Oh, you want Cam Newton in your video?

Us the villains, fuck your feelings
While y'all playa hate we in the upper millions
What's the dealing, huh? It's like the SEC's been soft
Ever since Cam came through and crushed the buildings

I'm tryin to restore the feelin, fuck the law keep dealin'
More money, more cash, more chillin
I know they gonna criticize the hook on this song
Like I give a fuck I'm just a crook on this song.

College Park, Georgon took on the world
Shit, I led a life you can write a book on
Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street
Man and I tell ya it'll be the best seller

Money, Cash, Hos

McWuncler's All-Americans: Guerdwich Montimere

It was a good run, my man.

Mr. Montimere here pulled out all the stops to make the American dream happen. Unfortunately, he just saw one too many movies.

Mr. Montimere, like all of our ancestors, came to this country by floating aimlessly through the Caribbean on a raft. Once reaching the promised land of southern Florida, Montimere knew that this was the land where he could carve out a life for himself playing basketball.

After a moderately successful career at Dillard High School in Fort Lauderdale, Montimere wasn't ready for his basketball career to end just yet. So he combined what he learned from the two most critically-acclaimed sports movies of the past decade. From Friday Night Lights, he learned that few communities in the world are as devoted to high school sports as Odessa, Texas. From The Blind Side he learned that high school coaches will totally let you stay in their house with their hot wife and daughter.

It bears noting here that this award is given out to a commitment to paper-stacking. For those of you unfamiliar with the lifestyle, grifting strangers for free room and board is the hobo equivalent of hustling and paper-stacking. Also, everybody from Haiti is homeless. This has been true since before the earthquake.

So he rode the rails from Florida to Texas. Undoubtedly enjoying the warm embraces and culture of areas settled by French colonists, much like Haiti.

Once in Texas, he started over by picking up where he left off. A 6-5 forward with the newly adopted nom de guerre Jerry Joseph, Montimere was named Newcomer of the Year after leading the Permian Panthers to the playoffs.

He probably would still be Odessa pimping if it hadn't been for those snitch bitches from Dillard, who recognized him at a tournament in Arkansas, and blew the whistle on the whole scam. Mr. Montimere is a tragic case that highlights one of the most important rules in life: stay the hell out of Arkansas.

For outstanding effort in hard-scrabble hustling, and prolific disrespect of public education, we award Guerdwich "Jerry Joseph" Montimere this month's McWuncler's All-American award.

McWunkler's All-American: Scott Sicko

"Loyalty to the bros, sticking it to the man, and paper stacking. This is what it is all about here at GRH." - Icehouse, Founder of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs

This is the quotation engraved on every plaque given to the various recipiants of the McWunkler's All-American award. This month's award goes to:



Scott Sicko, TE, New Hampshire.

You've probably already heard about this guy since last Saturday, specifically right after 32 NFL teams had approximately seven chances to add this large, sure-handed athlete to their respective rosters, declined, and he threw a subsequent hissy fit, a fit which included the words "since I didn't get drafted, I'm not going to try and get signed with a team, I'm going to go focus on my education, which is to be an educator."



Wahh wahhhh, indeed.

I'm sure his agent was like "WHAAAAAAAT?!" But then again, maybe this was a clever ploy, because, boy, did he get attention.

Shortly after he uttered this agent-choking-inducing statement (even though he had a lot of interest from Dallas, Jacksonville, and other NFL teams) limp-wienered, pointy-headed elitists who don't like it when big, dumb, athletic people get paid $40M in guaranteed cheddar started cheering from the Nerd Section about how much of a role model this kid was for shunning the NFL for the sake of education. "Here, here!" they clamored with their leather-elbowed tweeds. "About time some smart person stood up to those big dumb bullies," quothe the dweebs.

Noted KSK punching bag Peter "Who's Ready To Love What I'm About To Say" King said this : "It's nice, in the midst of a weekend when football seems more important than breathing to some, that we have a different kind of role model for our kids. I hope they read everything Scott Sicko just said here."

Because the kind of person I want influencing my spawn is the one who looks NFL teams in the face and says "Meh."

But wait! Sicko uses that above average brain of his (or he was given a late night visit by his agent and his agent's friends) and decided to sign with the Dallas Cowboys. He'll have an opprotunity to make exponentially more money than he could ever make teaching a bunch of kids who won't appreciate him, playing a sport in which delivering a coma-inducing blow to someone's head will get you a raise.

SUCK IT, WALT DISNEY!

Your good teacher making the right, heartfelt decision to stick it out for the kids is back to the drawing board. Looks like the ABC Family fall line-up is still going to be lacking and Sandra Bullock is not here to pull your story out of the gutter. Sicko could very well be making the league-minimum when he could be making about 1/12 of that in a classroom.

BITE ME, PETER KING!

Oh, football seems more important than breathing sometimes and breathing should ALWAYS BE IMPORTANT! D'oh. What a jabroni. Not a big deal if he doesn't want to do that thing that only a small fraction of people will ever be able to do ever. That's not admirable: That's retarded. And loogit! Sicko's not retarded. Now he's a Cowboy, for awhile anyway.

GET DOWN ON THESE, ACADEMIANS/PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR ROLE MODELS!

