Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Manute Bol is ready for the Kentucky Derby. Are YOU?!

Personally, I'm not. It's NASCAR Unplugged. And it only lasts two minutes. I can youtube that shit, if I wanted to. Not to take away from the pageantry, or the drunkenness or dressing up like dandy or whatever the fuck it is that's so special about it.



First up, from Lattimer, we have Bill Walton being Bill Walton.

Next, we have Bango the Milwaukee Bucks mascot showing up every mascot out there. As this video and the next one show, Bango is pretty bodacious.

Moving on, now we have Bango again, kicking the shit out of Hawks fans. I always thought "Fear the Deer" was a pretty 'tarded catchphrase. Now I know that it's savvy advice.

Next up, Travis Pastrana does a back flip in a video that starts inexplicably with some fireworks. Hey, he knows how to grab my attention.

Lesson learned: Win the game first, celebrate second.

And finally, a gangster-ass soccer celebration.

That's all for this week, sluts. Enjoy your mint juleps.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

McWunkler's All-American: Scott Sicko

"Loyalty to the bros, sticking it to the man, and paper stacking. This is what it is all about here at GRH." - Icehouse, Founder of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs

This is the quotation engraved on every plaque given to the various recipiants of the McWunkler's All-American award. This month's award goes to:

Scott Sicko, TE, New Hampshire.

You've probably already heard about this guy since last Saturday, specifically right after 32 NFL teams had approximately seven chances to add this large, sure-handed athlete to their respective rosters, declined, and he threw a subsequent hissy fit, a fit which included the words "since I didn't get drafted, I'm not going to try and get signed with a team, I'm going to go focus on my education, which is to be an educator."

Wahh wahhhh, indeed.

I'm sure his agent was like "WHAAAAAAAT?!" But then again, maybe this was a clever ploy, because, boy, did he get attention.

Shortly after he uttered this agent-choking-inducing statement (even though he had a lot of interest from Dallas, Jacksonville, and other NFL teams) limp-wienered, pointy-headed elitists who don't like it when big, dumb, athletic people get paid $40M in guaranteed cheddar started cheering from the Nerd Section about how much of a role model this kid was for shunning the NFL for the sake of education. "Here, here!" they clamored with their leather-elbowed tweeds. "About time some smart person stood up to those big dumb bullies," quothe the dweebs.

Noted KSK punching bag Peter "Who's Ready To Love What I'm About To Say" King said this : "It's nice, in the midst of a weekend when football seems more important than breathing to some, that we have a different kind of role model for our kids. I hope they read everything Scott Sicko just said here."

Because the kind of person I want influencing my spawn is the one who looks NFL teams in the face and says "Meh."

But wait! Sicko uses that above average brain of his (or he was given a late night visit by his agent and his agent's friends) and decided to sign with the Dallas Cowboys. He'll have an opprotunity to make exponentially more money than he could ever make teaching a bunch of kids who won't appreciate him, playing a sport in which delivering a coma-inducing blow to someone's head will get you a raise.


Your good teacher making the right, heartfelt decision to stick it out for the kids is back to the drawing board. Looks like the ABC Family fall line-up is still going to be lacking and Sandra Bullock is not here to pull your story out of the gutter. Sicko could very well be making the league-minimum when he could be making about 1/12 of that in a classroom.


Oh, football seems more important than breathing sometimes and breathing should ALWAYS BE IMPORTANT! D'oh. What a jabroni. Not a big deal if he doesn't want to do that thing that only a small fraction of people will ever be able to do ever. That's not admirable: That's retarded. And loogit! Sicko's not retarded. Now he's a Cowboy, for awhile anyway.



Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Caption Contest!

Ok. Either I offended our fanbase, or that was too many words in the post below. Either way, let's get back to the mindless fun.

First up, Mark Messier hangs out with Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds.

To continue with the athletes and celebs, here's Howie Long checking out Britney Spears.

And finally, Belichick and Meyer revel in their sea of smarm.

Have at it, jabronies.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Thank You, Mavericks Fans.

I had almost forgotten why I hated you in the first place.


