Tuesday, December 28, 2010

That's right, I said it.

The other day, I said that I was glad Jeff Lurie gave Michael Vick a second chance. That's right, I said it. I don't give a fuck.

I've got an idea. Instead of griping about me saying something, you should go to church. I heard they celebrate some dude's birthday this week, and that dude got famous because he preached about forgiveness. That dude also hung out with criminals, tax collectors, lepers. Oh what, you're surprised that a "Muslim" knows the story of Jesus? You mad? Yeah you are. You look like you're about to cry like a little bitch. Fuck you.

We have a prison system, because we try and reform criminals and give them multiple chances at leading productive lives. Why else would we let people out of jail? Under the thinking that we shouldn't forgive Mike Vick, then we should just execute everyone. You know where they execute people for petty bullshit? Iran and North Korea. You're a fucking fascist terrorist if you think we shouldn't forgive Mike Vick. Why don't you just strap a bomb to yourself and walk out into the middle of nowhere? Yes, because you're a failure as a human being and you should kill yourself.

Michael Vick is really good at football. He used to have a hobby that is unacceptable in a decent society. He was punished for things that he did. He paid his debt to society, and has been released - along with thousands of others - as a reformed ex-convict. He can't vote. He can't coach youth sports. What he can do is fuck up your favorite team every week because you're a cocksucking Giants fan. Asshole.

Michael Vick is a hero. Everybody loves a good redemption story. How many times did you see "The Fighter" this week? Hm? Yeah, Mark Wahlberg sucks and you're a racist. A man was misguided. He did some bad things. He hung out with friends who did bad things. Authorities set him straight, now he's doing what he loves for the right reasons, and making millions of people happy.

In conclusion, I'm glad OJ got acquitted, Kobe should be able to rape one white girl for every championship he's won, Tiger Woods has a bigger dick than you, and I fucked your mom. Wu Tang, bitches.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Shaquille O'Neal conducted the Boston Pops

Basketball leviathan and rectal flavoring aficionado Shaquille O'Neal made the most of his Monday night. Taking a break from his busy schedule of remaining completely motionless, Shaq decided to use his massive frame where it was needed most: conducting the Boston Pops, one of the best and most world-renowned orchestras in existence.

The Pops played very well, and even got into the act by donning some Celtics gear. The crowd was treated to a rousing version of Queen's "We Are The Champions" but left visibly disappointed that the concert featured neither "Shoot Pass Slam" nor the "Tell me how my ass tastes" freestyle.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Pretty cool huh?

Well it was, however this just goes to show why special teams in football is the most underrated aspect of the game.

Honestly, I think 75% of the time something awesome happens on special teams.

Just this play alone we have a fumble, turbo boost, punter flop, a kill shot, and a returner with developmental delays running out of real estate before he can decide on a proper celebration.


So for the shit storm, give us the most underrated aspect of sports.


Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Getting back into the tradition of putting up pictures of drunk athletes is a lot easier when you've got a wasted Reggie Miller (REGGIE MILLER?) giving to a barebacked floozie. Holla.

Okay, on to the pre-Christmas funbag. Ho ho ho.

Electric Eels are cool. Alligators are also cool. An alligator eating an electric eel? Well, that's just crazy enough to be viewed by dozens of people.

More from the wacky animal department, this is a parrot singing the most famous Drowning Pool song. Notably, the lead singer of this band died in an overdose years ago. Reincarnation advocates are probably sitting up in their papasan chairs right now.

This is a little old, maybe a week or so, but it's still worth viewing. I read somewhere that releasing the trailer to "The Beaver" is essentially announcing a "Remix The Beaver Trailer with Mel's Psychotic Rant" contest to the internet. Here's the contest winner.

Now on to the crap I like, which is traditional stand up comedy (FART NOISE). The A.V. Club released it's Bst Comedy Albums of 2010 list, along with some clips. Feel free to peruse the whole list, but here are a couple of my favs:

Hope everyone enjoys this last weekend of shopping before Christmas. I'm sure it won't make anyone want to commit murder. See you kids out there.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Kevin Garnett has something very important to say.

In addition to KG doing... that, I would like to draw attention to the expressions on Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal's faces in the background. They're like Grizz and Dot-Com to Ray Allen's Tracy Jordan. Furthermore, Ray Allen had that shit-eating grin on his face all game long.

Finally, everybody read the post below and sign up for the bowl pick 'em. That is all.

GRH Bowl Pick Em

I present to you a typical SEC fan. Why is this a typical SEC fan. Well that's simple 1. Making a Youtube video in his truck. 2. Epiphanies 3. Natural Light

The worst thing about this type of fan is that you simply cannot convince them about anything. If they think it's possible that Auburn could pay Alabama to throw the game, then that is written in stone for them.


