It's Opening Day!!!

Via @MattSebek

Albert and Yadi are excited!!!

I don't know why MLB doesn't do this on a Saturday and make a huge deal about it, but hey we'll take it.

Atl@ WAS 1:05
Det @ NYY 1:05
Mil @ Cin 2:10
LAA @ KC 4:10
SD @ STL 4:15
SF @ LAD 8:00

Verlander and C.C along with the prime time slot of Lincecum and Kershaw should be fun.

Thoughts and observations in the comments.

The 2010 Cardinals reflect on the Season

Cardinals Clubhouse



Albert: Ho K guys da season dint go as we ha planned so I tink we need to really reevaluate who we are as a team.

I like to start dis meeting out as a prayer.

Yadi grab my hand.

Yadi Whatever you say mang.

Albert Dear Lord Jesus we ask......

whispering

Hey Albert

Big guy

Hey Albert

El Hombre

Albert
Albert
Albert
A L B E R T PUJOLS

Albert WHAT MANG!!!



Boog HEY MAN WHAT'S UP!? Hey, will you sign my baseball card?

Albert Mang we are trying to have prayer.

Boog Yeah man, talkin to Jesus, love that guy. Anyway I was just thinking that you could sign this baseball card for me and then maybe this whole stack of memorabilia so I can hang it in my room. Along with my fathead posters.

Albert Mang jus stop talking, jus stop.

Ok does anybody have anything to say? Matt?

Holliday What uhhh hey do you guys know a good gold hot tub guy?

Albert mang, Franklin?


Franklin so tear me open but beware there's things inside without a care, but the hurt still stains me.....so hold me until I'm clean.

IT GRIPS YOU SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAD!
/turns off amp

oh what?

Albert Kyle?



McClellan FUCK I JUST HATE THIS SHIT, I JUST LOOK AT THE BATTER AND I GET SO....SO.....ANGRY!!!! FUCK WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE PLAYOFFS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

/bangs head against wall repeatedly.

Albert Adam?


Wainers Chillin Bro

Albert Chris?



Carpenter Well when you look back on it we really didn't play consistently and....

Boog Chris
hey Chris
Cy young,
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp
Carp

Chris WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU ADHD FUCKHEAD

/boog pulls out baseball card

No I won't sign your baseball card, in fact I don't even know why you're still on the team. you have two jobs. TWO FUCKING JOBS. Play defense, and hit at least .700 OPS. What did you do? Your non attentive ass had 17 errors and hit for .573 OPS do you know what that makes you? That makes you Ken fucking Hamlin. No, not the football player.

Albert shhhhhhh skip is coming.



LaTony Oh hey it's the slap dick gang. Let me tell you. You guys are a bunch of fucking winners. I mean it takes a special group to beat the best teams in the NL and lose two out of three to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

THE FUCKING BUCCOS!

I am a god damn genius, i have fucking mountains of information that you couldn't even begin to comprehend, I know Zambrano's tendencies when he pitches at night, after two shits, 60 degrees on a fucking waning moon, I....

What, what the fuck are you looking at?



Colby meh

LaTony Ohhhhh whats the matter? Did mommy and daddy not love you enough as a child? Do you have awot of pwessuwe on you?

Colby well actually....

LaTony WELL FUCK YOUR PRESSURE. I'm here trying to win championships, I'm trying to prove that I'm not only the most intellectual man in baseball, but also human existence. I DRINK FINE WINE, I SAVE FUCKING PUPPIES!!! You all better do some soul searching this offseason because i dont know if I'll be back given that my shortstop has ADHD, my relievers have anger management problems, and our future center fielder hangs out with the Khalil crowd. Oh and fuck you skip, for being so god damn normal. I mean we lost to the Reds. The god damn Reds.

None of this is directed at you Albert.

Albert Noted mang

LaTony Fuck this Dave, let's go back to California.

Duncan Yep

Boog Hey man Cali sounds awesome let's road trip....

Albert Shut up, let's go Yadi, Diedra is making chicken and beans.

Yadi Ok mang.

Boog So Chris about that card....

What in the name of Stan Musial is going on here?

Cardinals season in a nutshell. Intense wanking followed by brief bouts of laughter

This, without a doubt, is the fucking wackiest Cards team I have ever had the pleasure to cheer for.

Sure we all know about the boog and his ADHD ways, and we know Tony likes to mindfuck the entire team every year, but now wainers and skip start pulling this?

Here's a fun little game. Name me one sane player on the Cardinals roster.

I'll wait.

That's right you can't. Shit we even have our robot first baseman attending Glen Beck rallies with our dark overlord of a manager.

