Pittsburgh Pirates Trade 8 of 9 Starters for Gold Bond, Ankle Weights, and Bottle of Robitussin

PITTSBURGH — With the NL Central Pittsburgh Pirates pulling up the rear in the division for the past decade, the Pirates' front office has decided to shake up the entire organization to optimize their returns on investments by trading all of their regular starters for various items, such as a pound of Gold Bond medicated foot powder, ankle weights to increase endurance, and other sundry items.

"I can't complain," said Skipper John Russell. "I'm not unconvinced that the guys we're paying bird nuts can't do any better than the guys we're actually paying. It's a cost-benefit thing."

Russell then left to make sure he was one of the first in line for the Gold Bond, saying "that stuff goes fast."

The only player to remain is right fielder Brandon Moss, who is currently making only $411,500, and also happened to walk into the boardroom where these negotiations were taking place.

"I was in the right-field place at the right-field time," joked Moss, who now has to supply the entire stadium with RingPop concessions, which was to be one of the other to-be-traded items before Moss wandered in.

Asked which teams received the aforementioned octet of displaced players, James Benedict, special assistant to the General Manager, pointed at a nearby Walgreen's, where former players Matt Capps and Adam LaRoche were seen in aprons, stocking the shelves of the 4th-of-July-holiday decor and womens' hygiene sections respectively.

“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”

“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”
-Det. Jimmy McNulty


Well, now you’re a Bill. Great. I hope it works out for you. I really and truly do. I was personally holding out hope that the Titans would bring you back home, and add the one thing they’ve been missing. But you know, you gotta do right by you.

A lot of folks have been saying things like “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” That’s not me. I watched you on virtually every play. I saw what you did. I saw what you gave, and you earned your keep, as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m the only person that saw it. You see, people here in Dallas tend to read tabloids and the like. Because of this, most people remember 2007 like this.


Not me, Terrell. I actually watched the games. You blocked your ass off. Felix Jones probably owes half his touchdowns to you, and those were some sweet touchdowns. On the best days, you could finish someone off and beat whoever had the ball to the end zone. Those were the good days. Jason Witten owes half of his touchdowns to you, also. Most defenses were freaking out about how to stop you from doing anything.

Mostly, as a Cowboys fan, I’ll remember that you put an end to Drew Bledsoe’s reign of terror. You know what it’s like watching Drew Bledsoe play football? It’s like watching paint dry. Then age. Then crack. Then fall leafily to the ground. As a fan of the game, I’ll remember you the way you deserve to be remembered, as the best player on the field for my team.

Most people only see the “I love me some me” side of you. They even mock the sensitive, team player side of you.
That’s because people are haters, T.O. You just have to shake haters off.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I’m really looking forward to some good stuff coming from you being teamed up with Marshawn Lynch. Hopefully you hit it off with him. I don’t know why, but I think you guys might see eye to eye on some issues.

Have fun up there, man. If you need me to drive up there and whoop Trent Edward’s ass, just holla. I’ll do it. For you, Terrell. For you.