You could beat a fan like this in a battle of football wits.

Lucky for you we've set up such a battle.

That's right GRH's Inaugural bowl pick em.

Here's how you do it,

Go to yahoo.

Find bowl Pick em under fantasy.

Ask to join a group.

Then you just pick who you think will win each bowl game.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Lattimer wouldn't it be a lot cooler if we could fill out a bracket like NCAA basketball/"

Yes, it would. But Jim Delany hates you and your face.

So sign up or Momma's gonna put you in the Auburn store.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Gideon Files, Part 2

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup cockknocks?! How you bitches been doing since I laid it down on y'all? HA! I know you've just been sitting around with your thumbs up your asses. You bitches don't hustle like me. I FLY AROUND THE FIELD.

So many of you are probably all like, "What's a badass motherfucker like Blake Gideon doing talking to me through this queer-ass blog?" Well the answer should be obvious to all of you. This year is so totally awesome that we get the season started early. That's right, the best season of the year, Flip Cup season. Normally I've got other shit going on until - psh, at LEAST like, January or some shit. But not this year. THIS year we get it on RIGHT NOW.

Flip cup is a game of champions you have to be committed. Focused. You have to stare fear in the face and be all, "I'm gonna slam this lukewarm ounce of foam and expertly land this cup upside down with a flick of the wrist." You KNOW there's going to be people yelling in your ear, and you KNOW your bros will never let you live it down if you choke. It's not like when you over pursue a running back, forcing you to try and chase him down after giving him a 20 yard head start. It's not even like when you're about to lay the smack down, but instead get smacked down. After something like that, you just go back to the sideline. No, this is different.

Since this year is so special, I'm throwing a kick off party to set the tone. It's going to be EPIC. Sam! Hey Macho Acho, my Nacho-eating BRAcho!

Sam Acho: Ugh. Hi Blake.

Blake Gideon:
You coming to the fiesta tonight, bro? There's gonna be sluts and frosty bronsons!

Sam Acho: While I'd like to sit here and explain to you how your use of the word 'slut' is indicative of your entire disaffected psychosis, I'd rather just tell you that I can't, because it's Wednesday and in the middle of finals.

Blake Gideon: ...

Sam Acho: Be well, Blake. I know it's not your fault you are the way you are.

Blake Gideon: Studying's lame, bro. Way lamer than sluts.

Sam Acho: Always a pleasure conversing with you, Blake.

Blake Gideon:
Sam's deep, bro. Deep like I was into your mom last night, RIGHT?! GET IT?! HAHAHAHA AWESOME!

[holds up hand for high-five]

So anyway. This party is going to be off the chizzy. Everyone who's anyone is going to be there. Hey coach! COACH! COOOOOAAAAAACH!

Will Muschamp: You're the man, Blake!

Blake Gideon: I know, RIGHT?! So, are you--

Will Muschamp: Blake, I've got something to tell you. You know how you've always been my coach on the field?

Blake Gideon: Shit yeah, brah! You know I got you!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Um. Well, you... you keep doing that, ok?

Blake Gideon:
SHIT YEAH! Hey coach, you're coming to my house for some rowdy FC, right? You know, flip cup?

Will Muschamp: Um. Wow, uh, I thought... Blake, look. I can't. I've gotta go...

Blake Gideon: Go where?

Will Muschamp: Go... go get some FourLokos. You just... you just hang tight, ok?

Blake Gideon: Tight like these sophomores' asses I'm gonna hit later tonight!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Just like that.


Blake Gideon: Coach is the coolest. Flip cup baaaabaaaayyyyy. WOOOOOOOO!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ron Artest's impression of Dave Chappelle's impression of Rick James always makes Kobe laugh.

"Hey Robin Lopez, what did the five fingers say to the face?!"

This picture was just entirely too great not to post. Why not make it a caption contest? Go for it.


"Now you see kids, Ron did a very good thing by coming to me first to tell me that he broke the window. Thank you, Ron, now you go play with the blocks while the grown ups clean it up."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Today we are going to examine athlete/celebrity look a likes.

I realize that athletes ARE technically celebrities, but play along with me.

This has been bothering me for weeks, but I can't get over the fact that Brent Celek looks like an athletic Napoleon Dynamite.

Just listen to him.


So for the shit storm let's get some athlete look alike's.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Guhhh. Cheer me up, Kareem.

There we go.

So yeah. The Holidays are here. We had a Christmas office party today. It was ok, I guess. I wasn't working, so that was good, but it was just an organized stress-free gathering, not necessarily a Partay, if you know what I'm talking about. There's something so unsettling about trying to be social but still needing to be professional. Fuck that noise. There's no middle ground with Icehouse.

