Monday, December 1, 2008

Aggregated Assault: The Jeff Albertson Award


The Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens was a rousing success here at the Ghost of Roy Hobbs. Award winner Jamie Moyer was so enthusiastically honored by the accolade that he hobbled around the bingo parlor where he was residing, until that evil mistress gravity caused him to break a hip by slipping on a misplaced bedpan. Our condolences and congratulations to Mr. Moyer, who is tossing softballs in the off-season as a permanent resident at the Pleasant Forest Retirement Vista in sunny Philadelphia! Way to kick it up a notch, butterscotch.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards roll on. The second award is one of great anticipation, yet of great misery as well. The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 is one's chance to vent all of their frustrations on members of the athletic society that grind one's gears to the point of utter hilarity and/or murder. Jeff "Comic Book Guy" Albertson is a heinous figure. He embodies everything detestable in a human being: Fat, lazy, takes pleasure in hurting people's (specifically, small children's) feelings. Whenever anything good happens to him in The Simpsons, it is to piss us off even further (see: when he slept with Skinner's mother; when he slept with Edna Krabapple). He is evil, hate-filled, disgusting, and all-around useless.

Without further ado, the nominees are:

Stovall's Picks:

Brent Musburger: Granted, we could go on and on ad naseum about this guy, and Lattimer gave an awesome discourse on this guy previously, but the case can still be made. I hate this guy more than I hate anything. And there's plenty of stuff to hate in the world. Starvation, malnutrition, disease. The plague could come back, and if it took Musburger, I'd probably say, "You know, it's not that bad, guys."

It's not just the way he tries to dissect the psyche of every person involved with the game way too prematurely. "You've gotta wonder what Coach thinks about the strength of that defensive line," when there was a mere three yard gain. It's not the way he tries so verbally stick his elite nose in the air in a vain attempt to be the next Keith Jackson. No, it's his contract that kills me. ABC has a lock on the biggest games of the year. So when I wanted to see a Big 12 showdown between Oklahoma and Texas Tech, I had to watch it on mute. This guy is repugnant and offensive and I love Kirk Herbstriet because of it.

Pacman: Sorry, Dallas fans, I grieve with you. I can't stand this guy. Maybe I'm speaking out of rabid jealousy for not getting to play in the beloved league, but how many chances does one guy get? I saw this guy was trouble when he got drafted. Despite the decorum of the draft being reflected with fly suits and neckties, Pacman decides to break the culture barrier by donning several gold chains, a large WVU jersey, a fresh pair of Nikes, and a Crunk Cup.

While hilarious and appreciated as that was, how easy is it to do whatever the F you want and not get caught? Apparently, not easy enough, as Adam Jones is now one misstep away from working at Kenny's shoes for the rest of his miserable days. This case has the potential to turn around, but the forecast is looking doubtful. Stop stealing headlines, Pac. Collective media, you're on red alert on this one as well. No one cares.

And you're uglier than Marshawn Lynch, and that's saying something.

Arkansas (En Masse): This beef is personal. Arkansas fans can be some of the greatest fans ever. As annoying as it is unique, the Hog Call can be heard at numerous events other than University athletics, such as the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and weddings. The Razorbacks are literally a banner behind which the entire state can rally.

But nosce te ipsum, folks. Know thyself. While we are in what is regularly regarded as the best conference in college football, that does not mean we are elite by any stretch of the imagination. From the dregs of the long-forgotten Southwest Conference to the dregs of the SEC, what in God's name are we expecting? So please, for the love of God, drop the ego and accept that until some miraculous recruiting happens, we are not and will not be a top tier athletic institution and haven't the gumption to run off a coach who gets an average of 8.5 wins per season.

Yeah, I'm talking about Houston Nutt. I'm not the biggest fan of Nutt, but I sure as hell don't dislike him either. The man is having a "huge" success at Ole Miss now doing what he has always done. Nutt isn't going to win a national championship. He probably isn't going to win a SEC title. He will probably at most win a handful of SEC-western division championships. He will have ten-win seasons. He will have six of five-win seasons. But his average will be about 8.5 based solely on his ability to recruit. You're not going to be a top tier team, but you're going to sneak up and beat some teams that you shouldn't with Nutt at the helm (I point to Florida this year, and LSU last year).

But that wasn't good enough, was it Arkansas? You thought you were really something, so you hacked into his records and started rifling through his crap. Get over yourself, Natural State. We're a funky bunch, but that gives us no right to think we're some kind of school that can speak softly, and use our so-called "reputation" as our big stick.

Oh yeah, and while in the fall your Ozarks are lovely, but there are parts of southeast Arkansas that are so ugly, they make me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.

Lattimer's Picks:

So the topic is "Detestable appearance and personality."

Yes?

In my infinite wisdom, and continual quest to find myself, I have realized one thing: I have a love, hate relationship with sports figures.

Meaning I either love you, or I hate you.

But before we get to my selection I'd like to touch upon Stovall's nominee, Brent Musburger.

I was watching the OU-OSU game Saturday night, and of course whenever OSU is on TV there are 20 gratuitous shots of T. Boone Pickens.

