Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mon Dieu! We lost!

Tony Parker: Mon Dieu! We lost!

How like life. We lose. My solipsism tells me basketball season is over, but the game actually goes on. Very existential. I also lose to a German. History must repeat itself, it seems. I guess I will go contemplate this quandry somewhere were I can do some philosophical thinking.

Ah fuck it. Long summer! I will enjoy it with my millions of dollars and starlet wife. I sure hope she doesn't make me go to Corpus Christi, though. They always pants me there.


Sammy Sosa Does Something Funnier Than Zack Stovall Can Put Into Words Without Meaning To

CHICAGO — Sammy Sosa, of Dominican, Cubs and MLB lore, did something accidental this afternoon at lunch that was so hilarious and so wondrous, witnesses claim that it cannot be elaborated upon within the confines of human language.

"I mean, he was just standing there and then all of a sudden..." stammered witness Patty Andrews. "I was crying I was laughing so hard. We all were."

"Man, that guy didn't even mean to."

Other witnesses claim there may have a been a loud crashing sound or some sort of Disney-esque high crescendo squeak mere seconds before the hysterical calamity brought the house down.

"Did you SEE that?!" bellowed Steve Welch, 47, a Chicago welder. "That guy SUCKS," confirmed Welch, as he snorted his third chili dog of the day.

Sosa could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy mopping up the drool from his latest episode of blank staring.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bills' WR Terrell Owens Warned by Buffalo PD that 'Highfalutin' City Boy Antics' Won't Fly

BUFFALO — In a pre-preemptive attempt to curb Buffalo, New York's newest neighbor, Police Chief Ralph Alsobrook says he's going to "nip this TO problem in the bud."

"These highfalutin' city boy antics of his won't fly here in Buffalo," said Alsobrook, from the steps of the City Hall/Denny's parking lot, adjacent to the Shell station, and caddy-corner to Old Man Johnson's pumpkin farm. "If he wants to act like some dummy, and disrupt my peace, he's gonna hafta find somewhere else to do it."

The trade of the once-coveted receiver from Dallas to Buffalo sent shockwaves through the small town of Buffalo, spreading from the epicenter of Edwards-Caldwell Drug Store, which houses the town radio, outward into the far reaches of the community.

A similar statement was released two years ago when Cal RB Marshawn Lynch was drafted by the Bills, but tempers were quelled when Lynch's request to join the Buffalo NRA was approved.

Caption Contest!

The 'costume de rigeur' at Auburn-area high school proms.


"Gene said that a loose and fun atmosphere is exactly how he led Iowa State to so much success."


"Wait, I don't get it. Why does it take seven Auburn coaches to screw in a light bulb?"

Pretty weak, I know. Please do better than these captions, internets.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Source Tells ESPN's Chris Mortensen Majority of Titans Are 'Bunch of Dumb Stupid Fartface Bullies'

NASHVILLE — An unnamed source close to the Tennessee Titans organization told ESPN's Chris Mortensen that several members of the team are "a bunch of dumb, stupid fartface bullies."

Mortensen broke the news shortly after returning to his home studio in Fayetteville, Arkansas, after a phone call with the source.

"Apparently, the team requires some rookie members to pick up garbage around the stadium, haul starters' luggage, and do wall-sits for an extended period of time," said the ESPN analyst.

"They also have to do bows-and-toes on the team bleachers."

The source also said that during throwing drills, other teammates exclaim "WEEEE!!!" after every pass certain quarterbacks make, and that several of the players act like "total jerks."

Monday, April 27, 2009

QB Chase Daniel Miffed At Lack of Mention in Campbell/Sanchez Redskin QB Debacle

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Washington Redskins quarterback Chase Daniel, of the Fabled and Mighty Mizzou Powerhouse Football program, says he's not getting his fair shake by the Redskins organization as there has been nary a mention of his coming into the organization and gunning for Jason Campbell's top spot.

One of the subplots of the 2009 Draft was the possibility of Campbell being traded for USC heartthrob Mark "Dirty" Sanchez, leading to polite discomfort between the franchise (?) quarterback and the Redskins' front office.

"I mean, I'm here to win!" bellowed Daniel, at a press conference held at the local Western Sizzlin' in Columbia. "I'm tall enough, I'm- More hushpuppies, please?- I've got a great arm, and I- Gravy. Gravy, yes- I hold records at Muh-freakin-zoo."