I've always been a Spurs fan. That's just the way things went. I didn't really hate the Mavs, they were just kind of this team to the north that sort of competed with the Spurs in the years that the Rockets were worse than the Comets. The Mavericks rise to prominence coincided with my leaving for college, which meant meeting many more Mavs fans than ever before. This was a revelation to me, that people gave a fuck about this team.

Then the rivalry started to heat up. After the Spurs won their third Championship in 2005, the Mavericks and Spurs squared off in the 2006 playoffs for what could be considered one of the greatest playoff series ever. The Mavericks ended up winning. All I could really say was, "good game." The Spurs played their best, but the Mavericks played better. That's all there was to it. Nothing more to say.

Then the Mavericks lost to the Heat in the Finals. And boy, did the tears flow. Tears about how the refs screwed them out of a championship. This had actually been a constant theme of Maverick fandom in previous years, but I never paid it much mind. You see, for me, fans who complain about the officiating of a game or series tells me that either a) they lack a basic understanding of the sport, or b) that they know in their hearts that their team wasn't good enough to win on their own. I categorized Mavericks fans into one of the two. Even though they had a pretty good argument about how refs treated them against the Heat, the fact remained that referees don't make the ball go in the hole, and referees for damn sure don't lose four straight games to you. Essentially, I never hated the team, but their insufferable fan base forced me to root against them.

Fast forward a couple of years. Now I live in Dallas. I love living in a town with an NBA team. I enjoy going to games, being able to watch it on TV eighty-two times a year, and talking about basketball with fellow fans. After the first year, I have to admit, the Mavs made me not despise them. This year, with the help of some shrewd off-season and in-season moves to bring a host of players I like to the team, I could even be counted among their fan base. I penned a "you don't totally suck" concession in these pages a few months back, and even bought a Roddy Buckets shirt.
Looking good there, big cat.

But in the past week, I remember why you're all a bunch of insufferable pricks. I've watched the past couple of games with Mavericks fans. With the exception of one or two knowledgeable and entertaining folks, they've been pretty awful. I can handle homers. I can handle assholes. I can handle idiots. All three qualities in several different people just put me over the top. Maybe I'm in a defensive mindset now that I'm in enemy territory. But then again....

Yeah. Fuck these pieces of shit. Fuck every last one of them.

After careful contemplation, I've decided that this is the Mark Cuban effect. As much of a shitbag as he can be, I respected that he would speak his mind, stand up for his players and support his team above all else. Unfortunately, it's grown into a vicious cycle. If he bashes the refs, fans take his word as gospel like he has some sort of insider information. He doesn't. He's gone to great lengths to seem like an average fan, and at the end of the day, that's all he really is. Just an asshole with better seats.

It's a brilliant marketing ploy, if you think about it. He bashes the refs, so the fans do too. They assume that their team is the best, and just get screwed out of the playoffs every year. It has nothing to do with the fact that their Aryan superstar, for all of his regular season merits, is a glass-jawed pussy that disappears in the playoffs. When fans miss the forest for the trees like that, there could never be any backlash against the front office that kept Dirk in lieu of the perennially likable Steve Nash.

The real tragedy for Mavericks fans is that they will never expand outside of this realm of ignorance. Short of Mark Cuban standing up and saying "this team beat us fair and square," there will never be any sort of rational thought. That's fine, as rational thought and sports fandom hardly ever go hand-in-hand. It would also be uncharacteristic of the sort of megalomaniac that prints up shirts with his face on them, as if he were one of the players. But to keep up the farce, Cuban must continue to berate the league and the officiating. This will never make the calls go in favor of the Mavericks. Put it this way: say you constantly berate the waitstaff of restaurants on their poor service. Do you have reason to be that shocked when somebody spits in your food? No you don't. Thems the breaks.

So now the series stands at 3-1 Spurs over Mavericks. I sure hope the juggernaut pulls this one off. But even if some cataclysm happens, and the Spurs lose three in a row, I won't blame the refs.

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

So this weekend it seemed like everyone went batshit crazy over Gruden's draft performance.

1. Told you
2. Well yeah, he was a coach as oppose to you know, a BYU Douchebag who just says random shit for the fun of it. (No offense to BYU or the Mormon faith)
3. Why are you watching ESPN instead of NFL network with my main man Mike Mayock?

