The 2010 Cardinals reflect on the Season

Cardinals Clubhouse



Albert: Ho K guys da season dint go as we ha planned so I tink we need to really reevaluate who we are as a team.

I like to start dis meeting out as a prayer.

Yadi grab my hand.

Yadi Whatever you say mang.

Albert Dear Lord Jesus we ask......

whispering

Hey Albert

Big guy

Hey Albert

El Hombre

Albert
Albert
Albert
A L B E R T PUJOLS

Albert WHAT MANG!!!



Boog HEY MAN WHAT'S UP!? Hey, will you sign my baseball card?

Albert Mang we are trying to have prayer.

Boog Yeah man, talkin to Jesus, love that guy. Anyway I was just thinking that you could sign this baseball card for me and then maybe this whole stack of memorabilia so I can hang it in my room. Along with my fathead posters.

Albert Mang jus stop talking, jus stop.

Ok does anybody have anything to say? Matt?

Holliday What uhhh hey do you guys know a good gold hot tub guy?

Albert mang, Franklin?


Franklin so tear me open but beware there's things inside without a care, but the hurt still stains me.....so hold me until I'm clean.

IT GRIPS YOU SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAD!
/turns off amp

oh what?

Albert Kyle?



McClellan FUCK I JUST HATE THIS SHIT, I JUST LOOK AT THE BATTER AND I GET SO....SO.....ANGRY!!!! FUCK WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE PLAYOFFS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

/bangs head against wall repeatedly.

Albert Adam?


Wainers Chillin Bro

Albert Chris?



Carpenter Well when you look back on it we really didn't play consistently and....

Boog Chris
hey Chris
Cy young,
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp

Chris WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU ADHD FUCKHEAD

/boog pulls out baseball card

No I won't sign your baseball card, in fact I don't even know why you're still on the team. you have two jobs. TWO FUCKING JOBS. Play defense, and hit at least .700 OPS. What did you do? Your non attentive ass had 17 errors and hit for .573 OPS do you know what that makes you? That makes you Ken fucking Hamlin. No, not the football player.

Albert shhhhhhh skip is coming.



LaTony Oh hey it's the slap dick gang. Let me tell you. You guys are a bunch of fucking winners. I mean it takes a special group to beat the best teams in the NL and lose two out of three to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

THE FUCKING BUCCOS!

I am a god damn genius, i have fucking mountains of information that you couldn't even begin to comprehend, I know Zambrano's tendencies when he pitches at night, after two shits, 60 degrees on a fucking waning moon, I....

What, what the fuck are you looking at?



Colby meh

LaTony Ohhhhh whats the matter? Did mommy and daddy not love you enough as a child? Do you have awot of pwessuwe on you?

Colby well actually....

LaTony WELL FUCK YOUR PRESSURE. I'm here trying to win championships, I'm trying to prove that I'm not only the most intellectual man in baseball, but also human existence. I DRINK FINE WINE, I SAVE FUCKING PUPPIES!!! You all better do some soul searching this offseason because i dont know if I'll be back given that my shortstop has ADHD, my relievers have anger management problems, and our future center fielder hangs out with the Khalil crowd. Oh and fuck you skip, for being so god damn normal. I mean we lost to the Reds. The god damn Reds.

None of this is directed at you Albert.

Albert Noted mang

LaTony Fuck this Dave, let's go back to California.

Duncan Yep

Boog Hey man Cali sounds awesome let's road trip....

Albert Shut up, let's go Yadi, Diedra is making chicken and beans.

Yadi Ok mang.

Boog So Chris about that card....

What in the name of Stan Musial is going on here?

Cardinals season in a nutshell. Intense wanking followed by brief bouts of laughter

This, without a doubt, is the fucking wackiest Cards team I have ever had the pleasure to cheer for.

Sure we all know about the boog and his ADHD ways, and we know Tony likes to mindfuck the entire team every year, but now wainers and skip start pulling this?

Here's a fun little game. Name me one sane player on the Cardinals roster.

I'll wait.

That's right you can't. Shit we even have our robot first baseman attending Glen Beck rallies with our dark overlord of a manager.

You would think this is just confined to the dugout, and off the field, but no. This team is just as spastic with their game performances. For instance, we sweep the NL leading Reds to take over first place in the division only to go 5 out of 18 against some of the worst teams MLB has to offer.

It really does say something about your team when Yadier Molina is considered the sane one.

A Brief Discussion on the Last Night's Cardinals/Reds Fracas

Alright, everyone. Chill out. Calm down. Calm DOWN, got it? Okay. We're good.

Whew.

Things escalated quickly there, huh? Got out of hand pretty fast, eh? That was something.

Let's look at the events as they happened, starting with Monday afternoon:

• Brandon Phillips, Reds All-Star 2B, says in so many words he hates the Cardinals and their bitching.


• The national media, likely lurking beind Phillips' locker, transcribed these statements, delivering them directly to the Cardinals.


