Thursday, December 13, 2007

Monday, December 3, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

One of these days, we're going to have to stop cranking dat

Well, the thing is, we had a third KG reference, so we needed to have a third Soulja Boy reference. I fear that we are now a two-trick pony.
Regardless, Texas Tech handed it to Oklahoma last night. I don't mind Tech, and I have love for anyone who beats Oklahoma (in the words of, you can't spell loudmouth douchebags without three ou's). Most of Tech's success this year is due to freshman Michael Crabtree. So, some enterprising wankstas took it upon themselves to appropriate the most overplayed song in homage to him. My favorite part is people doing the crab pinchers in what looks to be an Applebee's. Enjoy.

Memories of the Kid and Starbury

You may have noticed how much Kevin Garnett appears on this site, and if you don't understand why, you can go straight to hell. Anyways, this commercial is one reason to love this man. It's also another reason to love seeing Stephon Marbury on TV.
Right now, there are rumors of the Knicks buying out Starbury's contract to move him. There are also rumors that the Celtics may try to acquire him for the league minimum. For those of you who don't remember the Timberwolves with both of these guys, I have just one message: Pray for this to happen.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

This is for all of US.

There has been a whole lot of talk about Boston sports in the past couple of weeks. I normally don't mind this too much, because at least the Red Sox aren't the Yankees, and at least the Patriots have sucked for decades. But this new breed, this breed of Celtics fans, has me a little irked. Someone said to me the other day that Boston is the "center of the sports universe." Fine. All your teams are great right now, congratulations. But I want to remind everyone who thinks that the Celtics are just reaffirming your imagined sports prowess, that this team isn't about you. It isn't about Boston. This year's Celtics are about all of us.
Now there may be three or four people in Boston that actually cared about the Celtics since the last of their white players left (that's right, I called Bostonians racist), but I doubt that it extends farther than Daniel Stern and Dan Akyroyd's characters from "Celtic Pride." In fact, I heard the following statement last time I was on Com Ave: "Pahppy's the shit! Tahm Brady is Gahd! The Celtics? Who gives a fack about the fackin' Celtics!?!" Needless to say, between losing my chess match at Au Bon Pain, and then only finding dweebs around me, I was a little flummoxed.
Now, all of a sudden, they're back to caring about the Celtics. This irks me. Where were y'all for the days of Toine, Wally, and the rest of those folks? Nobody gave a fuck about the C's for more than a decade. Paul Pierce was playing every single game after having been stabbed. Playing after having been stabbed to just try and salvage the reputation of the Celtics. Trying after being stabbed to save some face for all of you fucking fairweather-fan piece of shit assholes.
I'm all for people being a fan of this team, but there is something that some people in this world (Bill Simmons) needs to realize: This isn't for Boston. Boston doesn't deserve this team. Boston is probably the last place that deserves to have this team fall into their laps. This team is for all of us. Me, you, everyone who watches sports. Not fucking Boston.
See that picture above? You see the look on KG's face? He is happy to be playing the game. More importantly, he is happy to be playing for the United States. This is the kind of guy that will never let you down, because he just doesn't know how to. KG plays with the love and passion for the game that nobody has seen, possibly ever. In addition to being better than virtually everybody at basketball (Carpenter Jesus and Michael Jordan might be the only ones better), he brings things to the team that people gripe about not seeing in pro sports. Love, loyalty, freedom, teamwork, happiness in wins, sadness in losses, and most importantly, flavor.
I can handle Bostonians claiming to always be about Ray Allen, because he went to UConn. UConn's in Boston, right? In fact, why don't we go ahead and rename New England 'Boston'? It kind of makes sense. Anyways, to people who didn't know, Jesus Shuttlesworth is from South Carolina, like KG. If anything, the Celtics are for South Carolina more than Boston.
And back to P-double. From Watts. Went to Kansas. Grew up hard, rough, and now is finally paid for doing what he's always done. These three guys have suffered. Suffered more than Boston fans did in the nineties. Ray Allen's best chance in the playoffs were with the Bucks, alongside Sam Cassell, Tim Thomas, and Darvin Ham. Ray was subsequently thanked by getting dumped for Desmond Mason and half a year of Gary Payton. KG has been an MVP, and has dragged a shitty team, kicking and screaming, to the Western Conference Finals. He has suffered through a team giving up a lot of draft picks because they gave illegitimate money to JOE FUCKING SMITH. These three guys have earned everything good that can happen to them, and the Boston Celtics are just a conduit. Merely a means to an end, nothing more.
This team isn't Boston's. It belongs to south-central L.A., to South Carolina, to Coney Island, N.Y., to everybody that has ever wanted good things to happen to good people. This team is about the greatness of basketball, and as the above picture suggests, the United States of America.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The only reason Kansas is undefeated

I'm trying to figure out how this guy got to Kansas. Did he get really baked some time ago and just start wandering? Is the magical forest from the movie "Rolling Kansas" real? Either way, White Owl can sure cut a rug.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

1 reason to watch Hockey (on that rare tuesday/wednesday football isnt on)

“dude hockey is gay… they’re Canadian…I don’t understand it” in the words of Eli FUCK YOU. I honestly don’t really like the NBA. I’ve been to many grizzly games and consider myself a part of “Griz nation” that extends all the way to Collierville, but I’m a griz fan in the same way that Randy Quaid was a fan of the Cleveland Indians…still resentful of no basketball in St. Louis. So what did I watch during the winter…College basketball.