Anyway it got me thinking about the emphasis we place on the people who provide us with sports information.

So, for the Shit Storm we are going to create the best broadcasting team for each sport. We've hated on broadcasters for so long that it seems fair to give credit where it is due.

My team for football.

Gus Johnson as play by play. (Keith Jackson has his own category)
Chris Spielman on the color.
Erin Andrews on the sideline.


Wait for it........

Bill Belichick in the booth.

I would just love to hear him mutter. "cover 3 right here" at random points throughout the game. I also think his "yeah smash route" line following Gus Johnson's Touchdowngasm would add a nice balance.

Shit Storm begin.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

West. Can't miss it.

Maria Kirilenko would like to play some tennis this weekend. With you. Naked.

That' what I'm talking about. Let's get down to business. More NBA playoffs, and the remaining rounds of the draft to watch on TV. I'll watch the playoffs when I'm not outside, and I've never been that into the draft. Because it's not football, you see, it's a fucking bureaucratic process. But that's neither here nor there.


First, a little rain delay theater, from Western Kentucky and Florida Atlantic.

Bad American accents in a Canadian PSA about basketball. Yep.

Terry Crews dancing in White Chicks. The only funny part of that movie.

That's it for today, shitbirds. We'll have better content next week.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Clausen: "I'm Ready To Get Started Letting People Down Right Now"

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Former Notre Dame quarterback and projected-first-round draft selection Jimmy Clausen told reporters Thursday that, no matter who drafts him, he's ready to start letting down that team's fan base immediately.

"I don't have any illusions," said Clausen, prepping for tonight's primetime NFL Draft, "But I'm ready to go out there and throw ducks, get sacked, fall down unmolested and do everything in my power to shatter the hopes and dreams of every fan of whichever team is lucky enough to grab me."

Clausen, who scouts say has a near-perfect throwing motion and all of the physical tools of a franchise QB, said he's eager to get to work diminishing every accolade he and his name ever earned.

"My brothers have been just great in teaching me how to raise everyone to the same level of outlandish anticipation, and then pull the collective rug out from under their hooves with my pedestrian play," said the youngest Clausen. "Hell, if I need to, I'll throw in some off the field issues, too.

"I'll put myself in that position and be that caliber of player for my team."

Clausen then excused himself to clumsily fumble down the nearest flight of stairs and writhe in pain before giving a thumbs up.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Caption Contest!

Here are some fairly inspried photographs that require your movingly inspired captions. It's a caption contest.

"We await instructions before continuing the love-makings."

"It's funny because I'm fat!"

(Only in here for homerism)

Daly: "Jealous?"

Commence Hobberation.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fuck. There was something I was supposed to do today...

Ricky Williams: ...but what?!

Ricky: Hey Rasheed. Sheed!

Rasheed: Sup.

Ricky: Wasn't there something we were supposed to do today?

Rasheed: I don't know, man. Like what?

Ricky: Like something we do every day, but for some reason it's more important today?

Rasheed: Shit I don't know. Thinking's hard. Fuck it, I'm getting into a hot tub.

Ricky: Dammit. This is hard. Hey Mark. MARK!

Mark Stepnoski: Grunh?

Ricky: Maybe you can help me out. I feel like there was something I was supposed to do today, but my memory is suffering from short-term loss.

Stepnoski: Mughufungh Rupufungunuh.

Ricky: K thanks man. [under his breath] What a weirdo.

Stepnoski: [enraged] GREH HERRR DLAAA!


Nate Newton: [through labored breathing] Suuuuuunnnnn Chiiiiiiips. You make my daaaaayyyyaayyyyyyyy.

Ricky: Well, that wasn't helpful. Randy. Hey Randy!


Ricky: Eesh. Whatever the fuck that meant. Maybe Kareem knows. [calls Kareem Abdul-Jabbar]

Kareem: [giggling] Hello? Hey. Hey shh, quit it. [composed] Sorry Ricky, I'd like to help you, but myself and Former President Bush are at an important meeting with the joint chiefs. [laughter erupts on the phone]

George W. Bush: [in the background]
Yeah, we're meeting on the moon, bitch!

