2010: The Year of the Douchebag

IT'S OFFICIAL: 2010 is the year of the douchebag. Think about it. Outside of the Saints winning the Super Bowl, every single thing that happened in Sports was just one douchebag after another. Cam Newton, Auburn faithful, and SEC hegemony is just the icing on the cake of douche.

Let's take a recap.





Lakers fans. Fucking Lakers fans, man. Click for the gif here.






So raise your glasses. Let's have a toast for the douchebags.



Any douchebags that I missed? Leave them in the comments.

The Gideon Files, Part 2

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup cockknocks?! How you bitches been doing since I laid it down on y'all? HA! I know you've just been sitting around with your thumbs up your asses. You bitches don't hustle like me. I FLY AROUND THE FIELD.

So many of you are probably all like, "What's a badass motherfucker like Blake Gideon doing talking to me through this queer-ass blog?" Well the answer should be obvious to all of you. This year is so totally awesome that we get the season started early. That's right, the best season of the year, Flip Cup season. Normally I've got other shit going on until - psh, at LEAST like, January or some shit. But not this year. THIS year we get it on RIGHT NOW.

Flip cup is a game of champions you have to be committed. Focused. You have to stare fear in the face and be all, "I'm gonna slam this lukewarm ounce of foam and expertly land this cup upside down with a flick of the wrist." You KNOW there's going to be people yelling in your ear, and you KNOW your bros will never let you live it down if you choke. It's not like when you over pursue a running back, forcing you to try and chase him down after giving him a 20 yard head start. It's not even like when you're about to lay the smack down, but instead get smacked down. After something like that, you just go back to the sideline. No, this is different.

Since this year is so special, I'm throwing a kick off party to set the tone. It's going to be EPIC. Sam! Hey Macho Acho, my Nacho-eating BRAcho!



Sam Acho: Ugh. Hi Blake.

Blake Gideon: You coming to the fiesta tonight, bro? There's gonna be sluts and frosty bronsons!

Sam Acho: While I'd like to sit here and explain to you how your use of the word 'slut' is indicative of your entire disaffected psychosis, I'd rather just tell you that I can't, because it's Wednesday and in the middle of finals.

Blake Gideon: ...

Sam Acho: Be well, Blake. I know it's not your fault you are the way you are.

Blake Gideon: Studying's lame, bro. Way lamer than sluts.

Sam Acho: Always a pleasure conversing with you, Blake.

Blake Gideon: Sam's deep, bro. Deep like I was into your mom last night, RIGHT?! GET IT?! HAHAHAHA AWESOME!

[holds up hand for high-five]

So anyway. This party is going to be off the chizzy. Everyone who's anyone is going to be there. Hey coach! COACH! COOOOOAAAAAACH!


Will Muschamp: You're the man, Blake!

Blake Gideon: I know, RIGHT?! So, are you--

Will Muschamp: Blake, I've got something to tell you. You know how you've always been my coach on the field?

Blake Gideon: Shit yeah, brah! You know I got you!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Um. Well, you... you keep doing that, ok?

Blake Gideon: SHIT YEAH! Hey coach, you're coming to my house for some rowdy FC, right? You know, flip cup?

Will Muschamp: Um. Wow, uh, I thought... Blake, look. I can't. I've gotta go...

Blake Gideon: Go where?

Will Muschamp: Go... go get some FourLokos. You just... you just hang tight, ok?

Blake Gideon: Tight like these sophomores' asses I'm gonna hit later tonight!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Just like that.

[leaves]

Blake Gideon: Coach is the coolest. Flip cup baaaabaaaayyyyy. WOOOOOOOO!

The 2010 Cardinals reflect on the Season

Cardinals Clubhouse



Albert: Ho K guys da season dint go as we ha planned so I tink we need to really reevaluate who we are as a team.

I like to start dis meeting out as a prayer.

Yadi grab my hand.

Yadi Whatever you say mang.