"I'm the total package," said Daniel, immediately prior to noticeable discomfort due to one or several chicken bones lodged in Daniel's jowls.

Campbell spoke candidly about the incident.

"It definitely was a shock," Campbell said, "when I started hearing Sanchez talk."

"It's an awkward situation," Campbell answered, "just because after the Cutler deal, we did sit down and talk -- and then the Sanchez talk came up."

When reminded that the topic was to be focused on the arrival of actual competition in the form of Chase Daniel, Campbell began laughing hysterically, ending the interview, but not before conceding he "couldn't remember what that midget looks like."

Fellow 'Skins QBs Colt Brennan and Todd Collins could not be interviewed as they were busy popping towels and chasing each other in the locker room.

Vikings Brass Freaking Out That Best QB on Their Roster is Named 'Sage Rosenfels'

MINNEAPOLIS — In what most in the Vikings front office thought was an "obvious joke," the 2009 NFL Draft has come and gone with no quarterbacks taken in any rounds by Minnesota.

"I mean, we really pooped the bed on this one," said one officer in the Vikings camp. "I'd dust off my resume, but I'm fairly certain we're all done for."

"I mean, Coach Childress slouched in and put the names on the bulletin board," said star running back Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. "I felt like someone kicked me in the back of the inside of my stomach with a knifeboot."

"How am I supposed to possibly survive?," rightfully whimpered the doomed Sooner.

Even the QBs in the organization were bewildered that they would have to go through a belittling and career-ending starting carousel throughout the season, without the benefit of having a youngblood, hot-shot talent taking their jobs.

"I mean, I was looking forward to riding the pine and at least maintaining a shred of credibility that I might be able to play," said former USC starter John David Booty. "Now? I'm definitely about to lose money getting thrown to the wolves about game eight."

"Good-bye retirement. Hello insurance agency applicaiton."

Coach Brad Childress was available and willing for comment, but reporters were unable to discern his drunken and unintelligble babble from anything resembling a human thought.

Unemployed DE Jason Taylor Still Thrilled to Not Be a Dolphin

PITTSBURGH — Former Dolphin Marquee DE Jason Taylor says that despite being currently unemployed, he is still "thrilled" to not have to play for the Miami Fins anymore.

"I mean, that organization is just the worst," said Taylor. "I'd rather be in Detroit. At least there my money is worth eight times as much as it is everywhere else.

"Plus the airborne STD's that float around South Florida suck, too."

Former Dolphin and current Kansas City Chief Zach Thomas concurred, saying that he prefers being on his current team, despite its weaker roster, tougher schedule, and complete dearth of management capabilities.

"In football terms, I'm in one of the worst possible places I could ever be," said Thomas. "And I couldn't be happier."

Cornerstone QB Dan Marino could not be reached for comment, as he was being given an atomic wedgie by former Denver great John Elway and current Phin LB Joey Porter.

Kentucky is a barren land, where Mel Kiper can find no purchase.

We don't want you, and we don't need you. Icehouse and Lattimer can suck these nuts.

Monday Morning S--t Storm.

Awesome weekend, yet again.

As a result of this awesomeness, GRH is going old school on the shit storm.

That's right, OPEN THREAD.

Remember that first shit storm about the Olympics? Yeah, I was as smooth as a a 17 year old on prom night.

So here's the thing, I'll give you some writing prompts and you can roll with it in the comments.

Best Draft?

Worst Draft?

Best Pick?

Wost Pick?

Michael Oher walking across that stage considering where he was 5-10 years ago.

Albert Pujols, Superman or Thor?

Celtics, Bulls, great series?

What will Icehouse do IF the San Antonio Spurs lose to the hated Dallas Mavericks?

Hate Yankees/Red Sox or Hate ESPN?

Sorry, but I have to disagree.

Do you want to:
1. Punch
2. Kick
3. Verbally beat down

Every older person who opens their mouth about Jeremy Tyler.

Did you watch the entire draft? (you bet your ass I did)

Alright Hobbers, you have an open forum, just make sure you don't go all Fox news on us.

Shit Storm begin.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yeah. It's time to do it dirty. Muhfuck it all.

So yeah. Draft this weekend. The NBA playoff train keeps rolling. There's the ever-present shitload of baseball available. Good stuff all around.

So first and foremost, spring and summer is prime grilling time.

