McWuncler's All-Americans: Guerdwich Montimere

It was a good run, my man.

Mr. Montimere here pulled out all the stops to make the American dream happen. Unfortunately, he just saw one too many movies.

Mr. Montimere, like all of our ancestors, came to this country by floating aimlessly through the Caribbean on a raft. Once reaching the promised land of southern Florida, Montimere knew that this was the land where he could carve out a life for himself playing basketball.

After a moderately successful career at Dillard High School in Fort Lauderdale, Montimere wasn't ready for his basketball career to end just yet. So he combined what he learned from the two most critically-acclaimed sports movies of the past decade. From Friday Night Lights, he learned that few communities in the world are as devoted to high school sports as Odessa, Texas. From The Blind Side he learned that high school coaches will totally let you stay in their house with their hot wife and daughter.

It bears noting here that this award is given out to a commitment to paper-stacking. For those of you unfamiliar with the lifestyle, grifting strangers for free room and board is the hobo equivalent of hustling and paper-stacking. Also, everybody from Haiti is homeless. This has been true since before the earthquake.

So he rode the rails from Florida to Texas. Undoubtedly enjoying the warm embraces and culture of areas settled by French colonists, much like Haiti.

Once in Texas, he started over by picking up where he left off. A 6-5 forward with the newly adopted nom de guerre Jerry Joseph, Montimere was named Newcomer of the Year after leading the Permian Panthers to the playoffs.

He probably would still be Odessa pimping if it hadn't been for those snitch bitches from Dillard, who recognized him at a tournament in Arkansas, and blew the whistle on the whole scam. Mr. Montimere is a tragic case that highlights one of the most important rules in life: stay the hell out of Arkansas.

For outstanding effort in hard-scrabble hustling, and prolific disrespect of public education, we award Guerdwich "Jerry Joseph" Montimere this month's McWuncler's All-American award.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hey, there's always basketball season. Right? Right? Sure. Whatever.

I'm headed down to see the Mavs host the Thunder tonight. Should be a pretty wacky time. Have I mentioned that Kevin Durant is the shit? Remember the Durantula drinking game: Drink every time he scores. If he gets 24 in the first half, the game turns into a power hour. Yessssss.

OK. Let's party.

By request from Lattimer, we will post this retread. LSUFreek is well known for his glorious photoshopping. This may be his masterpiece.

(via EDSBS)

Jared Allen's mullet explained.


Amar'e Stoudemire and David Spade? Sure. Whatever.


Monta Ellis could give two shits about your pregame circus shots. It also sounds like he says something about weed at the beginning.


LaDanian Tomlinson is a borderline afterthought on the field. So of course he has cause to dance.


To anybody that doesn't think NBA players hustle, Tyrus Thomas is here to say, "what's up."


Ok. I'm done. You guys make sure you party this weekend. I'll be watching the Mavs, Don Delaware will be watching the Grizz. Also, we are accepting names for a BBQ team that Don Delaware is Captaining. Yours in the comments.

There Are Days When I Don't Even Bother Putting On Pants...Then There's This Guy

Memphis Grizzlies call Ricky Rubio, breathe heavily, and hang up

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Seeking Barcelona's prized NBA recruit, but not wanting to sound too desperate, the front office of the Memphis Grizzlies called Ricky Rubio of Spain's personal number to initiate a courtship with the young star, but quickly hung up the phone after being unable to stammer out anything intelligible.

"I mean, I just freakin' froze guys!" said a somewhat giddy GM Chris Wallace. "He answered the phone and I completely blanked!"

The Grizzlies management, which has been having draft day meetings and slumber parties since the playoffs began, believe that Rubio might be the answer to all of their collective prayers.

"He looks JUST like Adrian Brody! Sometimes Zac Efron," said head coach Lionel Hollins. "Only he got a silver in the Olympics and averages 3.3 rebotes per match!"

"Our back up plan was Stephen Curry, but he's a total wannabe and will do whatever Ricky does," said Wallace, while listening to Millennium from the Backstreet Boys.

"Hasheem Thabeet was really sweet when he called to tell us that he won't be coming to Memphis to work out for us, due to his sore shoulder. Maybe there's something there if we end up on the rebound," said Hollins, and then giggled to other management heads about the basketball pun.

Wallace said the biggest concern was whether or not he wanted to subject himself to heartache from another spaniard again, citing the infamous break-up for the Grizzlies and Pau Gasol, which ended in a closed door meeting in which Pau said he'd found someone else and Wallace threw a trapper keeper at Gasol's head.

Michelle Obama tests postive for banned substance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The doping scandal that has enveloped all levels of baseball and tainted many of the biggest names in the Major Leagues has now reached the highest annals of power in the free world.

Cleveland Indians catcher and First Lady of the United States Michelle Obama has tested positive for at least one banned substance. No word from the slugger herself, but her agent said that they are “weighing their options” at this time. Major League Baseball has not released the substance(s) that Obama tested positive for.

Suspicion of Obama’s use of performance enhancers first came to light in 2006 when she had a breakout season, hitting 44 homeruns, driving in 136 RBIs with a .335 batting average and whopping .603 slugging percentage.

More impressive still were her 32 putouts of potential base stealers, good enough for a .384 caught stealing percentage, tops in the AL of that year. “No way in hell I’ll run on ‘Chelle. She’s got a cannon” quipped B.J. Upton, who ranked second in the AL in bases stolen for the 2008 season.

Obama was called before a Senate hearing in late 2007 on the subject of performance enhancers in baseball, resulting in one of the more memorable, and now infamous scenes in baseball history. While counterparts of hers that had testified earlier chose a more subdued approach, refusing to answer several committee members’ questions, Obama became a voice to which the anti-steroids community rallied around. Her responses to questions of her personal steroid use ranged from a humdrum “no, senator” to the scene in which she stood atop the witness’ desk, flexing in her bulging arms in her famous sleeveless top, yelling, “don’t disrespect my effort and love for the game! God made this! God made me this beautiful!”

When questioned about why Jose Canseco named her as a known user in the baseball community, Obama responded with “Jose Canseco just snitching because he finished.” To this, Lindsay Graham (R, SC) was forced to respond, “the witness will refrain from quoting Rick Ross in these chambers.”

The recent revelation of the positive test has led to widespread speculation of peripheral instances in Obama’s inner circle that could perhaps shed light on the polarizing woman. At its ugliest, rumors of spousal abuse were linked to husband Barack’s long trips overseas. The rumors also spread to the amateur ranks, to Obama’s older brother, Craig Robinson, and his Oregon State basketball team. After the connection was made, eyebrows were raised over the Beavers’ increase in wins from 6-25 in 2007-2008 to 18-18 in 2008-2009. Said Robinson, “This, I don’t need.”

While the sports community awaits a statement from Obama, speculation will only skyrocket, and will most likely involve many of her high-profile acquaintances, from Oprah Winfrey and her extreme fluctuations in weight, to Queen Elizabeth II and her timeless aging.

However the outcome, Michelle Obama's colloquial titles of "Most Powerful Woman in the World" and "Most Powerful Woman Behind the Plate" will be forever tainted.