Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Football, you are close. So. Very. Close.

By the way, doing an image search for "USC Cheerleaders" is a pretty awesome way to waste a LOT of time. What day is it? Friday? Awesome. It's fun bag time.

First of all, prepare to have your minds blown, mortals.

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

Keeping with the music video theme, here's the most rock and roll kid in the universe.


I dance in the streets all the time and manage not to get hit by an ice cream truck. Furthermore, those things make all sorts of silly ass songs. How can you NOT notice them coming?


This policeman better beware. Technoviking might just show up to fuck his law and order up.


Wow, Georgia. Wow.


And finally, Rave Dog.

As an aside, I found someone posting Rave Dog on their site, under the pretext that he is excited that Cesc Fabregas will be staying with Arsenal for the time being (suck shit, Barca!). Not only am I in favor of that, but their site is also hilariously named "Who Ate All The Pies?"

That's it. Let's get out of here. Anyone else want to go sailing?

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

Lot's of Shit Storm ideas, I just have to remember them.

Ok so during Easter you eat a lot and typically there is some type of decoration. Only reason I mention this is to try to justify this storm.


(h/t Warming Glow)

I feel like there are always discussions on the most attractive Food Channel/travel channel personality. The crazy thing about this is that people are extremely loyal to their favorites. For instance here is a conversation I recently heard.

girl 1: I can't stand Anthony Bourdain, such a pretentious asshole.

girl 2: You shut your mouth Bourdain is the sexiest man in the world.

So for this shit storm we need to have the definitive debate on the most attractive personality on TV. Now, I use the term attractive because it could mean many things. For example Sandra Lee is very milfy, but she also makes these delicious looking cocktails with umbrellas in them. You see, her decor adds to the attractiveness.

The rules:
1. I would like to keep this to food/travel network type personalities. I understand there may be some channel crossover, but try to keep it within the parameters.
2. Reality show judges only, no contestants. (Yes Padma is in play)
3. BBC is in play.
4. Retired/no longer on TV is in play.
5. Male and Female divisions, and obviously we can multiple votes for each personality.

(I also should not have to say this, but there is zero homerism component to this shit storm)

Ok onto my selection.

Giada De Laurentiis.


Some people get annoyed with her over prouncing all the eeeeeeeeeetalllllain foods but I think it only adds to the show. Between her chicken tetrazinni and her smashing of garlic I'm utterly captivated. She also studied in Rome so you know she's legit.

Ok let's do it. Begin the foodgasm.

Baby, we need to talk...

Lindsey, hey, how are you? Doing ok? Do you need anything? You sure? Ok. You're looking great. It's really great to see you.

Anyway baby, go ahead and take a seat.

Listen, you're a dream. I really do love you. But I just... I just think that what we've had between us has run its course. What? No! Don't be silly. Of course it had nothing to do with that. Baby, if it was... Lindsey, calm down. How could it be about you crashing yesterday, after I've seen you crash dozens of times before?

It's not that, it's just that there's been too much drama. This whole thing, it's taken our lives and turned them upside down. I can't handle the photo shoots, the autograph sessions, the interviews and speculation about your shin, the international travel... actually, scratch that, I like the international travel. But you've become more than just a skier. Do you think I like having some guy ask you to sign your autograph across your cleavage in the swimsuit issue? Do you think I'm comfortable with that? But that wasn't the worst. The worst was when you admitted to me that you don't even go skiing for fun. You've changed, Lindsey. Now it's a business to you, and that breaks my heart.

Like I said, I'll always love you. I will. I just think it's best that we part ways. And...
[sigh]
Yes, there's someone else. How did we-? I met her while you were beefing with Austrians in interviews! While you were getting therapy on your shin! While you were taking pictures in your skivvies! Her name's Julia.

Mancuso, right. How did you guess that? What? You guys know each other?

Oh, right. Well, then you should know. She's more fun. She doesn't take it, or herself, as seriously as you. She still likes skiing for fun, she even went out in the powder that Whistler had a couple of days ago. You work out in the summer, while she goes surfing. She's the one that's going to make me happy, not you.