Ricky: Jeez, some people have no phone etiquette.

Tim Lincecum: I've got an idea, we could call Michael Phelps!

Ricky: God no. ANYTHING but that. Fuck it, this is hard. I'm just gonna go get high.

Happy 4/20 everybody! There's myriad athletes I left out. Throw your favorite stoner athlete in the comments section.

Hooray! I scored!

"Hooray! I scored off of a rebound with an open net. I missed the first shot that came from a perfect pass. It's a good thing this minor league goalie didn't cover the ball up and afforded me the perfect opportunity to make the easiest play in soccer: just dinking the ball into an unprotected net.


Cue the bitchslap.

(Video via Dirty Tackle)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

Well holy dogshit. I've been slacking for a while, but after this Tuesday I'm ready to return with a vengeance.

I'll make it quick, there are great sports movies, and there are great songs.

So lets combine that shit.

Best songs in "sports movies."
There it is. Shit storm begin.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Happy Birthday to this successful asshole.

Rudy does it better.

Finally. FINALLY. I am JACKED for this weekend. The second season is here: The NBA playoffs. YES.

The ENTIRE WEEKEND is filled with NBA greatness. I recommend drinking heavily all day long. It's gonna rock.


Now, a spoof of the Google "Parisian Love" ad, with KSK's version of Ben Roethlisberger and his shenanigans in Georgia.

Don't worry. Shaq is still weird.

And in case it's cloudy where you are, these puppies will bring some sunshine.

And now that the whole regular season is done, the NBA has put together their list of the top 10 dunks of the season. In lieu of "OMG! FUNK!" I will take a cue from one of the announcers. ELEVATE AND DETONATE!

If that doesn't get you jacked up for the weekend, you either hate puppies, or you hate fun. Either way, you can stay at work or go to hell.

I'm excited.

El Hombre cares not for the Astros

It's bad enough that I have to watch Pujols rain fire on the Astros 20 times a summer. It's bad enough that the Astros have been utterly hopeless since winning the NLCS in 2005. It's bad enough that the Cardinals are perennial contenders and I have to hear about it from Lattimer and Stovall all summer long.

But when he goes and crushes their feelings like this.

/Takes pull of tequila.

It's gonna be a long summer.

[Props to White Yao for the image]

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Breaking: Kevin Durant Leads League in Scoring

With 31 points in the Thunder's superfluous win over the Grizzlies, Kevin Durant locked up this year's scoring title.

Greg Oden, on the other hand, ended the season tied for first with Dorrell Wright in number of penises that ended up on the Internet. Both useless sacks of shit had one penis each show up on the Internet for the 2009-2010 season.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank the Blazers for jerking off yet another #1 draft pick. I wish them the best, but thoughts of what might have been only serve to infuriate.

Oh, and see you next year Toronto Raptors.

More playoff previews and coverage coming soon.

Caption Contest!

We're finally right in the middle of Spring. NBA Playoffs start this weekend, and baseball season is a go. It's going to be good. Now let's get some much needed captions to these pictures.

First up, Tiger and Big Ben, hamming it up.

Next, Deshawn Stephenson gets his pong on.

And finally, Pau Gasol explains something to Phil Jackson.

These are some of the best pictures we've had in a while. Have at it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Travis Rice could care less about a Shaun White

The King of the Hill 2010 from UnofficialSquaw on Vimeo.

There's no argument that Shaun White is the best snowboarder in the world at the park and halfpipe. His runs are flawless, and he is by far the most inventive of any professional rider out there. Does this mean he's the best snowboarder? Maybe not.

All of White's accomplishments are indeed impressive. Just watching this February's Olympics shows that he is light years ahead of his main competition. However, all of the things that White does are in extremely controlled environments. The only variables he ever has to contend with are the dimensions of the perfectly manicured halfpipes and jumps he competes on.

Travis Rice, on the other hand... well the way he snowboards is a little different, now isn't it?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm!

This MMSS promises to be short and sweet, like me dipped in chocolate sauce:

Greatest Off-the-Field Distraction.

