Thursday, May 13, 2010

McWuncler's All-Americans: Guerdwich Montimere

It was a good run, my man.

Mr. Montimere here pulled out all the stops to make the American dream happen. Unfortunately, he just saw one too many movies.

Mr. Montimere, like all of our ancestors, came to this country by floating aimlessly through the Caribbean on a raft. Once reaching the promised land of southern Florida, Montimere knew that this was the land where he could carve out a life for himself playing basketball.

After a moderately successful career at Dillard High School in Fort Lauderdale, Montimere wasn't ready for his basketball career to end just yet. So he combined what he learned from the two most critically-acclaimed sports movies of the past decade. From Friday Night Lights, he learned that few communities in the world are as devoted to high school sports as Odessa, Texas. From The Blind Side he learned that high school coaches will totally let you stay in their house with their hot wife and daughter.

It bears noting here that this award is given out to a commitment to paper-stacking. For those of you unfamiliar with the lifestyle, grifting strangers for free room and board is the hobo equivalent of hustling and paper-stacking. Also, everybody from Haiti is homeless. This has been true since before the earthquake.

So he rode the rails from Florida to Texas. Undoubtedly enjoying the warm embraces and culture of areas settled by French colonists, much like Haiti.

Once in Texas, he started over by picking up where he left off. A 6-5 forward with the newly adopted nom de guerre Jerry Joseph, Montimere was named Newcomer of the Year after leading the Permian Panthers to the playoffs.

He probably would still be Odessa pimping if it hadn't been for those snitch bitches from Dillard, who recognized him at a tournament in Arkansas, and blew the whistle on the whole scam. Mr. Montimere is a tragic case that highlights one of the most important rules in life: stay the hell out of Arkansas.

For outstanding effort in hard-scrabble hustling, and prolific disrespect of public education, we award Guerdwich "Jerry Joseph" Montimere this month's McWuncler's All-American award.