I had a dream last night...

So I had this dream last night. I was playing tennis with Allen Iverson on a blue court. He was decked out in the old school Reebok "Answ3r" gear. He had a mean drop shot and a dirty spin serve.

Anyway, we got to talking after our game. He said he was just happy to be competing in something other than basketball, because there's too much stress on him when he hoops. I said that the game will always be part of him, and gave him this theory that I had.

The theory was that if Rasheed Wallace wasn't in the NBA Finals right now, he'd be in a playground somewhere in a tank top, jacking threes, dunking, taking sips off of a brew and talking mad shit. Basically, that the game's a part of him and that even if he wasn't making millions of dollars, he'd still be doing it.

Allen Iverson responded with, "No, Sheed would be a jiu jitsu instructor. You know, with a tight-ass 'fro."

If anyone can tell me what any of this means, it would be a big help.

Caption Contest!

"Has anyone seen Plaxico?"

or...

"Rhett Bomar, this is Eli. You'll get along because you were both great college quarterbacks."
/laughter

or...

"This first drill is the hot dog sprint. You sprint 20 yards, eat a hot dog. Sprint another 20 yards, eat two hot dogs, and so on, until you get to five hot dogs."

Giants training camp has got to be full of jokes. Have at it.

NFL CRIME WATCH: Plaxico Burress

Take a bow, Plax. This is one for the ages.

Plaxico... Plaxico... Plaxico.

What in the world, dog?

You, my friend, have not tried your best this year. There's been fines, suspensions (which we covered as best we could), and now this. For real, man.

Friday night, around 11:30 p.m., Plaxico and Giants LB Antonio Pierce went clubbing. All was well, they were having a great time, until witnesses reported a "popping sound" coming from Plaxico's pants. Instead of the popping being accompanied by the customary locking, a bloody pistol fell out of Plaxico's pants. Just after this, Plaxico reportedly said, "take me to a hospital." Wise move.

However! They decided to delay the hospital visit for around two hours, first so Pierce could run back to New Jersey and hide the gun, and second, so they could find a hospital friendly enough to not report the gunshot wound, as is law in New York.

Plaxico checked into New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center under the name "Harris Smith." This move alone shows he has at least more smarts than Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. The hospital did not report the incident, a misdemeanor which Mayor Michael Bloomberg is vehemently pursuing as well (Bloomberg made the supression of handgun crime a hallmark of his administration).

Of course, when one is a much-heralded athlete in the largest media market in the United States, it's not to easy to remain incognito, and the cover was soon blown. Plaxico (who was already out for the game Sunday against the Redskins) turned himself in to a Manhattan precinct Monday morning. Plaxico could have avoided a perp walk by going straight to central booking, but, you know, it's Plaxico.

So now he faces two felony counts of criminal possession of a firearm, with each conviction carrying a minimum of 3 1/2 years.

Nightclubs, the NFL, and guns rarely go well together, but this is easily the first self-inflicted wound, which is just unreal. First, why is there a round in the chamber? Second, why is the safety off? Notice I declined to question why he had a gun with him in the first place, since I'm tired of asking that question.

Now, Plaxico had a concealed handgun permit in Florida (which has since expired) so we can assume he went through some sort of safety class. But also, even the worst gun crimes involving NFL players have also involved a second in whose hands the firearm in question resided (see: Jones, Pacman; Johnson, Tank). Oldest rule in the book, Plax. Get your boys to carry the heat for you.

I'm also pretty upset with his choice of representation. Benjamin Brafman, a worthy associate I'm sure, first gave the Terrell Owens defense while arguing for no bail, saying, "He has 35 million reasons to come back to court." Last I checked, TO's bitch of a P.R. rep caught hell for saying that. Why repeat it? Brafman also likes to end every sentence with, "I think," as in, "He's a good person I think." THIS IS NO TIME FOR INNUENDO! Either get with the program, and affirm that your client is a good person, or shut the fuck up. You're not doing him any favors the way you're going.

All in all, Plax is the one guy on the Giants I like (outside of Aaron Ross), and I think a slug to the leg whilst looking most ungangster should be punishment enough.

Threat level: Hoobler (you thought I was going to say Cheddar Bob, but in addition to 8 Mile, I've seen Band of Brothers also, and this is way deeper).

Holy Sh*t! The NBA season is two weeks old!

It’s been pretty good, too.

So far in the short season, there’s been a few surprises, and a few not-so-surprises.