New rule: The Suns are never allowed to make the playoffs ever again. Sorry, but their time is just more useful to all of us doing other stuff. Everything's great in the video, but listen to how they describe Robin Lopez.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the Eighth Dimension. Yep.

Few teams have as much fun as the Cavs have. Seriously. Well, maybe the Suns. But the Cavs have fun playing basketball, so it's different.

And finally, a CollegeHumor original, perfect for bloggers, and set to a rocking tune.

Thanks everybody for your love and support. Now let's go to rumland.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

McWuncler's All Americans: April 2009

Fuck you, college.

So I was hard at work formulating my latest prognostication, which was that one day, some enterprising young fellow would would realize that Europe has no age restrictions, will pay, that pro hoops is pro hoops, and decide to go play professionally without even finishing high school.

But then this fucker went ahead and did it.

I'm totally for it. It's economics. The NCAA had a stranglehold on basketball prospects until Kevin Garnett decided that was horseshit and made the jump. This grew and grew until the NCAA cried hard enough for David Stern to enact the minimum age requirement in 2006. The NCAA hides behind the shroud of caring about kids, but this is nonsense. Have you any idea how much more money the NCAA would have made had LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard et al decided to go to college? Boatloads. That's what they're upset about.

You care about kids? Why not honor scholarships no matter what? What about all that talk about "most of us are going pro in something other than blah blah blah? Where's Leon Smith these days? Huh? You two-faced sacks of shit.

What the NCAA should understand is that they're not an enormous money-making entity. They're supposed to be about higher learning. They lost sight of that. They want to be as relevant as the NBA, and that's just not logical. They have the best postseason of any sports organization, amateur or otherwise. That shit is exciting, and the whole world watches it. They should be content with what they are, instead of bending the rules to suit themselves. They should also ask themselves what having a host of one-and-done players running roughshod over competition actually gets them in the end. Well, it gets them cash, so they could probably give a fuck.

I'm proud of Jeremy Tyler. He's going to blossom as a player, and as a person. Seriously, what do athletes actually get out of college?

Don't try to tell me that he's going to miss out on his education. Players have much better track records when they go back for their degrees (see: Vince Carter, Shaquille O'Neal, Stanley Roberts. Actually, research Stanley Roberts before telling me I'm wrong). People like Jeremy don't want a higher education, and don't need one. It's unfair to force them into a farce of one. Don't tell me that all players get something out of more school, because they don't. I've seen what kind of "education" D1 athletes get.

Finally, it's about time that we let players play, regardless of age or sport. Where was the uproar when Freddy Adu went pro at 14? What about Andre Agassi? Michael Phelps? Basketball is an urban sport, populated mostly by poorer African Americans. The very people whose families would benefit the most from a pro athlete's salary are told they need to wait 5 more years than suburban kids who play wiener sports like tennis and swimming.

Jeremy is going to be able to earn money for his family, instead of earning money for Rick Pitino. It's only fair, and I hope more kids do it in the future. Thank you Jeremy Tyler, I just wish you would have let me document my prediction, instead of writing something all after the fact.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Caption Contest!

Pete: "Hey, are you on twitter?!"
Vicente: ""


Pete: "Say, what are you doing this Saturday? I'm having a little get-together down at the yacht club. I'm christening my new sloop. How'd you like to mow my lawn?"


Vicente: "This place, is not as sexy."

It's former Mexican President Vicente Fox with USC Head Coach Pete Carroll. I know you can do better than these, I'm just still grieving over Mutombo.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Another great weekend.

The weather finally broke, I went fishing (killed it) NBA playoffs, NHL, baseball.

Just awesome.


I was informed that I have shit to do. Which sucks.

This bullshit has been happening since I was a kid. I mean weekends are meant for sports, and movies. Not work.

For the shit storm select your LEAST favorite activity to do WHILE sports are on. Meaning, you can't watch sports because you have some weak ass chore to do. So if you give us something like homework, I'll tell you to screw yourself because you most certainly can do your homework while watching sports. How do you think I got my awesome grammar skills?

My selection. Yard Work.

Gahhhhhh sometimes I truly wish we all lived like George Jetson. There isn't one yard/property chore I actually enjoy.

actually that's a lie, there is one thing I love.

But seriously, I hate yard or property work.

Ok let's hear it you lazy bums.

Shit Storm begin.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Not an athlete nor drunk, but whatever.

Could be drunk.