Albert Dear Lord Jesus we ask......

whispering

Hey Albert

Big guy

Hey Albert

El Hombre

Albert
Albert
Albert
A L B E R T PUJOLS

Albert WHAT MANG!!!



Boog HEY MAN WHAT'S UP!? Hey, will you sign my baseball card?

Albert Mang we are trying to have prayer.

Boog Yeah man, talkin to Jesus, love that guy. Anyway I was just thinking that you could sign this baseball card for me and then maybe this whole stack of memorabilia so I can hang it in my room. Along with my fathead posters.

Albert Mang jus stop talking, jus stop.

Ok does anybody have anything to say? Matt?

Holliday What uhhh hey do you guys know a good gold hot tub guy?

Albert mang, Franklin?


Franklin so tear me open but beware there's things inside without a care, but the hurt still stains me.....so hold me until I'm clean.

IT GRIPS YOU SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAD!
/turns off amp

oh what?

Albert Kyle?



McClellan FUCK I JUST HATE THIS SHIT, I JUST LOOK AT THE BATTER AND I GET SO....SO.....ANGRY!!!! FUCK WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE PLAYOFFS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

/bangs head against wall repeatedly.

Albert Adam?


Wainers Chillin Bro

Albert Chris?



Carpenter Well when you look back on it we really didn't play consistently and....

Boog Chris
hey Chris
Cy young,
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp

Chris WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU ADHD FUCKHEAD

/boog pulls out baseball card

No I won't sign your baseball card, in fact I don't even know why you're still on the team. you have two jobs. TWO FUCKING JOBS. Play defense, and hit at least .700 OPS. What did you do? Your non attentive ass had 17 errors and hit for .573 OPS do you know what that makes you? That makes you Ken fucking Hamlin. No, not the football player.

Albert shhhhhhh skip is coming.



LaTony Oh hey it's the slap dick gang. Let me tell you. You guys are a bunch of fucking winners. I mean it takes a special group to beat the best teams in the NL and lose two out of three to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

THE FUCKING BUCCOS!

I am a god damn genius, i have fucking mountains of information that you couldn't even begin to comprehend, I know Zambrano's tendencies when he pitches at night, after two shits, 60 degrees on a fucking waning moon, I....

What, what the fuck are you looking at?



Colby meh

LaTony Ohhhhh whats the matter? Did mommy and daddy not love you enough as a child? Do you have awot of pwessuwe on you?

Colby well actually....

LaTony WELL FUCK YOUR PRESSURE. I'm here trying to win championships, I'm trying to prove that I'm not only the most intellectual man in baseball, but also human existence. I DRINK FINE WINE, I SAVE FUCKING PUPPIES!!! You all better do some soul searching this offseason because i dont know if I'll be back given that my shortstop has ADHD, my relievers have anger management problems, and our future center fielder hangs out with the Khalil crowd. Oh and fuck you skip, for being so god damn normal. I mean we lost to the Reds. The god damn Reds.

None of this is directed at you Albert.

Albert Noted mang

LaTony Fuck this Dave, let's go back to California.

Duncan Yep

Boog Hey man Cali sounds awesome let's road trip....

Albert Shut up, let's go Yadi, Diedra is making chicken and beans.

Yadi Ok mang.

Boog So Chris about that card....

What in the name of Stan Musial is going on here?

Cardinals season in a nutshell. Intense wanking followed by brief bouts of laughter

This, without a doubt, is the fucking wackiest Cards team I have ever had the pleasure to cheer for.

Sure we all know about the boog and his ADHD ways, and we know Tony likes to mindfuck the entire team every year, but now wainers and skip start pulling this?

Here's a fun little game. Name me one sane player on the Cardinals roster.

I'll wait.

That's right you can't. Shit we even have our robot first baseman attending Glen Beck rallies with our dark overlord of a manager.

You would think this is just confined to the dugout, and off the field, but no. This team is just as spastic with their game performances. For instance, we sweep the NL leading Reds to take over first place in the division only to go 5 out of 18 against some of the worst teams MLB has to offer.

It really does say something about your team when Yadier Molina is considered the sane one.