Whatever, let's just get through this so I can drink a daiquiri while driving home.

First, we have the dreaded BUTT DRAG. If this kid serves time, I hope somebody quotes Office Space to him.

Eli Young band is like less successful Rascal Flatts. Or emo Big & Rich. Or something awful. Look, fuck them and their Affliction Ed Hardy bullshit.

The NBA has hit it's stride. Things are starting to shake out, the teams are gelling, and Jamal Crawford is breaking your ass down, chump.
Got 'im, Coach.

Just so you don't forget, Rajon Rondo is bananas.

I like to think that everybody in Montana is like this. Don't spoil it for me.

From what I've heard, this video is uncomfortably accurate.

And finally, Grand Theft Auto come to life. I envy this kid.

Well, that was fun. Give us a little escapism, Alana.

See y'all on the other side.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Urban Meyer Addresses His Team

Urban: Ok men, tough year. But, what do we do at Florida?





Urban: That being said, I'm resigning. For real this time.

OK see you at the Outback Bowl.

John Brantley: This is because I'm a pocket passer. Isn't it? ISN'T IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

(Meanwhile in Denver)


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Danny, The In Your Face Bandwagon Fan


Yo you see MY BOY Cam Newton this year? Shit I told you he was gonna be awesome, so fucking awesome he makes your head fuck itself when you watch him. Mother fucker is the spawn of Vince Lombardi and Bear Bryant, raised by Cecil to make sure my boy gets paid. What? That surprises you? My boy didn't ask for money, the entire football world showed up to his house with golden carriages, drawn by the finest quarter horses, filled with cash, coke, and 300 variations of the QB power.

My boy is the black Tim Tebow, cept he can throw and gets pussy. My boy Cam gets so much pussy his nickname is hello kitty. He runs through defenses like Alexander the Great ran through Persia with his Macedonian army, destroying the statue of Xerxes and burning the Palace in a blatant retaliation of Xerxes burning the Acropolis in 330 B.C. Cam is so awesome that if you walked into a room full of bikini models holding bottles of whiskey and midgets it wouldn't be nearly as cool as My boy Cam.

How bout MY BOY Blake Griffin?

Shit, Blake is so bad he runs with scissors in both hands....holding the handle. Fuck your safety scissors. You thought he messed up his knee last year? WRONG, my boy took a year off to investigate Julian Assange. Blake is so bad he makes Charlie Rangel scared. Ever wonder what would happen if King Kong and Godzilla had a baby? You would Get Blake Griffin. He frightens Japanese people with his ability to destroy large buildings. Guess who put the hole in the Ozone? Fuckin Blake playing hopscotch. When you google Blake Griffith it says "Did you mean fucking awesome." When my boy dunks it registers a 9.5 on the richer scale, which is greater than the New Madrid earthquakes of 1811-1812 that devastated much of northwest Arkansas and St. Louis. Evidence of which you can still fucking see today yo.

And did you see MY BOYS last night?

Hey guess what NFL, when you piss in a hornets nest you get stung on your dick. Guess who killed the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae, Fuckin Danny Woodhead running through their phalanx and Tom Brady finishing them off with football missiles to the head. My Boys are so bad even the Care Bears can't turn them. The Patriots ended Soviet Russia. Bill Belichick takes timeouts so he can make his move against Kasparov. Shit, he was the one who found Bobby Fisher in the first place. He's so good he can make Tedy Brushchi a pro bowler. The defense is like any normal defense, if you define any normal defense as 11 Silverback Gorrilas on Dianobol. Our front office is so smart it's no longer considered game theory, it's Patriot Theory. Our QB is so smooth he can sell Uggs. Haven't heard of Deion Branch in a while? That's because he was busy establishing his Mexican Drug Cartel. Shit, the Patriots offense torches defenses like Sherman Torched the South on his famous march to the sea in 1865 in which the Union secured its financial and industrial advantage due to the scorched earth policies. Does that offend you South. THE PATRIOTS DON'T CARE!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I'm sure you've all seen this.

Evidently, some Norwegians do this show about old stars who affected some young Norwegian. I especially like the Alberto Tomba appearance.

/hand gestures

Anyway for this shit storm let's remember some of the one hit wonder sports stars of the world.
My first selection is Tommy Frazier.

I hate Nebraska, but Tommy Frazier was amazing, especially as a 12 year old kid. After his college career all I knew was that he played a couple years in the CFL, similar to all other Nebraska QB's

Shit storm begin

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Man. It's been a while. Sorry to all of our followers who expected more productivity from us. Not really.

Anyway. It's been a time for family and togetherness.

