GRH Hobbcast

I know, I know. We've been away for a while but today we came back with a vengeance. On Today's episode we discuss the best*/worst sports movies. We didn't have time to get to all the things we wanted to talk about, but it's a good primer for your netflix queue.

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Have fun and hobb on.

*"Angels in the Outfield" blows

Don't Mess With the Street

You can make fun of me all you want. But I have several rules. Don't mess with my family, don't mess with my dog, and don't mess with SESAME STREET.



I know we don't like politics on this blog, but I feel that if you come at Big Bird, I have to step up.

So here's the first problem. Shapiro obviously got his ass kicked in school. "I want to put a cap in them?" That was easily the least gangster shit I've ever seen in my entire life, and trust me, I know non-gangster shit. I look in the mirror every morning.

You wan't to see something gangster? Here's Bert and Ernie calling fish into a boat.

Next he says Sesame Street was made for "impoverished blacks and hispanics." Which is partially true. Sesame Street was made for ALL low socio-economic children. So that they would have a supplementary resource TO LEARN HOW TO READ, WRITE, AND PERFORM BASIC MATH SKILLS. So yes, In a country that these assholes think they live in. A country where everyone can make it if you work hard. Sesame Street is a bad thing, because It's an educational resource for kids to learn (Kids, who may not have all the shithead resources your parents bought for you.)

Let me make my point a little more to clearer. He said Sesame Street was bad because it helps low socio-economic kids learn. Learning is bad.

So yes. All of those studies that show how Sesame Street is correlated to increased academic achievement are bullshit. Especially during formative years which are critical to a child's development. But yes, bash Sesame Street because it helps kids learn, it's a shocking thing to do, and you're an asshole.

But here's the funny thing. I watched a ton of Sesame Street growing up, as well as Square One!!! and Reading Rainbow. However, people who know me would tell me I'm fairly conservative. I bitch all the time about taxes, and bureaucracy. But shit I still kiss my copy of The Wealth of Nations before I go to bed every night. I guess I wasn't corrupted by all those words and numbers Big Bird threw into my face. You know who else used words and numbers? STALIN!!!

Speaking of Adam Smith, do you ever get the feeling that these people like the IDEA of Adam Smith and not the actual philosophy? I mean I like the idea of being a vegetarian, but shit, I love those steaks.

I mean, shit they were bitching about a male prom queen in VA. (and to Ms. USA 2008: hmmmmmm looks like SOMEONE lost a prom election) But really, isn't a prom court essentially a representation of the open market of high school popularity? Isn't this the competition you speak of? Let me give you other examples of the capitalism (market) we all know and love. The Presidential Election, The Grange Fair Apple Pie competition, The Baseball Hall of Fame, the NFL Hall of Fame, being in a relationship, finding a spouse, Being a successful Radio host, Being a successful TV host. A gay kid won prom queen and wasn't killed and strapped to a fence. There are worse things that can happen.

If you'll allow me to put on my tin foil hat, here's where I think these people aren't actually Americans, but rather, CHINESE SPIES!!! EVERY blue blooded American knows that nobody actually gives a shit about the prom king/queen. We didn't even have a court in high school and I bet most people couldn't remember their king/queen. Point is, everyone knows that prom isn't about that. It's about getting wasted at the after party. Shit, that's like America 101.

But here's the real problem. They make fun of liberal douchetards for trying to force their agenda on them, yet they want people to watch THEIR shows, read THEIR books, Live in the world like THEM. So congrats guy who got his ass kicked in high school, Ms. USA 2008, and Shawn Uberamerican. You've succeeded in making me disagree with you just as much as I disagree with self righteous liberals. I didn't use the word hate because Elmo taught me not to use that word.

Way to go assholes, you just went and pissed off the wrong crew.


But I hear you loud and clear. Teaching kids is wrong. I'm done here, take the mic Ernie

I Know I'm Late To This Party, But Some Shindigs Are Too Good To Miss

I know, I know, we're supposed to be covering sports NEWS and not OLDS. And this is maybe a week or more old. But damn. I've got say some things about this. Otherwise, I'm going to start pooping out of my weiner with an overwrought sense of denial.

So here goes...

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAHWAHWAHWHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh no! I had to WAIT PATIENTLY before an NFL team had the audacity to pick me! WHAT TREMENDOUS TRAGEDY. But they told him second or third round! LOS BASTARDOS! He had to walk by himself with a baseball bat, and then be walked like a golden retriever around the block by his parents. What heartache. What turmoil. What anstiness.

Not that I don't understand. I've waited on fairly important things before in my life, none of which are as big time as playing in the NFL, and I've been less than patient. It's no man's bag.

