Sunday, August 30, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm


We had a fantasy draft this week, played some golf, and football is right around the corner. Nothing could get me down right now. Right?

Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.

We all know this blows.

I apologize for that.

I also spoke on it earlier.
Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.

However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.

I had come to terms with this and concluded that much like Musberger it was just one of those things I had to put up with in order to enjoy college football.

But now ESPN has found a way to turn one of even the most dedicated of fan into a giant ball of hate.

Now instead of getting flim flam in our zim zam we have to listen to Kenny Chesney.

Kenny Chesney? That asshat? THAT is the guy who screams college football? Shit, what's wrong with the simple jingle from CBS that announces the coming of awesome?

It's Iconic, and I'm fairly sure it's been around since I have been breathing.

Before ABC merged with the devils from ESPN/Disney we had this theme

Whenever I heard it I was all ZOMFG!!! BIG GAME BIG GAME!!!!

But no, we get ESPN's 20th lame attempt to recreate "Are you ready for some football." I bet some lame ass marketing dickhead looked at Kenny Chesney concert ticket sales, assumed CFB fans were all rednecks, put 2 and 2 together and we get this shit.

And some of you might be saying "ohhhhh Lattimer chill out, just mute the TV" Well if I know ESPN, and I do, this is going to be on 50 billion times every Saturday. And what the hell, I shouldn't have to mute a TV in order to enjoy a football game. It may be surprising, but I actually get up and do shit so the remote isn't always readily available.

The worst part is that I'll still watch, I can't turn away, I got that pandemic inside of me. Now I know what a meth head feels like. Minus the Notable weight loss Insomnia Formication (A false crawling sensation on the skin) Bruxism (jaw-grinding) Trismus (jaw-clenching) Tweaking (intense preoccupation with repetitive tasks) Increased sex drive Poor hygiene (in particular dental hygiene)

Well actually now that I think about it....


  1. 1) Thank you, wikipedia.

    2) So... Is there a category for this shit storm?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Honestly, I'm all for anything that doesn't include Big and Rich. Kenny Chesney suck, yes, we alllllll know that. But, it's the lesser of two evils by a long shot. I'm sure it'll be some crappy acoustic guitar with Chesney singing about he always does his best. And then to top it off a terrible electric solo.

    And I'll bet money there's a break with just Kenny pounding home the heartfelt lyrics a Capella.

    Hopefully October 10th, I won't have to hear it. Because Gameday was scouting out the Grove the other day in Oxford. Big Whoop.

    The real reason Hitler killed himself.

    I bet you a million dollars we lose to memphis the first game this year.

  4. Is this a hatestorm or a shitstorm? Both?

    You know what chaps my ass? Color commentators who are worse at their job than I would be. I mean, I could be awesome at that, but noooo, I'm not 6'8" and had a formerly promising career that never materialized. I couldn't possibly handle the rigor of forming complete sentences or at least insightful sentence fragments while watching the the SAME TIME?!

    The same holds true for professional musicians that I can outplay. I'm no professional, but when I hear someone getting paid millions to half ass it, I lose it.

  5. Country Music plus metrosexuals is counterintuitive. FIX YO IMAGE.

  6. If you want to laugh, and be filled with rage, check out Cowboy Troy's "Hook 'em." I'll accept generally anything as long as it's longhorns related... but... not that.

    not that.

  7. I did notice the "Hook em." I also think the last thing you think of when you think of Notre Dame or USC is bastardized honky tonk country.

  8. Still better than P!nk doing Sunday night football for NBC.

  9. I know, when I watch Sunday night football I often wonder how can this good sober?


  10. deafmute's analysis of a Kenny Chesney song brightened up my morning. It was hilarious. You've heard one or two KC tunes in your time, I can see.

    Try this one on for size...

    He wears a hat of some sort. I know it's too much to hope for, but there's one video where he wears an uber-gay beanie. I'd like to see that grape cover again.

  11. Question? Can Kenny sing more than one note?

    But again, do we really need a MNF wannabe song?

    I blame Bubba Sparxx, he started this gameday bullshit.

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