Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

HOLY GOAT SNOT! The weekend is here and I'm so pumped about it. Two days of doing that which I already do all the time. THIS MIND IS BLOWN! Super Bowl, underrated Comedians and a battle to determine which puppy is cuter: I may stomp on my own face on Monday, just because it'll be Monday, and my face will deserve it.

Oh yeah. Friday videos on which you can suck.

I am perpetually let down by Super Bowl commercials. Leaking this one early and setting the bar so high may be the death blow, inBev.

This weekend I'm going to see Norm Macdonald perform stand up in St. Louis. I'm going to try in earnest to meet him. And befriend him. And hang out with him. And deliver his eulogy. Here's part of his anti-roast of Bob Saget.

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget
Norm Macdonald
http://www.comedycentral.com/
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Gayest Recruiting Video of All Time: Lane Kiffin's 13-year old recruit.

DEATH METAL ROOSTER!!!!!!!

Been watching a buttload (yes! one butt!) of Zach Galifiankis. Here's a taste:

Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion from Zach Galifianakis

Hanging Like My Nuts.

Finally, a sketch troupe that everyone needs to enjoy, Human Giant. This is a good - but not their best - sketch. Look up more.

GRH Exclusive - Former NFL Player: 'Concussion Discussion Is Stupid'

This was found in the GRH Mailroom on our fax machine. We can only assume its veridity enough to publish it, having checked with other media sources who received the same message, and leave it to you, the discerning reader, to determine its genuine authenticity. Read on and thank you.

-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

These players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought. Like they got anything like a brain up between their ears, these players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace panties so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought.

I got one word for them...

I dunno, maybe it's the generation of fanny bandits Oprah's been raisin' up, sharin' their books of that time of the month and their feelin's and their books of the month. It's not enough that stupid sumsabitches gotta call a tow truck to fix a flat tire, but these nancies are just nickelin' and dimein', rippin' and rompin', not doin' no good for nobody in the world but themselves.

I've eaten enough pudding to know when a bell gettin' rung is a big deal. In high school, I was paintin' the walls on the Smith-Caldwell Pharmacy in the hail storm of some year that specifically escapes me. I ran for fifty-hundred eleven yards next week against our arch rival Opposum Grape, too. Ran like a sumbitch gettin' his somewhere where the gettin's gone been got. I drooled then and I drool now, case closed, and I looked pretty good doin' it.

I went on a date with Lucille Ball in the mid-80's. Got me a thing for red heads and people who can run pretty fast. Shirley and I been married about 40, 30 years. I make her sandwiches and gravy, she makes me gravy.

An' another thing, where do these uppity sumsbeeee... Where do these uppity ignoramuses get off complainin' when they wearin' a mircowave oven with a facemask on they heads? First off, that ain't no way to run the ball, with your heads up, not out in front of ya like that, ya gotta use your head like a batterin' ram, pow! Right up the middle! And first off, your head is the densest part of your body. If you can't use that as something to really ring someone's bell, you might as well hang it up and go sellin' Avon door to door like some kinda girl who goes door to door sellin' Avon and stuff like, like Avon or something.

That blood ain't supposed to hang out in your ear in that helmet by your ear. You gotta get it out and make sure it's out, otherwise we're gonna miss M*A*S*H. That Alan Alda is a real smooth one. I hate that Alan Alda though, he's the worst guy on that show. An' you know he's good, and he ain't wearin' no helmets.

I was an electrician in Italy. And we had a sayin' for the fairies like these sissies...

Now comes these pansies sayin' they're worried about getting their bell rung. These players these days. Sheesh! Let me tell you what I think about about them players and their mushy-headed ways. They're scared of bein' what they is. Football is a football is a football is a great game. Football is a great, great game and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we dont' want football, which is a great, great game of golf everynow and then. We don't want football to be a panzy sport where the women are on the field dancin' around like they're a bunch of women.

It's time for us to call a spade a playing card. These concussions are not these concussions are these concussions are not the end of the world. If we want to make something happen, then yeah, it should happen, but I don't think a helmet is going to do anything about wearing helmets.

I just got one word for you if you disagree.

No helmets cuz they're no fun.

