plus an AJ Abrams, PJ Tucker, Boobie Gibson here and there, you'd have to ask yourself whether or not an elite program would be satisfied with 1 final four over all of that time.
And I love him. Why? Because he's the epitome of what is still great about college ball: it takes more than recruiting to win.
* From; I have no idea if they know what they're talking about.

Randall Thinks These Two Colts Should Get a Room

"So, is it hard to kick field goals in rollerblades and hot pants?"

Texas may lose, but they're still cooler.

No way would a Longhorn be caught dead looking like this dipshit. Nuh uh. Furthermore, Cole Aldritch is a giant sack of lame. He'll be like Brian Cardinal. What a wiener.

Enjoy the win, Jayhawks. Have fun doing whatever there is to do in Lawrence. The 'Horns are perfectly content to just be all-around cooler people. And to make boatloads more money next year. Fuck a degree, we're going to the League!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Non-Footballing Super Bowl Recap!

Okay, so for most of us who don't live in the city of Indianapolis or the state of Louisiana, last night's game was just a good contest between two great QBs with pretty baller defenses. The game itself didn't disappoint, coming down to a key play ("OH MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT PICK?! PEYTON MANNING IS BAD AT FOOTBALL."). But, again, for most of us, we were likely needing the whole package to keep us glued: a good game AND a healthy dose of thoughtless entertainment.

Here's a review of some of the non-football elements of the Super Bowl.

Warm Fuzzies: The Great Spirits of Humanity and Triumph, which brought you such notable hits as Jesus of Nazareth, Rudy, the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile and Barack Obama have come through again to give you Walking on Water: The 2009 New Orleans Saints, which is the feel-good story everyone wanted. This is somewhat football related, in that the outcome of the game determined it, but get ready to hear about "just what this Super Bowl means to the city devastated by a Hurricane only four years agoooo..." I blacked out; what happened. What did I miss.

Nothing wrong with it or anything, but I'd like to think that the city of New Orleans has plenty to be proud of, even if the milk-drinkers of Indy had prevailed last night. But good for them, good for New Orleans. Now they have what they've never needed and have done fairly well without: a reason to get blackout drunk in early-to-mid February.

Who's Playing at Halftime?: Ever since Janet Jackson's boob happened in 2004, and MTV was banned from hosting anymore Super Bowl halftimes, the overhyped mid-game celebration has sported a roster of increasingly elderly bands and frontmen, like the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and Bruce Springsteen. This is been to most everyone's liking.

The Who played this year, and I was much more entertained than in years previous. Of course, I like The Who more than those other guys, but I thought it was a better set, anyway. Keith Moon's son wasn't Keith Moon, but if you can't get Keith Moon, being that he's dead and all, you may as well get Keith Moon's seed to play. Townshend's performance was a 33% for me: He windmilled, but no powerslide? No guitar smash? Those are three classic and iconic rock moves that he himself coined. I understand his elder state may have hindered the powerslide (no one wants to see an old man shatter his own kneecaps on National Television [except me]), but he could have at least thrown a guitar or two down.

A Reason to Put a TV in the Bathroom: Making urine during a football game is and should be relegated to the commercials. But this silly Super Bowl, making better commercials for the game? For shame!

Luckily, most Super Bowl commercials are disappointing.

I think we may have hit a low point in the collective intellectual humor of the nation as a whole. Many more commercials than I can count featured the same premise: Is that a MAN? Not wearing all of his CLOTHES? But he is in/looks like he belongs in a REGUALR OFFICE SETTING! BWAHAHAHAH GETMETHATPRODUCTINBULKRIGHTNOW! The Denny's commercials with the screaming chicken was good, and reminded me I haven't been to Denny's in awhile and that Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday might be a good day to go. I don't think Miller Lite even tried to compete this year.

And of course...
"Omigah, this was like so bad and offensive and bad. I mean, abortion is like awesome and Tim Tebow used to be awesome, but now he is like not awesome." Talk about making a detrimentally bigger deal out of something than it is, which is what I think the groups who were out to harpoon this commercial did. They made a big stink out of something that was, for all intents and purposes, rather benign.