However, at one point Musburger referred to the oil man/hedge fund manager as Boone T. Pickens.

This does not bother me because if one paid any attention to the election coverage one would realize that T. Boone was all over the place. This does not bother me because T. Boone spent $58 million dollars hawking his plan all over the TV in which every commercial opens with "Hi, I'm T. Boone Pickens." Hell, it doesn't even bother me that the ABC producer probably told Brent "Hey, talk about T. Boone."

What bothers me is this:

The f-ing stadium that Musburger is sitting in is called "Boone Pickens Stadium." Meaning that there is a big ass sign out in front saying "Hey, my name is T. Boone Pickens I gave a shitload of money to this university so I could get my name on this stadium."

We now know that Brent is not only a pompous prick, but he is also a grade-A American dumbass.
ABC probably has to quickly cut exchanges like this:

Brent: Wellll folks there's the olllllllleeeeee oil man Boone T. he's got that big ollllllleeeeeeee windmill plan. And let me tell you what Kirk those windmills are big, and I mean big, I mean when they go to the buffet, WATCH OUT!!!!!!!

Kirk: If Oklahoma wants to win this game they NEED to score more points than Oklahoma State.

Brent: Excellent point Kirk, but you have to wonder in this situation, I mean if Picken T. does build all of those big olllllllleeeee windmills what is going to happen in the future? I mean you have to wonder here what will happen when all the wind runs out. Now I THINK that we are going to be in the same situation we are in right now. I mean you have to wonder what if some other country has all the wind I mean we are just going to be dependent on somebody's wind, I mean you have to throw Canada into the picture here. And I mean you have to wonder if the wind runs out then ollllllleeeee Pickens T will be left with those giant, and I mean GIANT windmills in the middle of the country. And let me tell you what my friend, that is a problem that I WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE!!!!!!

Kirk: The reason Sam Bradford is such a good quarterback is his ability to throw the ball to his receivers.

But I digress, On to the nominees.

I'm going to stick with football for my picks mainly because baseball had a down year in hate.

Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.

However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.



Whoever hands out malicious hit fines in the NFL: I don't know who it is, but I do know one thing: As a child they were picked last in dodgeball every time.

Look, offensive players have enough to worry about. Some of them try to kill themselves, some shoot themselves in the leg, some are in prison because they let dogs fight each other, some think about their retirement/unretirement speeches, and some really have to focus on banging their Brazilian girlfriends. Do you really think they are concerned about getting injured during a football game? F no.

The fact of the matter is the NFL is protecting all these prima-donna offensive tool bags for the sake of marketability. Shit, I've seen worse in my Pop Warner practices. The best part is when the "experts" debate whether the hit was dirty or not. Excellent idea, because in the chaos that is a football game, I know as a player I always had time to think "Hey, should I take this guys knee out or not? hmmmmm ahhh fuck it, I'll just hit him." But I mean those NFL players are so much smarter, too. I bet they have minutes to think about that kinda stuff.

The BCS (Every member of the committee): Let me ask you a question. We have two teams, lets just call them Team A and Team FUBCS.

  • Both teams play head to head, neutral field, Team A wins.
  • However Team A loses away to a team (Team ARRRRR) however FUBCS beat Team ARRRRR at home.
  • So now they both have the same record.
  • Team A is better right?

Wrong, Dead wrong.

Yes Texas, just received a Texas-sized screw job this weekend, and this type of shit happens every year (not to mention Texas Tech wasn't even considered). The following is the proposal to start the BCS:

"Dude, dude, dude, F playoffs man. That's so NFL. No, no here is what we do, we let COMPUTERS decide who should play each other in a national championship game. What? No dude, computers are really smart. Mine even tells me when I spell shit wrong, trust me man computers are the future. TRUST ME MAN it will be just like when EA sports simulates a season."

And for those of you who have super duper magical number one playoff plans...It's not going to happen there is too much money involved and as long as some conferences are getting paid, they wont change until it's in their best interest. In my mind, the SEC championship is the National Title.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Icehouse's Picks:

I would like to elaborate on Lattimer's comments about the BCS. The only reason they keep the BCS is because the people in charge of the bowl games don't want to give up their nobility. They like being wined and dined all the time, and they somehow feel that being a semi-final game would take away form their luster.

Furthermore, you know those commercials where all the teams are running around, either in a maze, or fighting past each other in the streets, trying to get the championship trophy? Well it's not like that. A more accurate commercial would be all the teams go to a field, stick their respective thumbs up their respective asses, and wait for an alien spaceship to come and abduct two of them. The BCS computers care more about football and the playing thereof than the bowl committees, but it's a flawed system. It wouldn't be all that hard if you followed a simple formula:
  1. Football
  2. Everything else.
That's just too complicated, I guess.

Eli Manning: This guy never fails to piss me off. He looks stupid. He overthrows receivers, makes bad reads, and usually blames someone else when he does something wrong. He perpetually looks like he doesn't want to make money playing football. He's a pussy. He looks stupid. He's related to Peyton and Archie, yet has none of their trademark personalities. Peyton makes funny ads, Eli makes gay-ass ads for watches and other shit that I don't want to buy. Shockey didn't like him. He demanded a trade out of San Diego without having played a single down.

