The Gideon Files, Part 2

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup cockknocks?! How you bitches been doing since I laid it down on y'all? HA! I know you've just been sitting around with your thumbs up your asses. You bitches don't hustle like me. I FLY AROUND THE FIELD.

So many of you are probably all like, "What's a badass motherfucker like Blake Gideon doing talking to me through this queer-ass blog?" Well the answer should be obvious to all of you. This year is so totally awesome that we get the season started early. That's right, the best season of the year, Flip Cup season. Normally I've got other shit going on until - psh, at LEAST like, January or some shit. But not this year. THIS year we get it on RIGHT NOW.

Flip cup is a game of champions you have to be committed. Focused. You have to stare fear in the face and be all, "I'm gonna slam this lukewarm ounce of foam and expertly land this cup upside down with a flick of the wrist." You KNOW there's going to be people yelling in your ear, and you KNOW your bros will never let you live it down if you choke. It's not like when you over pursue a running back, forcing you to try and chase him down after giving him a 20 yard head start. It's not even like when you're about to lay the smack down, but instead get smacked down. After something like that, you just go back to the sideline. No, this is different.

Since this year is so special, I'm throwing a kick off party to set the tone. It's going to be EPIC. Sam! Hey Macho Acho, my Nacho-eating BRAcho!



Sam Acho: Ugh. Hi Blake.

Blake Gideon: You coming to the fiesta tonight, bro? There's gonna be sluts and frosty bronsons!

Sam Acho: While I'd like to sit here and explain to you how your use of the word 'slut' is indicative of your entire disaffected psychosis, I'd rather just tell you that I can't, because it's Wednesday and in the middle of finals.

Blake Gideon: ...

Sam Acho: Be well, Blake. I know it's not your fault you are the way you are.

Blake Gideon: Studying's lame, bro. Way lamer than sluts.

Sam Acho: Always a pleasure conversing with you, Blake.

Blake Gideon: Sam's deep, bro. Deep like I was into your mom last night, RIGHT?! GET IT?! HAHAHAHA AWESOME!

[holds up hand for high-five]

So anyway. This party is going to be off the chizzy. Everyone who's anyone is going to be there. Hey coach! COACH! COOOOOAAAAAACH!


Will Muschamp: You're the man, Blake!

Blake Gideon: I know, RIGHT?! So, are you--

Will Muschamp: Blake, I've got something to tell you. You know how you've always been my coach on the field?

Blake Gideon: Shit yeah, brah! You know I got you!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Um. Well, you... you keep doing that, ok?

Blake Gideon: SHIT YEAH! Hey coach, you're coming to my house for some rowdy FC, right? You know, flip cup?

Will Muschamp: Um. Wow, uh, I thought... Blake, look. I can't. I've gotta go...

Blake Gideon: Go where?

Will Muschamp: Go... go get some FourLokos. You just... you just hang tight, ok?

Blake Gideon: Tight like these sophomores' asses I'm gonna hit later tonight!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Just like that.

[leaves]

Blake Gideon: Coach is the coolest. Flip cup baaaabaaaayyyyy. WOOOOOOOO!

The Gideon Files

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup, bitches? BG in the house. All up in your shit like I'm leaving bibles on your dresser. HAHA! You like that? You see, the Gideons are a group of people that leave bibles in hotel rooms or some shit. But just because we share the same name doesn't mean I'm one of them. That's the joke! YOU GET IT, MOTHERFUCKER?! Yeah you do. Shit yeah you do.

So what's been up? Oh yeah! Summer, brah, summer. It's been a real treat. Hittin' up the lake on the regular, I got some grades back from some classes I was supposed to show up at, and totally aced them. I'm so fucking smart.

The whole summer's been a blast. I saw Cedric Benson down on West Sixth over Memorial Day. I went to give him a high-five, but missed, and whacked this guy behind him. I think it was a bouncer or some shit. He got all pissed off about it, so I told him to go fuck himself. Long story short, I think Ced has some legal troubles.

Then this past weekend. Ohohhohoho man. FIJI Island, motherfuckers! The best party in the whole world! You don't know shit about it, bro. Nothing. You have no clue how hard we party. We party to the max, just like I play football! BALLS TO THE WALL!

So afterwards, we were chilling and shit at some bro's house. We had some honeys over there, and I was skeezing on these chicks up here taking summer school classes. 17-year-olds, bro, you know what I'm saying? They LOVE to get them a piece of the Gideon. I'M THE FASTEST GINGER IN THE WORLD! LOOK HOW FAST I SPRINT TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE, EVEN IF IT'S A PASSING PLAY! I RUN SO FAST I WHIFF ON EVERY TACKLE! THAT'S FAST!

The after party was the bizomb. Sergio was back in town, about to bounce to Baltimore to play for the Ravens. He's gonna kill it in the NFL, I just know it. I can't wait to get there myself. I'm definitely going to. Did you see how I almost had the game-winning interception against Tech in '08? But for realz, Serge was cool. I was telling him he was gonna be awesome in the league, then as he was blowing me off, I went in to give him a bro grab. I missed, and ended up headbutting him. Since I'm so jacked, I don't really know the strength of my accidental headbutts, so he went flying down some stairs. I think it showed up on the news or some shit.

Either way, he's gonna be doing his thing, and I'm gonna get back on my grind. With Earl up in Seattle now, I'm the leader of the defensive backfield. Doesn't that just make your freckles tingle! WOOO! LONGHORNS ALL THE WAY!