Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Aggregated Assault: The Festivus Airing of Grievances

December 23rd - just to get a leg up on Christmas - has been reserved in the lexicon of American culture as a day to remember all of the ways the people in your world have disappointed you over the past year. It is as day to embrace the feats of strength that bind us in our humanity. It is a time to not be distracted by tinsel, decorations, or pine needles.

This day is Festivus.

So in the good and merry traditions with which properly celebrating this noble festivity is duly associated, so we shall adhere. By airing our grievances, we are truly giving the only gifts that matter to our dear associates: a heavy dose of common sense, reality, and a stark realization of their seemingly endless amount of ineptitude. They are as follows:

  • Oklahoma gets what's coming to them
  • Roger Clemens gets clean urine
  • Travis Henry gets a slap on the wrist
  • Tony Romo gets a better girlfriend
  • Al Jefferson and Kevin Durant get traded (not for each other, just off of their respective shitty teams that are never on tv)
  • Charles Barkley gets elected (don't care where, don't care to what, don't care how)Jay Mariotti gets robbed, beaten, and left for dead
  • Marion Barber gets some peace and fucking quiet for once in his goddamn life
  • Stephon Marbury gets a contract in Italy
  • GRH gets articles from all seven authors in the same week
  • The Spurs get one more championship
  • The Rockets get one healthy season out of both Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming
  • Vince Young gets redemption
  • Pacman Jones gets a 13th step
  • ESPN gets competition
  • David Lee gets 5 minutes in Marion Barber's quiet utopia
  • Nate Robinson gets a jumpshot
  • Michael Jordan gets humility
  • Monta Ellis gets a car, instead of the moped he hurt himself on
  • The Grizzlies get Pau back instead of Marc
  • Soccer gets a foothold
  • John Daly gets another round
  • Eli Manning gets facial hair
  • Matt Ryan gets a rap CD
  • Lions get a win
  • Boston gets Tolerable fans
  • Virginia tech gets an offense
  • Houston Nutt gets star 87
  • Brent Musberger gets announcing ability
  • Auburn gets a 2008 Calendar
  • Tim Tebow gets a beer
  • Willis McGahee gets a prophylacticr
  • Brett Favre gets a free condo at The Villages (Florida's friendliest hometown)
  • Lendale White gets nutra-slim
  • Mike and Mike get a clue
  • Skip Bayless gets logic and reason
  • Joe Paterno gets respect…Seriously
  • The BCS gets fucked
  • Mike Vick gets a free session with Ceasar Milan
  • ESPN gets a trip back to 1997
  • Jerry Jones gets a soul
  • Pittsburgh gets a better mascot than Steely McBeam
  • John McCain gets the funk (gotta have that funk)
  • USC gets a legitimate excuse as to why they were defeated by Oregon State's lilliputian tailback
  • Santonio Holmes gets a contract from Vivid TV
  • Donovan McNabb gets a Caucasian Benefit of a Doubt (Kevin Kolb is your answer? Seriously?)
  • Chicago gets the Goat-Slayer 3000; It slices! It dices! It juliannes!
  • Ken Griffey Jr. gets some form of a dignified exit from the MLB
  • Heath Ledger gets an Academy Awar - oooo too soon?
  • Arkansas gets nothing. Nothing at all.
  • Rich Rodriguez gets a team that doesn't look mentally handicapped
  • Ike gets Tina back...from the graaave
  • Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, and Mike Meyers all get movies that don't make me miss my childhood
  • Bill Clinton gets a BJ. Looks like Santa came early this year. Ahthankyou.
  • Rihanna gets everything she's already got, because I'll be struck by a lightning shark before that lady puts out a bad song
  • Emmitt Smith gets a muzzle in order to maintain a shred of credibility
  • Woody Paige gets a Silky's Diver
  • Tom Brady gets a sack that isn't void of testicles
  • Barack Obama gets Nicorette. Yes, We Can (Do It and Nicorette can help)
  • OJ gets a fair trial (had the first one been fair, there wouldn't have needed to have been a second)
  • Bobby Petrino gets a five-year lease on his home
  • Claymation gets a comeback!
  • Popping gets locking
  • Steve Nash gets a late night talk show
  • Darren McFadden gets literacy
  • Anquan Boldin gets screwed (pleasurably) for each of the 31 screws (literally) in his face
  • Michael Jackson gets redeemed. Thriller. Period.
  • Detroit gets a working economic structure
  • David Stern gets street cred
  • Charlie Weis gets a physique that isn't so often described as "planetary"
  • Jay Cutler gets a pat on the back from Wilford Brimley
  • Matt Leinart gets a pat on the back from Jay Cutler
  • Ireland gets 24 hours of sobriety
  • Football gets a name that better describes the game itself. You only kick it at most twenty times a game, which accounts for roughly eleven seconds of game time. Let's call it Smashball and be done with it.
  • Adrian Peterson gets a team that can stand winning.
  • Tennessee gets in-state recruiting that's worth anything at all.
  • Bawston gets an accent that isn't immediately offensive
  • Mark McGuire gets into the Hall of Fame (by smashing a hole in the side wall)
  • Dante Culpepper gets a flux capacitor back to 2003
And finally, true sports fans everywhere get the ability to physically join to get to create one large moving leviathan organism that is roughly the size of a large skyscraper that can run at Boeing speeds. This ability will also allow the collective organism, known as the Keeper of Justice for Planet Earth will rid the world of the BCS once and for all. It will also toss Jay Mariotti somewhere in the vicinity of the Asteroid Belt outside Mars' orbit, and then it's going to have sex with a volcano.

Put that in your stocking. There it is. And a mighty fine Airing of Grievances it was. If there are anymore you'd like to add, do so in the comment section. If that doesn't float your boat, go screw yourself in the earhole.

So polish your poles, and be sure to stretch before your respective family's Feats of Strength. Happy Festivus everyone.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs


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  2. already knew that.

    Stop posting links in the comments section. That's what our email address is for.

  3. David Stern has street cred. He has lots of black friends.

  4. Also, I believe you forgot the "Emo Yao" tag.