The Ballad of Casey

Youtube is gay, watch the video here.
(deadspin.com)

**Update** Reeeeemixxxxxxx


Bullying is a major problem in all schools, especially with the advent of the internet and phone cameras. Usually we see bullies ridiculing a young kid, however sometimes the bullying goes terribly...wrong.

Enter Casey, champion of Wallaby middle school, defender of hope and freedom, and prolific power bomber.

But this video doesn't do our young hero justice. Who is he? Why is he picked on? What pushed him over the edge? Well don't worry dear reader we have our own theories at GRH.

I give you, The Ballad of Casey.

-Lattimer

Casey is an 8th grader at Wallaby middle school in Sydney Australia. Known as the smartest kid in his class, Casey devotes most of his time to studying and immersing himslef in arts, music and literature under the watchful eye of his single mother. You see, Casey's mom never wanted him to turn out like his father so they moved to Australia at a young age and she forbade him from playing rough house with other kids, and traditional Aussie sports like football and rugby. As a result of his cultured lifestyle, Casey was constantly picked on by the other boys.

But Casey did have one friend, his next door neighbor Nicole. (girl at the end) Nicole liked Casey because they both had honors classes together, and Casey would usually help Nicole on difficult math problems. Nicole, would tell Casey to not let Ricky (hat) and her on and off again boyfriend A.J (white shirt) bully him so much. Casey would shrug it off saying "I can't." Soon she would learn why.

One night Nicole came over to Casey's house early to get started on their science fair project. Casey's mom wasn't home so she figured he was just sleeping in late on a Saturday. However, when she entered the house she heard strange noises coming from the basement. Being the curious girl she is, Nicole went to investigate. What she saw shocked her. Casey was performing highly skilled martial arts moves, power cleaning bags of cement, and punching holes in the concrete walls. Startled, she made a quiet gasp, which sent Casey across the basement and placing her in a sleeper hold. Realizing what he had done, he apologized and told Nicole his secret.

Casey's father was a government MK-Ultra agent, a secret assassin with super human skills who died in the line of duty. Somehow during Casey's conception, he obtained his father's DNA strands containing those skills. He didn't move to Australia for a change of scenery, it was for his own protection. In kindergarten he jammed a block down a kid's throat, and sat on another's killing him instantly. Unfortunately this alerted his father's old enemies.

During the video, young Casey was explaining Algebra to the two young girls when Ricky and A.J show up. Casey had tried to explain to Nicole that A.J was bad news. (His father was the drug king of Sydney and A.J was his rep for the public schools) Things came to a front when Casey discovered A.J was trying to slip Rufalin into Nicole's Mountain Dew at the valentines dance. Casey threatened A.J, but had to back down. A.J, wanting revenge set his lackey, Ricky to embarrass Casey. As you can see Casey was unphased by the weak punches, however something set him off. Not heard in the video is Ricky whispering "Your father was a pussy." Feeling uncontrollable rage inside him, he picked up Ricky and droped him on the pavement. When A.J intervened, Casey used his years of yoga and meditation to calm himself. Nicole, knowing Casey's power quickly tries to calm A.J, but to no avail. As A.J turns the corner he grabs Casey's backpack. Casey swings the bag, placing the straps around A.J's neck, hanging him from the coat rack, and throwing several blows to the head and torso.

Our scene ends with Casey sitting in ISS. Meanwhile, Sergei Zobakov (An ex KGB) watches the youtube video, and ordering his men to assemble. Miraj Ahman (PLO leader) Clicks a link on his twitter feed and smirks. Juan Montoya (Columbian Revolutionary) sees his troops lauging at a video when he looks his eyes widen. Col. Richard McCrystal (MK-Ultra Handler) is watching a large screen in the command center and says "Get me the President." Finally we see Nicole passing by the ISS room waving to Casey who is in deep meditation, that is until his eyes suddently open.
/Credits

-Stovall
In a world of chaos, of terrorism, of tsunamis, of hurricanes, and of disaster, it's safe to believe that there are no protectors out there, keeping the world from decending into further turmoil. You'd be wrong.

"We're here to help you. We're here to help."

One global agency has existed since before the inception of recorded history. A selfless legion of protectors who must decide when to avert disaster...and when to let some continue.

"We can't be discovered...if they knew we could make ALL danger go away, the result would be...even more tragic..."

Shrouded in secrecy and devoted to anonymity, this legion would stay intact throughout the ages, carrying on their forefathers' legacies on through their own family lines and generations of children, each taught to keep their powers - powers of great strength, flight, speed, and nigh invulnerability - safely hidden from the rest of mankind.

"We keep even worse things from happening Casey. We can't be discovered. We're here to help."

Until Casey.

"MOM, why can't we keep all bad things from happenin-..."
"NO, there must be some darkness to enjoy the light, and we have the power to..."
"But MY LIFE is nothing but darkness..."

One boy who has the power to stop anyone's hurting, including his own, but sworn to protect an vow of secrecy for himself and his family until...

BODYSLAM

"Do you realize what you've done, son, what you've COMPROMISED?"

From the producers of 'Jumper' and 'Independence Day,'...

"I couldn't any more, WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD, FATHER?"

Comes the story of a young boy...

"We can't do this any more Casey, you're either with us or against us..."

Who had all of the power in the world...

"You made me a target for bullies...on purpose?!"

To help himself...

"Who would suspect you have the ability to hold up dams, or tackle tornadoes?"

And others...

"It's my LIFE."

Just like him...

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."
"Thanks...and thanks for stopping them from doing anything else..."

and just like her...

"IT'S. YOUR. DUTY...how do you think this is going to end, Casey?"

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."

"I don't know...but I have to try..."

(slow mo)Casey lifts the ground to curb an oncoming lava wave
(slow mo) Casey standing in front of family being shot by a gang
(fast motion) Casey flies directly into tsunami wave, reversing its direction with a BOOM

UNBULLYABLE

"You can't help all of them. No matter how many you save, they'll hate you for it. You'll still be bullied, or worse, my son."

Casey, flying in mid air, holds hand up to oncoming commercial airliner heading directly for the White House

"That doesn't matter anymore."

BOOM.

...July 4, 2012...

www.ihavethepower.com

GRH Rookie Hazing

Well well well

Looks like pledge bitch NFL rookie receiver Dez Bryant doesn't want to take part in the pledging NFL training camp activities.

Are you fucking looking at me?

DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!

Looks like pledge Bryant doesn't understand that carrying a brother's pads is necessary in order to learn the mysteries and secrets of The League.

THIS WILL BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR PLEDGE BROTHERS!!!

You think you have it tough?

OUR PLEDGE CLASS DID SHIT YOU COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE!!!

WE HAD IT SOOOOO MUCH HARDER THAN YOU!!!

YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS BLOWING THIS OUT OF PROPORTION!!!

WE SPENT OUR HELL WEEK IN THE HOUSE TRAINING ROOM!!!

Gamma Rho Eta for LIFE!!! KAPPA SIGS SUCK!!!

Pledge educator Lewis, tell these bitches what they'll have in store:

Albert Haynesworth sits on you during team meetings

Wearing Pledge Brother Cody's used jock on your head

Forced to play on the Rams

Brother Lewis stabs you with plastic cutlery in the lunch room

Gatorade power hour

Juggs machine firing squad

Bringing breakfast in bed for all of brother Cutler's bitches

Two a Days on Codeine

Steal all the footballs from the Pi Iota Theta (PIT) fraternity

Having Brother Manning throw tapeballs at your face

Caddying for Brother Romo

Hanging out with Brother Ochocinco

DD for the entire league

Signatures from every head coach

Scavenger hunt: Signature from alumni brother Leaf

Dizzy Bat Oklahoma drill

Steal uniforms from the Delta Alpha Lambda cheerleading sorority

Ice Brother Goodell

Edward Protein shake hands

Appear in NFL United Way commercial

Wiffle bat spear hunting with Brother Allen

Trust football. (Blindfolded, pledge brother tells you where to go/instructions)

Don't fuck your brother (HGH)

Wear velcro secured cleats

Clean the training facility every week

Clean Brother's houses after every party

Playbook study hall

Water troff stands

Go through practice walking and talking like a velociraptor

Sign in active brothers' names during NFL player conduct meetings

Have NFL rulebook on your possession at all times

Pledge bowling with brother Barber

Shot (of heroin) roulette

Just Wait for your Pledge Retreat First Preseason away game. THAT SHIT IS INTENSE!!!