You'll be fine. I'm sure you'll find someone great. I just hope you find happiness. You're too stern, baby, and that's not what I need in my life. I want to have fun, and you're not giving me that. Now if you'll excuse me, a hot tub is calling my name.

WOOO! Grab Julia's hoots, Chemmy!

Awesome.

Why in the holy hell do I like curling so much?

That's USA skip, John Shuster.

I've been watching curling as much as I can and I am absolutely glued to the TV. First off it's one of those sports that requires little commitment. What I mean is that you can be doing something else, like blogging, while you watch it and with the pace of the game you won't miss anything. Second it has huge strategy. "OMG is he going for that inside draw or is he going to kiss off the red in the house?AHHHHH There are two high yellow guards!!!! Furthermore, everyone on the team plays every role, no weak links in curling.

The second thing is that curling is surprisingly compelling. As Im watching right now USA was down 4-0 and the end of 3 THEN scored 6 CONSECUTIVE to make the score 6-4 AND SHIT AS I SPEAK THE DIRTY SWISS HAVE JUST MADE A PERFECT CURL TO TAKE A POINT AND MAKE IT 6-5 AT THE END OF 10!!!! OHHHHHH man here comes the measuring stick!!!

I think another thing has to do with the coverage of curling. You get great commentary and in the abomination known as NBC sports you get to watch, you know, THE ENTIRE EVENT!!!

Last thing, have you seen the women's curling teams? They just contribute to the depth of the hotness in the Winter Olympics.

***Update***
Shuster has a chance for a wide open draw to win.

-He curls.

-Needs to pick up.

-AHHHHH THEY LOST IT!!!

-GET THERE BABY

-Shit it's close measuring stick/sonar comes out. (I think the Swiss have it)

-Damn Swiss got it by a big margin. EXTRA CURLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Olympics.

Well it doesn't.

And Julia Mancuso is still way hotter. Believe you me. She's just not as big of a name, even though she's medaled in the Olympics and Vonn hasn't (Yes, Vonn is better. Yes, she's more successful in the World Cup circuit).

Regardless. This has absolutely nothing to do with the Olympics.

Boise State girls are ugly

Well, they are. Take Meg, here, for instance.

She's the hottest one. And she is freaking me the hell out.

She could rent out her forehead as billboard space, to make some extra cash.

Anyway, all of this comes from me watching the Tostito's Fuck You Bowl last night. I just couldn't help but think about how horrible it would be to go to school at Boise State. One, you're not in a cool college town, you're in Assmouth Boise, Idaho, as opposed to Texas' best-kept secret, Fort Worth. do you like darkness and three months of hospitable weather a year? Then Boise is for you. Are you a normal human being that likes sunshine and the ability to walk outside? Fort Worth is your spot.

Maybe it's ok to go to school there, since every single girl is bundled up to the point that they just look like androgynous humanoid blobs walking around. It's like hanging out with a bunch of chicks in burkas... if... you know... burkas are made up of ugg boots [vomits] and six north face jackets.

But yeah. Them bitches be ugly. Aaaaaaaaand to put the exclamation point on this meandering hatefest, I present to you "Boise State Cowbell Girl," which has already been hailed as THE DECADE'S FIRST INTERNET MEME! WOOOOOO! GET EXCITED!


But really, comparing any school's female population to that of TCU's is unfair. Percentage-wise, I'd put them up against anybody. Like I said. Best kept secret.

CFB Preview

#4 Oklahoma.
(Yes I realized we skipped 5)

Offense: 5 returners. Obviously JR QB Sam Bradford is the reason they are ranked this high preseason, but they also return leading rushers Brown and Murray, along with TD reception machine Jermaine Graham.

Defense: 9 returners. Good gosh they are stacked. The entire front 7 returns headlined by DE Auston English, DT Gerald McCoy, and Will backer Travis Lewis. Dominique Franks also returns at CB

Special Teams: Picking up jersey chaser scraps.

Initial Thoughts: How about you win a bowl game? addressed last year.