But a little perspective would be nice. "Wow, I've had a fairly successful career since getting drafted a little later than I and most every other person drafted would have liked to have been." You know what that is? UNDERFUGGINSTATMENT. Brady's gone on to have one of the best careers of anybody ever. Who cares is a bunch of other teams you've railed COUNTLESS TIMES in your career passed on you? PISS ON THEM WITH YOUR SMOKING HOT WIFE AND SUPER BOWL ACCOLADES IN OPPOSITE HANDS. When I first saw he cried, I thought it would be about the happiness that came from getting picked. NAY. It was "Oh, no, I had to wait a day to get picked. A whole day! I know, I was so P.O.ed too..." Please.

Also, nice jab at the noble and venerable profession of insurance sales. I'm glad that you can afford to purchase your various belongings, STRAIGHT CASH, and have them wrecked or stolen with little to no effect on your vast wealth. Other people need insurance, and need good, solid, hardworking, and trustworthy Americans to sell it to them. Plus, for all of the tears you just shed at the possibility of NOT getting drafted, you'd think you might have the presence of mind to be like "You know, that was ALMOST me, maybe not kick insurance salesmen with my cleat."

Screw this guy, his sassy hair, and his veneers. THEMS FAKE YO.

If you want to make it up to me, let me see your wife without you.

"DelDOT HATES KIDS DelDOT HATES KIDS"

It's official, the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, Global Warming, Climate Change and now ripping up basketball hoops.

Seriously, this isn't China. There are rules in America. But you know why Blythe put the hit out on the basketball hoop?

1. He hates kids
2. He hates kids
3. He's no dummy, he knows a prime set up when he sees it. A solid hoop at the END of a culdesac? Shit, that is a kid's dream. Oh, I know he's in the PA Hall of Fame for opening sports complexes. I don't care. So maybe - just MAYBE - if the kids can't play in the streets, they have to go to one of your "complexes" where they have to pay a "membership fee" for a low "monthly charge." I see you Blythe, real smooth, game respects game.

When I showed this to Icehouse he pointed out that youth sports prevent Gang activity, drug abuse, and teen pregnancy. FACT!!!

And what's with the sweatshirt lady in the video? What, did you not bust enough balls in 9th grade student council? Stovall said it best when talking about her upcoming performance review.

"Have you ever lied to an individual during your job?"
"No."
/puts in video

But really, the main complaint is that kids don't pay attention to traffic? Really? Have you ever met a kid? Nobody cares about traffic, you're invincible at that age. Anyway, these two are my heroes for the day and I can't wait until Oprah picks up on their story and they get a stadium in their front yard.

WORST. TEAM. EVER.

This was one of the best teams last year.


This is the worst team in the history of professional basketball.


So this may be the ultimate rubbing-salty-feces-into-open-wound move, but the more the current Cleveland Cavaliers suck, the better LeBron James looks.

The team is largely the same, minus LeBron, two worthless old behemoths, and a motherfucker.

I really don't care about any other argument. Playing on that team must have sucked total balls. If there were any hope for the Cavs to win, LeBron could have convinced Danny Ferry and Dan Gilbert to get Bosh and/or Wade and/or Amare to come to Cleveland. Wade's team was really bad last year. Bosh's was worse. LeBron's was officially the worst.

You see, Danny Ferry is a racist Duke grad, and Dan Gilbert writes memos in crayon. The only thing LeBron did wrong was not re-light the Cuyahoga river on fire again.

Finally, AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE THE WORST TEAM EVER HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

The Replacements is a Horrible Movie.

The offseason is quickly upon us and the impending CBA negotioation may mean no Sunday football for a while. Regardless, we all have more time for Sunday TV movies, and we'll attempt to give you our take on the greatest (or worst) sports movies.

I've been meaning to write this a while, but The Replacements is just a horrible horrible movie. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and it wouldn't bother me as much if everyone didn't act like this is the funniest thing known to sports comedy. But what really chaps my ass is that this cinematic shit is blatant plagerism, taken from One of the greatest sports comedies of all time. Necessary Roughness. (along with many others)

Let's examine the story lines.

Necessary Roughness (1991) With the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos facing NCAA sanctions, Newly hired Coach, Ed Gennero, must put together a rag tag group of players in order to compete in NCAA football. Using his old school tactics, along with some creativity, Gennero shows the players and the school the true meaning of the game and how to play with pride.

The Replacements (2000) Following the Professional league lockout, newly hired coach, Jimmy McGinty must form a rag tag group of replacement players in order to compete in professional football. Using his old school tactics, along with some creativity, McGinty teaches his players, and fans, the true meaning of the game and playing with pride.

