Monday Morning S--t Storm

I know I've been gone for a while, but every shit stormer needs their own walk about as it were. While I was gone I've been doing things like podcasting, analyzing the offensive tendencies of 14-18 year olds, and I've joined a protest or two. Today I'm protesting work, you can follow me on twitter at #occupylattimerscouch

However, I have had some time to pursue my 7th favorite past time which is watching TV. During one of my sessions, I wondered why there weren't more TV shows centered around sports? I kind of felt like some of the humor and drama was already there, and the writers could also address some of the issues facing the sport.

To be sure, we've had shows like that. Playmakers was probably the first I can remember. The show really addressed the dark side of professional football, and it's cancellation coincides with ESPN's transition from a 20 something bachelor into a suit wearing company man.


I'm sure you all know about Friday Night Lights. (the TV show)It was fun and all. Icehouse was an extra, but let's be honest. FNL was essentially Glee for jocks.


As you can see these two great TV shows follow the same path of most sports TV shows and movies. They just blatantly throw stereotypes and issues right in your face and lack an accurate portrayal of the games. The quick and easy solution to this dilemma is fairly clear, but unfortunately David Simon is busy right now.

So our job for the shit storm is to get together and create a sports drama. In the spirit of the shit storm's triumphant return I say we work together on this one. Someone start off with a sport, and we'll just brainstorm from there.

Shit storm begin.

Good for him.

I really don't get how this is THAT much different than every other press conference where someone's feelings are going to be hurt. Remember when Eliot Spitzer gave a press conference about his whoring and made his wife stand next to him? That was way worse. Maybe nobody's ever had ESPN devote an entire hour of programming to a them in such a planned fashion, but I guarantee that the last time someone had a large press conference (I'm thinking A-Rod taking steroids or Tiger Woods fucking someone who wasn't the ice-queen money-grubbing bitch he was married to), ESPN devoted just as much time for pundits, analysis, blah blah blah. LeBron's people just planned it better. It's something they're known for.

Furthermore, he's a grown ass man. He can leave if he wants to if the situation isn't optimal. Just because you were born in the area and were drafted by the team doesn't mean you have to play there for the rest of your life. Raise your hand if you are currently living in the city that you grew up in. Don't worry, I'll wait. Those of you with your hands up. Have you had opportunities to leave? Opportunities that would result in a better job, more money, more fun and better quality of life? LeBron had a choice to stay. His job would have been harder. The money would have been worse. And the living situation? Sheeeeit.

Don't like LeBron leaving Cleveland? Don't feel so butthurt for a town with bad weather, ugly people, no economic growth and a horrifying pollution problem.

It's just not a well-run business entity. The team tried to build around him, but there was ALWAYS something wrong. Donyell Marshall, Mo Williams, Boobie Gibson or Anthony Carter do not a championship team make. Bron's been there for seven years. What moves have they made that have made that team more of a threat? Shaq? Ben Wallace? Larry Fucking Hughes? Say Bron takes a pay cut so the team can add more players. Do you really have the confidence in the Cavaliers organization to spend that money correctly? More than a decade to not put something together around a two-time MVP means that I feel more pity for the incompetence than for their feelings.

The only thing I wish he would do is actively seek challenges that would improve the quality of basketball that we get to watch. Looking at the Eastern Conference landscape, all this did was turn a bad playoff team into a juggernaut playoff team and make one of the best teams in the league into one of the worst. We all have to understand that playing with friends is always better than playing with a guy who might've slept with your mom, but I feel the same twinge of disappointment as when he decided not to participate in the dunk contest over the past All-Star Weekend.

To be sure, MY complaint with his decision(s) is that it denigrates the industry product that he is the face of. Everyone else's problem with the decision is that he caused a media circus (would've happened anyway, but the ad money wouldn't have gone to the kids) and that he didn't settle for the ugly chick with the "personality." Well, to paraphrase Sweetness from He Got Game, Cleveland ain't Scarlet O'Hara, LeBron ain't Rhett Butler.

The guy made a shrewd, unpopular decision that will maximize the quality of his life. Fuck YOU if you don't like it.

"Who's ready to get fucked?!"

Yeah, I'm back, bitches!

Did you pansies have fun piddling around with each other while daddy was gone? I sure hope you did, because that shit is over and done with, faggots. Tiger is back, and he is ready to fuck all of you.

You see this shaft right here? It's just aching to smack you guys in the face for doubting me. These balls? Well, let me tell you, I'm going to put these balls places that you only WISH you could put your balls.

You're going to be in awe of what I'm about to do. I'll hook you, fade you, make that shit BITE! I'm going to start of ravenous on the front, but just you WAIT until I get to the backside.

Sure, try and handicap Tiger. Just shows how scared you are of this beast. You think backing me up is going to prevent me from muscling myself in exactly where I want? You forgot how long and accurate I am. Foolish of you.

I'm not fucking around with any of the untrimmed stuff, either. I'm putting it right where I want it. In the trimmed and manicured or get the fuck out, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYING?!

NO ONE SWINGS LIKE TIGER!!!

Wait, wait, that came out wrong. Let me start over...

[Image via WithLeather]

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Toine's in jail. Can't shoot his way out of this slump. However, it did offer an interesting look into his mentality. A cold streak only made him try harder.

Yes. Too many funbags have been late of late. This one is HERE. RIGHTFUCKINGNOW.

So let's go!

Creepy kids have nothing to do with Easter Candy, but that doesn't stop the rock.


Here we have the world's fastest. At everything. Prepare to feel really, really slow.


Freerunning. It's like a sport, except with no competition.


I know people are still shaken up over Michael Jackson dying, but I really expect better out of Shaq.


Lil' Penny and Gheorghe Muresan. This was back when Sportscenter meant something.