Wooooo! Shirtless drinkin! Ok. Let's get bizzay.

So last night, Icehouse went and saw Love and Other Drugs. The movie a) is a late 90's period piece and b) features a lot of Anne Hathaway naked. Like, a whole lot. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT THIS MOVIE IS ACCEPTABLE TO SEE. The nudity was simply a ploy to make guys be all, "yeah, it was awesome, there was tits." No. The tits merely linked together one unfunny scene to the next. So yeah, go see Faster starring Dwayne Johnston.


First and foremost, the year in scandals. Taiwanese animation style.

Last night LeBron went all LEBRON JAMES on the Cavs. He knew he was going to have some animosity coming into the game, but he looks pretty surprised and butthurt from Mo Williams dissing him.

And now, here's a WHOLE LOT OF PUKE.

Downhill mountain biker Brian Lopes makes me want to shit my pants by flying down this course in Whistler, British Columbia.

Here's some super fun ski crashes, in honor of the opening of the season.

This is a new meme. It has immediately endeared itself to Lattimer and myself.

Charles Bronson kills hipsters. Bout fucking time.

So yeah. Fuck this week. Punch it in the face.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


Ron Artest happened.

After the Rockets beat the Lakers last night, Ron Artest called a radio station, impersonating Luis Scola.

Powered by Podbean.com

If I had a time machine that could take me back to last Thursday, I'd tell everybody in the world that I was thankful for Ron Artest. Because I am, and I forgot to say it.

I love you Ron. No homo.

I want to start a Free Radio Ron. It would be nothing but Ron Artest, 24/7. I would give him a wireless mic that he could just roll around with all day like Ruby Rhod from the Fifth Element.

Freezin' those knees, my chickadees.

via The Game

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"The Middle Class, That Prisoner of the Barbarian 20th Century"

If my quarter mile on this planet Earth has taught me anything it is that I do not understand black Friday. In fact black Friday frightens me.

I could go into a whole post about the worst of human behavior Vs. our reliance on a consumerist economy, but this is a cheap sports/culture blog.

We'll stick to what we do best, which is MAKING FUN OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS!!!

Up first, we have an altercation in Menards.

I'll give you a moment to figure out what the hell is going on.

To be honest I guessed that some lady stole the pyscho girl's products, which would have made this an awesome exit.

However, black Friday rears its ugly head. Looking at the youtube description the pyscho girl "allegedly" cut in line, management came over, and she flipped out. She also may or may not have stolen a laptop from Wal-Mart.

There's some more, but I found this one to be the most horrific. Behold. North Buffalo.

I watched this video 10 times, and I still can't give it a proper run down. I'll leave it to the hobbers in the comments.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills' WR Johnson's Lamentations

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. - The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson's Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday.

"I heard about it," God told several reporters during a routine visit to a Florida retirement village. "I mean, I hear everything. Even social media posts, which is really starting to clog up the comm. lines, but I digress...ONLY THE INFALLIBLE AMOUNT OF DIGRESSION, THOUGH.

"Basically, I heard what he said, but I've got other things to worry about than what goes on in Pittsburgh or Buffalo," concluded God. "Sure, I gave him a career and talent and birth in the US of A, but oh, No! I let him drop a pass! I'm the a-hole."

God said he doesn't recall what he was doing precisely when Johnson dropped the ball, but that he was a little worn out from making sure Portland didn't become a crater, and He doesn't "even think about time and space the same way you people do, so whatever."

God said he had no comment on whether or not to continually plague Johnson, but "I totally could if I wanted to, NO SWEAT." God then turned his attention to making certain Titans CB Cortland Finnegan was defecated on by an overhead bird.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

We're nearing 1,000 posts in our humble little blog. (that none of you assholes comment on) and there's something missing.

What is it?


Don't get me wrong, we hate a lot, but compared to the rest of the blogosphere we're pretty light.

So let's hate shall we?

I can't stand Ben Roethlisberger. It most likely has to do with the way Mike Vick was treated after he killed dogs compared to how Ben was received after he raped a girl. Because he did.

Anyway, I can't stand Big Ben the Grey. Phillip Rivers gets second place.

So for the shit storm, most hated athlete.

If you say Lebron, I'm going to lose it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Andy Roddick has taught Brooklyn Decker well. WOOOOOO! Longhorns!

You know what I hate? Bars that have 4pm Happy Hours. You know what I hate even more? The people at 4 pm Happy Hours. "Hey, look at me! I have a lax job that provides me with enough disposable income to where I can do all my drinking in a social setting while the sun is still out." Fuck the lot of 'em. I swear I'm going to drive home with a bucket full of water balloons one of these Fridays. Especially this winter. I hope you get the flu, chuckleheads!