(Looks like they stole the Rudy music too)

As you can tell in both movies the main character is the QB, as with most football movies. In Necessary roughness assistant coach Wally Rig (Robert Loggia) uses his old recruiting contacts to find Paul Blake (Scott Bakula) a 30 year old who turned down a scholarship offer to Penn State, in order to take care of his family ranch.

In the Replacements, McGinty (Gene Hackman) uses his contacts to find 30 something QB, Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) who is working as a barnacle scrubber in some marina. Evidently Falco couldn't hack it in the pros because he got beaten up by Florida State in the Sugar bowl. Which is the worst excuse ever.

Each team in a football comedy needs a strong coaching staff to lead the group of misfits to victory. In Necessary roughness Coach Gennero and Rig combine a perfect compliment to each other. Gennero with the discipline and organization, and Rig with the folksy one liners and football knowledge/experience.

In the replacements It's all about McGinty, who seems to be a hodge podge of Bear Bryant, Tom Landry, and Hank Stram. (A fedora hat is sooooooo unique and creative) The assistant coaches are basically non-existent and are only there to reveal the "genius" of coach McGinty. That's not really a comparison, it's just to show that Necessary Roughness is much much better.

Back to the comparisons.

Offensive Line: TSU's offensive line is baller. First they have Sinbad, who is hilarious in that movie, they have the twins in the form of Olaf and Ignor Knudson. THEN they have Manumana the slender (who forms a relationship with the kicker and completely destroys the Kansas player). Finally, and this is a key to a good football movie. They have Wyatt Beaudry, a Tackle who plays games with a giant chaw in his mouth, and drinks beers like its going out of style. Who is this character played by? You guessed it. Andrew Bryniarski, the greatest football actor of our generation. Following this break out role he would go on to play Madman Kelly, in any given Sunday, and yes, Steve Lattimer in The Program.

The Sentinals only had three OL that they focused on. Who were they? Twin brothers and a fat Asian who ends up befriending the kicker. If the Sumo/Manumana connection doesn't do it for you, just look at the fat Asian kid on Little Giants. In fact that Sumo wrestler is really just a hodgepodge of characters. Remember when he yaks all over the field. That's like Zoltec farting in The Little Giants.

Skills:
TSU's WR featherstone (Duane Davis who also played Alvin Mack) was an interesting character. He was a fast guy who beat anyone, but he couldn't catch the ball.

The Sentinals, Had that dumbass 7 up guy who, you guessed it, could run past anyone but not catch anything. Honestly, they just stopped trying to be creative at this point.

(Note: I give a break to the kid from little giants because the stick em scene was hilarious and he used toilet paper to overcome his lack of ability)

Now, at this point people usually explain to me that no other movie had a deaf TE. Which is true, I will give The Replacements credit for that. But here's my thing. Why the hell is he a replacement player? Because he's deaf? That guy is awesome, he was like their entire offense and you're telling me NOBODY wanted him? Hey, we use signals in football, he can get the snap in his periphery. It's not realistic.

Defense: The main defender for TSU is Samurai Hanson. A slightly unstable MLB who brought us the best scene in a football movie ever, after he proceded to go Bruce Lee on the dillo's arch rival The Texas Colts.

The Sentinals had Jon Favreau. A crazy ex cop, how unique.

Let's go ahead and rank crazy MLB's in football movies. Herp derp derp, he tackled the cheerleaders, herp derp, he got the football. Makes me sick. plus that whole "I got the ball scene" is essentially taken from Lattimer's "looks like you lost your bonnet" which is much more intense.

(7:40)

Let's go ahead and rank Crazy LB's in sports movies
1. Alvin Mack
2. Shark
3. Spike
4. Samurai
100. Jon Favreau.

Other similarities include getting in a barfight, where both QB's try to calm the situation down. Except TSU didnt go into a stupid dance routine. Getting a soccer player for a kicker (Kathy Ireland > English guy) Using players from other sports. (Coach Genneto used an Aussie rules player) The list goes on.

Now, copying the greatest football comedy isn't what makes The Replacements, a horrible movie. What makes the replacements a horrible movie is the cheesy jokes, the stupid characters, Gene Hackman, and the fact that it tries to be a serious film and a comedy at the same time.

I hate it so much

Boston Sports Fans Say, "Don't Forget About Us! We're The Biggest Douches of All!"

So Ines Sainz came out and said that she thinks the Jets have the best chance to win the Super Bowl. Cue the obligatory Ines Sainz imagery:



Pretty innocuous though, right? "I truly believe they have the best chance to win the Super Bowl." That's what she said.