You would think this is just confined to the dugout, and off the field, but no. This team is just as spastic with their game performances. For instance, we sweep the NL leading Reds to take over first place in the division only to go 5 out of 18 against some of the worst teams MLB has to offer.

It really does say something about your team when Yadier Molina is considered the sane one.

El Hombre cares not for the Astros

It's bad enough that I have to watch Pujols rain fire on the Astros 20 times a summer. It's bad enough that the Astros have been utterly hopeless since winning the NLCS in 2005. It's bad enough that the Cardinals are perennial contenders and I have to hear about it from Lattimer and Stovall all summer long.

But when he goes and crushes their feelings like this.

/Takes pull of tequila.

It's gonna be a long summer.

[Props to White Yao for the image]

Monday Evening S--t Storm!!!

Sorry gang. Ole Lattimer has been in busy work hell with no fire extinguisher in sight.

Baseball is coming up and to be honest we don't talk about baseball enough here.

My idea is this. Icehouse has some really good OMG FUNK posts.

Personally I love them because you see some awesome funkage combined with Icehouse's unique commentary.

I would like to do the same thing with baseball highlighting the best and worst of moonshots.

Problem is, I need help on the name. I'm thinking "Tater Time" or something very simple like "Donk." I'm also still working on involving steroids or anadrol into the title.

So that's the first thing help me with a title. If it's good I'll use it, if it's not we'll make fun of you.

The usual around here.

Second. For the first "_______________" post I'd like to have a collection of the greatest bombs of all time.

I'll give you my homeristic version.
(No Deafmute and Zack, this is not a post asking for your favorite homeristic Home Run this is asking for the greatest Home Runs of ALL-TIME)


Now, in the grand scheme of things was this an important homer? Not really, the Cards lost the series but it did ruin one mans life. Brad Lidge. What makes this homer even sweeter is the fact that I was surrounded by Astros fan at the time with one other Cards guy. The whole time we had to hear about "When it gets to Lidge it's LIGHTS OUT. It's over. The two lone redbirds in that room calmly asked, well what do you think if El Hombre comes to the plate?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!!

YOU DON'T HIT GIRLS, YOU DEFEND THE DEFENSELESS, AND YOU DON'T FUCK WITH EL HOMBRE!!!

The best part is that Light's out Lidge was no more, sure he still has a job, but he is mentally destroyed for life.

So for the Shit Storm.
1. Name.
2. Favorite Donk of all time.
(Video would be good but it seems that this will be a hard post because MLB is a copyright bitch. For fucks sake youtube videos EXPAND YOUR SPORT)

Get going Hobbers.

All-Star Break

Well it's that time of year in the MLB season. Yes the time where some veterans show up and go through the motions, and others soak in every second because it may be the only time they will be introduced as an All Star. Personally I think the MLB version is the best out of them all. It's probably a combination of the fact that it's in the middle of the season, you have a home run derby, and July may be the slowest month in American sports.

Last night was the home run derby, which is still one of my favorite novelties and pro sports. It was also special to me because it was in the STL and it's always fun to watch taters in a stadium you've sat in. Prince Fielder ended up winning in the end, showing surprisingly great stamina for a guy who is a vegetarian. Fielder didn't put up an insane number like Hamilton or Abreu, but his total of 23 will go overlooked.

Chris Berman has pushed me to the breaking point. When I was younger he was only slightly annoying with his back back back schtick, and his name/nickname/name deal was never funny and it never will be. Later he was just too over the top. "That ball is on it's way to Latrobe!!!" Way to look at google maps jackass. But last night it was all about Boomer. I don't know what happened, at least when he was over the top the coverage actually focused on the derby. Last night it was just sick. Nelson Cruz hit some effing shots in the first round. One of which landed above Big Mac land, and personally it was the longest I've seen in that stadium. But while Cruz is on a tear, Berman is just bumbling on. It was the first time I actually muted an event and put on my headphones.

As a Cardinals fan El Hombre is awesome even when he loses. In fact he was perfect. He didn't hurt himself, or change his swing and he lasted long enough to keep the fans happy. Well done Albert.

Before I get on the rambling I'll talk very briefly about the actual game tonight. I still don't understand why MLB needs to "make these count." I could go on about how stupid it is to let an all star game decide home field advantage, but Hobbers are smarter than that. I actually think since the game matters it takes away from the entertainment. Imagine this. First inning, and Ichiro gets on base. Yadi, the best defensive catcher in the league is behind the plate. Jeter is up to bat with no outs. Normally you don't steal in this situation, but Ichiro decides he's going to go for it. Badass. Yes? it would only be better if Crawford led off, but you get my point. I think watching Lincecum pitch to Mauer in the first is good enough for me. I really don't need things to "matter."

