Pittsburgh Pirates Trade 8 of 9 Starters for Gold Bond, Ankle Weights, and Bottle of Robitussin

PITTSBURGH — With the NL Central Pittsburgh Pirates pulling up the rear in the division for the past decade, the Pirates' front office has decided to shake up the entire organization to optimize their returns on investments by trading all of their regular starters for various items, such as a pound of Gold Bond medicated foot powder, ankle weights to increase endurance, and other sundry items.

"I can't complain," said Skipper John Russell. "I'm not unconvinced that the guys we're paying bird nuts can't do any better than the guys we're actually paying. It's a cost-benefit thing."

Russell then left to make sure he was one of the first in line for the Gold Bond, saying "that stuff goes fast."

The only player to remain is right fielder Brandon Moss, who is currently making only $411,500, and also happened to walk into the boardroom where these negotiations were taking place.

"I was in the right-field place at the right-field time," joked Moss, who now has to supply the entire stadium with RingPop concessions, which was to be one of the other to-be-traded items before Moss wandered in.

Asked which teams received the aforementioned octet of displaced players, James Benedict, special assistant to the General Manager, pointed at a nearby Walgreen's, where former players Matt Capps and Adam LaRoche were seen in aprons, stocking the shelves of the 4th-of-July-holiday decor and womens' hygiene sections respectively.