But seriously prior to the strike I watched hockey. Why? TONY FUCKING TWIST say what you want about the Blues but we always had hardasses like the “Twister” the best times of my life(doing homework during winter) were spent watching Tony Twist and Kelly Chase on the same line ending fights that Tyson Nash had started. Look at the video the guy fucking studies his opponents not to score goals, but to beat the everliving shit out of them and destroy opposing teams morale. How can you not appreciate a sport where there is a specific role on a team for a guy who can go roadhouse on some dudes face. Tony Twist is the only reason I watched and still view hockey. **Twister Update** He now owns a cigar shop on the southside of St. Louis

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Return of the NBA, and you got 30 reasons to watch


Fuck yes.


The National Basketball Association returns on Tuesday. No more pining for offseason trade rumors, no more youtubing funky dunks, no more wishing or waiting. The L has returned to entertain and enthrall.

This is probably falling on deaf ears to most people who are reading this, to which I have three things to say:
-If you don't like the NBA, you are very possibly racist. I know you're not trying to hear that, but the fact remains, you might have a subconscious aversion to seeing too many African Americans at one time, a comfort threshold if you will. Watch that video at the top again. Do you see a couple of guys joking around? Does it amuse or anger you? Think really hard.
-If you think the college game is better than the NBA game, you don't really know basketball, but I applaud your effort. The tournament is great, but I can only watch low-scoring, bricklaying, and lay-ups for so long.
-If you are unsure as to whether or not you like, or could like the NBA, I have compiled a list of 30 reasons to watch. Coincidentally, each of my reasons is an NBA team. There are 30 of them. 30 really good reasons to watch.

1. Boston Celtics
I know, I know. Too old, the big three can never play together, not enough bench depth, it failed for the Rockets. All I can say is that all of those excuses or questions are bullshit. These guys aren't old, they're in their prime. Their PRIME. People that say that they can't play together are confusing these three guys with Kobe Bryant. Not only can they play together, they play with one goal: to win. Nothing else. No personal glories matter to Garnett, Pierce, or Allen. You say to KG, "pass to Paul and we win" guess what's going to happen? You're going to see the best pass you've ever seen. These three guys are loyal, nice, fan-friendly, helpful to organizations, and have just had bad luck with the teams they've been on. Furthermore, they all have plenty of playoff experience, and have actually a halfway decent bench to back them up now. As much as I don't like the Red Sox or Patriots, I want to see the Kid, the Truth, and Jesus Shuttlesworth win rings. They, more than any other three people in the NBA, deserve them.

2. New York Knicks
Two words: Car Crash. Everybody rubbernecks as they pass a bad car crash, and that's what we will be doing this year with the Knicks. Man, just when you thought things couldn't get worse in the Garden, a woman sues the whole establishment for sexual harassment. It will actually be nice to see this team play basketball, just to see if they remember that it's what they get paid to do. Still, there's something alluring about this team. Little Nate Robinson jumping over people to get rebounds. David Lee playing hard on every play. Stephon Marbury (if you have not already done so, go to and search for the 'Starbury Blogs.' It's well worth your time). And finally, Zach Randolph, simply an amazing offensive player.

3. Toronto Raptors
T-Dot hasn't really been fun since Vince Carter left, but after winning the division last year, things might actually be worth something in the great white north. Bosh is a great player, but doesn't respond well to double teams or zones. It will be interesting to see how he gets better this year. T.J. Ford remains one of the most electrifying players in the game. If you like to see teamwork, watch T.J. Ford. I think he racks up as many assists as he does just for fun. The rest of the team are great players that deserve more attention. Andrea Bargnani could end up being better than Dirk. Jose Calderon is a big, physical point guard who will be integral in Spain's international success, at least until Ricky Rubio grows up.

4. New Jersey Nets
Vince Carter, Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson. Seriously. In your face fun. Complimenting those guys are several young players that can be fun also.

5. Philadelphia 76ers
If you don't like watching Andre Iguodala play then fuck you.

6. Detroit Pistons
Oh yeah. Team players, great shooters. Passing, defense. More importantly, they have the three most entertaining words to say in basketball history: Rasheed. Muhfuckin. Wallace. Not only do I have a need for 'Sheed, but this team also has some other really entertaining players. Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton. Also, Jason Maxiell is really starting to scare some people. He plays mad D, is super athletic, and will bring down a Shock and Awe dunk once a game.

7. Chicago Bulls
Kanye West. Wait, nevermind. Seriously though. No other team combines youth, speed, and shooting. You like Ben Wallace, you like Tyrus Thomas, you like Ben Gordon, you love Luol Deng. You don't know that you do, but you do. Oh, and for all of you "the college game is better" people out there, we also have Joakim "Joke" Noah for you.