Of course, the Jets play the Pats next, so the fuckbags over at Barstool decided they'd barf this onto their site:

I have question. Does this bitch think we’re stupid? I mean one second she’s whining that the Jets are sexually harassing her and the next second she’s trying to get anal from Mark Sanchez. Give me a break. Obviously she’s trying to make Brady jealous so he’ll toss her a bone and hate fuck the shit out of her. Sorry honey he’s just not that into you. So do me a favor and stop acting like a two year old with these kindergadrden mind games. You’re not fooling anybody. Maybe if you’re patient one day he’ll impregnate your ass, but until then take that fine ass of yours and hit the road. The Jets are going to beat the Pats! Haha! Slut!

Yep. They actually said that. A couple of things I'd like to point out. First: misspelling "kindergarten" is just deliciously funny. Ms. Sainz speaks two different languages, while you have yet to master one. Another thing. She wasn't the one that accused anybody of anything. Other reporters in the room were. She squashed it, saving all of us the trouble of dealing with people like you and Keith Olbermann. Furthermore, as far as sexual harassment is being discussed, I'd like everyone to reread the entire quote again. ElPresidente, I pity you. Your mother failed at raising you and you will never have a meaningful relationship.

Oh, and the whole "Tom Brady's sex life" card. Wow. Just, wow. Your best insult is "the star of my favorite sports team has a great sex life that you won't be included in." If the wonderful and elegant Ms. Sainz WAS interested in a romantic evening on the town, she would choose New York over Boston, because she has taste and class.

So thanks, Boston fans. I had almost forgotten about you. Now please, do us all a favor and drink yourselves to death.

Beauty Queen Interviews Baltimore Ravens

One is famous because he's the much ballyhooed, seldom successful quarterback. He's also rich, white and hasn't found a better job in DC yet (they're hiring!), making him a rarity in Baltimore. The other is famous because of a movie where Sandra Bullock befriends a minority with a heart of gold (also a rarity in Hollywood!).

Enter the beauty queen. Hollow? Yes. Superficial? Yes. Hard-hitting and in-depth interviewer? Um. No.

Joe Flacco:


Michael Oher:


Now, some people would have preferred a Miss South Carolina moment of rambling incoherence, but I'm happy with the videos as they are.

What are their favorite spots in Baltimore? The gym, because that's where they get paid and fuck every other part about that city. Both players are wearing aprons. The video appears to be shot and edited by a six-year-old. Just keep nodding, Miss Maryland. They're bound to respect your journalism that way.

Flacco is baffling in how boring he is. He is as exciting as a blank legal pad sitting on a gray carpet in an empty room. His video is nothing short of awful.

Oher at least has a personality and tries to show it, but Miss Maryland seems to be confused and frightened that she is talking to Michael Oher and not Quinton Aaron, so she inexplicably lets some dude interview him. That's closet racism in the flesh people!

One way or another, these videos are the worst things I've seen involving professional athletes, but it's for a good cause, so what the fuck.

Icehouse's Football Season is Over.

Wow, this weekend was awful.


Whatever, it's not like you were using it anyway.


Yes, something smells like shit, Mack. It's Greg Davis' play calling.

At least all be able to look forward to some huge hits right? Oh. Of course. Fuck everything.

Recycled Post: Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Icehouse wrote this post last year. Some of it is specific to the 2009 Red River Shootout, but most of it is still relevant. Enjoy.

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

I hope Joe Paterno rules the world one day

Well we know College football is right around the corner because we are starting to get Joe Paterno is a walking zombie columns.

Except this year it's a little different. This year instead of focusing on the QB issue, or if the crop of young linebackers can live up to the title of Linebacker U, we have fuckheads predicting when Joe Paterno will die.

It started off with the typical "Paterno looked old at Big Ten (11) media days" article, and now it's taken off into coffin bearing madness.

Everyone is referencing this article by Mike Gross' Lancaster Online article.

Now before I we begin, dear reader, let's put down the Leupold's and put things into a little perspective.

Lancaster Online covers Lancaster County PA.

Lancaster County is where Amish people live.

Sure, there are normal folk there, the Mennonite's (Amish Lite) produce fine pie safes, and the area is generally lovely minus the typical New Yorker who buys a farm and thinks they are "real,"

But the fact of the matter is that when you are a writer for the Lancaster newspaper the big news is Rumspringa and Albright football. So perhaps it would behoove a lowly Dutchman to

throw the cow over the fence some hay and stir up a little sauerkraut.

For those of you not verse in Pennsylvania Dutch that means "pissing in cheerios to get some page views."

So Gross writes the article. Fine. Lancaster will do terrible things to fine men. But this is a perfect example of why the internet sucks.

See because when one asshat writes a shitty article, bigger asses, with larger hats take that article and suddenly become experts on the subject.

Oh and they lose all sense of perspective and tact.

Go ahead and read this post.

In fact all you have to do is read the last line.

Epic ending Bro.