Anyways, this was the longest week in the world, and now I'm rewarded with a weekend full of bullshit rain. Thank God all I have to do is stay inside and do nothing but watch hoops. That'll be sweet.

Ever wonder how Chris Bosh got ready for the Olympics? Wonder no more.

Wire Elitism. To the max.

I still find it impressive that Willis McGahee still gets paid to play sports.

This guy shows you how to paint, exercise, and blend drinks, all at the same time. Apparently, it's exactly how you imagine it.

And yes, it's getting warmer.

Ok. NBA playoffs. Let's do this.


Here's hoping that this happens again, for some reason.

YES! The second season is upon us! GODDAMN RIGHT! I've decided that this year, I'm going to give what I want to have happen, series by series.

(1) Cleveland Cavaliers v. (8)Detroit Pistons
-Cavs. Because of Bron. Sorry, Sheed.

(2)Boston Celtics v. (7)Chicago Bulls
-Bulls. If KG isn't playing, then I have literally no incentive to give a fuck about this Boston team. Suck shit.

(3)Orlando Magic v. (6)Philadelphia 76ers
-Magic. Because Rashard Lewis is what Andre Iguodala will be.

(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (5)Miami Heat
-Hawks. Because Miami are some smarmy fucks ever since winning the championship. Also, the Hawks are fucking badass.

(1)Los Angeles Lakers v. (8)Utah Jazz
//takes pull of whiskey
-Jazz. I never thought I'd ever pull for the Jazz for any reason, but here it is. Deron Williams is awesome, Ronnie Brewer is VERY fun to watch, and Carlos Boozer has a hilarious habit of shouting obscenities where microphones can hear him.

(2)Denver Nuggets v. (7)New Orleans Hornets
-Push. The most "QUIEN ES MAS GANGSTER" matchup I've ever seen. This is the fucking tits. Tyson Chandler, JR Smith, Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey "Gorzo the Mighty" Billups, Chris "Birdman" Andersen, AND the best point guard in the league all going at each other? Break out the bottle of Tanqueray, put on some soul music and let the flavor happen. If I have to decide, Nuggets, because of Homerism.

(3)San Antonio Spurs v. (6)Dallas Mavericks
-Spurs. Because Robots > Nazis. And Homerism.

(4)Houston Rockets v. (5)Portland Trailblazers
-Blazers. This one was really tough. I'd love to see the Rockets make it out of the first round, just to spite T-Mac (and because Ron Artest, Luis Scola, and Kyle Lowry are awesome), but I've always loved the Blazers. I can't explain it. However, LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw, Grandpa Greg Oden, and the Spanish Mafiosos speak for themselves.

OK. Phew. That was tougher than expected. We'll see how these turnout, hopefully I won't be that sad.

Also, it's Lattimer's birthday. Wish him a happy one in our comment sections, because he's probably on his fourth Vodka and Whey Protein drink at this point, and will be out of commission until we have more information.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Caption Contest!



Vince Carter secretly wishes he had the sweet Argyle sweater on the guy three rows behind him.


Julius Peppers applies the perfect death grip.

Do better than these. It's a good one.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Isiah Thomas Employed

Well, this guy's in charge of something again.

In light of the news that broke today (at least somebody's got a job, right?), we decided to combine our best/halfassed efforts into coming up with headlines that we would most like to see happen in the coming year. On with the show!

Steve Lattimer:
-FIU coach Thomas wades into Miami surf, never to be seen again.
-Thomas: "FIU is my dream job I just screwed up the Knicks to have a legitimate reason to come down here"
-Reports show thanks to coach Thomas, America now knows about FIU.
-Panther Strike: FIU finishes 4th in Sunbelt.

Zack Stovall:
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas voted 'Coolest Guy on Campus' and 'Least Likely to Succeed' in yearbook superlatives.
-ORLANDO — On his first recruiting visit, Isiah Thomas could only stare awkwardly after he addressed the athlete's mother as 'sir.'
-TALLAHASSEE — Isiah Thomas thrown out of a local Long John Silver's for agitating the fry cook for some crabbie patties.
-KISSIMMEE, Fla. — Isiah Thomas sent to a local hospital after choking on a tater tot from laughing at the name of the town he was driving through.
-ATLANTA — Isiah Thomas asks Hawk Joe Johnson to borrow a couple of bucks just to "catch a bus back home."
-OXFORD, Miss. — Isiah Thomas kicked off Ole Miss' campus for public urination on John Grisham statue.
-LITTLE ROCK — Coach Thomas ejected from UALR game, even after Bob Knight-esque chair toss was thwarted by chair being bolted down.
-ORLANDO — Coach Thomas brings Mike Singletary into locker room to motivate team by pulling down pants, FIU routs WKU 178-44.
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas contracts airbourne venarial disease, dishes out several.
-DEKALB, Ga. — Iraqi-born reporter throws shoes at Thomas in post-game conference; Shaq's size 22 sneaks don't miss.