WOOOOOOOOO GPH.....Fuck ATO

*Brothers, please note that pledge Tebow will be doing a dry rush/pledge so make him chug prune juice or milk. And don't be a dick to him, we need his GPA and community service bullshit.

Other Hazing ideas in the comments

Point/Counterpoint on Michael Oher biopic 'The Blind Side'

Stovall: The trailer for the new film The Blind Side has been released. It stars Sandra Bullock and a litany of other actors.

Icehouse: Based on the book by Michael Lewis of the same name, it appears to be some director's attempt to piggyback the next big thing, which is apparently anything Michael Lewis does (even though Moneyball just got axed).

Stovall: It's the compelling story of a large, socially offputting African-American boy and his struggles on the street. Just spitballing here, but I think he goes to Ole Miss, wrecks house, and gets drafted in the first round, now able to buy thousands and thousands of the beds he could never have afforded growing up.

Icehouse: The book begins with an explanation of the psyches of adults that grew up in unfortunate circumstance. This discussion is based on fears that these men probably did not encounter while devoid of a normal childhood. It then shifts to explain recent trend in the NFL landscape to value defensive ends, and therefore their counterparts, offensive tackles. Essentially, the tackle must counteract the end, thus protecting the quarterback's blindside. Get it? Football begets football in the book.

Apparently, The beginning of this movie is a platinum-bleached half-assed mom who won't clean up after her kids and can't cook for shit.

Stovall: It looks uplifting enough. Maybe not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure this might affect some people in a positive way, like Remember the Titans, or Lucas.

Icehouse: They used "How to save a life" by The Fray in their trailer. How lame can you possibly be? They waited for something to be so played out that it is featured on Scrubs, then wait three years, THEN puts it into their movie trailer.

Stovall: I'm not concerned with Sandra Bullock being the star of a film about football. She's a more than capable actress, and pretty easy on the eye's as well. Joan Rivers would be one thing, Meg Ryan even, but I have to think that the romantic interest of Speed could handle the wear and tear of the gridiron.

Icehouse: Bullock's character is a strong person in the book. A central character? Maybe. But this is about how NCAA recruiting has become a business of tracking in human flesh. The coaches see nothing but an enormous prototype that is light on his feet. The entire family (not just the mom, but the younger son and teenage daughter) get to learn Mike Oher's humanity in the process of the journey to stardom.

Stovall: It'll be interesting to see the racial complexities of such a story. Social stigmas being what they are, I think it could translate very well to numerous audiences.

Icehouse: This movie could be an exploration into the problems and inequalities making current conditions and 'stigmas' the way they are. It could bring people together. Instead I think I'm looking at "suburbanite woman's life becomes complete when she finally earns the respect of the country club." It makes me want to vomit.

Stovall: And plus, I love me some football crashes. They big time booms to ever tackle to make it seem harder. When I walked past Gridiron Gang, starring the Rock (want to make it very clear, I walked by, did not go in), it sounded like Pearl Harbor.

Icehouse: Oh, there's football in this movie? That's funny. I didn't notice. I DID see Sandra Bullock on a field surrounded by boys in football pads. HOW FUCKING INTENSE COULD THAT PRACTICE BE?!

Stovall: I'll be very interested to see this film.

Icehouse: I'm currently stockpiling fertilizer, and am planning on driving a Uhaul full of the stuff, fermented into bomb-quality, into the studio on the day of this piece of shit's release. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YOU!

Zach Randolph's HELLACRUNK To-do List

Zach Randolph's coming to Memphis has elicited a range of responses. Icehouse's was similar to Stephon Marbury, when Z-Bo was traded to the Knicks. Icehouse took to the streets screaming, "WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH, Y'ALL!" Booker Pogue, on the other hand, began boarding up his windows. Either way, moving can be a hassle, and we ran across Zach's to-do list upon moving to Bluff City. Without further ado, we give you....
Z-BO'S HELLACRUNK TO-DO LIST

-Open Tops BBQ franchise.

-Update shipping/delivery address w/ Wall Street Journal, Forbes, & Cat Fancy.

-Find owner of meanest dog in area, challenge him to a duel.

-Airboat race against Gucci Mane, 8Ball, MJG, and Computer from the boat ramp at Mud Island to the riverboat casinos at Tunica. Yo Gotti is referee.

-Rob liquor store, throw party with proceeds/booty.

-Dig moat around new house in Southwind; fill moat with saltwater crocodiles and leopards purchased from bankrupt australian zoo.

-Ride bicycle dressed in tank top and flip flops with socks.

-Stand on bank of Mississippi, shout at Arkansas

-Purchase pyramid, rename CRNKAMID.

-Run for mayor

-Set OJ Mayo's house on fire.

-Purchase Rosetta Stone tapes, learn Spanish, tell Marc Gasol that he will be shot for every instance that he shoots with Zach on the floor.

-Shop at Kroger on Poplar and Cleveland.

-Eat the Sasquatch Burger.

-Look up who has the vanity plate "ZBOCRNK," kill him.

-Shop at flea market.

-a) Determine name of current coach (assuming there is one)

b) Shoot a rap video at said coach's place of residence

c) Start fire in garage of residence

d) Flee scene, deny deny deny

-Solemnly visit Civil Rights Museum, steal hubcaps off Booker Pogue’s car parked directly across the street. Offer to sell back to Booker Pogue. Act offended at rejection of said offer, claim racism.

-Eat at Pirtles; Start fire in bathroom; Flee scene; Deny, deny, deny.

-Get plastered at Wet Willies, drive home.

-Call a cab, steal said cab.

-Compete in Saturday morning's "Memphis Wrestling."

-Develop craving for ribs, slaughter own pig.

-Stand on street corner for an inordinate amount of time.

-Open a barber shop, dry cleaners, strip club, coin laundry, auto-repair shop. Begin to launder money.

-Visit graceland, improve hubcap collection tenfold, move into Graceland.

-Attend service at Al Green's church.

-Burn tires.

-Host a town-hall forum discussion on living a CRNK lifestyle: "Healthy Living, the CRNK Way, featuring Zachary Randolph"

-Liberate Desoto, Mississippi.

-Shoot skeet off the Peabody roof.

-Run trout line spanning entire Mississippi river.

-Get internship with accounting department of Piggly Wiggly.

-Challenge AC Wharton to a game of scrabble; game suspended following disagreement over "use of fake words".

-Make 1,000 airbrushed shirts.

-Steal Joey Dorsey's bitch.

-Drive to Missouri, buy souvenir on state line, drive home.

-About a half gram of coke on the 3rd floor of 152 aka Club Shadows.

-Shoot airballs.

-Buy above-ground pool and slip n' slide.

-Emcee a charity event headlined by Trick Daddy; $5 cover w/ free hotwings after the show.

-Force Memphis City Schools to ban headbands on school grounds, "FO STEALIN' MY GRIND.”

-Punch Steven Seagal in the mouth, let hoops family deal with the consequences.

-Turn Rudy Gay gay.

-Release howler monkeys from Memphis City Zoo.

NBA Finals Wish List

The NBA Finals are upon us, and as loyal viewers, The GRH writers decided to get together and provide you with some examples of what we would like to see from the Finale.

-Stovall:I would like to see Dwight Howard come on to a candlelit court, armed with a lightsaber. He will then put on a high-production duel with Derek Fisher, Pau Gasol, and Luke Walton, all in front of a throned Kobe Bryant. After Howard slays Fisher, Gasol, and Walton (with Walton being decapitated, Gasol being impaled and Fisher being mercifully left to crawl away to tell the tale), he will then rush Bryant, but will be intercepted by —gasp!— LeBron James, dressed in a black tuxedo that somehow does not encumber his kung fu. The two will fight and fight and fight and fight, with much pomp and bloodshed. James will utlimately subdue Howard and have him in the killng position. As James goes to end Howard once and for all, Howard will whisper some inaudible cadance into James eager ear, stopping him in his tracks. As a tear slowly treads down James youthful cheek, he will say softly but definitively, "It Is." He will then throw his lightsaber at Kobe Bryant, and it will fly into his chest, exploding him into thousands and thousands of tiny pieces. As LeBron helps Howard up, the two begin to embrace, but stop to shake hands and affirmatively nod, never letting emotion thwart the zeal of a great deed having been done. However, upon inspecting the Bryant debris, it is determined that that being was not Kobe Bryant, but an anamatronic likeness. James and Howard will then grasp each other mightly and trod off the court to defend against evil, together, once again.