Nerds! HAHAHAHAHAH YOUR SAVIOR HATH FORSAKEN YOU!

McWuncler's All Americans: April 2009

Fuck you, college.

So I was hard at work formulating my latest prognostication, which was that one day, some enterprising young fellow would would realize that Europe has no age restrictions, will pay, that pro hoops is pro hoops, and decide to go play professionally without even finishing high school.

But then this fucker went ahead and did it.

I'm totally for it. It's economics. The NCAA had a stranglehold on basketball prospects until Kevin Garnett decided that was horseshit and made the jump. This grew and grew until the NCAA cried hard enough for David Stern to enact the minimum age requirement in 2006. The NCAA hides behind the shroud of caring about kids, but this is nonsense. Have you any idea how much more money the NCAA would have made had LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard et al decided to go to college? Boatloads. That's what they're upset about.

You care about kids? Why not honor scholarships no matter what? What about all that talk about "most of us are going pro in something other than blah blah blah? Where's Leon Smith these days? Huh? You two-faced sacks of shit.

What the NCAA should understand is that they're not an enormous money-making entity. They're supposed to be about higher learning. They lost sight of that. They want to be as relevant as the NBA, and that's just not logical. They have the best postseason of any sports organization, amateur or otherwise. That shit is exciting, and the whole world watches it. They should be content with what they are, instead of bending the rules to suit themselves. They should also ask themselves what having a host of one-and-done players running roughshod over competition actually gets them in the end. Well, it gets them cash, so they could probably give a fuck.

I'm proud of Jeremy Tyler. He's going to blossom as a player, and as a person. Seriously, what do athletes actually get out of college?

Don't try to tell me that he's going to miss out on his education. Players have much better track records when they go back for their degrees (see: Vince Carter, Shaquille O'Neal, Stanley Roberts. Actually, research Stanley Roberts before telling me I'm wrong). People like Jeremy don't want a higher education, and don't need one. It's unfair to force them into a farce of one. Don't tell me that all players get something out of more school, because they don't. I've seen what kind of "education" D1 athletes get.

Finally, it's about time that we let players play, regardless of age or sport. Where was the uproar when Freddy Adu went pro at 14? What about Andre Agassi? Michael Phelps? Basketball is an urban sport, populated mostly by poorer African Americans. The very people whose families would benefit the most from a pro athlete's salary are told they need to wait 5 more years than suburban kids who play wiener sports like tennis and swimming.

Jeremy is going to be able to earn money for his family, instead of earning money for Rick Pitino. It's only fair, and I hope more kids do it in the future. Thank you Jeremy Tyler, I just wish you would have let me document my prediction, instead of writing something all after the fact.

McWuncler's All Americans: August 2008

To clear up any confusion, McWuncler's is a fast food chain originated by the grandfather of this man.

This month's McWuncler All American is Miladin Kovacevic! Sure, he may not be "American." In fact, he's Serbian. But, he was until recently a basketball player for Binghamton University in New York, and even that doesn't take away from the fact that we are very, very proud of him.

Miladin's story begins back on May 4th. He was hanging at a club, when some drunk-ass pervert starts spitting all sorts of nasty game at his homeboy's girl. Like in all clubs, shit escalated quickly, with our boy Miladin backing his friend's hand and assisting in the lesson teaching to the offender. The consequences of his actions begin shortly thereafter.

As it turns out, the 6'9" 280 lb. Serb stomped the 5'9" 130 lb. skeezy scammer into a coma. Of course, the American "media" reports that it is a coma, but they also report that the victim of the natural recourse of his own stupid actions can yell and cry out. I thought coma meant eternal sleep, guess you can be fully conscience and still be in a coma if CNN chooses to spin the story so.

Because of the beating, Miladin and other associates were arrested, and they posted bail. During the arrest (under charges of 'Gang Violence' no less), Miladin had to surrender his passport. While most other wack ballers would wait around for arraignment, our man got his hustle on. He busted on down to the Serbian Embassy, and got a new passport expedited for him. Then, faster than you can blink morse code saying "you got the feeding tube and catheter tube mixed up again" he was back bangin' in Belgrade.

Back in the home country, United States authorities tried to have Miladin extradited, to no avail. According to Miladin's mom, "My son is not running away from justice, he's running away from injustice." A bit repetitive, but you get where we're coming from: Serbia.

Miladin's Serb homeslices have been doing him right, too. Serbia recalled the two people that helped him out (criminally) in New York. They have also refused Condoleeza Rice's requests for extradition, and pretty much anything else she wants. Finally, Miladin even got signed by a pro team over there. Can I get a Hallelujah?!

This story starts out with all the makings for the cliche class-warfare stories that perpetuate themselves throughout our childhood in films such as "The Little Giants" and "The Mighty Ducks." Of course, in the real world, the scruffy band of loveable misfits gets arrested and sued when they issue a beatdown on the rich, fratty substance-abusing offender.

So in summary, we salute you, Miladin Kovacevic for all the right reasons. You stood up to the man, then whooped his ass. Then you stood up to the man again by running your happy ass back to Serbia, where you are now paid to hoop. Loyalty to the bros, sticking it to the man, and paper stacking. This is what it is all about here at GRH.