-Isiah Thomas’ Dental Records Confirm That he was Present at Airstream Trailer Catastrophe
-Isiah Thomas Finishes 5th in Catfish-noodling Competition
-Isiah Thomas Kidney-punches Alonzo Mourning, Flees
-Broward County Teen Pregnancy, Alligator Poaching Skyrocket
-John Wall Transfers to Florida International University
-“Storm’s gon’ be a big’n” Predicts Overalled Isiah Thomas, From water-damaged La-Z-Boy on Front Porch
-Texas outlasts FIU for NCAA Championship in Double OT Thriller
-Isiah Thomas Confuses Press Corps by Cryptically Declaring Self ‘HNIC for Life’
-Panthers Tired of Isiah Thomas Pretending to be Electrocuted Since Growing Afro
-Eighth Day of FIU Standoff Ends Peacefully

Booker Pogue:
1.) FIU Campus Riots after Thomas Urinates on Alumni Honoree During Bizarre Halftime Incident
2.) Police Still Looking for Missing Critters after Drunken Isaiah's Midnight Petting Zoo Escapade
3.) Onlookers Baffled after Louis Farrakhan Throws Opening Pitch for FIU's '09-'10 Basketball Season
4.) Missing Teenagers Rescued after Isaiah's Speedboat Shootout with DEA, FBI Agents
5.) Isaiah Defects during Recruiting Trip to Havana; Will Star in Cuban Celebreality Dance Competition.
6.) Thomas Invites Holyfield to FIU Lockerroom for Pregame Speech; Kicks Former Champ in Groin.
7.) Coccaine "Donation" to Local Charity "Nets" Thomas 12 Years
8.) At Coach's Insistence, Quarter Beer Night to Continue in Spite of Violence for Panther Basketball
9.) Thomas Declares Sovreignty, Demands Backtaxes from Neighboring Residents.
10.) Judge Mandates Vasectomy after Latest Isaiah Thomas Paternity Suit.

Want to know why ESPN sucks?

Sure. I get it. It's a late Tuesday afternoon. Not a lot of big news going around the country. Baseball is already into its second week, NBA playoffs are nigh, and each are far too long. Life is great.

I also understand the Feast and Famine atmosphere of the news business. There's never any middle ground; Either you're awash in too much information, only bits of which you can possibly hope to retain, or your in the middle of the desert, desperately hoping for a drop of sweat to quench your thirst. Maybe there's a famine period going on today for the folks in Connecticut.

But here's my primary beef with ESPN: If it isn't newsworthy, don't report it. And certainly don't make it your featured headlines (plural! /slaps forehead). Here's a glance at the so-called "headlines" from ten-til-five today.

* De La Hoya says his time in the ring is over — Oh, really? This isn't news, this is olds; The Golden Boy has been out of the game since the idea that he could ever do anything other than punch people for a living entered everyone's mind.

* Beckett suspended for nearly beaning Abreu — Nearly beaning? What? No bloodshed? That's barely a story. Josh Beckett's soul patch is a bigger story than that.

* Isiah Thomas named basketball coach at FIU — STOP THE PRESSES! The much-maligned Knickerbocker has returned to the collge ranks in the gully of the ballyhooed SUN BELT CONFERENCE to take on the likes of ARKANSAS STATE and WESTERN KENTUCKY! Let me know if he can get them to dunk and/or get people to care.

* Celtics' Allen suspended for elbowing Varejao — Ray Allen is mad gangsterish. He's throwing 'bows. He also looks like Charlie Villanueva, the hairless wonder.

* Xavier to introduce Mack as new head coach — You lost me when 'Xavier' was anything other than the Professor from X-Men.

* Connecticut center Thabeet to enter NBA draft — Duh.

* Autopsy shows Kalas died from heart disease — Mournful as this was yesterday, this is an addendum to an earlier story. Emphasis on 'yesterday.'