I would like to see Ron Jeremy win. Then maybe he could go back to his day job (heyyoooo!)

-Old Booker Pogue:

What do I want to see out of the NBA Finals? I'd like to see Kobe fail. If your first reflex is to call me a "hater," guess what. YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. I hate Los Angeles, I hate the concept of celebrities, and I hate the way those two factors interfere with what is otherwise an enjoyable sport for me to watch. Kobe is the most easily disliked once-in-a-lifetime talent. He's smug, and he's the antithesis of a team player. When he wasn't the brightest star, he ran Shaq (one of the most likeable once-in-a-lifetime tal.. well.. personalities) out of the city. He tried to run Phil off at one point, too. So far, he hasn't won on his own, and I've enjoyed that.

He's everything I hate about pro-sports, and I hope he and his band of vaginal warlords falls on their collective faces. Sasha Vujacic complained in a press conference that Chris Paul taunted him by calling him "Voo-ya-bitch." This is something you handle on the court, if you choose to recognize it at all; I hope you never see an American penitentiary, Sasha, because you'll be the belle of the block. Jordan Farmar sucked at UCLA and has a shitty, too-coo-for-school attitude. Pau Gasol menstruates - look at the monthly (sometimes more frequent) fluctuations in his statistical output. You can't dogfuck science. On the other side, Dwight Howard is the Perfect Warrior, Skip-to-my-Lou has a great back story, Jameer Nelson is a hardass coming back from an injury, Courtney Lee is coming on strong as the fifth wheel, and they've got Europeans (is Turkey in Europe?) who can shoot the leather off the ball. Stan Van Gundy is 4 tech's short of a bypass surgery; he doesn't wear t-shirts to games because he wants to, he wears them on the advice of team physicians. What's not to love (besides JJ Reddick, who would probably come off the bench in the WNBA)?

The Lakers are more complete, but they let Houston take them to 7. Glitz+Glamour+Kobe=Indifference. Magic in 6, with the worst TV ratings of an NBA finals since the last time the Spurs played in one.

But the real winner is LeBron, who will probably not be called for a single foul from April 1st 2010 until October 1st 2010 while shattering the record for and-one's in a single playoff year.


-Lattimer:
Initially I would want to see the removal of all celebrity personalities from the courtside seats. How would I accomplish this? Simple. I would utilize the DHL/UPS/Fedex promotions that take a fan from section ZZ and puts them in prime time seats, except in my promotion I would take that fan and have them exchange seats with some celebrity. Specifically some celebrity that considers themselves to be "a normal everyday person." Put your money where your mouth is dickhead. Keeping on the celebrity theme I'd love to see any player go for a ball and plant their taint in Jack Nicholson's face. Preferably Pau or Hedo. Oh and Spike Lee, we get it, you're friends with the players. And no, you cannot change the outcome of the game with your dumbass trashtalking. (yes I know he's a Knick's fan) I would also like to see Kobe average 40 ppg. And lose. I hate Kobe, always have, always will, and I see no better way than to destroy him than by his own egotism.

What else? Oh, I hope everyone will stop talking about the brothers Van Gundy announcer/coach conflict. I think it would be great if Bill Walton was in the crowd trying to talk to Luke, and Luke just flips out on him. "SHUTUP DAD, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" ala overbearing little league parents and their kids. I also hope Dwight Howard posterizes Pau, because I love Dwight, and hate Pau. Finally I want to see Redick and Morrison on the floor in the deciding moment of game 7 (for whatever reason) with Redick hitting the game winning shot over Morrison. Why? because I want you all to suffer.

-Icehouse:
Uh… Uh… Uh…
The scene opens to General Maximus’ lines at the beginning of Jay-Z’s “What more can I say” from the Black Album. As soon as the beat drops, we see kung-fu speed motion crossed with freeze frames. The freeze frames capture the greatest images of the series. Rashard Lewis swats a potential Sasha Vujacic gamewinner. Pau Gasol gets has his wrist shattered on the rim trying to block a Dwight Howard two-hander. Kobe crosses one, two, three Magic, and buries a three as Stan Van Gundy buries his head in his hands. Shannon Brown steals a Rafer Alston inbounds pass with shades of Larry Bird, miraculously finds Odom for a 30 footer…cash. “I don’t wear jerseys, thirty-plus / Gimme a fresh pair of jeans and a button-up” is spit over shots of Shaq and LeBron in the stands. A montage of Jameer Nelson wrecking shop on Fisher, Ariza, Farmar and Shannon Brown in his first game back since the shoulder injury. Jackson is meditating on the bench, and just starts levitating. Dwight hits a three, swats a shot, comes back down and tosses a pretty oop to Shard. JJ Reddick dies. Marcin Gortat posts a triple double. The beat fades out as the screen fades to black: “I’m supposed to be number one on everybody’s list / Let’s see what happens when I no longer exist. Fuck this.”

Magic in 7.

Well there it is. Have fun tonight.

GRH Acquires the BETcats

Billionaire and BET Founder Robert L. Johnson is selling the Charlotte Bobcats, because vinegar-based barbecue sauce is horrible. Or because North Carolina's a dump. Or he's sick of Duke fans. Or something, I don't know.

Anyways, the Ghost of Roy Hobbs has acquired the erstwhile franchise, as well as the rights to 106 & Park. What are we planning on doing with this scrappy band of up-and-comers? Well, we've got a few ideas.

-Lattimer is given an airhorn rigged to sound like the scream of a bobcat.

-Free admission to all fans wearing cowboy boots, boxers, aviators, and nothing else.

-Emeka Okafor will be player/CFO.

-Pat Summitt is head coach. Reasoning: The one thing every NBA fan can agree on is the importance of solid fundamentals. She will be forced to wear corn rows and show a little chest, after she shaves it. She is also the one woman in the world that can withstand a Ruben Patterson attack.

-Ruben Patterson is assistant coach.

-Blackjack consoles fold out of the seats in front of you; all major credit cards accepted. First five beers free. That'll make a 30pt ass-a-stompin from lebron go down a little easier. If you're gaming you get a free shot every time Emeka gets dunked on. Why has no-one thought of this?

-Your ticket stub of a home win will be redeemable for one tattoo at any area tattoo parlor. The catch is that it must be the same as one of Gerald Wallace's.

-It will be first NBA team headquartered on an Indian reservation or military base. Any tailgating that involves automatic weapon fire is a good idea. The early favorite is Zack Stovall's birthplace, Camp LeJune.

-If DJ Augustine breaks ten assists in a game, everyone gets a free hampster

-Charlotte Bobcats will now be known as the "Naval Air Station Pensacola TurboDawgs.” 18 to enter, 21 to Party.

-Iron Chef-style cooking reality show where Sean May is the judge.

-"Thursday night is amateur night in Club Swamp Rocket, so ladies, work on those moves; First place gets a date with Vladimir Radmanovic.”

-Spitoons.

-Crepe-eating contest against Boris Diaw.

-Sweepstakes contest to re-name Alexis Ajinca to something that sounds less communist. [Ed’s note: I have no idea why this happens to Alexis and not VladRad]

-Five lucky fans take on Raja Bell in those sumo wrestling suits. At the same time.

-Halftime cage matches with the WWF stars of yesteryear.

-Go kart racing around the club level.

-Instead of a blimp dropping coupons for wings at Chili's we'll eliminate the middle man and just drop the wings.

-Jetpack beer vendors.

-After every win (home or away), a pack of bobcats is released onto the court. My plan ends there, which is exactly where the hilarity begins.

-Free nipple piercing on Tier 3.

-Pay $1 to have Nazr Mohammad guess your weight and age.

-Pay $1 to guess Juwan Howard's weight and age.

-Test your paintball accuracy by unloading 50 rounds at the bound and gagged Rhythm Cats.

-The Rally Cats will be fired. As acting CFO, Emeka Okafor will do the firing. Icehouse will be present with a Polaroid camera, so he can shout, “ha! this is how sad you looked! I can't believe this shitty gig is all you had in your life! Now, get your ugly ass off my property." Lattimer gets to fire Rally Cat Joe.

-After every home loss, season ticket holders get three throws with the Managing Member of Basketball Operations in a dunking booth.