First off, Sam Bradford is the best "pro" prospect in CFB. (Unless you ever want to hear my crazy Tim Tebow plan) For the most part he'll be the focal point of the offense. WR Iglesias leaving will hurt, but the return of Gresham and Brown/Murray (over 2,000 yards rushing) wont hurt the offense too much. The only thing you can really question is the O-line, who only returns one starter from last year. The defense will be....good....very good.

The schedule is again set up for a NC run. Non-Conference they play BYU and Miami, which again isn't threatening, but solid enough to fight off the cupcake claims. The conference schedule is tough, but not insurmountable, The get Kansas and Nebraska (both away) from the North, and the Bedlam game will be at home. Which brings us to the Texas game. You might as well call it the Big 12 championship. It's obvious that the North has fallen faaaaaar behind the South, so we'll know by October who has a straight shot to the conference championship. (possibly MNC?) That's not really groundbreaking.

Looking at the UT game it's clear that the gap has been closed with the Longhorn's latest victory sans VY. I think this has something to do with the fact that Mack attack has done a much better job recruiting Texas compared to Oklahoma.

Now the other issue to look at is Oklahoma's bowl history. Since 2004 the Sooners haven't won one. You can chalk two of those up as being thrown to the lions in MNC games against USC and Florida. But damn. (which they never should have went to in the first place) If you're Oklahoma you should have at least ONE win. Again, I talked about it last year, but I wonder if Oklahoma has some crazy ass bowl jinx. In the end, I still think the Big 12 south is the best division top to bottom in CFB and if someone comes out of it with at least 1 loss they have a good shot at going to Pasadena.

I'll give the edge to Texas for a variety of reasons. However, there is always this:

Monday Morning S--t Storm

That video has little to do with the storm, but I'm not going to be the one that stops the sexiness that's been happening around here.

Alright this has been done thousands of times before, but I think it's our time.

Fantasy names.

Any league, any sport.

I'd like to see some of the best historical ones, maybe some newer idea, prototypes?

Either way it's an excuse for us to get funny and offensive.

My best all time is "Hanginwithbenoit." At the time it relevant, funny, and offensive. I was also a year too soon with "TheErinAndrewsExperience."

Alright get after it.

Where Would Vick End Up Based On Fansanity?

Oh my blog! Zack's not writing purely satirical musings that are so random it can't be described as hit-or-miss, but more like run over by a car-or-slip into a diabetic coma? No way! This must be something groundbreakingly interesting!

Wrong on all counts. I'm just that bored.

I'm thinking about this whole Michael Vick thing. It's one of those universal concepts that even arouses the minds of the most lackluster fans of football and sports in general. Should a player who's done something as egregious as Vick be allowed to play again? The consensus seems to be 'yes,' as far as the Trier of Men's Souls Roger Goodell would say.

But now ya gotta find a place to stick him, Sally.

Now there are obvious hurdles. Nobody couldn't use many consider to be the most electrifying player in the game. By the time you get to the professional level, you rarely see a guy you have to watch every single play because he could very likely score. That's Pop Warner stuff, like the kid who hits puberty two years before everyone else. And, Vick will likely be a monetary steal. It's a win-win in that regard.

I don't think that any team right now lacks the offensive talent to pick up Michael Vick. This is the NFL we're talking about. While many would look to the Raiders, Lions and maybe Titans as the most likely candidate due to such a dearth, I'm unconvinced it is so.

One has to consider the fans and your teams' respective fan base. Anybody who thinks that PeTA doesn't have an armed, mobile unit ready to deploy and reside in any city whose NFL team decides to take the chance on Vick is as dumb as a warm jar of mayonnaise. I can feel their anger now. Heck, there are plenty regular people who don't cover themselves in blood and urine for a living who might think that this Vick guy ought not be making millions to play football.

The team that selects Michael Vick is going to have to have a fan base on the two far ends of the Fansanity Spectrum: the most blindly devoted band of morally unconscious, drunken die hards one could ever encounter OR a population that is barely aware that a professional football team even exists in their state or region, and when they notice that their city is playing, ask questions like "Who won the match?"

Basically, my theory is that in order for Vick to be a profitable catch, the team in question is either going to have be able to weather the storm without a lot of dissent from the devoted or have a net effect of zero difference, because the fans don't show up anyway.