• Phillips, aware of the tension, attempts to do his customary complimentary tap of the catcher and umpire's respective shin guards.


• Yadier Molina - WITHOUT THE AID OF A TRANSLATOR - tells Phillips "I'm not your bitch." He kicks his bat away and stands face to face with Phillips on home plate like some sort of mangodthing.


• Initial escalation. Words are exchanged hautily.


• Tony LaRussa blames Dusty Baker for the scruffle. Both are ejected.


• Secondary escalation: Momentum seems to push an agitated Chris Carpenter, Cardinals co-ace, Scott Rolen, a former Cardinal and nice guy, and Jason LaRue toward the back gate. Video shows the Reds' starting pitcher Johnny Cueto running around the scrum, then getting himself pinned BY HIS OWN PLAYERS, and starts kicking.


• It is determined that Cueto, as most baseballers do, was wearing metal cleats while kicking, inserting said cleats into LaRue's face. No cleats were inserted to Cueto's OWN TEAMMATES' respective faces.

That's about it. Cards won the game, and Yadier hit a homer. That was neat.

THE VERDICT:


Don't talk shit, and none of this happens. If you talk shit, don't be friendly. Don't be a flipflopping shit-talker: The shit ends up in your mouth, son. Lesson learned.


Don't kick people after running into the scrum and getting pinned BY YOUR OWN PLAYERS. That's super-unprofressional. I don't know where you learned how to fight. Also, if you're big enough to kick someone in the face with metal spikes, be big enough to try and speak to the press without looking so scared while being translated. Made your catcher look like your attorney. Have some pride, man.


DB, I'm all for you defending your boy. But look at the tape first. "They had him pinned up pretty good like a rat in a corner." So the other rats pinned up the one rat and that one rat got so mad scared he starting kicking with his metal spikes? BOOSHMAIN. PS - The manager and the pitcher of the other team punked you out there. That's where you are in baseball. You could have stayed with the Cubs and done that, silly!


He already said this very well.

El Hombre cares not for the Astros

It's bad enough that I have to watch Pujols rain fire on the Astros 20 times a summer. It's bad enough that the Astros have been utterly hopeless since winning the NLCS in 2005. It's bad enough that the Cardinals are perennial contenders and I have to hear about it from Lattimer and Stovall all summer long.

But when he goes and crushes their feelings like this.

/Takes pull of tequila.

It's gonna be a long summer.

[Props to White Yao for the image]

The Boog Gets Ready for Opening Day

[Jupiter Florida, Roger Dean Stadium]

(Coaches Office)

La Russa:/Finishes reviewing David Freese's OPS against right handers at 5:37PM A SW wind of 7MPH and a rising Barometric Pressure

Ok guys I think we're ready to get the season started. Albert is looking good, we got Holliday locked up and all of our pitchers are doing whatever Dave tells them.

Duncan: Yep.

La Russa: Our only problem now is second base, Ryan is a defensive winner, but he can't hit for shit. Now don't get me wrong the things I love in this world are defensive short stops, Animals, and players who don't talk and lack any form of personality. That and a good 78 Merlot. But for god's sake Ryan needs to pick it up at the plate.

Jose Oquendo: /windmilling his right arm.

Das da thing mang, Ryan so good on defense, he like cat he jus see balls an pounces on dem. But at plate? He think he play video game.

Duncan: Yep.

La Russa: Shit, well the only other option is Julio Lugo and I think we can all agree that the less of Lugo we see the better, just something about that guy.

Duncan: It's because he slammed his wife's head into his truck.

La Russa: Yeah, that's it. Plus the less Brendan is on the bench the less time he has to annoy me. Mac how's he coming along?

Big Mac: (under his breath) Ah Fuck yes I'll be hitting the peak of my cycle opening day, I'm gonna look so jacked in my uniform.

What? Oh, Ryan. I don't know skip, every time I try to work with him he'll start imitating batting stances and then he'll start asking me to pitch him wiffle balls. At first I thought it might help him, then I realized he just wanted to play wiffle ball.

La Russa: Shit, well I talked to Albert yesterday he said he'd try to help him.

(Infield drills)

Brendan Ryan: OH SHIT HERE COMES A SCREAMER!!!
/Dives to his right, fires to first

FUCK YES SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR THE BOOG!!!



Hey Albert how about every time I fire one to first, you can yell out SAME DAY DELIVERY COURTESY OF THE BOOG!!! Then you can do some type of fist pump.



Pujols: No, Brendan I'm not doing that. Look everyone bring it in.
Brendan, we need you in the lineup this year mang, you make Skip a much better 2nd baseman and...

Ryan: Boog man call me Boog, hey we need a infield nickname something like The great wall of St. Louis or THE FUCKING FORCE FIELD!!!

Albert: No uhhhh Boog, like I was saying you also need to cover for Freese so he isn't handling too much in his first year in the majors, jus look at him mang.

