Friday, August 21, 2009

Desperate For Attention Matt Hasselbeck Retires, Unretires

SEATTLE - Desperate for attention in the perennially rain-soaked city of Seattle, QB Matt Hasselbeck retired at a live press conference, immediately before holding another press conference in an adjacent room announcing his comeback.

"It's time for me to move on from here," said a tearful Hasselbeck, who led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl run in 2006 and has been the face of the franchise since his signing in 2001. "But then again, it's a new day. I think I've still got what it takes to contribute. I'm still young at heart."

The Seahawks acquired Hasselbeck after his years as a back-up to Brett Favre in Green Bay, and many are speculating that this latest move is just pulling a page from that playbook.

"That's crazy," said Hasselbeck, as he launched a wobbly-spiral to a reluctant receiver, Coltrane High School Junior Jevon Locke. "See that though? Even though you in the media are saying it's time for me to go, I've still got it."

Hasselbeck left the first room, shaking hands and giving long embraces before entering the bathroom for 15 minutes to allow the media and fan (singular) to go to the other room. He then blasted the Rudy theme song as he high-fived those attending as he entered.

"That's both a shame for the NFL to lose one of its brightest stars, and great for him and the league to watch one of their greatest stars come back. Everyone loves a comeback. No. 672, Family Feast, your order is up," said former teammate and league MVP Shawn Alexander, currently working from 3p.m.-11 p.m. at a Birmingham, Ala. Church's Chicken.


  1. Jevon Locke is getting some quality reps.

  2. I also heard that Elizabeth thought this was all a left wing conspiracy and how it is crumbling the morals of America. Her and Joan got in a big fight about it where absolutely nothing of value was said.

    Matt also removed his backwards hat to reveal that he is in fact bald.

  3. Matt's little brother and NFL-wash out TIM Hasselbeck is the one married to the neocon Elisabeth.

    And there's nothing wrong in the world with being bald.