Round Rock Express fans show their patriotism

The fans of Houston Astros AAA affiliate, the Round Rock Express (named for their owner, Nolan Ryan) held open tryouts for our proudest tradition: singing our National Anthem before the first pitch of a baseball game.

I've never aspired to sing the Star-Spangled Banner, as I feel I would not do it justice. On the other hand, my lifelong dream has always been to celebrate our second-proudest tradition, which is to say, "This presentation may not be rebroadcast without express written consent from Major League Baseball."

It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade 8 of 9 Starters for Gold Bond, Ankle Weights, and Bottle of Robitussin

PITTSBURGH — With the NL Central Pittsburgh Pirates pulling up the rear in the division for the past decade, the Pirates' front office has decided to shake up the entire organization to optimize their returns on investments by trading all of their regular starters for various items, such as a pound of Gold Bond medicated foot powder, ankle weights to increase endurance, and other sundry items.

"I can't complain," said Skipper John Russell. "I'm not unconvinced that the guys we're paying bird nuts can't do any better than the guys we're actually paying. It's a cost-benefit thing."

Russell then left to make sure he was one of the first in line for the Gold Bond, saying "that stuff goes fast."

The only player to remain is right fielder Brandon Moss, who is currently making only $411,500, and also happened to walk into the boardroom where these negotiations were taking place.

"I was in the right-field place at the right-field time," joked Moss, who now has to supply the entire stadium with RingPop concessions, which was to be one of the other to-be-traded items before Moss wandered in.

Asked which teams received the aforementioned octet of displaced players, James Benedict, special assistant to the General Manager, pointed at a nearby Walgreen's, where former players Matt Capps and Adam LaRoche were seen in aprons, stocking the shelves of the 4th-of-July-holiday decor and womens' hygiene sections respectively.

Caption Contest!

"Nobody ever says 'goose' on me. I'm always 'duck.'"

or...

Johan can't wait for the end of story time.

or...

"ANTS! ANTS IN MY PANTS!"

These were pretty weak. Whoever can beat these and make it to Austin, the booze is on me.

A-Rod Ultimately to Blame for Manny Testing Positive For Performance Enhancing Drugs

SUNNYVILLE, Fla. — Alex Rodriguez, the beguiled and admittedly juiced Yankees 3B, had no comment to allegation that Manny Ramirez had indeed tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, which is undoubtedly the fault of A-Rod, who is currently rehabbing in Florida from an injury incurred while dog fighting.

A-Rod cowardly denied any involvement with the former Red Sox slugger, despite a number of allegations that he is in fact to blame.

"I have no f***ing idea what you're talking about," said a tear-soaked and obviously guilty Rodriguez.

The reporter, disgusted with the Yankee's obvious disdain and irreverence toward the game of baseball, turned away to vomit.

The hapless and down-right-happy-go-lucky Manny Ramirez said he believes A-Rod betrayed him and the game itself when he himself tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

"Is just Manny being Manny," the slugger said through a bright and wide grin, causing all of the reporters to chuckle, guffaw, and get autographs.

Commissioner Bud Selig applauded the effort of the investigative team that followed the bread crumbs from Ramirez's positive testing back to A-Rod.

"I was honestly a little worried back there for a bit," said Selig. "I didn't think that we had enough evidence to connect the dots and pin the guy (A-Rod) down, that a-hole.

"I'm just glad justice is being served."

Manny was erroneously suspended for 50 games instead of A-Rod, yet tragically, as soon as he was cleared of the suspension, he pulled a hammy and will sit for the next 50 games anyway. Reports that Mark McGuire may be behind the injury are still pending.