/Freese drives golf cart into the left field pole.

Ryan: /bouncing up and down
Don't worry El Hombre the Boog has this shit locked down, how about this, whenever I turn two with skip I'll do my Robert Deniro impression. Actually ehhhh I'd need a mic for that. Wait. OHH SHIT. I'll scream THAT'S ANOTHER FLIP.....TO SKIP. And then you point your finger at me and say "Mang" Hey check out my Babe Ruth batting stance.

Pujols: Look mang, why don't you work with we me, I help Yadi turn into decent hitting catcher. Look I jus don want you on da bench and Tony put in Julio. Jus something about dat guy.

/Lugo walks off field.
//Punches female reporter.

Ryan: Hey big guy don't worry Short Stop is Boogville population ME. Ever since I started growing my stache and KRAZY KHALIL went AWOL I've been flippin to skip........

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY MANG AND POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME. Don't worry about it we'll work on it. Hey you know what let's play some wiffle ball that'll help me with my batting.

(Meanwhile Khalil, lurking in the trees, overhears the conversation, flips his emo bangs, and goes back to reading Twilight.)

Pujols: See mang das what I'm talking about, I'm about to force Yadi to watch five hours of film with me you should come along.

Ryan: Yeah I would Senor Swing, but I get distracted by the vending machines in the video room. Plus ever since I went off the meds when I was 12 I just start swinging at anything that comes my way.
Hey Yadi
Yadi
Yadi
Yadi
Yadi
Hey Yadi
Molina
Yadier Molina
/pulls on Yadi's oversized jersey.
Yad
Yad
Y-A-D-I



Yadier: WHAT!!!

Ryan: Hey wanna get drunk and go to Chuckie Cheese.

Yadier: No mang I gotta go with Albert.

Ryan: Hey you pissed at me? You always look pissed at me.

Yadier: No mang, das jus my normal face. Jus make sure you there when somebody steals.

Pujols: Look, Tony gon talk to you later today, remember he hates players talking or having any type of personality so jus be cool in dere. Remember L-U-G-O.

Les go Yadi.

/Yadi walks off behind Albert. See's a perfectly chalked baseline.
//Starts kicking baseline with his feet.

(Back in the Clubhouse)

LaRussa: Ryan I need to talk to you.
/pulls out giant binder of knowledge.

Brendan I'm just going to look over your splits here for a second....

Ryan: Skip
Hey skip
skip
skip
skipper

LaRussa: WHAT

Ryan: Hey do you think Franklin looks like James Hetfield?

LaRussa: Uhh I guess. Look Brendan....

Ryan: Boog.

LaRussa: Ok Boog, we really need you to step it up at the plate this year, you really need to focus.

Ryan: Yeah, the focus part aint happening. See skip, "I was looking for something incredibly profound Go out to Field 6 in the left-center gap and lift the stone. Dig a foot under the warning-track dirt and there you'll find a treasure box. Pull out the scroll and read it."

LaRussa:/Blank stare

Well look, you need to take your job seriously. You see, I love stoic players. Consummate professionals. Take Albert for example he spends all his time focusing on winning and hitting. Look at Holliday over there. You know why I like Holliday. He sits there just counting his money not bothering anyone.



Holliday: Hey does anyone know how much a diamond encrusted shitter would set me back?

Ryan: Hey skip, wouldn't you say that comment came out of.......LEFT FIELD. BHAHAHAA hey skip whenever you call Skip into the office are you asking for Skip SCHUMAKER to come in or is that just a verbal reminder to yourself that you need to be in the office?

LaRussa:.....Yeah, well you see Brendan i like to run a tight ship. Every year I get together with Parcells, Bobby Knight, Belicheck and we have a giant circle jerk about having disciplined teams with zero personality. We get off on being hardasses. Now, you aren't at the hothead level of that douchebag Marquis, and you don't seem like a whiny bitch that my prized possession Rolen turned into. I just need you to be quiet and add a little on the scrapiness meter. So when you go out there I want you to keep your defensive talents, because to be honest that gives me a raging boner, but anytime you want to play wiffle ball, grow a porn stache, or play hacky sack with the baseball I want you to think "What would David Eckstein do?" Do you think you can handle that?

Ryan:/performs jumping jacks
Sure thing skip, and I mean you not the skip I flip to. Hey who do I talk to about putting boogville between second and third?

La Russa: Uhhhh i think you talk to Reyes about that. Just remember what I said, and if you can't handle it I'll have to put in Lugo and we all know what that means.

Ryan: Yep no more Erin Andrews assigned to our games, ok coach I'm gonna go practice some hitting.

La Russa: Good...

Ryan: On MLB the show. I have 99 everything, 500 homeruns after 4 years, and I'm a one man show in the field. I'll show you what Albert and I are working on for opening day.

La Russa: Can somebody get him some downer pills for our flights?

Big Mac: Already on it skip.