The was a long and drawn out way of saying that I've been really busy the past couple of Fridays, and have resorted to barfing something up at the end of the day. Today I'm being proactive. So let's get it on.

Jason Kidd likes the Talking Heads. This video appears on the jumbotron at the American Airlines Center during games.

I tried to embed this shit, but couldn't. Kevin Love and Wes Johnson discuss their failed handshake attempt, and what they are doing so that it never happens again.

And just a reminder, Film Drunk is the only website you need for movies.

I really don't have a reason to post this. Let's see. Sports blog... Ciara... hmmmmm OH! BRAVES HAT! See? it fits. Just watch the video already.

In the words of the Situation, Bristol Palin is a grenade.

I'm a little worried about some of your biceps. Feed the pythons, guys.

Ok. That was fun. Everybody get out there and be somebody this weekend. You've got a long week of eating and football. Yes.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Just watch this video.

I know at GRH we appeal to a more adult and "sophisticated" crowd, howver I feel it's my duty to address the national crisis we're facing.

That crisis?

Four Loco.

As you see in the video college students are getting "inebriated" on this energetic alcoholic drink.

Sorry I cant be a wise ass anymore.

Really Assemblyman Ortiz?


YOU are telling me that your heart rate increases with caffeine?

YOU get drunk after drinking the equivalent of 8 beers?

Well shit, fuck me sideways and call me popcorn. I didn't know that.

I don't want to sound like a "back in my day guy", but back in my day we mixed red bull and vodka.

Hell, our dear readers in Tennessee can buy a handle of Everclear. For the UN-initiates that is PURE GRAIN ALCOHOL. you could also buy 5 billion Red Bulls. If you drank them, you would either die, have a really great night,* Or shoot a perfect shot with a BB gun through the hole of a dog ear cleanser.**

But go ahead and whine about your $3 dollar booze. Talk to me when they take T.W Samuels off the market.

**Actually occurred

Some people just can't let go.

Scene opens. Icehouse is flexing in front of the mirror in his underwear, tumbler full of scotch in hand.

[Click play for soundtrack]

[Phone rings]
Icehouse: What the fuck is up?!

Lindsey Vonn:

Icehouse, I've been thinking about... us.

Icehouse: Oh yeah? Well, we had a good run, but it's better this way. I hear you're doing great, and that you're all healthy coming into the season, so.... you know... good luck and all that.

Lindsey Vonn:
Icehouse, wait a second--

Icehouse: No time, baby, I gotta--

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, I'm pregnant.

Icehouse: You're WHAT?!

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I'm not, I just wanted you to pay attention to me. I do have something for you, though.

Icehouse: Okaaaaay. It's not going to be anything crazy, is it?

Lindsey Vonn: No, it's... sexy.

Icehouse: Hm. Continue.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I know how much you love National Lampoon movies, as well as spoofs of police movies, so I--

Icehouse: Dressed up as Kathy Ireland spoofing Sharon Stone in Loaded Weapon 1?

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, um... well, yeah.

How did you guess that?

Icehouse: Instinct, baby. Instinct.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, do you want to come reenact the butt-in-the-moonlight scene?

I'd like to, but I got a prior commitment.

Lindsey Vonn: Well can we at least exchange dirty text messages? It's all the rage these days among athletes.

Icehouse: Ehhh, you can if you want, but remember, I drink a lot and have a blog.

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, how I wish things could work out between u--

Icehouse: Well, I wish I could stay and chat, but it happens to be underwear dance party night here at the Icehousehold. Take it sleazy.

[Hangs up]

Ready baby?

Icehouse: Righteous.

Jeopardy! is scared of Icehouse

Icehouse has applied to be on Jeopardy! several times. I've passed the test and everything I just never get chosen. True story. I figured it's just because they don't want me taking all of their money. Which I'd do. And I'd be mean about it. "What is 'Fuck you, pay me,' Alex.

Seriously, there's no way I would play nice with others.

Oh man. If you don't know what's coming next, you must be new here.

...wait for it...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


And this is why I loathe Redskins fans.

The complete delusional mindset that THEY are the center of the football universe and THEY deserve to win a championship every year. Why don't you step out of the hell hole known as NOVA and talk to some Lions fans. THEY have some serious qualms.

Listen to it. Last Monday was not a result of Mike Vick and the Iggles completely blasting a mediocre team. NO, it was something else. THEY should have won. Nay. DESERVED TO WIN THAT GAME!!!


Seriously, eat shit Redskins.

(Also best part is LaVar Arrington "Get it")

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Michael Vick Stars in Movies That Appear Only in Icehouse's Dreams.

A lone masked rider appears on the horizon. He comes from parts unknown, somewhere near the Adirondacks of the mid-Atlantic, maybe.