The group NOW, the primary deal-raisers, and their president made a weak statement saying that they weren't offended by the anti-abortion message so much as the violence against women it encouraged. Yeah, because Tim Tebow fake tackling his mother does that. /slaps forehead. When the anti-abortion group gets ads putting coat hangers and fetuses in my face during the Super Bowl, then I'll hear your valid complaints.

The best commercial in my book is still a commercial that's been out for awhile: Wal-Mart's Clown-Stepping-On-Unicorn. Hooboy.

Other Goings On:

+ I thought Jim Nantz did a good job in the booth. He's can get professionally excited. Meanwhile, I think Phil Simms may have significant brain damage, or voice immodulation disorder. Or both!

+ The Puppy Bowl was adorable. My thoughts was that they could use humane society dogs up for adoption in the bowl and tell everyone that puppies not adopted from the Puppy Bowl would, you know...not be around anymore. That would probably move some puppies off the shelves pretty fast(Oh, God, I'm just kidding, remove the wad of panties from your butthole).

+ I made sausage balls for the party last night. Four cups Bisquick, four cups cheese and a tube of sausage. Last time I made them, they came out too-buscuity, so naturally, this year I added more sausage. This created a contained grease fire that burned the bottoms of the balls. Once those were removed, they were pretty good. Better luck next year.

+ Pretty cool web site here pitting the 44 Super Bowls against the 44 Presidents of the United States. SPOILER ALERT! Super Bowls won 24-20, but that's only because we've had a string of not-as-good Presidents as of late. However, rest assured Clinton vs. XLII (Giants vs. Pats) was a barn-burner.

All in all, pretty good. Can't wait until baseball season. Then it will be football again. Good times, good times. Feel free to add your thoughts, musings, and et cetera in the comment section.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

HOLY GOAT SNOT! The weekend is here and I'm so pumped about it. Two days of doing that which I already do all the time. THIS MIND IS BLOWN! Super Bowl, underrated Comedians and a battle to determine which puppy is cuter: I may stomp on my own face on Monday, just because it'll be Monday, and my face will deserve it.

Oh yeah. Friday videos on which you can suck.

I am perpetually let down by Super Bowl commercials. Leaking this one early and setting the bar so high may be the death blow, inBev.

This weekend I'm going to see Norm Macdonald perform stand up in St. Louis. I'm going to try in earnest to meet him. And befriend him. And hang out with him. And deliver his eulogy. Here's part of his anti-roast of Bob Saget.
The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget
Norm Macdonald
Joke of the DayStand-Up ComedyFree Online Games

Gayest Recruiting Video of All Time: Lane Kiffin's 13-year old recruit.


Been watching a buttload (yes! one butt!) of Zach Galifiankis. Here's a taste:

Hanging Like My Nuts.

Finally, a sketch troupe that everyone needs to enjoy, Human Giant. This is a good - but not their best - sketch. Look up more.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

This is why America is worth fighting for.

Icehouse update!: This shirt is now up to $91 on ebay. No shit.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Caption Contest!

Kobe: Hey Steph, who do you think is going to bang more bitches?
Marbury: I think it's going to get us both in trouble.


Kobe: So, I forced Charlotte to trade me to the Lakers.
Marbury: WE can influence the TEAM's personnel? Fascinating.

Two players whose promise was endless and whose careers took fascinating turns. What could they possibly be thinking after they just got drafted?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Winter Olympics Style Icons

As the winter Olympics approach I have been giving a lot of thought to a previous post we had about the hottest female athletes and I stumbled upon this list  which counted down the hottest females of the Winter Olympics. They named Kristi Leskinen a US freestyle skier number 1. I can see why:

She's absolutely gorgeous, and there is an important style message to be learned from her-no matter what you're doing you should always put your best feature on display. Even though winter sports force her to cover up that phenomenal body, her lips are always showcased, and they have to be her best feature hands down:

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

Well first off we have to pick the Superbowl Winner.


If you're going to pick a winner on this blog you better fucking have a favorite doughnut as well.
Honestly, I must have devoured 20 doughnuts yesterday and it is my belief that people who do not like doughnuts are either 1. evil 2. Something just isn't there. So yeah we had a debate about flavors, like to hear the Hobbers perspective.

Lattimer: Saints/Boston Cream.