SEATTLE, Wash. - Coltrane High School's prized five-star wide receiver, rising senior Jevon Locke, announced at a press conference today that instead of accepting one of the numerous Division I scholarships he has been offered and will enroll in L'Ecole De Luminaire, a local culinary school where he hopes to "find (himself) and the true meaning of friendship."
"I'm a kid from the wrong side of the tracks," said Locke. "I've never used anything but my athletic talents to get by. But now that's all about to change when I go to...culinary school?!"
"We've been developing this for about twelve years now, and this kid is the one," said Disney creative director Ernest Reinhart, speaking to reporters over a sound system playing Baha Men's Who Let the Dogs Out? at the presser. "Here's a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who's never used anything but his athletic talents to get by. Now he'll find out what friendship really means and who he really is."
"We literally had no writers or animators interested in writing that, plus we decided that true stories do better in the box office, so we got this kid for about a hundred grand," said Reinhart. "And if this one doesn't work out, naturally, we'll just kill him and get another kid."
Locke said he had "no freakin' comment" since this was the stage at which he was cocky and answering to no one, but kindly offered reporters an opportunity to interview him after he had changed his misguided ways, thanks to his ugly, unpopular and undexterous friends, to be named later.
ESPN, owned by Disney Inc., is said to already be producing Sportcenter clips featuring Stuart Scott and Emeril having a "hilarious Booyah!/Bam!-off" as well as putting the logo on the home plates of every major league ball park in the country.
HATTIESBURG — Parents, booster clubs and athletic organizations have "had it up to here with that Brett Favre guy," according to reports saying that high school and DII-college athletes are woefully unprepared for their upcoming seasons due to the hours put in running the retired-QB's work out routine.
"I mean, we're trying to get these guys ready for STATE," said Oak Grove High School Football Coach Lou Tubbs. "They're out there fiddle-fartin' around with Favre. Just lolly-gaggin' and fiddle-fartin'."
"Hell, we'll be lucky to take district, let alone STATE."
Some of the athletes are admitting some of their frustration at Favre's demands to not only learn pro-style routes, but also maintain pro-style speeds and strengths, and subjecting themselves to pro-style punishments for lack of hustle.
"I can barely tie my shoes let alone learn two systems of offense," said WR Will Hoofman, who also doubles as the team's noseguard, displaying his cleats completely surrounded with layers of duct tape he says he puts on daily to secure his footwear.
"He tried to fine me $400,000 for missing practice. I've never seen $400,000 in person," said sophomore WR Danny Koehler.
"My fingers hurt," said RB Jeremy Collins, who was recruited by Farve to attend mandatory workouts along with receivers to give Favre that "wildkitty thing all them teams are doin'."
"He knows no kid in their right mind is going to turn down Brett Favre to work out," said Collins. "I just wish he wouldn't come hang out with us at the bowling alley on Friday nights. He graduated junior high with my dad."
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Seeking Barcelona's prized NBA recruit, but not wanting to sound too desperate, the front office of the Memphis Grizzlies called Ricky Rubio of Spain's personal number to initiate a courtship with the young star, but quickly hung up the phone after being unable to stammer out anything intelligible.
"I mean, I just freakin' froze guys!" said a somewhat giddy GM Chris Wallace. "He answered the phone and I completely blanked!"
The Grizzlies management, which has been having draft day meetings and slumber parties since the playoffs began, believe that Rubio might be the answer to all of their collective prayers.
"He looks JUST like Adrian Brody! Sometimes Zac Efron," said head coach Lionel Hollins. "Only he got a silver in the Olympics and averages 3.3 rebotes per match!"
"Our back up plan was Stephen Curry, but he's a total wannabe and will do whatever Ricky does," said Wallace, while listening to Millennium from the Backstreet Boys.
"Hasheem Thabeet was really sweet when he called to tell us that he won't be coming to Memphis to work out for us, due to his sore shoulder. Maybe there's something there if we end up on the rebound," said Hollins, and then giggled to other management heads about the basketball pun.
Wallace said the biggest concern was whether or not he wanted to subject himself to heartache from another spaniard again, citing the infamous break-up for the Grizzlies and Pau Gasol, which ended in a closed door meeting in which Pau said he'd found someone else and Wallace threw a trapper keeper at Gasol's head.
LIVE BLOG!!! National signing day is hilarious. Yesterday was essentially the day where every college football fan in America does one of two things.
1. Predict their National Championship Season.
2. Scream at their coach for getting the one star kid from nowhere high school USA.
The best thing about this whole process, is the fact that the analysts typically have no idea how most kids will pan out. A good book to read on this subject is (suprisingly) an ESPN book Meat Market By Bruce Feldman. It chronicles one recruiting season for Ed Orgeron while he was at Ole Miss. Anyway, the best part of the book is when it talks about how sites such as Rivals, and Scout really have no idea what is going on. Basically the two sites give star rankings based off of what type of offers a kid receives. So if Johhny Stud QB, from Generic High gets offers from places like Kentucky, the kid might get 3 stars. However, if Johnny then gets an offer from Florida, his star ranking may go up to 4 or five stars. What's the point? Well basically these sites don't bother to look at film and actually break down a kid like my main man Mike Mayock.
