The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

This Week: DOGUS IS A LONGHORN NO MORE

Dogus has been here for too long. In Turkey, he was highly-regarded prospect. Here, he is bionic-legged joke. They mock his shooting. They say he is slow and useless. If Dogus so slow, why is he regarded as defensive specialist? Huh? Dogus ask you that!

The season went well enough. Dogus won more games against the hated 12 than he ever had before. After the disaster of last season, the doubters doubted Dogus and the Longhorns. It felt good to beat expectations instead of failing to live up to them.

But the feeling was fleeting. After being good, suddenly the Longhorns played bad. They lost to the Huskers of Corn, from Nebraska. Dogus chuckled, because "husking your corn" means something TOTALLY different in Turkey. But that's for another time.

The Longhorns limped into the tournament figuratively. Dogus limped in literally and figuratively. The Longhorns always fail in the tournament, Dogus thought. Dogus was right.

People tell Dogus Arizona Wildcats are good. They tell Dogus that the referees were the ones who failed, not the Longhorns. Dogus knows better. He knows the Longhorns are no good in March. This doesn't bother him. Dogus is gone from this place of drunkenness and wanton fellatio.

Dogus will miss this, but he is ready to return to the land that made him a hero. He will pick up where Allen Iverson left off.

U Mad?

Recycled Post: Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Icehouse wrote this post last year. Some of it is specific to the 2009 Red River Shootout, but most of it is still relevant. Enjoy.

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

Texas may lose, but they're still cooler.

No way would a Longhorn be caught dead looking like this dipshit. Nuh uh. Furthermore, Cole Aldritch is a giant sack of lame. He'll be like Brian Cardinal. What a wiener.

Enjoy the win, Jayhawks. Have fun doing whatever there is to do in Lawrence. The 'Horns are perfectly content to just be all-around cooler people. And to make boatloads more money next year. Fuck a degree, we're going to the League!

Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

CFB Preview

#2 Texas

Offense: They return basically everybody besides Quan Cosby. Namely Jordan "Van Wilder" Shipley, every running back, pretty much the whole line, and a certain mouth-breathing hillbilly Heisman candidate.

Defense: They lost Orakpo to the League, but bring back College's best drunk driver (I can't wait for jokes like, 'Sergio Kindle ran through those blockers like he does through living room walls'). Texas also brings back the whole defensive backfield, led by the pride of Orange, Deon Beasley.

Special Teams: Ryan Bailey is in fact involved in a Kicker Kontroversy over who will start. With another senior. Get. A. Fucking. Life.

Texas had a legit argument to be in the Championship game last year. However, Texas Tech being the douchebags they are, instead of putting up a fight in Norman, they buried their own faces in shit and let the Sooners stomp them in the nuts all the way to Florida. Whatever, I always enjoy seeing the Horns beat tOSU, especially since it involved a Quan swan song.

The question marks last year pretty much all revolved around the defensive backfield (would've beaten Tech if it wasn't for some late miscues) and the offensive line. They were both filled with underclass superheroes that were prone to the mistakes of youth. They're a year wiser, and a year more athletic. Unfortunately, ALL FOUR TIGHT ENDS have been injured. ALL FOUR. For real? How do you kill an entire position? That's less of a question mark and more of a missing chapter in the playbook. In regards to losing Orakpo, I'm all sorts of jacked to see freshman Alex Okafor get some reps. Dude is a tad weak (because he's 18), but he's got the body type of a Julius Peppers. Texas doesn't rebuild, we reload.

The Horns know the grind of the season. It's the same shit as it always is. Run through some cake like Wyoming, UTEP, and [insert Louisiana college not named LSU]. Then they enter the gauntlet that is the Big XII South. The big games are the same as always. OSU, TT, OU, and the Thanksgiving brother's war.

Analysis is thus: Texas is preseason ranked #2. Anything less than a championship game appearance is below par. Tebow and Florida have the hardware already, and Colt and the Horns need to hit that blue and orange target, or the season is a failure. Thems the breaks.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a freshman point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS GOES TO THE MOST RETARDED PLACE ON EARTH


Dogus is apprehensive. Coach Barnes and the team say that we are going to play a rival. They say that we lose to this team too much. They say we hate them. Dogus is apprehensive, and his back itches.

Dogus’ teachers and fellow students keep telling him that the place we are going is ugly. They tell him that the people are ugly and have sex with cousins. Dogus pictures Serbia in his mind. The teachers say, “Play well!” Normally they say, “don’t worry about the test.” Dogus is again frightened. Dogus can’t even finish his pita.

Dogus and the team get on the bus. The team puts on rap music. Dogus dances. Connor Atchley tries to dance, but fails. Two hours later they arrive at their destination.

The game starts. Dogus cannot dribble with his left hand. Dogus’ shot selection is poor.

Dogus is overwhelmed. Everyone where reddish brown. Everyone has military-style haircuts. Dogus doesn’t want anything to do with the army. Where Dogus is from, army is no joke. Sometimes army comes to house. Dogus is afraid that the army here might take him away.


Everybody screams in a high-pitched fashion. “Whoop!” they say. Even t-shirts that say, “Whoop!” This reminds Dogus of the yellow turbans. Dogus hates those fucking yellow turbans, and begins to understand. Dogus thinks that everybody around him is cross-eyed. He also thinks that Quan was right and that everyone here is retarded. Still, Dogus is apprehensive. Dogus throws the ball out of bounds.


Coach Barnes yells. AJ doesn’t score in the first half. Dogus still cannot dribble with his left hand. This was never a problem in Turkey.

Dogus is disgusted at how he is playing. Dogus is also disgusted at the people around him. Even Kurdistan is better than this place, Dogus thinks to himself. And nobody wants to go to Kurdistan.