Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Peter Gammons' Soul Objects To Analysis Made By Peter Gammons' Rotting, Animated Corpse

BOSTON, Mass. - Citing a complete lack of tact, wit, and gamesmanship, the soul and former occupant of Peter Gammons' now dead and rotting corpse objected to the analysis made by the corpse following the series sweep of his beloved Red Sox at the hands of the New York Yankees over the weekend.

"He was talking crazy, saying something about how these games were going to mean something down the stretch," said a younger and healthier looking, glowing blue, and translucent figure that was an intangible representation of Gammons' soul. "These games likely won't mean anything come October. The Red Sox have dominated the series the entire season, save for this lone weekend.

"Whomever was working the strings on my body needs to be shot."

The corpse of Peter Gammons' objected on both the grounds that the sweep marks a falling off of the Sox in the wake of recent scandals and bad trades, as well as a lack of his daily dose of human brains upon which he regularly feasts.

"Look, with Big Papi down and out, the spirit -- no pun intended -- of this team may be six feet under, again, no pun intended," said Gammons', gaunt, lifeless and molding former body, mending a piece of his cheek that was falling off the yellowing bone, while gnawing on a fresh handful of medulla.

ESPN had no comment on the dispute, as is their policy when dealing with ghosts, poltergeists, demons, zombies or any other supernatural phenomenon. This policy arose after numerous allegations that angels were indeed playing in the outfield in Anaheim, Calif. in 1994.


  1. Angels in the outfield was by far the worst of the "kid goes to MLB" movies seen in the mid to late 90's. Rookie of the year is ok, but anyone who has half a brain knows that Little Big League was easily the best of the three.

    In fact, I'll go so far to say that I hate Angels in the Outfield.

  2. Cosign Lattimer.

    1) It's depressing as all get out. The entire time I was watching, I couldn't help but think to myself, 'this kid actually thinks the Angels winning is going to put his family back together?' I was incredulous of the plot at the age of 9.

    2) Christopher Lloyd and Danny Glover do not a comedic team make.

    3) I can't say this enough about sports movies. Cameos by actual athletes MAKE the movie.

  3. This movie also featured Matthew McCoughnehey (sp? wait! I'm not gay!) as well as Academcy Award Winner Adrian Brody (okay, maybe a little gay).

    Can't be ALL bad.

  4. Since we're on the topic a couple other points.

    -Tony Danza? I think this goes back to Icehouse's point of actual player cameos. At the very least they could have casted believable players in the cast instead of a fat slob at cather. "oooo look at him, he's a catcher and he's fat.....and his mohawk is sooooo funny." gag.

    -I really think the main problem with the movie is the lead character. That kid just annoyed me to no end.

    -The scene that really pisses me off is the one where Danny Glover is playing baseball with a bunch of kids in an LA neighborhood. Key word, LA. During this game, one would expect to see Dodgers and Angels hats. Maaaaybe some Giants and A's and the typical Yankee transplant. (Note-this was before people jumped on the Red Sox bandwagon) But what do you see? NEARLY EVERY MLB TEAM. Good god what a disgusting excuse for a feel good moment. Have some pride in your local teams. If I was a conspiracy theorist I'd think MLB did these movies and this bullshit scene to increase interest in the sport following the strike.

    -Finally this is just another example of the hypocrisy witnessed by MLB and the media over performance enhancers. Everyone's all pissed because guys stick needles in their asses, but every thing is magical when you have supernatural forces in your fucking outfield that allows you to overcome a 20 game deficit.....after the all star break.

  5. This is making me think that Angels in the outfeild was all Symbolism for pro-steroid use in the MLB.

    Steroids bring families together...just ask Chris Benoit....ouch maybe I shouldn't have posted this...

  6. Man, this throw away sentence to wrap up an article sure turned into a pretty ballin' comment section.