So, yesterday I live blogged all of the SUPER HUGE SUPER IMPORTANT SIGNINGS.
Enjoy.
10:00 ESPN hypes this as the most important day for every team in America. 9 HOURS OF COVERAGE!!!!
10:11 Surprise surprise USC has the #1 QB, #1 DE, #1 MLB, #1 G, and #1 DB
10:20 One of the major undecided recruits is Jelani Jenkins. An OLB out of MD. This guy is in fact an insane player. Observe:
It looks like USC, Florida, ND, Penn State, and Stanford. Choose that hat wisely young Jelani.
10:30 LSU is tabbed as the #1 class in the country led by Billy B.A QB Russell Shepard, hailing from H-Town.
1st Hat alert: Sam Montgomery #2 DE. The choices: LSU, UNC, and Tennessee. The Winner...(Sam is wearing a Grizz hat) LSU. Fine choice young man. (Fan response) Thank god he didn't Pick UNC
10:45 Tommy Tubbs is an analyst on ESPN, and he is actually doing a great job.
Hat alert: Daryn Miles #5 safety. (tossing hats, please stop doing that) Tennessee is the winner. (he's also predicting becoming an All American next year)
Jelani update: Florida. (The kid actually seems like he has a square head on his shoulders) Urban wins again.
Pete Carroll Twitter update: "Just woke up from a short nap... Signing day is off the ground!!! Now the excitement begins!!"
Win forever Pete.
Tajh Boyd From the Hampton Roads area of VA. (AI, Vick, Vick, Curry, etc.) Goes to Clemson. 1. He was a WVU commit, and was considering Tenn. and Penn State. He's now going to Clemson (Fan response: Shit) But the guy looks solid. Good footwork, and a quick release.
2. What you didn't want to go to VaTech? We have history of a stellar passing game and developing outstanding Qb's??????
Hat alert: Frankie Telfort: #3 OLB winner is...USC
Hat Update: Manti Te'O: From Hawaii...The winner is (Betting USC) Ohhh was I wrong Notre Dame gets the #1 OLB
Russell Shepard update: Life of a student athlete segment. Enrolls early at LSU, Rocks a mid 90's H-town hat, says the right things about academics, hits on a girl in class, eats chick-fil-e, (Jemarcus Russell?) already has groupies, says the right things about fans, gets his pump on, (nice snatch form) thanks us for watching him.
That is all.
Tommy Tuberville is in fact wearing an Under Armour lapel. Protect the house.
Ok we have some dead time so this is a great homerism spot.
Virginia Tech. Ok so everyone signed their LOI. We have the typical great RB's (We had some insane LB's last year) and some good Receivers. (Cole went to a prep school last year) However, we also got our typical 5 star guy, Logan Thomas. (Yes he was 5 stars up until 3 weeks ago) Logan is a 6'6 TE who weighs 230, and runs a 4.6. Logan also played QB in high school.
Basically Frank Beamer, you and I both know Tech will never be able to pass the ball, unless it's a bomb to one of the great WR's we get. So lets cut our losses, call a spade a spade, and run the single wing.
Think I'm crazy? We already get 9 man boxes, and all those receivers are just smoke and mirrors, everyone knows we're running it. So let's just put our athletic qb at the singlewing tailback spot, run the rock, and throw it deep every once and a while. You know Foster is going to shut things down every week. Shit, if you want to get tricky, just put in the spin series.
/end rant.
1:45 Check that. UVA just got Morgan Moses(OT). Morgan Moses is sick. (shit shit shit shit shit shit shti shit shit shit damn shiat shit shit shit shit) Go play LAX
I hate UVA.
/Takes deep breaths.
Hat Update: Dre Kirkpatrick #1 CB chooses Alabama over Texas, why you ask? Swagger...Texas did not have enough...swagger.
Alright lets try to wrap this up in some sensible manner.
But first a Pete Carroll update: "Busy day today...We're moving along quite nicely on Signing Day...Win Forever!"
Ok, So to sum the whole thing up: Rivals has: 1. Alabama 2. LSU 3. TOSU 4. USC 5. Texas
Surprise surprise. Out of those teams, I think LSU is still the winner, they seemed to get some quality players led by the Sheppard Kid.
Darkhorse: UNC. Damn, they really had a big day to round out what seems to be a solid recruiting class. In fact, it seems like the ACC in general fared pretty well.
At the end of the day, recruiting is huge, however there are so many other factors that go into making a championship caliber team. Furthermore, these kids are just 18. Think about when you were 18.
Not necessarily the most mature individual, were you?
Who knows how these kids will turn out.
To close, I basically did this liveblog to highlight what I consider the insanity that is national signing day. We complain all the time about egotistical athletes, and this is just part of the process. Yes go take those hats of other schools, toss them to the floor, and proclaim your dominance. I'm sure the LSU defenders just LOVE seeing that. let's hope you aren't on the bottom of too many piles.
With that being said, my good guy of the day was Te'O, The LB that chose ND. The guy picked up a ND hat, thanked everyone, sat down. (Honorable mention Jelani Jenkins)
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