Answers must take into account the magnitude of the game from which one is distracted (Super Bowl > Jusy Any Ol' NFL Game, Masters > FedEx Cup, etc.) as well as the distraction itself (Michael Vick Busted On Dogfighting > Adrian Peterson Getting a Speeding Ticket).

Mine's timely.

Arguably, the second-biggest name in golf is Phil Mickelfatson. He is also called "Lefty" because he plays...wait for it...left-handed. So this weekend he wins, again arguably, the biggest major tournament of the year, the Masters. CNN's breaking-news-to-the-minute headline?

"Tiger Finishes Fourth in Masters; Mickelson wins"

Oof. When you don't get top billing on your on tournament? That's distraction.

Plus, I think hitting a tree with your car and a bunch of ho's falling out of it is a pretty lofty action worth a distraction.

Hobbmentors: Commence the banter.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

The girls on the Florida State Women's Lacrosse team are probably already partying. Why aren't you? Oh that's right. We're at work.


I've spent the better part of the last decade hating on Dirk. This year, I realized that this was because I just didn't understand his game. I still don't, because it's absurd, but I now realize that it gets shit done. He's a good player. There, I said it. Fuck you. And after this video, who would want to hate on this cat?

Ladies and Gentleman, Kentucky. I'm going to yell this guy's victory hoot all weekend long.

Don't pull pranks on O-linemen. Not after a workout. It's not great for your health.

In nerdier April Fools shenanigans, this is pretty cool. Get down with your bad self, math geek.

Andray Blatche has been the only reason for Wizards fans to not kill themselves this year. All the same, pulling a Ricky Davis isn't that cool.

Jesus Tanner Hall. Stop that.

Ok. That's enough for this week. Save a beer for me, chicks, I'll be there soon.

Crusty crusts. Peace and blessings.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Who's ready to get fucked?!"

Yeah, I'm back, bitches!

Did you pansies have fun piddling around with each other while daddy was gone? I sure hope you did, because that shit is over and done with, faggots. Tiger is back, and he is ready to fuck all of you.

You see this shaft right here? It's just aching to smack you guys in the face for doubting me. These balls? Well, let me tell you, I'm going to put these balls places that you only WISH you could put your balls.

You're going to be in awe of what I'm about to do. I'll hook you, fade you, make that shit BITE! I'm going to start of ravenous on the front, but just you WAIT until I get to the backside.

Sure, try and handicap Tiger. Just shows how scared you are of this beast. You think backing me up is going to prevent me from muscling myself in exactly where I want? You forgot how long and accurate I am. Foolish of you.

I'm not fucking around with any of the untrimmed stuff, either. I'm putting it right where I want it. In the trimmed and manicured or get the fuck out, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYING?!


Wait, wait, that came out wrong. Let me start over...

[Image via WithLeather]

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Caption Contest!

It's going to be a good week. Baseball hath returned, the Champion's League is in full swing (and has two games today), and the most soothing golf tournament in the world fills out HD TVs with azaleas, lush greenery, and as few minorities as possible. A tradition like no other.

SO! Pictures! Pictures to caption! Please do not lump all of your captions into one comment box. More comments make me think that more people are paying attention to me, and well, I could use the ego boost.

First up, we have Gordon Hayward freaking out while Lance Thomas seems oddly at ease.

Keeping with the college hoops we have Tiger, really really happy at a Stanford game.

Keeping with the Tiger theme, we have a picture of his girlfriend from his Stanford days. This isn't a funny picture, I just want the meanest thing you can possibly say about this obviously jilted ex-lover.

Party. Caption away.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Some S--t went down!!!

OK, OK, OK let's just take a step back and analyze what went down the past couple days.

First we have the NCAA tourney. Personally I like Duke, and Icehouse pretty much summed up the feelings of the rest of you. However I feel like we're all missing the big picture. This tournament wasn't about the upsets, the last second shots, the glamour. No this was about one man taking his rightful place at the top of the sports broadcasting mountain. That man is Gus Johnson.

And now here's my excuse to post this video from the evil genius mind of Punte.

Please let him announce amens corner this weekend.