8. Cleveland Cavaliers
We are all witnesses. We are. Seriously. We watched a 22-year-old single handedly drag his worthless team to the NBA finals last year. It wasn't a great finals, but experience counts for something. A year older and a year wiser with a more mature and trustworthy Daniel "Boobie" Gibson will serve for some fun games. If you don't watch at least one full game with LeBron James in it this year, your Sports watching privileges will be revoked.

9. Milwaukee Bucks
Michael Redd is still inventing ways to score. Desmond Mason is a 50-point-dunk waiting to happen. Andrew Bogut is surprisingly good and fun. Finally "Easy Yi," Yi "Ginandjuice" Jianlin is the biggest question mark coming into this season. It will be great to see how he holds up in the best basketball league in the universe.

10. Indiana Pacers
Jamaal Tinsley is good. Troy Murphy put out a rap CD. Jermaine O'Neal is still great. These games will be must-sees for J.O. alone.

11. Miami Heat
Shaquille O'Neal. Say it with me now. Shaquille O'Neal. Oh yeah, Dwyane Wade, too. And wait, wait for it...RICKY DAVIS!!! Ricky Davis on this team is hilarious. I can't wait to see how he fits in. Finally, it's a contract year for Whit Eboy, White Chocolate himself, Jason Williams.

12. Washington Wizards
Antawn Jamison is in a contract year. Caron "The Koran" Butler is back for the attack. Finally, Gilbert Arenas (if you have not already done so, go to, look under "bloggers" and scroll down to Gilbert Arenas' blog. It is simply amazing). Gilbert Arenas will not rest until he wins every award someone said he couldn't win. That, and he drains 35-footers for fun.

13. Orlando Magic
I don't no why people aren't more excited about this team. Sports Illustrated doesn't even have them making the playoffs, which is just plain silly. They have an MVP candidate in Dwight Howard. They have the $100Million Man in Rashard Lewis. Not only that, but they have a fantastic point guard in Jameer Nelson, and good outside shooting. This team is a dark horse to get to the finals. If you haven't watched a full game with Shard or D-Howitzer, you are missing out. These two combined for more than 350 dunks last year.

14. Atlanta Hawks
Very rarely can anybody say this and be serious, but the Hawks have some good things happening. Al Horford is as NBA ready as they come. Acie Law IV is a good ballhandler, defender, and his ice-blood is already renowned in the Basketball universe. Joe Johnson is quietly becoming one of the best scorers in the league. And just to have some fun, Josh. Muhfuckin. Smith. Oh yeah, and Speedy Claxton.

15. Charlotte Bobcats
Well, still trying to get used to pro ball on tobacco road. Either way, if you like the college game, you have to love this team. Name a great college team from this century, and the BETcats have one of their players. I especially like the move that Jordan made to bring in Jason Richardson, who will provide stability and leadership. (un?)Fortunately for everyone, Adam Morrison will not be playing this year, for he his hurt. For a refresher, these are some people to watch: Gerald Wallace is a fantasy machine in the mold of Shawn Marion. Emeka Okafor. Matt Carroll, D-League success story.

16. Denver Nuggets
You don't want to love this team. Your every gut instinct wants to decry them as thugs, and locker room terrorizers. You are wrong. This might be the most exciting team in basketball. Carmelo Anthony. Allen "The Answer (to a question nobody asked)" Iverson. J.R. Smith. Kenyon Martin. Marcus "The Cambyman Can" Camby. Nene. Eduardo Najera. Enjoy.

17. Utah Jazz
I don't want to love this team. I've always hated the Jazz. But they have some really fun players. Deron Williams just plain makes plays. Andrei "AK-47" Kirilenko caused some problems for the team in the offseason, but he only plays hard. Hustle, defense, fast breaks are things that make basketball fun, and AK great. Carlos Boozer can score on anyone, and can keep anyone from scoring. Mehmet Okur is one of the hardest players to accurately match up with in all of ball.

18. Portland Trailblazers
You can feel sorry for Portland. But first, let yourself feel sorry for everybody who watches basketball to have ourselves deprived of "Grandpa" Greg Oden this year. He could have used this year to develop, etc. But first, make sure that you understand that they still have last year's Rookie of the Year, Brandon Roy, as well as Travis Outlaw and LaMarcus Aldridge. Top it off with Steve Blake, and you have a recipe for fun.

19. Seattle Supersonics
The best college basketball player in recent memory (Kevin Durant) is teamed up with a good point guard (Luke Ridnour) and another rookie with tremendous upside (Jeff Green). They may not be immediately good, but fireworks will happen. Kevin Durant's improvement will most likely slake our Grandpa Oden withdrawal.

20. Minnesota Timberwolves
You don't know who Al Jefferson is, but you will. Combine him with last year's dunk contest winner (Gerald Green), Randy Foye, Corey Brewer, and Sebastian Telfair, and there will be fun.