Oh but wait, there's more. The Duke Basketball of bloggers decides to chime in and...wait I'm getting something in my ear...yes Joe Paterno is in fact dying.

Ok I'm done, back to the main point.

Paterno has been doing this for years, and in the age of new gimmicks and coaching flip flops Joe Paterno has been the bedrock of college football.

It's funny when people ask me what Paterno does on the Penn State staff because I simply respond with "The same thing Mack Brown does for Texas."

I mean, we've come to the point where we are analyzing his mouth movement? Shit if I did a press conference people would think that I needed a colostomy bag.

In all honesty I have so many things to address. Age discrimination, douchebaggery, the single wing, program management, asshats, winningest D1 coach, doodling plays, etc.

But I'm tired of it.

I agree. Leave him alone, but not because he is on his death bed. No, it's because he's a great coach and he has a top 15 team that could challenge for a Big Ten (11) title.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Tough one today gang.

Today we are going to eliminate one sport from existence.

I know it's tough because we all like sports, but I feel like destroying something beautiful today.

Ok so my gut choice would be "Crew." Why? Well I submit there is nothing inherently wrong with the sport, and rowing provides things such as backdrops/bridging scenes in movies. But have you ever talked to someone on crew? Shit if you have I'm sure you learned that crew is the coolest and toughest sport in the world. And I get it crew is pretty demanding and requires a decent amount of skill. But is this not true of most other sports. Case in point, I actually had this conversation.

Me: I don't know sometimes I think Ironman triathletes are the best in the world.
Crew guy and girl: Well typically CREW members are the fittest.
Me:....?

See I would expect an Ironman triathlete to respond to this but they are too busy RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON AFTER A TWO AND A HALF MILE SWIM AND A 112 MILE BIKERIDE!!!

But no, I dont think having an oar in your hand instantly makes you a douche, these people would naturally gravitate to other sports. Plus, England needs something to win at the Olympics.

No, my selection will be Fencing and really any sword sport in general. (Looking at you Kenjutsu) Here's my issue, first it's not even realistic. Have you seen one of these matches? Basically if you get tapped on the shoulder then poof, your dead. If you watch Deadliest Warrior, and I have, you learn that death blows are effective and awesome.



(Oh I've done this before, except we used branches and no padding)

Second problem is that these "sports" take up space. Which is fine as long as you have your own little sword fighting place. But NOOOOO, these guys always have to hold court in every local rec center in America. Wanna play some pick up basketball? Sorry these fucking tools are taking up half the court with their little saber battle. The local YMCA used to open up a half of the court in winter where you could throw a baseball around, and every time we would go we'd have to deal with blade masters. I remember one time we were waiting for them to be done and one guy came up to me and I swear said "Don't worry we won't hurt you"

That man also had braces.

Lately however, it's gotten much worse. I'm lucky enough to have indoor racquetball/handball courts. This is excellent for me because I don't have to pay a membership fee to an exclusive racquet club in order to play handball during the winter and poor weather. I walk in and who do I see. These Sanctioned LARPers holding a camp where infect younger generations with space stealing doucheness ON THE HANDBALL COURT. What's next? The Weightroom?

Hey Danielson, find your own Dojo and get out of my rec center.

Ok that felt good. Shit storm begin.

I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana

(The first draft of this article was written immediatley after the United States secured passage onto the next round, when it seemed inevitable that Germany would come in second in its group. Of course, the Krauts won their stupid, stupid group, leaving us to play Ghana. And, being the frugal enterprise we are at the Ghost, are employing the services of an intern as editor, 17 year old Tommy Martins. That is all.)









ARGH! These guys?! Again? I thought we already sent you packing during WWII the Third Ashanti-British War (1900–1901)? People who know me...heck, even people who DON'T know me, know that I hate hate hate Germany Ghana with a passion. I can't even say how much I hate hate hate Germany Ghana without repeating the word "hate" thrice. Hate hate (for the aforementioned and quoted use).

What do I say about Germany Ghana? What can anyone say about that awful, awful place? First off, in their native, barbaric and wretched-sounding tongue, it's pronounced Deutchland Ghana. Looks an awfully lot like the word "Douche," "Gonorrhea" no? Hey DEUTCH bags Gonorrhea bags! Go back to DOUCHEland Gonorrhealand!

I've never met a good-looking woman from Germany Ghana. They have parrallellogram parrallellogram haircuts, abstract arts, and their clothing is always the drabbest of drab most colorful of colorful. Me? I love colors drab! Purple, yellow, green, red, blue: I'LL WEAR THEM ALL I'LL NEVER WEAR THEM. Heck, I'll put it all on one many article articles of clothing, just to show how much I love color drabness and how much I hate hate hate drabness color.

