NFL CRIME WATCH: Plaxico Burress

Take a bow, Plax. This is one for the ages.

Plaxico... Plaxico... Plaxico.

What in the world, dog?

You, my friend, have not tried your best this year. There's been fines, suspensions (which we covered as best we could), and now this. For real, man.

Friday night, around 11:30 p.m., Plaxico and Giants LB Antonio Pierce went clubbing. All was well, they were having a great time, until witnesses reported a "popping sound" coming from Plaxico's pants. Instead of the popping being accompanied by the customary locking, a bloody pistol fell out of Plaxico's pants. Just after this, Plaxico reportedly said, "take me to a hospital." Wise move.

However! They decided to delay the hospital visit for around two hours, first so Pierce could run back to New Jersey and hide the gun, and second, so they could find a hospital friendly enough to not report the gunshot wound, as is law in New York.

Plaxico checked into New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center under the name "Harris Smith." This move alone shows he has at least more smarts than Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. The hospital did not report the incident, a misdemeanor which Mayor Michael Bloomberg is vehemently pursuing as well (Bloomberg made the supression of handgun crime a hallmark of his administration).

Of course, when one is a much-heralded athlete in the largest media market in the United States, it's not to easy to remain incognito, and the cover was soon blown. Plaxico (who was already out for the game Sunday against the Redskins) turned himself in to a Manhattan precinct Monday morning. Plaxico could have avoided a perp walk by going straight to central booking, but, you know, it's Plaxico.

So now he faces two felony counts of criminal possession of a firearm, with each conviction carrying a minimum of 3 1/2 years.

Nightclubs, the NFL, and guns rarely go well together, but this is easily the first self-inflicted wound, which is just unreal. First, why is there a round in the chamber? Second, why is the safety off? Notice I declined to question why he had a gun with him in the first place, since I'm tired of asking that question.

Now, Plaxico had a concealed handgun permit in Florida (which has since expired) so we can assume he went through some sort of safety class. But also, even the worst gun crimes involving NFL players have also involved a second in whose hands the firearm in question resided (see: Jones, Pacman; Johnson, Tank). Oldest rule in the book, Plax. Get your boys to carry the heat for you.

I'm also pretty upset with his choice of representation. Benjamin Brafman, a worthy associate I'm sure, first gave the Terrell Owens defense while arguing for no bail, saying, "He has 35 million reasons to come back to court." Last I checked, TO's bitch of a P.R. rep caught hell for saying that. Why repeat it? Brafman also likes to end every sentence with, "I think," as in, "He's a good person I think." THIS IS NO TIME FOR INNUENDO! Either get with the program, and affirm that your client is a good person, or shut the fuck up. You're not doing him any favors the way you're going.

All in all, Plax is the one guy on the Giants I like (outside of Aaron Ross), and I think a slug to the leg whilst looking most ungangster should be punishment enough.

Threat level: Hoobler (you thought I was going to say Cheddar Bob, but in addition to 8 Mile, I've seen Band of Brothers also, and this is way deeper).