Now on to a typical Lattimer rant. Icehouse made an interesting observation last night. We have a home run derby in STL and we only get two mentions of McGwire. Naturally this has to do with steroids, and more recently the righteous indignation of certain ass hats that think they are the moral compass for all fans. Hey Plaschke I think more people can't stand you over Manny because you are trying to tell them how the hell they should act. People don't want to hear it, but steroids saved baseball. Oh yes I cheered during the race of 98 and guys like Plaschke soaked it all in. And you know what? I loved it. I loved Mark and Sammy, and I still do because as a fan that summer may be one of the best. I still remember everyone having a 62 markdown calender in their house and calling to notify that Sammy was coming up to bat. Sure we want everyone to be the best. We cheer them when knock balls out of the park, and we curse TV's when they hit into a double play. So what now when they take something to hit it out of the park? Boo? What about all the "greats" who popped greenies all these years. Should I start hating every player from the 1950's on? And better yet, who exactly did these drugs hurt? As opposed to Stallworth's car?

I'll ask some questions. Who has ever used something to enhance their performance? Who has used some ADD drug to nail that research paper? Who intentionally held in football? Fake a foul in basketball? Would you take a drug to make you one of the best in your industry, especially if it meant millions of dollars? And just for you Plaschke. Tweek that quote just a bit to make that Sunday column really hit home?

I don't know the answers, and I really don't care. Not my business. All I'm saying is that in American sports we ask literally everyone who participates to be the best they can be. To win. Yet we're supposed to hate them when they don't do it the right way?

Trust me, I see all sides of this. I get the "play by the rules", I get the "what about the kids" and I really get the "what about the guy who played by the rules." However, I don't get some guy telling me, the fan, the guy who shells out hundreds of dollars each year to watch/support my team, telling me how to act. Guess what. When Mike Vick comes back I'm going to cheer my ass off, I like Mike, and that's my right. MLB, get over yourself, celebrate the past right or wrong.

Baseball Top 10

Well It's June and we have yet to have a post about the Baseball season other than gambling and El Hombre shattering signs and shit. So here are your top 10 performers to date.

1. Zack Greinke: I remember seeing this guy several years ago and hearing the announcers talk about how he had great stuff, specifically his hammer of a curveball. He was supposed to be the future for the Royals. He lasted three innings that day. Well the future is now. Turns out Greinke suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder, and those issues seemed to be fixed because he is putting up insane numbers. All ten of Greinke's starts have been quality starts (82 innings) and boasts a record of 8-1. What's more impressive is Greinke's 1.10 ERA, K/9 of 9.66, and a somewhat insane .90 WHIP. Oh and did I mention that he has yet to allow a homerun.

2. Albert Pujols: We've come to take El Hombre for granted. .339/.468/.678 with a 1.146 OPS, yep that's pretty impressive, but it's also SOP for El Hombre. Did I also mention he has 16 taters, 43 RBI's, 44 BB and 7 stolen bases. Ohhhhh and he only has 18 K's. I'll let that sink in.........Yes you are correct, he only has two more K's than HR's. And if I really wanted to rub it in I could mention that he has been missing Ludwick in the lineup for the past couple weeks. While the rest of the Cards offense fell on their face, Pujols keeps on plugging away. NL MVP.

3. Raul Ibanez: Kind of a surprise here considering Ibanez has never slugged over .600 and posted a career high of 33 homers in 2006. This year he's hitting at a clip of .333/.394/.682 with 17 HR's and an OPS of 1.076. He's not drawing a ton of walks then again he never does, and sees some nice pitches behind Rollins, Utley, Howard and Co. History tells us that he will cool off as the year goes on, but in that lineup he may put together an impressive year and allow Philly Phans to Pheel great about the off season pickup.

4. Evan Longoria: The young 3rd baseman is showing that he doesn't give two shits about sophomore slumps. Batting .327/.396/.623 with an OPS of 1.020, Longoria also has 13 HR's and 55 RBI's. The one thing you don't like to see is the 50K's, but in all it looks like he's going to put together a solid year.

5. Carl Crawford: So lets see .324/.383/.446 OPS .829, only 3 Hr's.......hmmmm.....HOLY SHIT 30 STEALS!!! Honestly that is insane. 30 steals with an OBP of .383. Flat out impressive.