The Krauts Warrior Kings and their arrogance. Their pride! What kind of nickname is Kraut Warrior King, anyway? Need I remind everyone about a certain couple few of episodes known as, uh, WORLD WARS I AND II THE ASHANTI-BRITISH WARS I, II, AND III. The first one was the absolute worst. Mustard Gas? Spears? That stuff eats your lungs out from the inside. Thanks for bringing that about, you Schnitzel cocoa-eaters. Oh, then the persectution of 6 million Jewish British people and countless more you Nazi Ashanti people slayed. THANKS YOU GUYS! HATE HATE HATE.

OH, and who's Germany's Ghana's most famed citizen? I don't think I needed to remind anyone of that previous fact, but I KNOW I don't need to remind anyone of the fact that ADOLF HITLER KOFI ANNAN IS WITHOUT A DOUBT ONE OF THE WORST PEOPLE TO HAVE EVER WALKED ON THE PLANET. I guarantee you there are teams of scientists spread out all over the world, just aching to invent a time machine to go back and make sure that Hilter Annan's never born by any and all means necessary. That's gotta be priority numero uno for any time voyager. Go to the future and purchase a sports almanac for present-day gambling purposes: No. 2. Castrating Hitler's Annan's dad: No. 1.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse elephant here, but c'mon. I think we all know the importance of this game Saturday, the US vs. Germany Ghana. This is about more than just soccer. This is about more than just Landon Donovan vs. Hans-Jörg Butt Anthony Annan. This is about sending a message that may have been forgotten long ago by our liberal conservative media today: America rules and Germany Ghana sucks.

In case you didn't know, I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana.

The End

PS: If the USA, can't win, I know it's a longshot but look for Ghana Germany to come out on top. That's where my money is. I got a GREAT feeling about those guys. Good team, good team.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Ok gang, this week we have a request from one of our readers.

Best childhood sports movie.

I'm going to stay out of this hunt, but I feel like this space gives me an opportunity to go on a classic Lattimer rant.

Childhood sports movies today blow ass. Major ass. I mean instead of legendary figures like Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez we have a primate leading teams to victory. The grinding play of Charlie Banks has been replaced by Zack Efron's flowing locks and "fresh" beats. And the most glaring difference is the iconic girl badasses, (Icebox, Connie Moreau, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney etc.) have been replaced with female characters portrayed as victims.

Oh and don't even get me started about the coaches.

Anyway I feel bad for this generation because they are now growing up with pure shit in terms of sports movies.

That is all, Shit Storm Begin.

McWunkler's All-American: Scott Sicko

"Loyalty to the bros, sticking it to the man, and paper stacking. This is what it is all about here at GRH." - Icehouse, Founder of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs

This is the quotation engraved on every plaque given to the various recipiants of the McWunkler's All-American award. This month's award goes to:



Scott Sicko, TE, New Hampshire.

You've probably already heard about this guy since last Saturday, specifically right after 32 NFL teams had approximately seven chances to add this large, sure-handed athlete to their respective rosters, declined, and he threw a subsequent hissy fit, a fit which included the words "since I didn't get drafted, I'm not going to try and get signed with a team, I'm going to go focus on my education, which is to be an educator."



Wahh wahhhh, indeed.

I'm sure his agent was like "WHAAAAAAAT?!" But then again, maybe this was a clever ploy, because, boy, did he get attention.

Shortly after he uttered this agent-choking-inducing statement (even though he had a lot of interest from Dallas, Jacksonville, and other NFL teams) limp-wienered, pointy-headed elitists who don't like it when big, dumb, athletic people get paid $40M in guaranteed cheddar started cheering from the Nerd Section about how much of a role model this kid was for shunning the NFL for the sake of education. "Here, here!" they clamored with their leather-elbowed tweeds. "About time some smart person stood up to those big dumb bullies," quothe the dweebs.

Noted KSK punching bag Peter "Who's Ready To Love What I'm About To Say" King said this : "It's nice, in the midst of a weekend when football seems more important than breathing to some, that we have a different kind of role model for our kids. I hope they read everything Scott Sicko just said here."

Because the kind of person I want influencing my spawn is the one who looks NFL teams in the face and says "Meh."

But wait! Sicko uses that above average brain of his (or he was given a late night visit by his agent and his agent's friends) and decided to sign with the Dallas Cowboys. He'll have an opprotunity to make exponentially more money than he could ever make teaching a bunch of kids who won't appreciate him, playing a sport in which delivering a coma-inducing blow to someone's head will get you a raise.

SUCK IT, WALT DISNEY!