-"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.

-The Rufus Room is about to become a strip club. "Eddie House" will be added to Rufus' Pet Peeves. “Anything by Petey Pablo” will replace all of Rufus’ favorite songs. Rufus will have a giant, inflatable counterpart.

-DeSagana Diop will personally greet every fan that enters the stadium with, “Welcome to the Bobcats game. I love you."

Roger Clemens Lives in an Alternate Universe

As you might have heard, our favorite all natural pitcher, Roger Clemens went on Mike and Mike this morning. During the show, Roger denied all steroid allegations, going so far as to cite his step father's heart problems as a reason he did not use steroids or HGH. Because as everyone knows, once you marry into a family you automatically assume their DNA and medical history. It's fairly clear that Roger believes he did not take steroids, and I guess in Roger's mind as long as you believe something, it's not a lie.

Being the hardworking bloggers that we are, GRH decided to investigate this a little further and find out what else Roger believes to be true.

The following are some hard hitting facts straight from the Rocket himself.

Icehouse:
The Morlocks have invaded.

Houston is a mighty fine place to live.

Vampires can survive outside with just 25 SPF sunblock, but everywhere that sells it closes before dusk.

Fog is just a hug from a cloud. Smog on the other hand is juiced fog, and WAY MORE RIGHTEOUS.

My son Koby has a bright future in the Astros organization.

Country singers always sing better after I plow them.

The Travel Channel’s Samantha Brown is a bitch.

The only way to eat a breakfast burrito is to dunk it in strawberry wine prior to each bite.

Because the conscience is the only tangible proof of existence, the only thing that can truly be proven to exist is the self, so fuck off, all you figments of my imagination.

Franz Ferdinand ROX!!

Stovall:

1. Buttermilk > All other milks.
2. His endorsement deal from Axe body spray is just around the corner.
3. Agrees it's kind of ironic that he nicknamed A-Rod "bitch tits."
4. That Pres. Obama ought to go sleeveless from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
5. Shaving, common courtesy, and normal-sized testicles are overrated, while back-acne, uncontrollable rage and Paul Blart: Mall Cop are all remarkably underrated.
6. If Texas is going to secede, they ought to give him at least part of Houston, and therefore refer to him as 'The Baron.'
7. That people should just go ahead and call him 'The Baron,' with or without secession.
8. That Ron Pearlman isn't that weird looking.
9. Ironing shirts is about as cumbersome as trying to ball up the shirt and hurling it into the dryer, which he just can't help himself to do every time he throws something into the dryer.
10. Ron Artest is a perfectly balanced and well-adapted individual. Not to mention handsome.
11. Skoal + Copenhagen + sleep = Bliss, but quite a mess for the old lady in the morning.
12. Limiting Roger Clemens to the normal amount of entries is a fool's game.

Lattimer:

Clouds are made from giant cotton balls pasted on to a giant piece of blue construction paper, this creates our sky.

Wrestling is real.

The pink unicorn behind home plate tells him which pitches to throw.

Beer before liquor is always the way to go.

This whole Scientology thing makes a lot of sense.

Every night the moon god consumes our sun god and spits him out in the morning, this is how we get day and night.

Santa Clause is not real, The Easter Bunny? Totally different story.

Paris Hilton is a good Christian girl.

O.J is innocent.

MTV has gotten better over the years.

Cheating on your wife is ok, as long as it's with a teenage girl.

Entourage is a groundbreaking show.

Frosted tips look great!!!

Old Booker Pogue:

• "The only way to settle this is for you to see my testicles, but then you press charges. What gives?"
• "People make all kinds of assumptions when they hear I drink my own breastmilk. ... What? No, I was finished."
• "Whoa whoa whoa... I never pinstriped my dog while I played for New York. It was a cat, and it was her idea."
• "Laughter isn't just the best medicine, it's the ONLY medicine."
• "An apple a day boosts anabolic metabolization of whey in lab mice at a rate of 325% over the control group. Rocknroll."
• "Is it just me, or is Bobby Cox actually Emmylou Harris' twin brother? He's been looking good."
• "The ironic thing is that nobody ever caught me corking my mitt."
• "Reba? Yeah, just once or twice. But surprisingly agile and - dare i say? - fearless."
• "Yes, I injected Rickey Henderson with absinthe, but it was just to trip out."
• "Whitesnake sold out just when they were learning how to rock."

Isiah Thomas Employed

Well, this guy's in charge of something again.

In light of the news that broke today (at least somebody's got a job, right?), we decided to combine our best/halfassed efforts into coming up with headlines that we would most like to see happen in the coming year. On with the show!

Steve Lattimer:
-FIU coach Thomas wades into Miami surf, never to be seen again.
-Thomas: "FIU is my dream job I just screwed up the Knicks to have a legitimate reason to come down here"
-Reports show thanks to coach Thomas, America now knows about FIU.
-Panther Strike: FIU finishes 4th in Sunbelt.

Zack Stovall:
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas voted 'Coolest Guy on Campus' and 'Least Likely to Succeed' in yearbook superlatives.
-ORLANDO — On his first recruiting visit, Isiah Thomas could only stare awkwardly after he addressed the athlete's mother as 'sir.'
-TALLAHASSEE — Isiah Thomas thrown out of a local Long John Silver's for agitating the fry cook for some crabbie patties.
-KISSIMMEE, Fla. — Isiah Thomas sent to a local hospital after choking on a tater tot from laughing at the name of the town he was driving through.
-ATLANTA — Isiah Thomas asks Hawk Joe Johnson to borrow a couple of bucks just to "catch a bus back home."
-OXFORD, Miss. — Isiah Thomas kicked off Ole Miss' campus for public urination on John Grisham statue.
-LITTLE ROCK — Coach Thomas ejected from UALR game, even after Bob Knight-esque chair toss was thwarted by chair being bolted down.
-ORLANDO — Coach Thomas brings Mike Singletary into locker room to motivate team by pulling down pants, FIU routs WKU 178-44.
-MIAMI — Isiah Thomas contracts airbourne venarial disease, dishes out several.
-DEKALB, Ga. — Iraqi-born reporter throws shoes at Thomas in post-game conference; Shaq's size 22 sneaks don't miss.

Icehouse:
-Isiah Thomas’ Dental Records Confirm That he was Present at Airstream Trailer Catastrophe
-Isiah Thomas Finishes 5th in Catfish-noodling Competition
-Isiah Thomas Kidney-punches Alonzo Mourning, Flees
-Broward County Teen Pregnancy, Alligator Poaching Skyrocket
-John Wall Transfers to Florida International University
-“Storm’s gon’ be a big’n” Predicts Overalled Isiah Thomas, From water-damaged La-Z-Boy on Front Porch
-Texas outlasts FIU for NCAA Championship in Double OT Thriller
-Isiah Thomas Confuses Press Corps by Cryptically Declaring Self ‘HNIC for Life’
-Panthers Tired of Isiah Thomas Pretending to be Electrocuted Since Growing Afro
-Eighth Day of FIU Standoff Ends Peacefully

Booker Pogue:
1.) FIU Campus Riots after Thomas Urinates on Alumni Honoree During Bizarre Halftime Incident
2.) Police Still Looking for Missing Critters after Drunken Isaiah's Midnight Petting Zoo Escapade
3.) Onlookers Baffled after Louis Farrakhan Throws Opening Pitch for FIU's '09-'10 Basketball Season
4.) Missing Teenagers Rescued after Isaiah's Speedboat Shootout with DEA, FBI Agents
5.) Isaiah Defects during Recruiting Trip to Havana; Will Star in Cuban Celebreality Dance Competition.
6.) Thomas Invites Holyfield to FIU Lockerroom for Pregame Speech; Kicks Former Champ in Groin.
7.) Coccaine "Donation" to Local Charity "Nets" Thomas 12 Years
8.) At Coach's Insistence, Quarter Beer Night to Continue in Spite of Violence for Panther Basketball
9.) Thomas Declares Sovreignty, Demands Backtaxes from Neighboring Residents.
10.) Judge Mandates Vasectomy after Latest Isaiah Thomas Paternity Suit.

Aggregated Assault: The Festivus Airing of Grievances

December 23rd - just to get a leg up on Christmas - has been reserved in the lexicon of American culture as a day to remember all of the ways the people in your world have disappointed you over the past year. It is as day to embrace the feats of strength that bind us in our humanity. It is a time to not be distracted by tinsel, decorations, or pine needles.

