Isiah Thomas Employed

Well, this guy's in charge of something again.

In light of the news that broke today (at least somebody's got a job, right?), we decided to combine our best/halfassed efforts into coming up with headlines that we would most like to see happen in the coming year. On with the show!

Steve Lattimer:
-FIU coach Thomas wades into Miami surf, never to be seen again.
-Thomas: "FIU is my dream job I just screwed up the Knicks to have a legitimate reason to come down here"
-Reports show thanks to coach Thomas, America now knows about FIU.
-Panther Strike: FIU finishes 4th in Sunbelt.

Zack Stovall:
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas voted 'Coolest Guy on Campus' and 'Least Likely to Succeed' in yearbook superlatives.
-ORLANDO — On his first recruiting visit, Isiah Thomas could only stare awkwardly after he addressed the athlete's mother as 'sir.'
-TALLAHASSEE — Isiah Thomas thrown out of a local Long John Silver's for agitating the fry cook for some crabbie patties.
-KISSIMMEE, Fla. — Isiah Thomas sent to a local hospital after choking on a tater tot from laughing at the name of the town he was driving through.
-ATLANTA — Isiah Thomas asks Hawk Joe Johnson to borrow a couple of bucks just to "catch a bus back home."
-OXFORD, Miss. — Isiah Thomas kicked off Ole Miss' campus for public urination on John Grisham statue.
-LITTLE ROCK — Coach Thomas ejected from UALR game, even after Bob Knight-esque chair toss was thwarted by chair being bolted down.
-ORLANDO — Coach Thomas brings Mike Singletary into locker room to motivate team by pulling down pants, FIU routs WKU 178-44.
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas contracts airbourne venarial disease, dishes out several.
-DEKALB, Ga. — Iraqi-born reporter throws shoes at Thomas in post-game conference; Shaq's size 22 sneaks don't miss.

Icehouse:
-Isiah Thomas’ Dental Records Confirm That he was Present at Airstream Trailer Catastrophe
-Isiah Thomas Finishes 5th in Catfish-noodling Competition
-Isiah Thomas Kidney-punches Alonzo Mourning, Flees
-Broward County Teen Pregnancy, Alligator Poaching Skyrocket
-John Wall Transfers to Florida International University
-“Storm’s gon’ be a big’n” Predicts Overalled Isiah Thomas, From water-damaged La-Z-Boy on Front Porch
-Texas outlasts FIU for NCAA Championship in Double OT Thriller
-Isiah Thomas Confuses Press Corps by Cryptically Declaring Self ‘HNIC for Life’
-Panthers Tired of Isiah Thomas Pretending to be Electrocuted Since Growing Afro
-Eighth Day of FIU Standoff Ends Peacefully

Booker Pogue:
1.) FIU Campus Riots after Thomas Urinates on Alumni Honoree During Bizarre Halftime Incident
2.) Police Still Looking for Missing Critters after Drunken Isaiah's Midnight Petting Zoo Escapade
3.) Onlookers Baffled after Louis Farrakhan Throws Opening Pitch for FIU's '09-'10 Basketball Season
4.) Missing Teenagers Rescued after Isaiah's Speedboat Shootout with DEA, FBI Agents
5.) Isaiah Defects during Recruiting Trip to Havana; Will Star in Cuban Celebreality Dance Competition.
6.) Thomas Invites Holyfield to FIU Lockerroom for Pregame Speech; Kicks Former Champ in Groin.
7.) Coccaine "Donation" to Local Charity "Nets" Thomas 12 Years
8.) At Coach's Insistence, Quarter Beer Night to Continue in Spite of Violence for Panther Basketball
9.) Thomas Declares Sovreignty, Demands Backtaxes from Neighboring Residents.
10.) Judge Mandates Vasectomy after Latest Isaiah Thomas Paternity Suit.