In other news Donovan McNabb got traded to the Redskins. Did you hear about this, have you heard about this? On one hand the news was awesome. Why? Well it completely overshadowed the douche fest known as Yankees/Redsox opening day. On the other hand it brought about hyperbolic garbage from both sides.

Let's put this into perspective. McNabb is a good QB who is starting to get older. His major fault is what I like to call the La La land syndrome. There are just certain times in game where he just completely shits the bed. The other thing about McNabb is that the past couple years he's had an outstanding receiving crew and a serviceable offensive line. These are things not typically found in The Beltway. Oh and one more thing per that article. Shanahan is not the guy who got all that production out of his line. The guy is Alex Gibbs, (OL coach) who put his own special twist on zone blocking.

The last negative aspect of this trade is the appearance of Redskins fans touting the return to the glory years. Oh you haven't met a Skins fan? Let me introduce you.

Keep it real Yo, Fairfax for life.

In other QB news The rams just cut Marc Bulger. I'd like to introduce you to the number one pick and savior of the St. Louis franchise.

/Breathes deeply.


Finally, opening day occured. El Hombre went 4/4 with two slama lama ding dongs and the Northside college transplants needing a trendy baseball hat's gave up 16.

All is right.

Congratulations, Fuckfaces.

We're really proud of you. Way to go. Your athletic fandom has meaning. I would also like to thank you, Duke fans, for making the world hate what has been a more likable Duke team than usual. Because of you, a new generation of Duke haters has been born.

You see, Duke hasn't won a tournament since 2001. It's high time that we remind a generation of kids that Duke fans are the unclean of the sports fans. They are not to be touched.

In addition to being the world's finest collection of grade-grubbing douchebags, they are also silver spoon classless cumstains. Exhibit A.

Yeah, real clever. Duke fans are so pitifully annoying that they make Butler students look cool and attractive. Students that attend a university I've never heard of that's based in Indianapolis. That's hard, man. Really hard.

Seriously, who would you rather party with? Definitely this guy.

Take a look at the Duke roster. You're looking at the coolest that Duke has to offer. Seriously. Jon Scheyer is the coolest that Duke has to offer, and I'm fairly certain that he makes those goon-ass faces during sex. If he had sex. Which he doesn't. On a side note, Butler coach Brad Stevens gets way more ass than the rest of the Duke team. I'm sure Coach K got elbow-deep in some Chinese tang in the summer of 2008, but back stateside, he's still married to that dude.

Which brings me back to you pimply fuckfaces at Duke. Being smart and going to a good school is admirable. But see how many friends being elitist about it earns you. People that go to the best schools in the country (not Duke) are nervous about revealing this fact, due to the stigma attached to it. In a Blue Devil's astigmatism-afflicted eyes, this stigma is a good thing.

So, we have social reject, ugly, and being an arrogant prick about it. What do you have? Oh! The "Cameron Crazies!" Duke fans must be crazy, right? Did they riot last night? No. No riot = not crazy fans. This really comes as no surprise. If you're not bold enough to take your socks off to have sex, you're probably not bold enough to light a campus police cruiser on fire.

Furthermore, I'm not sure who's delusional enough to do this, but don't even try with saying that it's a nice place to go to school. Calling Durham a shithole would be disrespectful to anuses everywhere.

So yeah. Have fun with this victory, Duke fans. Soon you will face the real world, where like every Duke player not named Danny Ferry, you will fail. Enjoy regaling your local bartender with the story about how you totally skipped out on your physics study group to watch the 2010 National Championship on Coack K court. He'll be really impressed.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Pumping up Fenway

Click here to check out the cutest little moral booster there is. I love the Yankees but I might love this little kid more...

Monday Morning S--t Storm!!!

Lot's of Shit Storm ideas, I just have to remember them.

Ok so during Easter you eat a lot and typically there is some type of decoration. Only reason I mention this is to try to justify this storm.

(h/t Warming Glow)

I feel like there are always discussions on the most attractive Food Channel/travel channel personality. The crazy thing about this is that people are extremely loyal to their favorites. For instance here is a conversation I recently heard.

girl 1: I can't stand Anthony Bourdain, such a pretentious asshole.

girl 2: You shut your mouth Bourdain is the sexiest man in the world.