Haunted by his past, yet manipulated by a higher power, he battles on the side of the just in a struggle for the control of his destiny. Hunted by beasts and demons of all forms, he remains in perpetual motion. His guns are trained on the weak spots of the enemy's defenses. His eyes fixed on a goal seen by all, but whose meaning remains a mystery to all but he, the masked rider.

A wanderer with no home, no peace, no rest, he can only take solace in the sisyphean battle against netherworld evils from epochs past. This internal war provides the fuel needed to destroy the earthly foes.

Will he ever find peace within himself? Will he ever settle old scores? Will he ever defeat those who seek to destroy him?

We'll just have to wait and see.

video via BSO

Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

I woke up early this morning, made some of the FINEST coffee you've never dreamed of tasting, and sat in some of the FINEST LINENS that Cracker Barrell's gift shoppe can provide. Which, as we all know, IS CONSIDERABLE.

Turning on ESPN, as I do most morning to catch up on all of the sports I didn't have time to watch throughout the weekend (there are CRACKERS to be BARRELLED, PEOPLE), I saw the headline "BAD BLOOD IN DENVER" and immediately presumed there would be fisticuffs worth sitting through a Meril Hodge analysis of anything (guuuuh).

Shame on me, Mr. Hobbs. Shame on me.

No, nothing really happened. If you're a big college football fan, Tim Tebow threw and rushed for a touchdown. Denver won, but it wasn't like a blow out or anything. But nary a drop of bad bloodshed that I had been led to believe. The "bad blood" to what the Entertainment Sports Programming Network was referring? Coaches Haley and McDaniel...(record scratch) DID NOT SHAKE HANDS.


For this MMSS, get some new traditions of showmanship for your favorite sport. I've already discussed IN GREAT DETAIL my affinity for cake and its use in traditions, such as the winning coach getting to throw some in the losing coach's face. You know, to break the tension. Cake scenarios aside (BECAUSE THEY ALL WIN), I'd like for the captains to determine terms and conditions during the meeting for the coin toss, like a battle out of Braveheart. "Yes, if we win, we control the AFC East, but also, your coach must put his head between his legs and kiss his own arse."

Or something like that. New traditions, ya'll. NEW SCHOOL. Hobbers: COMMENCE.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Did you know that Natalie Gulbis and Ben Roethlisberger used to date? I hate this world.


It's late on Friday. Let's make this happen quick and dirty, the way Ben likes it.

If you grow a wankster mustache for Movember, I'll make you eat it.

Icehouse says OMG FUNK! This announcer says... something else.

This kid has mad flavor.

Allen Iverson is in Turkey. No, not playing basketball... yet. But, it's gotta be pretty fucking cool to show up in street clothes and get this kind of reception.

Remember, Gilbert Arenas poops in shoes.

That's it. Go to hell.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Oh, you want Cam Newton in your video?

Us the villains, fuck your feelings
While y'all playa hate we in the upper millions
What's the dealing, huh? It's like the SEC's been soft
Ever since Cam came through and crushed the buildings

I'm tryin to restore the feelin, fuck the law keep dealin'
More money, more cash, more chillin
I know they gonna criticize the hook on this song
Like I give a fuck I'm just a crook on this song.

College Park, Georgon took on the world
Shit, I led a life you can write a book on
Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street
Man and I tell ya it'll be the best seller

Money, Cash, Hos

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A brief history of school/fan rap videos

I think you all know that I'm vehemently anti-school/fan rap videos.

Case in point.

IF you dare to actually watch this what you will see is 12 people absolutely destroying what was once a fine university. To me UGA always seemed like an amazing SEC school to attend and now all I can picture are these tool sheds telling me how awesome it is to walk around campus and study.

No offense to orientation workers, they mean well, they just happen to creep me out. I remember my orientation and the cheeriness was just too much. Perhaps it was because this occured during football camp, where: 1. you hate the world 2. Everything is funny 3. Every member of the opposite sex looks attractive. I think it came to a boiling point on the one night we had to watch these types and videos and shit. (Icehouse may be able to clarify) Anyway I had just shredded my MCL and was in no mood to play the name game or two truths and a lie. All I wanted was a beer. Just one icy, delicious beer.

That happened and an orientation person woke me at midnight to question me on my roomate's whereabouts when I had to wake up at 5:30.

My point is this. I understand you want to do something really cool and fun to get kids excited about COLLEGE!!! and FUN!!! and MAKING LIFELONG FRIENDS!!! all within the university's guidelines, but at some point you need to ask yourself. "Is this really stupid?"

Perhaps I'll write more on this later.