21. Phoenix Suns
Best team in the NBA. There it is, I said it. Steve Nash, Shawn "The Matrix" Marion, "That's" Amare Stoudemire, Raja "The Kobe Bitchslapper" Bell, Leandro "The Commodore" Barbosa, Grant Hill's last hurrah, and the impending posterization that is Alando Tucker. Learn it, live it, love it.

22. Golden State Warriors
Watch last year's first round demolishing of the heralded Mavericks to see why you will love every player on this team. Baron Davis rains from halfcourt to tie the game going into halftime. Al Harrington running the floor, getting boards, dropping 3balls. Captain Stephen Jackson. Say it one more time. Captain Stephen Jackson. It just makes you feel good inside.

23. Los Angeles Lakers
Andrew Bynum's getting better, and is already someone to plan around. Having said that, there is one story on the Lakers. Kobe Muhfuckin Bryant. Love him or hate him, there is simply nobody in the world better than he is at putting the rock in the hole. Every night, you will discover a new way to score by watching him. On a side note, his play on the USA team proved that he can be a team player with a higher goal.

24. Los Angeles Clippers
For me, a greater tragedy that Grandpa Oden's injury is Elton Brand's. With him, this could have been a playoff team. Still, three good reasons to watch this team. Cool-as-a-cat Cuttino Mobley, Corey Maggette, and rookie Al Thornton will all be fun to watch. Let us also not forget Tim Thomas.

25. Sacramento Kings
Ron Artest. Those two words say it all. He's great. Also, Kevin Martin is a sleeper candidate for the All-Star team.

26. Dallas Mavericks
You already know their story. You already know the main characters. You already know virtually everything there is to know about the Mavs. What you don't know is that this team always gets everyone's best, which means you will always see a good game when this team gets on the floor.

27. San Antonio Spurs
Champs. They still haven't gotten it done during an even-numbered year, but this year could be the one they turn the corner. They're bringing everyone back, which includes the big three and all of the players that made them great last year. Furthermore, Popovich has been spending time in Europe, learning things from fluid, pass-heavy offenses like Greece's Olympiacos, which could translate into rethinking how to defend the Spurs. Considering how nobody could figure out how to do that last year, and the fact that you also have to figure out how to score on the Spurs could very well cause trouble for everybody.

28. Houston Rockets
Yao Ming is still getting better, which is crazy. Tracy McGrady, when healthy and shooting well, is quite literally impossible to stop. Throw Steve Francis back into the mix, and the Toyota Center could be a hot spot deep into June.

29. New Orleans Hornets
They might be under the radar, but they are one or two pieces from being really good. Chris Paul is simply amazing, and Tyson Chandler is a force to be reckoned with down low. Nobody noticed, but he led the league in offensive rebounds last year.

30. Memphis Grizzlies
Ah, the Grizz. Hapless, maybe, but this year could be drastically different than last year. Pau Gasol is healthy, and balled out of control in the summer's European championships. Kyle Lowry is back, and nobody noticed last year, but man is he fun to watch. Finally, Mike Conley, Jr. is a dark horse for Rookie of the Year.

There you have it. Every team has something worth watching. You have every reason to watch. The NBA is coming, and whether or not you are ready for it, it will be great.

Tuesday, October 20, 8 p.m. Eastern, Blazers at Spurs, TNT. Welcome home.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dear Longhorns, Learn the steps better. Love, Warriors.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you not like Soulja Boy? Well, that's too bad, because even if you didn't like the Longhorns' rendition of the song, you very well might love Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington, and Baron Davis dancing to the same song, because frankly, they're better at it.

Not only is the dancing better (the dancing starts at around the 30 sec. mark), but they even go on to discuss the song's position on the charts. True fans.

Furthermore, I like this video because it shows team leader Baron Davis and Team Captain Stephen Jackson (I repeat, TEAM CAPTAIN STEPHEN JACKSON!) go on to actually share some pretty good leadership and advice with rookie Brandan Wright. Port Arthur, Texas in the house.

Monday, October 22, 2007

So much flavor, so little time.

In 2005, the Longhorns did this all the time, and Vince Young helped them win a championship. The dancing is still there, and it's nice to keep things loose, but I would rather not see this type of tomfoolery right before the 'Horns almost lose to UCF. Keep it gangsta, guys.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bad Blood in Las Cruces

How many different things are wrong with this clip? How many can you count?

First of all, the Kings and Mavs are playing in Las Cruces, New Mexico, home of New Mexico State. If you're wondering why that's going on, it's because it was Kings coach Reggie Theus' only coaching job before going to the Kings. Well, unless you count the role he played on "Hang Time," a Saturday morning program on NBC that came on just before "Saved By The Bell." The team of the high school that he coached was co-ed, played on a portable goal in what looked to be an alley, and the best player was a front-wedgied Anthony Anderson.

Digression aside, let's get to the actual fracas. Brad Miller gets tangled up on a rebound with a person who seems to be Nick Fazekas. Instead of just letting things go, he decides to drop Devin Harris, who had absolutely nothing to do with the play. Upon this, Josh "J-5" Howard thinks in pertinent that he run across the entire court (he really had nothing to do with the play) to sucker-shove Brad Miller twice.

