Thursday, July 30, 2009

Where Would Vick End Up Based On Fansanity?

Oh my blog! Zack's not writing purely satirical musings that are so random it can't be described as hit-or-miss, but more like run over by a car-or-slip into a diabetic coma? No way! This must be something groundbreakingly interesting!

Wrong on all counts. I'm just that bored.

I'm thinking about this whole Michael Vick thing. It's one of those universal concepts that even arouses the minds of the most lackluster fans of football and sports in general. Should a player who's done something as egregious as Vick be allowed to play again? The consensus seems to be 'yes,' as far as the Trier of Men's Souls Roger Goodell would say.

But now ya gotta find a place to stick him, Sally.

Now there are obvious hurdles. Nobody couldn't use many consider to be the most electrifying player in the game. By the time you get to the professional level, you rarely see a guy you have to watch every single play because he could very likely score. That's Pop Warner stuff, like the kid who hits puberty two years before everyone else. And, Vick will likely be a monetary steal. It's a win-win in that regard.

I don't think that any team right now lacks the offensive talent to pick up Michael Vick. This is the NFL we're talking about. While many would look to the Raiders, Lions and maybe Titans as the most likely candidate due to such a dearth, I'm unconvinced it is so.

One has to consider the fans and your teams' respective fan base. Anybody who thinks that PeTA doesn't have an armed, mobile unit ready to deploy and reside in any city whose NFL team decides to take the chance on Vick is as dumb as a warm jar of mayonnaise. I can feel their anger now. Heck, there are plenty regular people who don't cover themselves in blood and urine for a living who might think that this Vick guy ought not be making millions to play football.

The team that selects Michael Vick is going to have to have a fan base on the two far ends of the Fansanity Spectrum: the most blindly devoted band of morally unconscious, drunken die hards one could ever encounter OR a population that is barely aware that a professional football team even exists in their state or region, and when they notice that their city is playing, ask questions like "Who won the match?"

Basically, my theory is that in order for Vick to be a profitable catch, the team in question is either going to have be able to weather the storm without a lot of dissent from the devoted or have a net effect of zero difference, because the fans don't show up anyway.

The comment section is open to any other theories, proffering, amendments or complaints, but these are my selections.


Dallas — There aren't a lot of state's big enough to hold two football teams. There aren't a lot of teams that can take all of the fans from that state away from the other team. There aren't a lot of teams that have been deemed "America's Team" to little or no complaint. Dallas encompasses all of these things.

This isn't necessarily homerism, although, by KSK law, Man can only have one team and must hate all others, and with the close ties between Dallas and Arkansas (proximity and alumni), the Boys are a natural fit. I don't know of other team who could look at a guy like Vick, take a swig of Shinerbock, and then tell you all the reasons that not only is this the right move for the Boys, but why Mike Vick is a stand-up guy, why you're not and why you're about to be punched in the face.

Boom. Faced.

New England — Anti-Homerism is a temptation, but I shall decline. New England fans are mad crazy. And drunk. Whether is the Sawx, the Celtics or Tawmmy and Tracy's kid playin' down by the docks in that hockey league (CHECK THE BASTAHD OR WALK HOME TIMMY! /POW! GET UP, TRACY!), these guys will get behind anything their respective skippers tell them to.

And if any skipper has consented to using seemingly nefarious tactics in order to hedge his bets, it's Bill Belichick and his Cape of Doom. Not that using Michael Vick on a team is or should be illegal, constitutes cheating or anything like that, but if there's somebody who wants to win and couldn't give a bucket full of poo and barf about what you, me, PeTA or anybody thinks about it, it's that evil, sinister, twisted man.

Despite the high level of affluent white people in New England, they'll just drink until he becomes favorable in their eyes. That's what they do with their wives, anyway.

Pittsburgh — I can't think of a more devoted fan base out of sheer boredom. What in God's name is there to do in Pittsburgh other than marvel at Wanstadt's mustache, laugh at that baseball team, and cheer for the Steelers. Mike would do well by default; not only am I convinced that their primary income is borne on the backs of animals, like in the 19th century, but I'm not entirely convinced they've ever heard of Michael Vick.