This day is Festivus.

So in the good and merry traditions with which properly celebrating this noble festivity is duly associated, so we shall adhere. By airing our grievances, we are truly giving the only gifts that matter to our dear associates: a heavy dose of common sense, reality, and a stark realization of their seemingly endless amount of ineptitude. They are as follows:

• Oklahoma gets what's coming to them
• Roger Clemens gets clean urine
• Travis Henry gets a slap on the wrist
• Tony Romo gets a better girlfriend
• Al Jefferson and Kevin Durant get traded (not for each other, just off of their respective shitty teams that are never on tv)
• Charles Barkley gets elected (don't care where, don't care to what, don't care how)Jay Mariotti gets robbed, beaten, and left for dead

• Marion Barber gets some peace and fucking quiet for once in his goddamn life
• Stephon Marbury gets a contract in Italy
• GRH gets articles from all seven authors in the same week
• The Spurs get one more championship
• The Rockets get one healthy season out of both Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming
• Vince Young gets redemption
• Pacman Jones gets a 13th step
• ESPN gets competition
• David Lee gets 5 minutes in Marion Barber's quiet utopia
• Nate Robinson gets a jumpshot
• Michael Jordan gets humility
• Monta Ellis gets a car, instead of the moped he hurt himself on
• The Grizzlies get Pau back instead of Marc
• Soccer gets a foothold
• John Daly gets another round
• Eli Manning gets facial hair
• Matt Ryan gets a rap CD
• Lions get a win
• Boston gets Tolerable fans
• Virginia tech gets an offense
• Houston Nutt gets star 87
• Brent Musberger gets announcing ability
• Auburn gets a 2008 Calendar

• Tim Tebow gets a beer
• Willis McGahee gets a prophylacticr
• Brett Favre gets a free condo at The Villages (Florida's friendliest hometown)
• Lendale White gets nutra-slim
• Mike and Mike get a clue
• Skip Bayless gets logic and reason
• Joe Paterno gets respect…Seriously
• The BCS gets fucked
• Mike Vick gets a free session with Ceasar Milan
• ESPN gets a trip back to 1997
• Jerry Jones gets a soul
• Pittsburgh gets a better mascot than Steely McBeam
• John McCain gets the funk (gotta have that funk)
• USC gets a legitimate excuse as to why they were defeated by Oregon State's lilliputian tailback
• Santonio Holmes gets a contract from Vivid TV
• Donovan McNabb gets a Caucasian Benefit of a Doubt (Kevin Kolb is your answer? Seriously?)
• Chicago gets the Goat-Slayer 3000; It slices! It dices! It juliannes!
• Ken Griffey Jr. gets some form of a dignified exit from the MLB
• Heath Ledger gets an Academy Awar - oooo too soon?

• Arkansas gets nothing. Nothing at all.
• Rich Rodriguez gets a team that doesn't look mentally handicapped
• Ike gets Tina back...from the graaave
• Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, and Mike Meyers all get movies that don't make me miss my childhood
• Bill Clinton gets a BJ. Looks like Santa came early this year. Ahthankyou.
• Rihanna gets everything she's already got, because I'll be struck by a lightning shark before that lady puts out a bad song
• Emmitt Smith gets a muzzle in order to maintain a shred of credibility
• Woody Paige gets a Silky's Diver
• Tom Brady gets a sack that isn't void of testicles
• Barack Obama gets Nicorette. Yes, We Can (Do It and Nicorette can help)
• OJ gets a fair trial (had the first one been fair, there wouldn't have needed to have been a second)
• Bobby Petrino gets a five-year lease on his home
• Claymation gets a comeback!

• Popping gets locking
• Steve Nash gets a late night talk show
• Darren McFadden gets literacy
• Anquan Boldin gets screwed (pleasurably) for each of the 31 screws (literally) in his face
• Michael Jackson gets redeemed. Thriller. Period.
• Detroit gets a working economic structure
• David Stern gets street cred
• Charlie Weis gets a physique that isn't so often described as "planetary"
• Jay Cutler gets a pat on the back from Wilford Brimley
• Matt Leinart gets a pat on the back from Jay Cutler
• Ireland gets 24 hours of sobriety
• Football gets a name that better describes the game itself. You only kick it at most twenty times a game, which accounts for roughly eleven seconds of game time. Let's call it Smashball and be done with it.

• Adrian Peterson gets a team that can stand winning.
• Tennessee gets in-state recruiting that's worth anything at all.
• Bawston gets an accent that isn't immediately offensive
• Mark McGuire gets into the Hall of Fame (by smashing a hole in the side wall)
• Dante Culpepper gets a flux capacitor back to 2003

And finally, true sports fans everywhere get the ability to physically join to get to create one large moving leviathan organism that is roughly the size of a large skyscraper that can run at Boeing speeds. This ability will also allow the collective organism, known as the Keeper of Justice for Planet Earth will rid the world of the BCS once and for all. It will also toss Jay Mariotti somewhere in the vicinity of the Asteroid Belt outside Mars' orbit, and then it's going to have sex with a volcano.

Put that in your stocking. There it is. And a mighty fine Airing of Grievances it was. If there are anymore you'd like to add, do so in the comment section. If that doesn't float your boat, go screw yourself in the earhole.

So polish your poles, and be sure to stretch before your respective family's Feats of Strength. Happy Festivus everyone.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Aggregated Assault: The Avon Barksdale Award

The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 was a despicable display of angst and fury, although well-documented and masterfully scribed. Brent Musburger seems to be the clear winner, as more ink (well, pixels...) was spent on him than on anyone else. And while Dick Vitale made a strong comeback, from the comment section no less, the Jeff Albertson must go to the chief douche himself, Musburger. His prize will be a swift kick to the gooch from Icehouse's boot.

You've gotta wonder how he'll feel about that.

The Ghost is a big ole gravy train with biscuit-capped wheels, and we'll keep on keepin' on. The Avon Barksdale Award for Management goes annually to the best coach, manager, or even agent for the year. Avon embodied all the great things of leadership. He was loyal to his family, but also expected loyalty. He gave back to the community when he had the opportunity. He put careful thought into when, and how, to snatch a life. He had a good sense of humor, he enjoyed his downtime, and tried as hard as possible not to take his business too seriously. That said, he built one of the most profitable organizations to grace the city by the bay, and at the time of his most recent incarceration, held quite a bit of downtown real estate. Even on the inside, though, his word was his bond. Something of an authority figure, he is trusted with problems and advice.

He is a born leader. An executive. He runs this shit.

That being said, the nominees in this category are as compelling as they are competitive. And they are:

Icehouse's Pick:

Jerry Buss, owner, Los Angeles Lakers: So yeah, dude is a septuagenarian, doesn't really do a whole lot anymore with the team, but he still pimps out when need be. Kobe is a cantankerous sort, and when he gets fed up with Phil Jackson, Mitch Kupchak, Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, etc., he calls Jerry. And Jerry makes all things right in the world.

This year, Buss had a hand in getting the Grizzlies to trade Gasols with the Lakers, sending Pau to Los Angeles and Marc to Memphis. That is straight dirty pimping, as Pau is much better than Marc.

Buss pimped his own daughter, first to Playboy (where she was a centerfold), and secondly to Phil Jackson (with whom she is currently romantically involved).

Buss is also a famed poker player, continuously taking part in extremely high-stakes poker games. Sometimes they're televised, sometimes people lose fingers (I think).

Last summer, Buss was arrested for DUI along with a 23-year-old female accomplice. He is a well-known partier that can regularly be seen at the Playboy Mansion (where he had been the night of the arrest), and counts among his drinking buddies the late Wilt Chamberlain (nobody more baller), Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jerry Jones. Yes, that Jerry Jones.

I understand that much of this is bland, and without commentary, but just look at that rap sheet. If I played for anybody, anybody, I'd hope it'd be someone like Jerry Buss.

Dude is untouchable.

HONORABLE MENTION: Sir Alec Ferguson, Manager, Manchester United. He loves his players. They win championships. Fuck the rest.

Lattimer's Pick:

Paul Johnson, coach, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Ah yes, the Avon Barksdale award. After many years of watching this wonderful show I have learned many things about Avon. He is a complex character. However, the one constant with Avon is he gives credit where credit is due. Heaven and Here put it best stating: "Gangster recognizes Gangster". With that in mind, I think Avon would be proud to have Paul Johnson win the award with his namesake.