6A. Justin Morneau: The big Canuck is batting .342/.419/.643 which brings his OPS to 1.062. He also has 14 Homers and 47 RBI's. The big thing about Morneau is he is on pace to top his best HR total (When he just went out of this world in the second half of 2006) and he has also never gone over .400 in OBP or slugged over .600. If he stays consistent he'll put together his first non-streaky year.

6B Adrian Gonzalez: Adrian gets the nod here because he leads the majors with 21 HR's (Even though he plays half of his games in Petco where long balls go to die) and he is getting on base at .401, which you always like to see from a power hitter.

7. Jason Bay: I was debating between Bay and Youkilis in this spot, but since Youk got hurt I'll give the nod to the Canadian. With the the gravity defying fall of Ortiz and the short absence of Youk, Bay has had to pick up the slack, and he has performed well. Bay's AVG is lower than most at .288, but he is getting on base at a .419 clip and is slugging .627. Bay also has 15 HR's and 49 RBI's. His stats aren't out of this world, but I'll give him the nod for the lackluster Boston lineup.

8. Adam Jones: No not pacman. A relative unknown, Jones is putting up some pretty sick numbers thus far .344/.400/.608 with an OPS of 1.008 with 11 HR's and 36 RBI's. A nice little year so far. One problem. In four years he has not finished the season above a .270 AVG or slugged over .400. And the big one. His highest OBP is .311. Now to be fair, last year was his first as a full time player, and maybe he is seeing the ball better, it wouldn't be the first time someone came out of nowhere in their 4th year, but I'll remain skeptical.

9. Ichiro: Ichiro is like the mini Pujols. We've grown accustomed to his stellar offensive performances over the years. The normally healthy Ichiro missed the first two weeks of the season, which is why the production isn't there, but he does have 69 hits in 44 games, a .352 AVG and also has a surprising 5 homers thus far. Oh and he also has a 24 game hit streak.

10. Johan Santana: Johan continues to produce with a 7-2 record and a 1.77 ERA. He hasn't been going deep into games, but he's also holding opponents to a .208 AVG and has a WHIP of 1.09. Not too much more, Johan is doing what everyone expected him to do.

I'd also look for Mark Teixeira to be on this list by the second half of the season. Tex is a notoriously slow starter, and the fact that he is hitting .282/.383/.601 with 16 HR's and 44 RBI's is pretty encouraging. It also doesn't hurt that he plays in a little league field.

Other players worthy of note: Jonathan Broxton, Ian Kinsler, Chase Utley, Roy Halladay Miguel Cabrera, and Justin Verlander who has been pitching well as of late.

Albert Pujols cares not for your stadium promotions

Typically I try to keep the Cards posts to a minimum simply because the homerism would be unbearable, but this is just too cool not to talk about.

Background info:
During Mark McGwire's steroid fueled long ball run, the brass in The Lou decided it would be cool to create "Big Mac's land." (Section in left field upper deck) A cool concept, essentially if anyone on the Cardinals hit a homerun into "Big Mac Land" everyone with a ticket stub for the game could get a free Big Mac from McDonalds, good for one week. It was meant to be a way to promote McGwire's thunderous shots into left, because he was the only one who could do it. (Fans also designated "Little Mac Land" in short left, for Joe McEwing, which was about as stupid and pointless as Mcewing was to the Cards)


Fast forward to the present day, the Cards still have "Big Mac Land" and you can still get a free Big Mac. That is, until Albert Pujols had something to say on the matter. I don't know what was running through his mind. Perhaps it was "Mang, dis promotion is contributing to de increased obesity in our country." Or maybe, "In my country people are starving, and dees people are getting free food every time I do something good, we should donate food every time we hit baseball into upper deck." Another idea is, "Who is dis Big Mac, that should say El Hombre Land." He may have viewed the sign as a threat. Then again he was probably just sitting on a changeup. I don't know what he was thinking (Only Yadi will know), and frankly I don't care because Albert can do whatever the hell he wants.

Either way, Albert didn't like that sign.

VIDEO
(watch it, 30 seconds of awesome)
Once again an awesome moment is ruined by Al Hrabosky.
(People ask me why I can't stand The Mad Hungarian. 13 years old I was at an anti-drug leadership thing, it was awesome, we got out of school and learned not to do meth. Anyway Hrabosky was the keynote speaker. There were about 60 kids there so me and my buddy snuck in baseballs to get an autograph. We go up to Al and say, "Mr Hrabosky, can we get your autograph?" His reply, "No, sorry if I sign one for you guys I'll have to sign one for everyone." Gee thanks Al I'll really take to heart that talk about not sticking needles in my arm.....Jackass.)

Whatever I'm over it, and this is really about Albert and how awesome he is. Don't push it away, accept it, and love him.