Tuesday, September 15, 2009

God Smites Serena Williams After Failing to Follow Through With Throat-Cramming Fatality Pledge

HEAVEN, Tenn. -- According to press releases, the Lord God Almighty did, is, and is planning to smite American tennis icon Serena Williams for her noted public rant that cost her not only the U.S. Open tournament and $10,500, but also the disfavor of her heavenly Father for not finishing the job.

Williams was penalized for saying to a lineswoman, quote, "I swear to God I'm f*cking going to take this f*cking ball and shove it down your f*cking throat, you hear that? I swear to God."

"Talk is cheap," said God, in a conference call with reporters. "She got my attention, you know, swearing to me, and I respect that. Not only did she make that me-swear an entire sentence after the fact, but she even dropped a triple F-bomb, which really turned some heads around here.

"But nobody summons such power as claiming to cram a ball down a judge's throat without following through with it. For shame, says me. For shame. Tennis could have used the ratings bump."

Williams said that her agency has been in touch with Yahweh regarding His comments, and that the agency will be handling all of her communication with the Holy Spirit, Jesus, the Father or any of the Saints through written statements, public comments, curses or prayer henceforth.

"Serena has apologized numerous times for the regrettable instance. We're hoping this God character can move past it with us," said Gene Vandever, head of marketing and public relations for Shallet-Mason, LLC.

"It's also rather ironic, since God has a noteworthy track record of balking on lethal promises," said Vandever, referring to the incident in which God spake Abraham to slay his only son, Issac, on a mountain top before bailing Issac out at the last minute.

No word from Heaven on the criticism, only a grim face from God's right hand man, Christ, who notably was sacrificed for the wages of mankind's sins by God's divine omission, who was also overheard saying "Unbelievable, these guys!"

No word yet on what the manner of spiting will be, be it locusts, boils, or one of the known plagues, but God said he might develop something hitherto unseen at this point in recorded history, saying only, "believe you me, it's going to be a real humdinger, hooooooboy!"


  1. Serina Williamsis blow up at the line judge is really a matter of misplaced aggression. Once Caroline Wozniacki defeated Melanie Oudin in the quarter finals of the U.S. Open, Williams became discouraged as the 3000yr sacrifice in the making was ripped from her clutches. Serina Williams will continue feeding on her male suitors until another "chosen one" can be selected to both feed her hunger and satisfy the gods.

  2. Was that a Big Trouble in Little China elitism?

  3. No, but would have been a lot cooler if it was.