Johnson is not a Gangster in the traditional sense, that much I realize, however Johnson is most certainly a gangster in the football world. Prior to this season, I read article upon article stating that Johnson needed to change his offensive attack against BCS defenses and, dare I say, SEC SPEEEEED!!!!! OMG OMG OMG.

Johnson quietly pushed the doubters aside and stuck to his guns. What resulted was a 9-3 record, barely missing out on an ACC championship game appearance (They lost to VT in a tiebreaker) and flexboned interstate rival UGA to the tune of 45 points and 409 on the ground. The thing you have to understand about Johnson is that this is his first year with Tech, running a radically different offense, with players who were recruited for a pro style attack. Furthermore, look at some other first year coaches, such as this guy, this guy, and of course this guy.
I'll stop now or else I'll go on forever.

HONORABLE MENTION: Saban's season, the Entire Tampa Bay Rays organization and Coach ARRRRRRRRRRRR.

Don Delaware's Pick:

Barry Melrose, coach/analyst, Numerous Hockey Teams: Barry Melrose wins my award for best coach. It's not because he is the best coach, but because he is the best coach to ever cross-over into the sports analyst role. Not only did Melrose lead Gretzky's L.A. Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals in '93, but he lead me to pay attention to hockey highlights on Sportscenter. Melrose's tone and demeanor demanded you to at least acknowledge the NHL playoffs. Not to mention he has a bad-ass haircut. He recognized that the rest of the sports world does not give a shit about hockey (especially during football season), so he broke his analysis down in a way so that everyone could understand what the fuck was going on. And in turn, I gave a shit. Here's my thanks to you Coach Melrose, the Avon Barksdale Award for best coach, owner, or agent.

HONORABLE MENTION:

• Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian: Won 1990 Nat'l Title by the widest margin of victory in NCAA history at UNLV with the best, dirtiest team ever

• Temple Hoops Coach John Chaney: Threatened to kill and assaulted then UMASS Coach John Calipari in 1994, and in 1995 "I'm going to send in what we used to do years ago, send in the goons." Chaney sent in Forward Nehemiah Ingram to "ruff up" a St. Josephs player. Ingram fracture the kids arm in one of the greatest college hoops plays ever.
• Browns-Raven Owner Art Modell: Moved the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore after promising to never move the team as he felt betrayed as a Brooklynite when the Dodgers moved to L.A.

Stovall's Pick:

Lane Kiffin, coach, Oakland Raiders: In my opinion, this guy's name has to come into the conversation at some point for the 2008 season. Anybody who can get out of the worthless, Godless, hopeless black hole that is the Oakland Raider organization gets props in my book.

His tenure was less than a year and a half, amassing an impressive (for Oakland) record of 5-15. But one stat that isn't as well known is Old Codger Wrangling, and he was locking it up with one of the wiliest coots in the Northern Hemisphere in owner Al Davis. Davis' strength lies in his slickness and senility. His shirtless windsuits, combined with his Dapper Dan and FOP'ed hairpiece, would make any foe cumbersome. But match that with the plain old vanilla craziness that is the psyche of Al "Father Time" Davis, and you've got yourself an achin' for a breakin'. Then try to coach a bunch of professional egomaniacs who are chemically-induced giants. That'll show 'em.

But Kiffin was run out on a rail, as they say, in a very up-yours sort of way that was very reminiscent of the good old Mike Shannahan days. Now Kiffin will coach the Tennessee Volunteers, a once prominent football program in arguably the best conference in college football. But this isn't necessarily the dream job that many thought it was during the heyday. You're too far north to recruit the talent that your state has never and likely will never provide. You're stuck in one of the most vicious and cut-throat conferences in the country and let's just say the cupboard might be a little sparse upon your arrival.

Kiffin may very well be in the running of my "best" coach of the year in 2009.

HONORABLE MENTION: Jolly Charlie Weiss and his Band of Merry Gingers.

Old Booker Pogue's Pick:

Tommy Tuberville, coach, Auburn University: Clearly the winner here is Tommy Tuberville. The Man with the Golden Ears is a walking tribute to battered wives throughout history, being forced to resign last night. The man wins 8.85 games over a trailing 10yr period. He goes undefeated in 2004, and should have played for a national championship. Does he get shafted? Yes. How many other SEC coaches won successfully over a 10 yr. period? I don't know; it's not worth arguing, but it's not many.

Auburn fans, he was your rock. He may not have had a quarterback, but he had heart. He may not have charisma, but he coached the dumbest animals on earth - 18 y.o. males - to excellence (or near excellence) almost every year.

Sure, he knew you were pissy about his offensive production. Hell, how couldn't he? You went and flew in an old hooker to interview for his job - Bobby Petrino, of course - while the ole' Riverboat Gambler was still winning games. Then that blew up on ESPN. You might as well fuck your call girls in the guest room during Grey's Anatomy; Tommy'll never notice, right? But, ungrateful though you were, he soldiered on.

You kept whining, and he went for the Viagra - which is of course the spread offense. Ask Rich Rodriguez how well that works in a place built on vertical running. Every guy has a hard time getting it up every once in a while. Right? All he wants is for you to be happy. Beside, this happens to everybody. Remember the good times? The six years of domination over your unquestionably superior cousin? Bama? That ring a bell?

No? Well sure then. Kick the old bastard down the stairs and send him to the unemployment line. Tommy Tuberville, next round is on Roy Hobbs. But please, for the love of all that is holy, remember your pride: DON'T TAKE THE CLEMSON JOB. You deserve better than a lifetime of the Bowden Boys' sloppy seconds.

Who do you think deserves The Avon Barksdale Award for Management? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Aggregated Assault: The Jeff Albertson Award

The Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens was a rousing success here at the Ghost of Roy Hobbs. Award winner Jamie Moyer was so enthusiastically honored by the accolade that he hobbled around the bingo parlor where he was residing, until that evil mistress gravity caused him to break a hip by slipping on a misplaced bedpan. Our condolences and congratulations to Mr. Moyer, who is tossing softballs in the off-season as a permanent resident at the Pleasant Forest Retirement Vista in sunny Philadelphia! Way to kick it up a notch, butterscotch.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards roll on. The second award is one of great anticipation, yet of great misery as well. The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 is one's chance to vent all of their frustrations on members of the athletic society that grind one's gears to the point of utter hilarity and/or murder. Jeff "Comic Book Guy" Albertson is a heinous figure. He embodies everything detestable in a human being: Fat, lazy, takes pleasure in hurting people's (specifically, small children's) feelings. Whenever anything good happens to him in The Simpsons, it is to piss us off even further (see: when he slept with Skinner's mother; when he slept with Edna Krabapple). He is evil, hate-filled, disgusting, and all-around useless.

Without further ado, the nominees are:

Stovall's Picks:

Brent Musburger: Granted, we could go on and on ad naseum about this guy, and Lattimer gave an awesome discourse on this guy previously, but the case can still be made. I hate this guy more than I hate anything. And there's plenty of stuff to hate in the world. Starvation, malnutrition, disease. The plague could come back, and if it took Musburger, I'd probably say, "You know, it's not that bad, guys."

It's not just the way he tries to dissect the psyche of every person involved with the game way too prematurely. "You've gotta wonder what Coach thinks about the strength of that defensive line," when there was a mere three yard gain. It's not the way he tries so verbally stick his elite nose in the air in a vain attempt to be the next Keith Jackson. No, it's his contract that kills me. ABC has a lock on the biggest games of the year. So when I wanted to see a Big 12 showdown between Oklahoma and Texas Tech, I had to watch it on mute. This guy is repugnant and offensive and I love Kirk Herbstriet because of it.

Pacman: Sorry, Dallas fans, I grieve with you. I can't stand this guy. Maybe I'm speaking out of rabid jealousy for not getting to play in the beloved league, but how many chances does one guy get? I saw this guy was trouble when he got drafted. Despite the decorum of the draft being reflected with fly suits and neckties, Pacman decides to break the culture barrier by donning several gold chains, a large WVU jersey, a fresh pair of Nikes, and a Crunk Cup.

While hilarious and appreciated as that was, how easy is it to do whatever the F you want and not get caught? Apparently, not easy enough, as Adam Jones is now one misstep away from working at Kenny's shoes for the rest of his miserable days. This case has the potential to turn around, but the forecast is looking doubtful. Stop stealing headlines, Pac. Collective media, you're on red alert on this one as well. No one cares.