* Duke point guard Paulus works out for Packers — ESPN is treating this move of a college athelete abahdeetabahdeetabahdeet (double-take noise) playing another sport (like Julius Peppers, Matt Jones, etc. etc. ad nasuem) like it's yet another sequel to Air Bud, a film which, by the way, garnered very little attention from the Academy.

* E:60: Air quality at ice rinks causes concern — Concern....from the one fan who was watching hockey? Or the three fans watching figure skating?

* Rumors: Quinn, like Montana, may be a 49er (Insider) — This is the most egregious of them all, and it's labeled the biggest one, only to be viewed by the most select and dignified of readers (/extends pinky).

Quinn went to Notre Dame. He won zero championships and was best known for being totally super cute. Joe Montana went to Notre Dame, nearly won a Heisman, a national championship, and oh by the way, won three Super Bowls as a 49er. The fact that they both went to Notre Dame — of which, I am a fan, by the way — only matters in one regard: They're both honkies. Other than that the comparisons should stop.

This last post is the most clear example, along with the others as corroborating evidence, that ESPN loves to make stories where there are, in fact, none.

But again, that's not news. That's olds. Or it should be. Just go here or here for your sports news. Or grab a ball and make news happen yourself.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

What a glorious weekend, but now we're back at work, which sucks.

Sports are great, because we can all debate topics without any concern for logic and reason.

Think about it, literally everyone can be an expert as long as they watch an average amount of games. (And listen to the real experts on ESPN)

Don't get me wrong, I love sport debates. Shoot, they are down right fun sometimes, especially since you can basically throw anything out there and see if it sticks.

So for the shit storm give me the best sports debate/argument/reasoning.

And by best mean dumbest/pointless/ESPN like.

In essence, the shit storm is about....well the best shit storm.

I'll give you my personal favorite, which I use all the time: Stats.

I'll use stats if they favor me, but when they don't I just bring out the system/era/teammates card. It's great.

And just to be clear, you can throw down some specific storms like "BEST TEAM EVAR!!!" or reasoning such as "If so and so played on the so and so's he'd be in the hall."

Also, if you're having trouble with this just watch some ESPN, or go to some fan site such as Rivals and just see what they are talking about.

You can also find some good material with the draft coming up.

Worst case, just say something like Tebow vs. Vince Young

Ok shit storm begin.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Fucking right. This has been a big week. Baseball season returned, much to the delight of Ryan Howard's liver. We cut down the internets, and the Masters returned to show the surrounding neighborhoods of Augusta, Georgia what a Klan rally's demographics are.


So Zack is currently imprisoned in what I like to call, "Rewrite hell," and Lattimer has taken to the woods for his annual steel cage deathmatch between him and his two most hated rivals: a snake and a bobcat.

So here I am, and here we go.

First, the annual automakers convention has produced some serious wienermobiles. Oh well. As long as people can still do this, it'll be alright. No, they won't let me embed this, sorry.

Aries Spears is funny and good at doing impressions. That's all you really need to know.

So I haven't watched wrasslin' in a while, but I really wished that I had known Wrestlemania was going on when I was in Houston last weekend. But then, I found out that WWE is now nothing but wanksters battling each other. Wack.

Naturally, the No Fun League punishes people for fun, but some enterprising fellow took it upon themselves to record Sportscenter's top ten touchdown celebrations. Remember the good old days? When you could have fun playing football?

If you don't know about Team Flight Brothers, then that means you haven't seen the best sports YouTube video of 2007. Well, it's true.

Yes. Sweet. Easter means candy.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Nothing to do with sports

I'm on vacation.

Via the ohhh so awesome EDSBS.

Caption Contest!

Since we are equal-opportunity roasters here at the Ghost, we have yet another Presidential Opening Day Caption Contest.

"Change-up you can believe in."


"I told you Obama's a lefty!"



Step up to the plate and knock this picture out of the park.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Conquers the Internet

So yesterday we had a post about Marty B's world. As it happened, several other sports blogs had it, too. The first was the imitable Kissing Suzy Kolber. Now, if you follow that link, then click on the link for the hat tip, where does it take you?


Anyways, since we have a paltry but lovable readership, and KSK has an enormous and hideously awful readership, things proliferated from there. With Leather picked it up, but if you follow THEIR hat tip, it'll take you where? That's right. Follow the yellow trick road, muhfuckas. Finally, Deadspin got it. That chain's a little harder to follow, but it's root is all here.