Your good teacher making the right, heartfelt decision to stick it out for the kids is back to the drawing board. Looks like the ABC Family fall line-up is still going to be lacking and Sandra Bullock is not here to pull your story out of the gutter. Sicko could very well be making the league-minimum when he could be making about 1/12 of that in a classroom.

BITE ME, PETER KING!

Oh, football seems more important than breathing sometimes and breathing should ALWAYS BE IMPORTANT! D'oh. What a jabroni. Not a big deal if he doesn't want to do that thing that only a small fraction of people will ever be able to do ever. That's not admirable: That's retarded. And loogit! Sicko's not retarded. Now he's a Cowboy, for awhile anyway.

GET DOWN ON THESE, ACADEMIANS/PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR ROLE MODELS!

Nerds! HAHAHAHAHAH YOUR SAVIOR HATH FORSAKEN YOU!

Thank You, Mavericks Fans.

I had almost forgotten why I hated you in the first place.

Almost.

I've always been a Spurs fan. That's just the way things went. I didn't really hate the Mavs, they were just kind of this team to the north that sort of competed with the Spurs in the years that the Rockets were worse than the Comets. The Mavericks rise to prominence coincided with my leaving for college, which meant meeting many more Mavs fans than ever before. This was a revelation to me, that people gave a fuck about this team.

Then the rivalry started to heat up. After the Spurs won their third Championship in 2005, the Mavericks and Spurs squared off in the 2006 playoffs for what could be considered one of the greatest playoff series ever. The Mavericks ended up winning. All I could really say was, "good game." The Spurs played their best, but the Mavericks played better. That's all there was to it. Nothing more to say.

Then the Mavericks lost to the Heat in the Finals. And boy, did the tears flow. Tears about how the refs screwed them out of a championship. This had actually been a constant theme of Maverick fandom in previous years, but I never paid it much mind. You see, for me, fans who complain about the officiating of a game or series tells me that either a) they lack a basic understanding of the sport, or b) that they know in their hearts that their team wasn't good enough to win on their own. I categorized Mavericks fans into one of the two. Even though they had a pretty good argument about how refs treated them against the Heat, the fact remained that referees don't make the ball go in the hole, and referees for damn sure don't lose four straight games to you. Essentially, I never hated the team, but their insufferable fan base forced me to root against them.

Fast forward a couple of years. Now I live in Dallas. I love living in a town with an NBA team. I enjoy going to games, being able to watch it on TV eighty-two times a year, and talking about basketball with fellow fans. After the first year, I have to admit, the Mavs made me not despise them. This year, with the help of some shrewd off-season and in-season moves to bring a host of players I like to the team, I could even be counted among their fan base. I penned a "you don't totally suck" concession in these pages a few months back, and even bought a Roddy Buckets shirt.
Looking good there, big cat.

But in the past week, I remember why you're all a bunch of insufferable pricks. I've watched the past couple of games with Mavericks fans. With the exception of one or two knowledgeable and entertaining folks, they've been pretty awful. I can handle homers. I can handle assholes. I can handle idiots. All three qualities in several different people just put me over the top. Maybe I'm in a defensive mindset now that I'm in enemy territory. But then again....

Yeah. Fuck these pieces of shit. Fuck every last one of them.

After careful contemplation, I've decided that this is the Mark Cuban effect. As much of a shitbag as he can be, I respected that he would speak his mind, stand up for his players and support his team above all else. Unfortunately, it's grown into a vicious cycle. If he bashes the refs, fans take his word as gospel like he has some sort of insider information. He doesn't. He's gone to great lengths to seem like an average fan, and at the end of the day, that's all he really is. Just an asshole with better seats.

It's a brilliant marketing ploy, if you think about it. He bashes the refs, so the fans do too. They assume that their team is the best, and just get screwed out of the playoffs every year. It has nothing to do with the fact that their Aryan superstar, for all of his regular season merits, is a glass-jawed pussy that disappears in the playoffs. When fans miss the forest for the trees like that, there could never be any backlash against the front office that kept Dirk in lieu of the perennially likable Steve Nash.

The real tragedy for Mavericks fans is that they will never expand outside of this realm of ignorance. Short of Mark Cuban standing up and saying "this team beat us fair and square," there will never be any sort of rational thought. That's fine, as rational thought and sports fandom hardly ever go hand-in-hand. It would also be uncharacteristic of the sort of megalomaniac that prints up shirts with his face on them, as if he were one of the players. But to keep up the farce, Cuban must continue to berate the league and the officiating. This will never make the calls go in favor of the Mavericks. Put it this way: say you constantly berate the waitstaff of restaurants on their poor service. Do you have reason to be that shocked when somebody spits in your food? No you don't. Thems the breaks.

So now the series stands at 3-1 Spurs over Mavericks. I sure hope the juggernaut pulls this one off. But even if some cataclysm happens, and the Spurs lose three in a row, I won't blame the refs.

