HEAVEN, Tenn. -- According to press releases, the Lord God Almighty did, is, and is planning to smite American tennis icon Serena Williams for her noted public rant that cost her not only the U.S. Open tournament and $10,500, but also the disfavor of her heavenly Father for not finishing the job.
Williams was penalized for saying to a lineswoman, quote, "I swear to God I'm f*cking going to take this f*cking ball and shove it down your f*cking throat, you hear that? I swear to God."
"Talk is cheap," said God, in a conference call with reporters. "She got my attention, you know, swearing to me, and I respect that. Not only did she make that me-swear an entire sentence after the fact, but she even dropped a triple F-bomb, which really turned some heads around here.
"But nobody summons such power as claiming to cram a ball down a judge's throat without following through with it. For shame, says me. For shame. Tennis could have used the ratings bump."
Williams said that her agency has been in touch with Yahweh regarding His comments, and that the agency will be handling all of her communication with the Holy Spirit, Jesus, the Father or any of the Saints through written statements, public comments, curses or prayer henceforth.
"Serena has apologized numerous times for the regrettable instance. We're hoping this God character can move past it with us," said Gene Vandever, head of marketing and public relations for Shallet-Mason, LLC.
"It's also rather ironic, since God has a noteworthy track record of balking on lethal promises," said Vandever, referring to the incident in which God spake Abraham to slay his only son, Issac, on a mountain top before bailing Issac out at the last minute.
No word from Heaven on the criticism, only a grim face from God's right hand man, Christ, who notably was sacrificed for the wages of mankind's sins by God's divine omission, who was also overheard saying "Unbelievable, these guys!"
No word yet on what the manner of spiting will be, be it locusts, boils, or one of the known plagues, but God said he might develop something hitherto unseen at this point in recorded history, saying only, "believe you me, it's going to be a real humdinger, hooooooboy!"