And yet… he wins! He wins all the fucking time! He for some reason stumbles ass-backwards into a situation where he gets to play with one of the best defenses, a running back who breaks people's collarbones when they try to tackle him, and a beast line. Anybody could do what he does, it'd be so easy. I could do it, and I'd look good doing it. New York would love me.

Mark Cuban: Owners should never be seen or heard. During the game at least. Fucking Cubes is a fat piece of white trash that found a billion dollars. That's all. I like the idea that an owner of a franchise cares a whole lot about his team, but sitting in the front row of every game with a jersey, while yelling at the refs is over the top. He does all this because HE wants to be the face of the team. It's all about HIM. I can't stand that. YOU are not a player. YOU have no discernible athletic prowess. You're rich, and the list of positives ends at that.

Put on a suit, go sit in the box, and act like you got some goddamn sense.

Hockey: The NHL. All of it.

The sport started out on thin ice with me (GET IT?) because I don't ice skate. I probably won't ice skate next time the opportunity is offered. So I have no frame of reference to begin with about this sport. Virtually every other sport in the world, I can sit down, start watching, and have some frame of reference, like, running. Ice skating? Sorry.

Continuing, if you ask your average hockey fan what the best part about the NHL is, at some point in time, the subject of fighting will be broached. This is the exact equal as saying that you like NASCAR for the crashes. It has nothing to do with the sport, it in fact detracts from the sport. It is allowed to increase viewership. Think about that for a second. To get people to watch our product, we're going to allow our athletes to throw down in fisticuffs whenever they feel like it. What does this say about the sport? It's an inferior product that has little to offer outside of bloodlust. What does it say about the intended market? They are low-brow degenerates who have no respect for athletic accomplishments, and the only way to get them to spend money is bloodlust.

SAME GOES FOR YOU, YOU NASCAR WATCHING DUMBSHITS!

Who do you think deserves The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

17 comments:

  1. Maybe Arkansas can have Les Miles as their trophy after LSU fires him for losing to the worst team in the conference....

    Pacman does what he wants and until he drunkenly run into and subsequently destroys the statue of Jerry Jones outside of the most expensive stadium of all time he will continue to play football in the NFL.

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  2. I vote for Big and Rich

    If Musberger is in a tiebreaker name him the winner

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  3. Just kidding, I couldn't say that with a straight face. I hate Brent Musburger. That guy's gotta burn.

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  4. Don Delaware hates John Madden.

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  5. I hate everything there is about the Big Ten.

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  6. Ehh yo....let me speak on this. While John Madden has turned into an old codger (He wouldn't call a Sunday night game because it was too far of a bus ride....wait What?) I nominate the ENTIRE CBS announcing crew**. Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Dan Dierdorf, Greg Gumble, Seth Davis, Clark Kellog, Jay Bilas and Billy "God Damn I Love the Big 10 more than Vitale loves the ACC" Packer. This select group have gained notoriety for not only harping on the one statistic they researched, but also for their horrible slant towards a team or specific player during the game.

    **While i did say entire, Gus Johsnson and Dick Enberg are not faggots and therefore cannot be included.

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  7. I can't believe we missed Vitale.

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  8. Ok I know you guys are going to tar and feather me on this....but I love Vitale, I think its because we both like Duke and we both slurp up Coach K. I actually enjoy his voice. To me he is kinda like that crazy uncle, that whenever you see him explains "hey who's your favorite uncle"

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  9. Dick Vitale has a fake eye. So did Columbo and Sammy Davis, Jr.

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  10. my vote is split between the BCS, the dirty hit fines, and Cowboy Troy. I heard that song the first of the season while getting dressed for a game. I stopped tying my tie and just sat....sat for a long time wondering why the hell that has anything to do with football or heterosexuality in general...

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  11. and I also nominate (and I hope this stirs some talk) the NFL only broadcasting 3 games some sundays. 2 noon games on CBS and FOX. then one of the them will show a late game while the other shows the nation bullriding association or drive through the woods motocross. seriously? this is bullshit, and it should not stand.

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  12. I nominate people who wear ties to football games.

    Douchebags.

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  13. Here, here. People who wear neckties to football games are people who are there to be honored in a Ring of Fame or something, and even then it's only if they're really old. The newer guys rock tee-shirts that say "Classy enough to throw some pads on if I need to."

    I also nominate people who only agree with Lattimer's narrow point of view.




    Devin = pwnage.

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  14. Devin can't help it if I provide hard hitting commentary on the current state of football.

    I also agree on the NFL games, but you just have to accept that the NFL owns our souls.

    However, Devin you can do something about the ties, it's in your hands. Another thing Ole Miss fans may want to look at is actually attending the game.

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  15. I've attended all games for the required 60 minutes of playing time. there's quite a few other people you should have some words with though. And, I was inducted into the ring of fame.

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