The Role of Brad Miller:
Bitch moves. He attacked a player who had nothing to do with what happened. Furthermore, what happened was simply that he jumped into a guy, there was some contact, but had there been a call it would have been weak. At this seemingly normal occurrence on a court, Miller finds his best option to be assaulting the first person he finds in a Mavs uniform. Bitch move, Miller. This is should just be chalked up as reason #483,916 why I'm really happy that Brad Miller is no longer on Team USA.

The Role of Devin Harris:
Getting knocked to the ground, getting in the face of the guy that knocked him to the ground. All fine, since Harris didn't retaliate.

The Role of Josh Howard:
A team leader he felt the need to protect his teammate. I can understand this, but the double-forearm to the back of Miller seems a little trite. If he strikes the player in retaliation, it's gonna be a fine/suspension, so go for the gusto, or show some common fucking sense and get between the two.

This is all sorts of idiocy. First of all, this type of shit always happens to Brad Miller in preseason. Anyone remember when Miller pissed off Shaq, prompting him to take an attempted cold-cock sucker-punch haymaker at Miller? It was lucky for both players that Shaq airballed that punch. Miller would probably be dead or in a coma, and Shaq's career could have potentially ended (had Miller died for injuries sustained).

Furthermore, this is a preseason game in LAS CRUCES. This isn't the Garden, the Palace, the Q, nothing cool. This is the goddamn home of the New Mexico State Lobos. Shit, people, why? Is your manhood dependent on this Brad Miller? What remains of your manhood? J-5, you had time to think about your actions running the 80 feet to Miller. Hope you don't like money, homeboy, because you're looking at a fine and a suspension. Devin Harris, keep it real. Reggie Theus, get your team under control. If you can't control Brad Fucking Miller, what is Ron Artest going to do this season? Finally, it's not a real game, guys. It's preseason. Have you seen a football preseason game? Nobody tries. Follow their lead and stop taking it/yourselves so seriously.

The one bright spot of this is that it seems that Josh Howard now views himself as a team leader on the Mavs. This is good, because the Mavs need a leader to be playing on the court, and Dirk is not that guy. Take a backseat, you ugly Aryan asshole, J-5's in control of your team now.

Finally, I hope that this is not a harbinger of things to come, pretty much since the league averages one really bad fight a year. From the Malice at the Palace to last year's MSG Sissyfight, the league could do without lots of suspensions and bad blood. That being said, if a fight does need to happen, I want to see Knicks v. Hornets. Zach Randolph's got guns. Tyson Chandler grew up in Compton. That would be sweet.

In other news "The Boondocks" has returned. Monday nights at 10:30 p.m. central on Cartoon Network are when the new episodes come out. So far we've seen A Pimp Named Slickback (Katt Williams) in a hilarious performance, teaching Tom DuBois how to get his wife back from Usher. The previews from next week involve Ed Wuncler III (Charlie Murphy) and Gin Rummy (Samuel L. Jackson) stealing the Freeman's car, and Riley won't snitch. It's gonna be good.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Night Lights gets a touch of class

Guys, meet this asshole:

Yeah, that's right. Yours truly, El Jefe Gringo himself, filmed an episode of Friday Night Lights on Wednesday. It was some of the toughest acting I've ever done. I had to sneer at the other team for like, an hour. Then there was a fight scene where a coach has to hold me back. Then there's a scene where I'm in the background in pads during a football practice. Pretty sweet.

Here's the deal. I showed up at 9 a.m. They fed me breakfast, outfitted me in some gear that said "Larribee Athletics." I made sure I got a sleeveless shirt to show off the guns. We filmed a scene or two, then they fed us lunch. Then we went and did another scene or two, then we went home. Easy $75. Money for nothin and chicks for free.

Some observations/anecdotes.
In one scene, we were in the weight room. The weight room is filled with fake, plastic plates, resembling real ones. Needless to say, me and some other guys found this to be pretty funny. In one instance, we're throwing "45 lb" plates like frisbees. In another, it seems as though we are military pressing upwards of 400 lbs. Some of these scenes will probably be edited out because of our jackassery.

Del Valle, Texas smells like cat food and paint, and English is not the first language there.

Surprisingly cool guy I met: Riggins. The guy that plays Riggins. He was actually pretty cool for a guy with well-conditioned shoulder-length hair. He thought it was pretty funny that I noticed his work in Snakes On A Plane. He also found humorous the fact that Joey G. Daly IV took Riggins' line "Texas forever" and added "Mississippi for now." He ended up inviting some of us out to play football on Saturday.

Tyra is that hot in real life. She is a walking erection manufacturer.

Guy that I met that is not cool: Some fuckbag that plays a new character named Santiago. Every time he walked into a room, he started quoting Terrence and Phillip from South Park. Hey asslicker, 1997 called, they said it wasn't funny then and it's not funny now, numbnuts.

The guy that plays Coach Taylor is pretty funny off screen.