Best,
Abe Hardin
Philadellia Eagles (1954-1980)
Auburn Tigers (1948-1954)
Bauxite High Skoo Bobcats (1941-1948)

Broncos QB Simms Recognized Outside of Team Activity

DENVER, Co. - While at a Denny's on Monday afternoon, Broncos reserve quarterback Chris Simms was recognized by another patron of the restuarant without Simms having to explain his role on the team, or his college and professional history.

"He was like 'You're Chris Simms, right?' and I was like 'Sure am,'" Simms told reporters. "He wasn't my waiter; he couldn't have seen my ID or debit card or anything. He just knew who I was.

"Pretty awesome if you ask me, which he did, by the way."

The recognizer, Bill Daniels, 41, stated that he recognized the quarterback, but couldn't figure out why.

"I think it was because of his dad?," said Daniels. "I lived in Austin for awhile, but that was when Major Applewhite was there. Speaking of, you know he's a coach now, right? I bet he's great."

Police records obtained by GRH later verified that Daniels had gotten into a fender bender with the erstwhile journeyman Simms in August.

Teammates Suspect Titans' K Rob Bironas Actually Living In Weight Room

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- After a summer's worth of speculation and suspicion, players and staff of the Tennessee Titans are coming forward to voice their concerns that kicker Rob Bironas is actually living in the team weight room, rather than an oft-used metaphor to describe the kicker's workout regiment.

"I've been saying it since about March," said DE Jevon Kearse. "I saw him in there every day, usually wearing sweatpants or something that might be confused for athletic apparel. But he never got really jacked up or muscular, in fact, I think he gained about 20 or 30 lbs., you just can't tell because of that terrible beard.

"And I think I stepped on his toothbrush."

Others have been complaining about a lack of tidiness in the weight room, including Bironas' stack of Hot Rod magazines, a tattered sleeping bag, a collection of various pieces of scrap metal, as well as a pile of dirty, non-football related laundry.

Coach Jeff "Fish" Fisher says that he's been hearing nothing but good things from the coaching staff about Bironas, the vaunted kicker out of Auburn, whose financial status is hitherto undetermined by Coach Fisher or the Titan's front office.

"The coaches see him in there, practically living in that weight room," said Fisher, stroking his mustache. "Or what I thought was 'practically.' What a kicker is doing in the weight room, they have no earthly idea, but golly, I guess that shoulda been a red flag right there.

"Maybe the guys upstairs haven't been putting his check in his little box," said Fisher, speaking of the team cubby holes utilized by the team's accounting office.

Bironas was unavailable for comment, as he was digging through LenDale White's dumpster, looking for "delicious," half-eaten scraps.

Retired QB Trent Green Walks Away From Fiery, 32 Vehicle Pile-Up Unscathed

KIRKWOOD, Missouri -- Recently retired quarterback Trent Green, whose career was nearly ended twice due to stomach-turning concussions before another finally ended it in Miami, survived a fiery and violent 32-car pile up on I-55 Wednesday, after his motorcycle rear-ended a lumber trailer causing it to spin out of control, taking a number of surrounding and following cars down with it.

The oft-injured Green, who was not wearing a helmet at the time, walked away from the incident nearly unscathed, favoring only his left pinky fingernail.

"I think I skinned it a bit," said Green, squinting at the digit. "I dunno, I can't tell. What do you think?"

The crash killed as many as 56 people, and coroners are still sifting through the liquefied, charred, and scattered remains in the somewhat hopeless attempt to discern one body from another.

"Guess it's my lucky day," Green shrugged. "Then again, I've always been known as a pretty tough guy."

In other news, shortly after walking away from I-55, Green was found dead on the floor a local Schnuck's, after having been slipped up by banana peel in the produce section.

In Wake of Bruschi's Retirement, Favre Demands Tear-Soaked Remembrances From Former Coaches

MINNESOTA, Minn. -- In response to the heartfelt, emotional statements made by the stoic Bill Belichick regarding the retirement of Patriot's LB Tedy Bruschi, current Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre is demanding tear-soaked remembrances of his numerous accomplishments from his numerous retirements.