As long as he got along with Roethlisberger, it'd all be gravy. And they'd run PeTA down a mine shaft and push the "implode" button.


Buffalo — Good for them that they're at least trying to break stereotypes. They've added some flavor over the years, with Marshawn, Lee Evans, and most recently T.O. But frankly, three teams is too much for one state, and everyone knows that part of New York barely qualifies as any semblance of an advanced civilization. It has all the familiar symptoms of Canada (shudder). No one would care if Vick slid in to the Buff. So long as he didn't ruffle any feathers at the VFW on Thursday nights, the much ballyhooed Bingo Night, he'd be safe.

Buccaneers/Dolphins — Nobody likes South Florida because nobody knows where South Florida has been. This dirty, seething, infested wang of America is way too busy trafficking drugs and venereal diseases to care about football that's not involving Dan Marino. He could come and sweat in the Landshark Stadium (Jimmy!) or that one with the boat, but quite frankly, all of those people would think it's too hot to go out to watch football. Plus, they're all Jets fans, anyway.

Houston — Remember how I was talking about Dallas usurping all worthy fansanity, leaving nothing but the lepers to cheer for the other team? Welcome to the colony. The biggest headline the Texans ever got was not selecting Reggie Bush. Sure, that turned out to be a very wise decision, but bad news travels better than good, and no one remembers that one defensive or offensive lineman (I can't remember which) being better than Reggie "Hollywood" Bush. They'll just remember how good Reggie Bush used to be, and how dumb they thought you were. Getting Michael Vick would have the weird, backward, inbred reaction that you'd expect from a Houston family reunion. It would result in utter confusion, followed by someone having sex with someone they weren't supposed to.

Basically, Houston's got a lot more problems than bringing on No. 7.


Baltimore/Cinncinnati — I could just see him going to either of these places because they know how to deal with folks who have been in the pokey. Make your own soap/rope jokes.


  1. "The biggest headline the Texans ever got was not selecting [VINCE YOUNG]. Sure, that turned out to be a very wise decision, [BECAUSE MARIO WILLIAMS IS GOOD]."

    fixed. now it's good.

  2. Best linkage ever? Best linkage ever.

  3. Yeah. I don't know what happened in my cubicle, but it got sexy. It got sexy and stayed that way.

  4. First, I wouldn't put the Bills fans in the weak category, they know how to roll.

    More to the point, I don't think it matters which team Vick goes to in terms of fans/exposure. The reason is the NFL is in the strong fansanity category and you can bet your ass that regardless of where Vick goes we are going to hear about his status every day on NFL live. Furthermore what if week 10 doesn't have any good developing stories...yep Vick. Now I get the difference between the NY press and STL, but the NFL is to big for something like this to go unnoticed even if he was in bumbfuck Maine.

    Personally I think the best place for him to go is New England. Why? Bill Bell. The lockerroom chemistry goes without saying but imagine Bill taking questions at a presser. Good luck deciphering his mumbling, or getting him to answer in the first place.

    In terms of other fans, people have already made up their mind if they want him to play or die a terrible death. That won't change. I think the only thing the NFL/Team/Vick needs to worry about is the whack jobs like PETA. Sure they are insane. (See how seriously the average NFL fan will take you when you send a college drop out dressed like a dog comparing dog killing to the Holocaust)

    But who knows, Peta COULD develop a brain cell and conduct a productive protest like boycotting sponsors by using their giant sheep herd of celebrities to come on TV talking about how evil Gillete is by sponsoring a stadium that Vick plays in just so they can feel better about their pitiful fucking existence.

    Now, Vick isn't too bright, but if I were him I'd hire a crisis manager and work closely with the team's PR firm and go directly to PETA and offer to work with them. Do whatever the hell they want you to, like I said they may evolve from their joke of a organization into a respectable entity.

    Now the big thing this will all do is dissuade heir Goodell from swinging around his giant iron dick.