First and foremost, the not-so-surprises. The best teams in the league are apparently the Celtics and Lakers. This, of course, is probably because neither team lost anybody of note (the C’s losing James Posey being the only notable difference). But Bynum is back healthy for the Lakeshow, Pau is playing like he grew a pair, and Kobe is Kobe. For the Celtics, Kevin Garnett is struggling just a little bit, but every time he gets into a shooting slump, he more than makes up for it in every other facet of his game. Also, Big Baby Glenn Davis seems to have found a stroke, so that’s helping out.

Other non-surprises would be Detroit and Cleveland playing well, and there’s really nothing you can say about that.

The Blazers are somewhere in the middle, they’ve won some big games (Brandon Roy’s blood is apparently made of ice after seeing the Blazers OT win over the Rockets), but you’ve also got to say that Greg Oden getting hurt again is a non-surprise that’s going to hurt them once they start needing some beasty shit in the middle.

Surprises, on the other hand would be thus:

First, the Texas teams, long considered to be the toughest road trip in the game, are all playing like ass. The Rockets lead this bunch of underachievers at 4-3. I’d expect them to keep that clip for the foreseeable future. The Mavs are fucking lazy, that’s all there is to say about them. The Spurs have been without Manu and Fabricio “Oh Boy!” Oberto, and despite Duncan playing like the hall-of-famer that he is, their only win came off of a 55-point Tony Parker performance to beat the Timberwolves in 2OT. The Spurs should not be taken to OT by the goddamn Minnesotans. Now T-Pizzle is down with an ankle injury, so now they don’t know what the fuck to do.

The Knicks are playing well. Starbury hasn’t seen a second. Makes sense, I guess.

Anybody want to guess who has got the best record in the East right now? The Hawks. Probably won’t stay like that forever, but they’re playing pretty damn well on the back of Joe Johnson. The Western equivalent could be the Grizzlies, who have the eighth spot right now. I say this because both teams are freakishly athletic, and they play like it.

Two Eastern playoff teams have the worst records in the East. Philly and Washington are both playing like total ass right now.

And now, to discuss the trade. Allen Iverson for Mr. Big Shot Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess. Man. Now the Answer is in Detroit, where he is definitely the man. Billups gets to return to his hometown, and while he and Dice both played on the Nuggets together back in the day, Dice was subsequently thanked by getting his ass waived. Chris “The Birdman” Andersen 1, Antonio McDyess 0. It’s tough to say who got the better end of this deal. Detroit inherits the prolific scoring machine that is Allen Iverson, and Denver gets rid of Iverson’s huge ass contract, and gains Chauncey. Considering how they didn’t have a true point guard, and they get maybe the one guy you can trust with this position at all points of the game, it’s not too bad of a gig. I’d say the real winners were the TV watchers that got treated to Iverson’s career highlight real, that included AI shaking Jordan out of his shoes, and of course, the “Cold as Ice Stepover” of Tyronn Lue.

In your face, Tyronn.

The next big trade that may happen is Charlotte is looking to deal Gerald “G-Force” Wallace. Good call, MJ, getting rid of the best player on your team usually benefits, right?

Anyways, keep an eye out for games. I highly recommend any Blazers or Hawks games. Guaranteed you will see a few highlight dunks in both.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

"Hey Hey. BABAAAYYYYY! Newport News in tha hizouse! What? I got traded to Detroit? Mothaphuckas! I'ma half to play defense now."

Which is my way of saying that Friday is upon us. Let's see what's in store in this magical journey of fun.

We've had a lot of fun with Yao Ming. Truly, he is a great player, but for real, dog. If your height is 75% of the height of the rim, this should never happen to you. Or this, for that matter.

All readers of our sites know that we love sports commercials. We even fancy ourselves experts on the fact. However, some European weiners called WPP decided that this is the best sports commercial of the year. They may be right.

And now we have the Power Team. They're Juiced for Jesus. They're Crunk on Christ. They're injected with the Holy Spirit! They're... nuts. Behold: the glory of the Power Team!

Here is something bizarre from Europe.

With the absence of the Answer in Denver, it is now all Carmelo's team. Between having ups and downs with getting suspended, getting pulled over, winning a gold medal, Carmelo needs some stability in his life. Which is why he opened a barber shop in Denver. It may also be why he cut off his trademark 'rows. Of course, EA Sports has a different reason.

Yeehaw. I'm going to get weird here for a while, I'll catch you guys on the flip side.

Plaxico Burress Adresses His Suspention

I spose to be the franchise player and we in here talkin bout practice. not a game! not a game! We talkin bout Practice, man! We talkin bout practice, man! We talking bout practice, man! We talkin bout practice! How the hell can I make my teamates better by practicin'!