The embarrassing school rap videos don't end at orientation, in fact their inception started with fan rap songs. The first being "College Station Throw Your Hands Up"

Icehouse summarizes this nicely by stating "No rap video should start with people buckling seat belts"

This video is fairly significant because as far as I know this is the first fan rap video that kicked off an despicable genre.

Other fans, motivated by football pump up videos, continued to make school raps and covering mainstream songs to highlight their school's superiority over others. This lead us to perhaps the worse example of a fan rap video. "All the Sooner Fans"

What we have here is a middle aged radio jockey and what I can only assume are his two children performing a Sooner-centric Beyonce song. Two things bother me. First, the kid on the right seems to be way too into the dance moves. Second, the main "diss" in the song is "Oh UT beat us but you didn't make it to the championship because of a technicality"


From what I gather from Texas fans the horns down sign is lame, but I ask the question. How lame is it to have a hand sign to begin with?

Understandably, this genre is primarily centered on football, however, we also see examples in other sports. In a response to Title 9 the Mizzou Volleyball fan club (VolleyZou) decided to make a rap video supporting their favorite club. The Missouri Women's Volleyball Team.

This isn't really an attack on women's sports, but you really have to look at yourself in the mirror when you make a rap video....about volleyball.

Just to highlight the fact that this isn't limited to the Big 12 let's look at a current BCS favorite Oregon.

Here's my issue with Oregon. Everyone always says how great it is and how badass they are. As you can tell this was made before this season, and at that point Oregon has been known for getting curb stomped by Big Ten (11) teams in the Rose Bowl and Dan Fouts. Just keep that in mind.

Of course players also make their own videos, most notably the Super Bowl Shuffle, but let us not forget "Let's Ram it"

Now you may make fun of these, but I typically give the 80's a pass due to the massive amounts of Cocaine. Plus, Jackie Slater and Dickerson are awesome.

Here's a more modern example of a player rap.

That takes us to what a fan rap video should look like.

I had resigned myself to the fact that the best fan rap video would be associated with some type of movie.

Until Eastern Kentucky University came along.

This is how you make a fan rap video. Make it funny, uncensored, and use inside jokes to make fun of your school. I mean not everyone can lay down the line:

(What we got?)

Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet
Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat
We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite
Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat

The guy throws down the keys and not everyone can use a chubby ginger autotuned in an effective manner.

My point is this. If you ever get the urge to lay down a sweet beat about your favorite school or beat. Don't. It won't turn out as cool as you think, and people like me will make fun of you.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Hey, what's up Cleveland. just here to see how you are, you know, checking in. I've seen your facebook updates, seems like that break up was pretty rough......

yeahhhhhhhhhh.............. I saw that. Typically my policy is to not make "you tube videos" but if that helped then whatever.

Here's the fucking thing Cleveland. YOU are now becoming fucking creepy. Nobody feels sorry for you. In fact, nobody gives a shit about you or your shitty ass state. I know you had a good thing going with Lebron, and it was fun, it was nice, but shit it's over.

I don't know how it works in Ohio but where I come from we celebrate our natives accomplishments mainly because "they got the fuck out" But no, you have hate in your heart, and you want other people to feel as miserable as you.

This whole Lebron thing baffles me to no end. Everyone is fucking splooging over this video but I want to fucking puke. Honestly, we have people of Cleveland thinking that Lebron owes them something. Fucking Americans in general think they are entitled to shit. Well let me tell you something. NOBODY OWES YOU SHIT. especially a 25 year old basketball player. We don't get political on here, but I'll simply say that I'm seeing this more and more. That is, people expecting shit just because. Or ( and the more asinine stance in my opinion) an athlete betrayed you by making a personal decision. Get fucked Cleveland. The Drew Carey show sucked anyway.

The other thing I don't get is how everyone else (non-Cleveland/the ever increasing group think seen in the sports blog world) Holy shit a guy made a business decision. He took less money to play on a kick ass team. I'm pretty sure we've all done this on every single sports video game, and LeBron DID IT IN REAL LIFE. Was "The Decision" thing a little douchey? Yeah, but we've all done some douchey things in out life. Plus I'm fairly sure 95% would jump at the chance to have an hour of TV devoted to our career choices.

Soooo uhhhhhh yeah, there's the shit storm.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Throw a chaw in. It's Friday.

YES. Not sure about you guys, but this Friday's been a long time coming. I got some unwinding to do. Let's get on with it, then.

First of all, for all the ladies and gays out there, here's this commercial for the shakeweight -- FOR MEN.

I was thinking about getting Medal of Honor instead of Call of Duty: Black Ops, since I have several CoDs already. But Medal of Honor doesn't have this commercial, starring Kobe Bryant. Game: CoD.