And you're uglier than Marshawn Lynch, and that's saying something.

Arkansas (En Masse): This beef is personal. Arkansas fans can be some of the greatest fans ever. As annoying as it is unique, the Hog Call can be heard at numerous events other than University athletics, such as the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and weddings. The Razorbacks are literally a banner behind which the entire state can rally.

But nosce te ipsum, folks. Know thyself. While we are in what is regularly regarded as the best conference in college football, that does not mean we are elite by any stretch of the imagination. From the dregs of the long-forgotten Southwest Conference to the dregs of the SEC, what in God's name are we expecting? So please, for the love of God, drop the ego and accept that until some miraculous recruiting happens, we are not and will not be a top tier athletic institution and haven't the gumption to run off a coach who gets an average of 8.5 wins per season.

Yeah, I'm talking about Houston Nutt. I'm not the biggest fan of Nutt, but I sure as hell don't dislike him either. The man is having a "huge" success at Ole Miss now doing what he has always done. Nutt isn't going to win a national championship. He probably isn't going to win a SEC title. He will probably at most win a handful of SEC-western division championships. He will have ten-win seasons. He will have six of five-win seasons. But his average will be about 8.5 based solely on his ability to recruit. You're not going to be a top tier team, but you're going to sneak up and beat some teams that you shouldn't with Nutt at the helm (I point to Florida this year, and LSU last year).

But that wasn't good enough, was it Arkansas? You thought you were really something, so you hacked into his records and started rifling through his crap. Get over yourself, Natural State. We're a funky bunch, but that gives us no right to think we're some kind of school that can speak softly, and use our so-called "reputation" as our big stick.

Oh yeah, and while in the fall your Ozarks are lovely, but there are parts of southeast Arkansas that are so ugly, they make me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.

Lattimer's Picks:

So the topic is "Detestable appearance and personality."

Yes?

In my infinite wisdom, and continual quest to find myself, I have realized one thing: I have a love, hate relationship with sports figures.

Meaning I either love you, or I hate you.

But before we get to my selection I'd like to touch upon Stovall's nominee, Brent Musburger.

I was watching the OU-OSU game Saturday night, and of course whenever OSU is on TV there are 20 gratuitous shots of T. Boone Pickens.

However, at one point Musburger referred to the oil man/hedge fund manager as Boone T. Pickens.

This does not bother me because if one paid any attention to the election coverage one would realize that T. Boone was all over the place. This does not bother me because T. Boone spent $58 million dollars hawking his plan all over the TV in which every commercial opens with "Hi, I'm T. Boone Pickens." Hell, it doesn't even bother me that the ABC producer probably told Brent "Hey, talk about T. Boone."

What bothers me is this:

The f-ing stadium that Musburger is sitting in is called "Boone Pickens Stadium." Meaning that there is a big ass sign out in front saying "Hey, my name is T. Boone Pickens I gave a shitload of money to this university so I could get my name on this stadium."

We now know that Brent is not only a pompous prick, but he is also a grade-A American dumbass.
ABC probably has to quickly cut exchanges like this:

Brent: Wellll folks there's the olllllllleeeeee oil man Boone T. he's got that big ollllllleeeeeeee windmill plan. And let me tell you what Kirk those windmills are big, and I mean big, I mean when they go to the buffet, WATCH OUT!!!!!!!

Kirk: If Oklahoma wants to win this game they NEED to score more points than Oklahoma State.

Brent: Excellent point Kirk, but you have to wonder in this situation, I mean if Picken T. does build all of those big olllllllleeeee windmills what is going to happen in the future? I mean you have to wonder here what will happen when all the wind runs out. Now I THINK that we are going to be in the same situation we are in right now. I mean you have to wonder what if some other country has all the wind I mean we are just going to be dependent on somebody's wind, I mean you have to throw Canada into the picture here. And I mean you have to wonder if the wind runs out then ollllllleeeee Pickens T will be left with those giant, and I mean GIANT windmills in the middle of the country. And let me tell you what my friend, that is a problem that I WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE!!!!!!

Kirk: The reason Sam Bradford is such a good quarterback is his ability to throw the ball to his receivers.

But I digress, On to the nominees.

I'm going to stick with football for my picks mainly because baseball had a down year in hate.

Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.

However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.



Whoever hands out malicious hit fines in the NFL: I don't know who it is, but I do know one thing: As a child they were picked last in dodgeball every time.

Look, offensive players have enough to worry about. Some of them try to kill themselves, some shoot themselves in the leg, some are in prison because they let dogs fight each other, some think about their retirement/unretirement speeches, and some really have to focus on banging their Brazilian girlfriends. Do you really think they are concerned about getting injured during a football game? F no.

The fact of the matter is the NFL is protecting all these prima-donna offensive tool bags for the sake of marketability. Shit, I've seen worse in my Pop Warner practices. The best part is when the "experts" debate whether the hit was dirty or not. Excellent idea, because in the chaos that is a football game, I know as a player I always had time to think "Hey, should I take this guys knee out or not? hmmmmm ahhh fuck it, I'll just hit him." But I mean those NFL players are so much smarter, too. I bet they have minutes to think about that kinda stuff.

The BCS (Every member of the committee): Let me ask you a question. We have two teams, lets just call them Team A and Team FUBCS.

• Both teams play head to head, neutral field, Team A wins.
• However Team A loses away to a team (Team ARRRRR) however FUBCS beat Team ARRRRR at home.
• So now they both have the same record.
• Team A is better right?

Wrong, Dead wrong.

Yes Texas, just received a Texas-sized screw job this weekend, and this type of shit happens every year (not to mention Texas Tech wasn't even considered). The following is the proposal to start the BCS:

"Dude, dude, dude, F playoffs man. That's so NFL. No, no here is what we do, we let COMPUTERS decide who should play each other in a national championship game. What? No dude, computers are really smart. Mine even tells me when I spell shit wrong, trust me man computers are the future. TRUST ME MAN it will be just like when EA sports simulates a season."

And for those of you who have super duper magical number one playoff plans...It's not going to happen there is too much money involved and as long as some conferences are getting paid, they wont change until it's in their best interest. In my mind, the SEC championship is the National Title.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Icehouse's Picks:

I would like to elaborate on Lattimer's comments about the BCS. The only reason they keep the BCS is because the people in charge of the bowl games don't want to give up their nobility. They like being wined and dined all the time, and they somehow feel that being a semi-final game would take away form their luster.

Furthermore, you know those commercials where all the teams are running around, either in a maze, or fighting past each other in the streets, trying to get the championship trophy? Well it's not like that. A more accurate commercial would be all the teams go to a field, stick their respective thumbs up their respective asses, and wait for an alien spaceship to come and abduct two of them. The BCS computers care more about football and the playing thereof than the bowl committees, but it's a flawed system. It wouldn't be all that hard if you followed a simple formula:

1. Football
2. Everything else.

That's just too complicated, I guess.

Eli Manning: This guy never fails to piss me off. He looks stupid. He overthrows receivers, makes bad reads, and usually blames someone else when he does something wrong. He perpetually looks like he doesn't want to make money playing football. He's a pussy. He looks stupid. He's related to Peyton and Archie, yet has none of their trademark personalities. Peyton makes funny ads, Eli makes gay-ass ads for watches and other shit that I don't want to buy. Shockey didn't like him. He demanded a trade out of San Diego without having played a single down.

And yet… he wins! He wins all the fucking time! He for some reason stumbles ass-backwards into a situation where he gets to play with one of the best defenses, a running back who breaks people's collarbones when they try to tackle him, and a beast line. Anybody could do what he does, it'd be so easy. I could do it, and I'd look good doing it. New York would love me.

Mark Cuban: Owners should never be seen or heard. During the game at least. Fucking Cubes is a fat piece of white trash that found a billion dollars. That's all. I like the idea that an owner of a franchise cares a whole lot about his team, but sitting in the front row of every game with a jersey, while yelling at the refs is over the top. He does all this because HE wants to be the face of the team. It's all about HIM. I can't stand that. YOU are not a player. YOU have no discernible athletic prowess. You're rich, and the list of positives ends at that.

Put on a suit, go sit in the box, and act like you got some goddamn sense.

Hockey: The NHL. All of it.