The Big Lead will probably have something on this next week. And they'll claim that they found it. That's how those knobslobberers roll.

This is the only blog you should ever read. Top o' the world, ma!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Icehouse's favorite Cowboy, Martellus Bennett, is now a blogger for the Dallas Morning News.

Because if your newspaper is firing everyone else, you give Martellus a podium to spout his insanity.

Thank you, God.

These blogs also answer the question, "What happens if you're forced to spend every waking hour with John Garrett?"

The answer? You lose your fucking mind.

One Shining Moment

American Patriot, Scholar, Flavor aficionado, All-World Badass.

These are some of the many words used to describe the innagural GRH bracket champion.


Some of you may not know Joey, many of us however know him quite well.

Not only is he a member of the 500+ rebound club, which places him in the top 25 all time of the SCAC, but he also singlehandedly rebuilt the Mississippi coast following Hurricane Katrina.

Oh and I must mention that he played Jonathan Bender for the title of "Best Basketball Player in Picayune."

Naturally he won.

You see as soon as I saw the words "Alabama State all the way" followed by Joey. I knew this whole thing was over. Icehouse knew the same thing which is probably why he picked Texas to win it all just so he could feel good about his bracket. Hell Stovall saw this as such a foregone conclusion that he didn't even take 20 seconds to fill out a bracket.

Hobbers, I made you think you could win, you thought you had a chance, you thought I'd be writing about you right now. You didn't know what we knew. I misled you. And for that I am truly sorry.

But all is not lost. We had some great bracket names such as "I win so much HAHAHAHAHAHA" (And trust me he does) a personal favorite was "Breakfast Tacos and Glory." Let us also remember "The Ghost of Kenny Powers" because we all know Kenny cares about real sports, and does not want to be the best at exercising. Finally we should also look at "Don't Tase me Hansbrough" who inexplicably predicted the world would end some time around the final four, and the finals would never occur. A bold move to say the least.

But all of that doesn't matter, we are all losers.

Everyone bow down to Joey, because this is his 500+ shining moment.

/Cut down internets

Monday, April 6, 2009

GRH Book Club: Boyz N The Hood.


Ok, ok, ok. I know it’s not a “Sports Movie.” Hear me out.

Sports plays a large factor in the movie, and plays a pivotal role in the development of one of the central characters. Plus, it kind of connects to a lot of current things, so, shut up and listen.

Boyz N The Hood is the coming to age story of Tre Styles, Ricky Baker, and Doughboy Baker, following them from childhood up to the cusp of adulthood, in the poverty-ridden environment of south-central Los Angeles. The three take essentially the three different paths available to those of this plight.

Tre, raised until the age of eleven by his mother (who earns a master’s degree and becomes a denizen of a higher social status), is taken in by his father, Furious. His life is maintained by a strict code of ethics set forth from his father, with words of wisdom like, “any fool can make a baby, but it takes a man to be a father.” Tre has a job, excels in school, and is ambitious and driven enough to make college a reality.

Doughboy, played aptly by Ice Cube (the dude that makes family movies?!), is the opposite. In and out of prison, his life is consumed by drugs, alcohol, and the perpetual and cyclical violence which he himself perpetuates, and succumbs to, postscript.

Tre’s best friend and Doughboy’s half-brother is Ricky Baker. This is where the movie intersects with our interests. Ricky has been sports-obsessed since a young age and is now an All-American Running Back for Crenshaw High School, is highly touted and recruited to play the position at USC. Ricky is not without his setbacks. Like of many of the same young men in his situation, he is already a father, and does not excel in school. When the recruiter comes to talk to Ricky, he is obviously put off by the young son, and sends Ricky into a spiral of self-doubt when he mentions that Ricky must score at least a seven hundred on the SAT to be eligible to play at Southern Cal.

Tre is the exception whose eyes we see the movie through. He has two supportive parents and seemingly only has the weakness of female attention. Doughboy and Ricky, on the other hand have the same mother, but we know nothing else of their fathers. Crime is the only avenue that Doughboy seems destined for, and football is the only outlet – and way out – for Ricky. This seems to be a prevailing notion, for when the USC recruiter comes to visit Ricky, one of Doughboy’s associates asks for a scholarship, saying, “I want to go to college, too.”

I won’t spoil the end for those of you that would like to know where it goes, but needless to say, it’s not a feel-good movie.