The coolest people around that set, far and away, are the stuntmen that do the football scenes. They're all former players for pretty big universities, all pretty humble, and just get paid to film football scenes for tv and movies. They just run plays and intentionally miss tackles or lay people out, etc. In one scene, where we're stretching before a practice, one of the actors (leading the stretching) said, "Ok guys, warrior one position" and did some Yoga move. This prompted on of the stuntmen to ask the entire cast, crew, etc., "What the Fuck are you doing?"

God willing, I will be back on the show, and eventually launch my long and illustrious acting career.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Did someone say Dirk, weird anti-smoking commercial?

Well, someone did, because that's what we're looking at now. I still can't figure out if those kids are smoking cigarettes or ciga-weed, but either way, if this is what commercials are like in Germany, I'd still rather watch this one that hear "This Is My Country" one more time.

Shawn Marion thinks he's the man

It has recently come out that Shawn Marion is demanding a contract re-up before it's due. He says that he wants $20 Million a year, for three years. This brings in a couple of interesting things about Marion, the Suns, and the whole concept of "The Man."

Nobody can deny that Shawn "The Matrix" Marion is a great player. He's averaged over 18 ppg, 10 rpg, and still manages to get 2 assists, 2 steals, and about a block and a half per game. Not only that, but he is solid, rarely injured, plays virtually every game, and plays almost 38 minutes a game. Definitely someone who any team can use. The question is, has his ego warped his sense of self-worth?

My guess is yes. The guy was a stud at UNLV, has been priceless as an All-Star highlight waiting to happen, and has earned every accolade given to him. Unfortunately, demanding that kind of contract on a team that has lots of great players is going to handicap his team, or force them to trade him.

His contract already is the most expensive on the Suns, and they will be owing him upwards of $16-$17 Million a year for the next three years. This is pretty crazy considering who else the Suns have, such as perennial All-Stars Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire, not to mention their stable of young players who can come in and wreck shop, such as Leandro "The Commodore" Barbosa. If the Suns, for some reason, adhere to this new contract demand, then the Suns will have to part with one or more of the players that have made them Championship contenders consistently for the last few years. For anyone to command that kind of control over a team's future, then you must, by all means, be the Man on that team.

Marion was great on the Suns before Nash and Coach D'Antoni showed up, no question. However, the team did not reach it's present caliber without D'Antoni, Nash, and Stoudemire. Stoudemire gets more points and rebounds, and Nash operates as the ringleader of the most entertaining show in the basketball universe (not to mention his back-to-back MVP seasons). So why does Marion want more money? In this offense, he is irreplaceable, but still scores most of his points off of putbacks (most people are worried about Amare on the boards), fast breaks (D'Antoni's philosophy and Nash's court vision), and wide-open three-pointers (Nash again). My guess is that either Marion wants to show the locker room who's boss, or is just plain greedy. Either way, that's not good for the team. Being the Man on a team would facilitate such actions, but you can't really say that Marion is the Man on the Suns. He is an invaluable cog in the gears of a great machine, but not the Man.

The Man could put up big numbers, put fans in the seats, be great for the community, etc. The one thing that the Man NEEDS to do is be the one reason that a team wins. You can't say that about Marion. You really can't say that about very many people in professional sports at all. this may be because the Man is only really applicable to basketball, because of its individual nature. There's eleven people on each side of the ball in football, and if one or two of them fail on a single play, it hinders the stars who could be the Man. Vince Young on the Longhorns, Michael Vick on the Hokies, those are the two that immediately come to mind, but we would be ignoring that both teams had a good line, good defense, good receivers, and a good running game. Both of those teams would have won without those two guys, just not as well.

Basketball is the one sport that you can go out and play one-on-one. It is the one sport that when the game gets on the line, you put the ball in your best guy's hands and watch the magic. Therefore, the Man can only truly happen in basketball. During this last season, only a few players were really the Man on their teams. Kobe, LeBron, KG, and the list gets sketchy from there. Kobe has handicapped his team with his enormous contract and locker room antics, but do you really want the ball in anyone else's hands? You could put any four guys on the court around him, and he would find a way to win. LeBron has a big contract, but the Cavs are for lack of a better word, stupid. He dragged a mediocre team to the finals by himself (with a little help from Boobie Gibson). Kevin Garnett has been the Man on the Timberwolves since he got into the league, and has been enough of a man to not gripe about the T-Wolves' idiocy, even take a pay cut, because he is so loyal and all he wants to do is win. The rest of the great teams were just that, teams. Dallas proved it could win without Dirk. Golden State overachieved with a collective effort, highlighted by Baron Davis' explosions. The Spurs were the Spurs, everybody played on that team. Gilbert Arenas went out, but the Wizards were still adequate until Caron "The Koran" Butler got hurt. Bulls, Pistons, Jazz, same story. Don't tell me that the Heat were no good because Wade went out. That team couldn't win, period.