So for this shit storm we need to have the definitive debate on the most attractive personality on TV. Now, I use the term attractive because it could mean many things. For example Sandra Lee is very milfy, but she also makes these delicious looking cocktails with umbrellas in them. You see, her decor adds to the attractiveness.

The rules:
1. I would like to keep this to food/travel network type personalities. I understand there may be some channel crossover, but try to keep it within the parameters.
2. Reality show judges only, no contestants. (Yes Padma is in play)
3. BBC is in play.
4. Retired/no longer on TV is in play.
5. Male and Female divisions, and obviously we can multiple votes for each personality.

(I also should not have to say this, but there is zero homerism component to this shit storm)

Ok onto my selection.

Giada De Laurentiis.

Some people get annoyed with her over prouncing all the eeeeeeeeeetalllllain foods but I think it only adds to the show. Between her chicken tetrazinni and her smashing of garlic I'm utterly captivated. She also studied in Rome so you know she's legit.

Ok let's do it. Begin the foodgasm.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Good Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

For the end of holy week, we have the most Jesus'd-out future NFL benchwarmer and several of his... disciples.

First up we have a drunken brawl in Whataburger. Narrated by some H-town rappers. Sweet.

Next up, one of the greatest sports movies ever, RAD, has an epic ending scene. So here it is the Helltrack scene, set to a new song by Cut/Copy. Pretty trippy and sweet.

Everyone's favorite Super Bowl commercial combined with one of my favorite players in the league. You win, Mavs. You win.

Now, what is sure to be every Hobber's first selection the next time we do the athletes in movies thing.

And because I just saw Terry Crews in that clip, we have Cheeseburger Eddie himself doing yet another awesome Old Spice commercial.

Sweet. Happy Easter, y'all.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wait! There Are Political Implications To That Game You're About To Watch Drunk!

Whoa, there, mindless fan! Don't think you can escape the non-stop monkey chatter of contemporary American politics by escaping into the brutish serenity of athletic competition. The two are related! Don't you get it, you FOOL?! Now, take some time to write your congressman or woman about how FED UP you are with the status quo in Washington, or better yet, donate money to this campaig-

Gotcha. April Fool's! You thought it was going to get political, didn't you? You did? That's silly! Sports and politics have very little in common other than rabid profanity and the occasional dirty player. However, one political think tank has polled 218,000 sports watching individuals to tally if and how they would vote as a sports fan. Mildly interesting stuff for a Thursday morning.

Well, Duh
  • PGA Tour: Old people vote in record numbers to insure their legacy will last long after their dead and gone. Old people also enjoy watching golf. Bingo bango.

  • WNBA: If you were to be like "Hey, point out to me where you think African-American lesbians would be," I'd point right there.

  • MLS: What sport do most long haired, skinny jean-wearing types admire most? Cross country running. Their second choice would be soccer.

Not Duh, But It Makes Enough Sense

  • NBA: I'm not saying that every African-American votes liberally, or that every fan of the NBA is African-American. That'd be stereotyping and just wrong. But, statistically speaking, the NBA has many more African-Americans playing and in their fan base, and, statistically speaking, African-Americans have traditionally leaned leftward. PS - I'm not a racist.
  • NFL: This has the biggest circle, and more than likely, is most reflective of the country. The USA has been described as center-right for decades now, and its most popular sport is definitely football. No question about it. It's football. Sorry, baseball.
  • MLB: "But we're America's pastime!" Okay, you're still not as big as football. But you get to be the most politically neutral, probably due to your storied tradition before political parties also had storied traditions. Congrats! You're fair game.

Wait, What?
  • Monster Trucks: Wait, I didn't know this was a sport. And I can't believe that it's a "sport" that trends liberally. They probably still hate Lincoln or something.
  • WWE: The low voter turnout I totally get, but liberally? I don't really think "progressive" when I see a fan asking for one steroid-induced human to break another over his knee cap.
  • Minor League Baseball: This is just barely on the liberal side. I guess it's because they just eat up that whole idealistic hope thing that the Democratic party has been trademarking lately. They don't matter though.