What got me on this line of thinking is a game that tips off here in a little less than an hour. How many times in the last weekend have you read something about how great it would be for the state of Michigan if Michigan State were to win tonight? Seriously, how many? It’s all anybody can talk about, really. I’m not trying to take anything away from the accomplishments of the Spartans, they’ve done very well, and been pretty fun to watch. OMFG! FUNK!

What I don’t want is for sports to be the only thing that these people have to cheer about. I don’t want people in Detroit, Flint, or any other impoverished Michigan community thinking that sports is the only thing that can heal a community that has been ailing for decades.

Maybe I’m reading to much into it, maybe I’m just being a jerk, but it seems to me like it’s just a scrap of happiness being thrown their way, while the real pervasive problems of their society go largely ignored.

Put it another way. In the words of Doughboy, “Just goes on and on, you know? Either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t care about what’s going on in the hood.”

Monday Morning S--t Storm

What a wonderful weekend, but now it's Monday, which can only mean two things. 1. Responsibility. 2. Shit Storm.

Technically last night the MLB season got under way, but everyone knows today is REALLY opening day. This marks the start of MLB's 7 month marathon which provides us with something to watch on that Wednesday night in July, as well as mind-boggling fantasy stats. (Seriously the league I'm in must have every stat known to man)

Baseball also marks prime funny sport story reason. I don't know why, but when people talk about going to baseball games the funny/awesome seems to follow them.

So for the Shit Storm, give us your best baseball story.

Here's mine:

the year was 2001, and my friend somehow got green seats (first 4 rows) down the first base line at old Busch Stadium. The Cardinals were playing the Mets which meant everyone's favorite gay catcher was in town.

Mike Piazza. That son of a bitch.

Anyway, since we were close to the action we did what any 16 year old would do. Make fun of Piazza's sexual orientation.

Luckily for us Piazza went 4/4 that night which gave us numerous opportunities to rain down verbal thunder. My friends had much better zingers, but I think my best line was "Hey Mike I bet you got hot and heavy when that coach just slapped your ass." Not the best line, but I felt like a 16 year old genius at the time.

Obviously we had zero effect on his playing, but we definitely caught his attention. During a pitching break Mike was stretching on first, my buddy yelled out. "Gee Mike after all these years I figured your asshole would be stretched out by now." Mike then turned around and stared us down for the remainder of the break.

Looking back on it we probably shouldn't have offended the gay community by associating them with Mike Piazza, but hey we were 16.

Ok share your stories, and try not to offend entire groups of people with your comments.

Shit Storm begin

Friday, April 3, 2009

Friday Afternoon Funbag!

I guess you didn't hear, but Icehouse was arrested late last night for being too awesome and revered. And likely shirtless.

So Lattimer and I have teamed up to give you the weekly and much ballyhooed Friday Afternoon Funbag.

We hope to live up to it's honored tradition. Reigning AL MVP Dustin "Luckily I Play a Sport That Requires Hats to Cover My Balding Head" Pedroia is clearly pumped about it.

Frankly, I'm tired of being nice now. Let's do this mother and get out, because it's Friday and I've got the itch.

We here at the Ghost don't much care for ESPN. We do, however, care a great deal about Norm "October?" Macdonald. Here is his legendary 1998 ESPY awards monologue. It's worth skipping work to watch.

And just to make sure we cover all of our pertinent Billy Madison bases, this lady called the shit 'poop.'

Like guns? Don't like pesky and "reasonable" legislation that keeps you from purchasing a gun? Like crazy honkies who have definitely killed someone as a direct result of their negligence? Then this guy is for you.

The imitable Ron Burgundy sharpens his journalistic prowess on UNC Coach Roy "Not the NFL Guys" Williams.

Thumbs up to my good buddy Lance Turner. LT and I have been on TV together and we've each done our share of radio bits in the Natural State. We usually sound something like this.

Old People Playing Sports is as Humorous as it is Uplifting.

Yeah. So. That's it. Get out there and be somebody.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Caption Contest!

Better than the rest of the pitchers on the Reds.


"That fucker's crowding the plate. Not on my watch!"


"Who did the Nationals get to throw out the first pitch? What?! Well, what about the Rangers? JESSICA SIMPSON?! So where am I going? Aw, shit."

In respect for the upcoming glory that is Opening Day, a caption contest. As always, I know you can do better than the above captions, and keep it clean.