For more examples, let's see. Tim Duncan on his first two championship runs, definitely was the Man. Allen Iverson when he took the 76ers to the finals, the Man. Shaq and Kobe, while both great, both needed someone else to get them to the promised land (Kobe hasn't done it, and Shaq needed great play from Antoine Walker, Alonzo Mourning, and Wade's floppery to win in '06). KG almost put his team in the finals a couple of years ago in an exhibition of what it means to be the Man. Hakeem the Dream was probably the Man on his two championships, and of course there was Jordan. Fiction generally gives us a good view of what it means to be the Man. Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game, definitely the Man. Jimmy in Hoosiers might be a stretch, but they only won the climactic game because of him. The best Man in all of sports, fiction or otherwise? None other than the Man himself, the Natural, Roy Hobbs of the Brooklyn Knights.

Friday, September 21, 2007

What in the name of App. State is Parity?

The talking heads at the WWL will use this term ad nauseum, but what does it really mean and do they even know what they are talking about. Well inspired by the mighty mountaineers I will give you my dissertation on the subject.
I assume when people talk about parity they mean that on any given Saturday any team can win, so why did this start and why is it happening? The first factor certainly has to be NCAA rule changes regarding scholarships. Teams are now limited in scholarships and can only travel 55? players for a conference game. Obviously this spreads the talent pool and deters super teams such as the Oklahoma's of the 60's and 70's. This aspect seems rather obvious and becomes the main factor for many "Expert's" analysis.

In my opinion its much more complicated. Quick history lesson: In the 1970's Mouse Davis implemented the "Run n Shoot" offense (read Steve Spurrier) which essentially spread the field vertically and laterally. from that point on the Spread philosophy was born. While many have adapted this philosophy it all really relies on the same principles. Many, however, could not, or did not run the ball effectively and so it became somewhat of a gimmick.

Fast forward to the mid 90's when Rich Rodriguez coached at (Northwestern I think) A QB misses the handoff on a simple zone play and ran around the end who was crashing on the back. (no idea if this is actually true) At this point one could argue the spread option was born. Many old option coaches will tell you they run the option (veer, midline, speed, load, etc) because of the strain it places on a defense, and in general the ability to do more with inferior athletes. And today coaches are adapting many old styles of football to spread formations that stress the defense on different levels. (Urban Meyer= singlewing and wishbone philosophies)

Now consider the rise in popularity of football, specifically in the level of involvement on all levels. In the modern game the need for hard nosed fullback is replaced by the speedy kid with hands, kids who were deemed to small by the coaches of yesteryear are now recruited in high school hallways. Even huge lineman are only valuable if they can move. In short a more diverse athlete is now playing football. Sure size and strength are always going to be factors in a player's "value" but speed is now becoming the trump card. Essentially now you have a situation where balanced offenses that stress defenses, coupled with a different type of athlete (especially QB's) allow for "inferior teams" to not only compete but to beat traditional powerhouses.

Football is a game of stealing. Meaning when someone develops a defense or strategy to control the new offenses everyone else will follow suit. (Oklahoma wishbone vs. Miami 4-3) football is ever evolving and certainly the game 20 years from now will look different than today's version.

So is the ever evolving X's and O's of football the answer for this assumed parity. Well kinda... one could always argue the actual scheme vs. the execution of said scheme. I think you also have to look at the evolution of S&C programs. Technology has its place, in relation to scouting opponents and its effect on schools' ability to recruit. With that being said, the spread offense that has the ability to run and pass effectively, get their athletes in space, control the game, and score (duh) is one explanation for the competitive balance in college football today.

When Starbury talks, you listen

Wanna know how to get your picture up in Carnegie Deli? Want to know how to be closer to God? Don't worry, Stephon Marbury is here to help. He keeps it together for a minute or so, and then the crazy starts spilling out.

Things have been jumping crazy in the NBA recently. Obviously, Grandpa Greg Oden hurt himself getting off the couch, but nobody ever said he wasn't injury prone. Andrei Kirilenko is doing what he does best: whining like a Russian bitch. He very well may stay in Russia instead of going back to Utah this year. Yi Ginandjuice finally decided to play in Milwaukee, even though he wanted to play in a city with lots of hot asian chicks.

I guess the Knicks are trying the hardest to stay in the news. They got Zach Randolph on draft night, which is ok, I guess. But, for a team that already has image problems, and lots of selfish players who seem to get violent often, Z-Bo just doesn't seem like a good fit. He seems like the kind of guy that will bring a gun to the MSG, to pop one of the refs, and conceivably Eddy Curry.

Isiah Thomas is definitely doing the most, though. His sexual harassment suit is one big comedy of errors. One, they called Stephon Marbury as a witness, which as we can see in the video, is probably trouble for everyone. That, and, he banged the accuser's secretary in a car behind a strip club.

I've never liked Isiah Thomas, and it kind of seems like he's in a big hole and he keeps on digging. In his deposition, he said it wasn't harassment to call the accuser a "bitch" because he's black. He says that if a white man calls a woman a bitch, it's inappropriate, but a black guy doing it is totally fine. Someone needs to get on the phone with Jena, Loserana and ask if they will accept Isiah in the place of the six kids.