I would have much rather seen Vladimir Guerrero do this. Still. Pretty funny. Rally Thong.

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcbayarea.com/video.

Our very own Zack Stovall gives people the smiles, and makes a baby cry.

Cesc Fabregas tweeted this Arsenal tribute video, and I'll confess to liking it. WARNING: Staind.

Ok, that's it for this week, friendos. Everybody go outside and have fun.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association's Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, and Versus.

First and foremost, let me express my sincere regret that such a kerfuffle occurred at all. Mine is a game of passion, and desire, and determination, and as such, opposing sides can become consternated with one another, each going toward the same noble end of victory. Whether the victor or the vanquished, neither should be one to spoil.

Now to the matter at hand: That I, a veteran of our beloved association, receiving a bevy of personal and team accolades during this vaunted career, would stoop so low as to call a glabrescent Charles Villanueva a "cancer patient," in fact or in jest, to chide him as a competitor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is below even my most base faculties.

Malignant carcinogens are currently wreaking havoc across our fair lands, invading the fertile, beautiful plains of our Families and Friends not unlike unwelcome chariots of war. Each and every man, woman, and child can put a name, a face, and a memory to a victim of this dreaded affliction. Billions of dollars, countless man-hours, and an infinite amount of efforts and tears have been spent in the fight to halt their advances, so that we may all see brighter days. Let us take a moment of silence for those who have fallen...

/wipes tear from eye with fancy handkerchief in front coat pocket
//refolds it perfectly, puts back in front coat pocket

Now, to the points of clarification between the actual heated discourse of myself and Mr. Villanueva. I have voiced my clear aversion to using carcinogens as a form of ridicule, even for those who suffer from diseases rendering them tonsured, also common among those being treated for the vile disease. Not only is such banter offensive, but it is vulgar and beneath my well-tried facilties.

I prefer metaphors.

To say Mr. Villanueva is cancerous? Why, a more apt comparison could not be found! Find me a man who is as debilitating to his team's efforts than Mr. Villanueva! Find me a man who represents our beloved association as heinously and brazenly as Mr. Villanueva! Find me someone who is so deplorable, so abhorrent, so loathsome as he, one who makes the quality of those around him, those against him, and those in rank with him in our league so diminished that it can only be said he is a malignancy SUCH AS, to use a simple simile rather than an illustrative metaphor, a cancer. I implore you to find someone as abominable as Mr. Villanueva. I submit that you will not.

I do wish Charles Villanueva all of the best. He is, after all, a brother in arms. This fraternal bond we share from the Association is one not broken by mere verbal slings and arrows. But when I see a fellow associate enfeebling and enervating our high courts to such a low base? I shall call him out, and not a moment too soon, no matter what his depilous aesthetic may be.

I yield my time.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Good series, guys.

At least I got basketball to look forward to.

Well, the Cowboys are over for the season. So much so that they even made David Garrard and the Jags look like a dominating force over the weekend.

The longhorns lost to... I can't even say it. The Baptist school in Waco.

And now the Rangers lost in the World Series. So at least I got the Spurs to look forward to. After all, the finals will be played in an odd year, and the Spurs have won championships in the last four of six odd years. I got a good feeling about it.


Man. Glad that's over-- OOOHHHH NO IT ISN'T!


vids via The Basketball Jones

Monday, November 1, 2010

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mike Piazza is such a douche. But he illustrates what today's storm is all about. Another one of the great intersections of sports and music.

We all know that music has different effects on people. We also know that athletes love to listen to some tunes before they go to work. They even make commercials about it.

So for today's shit storm, what songs would you use to get pumped up? What situation would you use a song in? In the locker room? On the bus? Walking out to take on Jon Cena at bash at the beach? Walking out at the Jake to shut down the Yankees?

I've got a lot of love for the art of choosing your theme music. Our basketball team in high school had the best mix tape of all time. More on that in a second. We would also judge other teams by their mix tape. One team from San Antonio ran out to Korn's "Blind." Seriously, they timed it so they would run out as soon as he yelled "ARE YOU READY?!" Fuck and that noise. No way we weren't going to beat that team by any less than 30.

We also had a secret ritual for away games. It involved a little music group I like to call Ace of Base. I'm not kidding.

When listening to "The Sign" and a couple of other AoB bangers, we lost one away game the entire season. The championship.

But back to the Shit Storm at hand. My selection comes from the very first song of our mix tape. "Top's Drop" by Fat Pat. Something about the crescendo at the beginning just gets me juiced.

Texas plates don't hate showin' up in the state.

So what's your pump-up jam? "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie? "Survivor" by Destiny's Child? Are you that much of a douche that you're going to say anything by the Dropkick Murphys? You are, aren't you.