Thursday, September 3, 2009

CFB Preview

#2 Texas

Offense: They return basically everybody besides Quan Cosby. Namely Jordan "Van Wilder" Shipley, every running back, pretty much the whole line, and a certain mouth-breathing hillbilly Heisman candidate.

Defense: They lost Orakpo to the League, but bring back College's best drunk driver (I can't wait for jokes like, 'Sergio Kindle ran through those blockers like he does through living room walls'). Texas also brings back the whole defensive backfield, led by the pride of Orange, Deon Beasley.

Special Teams: Ryan Bailey is in fact involved in a Kicker Kontroversy over who will start. With another senior. Get. A. Fucking. Life.

Texas had a legit argument to be in the Championship game last year. However, Texas Tech being the douchebags they are, instead of putting up a fight in Norman, they buried their own faces in shit and let the Sooners stomp them in the nuts all the way to Florida. Whatever, I always enjoy seeing the Horns beat tOSU, especially since it involved a Quan swan song.

The question marks last year pretty much all revolved around the defensive backfield (would've beaten Tech if it wasn't for some late miscues) and the offensive line. They were both filled with underclass superheroes that were prone to the mistakes of youth. They're a year wiser, and a year more athletic. Unfortunately, ALL FOUR TIGHT ENDS have been injured. ALL FOUR. For real? How do you kill an entire position? That's less of a question mark and more of a missing chapter in the playbook. In regards to losing Orakpo, I'm all sorts of jacked to see freshman Alex Okafor get some reps. Dude is a tad weak (because he's 18), but he's got the body type of a Julius Peppers. Texas doesn't rebuild, we reload.

The Horns know the grind of the season. It's the same shit as it always is. Run through some cake like Wyoming, UTEP, and [insert Louisiana college not named LSU]. Then they enter the gauntlet that is the Big XII South. The big games are the same as always. OSU, TT, OU, and the Thanksgiving brother's war.

Analysis is thus: Texas is preseason ranked #2. Anything less than a championship game appearance is below par. Tebow and Florida have the hardware already, and Colt and the Horns need to hit that blue and orange target, or the season is a failure. Thems the breaks.


  1. Missing the "absolutely homerism" tag.

    /throws his exceedingly original upside down "Hook Them" symbol
    //looks for nearest location to apply for a GED
    ///struggles and gives up within 40 seconds.

  2. The TE massacre blows for UT because they typically run a ton of 11 personnel on offense. I think Muschamp's D will be better after seeing all those offenses a second time around.

    Also what are the implications of Colt shaving his dirt stache?

  3. It means one of two things:

    1) He still can't grow a cool looking mustache.

    2) He didn't fit in with the Red River St. hipsters in Austin

  4. why can't these videos ever have good music?