Anyways, watch the video, around 3:35, Starbury shows us a dance move that keeps him closer to God. Free the Jena six.

Most kids piss their name in the snow...Scooter Biceps pisses his name into concrete.

Political commentary should be pretty easy. I mean, politics is stupid, hating should be a sinch. So how awesome was this video?
One word: BALLIN'. I've been waiting for some idealistic nut to get theirs in front of a national audience for sometime now, ever since I was told by a Beale Street evangelist that Jesus, in fact, did not turn water into wine and that I needed to learn about "that new wine." Needless to say when he said this, he acted as if he was David Copperfield or Chriss Angel and he had just pulled B.B. King out of my asscrack in front of all of the bystanders on Beale. Instead he looked like a moron.
I wonder what this kid is doing right now, other than trying to figure out how to use his arms and legs again without going through a full-body muscle spasm. Probably trying to get a spot on the View. Or hanging himself. Or trying to hang himself on the View. Attention hungry pussy. The only reason he hasn't hollered at a Bush rally was because campus safety doesn't guard the President. Smith and Wesson both do and they hate douche bags. "Ow." That guy.
So I've found two really good documentaries about two of the nation's greatest presidents: Washington and Kennedy. They should provide as much insight as they do inspriation.
PS - My name is Scooter Biceps. I can lift most things over my head, run a five minute mile and grow a handsome soul patch in less than three days.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Starting defense... a place at the table

Hello all is seems like I, Lattimer will be joining Big Pete here on this little adventure. You have no idea who i am so I'll give you some background info.
I played 10 years of competitive football, but whats more impressive is the fact that I have a 13 year dynasty in NCAA football 07. I hate the Memphis Grizzlies because they are not the St. Louis Grizzlies. Rick Ankiel has ripped my heart out of my body on several occasions. I hate to love the Rams because they play in a dome. Tyrod Taylor is the second coming. The Wire>the rest of TV. Yuengling is proof of God's existence. ESPN will ruin sports. Steven A. Smith is everything that is wrong. Jason Whitlock is everything that is right. and finally Ding F-ing Dong!!!

Pau Gasol wants a watch.

In this ad from Spain, Pau Gasol and Rafael Nadal really want these watches. The catch is, this fine piece wants them to jump through hoops to get their time piece. The hoops they must jump through include knocking their respective sports' balls off of eachother's heads. They fail miserable, so now they must quit sports. They look like they're having a good time bartending on a beach, and when she shows up and asks them what time it is, they magically each have their watches. Brilliant.

Darko is Fucking Crazy

After living in Memphis for four years, I grew to love the Memphis Grizzlies. They had a great relationship with the city, put money into downtown, and not once did they have a player who had a questionable reputation, fought dogs for money, sold drugs, etc. James Posey came close, because he's a drunk.

Anyways, Grizzlies games are great experiences. They're cheaper than a movie, they somehow manage to keep games close (most of the time), and they play right next to Beale Street in downtown Memphis.
Having said that, I'm sick of their front office. It's like they want this team to suck so that no one will put up a stink when they move the team in a couple of years. As we can see from the above video, the only significant off-season move resulted in the Grizz bringing in a violently crazy Serb. Not only is he violent and crazy, he is also a seven foot tall goon. The Grizz already have a seven foot tall foreign goon, his name is Pau Gasol. This is the bullshit of all bullshits. Just give me one fucking playoff win. Mike Conley, Jr. better be good, or the Grizzlies will have flushed yet another of their seasons down the drain.

"You think you can take my shit?"

I heard the tape and everything, and I think it still went a little something like the video above.

It's a good day for felonious football players. Well, it's a good day for those of us who enjoy the antics of football players who commit felonies. It's been pretty slow since it was decided that those assholes are going to wait until December to sentence Vick. Deltha O'Neill's dog bit someone, which just kind of sounded like inevitability in my ears, and Isiah Thomas is taking the MSG Crazy Circus to court with him, and we'll have more on that later.

Anyways, the felonious footballers I had in mind were Tank Johnson and O.J. Simpson. Tank Johnson is bringing Dallas a couple of things it didn't need and a couple of things Dallas did, in fact, need more of. What the Cowboys didn't need was another solid defensive lineman. The boys are stacked to the gills of guys who clog the middle up. Tank Johnson better have been cheap, because he's only replacing some guys that I was growing to love. For instance, I love how Chris Canty has too many bars on his face mask. What Tank is bringing Dallas (the city) that it needed more of is violent shootings and drunk driving. Big D(eez Nuts).

OJ is a different story. Jamie Foxx once said that he wished OJ would just go somewhere and sit down. Well, he went to Vegas with some buddies, some guns, and he meant business. Now, I know that he was convicted in the court of public opinion, and acquitted in the real court, so I'm conflicted. One way or another, he's spawned many many comedic references, which have virtually all made me laugh.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs: Providing the best coverage in Sports and Entertainment

If you stumbled across this blog somehow, then you must be really lost. Anyways, congratulations, because you have just found the finest source for Sports and Culture news and analysis, once we get the hang of this posting bullshit.