The sport started out on thin ice with me (GET IT?) because I don't ice skate. I probably won't ice skate next time the opportunity is offered. So I have no frame of reference to begin with about this sport. Virtually every other sport in the world, I can sit down, start watching, and have some frame of reference, like, running. Ice skating? Sorry.

Continuing, if you ask your average hockey fan what the best part about the NHL is, at some point in time, the subject of fighting will be broached. This is the exact equal as saying that you like NASCAR for the crashes. It has nothing to do with the sport, it in fact detracts from the sport. It is allowed to increase viewership. Think about that for a second. To get people to watch our product, we're going to allow our athletes to throw down in fisticuffs whenever they feel like it. What does this say about the sport? It's an inferior product that has little to offer outside of bloodlust. What does it say about the intended market? They are low-brow degenerates who have no respect for athletic accomplishments, and the only way to get them to spend money is bloodlust.

SAME GOES FOR YOU, YOU NASCAR WATCHING DUMBSHITS!

Who do you think deserves The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

THE BICENTENNIAL CELEBRATION!!!!

Holy guacamole! It's a bicentennial edition of The Ghost of Roy Hobbs! It's hard to believe we already have 200 posts. We've seen some good times and some bad, some great times and some sad, and we've never once rhymed. Here are just a few of our own personal favorites from everyone in the group. And by group, I mean the three main writers.

Stovall's Selections:"

Steve Lattimer's College Football Preview, Florida:

Lattimer's CFB Preview of the preseason top ten was not just accurate, and not just compelling, but it was some of the funniest stuff I read. Florida's preview had it all: it clearly surmised the situation - namely King Tebow owning faces - and presented in a way that literally left everyone in my office saying, Whoa, this guy's a little emotional huh?, as I teared up from having to contain my laughter. For the love of God, do yourself a favor this holiday season and go back and read them. An honorable mention is the CFB Clemson article, as it ranks as one of the clearest and most axiomatic prognostications this fair site has ever witnessed.

Icehouse's The Return of the NBA and 30 Reasons to Watch:

The test of a truly fine bit of wordsmithship, to me, is longevity. How long does an article stay with you? That measure in most cases can measure just how good that article is. In Icehouse's case, I had to go to a throwback. In October of 2007, Icehouse gave an NBA Preview that was more thorough than a near-sighted proctologist. And I'll be the first to admit it: I'm not the biggest fan of the Association. But you can't deny the wit and the sheer know how of an article like that. And that's more than a year removed from its original publication.

Stovall's Phelps vs. Bolt:

Of all of the articles I've written for the beloved Ghost, this has been my favorite thus far. It summed up the primary question in every one's head of who owned the Olympics and dissected it in a humorous and altogether informative way. While the outcome of my thoughts were pretty weak (I decided it had to be a tie for now...sorry Donovan), I thought the argument was sound. This also seems to be where I had fully developed a bit of the aesthetic eye for picture and layout design. It's safe to say that it's posts like this that got me a promotion (seriously). But I'm not blowing my own horn. I had plenty of help editing.

The First Monday Morning Shit Storm:

What began as a way to get more people involved in commented on the Ghost, started a revolution that has since generated hundreds of more comments than many thought it could. 168 comments from a variety of folks is more than enough to secure a regular spot in the weekly schedule of The Ghost of Roy Hobbs. And while many other topics, such as wrestling memories or athlete cameos, I think we have to give props to the original shit storm. Although, for the record, Mondays still suck.

Aggregated Assault - The Izzy Mandelbaum Award:

Aggregated Assault, for those of you who aren't aware, is a group post. And I must say, in this instance, it's not about content so much as potential. Here recently, we decided to give 2008 awards to those special athletes who deserve awkwardly special recognition. And that is all well and good (I believe Phillies' pitcher Jamie Moyer is the winner, getting two whole votes...he will be shipped a congratulatory six-pack of, what else, Natural Light), it is not the point of putting this seemingly innocuous article as one of my all-time favorites.

The point is the potential I see. Group posts bring out the best in all of the writers. And love us or hate us, anyone reading this website has to admit, this is some of the best-written and best-produced material on the web. And it's on the backs of a couple of the best writers (yeah, even Lattimer) I've read in a long time.

Aggregated Assault is as good as it gets on the Ghost, because you're getting all three of us at the same time. Like some sort of creepy Eiffel Tower business or something. But, you know, less "orgy" and/or "gross."



Lattimer's Selections:
If it's possible to give one's self a virtual blowjob this is probably what it would look like.

I like how we overlooked our 100th post, as well as our one year anniversary, but I guess 200 brings out the best in people.

Favorite posts?

Icehouse-
Talk about a GRH MVP. The Icehouse not only started this whole shit, but he kept the whole thing afloat prior to the October post surge. I think my favorite Icehouse post is actually the USA vs Spain game notes. I guess it only makes sense to some of us, but the one-liners in that post made me feel like I was sitting right next to him.

Stovall (Scooter Biceps)-
It has to be the week 1 college football wrap up. 2 reasons. 1. This line "He is so small, when he catches a snap to place, it looks like a regular sized person catching a really big watermelon." 2. Although he didn't write this, Stovall inspired this response in the comment section. "Steve and Jerri adopted Scott, who though small in stature has the heart of a lion. Apparently his heart is bigger than your entire portly mocking mass." Who the hell says "heart of a lion" nowadays? Fucking Simba? If this was one of our regular commentors please don't reveal yourself, because I've convinced myself that it was Scott Spurier googling himself, stumbling upon our blog, and going all Napoleon syndrome on Stovall.


Me-
Everything I write.

I'm just joking, in fact 90% of the time I wake up at 5:30 am, get wired on coffee, and just start writing stuff. If you remember my original for the ladies post the whole coffee thing makes total sense I think it's my favorite post because I read it again a week later and realized that there are many people out there who probably think I'm a metro. Which is ironic.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Bonus posts

Every FAFB ever. I get jacked when I read Icehouses epic closing remarks.

We should probably also link some of our other authors. They came in and rocked us with some pretty solid stuff, then they left.

I also feel like we have some pretty solid readers. The Vets know who they are.



Icehouse's Selections:
I'm just so damn proud that my little experiment has gotten this far. There were times when I thought it was dead, a lost hope, but that was nonsense. We're here now, with the world at our feet. Sort of.

Without further ado, here are my favorites:
Stovall's BoSox Fans Show Their True Colors:
It's got it all in a true Zack Stovall post. Clever pictures, A+ insight, and a wonderful analysis of a sports phenomenon. It's why we pay him the big bucks, folks. The cleverness of the wordsmithery, combined with the rational mind needed to analyze the most confounding of issues, be they political, sports-related, or trying to understand the inner-workings of the demented mindgrapes of myself and Lattimer, Stovall is the glue that holds us together.

Steve Lattimer's What in the Name of App. State is Parity?:
Rudimentary? Maybe. But this post dates back to the beginning days of this humble blog. Read it again (there's nothing else to do with it). It shows just how great the minds are that run this shit. We know this sports shit back to front. How do you think we get everything right all the time? Huh? You think that comes easy? Naw. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, y'all. And trust me, Lattimer's neck is aching with this weight.

Icehouse's Texas-Missouri Love-in:
We may get sidetracked by homerism from time to time (name me one good sports blogger that doesn't? Bill Simmons made his laugh of a career off of this). But anyways, when you come at the king, you best not miss. Somebody stepped to me. This is the retort to the claim made that Mizzou had a shot against the University of Texas.

Allen Houston's Cullen Jones...A Black Guy Who Can Swim (Fast!):
Of our four infrequent posters, I miss Allen Houston's input the most. Read this article, and you'll understand why. In this one coup d'gras, he brought more insight and social commentary to the table than the rest of our posts combined. He brought important moments in sports together with the most pressing matters facing the United States of America with unparalleled artistry. We can post pictures of drunk athletes and links to videos of fat kids getting shot with paintballs all we want, but when I can associate my blog to an essay like this, it means the world.

Don Delaware's Don Delaware Takes A Road Trip to Sunday Night Football:
Because when it's said and done, this is why we do this. We're fans. We shell out for modest seats, cheap beers and cheaper food, and we love to watch the game. We get bogus shirts, we yell and rant, and we tell John Madden to go fuck himself when he doesn't realize that we waited outside his bus to see him. We are fans of sports. It's why we do this.