Breaking: Kevin Durant Leads League in Scoring

With 31 points in the Thunder's superfluous win over the Grizzlies, Kevin Durant locked up this year's scoring title.

Greg Oden, on the other hand, ended the season tied for first with Dorrell Wright in number of penises that ended up on the Internet. Both useless sacks of shit had one penis each show up on the Internet for the 2009-2010 season.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank the Blazers for jerking off yet another #1 draft pick. I wish them the best, but thoughts of what might have been only serve to infuriate.

Oh, and see you next year Toronto Raptors.

More playoff previews and coverage coming soon.

Congratulations, Fuckfaces.

We're really proud of you. Way to go. Your athletic fandom has meaning. I would also like to thank you, Duke fans, for making the world hate what has been a more likable Duke team than usual. Because of you, a new generation of Duke haters has been born.

You see, Duke hasn't won a tournament since 2001. It's high time that we remind a generation of kids that Duke fans are the unclean of the sports fans. They are not to be touched.

In addition to being the world's finest collection of grade-grubbing douchebags, they are also silver spoon classless cumstains. Exhibit A.

Yeah, real clever. Duke fans are so pitifully annoying that they make Butler students look cool and attractive. Students that attend a university I've never heard of that's based in Indianapolis. That's hard, man. Really hard.

Seriously, who would you rather party with? Definitely this guy.

Take a look at the Duke roster. You're looking at the coolest that Duke has to offer. Seriously. Jon Scheyer is the coolest that Duke has to offer, and I'm fairly certain that he makes those goon-ass faces during sex. If he had sex. Which he doesn't. On a side note, Butler coach Brad Stevens gets way more ass than the rest of the Duke team. I'm sure Coach K got elbow-deep in some Chinese tang in the summer of 2008, but back stateside, he's still married to that dude.

Which brings me back to you pimply fuckfaces at Duke. Being smart and going to a good school is admirable. But see how many friends being elitist about it earns you. People that go to the best schools in the country (not Duke) are nervous about revealing this fact, due to the stigma attached to it. In a Blue Devil's astigmatism-afflicted eyes, this stigma is a good thing.

So, we have social reject, ugly, and being an arrogant prick about it. What do you have? Oh! The "Cameron Crazies!" Duke fans must be crazy, right? Did they riot last night? No. No riot = not crazy fans. This really comes as no surprise. If you're not bold enough to take your socks off to have sex, you're probably not bold enough to light a campus police cruiser on fire.

Furthermore, I'm not sure who's delusional enough to do this, but don't even try with saying that it's a nice place to go to school. Calling Durham a shithole would be disrespectful to anuses everywhere.

So yeah. Have fun with this victory, Duke fans. Soon you will face the real world, where like every Duke player not named Danny Ferry, you will fail. Enjoy regaling your local bartender with the story about how you totally skipped out on your physics study group to watch the 2010 National Championship on Coack K court. He'll be really impressed.

Texas may lose, but they're still cooler.

No way would a Longhorn be caught dead looking like this dipshit. Nuh uh. Furthermore, Cole Aldritch is a giant sack of lame. He'll be like Brian Cardinal. What a wiener.

Enjoy the win, Jayhawks. Have fun doing whatever there is to do in Lawrence. The 'Horns are perfectly content to just be all-around cooler people. And to make boatloads more money next year. Fuck a degree, we're going to the League!

Boise State girls are ugly

Well, they are. Take Meg, here, for instance.

She's the hottest one. And she is freaking me the hell out.

She could rent out her forehead as billboard space, to make some extra cash.

Anyway, all of this comes from me watching the Tostito's Fuck You Bowl last night. I just couldn't help but think about how horrible it would be to go to school at Boise State. One, you're not in a cool college town, you're in Assmouth Boise, Idaho, as opposed to Texas' best-kept secret, Fort Worth. do you like darkness and three months of hospitable weather a year? Then Boise is for you. Are you a normal human being that likes sunshine and the ability to walk outside? Fort Worth is your spot.

Maybe it's ok to go to school there, since every single girl is bundled up to the point that they just look like androgynous humanoid blobs walking around. It's like hanging out with a bunch of chicks in burkas... if... you know... burkas are made up of ugg boots [vomits] and six north face jackets.

But yeah. Them bitches be ugly. Aaaaaaaaand to put the exclamation point on this meandering hatefest, I present to you "Boise State Cowbell Girl," which has already been hailed as THE DECADE'S FIRST INTERNET MEME! WOOOOOO! GET EXCITED!


But really, comparing any school's female population to that of TCU's is unfair. Percentage-wise, I'd put them up against anybody. Like I said. Best kept secret.