"I think I deserve a little bit of that," said Favre while rewinding the segment of Belichick's crying on TiVo. "That guy sucked butt. He only played 13 years, he didn't set any records, and so far, he's only bowed out once. Give me a break."

Favre said he has sent letters to former Packers and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren, with whom Favre won a Super Bowl, Mike McCarthy, the current Green Bay coach and the last to coach him there, as well as Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan, the former and current coach of the New York Jets.

"I'll start with Chubbs. I feel like he's got some pent up emotions from all our days a-winnin' games. Plus, after playing with the bald guy, he's bound to appreciate me more," said Favre.

"Mac and Mangini are a given. If Brett Favre walkin' away from your team doesn't choke you up, you need to find a pair, and walk away from my football," said Favre. "Same goes for Ryan. I'm sure he was pretty devastated when I left New York."

Asked if Mike Sherman, who coached Favre in Green Bay immediately prior to McCarthy, would be included, Favre said Sherman had already cried on the future Hall-of-Famer's shoulder many times before.

"If he wants to get it out in front of everybody, that's fine," said Favre. "He'll have his shot with Childress about March. Or July! Whooooo knows?!" which was then followed with Favre waving his hands mysteriously and banging a gong.

Heralded Five-Star Recruit Hired By Disney To Enroll in Culinary School

SEATTLE, Wash. - Coltrane High School's prized five-star wide receiver, rising senior Jevon Locke, announced at a press conference today that instead of accepting one of the numerous Division I scholarships he has been offered and will enroll in L'Ecole De Luminaire, a local culinary school where he hopes to "find (himself) and the true meaning of friendship."

"I'm a kid from the wrong side of the tracks," said Locke. "I've never used anything but my athletic talents to get by. But now that's all about to change when I go to...culinary school?!"

"We've been developing this for about twelve years now, and this kid is the one," said Disney creative director Ernest Reinhart, speaking to reporters over a sound system playing Baha Men's Who Let the Dogs Out? at the presser. "Here's a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who's never used anything but his athletic talents to get by. Now he'll find out what friendship really means and who he really is."

"We literally had no writers or animators interested in writing that, plus we decided that true stories do better in the box office, so we got this kid for about a hundred grand," said Reinhart. "And if this one doesn't work out, naturally, we'll just kill him and get another kid."

Locke said he had "no freakin' comment" since this was the stage at which he was cocky and answering to no one, but kindly offered reporters an opportunity to interview him after he had changed his misguided ways, thanks to his ugly, unpopular and undexterous friends, to be named later.

ESPN, owned by Disney Inc., is said to already be producing Sportcenter clips featuring Stuart Scott and Emeril having a "hilarious Booyah!/Bam!-off" as well as putting the logo on the home plates of every major league ball park in the country.

Desperate For Attention Matt Hasselbeck Retires, Unretires

SEATTLE - Desperate for attention in the perennially rain-soaked city of Seattle, QB Matt Hasselbeck retired at a live press conference, immediately before holding another press conference in an adjacent room announcing his comeback.

"It's time for me to move on from here," said a tearful Hasselbeck, who led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl run in 2006 and has been the face of the franchise since his signing in 2001. "But then again, it's a new day. I think I've still got what it takes to contribute. I'm still young at heart."

The Seahawks acquired Hasselbeck after his years as a back-up to Brett Favre in Green Bay, and many are speculating that this latest move is just pulling a page from that playbook.

"That's crazy," said Hasselbeck, as he launched a wobbly-spiral to a reluctant receiver, Coltrane High School Junior Jevon Locke. "See that though? Even though you in the media are saying it's time for me to go, I've still got it."

Hasselbeck left the first room, shaking hands and giving long embraces before entering the bathroom for 15 minutes to allow the media and fan (singular) to go to the other room. He then blasted the Rudy theme song as he high-fived those attending as he entered.

"That's both a shame for the NFL to lose one of its brightest stars, and great for him and the league to watch one of their greatest stars come back. Everyone loves a comeback. No. 672, Family Feast, your order is up," said former teammate and league MVP Shawn Alexander, currently working from 3p.m.-11 p.m. at a Birmingham, Ala. Church's Chicken.