The comment section is open to any other theories, proffering, amendments or complaints, but these are my selections.

STRONG FANSANITY:

Dallas — There aren't a lot of state's big enough to hold two football teams. There aren't a lot of teams that can take all of the fans from that state away from the other team. There aren't a lot of teams that have been deemed "America's Team" to little or no complaint. Dallas encompasses all of these things.

This isn't necessarily homerism, although, by KSK law, Man can only have one team and must hate all others, and with the close ties between Dallas and Arkansas (proximity and alumni), the Boys are a natural fit. I don't know of other team who could look at a guy like Vick, take a swig of Shinerbock, and then tell you all the reasons that not only is this the right move for the Boys, but why Mike Vick is a stand-up guy, why you're not and why you're about to be punched in the face.

Boom. Faced.

New England — Anti-Homerism is a temptation, but I shall decline. New England fans are mad crazy. And drunk. Whether is the Sawx, the Celtics or Tawmmy and Tracy's kid playin' down by the docks in that hockey league (CHECK THE BASTAHD OR WALK HOME TIMMY! /POW! GET UP, TRACY!), these guys will get behind anything their respective skippers tell them to.

And if any skipper has consented to using seemingly nefarious tactics in order to hedge his bets, it's Bill Belichick and his Cape of Doom. Not that using Michael Vick on a team is or should be illegal, constitutes cheating or anything like that, but if there's somebody who wants to win and couldn't give a bucket full of poo and barf about what you, me, PeTA or anybody thinks about it, it's that evil, sinister, twisted man.

Despite the high level of affluent white people in New England, they'll just drink until he becomes favorable in their eyes. That's what they do with their wives, anyway.

Pittsburgh — I can't think of a more devoted fan base out of sheer boredom. What in God's name is there to do in Pittsburgh other than marvel at Wanstadt's mustache, laugh at that baseball team, and cheer for the Steelers. Mike would do well by default; not only am I convinced that their primary income is borne on the backs of animals, like in the 19th century, but I'm not entirely convinced they've ever heard of Michael Vick.

As long as he got along with Roethlisberger, it'd all be gravy. And they'd run PeTA down a mine shaft and push the "implode" button.

WEAK SAUCE FANSANITY:

Buffalo — Good for them that they're at least trying to break stereotypes. They've added some flavor over the years, with Marshawn, Lee Evans, and most recently T.O. But frankly, three teams is too much for one state, and everyone knows that part of New York barely qualifies as any semblance of an advanced civilization. It has all the familiar symptoms of Canada (shudder). No one would care if Vick slid in to the Buff. So long as he didn't ruffle any feathers at the VFW on Thursday nights, the much ballyhooed Bingo Night, he'd be safe.

Buccaneers/Dolphins — Nobody likes South Florida because nobody knows where South Florida has been. This dirty, seething, infested wang of America is way too busy trafficking drugs and venereal diseases to care about football that's not involving Dan Marino. He could come and sweat in the Landshark Stadium (Jimmy!) or that one with the boat, but quite frankly, all of those people would think it's too hot to go out to watch football. Plus, they're all Jets fans, anyway.

Houston — Remember how I was talking about Dallas usurping all worthy fansanity, leaving nothing but the lepers to cheer for the other team? Welcome to the colony. The biggest headline the Texans ever got was not selecting Reggie Bush. Sure, that turned out to be a very wise decision, but bad news travels better than good, and no one remembers that one defensive or offensive lineman (I can't remember which) being better than Reggie "Hollywood" Bush. They'll just remember how good Reggie Bush used to be, and how dumb they thought you were. Getting Michael Vick would have the weird, backward, inbred reaction that you'd expect from a Houston family reunion. It would result in utter confusion, followed by someone having sex with someone they weren't supposed to.

Basically, Houston's got a lot more problems than bringing on No. 7.

FANSANITY DEPLETED:

Baltimore/Cinncinnati — I could just see him going to either of these places because they know how to deal with folks who have been in the pokey. Make your own soap/rope jokes.