Sunday, March 28, 2010
[Jupiter Florida, Roger Dean Stadium]
La Russa:/Finishes reviewing David Freese's OPS against right handers at 5:37PM A SW wind of 7MPH and a rising Barometric Pressure
Ok guys I think we're ready to get the season started. Albert is looking good, we got Holliday locked up and all of our pitchers are doing whatever Dave tells them.
La Russa: Our only problem now is second base, Ryan is a defensive winner, but he can't hit for shit. Now don't get me wrong the things I love in this world are defensive short stops, Animals, and players who don't talk and lack any form of personality. That and a good 78 Merlot. But for god's sake Ryan needs to pick it up at the plate.
Jose Oquendo: /windmilling his right arm.
Das da thing mang, Ryan so good on defense, he like cat he jus see balls an pounces on dem. But at plate? He think he play video game.
La Russa: Shit, well the only other option is Julio Lugo and I think we can all agree that the less of Lugo we see the better, just something about that guy.
Duncan: It's because he slammed his wife's head into his truck.
La Russa: Yeah, that's it. Plus the less Brendan is on the bench the less time he has to annoy me. Mac how's he coming along?
Big Mac: (under his breath) Ah Fuck yes I'll be hitting the peak of my cycle opening day, I'm gonna look so jacked in my uniform.
What? Oh, Ryan. I don't know skip, every time I try to work with him he'll start imitating batting stances and then he'll start asking me to pitch him wiffle balls. At first I thought it might help him, then I realized he just wanted to play wiffle ball.
La Russa: Shit, well I talked to Albert yesterday he said he'd try to help him.
Brendan Ryan: OH SHIT HERE COMES A SCREAMER!!!
/Dives to his right, fires to first
FUCK YES SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR THE BOOG!!!
Hey Albert how about every time I fire one to first, you can yell out SAME DAY DELIVERY COURTESY OF THE BOOG!!! Then you can do some type of fist pump.
Pujols: No, Brendan I'm not doing that. Look everyone bring it in.
Brendan, we need you in the lineup this year mang, you make Skip a much better 2nd baseman and...
Ryan: Boog man call me Boog, hey we need a infield nickname something like The great wall of St. Louis or THE FUCKING FORCE FIELD!!!
Albert: No uhhhh Boog, like I was saying you also need to cover for Freese so he isn't handling too much in his first year in the majors, jus look at him mang.
/Freese drives golf cart into the left field pole.
Ryan: /bouncing up and down
Don't worry El Hombre the Boog has this shit locked down, how about this, whenever I turn two with skip I'll do my Robert Deniro impression. Actually ehhhh I'd need a mic for that. Wait. OHH SHIT. I'll scream THAT'S ANOTHER FLIP.....TO SKIP. And then you point your finger at me and say "Mang" Hey check out my Babe Ruth batting stance.
Pujols: Look mang, why don't you work with we me, I help Yadi turn into decent hitting catcher. Look I jus don want you on da bench and Tony put in Julio. Jus something about dat guy.
/Lugo walks off field.
//Punches female reporter.
Ryan: Hey big guy don't worry Short Stop is Boogville population ME. Ever since I started growing my stache and KRAZY KHALIL went AWOL I've been flippin to skip........
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY MANG AND POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME. Don't worry about it we'll work on it. Hey you know what let's play some wiffle ball that'll help me with my batting.
(Meanwhile Khalil, lurking in the trees, overhears the conversation, flips his emo bangs, and goes back to reading Twilight.)
Pujols: See mang das what I'm talking about, I'm about to force Yadi to watch five hours of film with me you should come along.
Ryan: Yeah I would Senor Swing, but I get distracted by the vending machines in the video room. Plus ever since I went off the meds when I was 12 I just start swinging at anything that comes my way.
/pulls on Yadi's oversized jersey.
Ryan: Hey wanna get drunk and go to Chuckie Cheese.
Yadier: No mang I gotta go with Albert.
Ryan: Hey you pissed at me? You always look pissed at me.
Yadier: No mang, das jus my normal face. Jus make sure you there when somebody steals.
Pujols: Look, Tony gon talk to you later today, remember he hates players talking or having any type of personality so jus be cool in dere. Remember L-U-G-O.
Les go Yadi.
/Yadi walks off behind Albert. See's a perfectly chalked baseline.
//Starts kicking baseline with his feet.
(Back in the Clubhouse)
LaRussa: Ryan I need to talk to you.
/pulls out giant binder of knowledge.
Brendan I'm just going to look over your splits here for a second....
Ryan: Hey do you think Franklin looks like James Hetfield?
LaRussa: Uhh I guess. Look Brendan....
LaRussa: Ok Boog, we really need you to step it up at the plate this year, you really need to focus.
Ryan: Yeah, the focus part aint happening. See skip, "I was looking for something incredibly profound Go out to Field 6 in the left-center gap and lift the stone. Dig a foot under the warning-track dirt and there you'll find a treasure box. Pull out the scroll and read it."
Well look, you need to take your job seriously. You see, I love stoic players. Consummate professionals. Take Albert for example he spends all his time focusing on winning and hitting. Look at Holliday over there. You know why I like Holliday. He sits there just counting his money not bothering anyone.
Holliday: Hey does anyone know how much a diamond encrusted shitter would set me back?
Ryan: Hey skip, wouldn't you say that comment came out of.......LEFT FIELD. BHAHAHAA hey skip whenever you call Skip into the office are you asking for Skip SCHUMAKER to come in or is that just a verbal reminder to yourself that you need to be in the office?
LaRussa:.....Yeah, well you see Brendan i like to run a tight ship. Every year I get together with Parcells, Bobby Knight, Belicheck and we have a giant circle jerk about having disciplined teams with zero personality. We get off on being hardasses. Now, you aren't at the hothead level of that douchebag Marquis, and you don't seem like a whiny bitch that my prized possession Rolen turned into. I just need you to be quiet and add a little on the scrapiness meter. So when you go out there I want you to keep your defensive talents, because to be honest that gives me a raging boner, but anytime you want to play wiffle ball, grow a porn stache, or play hacky sack with the baseball I want you to think "What would David Eckstein do?" Do you think you can handle that?
Ryan:/performs jumping jacks
Sure thing skip, and I mean you not the skip I flip to. Hey who do I talk to about putting boogville between second and third?
La Russa: Uhhhh i think you talk to Reyes about that. Just remember what I said, and if you can't handle it I'll have to put in Lugo and we all know what that means.
Ryan: Yep no more Erin Andrews assigned to our games, ok coach I'm gonna go practice some hitting.
La Russa: Good...
Ryan: On MLB the show. I have 99 everything, 500 homeruns after 4 years, and I'm a one man show in the field. I'll show you what Albert and I are working on for opening day.
La Russa: Can somebody get him some downer pills for our flights?
Big Mac: Already on it skip.